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XLbc  Bnglieb 
Com^Dle  l)umalne 


THE    EXPEDITION    OF 

HUMPHRY 
CLINKER 


BY 
TOBIAS  GEORGE  SMOLLETT 


ZTbe  jengltab 
Comebie  Ibumalne 

Masterpieces  of  the  great 
English  noveHsts  in  which 
are  portrayed  the  varying 
aspects  of  EngHshhfefrom 
the  time  of  Addison  to  the 
present  day :  a  series  anal- 
ogous to  that  in  which 
Balzac  depicted  the  man- 
ners and  morals  of  his 
French  contemporaries. 


Humphry's  Disaster 


XLbe  £n0lf0b  Comcfdfe  "bumalne 


THE  EXPEDITION 

OF 

HUMPHRY    CLINKER 


BY 


TOBIAS  GEORGE  SMOLLETT 


7^ 


NEW  YORK 

Z\)c  Century  Co. 
1904 


Copyright,  1902,  by 
The  Century  Co. 


Published  November,  zgoa. 


PUBLISHERS'   NOTE 

Among  eighteenth-century  novelists  Tobias  George  Smollett  must 
be  placed  next  to  Richardson  and  Fielding.  As  compared  with 
the  works  of  these  masters  his  are  of  inferior  artistic  rank ;  but 
through  the  clearness  and  vigor  of  their  style,  their  racy  humor, 
and  their  realistic  depiction  of  incident  and  character  they  have 
exerted  an  equal  if  not  a  greater  influence  upon  English  fiction. 
He  was  born  in  Scotland  in  1721 ;  entered  the  navy  as  a  surgeon 
in  1740,  and  was  present  at  the  siege  of  Cartagena;  spent  the 
greater  part  of  his  later  life  in  London ;  and  died  near  Leghorn 
in  1 77 1. 

"Humphry  Clinker,"  Smollett's  masterpiece,  was  written  shortly 
before  his  death.  In  it  the  best  qualities  of  his  style  and  method 
are  strikingly  exhibited,  and  it  is  comparatively  free  from  the 
vulgarity  by  which  much  of  his  other  work  is  marred.  Its  repu- 
tation for  humor  was  long  almost  unrivaled.  "The  most  laugh- 
able story,"  Thackeray  called  it,  "that  was  ever  written  since 
the  goodly  art  of  novel-writing  began."  Still  more  notable  are 
its  minuteness  and  fidelity  as  a  description  of  contemporary  life. 
The  author's  own  character  and  his  experiences  as  an  invalid  pro- 
vided a  realistic  foundation  for  the  whims  and  adventures  of 
Matthew  Bramble,  while  the  pilgrimages  of  that  worthy,  in 
search  of  health,  to  Bath,  Harrowgate,  Scarborough,  London, 
and  the  Highlands  furnished  an  excellent  opportunity  to  pass  in 
review  the  men  and  manners  of  the  time.  This  he  did  with 
great  power  and  fidelity  of  observation.  Like  Fielding,  he  kept 
closely  to  the  task  of  drawing  life  as  he  saw  it,  and,  as  has  been 
well  said,  whoever  does  this  does  something  rare  and  admirable. 
In  "Humphry  Clinker"  also  he  was  most  successful  as  a  creator 
of  characters.  Matthew  Bramble,  Tabitha,  Winifred  Jenkins, 
and  Lismahago  are  worthy  of  any  of  the  great  masters  of  fiction. 
The  book,  accordingly,  forms  a  most  important  scene  in  the 
"English  Comedie  Humaine." 


LIST  OF  ILLUSTRATIONS 
Humphry's  Disaster Cruikshank     .     Frontispiece 

FACING   PAGE 

Humphry's  Introduction  to  the 
Bramble  Family "  ....     82 

Humphry's  Zeal  for  his  Master  "  ....  192 

Lismahago's  Retaliation  ...  "  ....  320 


THE    EXPEDITION 


OF 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 


THE  EXPEDITION 

OF 

HUMPHRY    CLINKER 


To  Mr.  Henry  Davis,  Bookseller  in  London. 

RESPECTED  SIR, — I  have  received  your  esteemed  fa- 
vour of  the  thirteenth  ultimo,  whereby  it  appeareth, 
that  you  have  perused  those  same  letters,  the  which  were  de- 
Hvered  unto  you  by  my  friend  the  Reverend  Mr.  Hugo  Bhen ; 
and  I  am  pleased  to  find  you  think  they  may  be  printed  with 
a  good  prospect  of  success;  inasmuch  as  the  objections  you 
mention,  I  humbly  conceive,  are  such  as  may  be  redargued, 
if  not  entirely  removed. — And,  first,  in  the  first  place,  as 
touching  what  prosecutions  may  arise  from  printing  the  pri- 
vate correspondence  of  persons  still  living,  give  me  leave, 
with  all  due  submission,  to  observe,  that  the  letters  in  ques- 
tion were  not  written  and  sent  under  the  seal  of  secrecy ;  that 
they  have  no  tendency  to  the  mala  fama  or  prejudice  of  any 
person  whatsoever;  but  rather  to  the  information  and  edifi- 
cation of  mankind.  So  that  it  becometh  a  sort  of  duty  to 
promulgate  them  in  usum  publicum.  Besides,  I  have  con- 
sulted Mr.  Davy  Higgins,  an  eminent  attorney  of  this  place, 
who,  after  due  inspection  and  consideration,  declareth,  that 
he  doth  not  think  the  said  letters  contain  any  matter  which 
will  be  held  actionable  in  the  eye  of  the  law.  Finally,  if  you 
and  I  should  come  to  a  right  understanding,  I  do  declare  in 
verba  sacerdotis,  that,  in  case  of  any  such  prosecution,  I  will 
take  the  whole  upon  my  own  shoulders,  even  quoad  fine  and 
imprisonment,  though  I  must  confess  I  should  not  care  to 
undergo  flagellation.  Tarn  ad  turpitudinem,  quam  ad  amari- 
tudinem  poena:  spec  tans. — Secondly,  concerning  the  personal 
resentment  of  Mr.  Justice  Lismahago,  I  may  say  non  flocci 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

facio — I  would  not  willingly  vilipend  any  Christian,  if  per- 
advcnture  he  deserveth  that  epithet.  Albeit  I  am  much  sur- 
prised that  more  care  is  not  taken  to  exclude  from  the 
commission  all  such  vagrant  foreigners  as  may  be  justly  sus- 
pected of  disaffection  to  our  happy  constitution  in  Church 
and  State. — God  forbid  that  I  should  be  so  uncharitable,  as  to 
affirm  positively  that  the  said  Lismahago  is  no  better  than  a 
Jesuit  in  disguise;  but  this  I  will  assert  and  maintain  totis 
virihus,  that  from  the  day  he  qualified,  he  has  never  been 
once  seen  intra  templi  parietes,  that  is  to  say,  within  the 
parish  church. 

Thirdly,  with  respect  to  what  passed  at  Mr.  Kendal's  table, 
when  the  said  Lismahago  was  so  brutal  in  his  reprehensions, 
I  must  inform  you,  my  good  sir,  that  I  was  obliged  to  retire, 
not  by  fear  arising  from  his  minatory  reproaches,  which,  as 
I  said  above,  I  value  not  a  rush ;  but  from  the  sudden  effect 
produced  by  a  barbel's  row,  which  I  had  eaten  at  dinner,  not 
knowing  that  the  said  row  is  at  certain  seasons  violently 
cathartic,  as  Galen  obsei'veth  in  his  chapter  -nepl  IxOvg, 

Fourthly,  and  lastly,  with  reference  to  the  manner  in  which 
I  got  possession  of  the  letters,  it  is  a  circumstance  which  con- 
cerns my  own  conscience  only,  Sufficeth  it  to  say,  I  have 
fully  satisfied  the  parties  in  whose  custody  they  were;  and, 
by  this  time,  I  hope  I  have  also  satisfied  you  in  such  ways, 
that  the  last  hand  may  be  put  to  our  agreement,  and  the  work 
proceed  with  all  convenient  expedition.  In  which  hope  I 
rest,  respected  sir,  your  very  humble  servant, 

Abergavenny,  Aug.  4.  Jonathan  Dustwich. 

PS. — I  propose,  Deo  volente,  to  have  the  pleasure  of  see- 
ing you  in  the  great  city,  towards  All-hallowtide,  when  I 
shall  be  glad  to  treat  with  you  concerning  a  parcel  of  MS. 
sermons  of  a  certain  clergyman  deceased ;  a  cake  of  the  right 
leaven  for  the  present  taste  of  the  public.  Verbum  sapienti, 
etc.  J,  D. 

To  the  Reverend  Mr.  Jonathan  Dustwich,  at 


Sir, — I  received  yours  in  course  of  post,  and  shall  be  glad 
to  treat  with  you  for  the  MS.  which  I  have  delivered  to  your 
friend  Mr.  Bhen ;  but  can  by  no  means  comply  with  the  terms 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

proposed.  Those  things  are  so  uncertain — Writing  is  all  a 
lottery — I  have  been  a  loser  by  the  works  of  the  greatest  men 
of  the  age — I  could  mention  particulars,  and  name  names; 
but  don't  choose  it — The  taste  of  the  town  is  so  changeable. 
Then  there  have  been  so  many  letters  upon  travels  lately  pub- 
lished— What  between  Smollett's,  Sharp's,  Derrick's,  Thick- 
ness's,  Baltimore's,  and  Baretti's,  together  with  Shandy's 
Sentimental  Travels,  the  public  seems  to  be  cloyed  with 
that  kind  of  entertainment — Nevertheless,  I  will,  if  you 
please,  run  the  risk  of  printing  and  publishing,  and  you  shall 
have  half  the  profits  of  the  impression. — You  need  not  take 
the  trouble  to  bring  up  your  sermons  on  my  account — No- 
body reads  sermons  but  Methodists  and  Dissenters — Besides, 
for  my  own  part,  I  am  quite  a  stranger  to  that  sort  of  read- 
ing; and  the  two  persons,  whose  judgment  I  depended  upon 
in  these  matters  are  out  of  the  way;  one  is  gone  abroad,  car- 
penter of  a  man-of-war;  and  the  other  has  been  silly  enough 
to  abscond,  in  order  to  avoid  a  prosecution  for  blasphemy — 
I'm  a  great  loser  by  his  going  off — He  has  left  a  manual  of 
devotion  half  finished  on  my  hands,  after  having  received 
money  for  the  whole  copy — He  was  the  soundest  divine,  and 
had  the  most  orthodox  pen  of  all  my  people,  and  I  never 
knew  his  judgment  fail,  but  in  flying  from  his  bread  and 
butter  on  this  occasion. 

By  owning  you  was  not  put  in  bodily  fear  by  Lismahago, 
you  preclude  yourself  from  the  benefit  of  a  good  plea,  over 
and  above  the  advantage  of  binding  him  over.  In  the  late 
war,  I  inserted  in  my  evening  paper,  a  paragraph  that  came 
by  the  post,  reflecting  upon  the  behaviour  of  a  certain  regi- 
ment in  battle.  An  officer  of  said  regiment  came  to  my  shop, 
and,  in  the  presence  of  my  wife  and  journeyman,  threatened 
to  cut  off  my  ears — As  I  exhibited  marks  of  bodily  fear  more 
ways  than  one,  to  the  conviction  of  the  bystanders,  I  bound 
him  over ;  my  action  lay,  and  I  recovered.  As  for  flagellation, 
you  have  nothing  to  fear,  and  nothing  to  hope  on  that  head — 
There  has  been  but  one  printer  flogged  at  the  cart-tail  these 
thirty  years,  that  was  Charles  Watson ;  and  he  assured  me  it 

was  no  more  than  a  flea-bite.     C S has  been 

threatened  several  times  by  the  House  of  L ;  but  it 

came  to  nothing.     If  an  information  should  be  moved  for, 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

and  granted  against  you,  as  the  editor  of  these  letters,  I  hope 
you  will  have  honesty  and  wit  enough  to  appear  and  take 
your  trial — If  you  should  be  sentenced  to  the  pillory,  your 
fortune  is  made — As  times  go,  that's  a  sure  step  to  honour 
and  preferment.  I  shall  think  myself  happy  if  I  can  lend 
you  a  lift;  and  am  very  sincerely,  Yours, 

London,  Aug,  lo.  Henry  Davis. 

Please  my  kind  service  to  your  neighbour,  my  cousin 
Madoc. — I  have  sent  an  almanack  and  court  calendar,  di- 
rected for  him  at  Mr.  Sutton's,  bookseller  in  Gloucester,  car- 
riage paid,  which  he  will  please  to  accept  as  a  small  token 
of  my  regard.  My  wife,  who  is  very  fond  of  toasted  cheese, 
presents  her  compliments  to  him,  and  begs  to  know  if  there's 
any  of  that  kind  which  he  was  so  good  as  to  send  us  last 
Christmas,  to  be  sold  in  London.  H.  D. 


To  Dr.  Lewis. 

The  pills  are  good  for  nothing — I  might  as  well  swallow 
snow-balls  to  cool  my  reins — I  have  told  you  over  and  over, 
how  hard  I  am  to  move ;  and,  at  this  time  of  day,  I  ought  to 
know  something  of  my  own  constitution.  Why  will  you  be 
so  positive?  Prithee  send  me  another  prescription — I  am  as 
lame,  and  as  much  tortured  in  all  my  limbs,  as  if  I  was  broke 
upon  the  wheel.  Indeed,  I  am  equally  distressed  in  mind  and 
body — As  if  I  had  not  plagues  enough  of  my  own,  those 
children  of  my  sister  are  left  me  for  a  perpetual  source  of 
vexation — What  business  have  people  to  get  children  to 
plague  their  neighbours?  A  ridiculous  incident  that  hap- 
pened yesterday  to  my  niece  Liddy,  has  disordered  me  in 
such  a  manner,  that  I  expect  to  be  laid  up  with  another  fit 
of  the  gout — Perhaps  I  may  explain  myself  in  my  next.  I 
shall  set  out  to-morrow  morning  for  the  Hot  Well  at  Bristol, 
where  I  am  afraid  I  shall  stay  longer  than  I  could  wish.  On 
the  receipt  of  this,  send  Williams  thither  with  a  saddle-horse 
and  the  demi- pique.  Tell  Barns  to  thrash  out  the  two  old 
ricks,  and  send  the  corn  to  market,  and  sell  it  off  to  the  poor 
at  a  shilling  a  bushel  under  market  price. — I  have  received  a 
snivelling  letter  from  Griffin,  offering  to  make  a  public  sub- 

6 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

mission,  and  pay  costs.  I  want  none  of  his  submissions; 
neither  will  I  pocket  any  of  his  money — The  fellow  is  a  bad 
neighbour,  and  I  desire  to  have  nothing  to  do  with  him. 
But  as  he  is  purse-proud,  he  shall  pay  for  his  insolence.  Let 
him  give  five  pounds  to  the  poor  of  the  parish,  and  I'll  with- 
draw my  action ;  and  in  the  meantime  you  may  tell  Prig  to 
stop  proceedings. — Let  Morgan's  widow  have  the  Aldemey 
cow,  and  forty  shillings  to  clothe  her  children.  But  don't 
say  a  syllable  of  the  matter  to  any  living  soul — I'll  make  her 
pay  when  she  is  able.  I  desire  you  will  lock  up  all  my 
drawers,  and  keep  the  keys  till  meeting ;  and  be  sure  you  take 
the  iron  chest  with  my  papers  into  your  own  custody — For- 
give all  this  trouble  from. 

Dear  Lewis,  your  affectionate 
Gloucester,  April  2.  M.  Bramble. 


To  Mrs.  Gwyllim,  Housekeeper  at  Bramhleton  Hall. 

Mrs.  Gwyllim, — ^When  this  cums  to  hand,  be  sure  to  pack 
up  in  the  trunk  male  that  stands  in  my  closet,  to  be  sent  me 
in  the  Bristol  waggon,  without  loss  of  time,  the  following 
articles,  viz.  my  rose-collard  neglejay,  with  green  robins,  my 
yellow  damask,  and  my  black  velvet  suit,  with  the  short  hoop ; 
my  bloo  quilted  petticoat,  my  green  manteel,  my  laced  apron, 
my  French  commode,  Macklin  head  and  lappets,  and  the  litel 
box  with  my  jowls.  Williams  may  bring  over  my  bum- 
daffee,  and  the  viol  with  the  casings  of  Dr.  Hill's  dock-water, 
and  Chowder's  lacksitiff.  The  poor  creature  has  been  terri- 
bly constuperated  ever  since  we  left  huom.  Pray  take  par- 
ticular care  of  the  house  while  the  family  is  absent.  Let  there 
be  a  fire  constantly  kept  in  my  brother's  chamber  and  mine. 
The  maids,  having  nothing  to  do,  may  be  sat  a  spinning.  I 
desire  you'll  clap  a  pad-luck  on  the  windseller,  and  let  none 
of  the  men  have  excess  to  the  strong  bear — don't  forget  to 
have  the  gate  shit  every  evening  before  dark. — The  gardnir 
and  hind  may  lie  below  in  the  landry,  to  partake  the  house, 
with  the  blunderbuss  and  the  great  dog;  and  I  hope  you'll 
have  a  watchful  eye  over  the  maids.  I  know  that  hussey 
Mary  Jones  loves  to  be  rumping  with  the  men.  Let  me  know 
if  Aldemey's  calf  be  sould  yet,  and  what  he  fought — if  the 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

ould  goose  be  sitting;  and  if  the  cobler  has  cut  Dickey,  and 
how  the  poor  anemil  bore  the  operation. — No  more  at  pres- 
ent, "but  rests,  Yours, 

Glostar,  April  2.  Tabitha  Bramble. 


To  Mrs.  Mary  Jones^  at  Bramhleton  Hall. 

Dear  Molly, — Heaving  this  importunity,  I  send  my  love 
to  you  and  Saul,  being  in  good  health,  and  hoping  to  heer  the 
same  from  you;  and  that  you  and  Saul  will  take  my  poor 
kitten  to  bed  with  you  this  cold  weather.  We  have  been  all 
in  a  sad  taking  here  at  Glostar — Miss  Liddy  had  like  to  have 
run  away  with  a  player-man,  and  young  master  and  he  would 
adone  themselves  a  mischief;  but  the  squire  applied  to  the 
mare,  and  they  were  bound  over. — Mistress  bid  me  not  speak 
a  word  of  the  matter  to  any  Christian  soul — no  more  I  shall ; 
for,  we  servints  should  see  all,  and  say  nothing. — But,  what 
was  worse  than  all  this.  Chowder  has  had  the  misfortune  to 
be  worried  by  a  butcher's  dog,  and  came  home  in  a  terrible 
pickle — Mistriss  was  taken  with  the  asterisks,  but  they  soon 
went  off.  The  doctor  was  sent  for  to  Chowder,  and  he  sub- 
scribed a  repository,  which  did  him  great  service — thank 
God,  he's  now  in  a  fair  way  to  do  well — pray  take  care  of  my 
box  and  the  pillyber,  and  put  them  under  your  own  bed ;  for, 
I  do  suppose,  Madam  Gwyllim  will  be  a  prying  into  my 
secrets,  now  my  back  is  turned.  John  Thomas  is  in  good 
health,  but  sulky.  The  squire  gave  away  an  ould  coat  to  a 
poor  man ;  and  John  says  as  how  'tis  robbing  him  of  his  par- 
quisites. — I  told  him,  by  his  agreement,  he  was  to  receive  no 
vails;  but  he  says  as  how  there's  a  difference  betwixt  vails 
and  parquisites ;  and  so  there  is  for  sartin.  We  are  all  going 
to  the  Hot  Well,  where  I  shall  drink  your  health  in  a  glass  of 
water,  being,  dear  Molly,  your  humble  servant  to  command, 

Gloustar,  April  2.  W.  Jenkins. 


To  Sir  Watkin  Phillips,  Bart,  of  Jesus  Coll.,  Oxon. 

Dear  Phillips, — As  I  have  nothing  more  at  heart  than  to 
convince  you  I  am  incapable  of  forgetting  or  neglecting  the 
friendship  1  made  at  college,  I  now  begin  that  correspondence 
by  letters,  which  you  and  I  agreed  at  parting  to  cultivate.     I 

8 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

begin  it  sooner  than  I  intended,  that  you  may  have  it  in  your 
power  to  refute  any  idle  reports  which  may  be  circulated  to 
my  prejudice  at  Oxford,  touching  a  foolish  quarrel,  in  which 
J  have  been  involved  on  account  of  my  sister,  who  had  been 
some  lime  settled  here  in  a  boarding-school. — When  I  came 
hither  with  my  uncle  and  aunt,  who  are  our  guardians,  to 
fetch  her  away,  I  found  her  a  fine  tall  girl  of  seventeen,  with 
an  agreeable  person ;  but  remarkably  simple,  and  quite  igno- 
rant of  the  world.  This  disposition,  and  want  of  experience, 
had  exposed  her  to  the  addresses  of  a  person — I  know  not 
what  to  call  him,  who  had  seen  her  at  a  play ;  and,  with  a  con- 
fidence and  dexterity  peculiar  to  himself,  found  means  to  be 
recommended  to  her  acquaintance.  It  was  by  the  greatest 
accident  I  intercepted  one  of  his  letters.  As  it  was  my  duty 
to  stifle  this  correspondence  in  its  birth,  I  made  it  my  business 
to  find  him  out,  and  tell  him  very  freely  my  sentiments  of 
the  matter.  The  spark  did  not  like  the  style  I  used,  and  be- 
haved with  abundance  of  mettle.  Though  his  rank  in  life, 
which,  by  the  bye,  I  am  ashamed  to  declare,  did  not  entitle 
him  to  much  deference,  yet,  as  his  behaviour  was  remarkably 
spirited,  I  admitted  him  to  the  privilege  of  a  gentleman,  and 
something  might  have  happened,  had  not  we  been  prevented. 
In  short,  the  business  took  air,  I  know  not  how,  and  made 
abundance  of  noise — recourse  was  had  to  justice — I  was 
obliged  to  give  my  word  and  honour,  etc.,  and  to-morrow 
morning  we  set  out  for  Bristol  Wells,  where  I  expect  to  hear 
from  you  by  the  return  of  the  post. 

I  have  got  into  a  family  of  originals,  whom  I  may  one  day 
attempt  to  describe  for  your  amusement.  My  aunt,  Mrs. 
Tabitha  Bramble,  is  a  maiden  of  forty-five,  exceeding 
starched,  vain,  and  ridiculous.  My  uncle  is  an  odd  kind  of 
humourist,  always  on  the  fret,  and  so  unpleasant  in  his  man- 
ner, that,  rather  than  be  obliged  to  keep  him  company,  I'd 
resign  all  claim  to  the  inheritance  of  his  estate.  Indeed,  his 
being  tortured  by  the  gout  may  have  soured  his  temper,  and, 
perhaps,  I  may  like  him  better  on  farther  acquaintance.  Cer- 
tain it  is,  all  his  servants  and  neighbours  in  the  country  are 
fond  of  him  even  to  a  degree  of  enthusiasm,  the  reason  of 
which  I  cannot  as  yet  comprehend.  Remember  me  to  GrifTy 
Price,  Gwyn,  Mansel,  Basset,  and  all  the  rest  of  my  old  Cam- 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

brian  companions.     Salute  the  bed-maker  in  my  name — give 
my  service  to  the  cook,  and  pray  take  care  of  poor  Ponto,  for 
the  sake  of  his  old  master,  who  is,  and  ever  will  be,  dear 
Phillips,  your  affectionate  friend,  and  humble  servant, 
Gloucester,  April  2.  Jer.  Melford. 


To  Mrs.  Jermyn,  at  her  House  in  Gloucester. 

Dear  Madam, — Having  no  mother  of  my  own,  I  hope  you 
will  give  me  leave  to  disburden  my  poor  heart  to  you,  who 
have  always  acted  the  part  of  a  kind  parent  to  me,  ever  since 
I  was  put  under  your  care.  Indeed,  and  indeed,  my  worthy 
governess  may  believe  me,  v/hen  I  assure  her,  that  I  never 
harboured  a  thought  that  was  otherwise  than  virtuous;  and, 
if  God  will  give  me  grace,  I  shall  never  behave  so  as  to  cast 
a  reflection  on  the  care  you  have  taken  in  my  education.  I 
confess  I  have  given  just  cause  of  offence,  by  my  want  of 
prudence  and  experience.  I  ought  not  to  have  listened  to 
what  the  young  man  said;  and  it  was  my  duty  to  have  told 
you  all  that  passed,  but  I  was  ashamed  to  mention  it;  and 
then  he  behaved  so  modest  and  respectful,  and  seemed  to  be 
so  melancholy  and  timorous,  that  I  could  not  find  it  in  my 
heart  to  do  anything  that  should  make  him  miserable  and 
desperate.  As  for  familiarities,  I  do  declare,  I  never  once  al- 
lowed him  the  favour  of  a  salute;  and  as  to  the  few  letters 
that  passed  between  us,  they  are  all  in  my  uncle's  hands,  and 
I  hope  they  contain  nothing  contrary  to  innocence  and  hon- 
our. I  am  still  persuaded  that  he  is  not  what  he  appears  to 
be;  but  time  will  discover-^-meanwhile,  I  will  endeavour  to 
forget  a  connexion,  which  is  so  displeasing  to  my  family.  I 
have  cried  without  ceasing,  and  have  not  tasted  anything  but 
tea,  since  I  was  hurried  away  from  you ;  nor  did  I  once  close 
my  eyes  for  three  nights  running.  My  aunt  continues  to 
chide  me  severely,  when  we  are  by  ourselves;  but  I  hope  to 
soften  her  in  time,  by  humility  and  submission.  My  uncle, 
who  was  so  dreadfully  passionate  in  the  beginning,  has  been 
moved  by  my  tears  and  distress,  and  is  now  all  tenderness 
and  compassion;  and  my  brother  is  reconciled  to  me,  on  my 
promise  to  break  off  all  correspondence  with  that  unfortunate 
youth.     But,  notwithstanding  all   their  indulgence,   I   shall 

10 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

have  no  peace  of  mind  till  I  know  my  dear  and  ever  honoured 
governess  has  forgiven  her  poor,  disconsolate,  forlorn,  affec- 
tionate humble  servant,  till  death, 

Clifton,  April  6.  Lydia  Melford. 


To  Miss  L^ctitia  Willis^  at  Gloucester. 

My  Dearest  Letty, — I  am  in  such  a  fright,  lest  this 
should  not  come  safe  to  hand  by  the  conveyance  of  Jarvis  the 
carrier,  that  I  beg  you  will  write  me,  on  the  receipt  of  it, 
directing  to  me,  under  cover,  to  Mrs.  Winifred  Jenkins,  my 
aunt's  maid,  who  is  a  good  girl,  and  has  been  so  kind  to  me 
in  my  affliction,  that  I  have  made  her  my  confidant;  as  for 
Jarvis,  he  was  very  shy  of  taking  charge  of  my  letter  and  the 
little  parcel,  because  his  sister  Sally  had  like  to  have  lost 
her  place  on  my  account.  Indeed,  I  cannot  blame  the  man 
for  his  caution;  but  I  have  made  it  worth  his  while.  My 
dear  companion  and  bedfellow,  it  is  a  grievous  addition  to  my 
other  misfortunes,  that  I  am  deprived  of  your  agreeable  com- 
pany and  conversation,  at  a  time  when  I  need  so  much  the 
comfort  of  your  good  humour  and  good  sense;  but,  I  hope, 
the  friendship  we  contracted  at  the  boarding-school  will  last 
for  life — I  doubt  not  but,  on  my  side,  it  will  daily  increase 
and  improve,  as  I  gain  experience,  and  learn  to  know  the 
v^ue  of  a  true  friend. 

O,  my  dear  Letty!  what  shall  I  say  about  poor  Mr.  Wil- 
son? I  have  promised  to  break  off  all  correspondence,  and, 
if  possible,  to  forget  him ;  but,  alas !  I  begin  to  perceive  that 
it  will  not  be  in  my  power.  As  it  is  by  no  means  proper  that 
the  picture  should  remain  in  my  hands,  lest  it  should  be  the 
occasion  of  more  mischief,  1  have  sent  it  to  you  by  this  op- 
portunity, begging  you  will  either  keep  it  safe  till  better  times, 
or  return  it  to  Mr.  Wilson  himself,  who,  I  suppose,  will  make 
it  his  business  to  see  you  at  the  usual  place.  If  he  should  be 
low-spirited  at  my  sending  back  his  picture,  you  may  tell  him 
I  have  no  occasion  for  a  picture,  while  the  original  continues 

engraved  on  my  .     But,  no;  I  would  not  have  you  tell 

him  that  neither ;  because  there  must  be  an  end  of  my  corre- 
spondence— I  wish  he  may  forget  me,  for  the  sake  of  his  own 
peace;  and  yet,  if  he  should,  he  must  be  a  barbarous  . 

II 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

But,  'tis  impossible — poor  Wilson  cannot  be  false  and  incon- 
stant. I  beseech  him  not  to  write  to  me,  nor  attempt  to  see 
me  lor  some  time;  for,  considering  the  resentment  and  pas- 
sionate temper  of  my  brother  Jerry,  such  an  attempt  might 
be  attended  with  consequences  which  would  make  us  all  mis- 
erable for  life — let  us  trust  to  time  and  the  chapter  of  acci- 
dents ;  or  rather  to  that  Providence  which  will  not  fail,  sooner 
or  later,  to  reward  those  that  walk  in  the  paths  of  honour 
and  virtue. — I  would  offer  my  love  to  the  young  ladies,  but 
it  is  not  fit  that  any  of  them  should  know  that  you  have  re- 
ceived this  letter.  If  we  go  to  Bath,  I  shall  send  you  my 
simple  remarks  upon  that  famous  centre  of  polite  amusement, 
and  every  other  place  we  may  chance  to  visit;  and  I  flatter 
myself  that  my  dear  Miss  Willis  will  be  punctual  in  answer- 
ing the  letters  of  her  affectionate  Lydia  Melford. 
Clifton,  April  6. 


To  Dr.  Lewis. 

Dear  Lewis^ — I  have  followed  your  directions  with  some 
success,  and  might  have  been  upon  my  legs  by  this  time,  had 
the  weather  permitted  me  to  use  my  saddle-horse.  I  rode 
out  upon  the  Downs  last  Tuesday,  in  the  forenoon,  when  the 
sky,  as  far  as  the  visible  horizon,  was  without  a  cloud ;  but, 
before  I  had  gone  a  full  mile,  I  was  overtaken  instantaneous- 
ly by  a  storm  of  rain,  that  wet  me  to  the  skin  in  three  minutes 
— whence  it  came  the  devil  knows ;  but  it  has  laid  me  up  ( I 
suppose)  for  one  fortnight.  It  makes  me  sick  to  hear  people 
talk  of  the  fine  air  upon  Clifton  Downs.  How  can  the  air 
be  either  agreeable  or  salutary,  where  the  demon  of  vapours 
descends  in  a  perpetual  drizzle  ? 

My  confinement  is  the  more  intolerable,  as  I  am  surrounded 
with  domestic  vexations.  My  niece  has  had  a  dangerous  fit 
of  illness,  occasioned  by  that  cursed  incident  at  Gloucester, 
which  I  mentioned  in  my  last.  She  is  a  poor  good-natured 
simpleton,  as  soft  as  butter,  and  as  easily  melted— not  that 
she's  a  fool — the  girl's  parts  are  not  despicable,  and  her  edu- 
cation has  not  been  neglected;  that  is  to  say,  she  can  write 
and  spell,  and  speak  French,  and  play  upon  the  harpsichord; 
then  she  dances  finely,  has  a  good  figure,  and  is  very  well  in- 

J2 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

clined;  but  she's  deficient  in  spirit,  and  so  susceptible — and 
so  tender  forsooth ! — truly,  she  has  got  a  languishing  eye,  and 
reads  romances.  Then  there's  her  brother,  Squire  Jerry,  a 
pert  jackanapes,  full  of  college  petulance  and  self-conceit ; 
proud  as  a  German  count,  and  as  hot  and  hasty  as  a  Welsh 
mountaineer.  As  for  that  fantastical  animal  my  sister  Tabby, 
you  are  no  stranger  to  her  qualifications.  I  vow  to  God,  she 
is  sometimes  so  intolerable,  that  I  almost  think  she's  the  devil 
incarnate,  come  to  torment  me  for  my  sins ;  and  yet  I  am  con- 
scious of  no  sins  that  ought  to  entail  such  family  plagues 
upon  me — why  the  devil  should  not  I  shake  off  these  torments 
at  once  ?  I  an't  married  to  Tabby,  thank  Heaven !  nor  did  I 
beget  the  other  two.  Let  them  choose  another  guardian ;  for 
my  part,  I  an't  in  a  condition  to  take  care  of  myself,  much 
less  to  superintend  the  conduct  of  giddy-headed  boys  and 
girls. 

You  earnestly  desire  to  know  the  particulars  of  our  ad- 
venture at  Gloucester,  which  are  briefly  these,  and  I  hope 
they  will  go  no  farther: — Liddy  had  been  so  long  cooped  up 
in  a  boarding-school,  which,  next  to  a  nunnery,  is  the  worst 
kind  of  seminary  that  ever  was  contrived  for  young  women, 
that  she  became  as  inflammable  as  touchwood ;  and  going  to  a 
play  in  holiday-time — 'sdeath,  I'm  ashamed  to  tell  you !  she 
fell  in  love  with  one  of  the  actors — a  handsome  young  fellow, 
that  goes  by  the  name  of  Wilson.  The  rascal  soon  perceived 
the  impression  he  had  made,  and  managed  matters  so  as  to 
see  her  at  a  house  where  she  went  to  drink  tea  with  her  gov- 
erness. This  was  the  beginning  of  a  correspondence,  which 
they  kept  up  by  means  of  a  jade  of  a  milliner,  who  made  and 
dressed  caps  for  the  girls  at  the  boarding-school.  When  we 
arrived  at  Gloucester,  Liddy  came  to  stay  at  lodgings  with 
her  aunt,  and  Wilson  bribed  the  maid  to  deliver  a  letter  into 
her  own  hands ;  but  it  seems  Jerry  had  already  acquired  so 
much  credit  with  the  maid  (by  what  means  he  best  knows), 
that  she  carried  the  letter  to  him,  and  so  the  whole  plot  was 
discovered.  The  rash  boy,  without  saying  a  word  of  the  mat- 
ter to  me,  went  immediately  in  search  of  Wilson ;  and,  I  sup- 
pose, treated  him  with  insolence  enough.  The  theatrical  hero 
was  too  far  gone  in  romance  to  brook  such  usage.    He  replied 

13 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

in  blank  verse,  and  a  formal  challenge  ensued.  They  agreed 
to  meet  early  next  morning,  and  to  decide  the  dispute  with 
sword  and  pistol. 

I  heard  nothing  at  all  of  the  affair,  till  Mr.  Morley  came 
to  my  bedside  in  the  morning,  and  told  me  he  was  afraid  my 
nephew  was  going  to  fight,  as  he  had  been  overheard  talking 
very  loud  and  vehement  with  Wilson,  at  the  young  man's 
lodgings  the  night  before,  and  afterwards  went  and  bought 
powder  and  ball  at  a  shop  in  the  neighbourhood.  I  got  up 
immediately,  and,  upon  inquiry,  found  he  was  just  gone  out. 
I  begged  Morley  to  knock  up  the  mayor,  that  he  might  in- 
terpose as  a  magistrate ;  and,  in  the  meantime,  I  hobbled  after 
the  squire,  whom  I  saw  at  a  distance,  walking  at  a  great  pace 
towards  the  city  gate.  In  spite  of  all  my  efforts,  I  could  not 
come  up  till  our  two  combatants  had  taken  their  ground,  and 
were  priming  their  pistols.  An  old  house  luckily  screened 
me  from  their  view ;  so  that  I  rushed  upon  them  at  once  be- 
fore I  was  perceived.  They  were  both  confounded,  and  at- 
tempted to  make  their  escape  different  ways;  but  Morley 
coming  up  with  constables  at  that  instant,  took  Wilson  into 
custody,  and  Jerry  followed  him  quietly  to  the  mayor's  house. 

All  this  time  I  was  ignorant  of  what  had  passed  the  pre- 
ceding day ;  and  neither  of  the  parties  would  discover  a  tittle 
of  the  matter.  The  mayor  observed,  that  it  was  great  pre- 
sumption in  Wilson,  who  was  a  stroller,  to  proceed  to  such 
extremities  with  a  gentleman  of  family  and  fortune;  and 
threatened  to  commit  him  on  the  Vagrant  Act.  The  young 
fellow  bustled  up  with  great  spirit,  declaring  he  was  a  gen- 
tleman, and  would  be  treated  as  such ;  but  he  refused  to 
explain  himself  farther.  The  master  of  the  company  being 
sent  for,  and  examined  touching  the  said  Wilson,  said  the 
young  man  had  engaged  with  him  at  Birmingham  about  six 
months  ago,  but  never  would  take  his  salary ;  that  he  behaved 
so  well  in  his  private  character,  as  to  acquire  the  respect  and 
good-will  of  all  his  acquaintance;  and  that  the  public  owned 
his  merit  as  an  actor  was  altogether  extraordinary.  After 
all,  I  fancy  he  will  turn  out  to  be  a  runaway  'prentice  from 
London.  The  manager  offered  to  bail  him  for  any  sum,  pro- 
vided he  would  give  his  word  and  honour  that  he  would  keep 
the  peace;  but  the  young  gentleman  was  on  his  high  ropes, 

14 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

and  would  by  no  means  lay  himself  under  any  restrictions. 
On  the  other  hand,  Hopeful  was  equally  obstinate;  till  at 
length  the  mayor  declared,  that,  if  they  both  refused  to  be 
bound  over,  he  would  immediately  commit  Wilson,  as  a 
vagrant,  to  hard  labour.  I  own  I  was  much  pleased  with 
Jerry's  behaviour  on  this  occasion.  He  said,  that,  rather  than 
Mr.  Wilson  should  be  treated  in  such  an  ignominious  man- 
ner, he  would  give  his  word  and  honour  to  prosecute  the 
affair  no  farther  while  the}'  remained  at  Gloucester.  Wilson 
thanked  him  for  his  generous  manner  of  proceeding,  and 
was  discharged. 

On  our  return  to  our  lodgings,  my  nephew  explained  the 
whole  mystery ;  and  I  own  I  was  exceedingly  incensed.  Lid- 
dy  being  questioned  on  the  subject,  and  very  severely  re- 
proached by  that  wild  cat  my  sister  Tabby,  first  swooned 
away,  then  dissolving  into  a  flood  of  tears,  confessed  all  the 
particulars  of  the  correspondence;  at  the  same  time  giving 
up  three  letters,  which  were  all  she  l^ad  received  from  her 
admirer.  The  last,  which  Jerry  intercepted,  I  send  you  en- 
closed; and  when  you  have  read  it,  I  dare  say  you  won't 
wonder  at  the  progress  the  writer  had  made  in  the  heart  of 
a  simple  girl  utterly  unacquainted  with  the  characters  of  man- 
kind. Thinking  it  was  high  time  to  remove  her  from  such  a 
dangerous  connexion,  I  carried  her  off  the  very  next  day  to 
Bristol ;  but  the  poor  creature  was  so  frightened  and  fluttered 
by  our  threats  and  expostulations,  that  she  fell  sick  the  fourth 
day  after  our  arrival  at  Clifton,  and  continued  so  ill  for  a 
whole  week,  that  her  life  was  despaired  of.  It  was  not  till 
y^terday  that  Dr.  Rigge  declared  her  out  of  danger.  You 
cannot  imagine  what  I  have  suffered,  partly  from  the  indis- 
cretion of  this  poor  child,  but  much  more  from  the  fear  of 
losing  her  entirely. 

This  air  is  intolerably  cold,  and  the  place  quite  solitary. 
I  never  go  down  to  the  well  without  returning  low-spirited; 
for  there  I  meet  with  half  a  dozen  poor  emaciated  creatures, 
with  ghostly  looks,  in  the  last  stage  of  a  consumption,  who 
have  made  shift  to  linger  through  the  winter  like  so  many 
exotic  plants  languishing  in  a  hothouse ;  but  in  all  appearance 
will  drop  into  their  graves  before  the  sun  has  warmth  enough 
to  mitigate  the  rigour  of  this  ungenial  spring.     If  you  think 

15 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

the  Bath  water  will  be  of  any  service  to  me,  I  will  go  thither 
as  soon  as  my  niece  can  bear  the  motion  of  the  coach.  Tell 
Bams  I  am  obliged  to  him  for  his  advice,  but  don't  choose  to 
follow  it.  If  Davies  voluntarily  offers  to  give  up  the  farm, 
the  other  shall  have  it;  but  I  will  not  begin  at  this  time  of 
day  to  distress  my  tenants  because  they  are  unfortunate,  and 
cannot  make  regular  payments.  I  wonder  that  Barns  should 
think  me  capable  of  such  oppression.  As  for  Higgins,  the 
fellow  is  a  notorious  poacher,  to  be  sure;  and  an  impudent 
rascal  to  set  his  snares  in  my  own  paddock;  but  I  suppose 
he  thought  he  had  some  right,  especially  in  my  absence,  to 
partake  of  what  nature  seems  to  have  intended  for  common 
use.  You  may  threaten  him  in  my  name  as  much  as  you 
please;  and  if  he  repeats  the  offence,  let  me  know  it  before 
you  have  recourse  to  justice.  I  know  you  are  a  great  sports- 
man, and  oblige  many  of  your  friends.  I  need  not  tell  you 
to  make  use  of  my  grounds ;  but  it  may  be  necessary  to  hint, 
that  I'm  more  afraid  of  my  fowling-piece  than  of  my  game. 
When  you  can  spare  two  or  three  brace  of  partridges,  send 
them  over  by  the  stage-coach ;  and  tell  Gwyllim  that  she  for- 
got to  pack  up  my  flannels  and  wide  shoes  in  the  trunk-mail. 
I  shall  trouble  you  as  usual,  from  time  to  time,  till  at  last,  I 
suppose,  you  will  be  tired  of  corresponding  with  your  assured 
friend,  M.  Bramble. 

Clifton,  April  17. 


To  Miss  Lydia  Melford. 

Miss  Willis  has  pronounced  my  doom — you  are  going 
away,  dear  Miss  Melford — you  are  going  to  be  removed  I 
know  not  whither !  what  shall  I  do  ?  which  way  shall  I  turn 
for  consolation  ?  I  know  not  what  I  say — all  night  long  have 
I  been  tossed  in  a  sea  of  doubts  and  fears,  uncertainty  and 
distraction,  without  being  able  to  connect  my  thoughts,  much 
less  to  form  any  consistent  plan  of  conduct — I  was  even 
tempted  to  wish  that  I  had  never  seen  you;  or  that  you  had 
been  less  amiable,  or  less  compassionate  to  your  poor  Wilson ; 
and  yet  it  would  be  detestable  ingratitude  in  me  to  form  such 
a  wish,  considering  how  much  I  am  indebted  to  your  good- 
ness, and  the  ineffable  pleasure  I  have  derived  from  your  in- 

16 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

diligence  and  approbation.  Good  God!  I  never  heard  your 
name  mentioned  without  emotion !  the  most  distant  prospect 
of  being  admitted  to  your  company  filled  my  whole  soul  with 
a  kind  of  pleasing  alarm!  as  the  time  approached  my  heart 
beat  with  redoubled  force,  and  every  nerve  thrilled  with  a 
transport  of  expectation ;  but  when  I  found  myself  actually 
in  your  presence — when  I  heard  you  speak — when  I  «aw  you 
smile — when  I  beheld  your  charming  eyes  turned  favourably 
upon  me,  my  breast  was  filled  with  such  tumults  of  delight 
as  wholly  deprived  me  of  the  power  of  utterance,  and  wrapt 
me  in  a  delirium  of  joy!  Encouraged  by  your  sweetness  of 
temper  and  affability,  I  ventured  to  describe  the  feelings  of 
my  heart — even  then  you  did  not  check  my  presumption — you 
pitied  my  sufferings,  and  gave  me  leave  to  hope; — you  put  a 
favourable,  perhaps  too  favourable  a  construction,  on  my  ap- 
pearance. 

Certain  it  is,  I  am  no  player  in  love — I  speak  the  language 
of  my  own  heart,  and  have  no  prompter  but  nature.  Yet 
there  is  something  in  this  heart  which  I  have  not  yet  dis- 
closed— I  flatter  myself — but  I  will  not,  I  must  not  proceed. 
Dear  Miss  Liddy!  for  Heaven's  sake  contrive,  if  possible, 
some  means  of  letting  me  speak  to  you  before  you  leave 
Gloucester,  otherwise  I  know  not  what  will — But  I  begin  to 
rave  again — I  will  endeavour  to  bear  this  trial  with  fortitude 
— while  I  am  capable  of  reflecting  upon  your  tenderness  and 
truth,  I  surely  have  no  cause  to  despair — yet  I  am  strangely 
affected.  The  sun  seems  to  deny  me  light — a  cloud  hangs 
over  me,  and  there  is  a  dreadful  weight  upon  my  spirits! 
While  you  stay  in  this  place  I  shall  continually  hover  about 
your  lodgings,  as  the  parted  soul  is  said  to  linger  about  the 
grave  where  its  mortal  consort  lies.  I  know  if  it  is  in  your 
power  you  will  task  your  humanity — your  compassion — shall 
I  add,  your  affection?  in  order  to  assuage  the  almost  intoler- 
able disquiet  that  tonnents  the  heart  of  your  afflicted 

Gloucester,  March  31.  Wilson. 


To  Sir  Watkin  Phillips,  of  Jesus  College,  Oxon. 

Dear  Phillips, — I  give  Mansel  credit  for  his  invention  in 
propagating  the  report,  that  I  had  a  quarrel  with  a  mounte- 

17 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

bank's  Merry  Andrew  at  Gloucester.  But  I  have  too  much 
respect  for  every  appendage  of  wit  to  quarrel  even  with  the 
lowest  buffoonery;  and  therefore  I  hope  Mansel  and  I  shall 
always  be  good  friends.  I  cannot,  however,  approve  of  his 
drowning  my  poor  dog  Ponto,  on  purpose  to  convert  Ovid's 
pleonasm  into  a  punning  epitaph — deerant  quoque  littora 
Ponto.  *For,  that  he  threw  him  into  the  Isis,  when  it  was  so 
high  and  impetuous,  with  no  other  view  than  to  kill  the  fleas, 
is  an  excuse  that  will  not  hold  water.  But  I  leave  poor  Ponto 
to  his  fate,  and  hope  Providence  will  take  care  to  accommo- 
date Mansel  with  a  drier  death. 

As  there  is  nothing  that  can  be  called  company  at  the  well, 
I  am  here  in  a  state  o^  absolute  rustication.  This,  however, 
gives  me  leisure  to  observe  the  singularities  in  my  uncle's 
character,  which  seems  to  have  interested  your  curiosity. 
The  truth  is,  his  disposition  and  mine,  which,  like  oil  and 
vinegar,  repelled  one  another  at  first,  have  now  begun  to  mix, 
by  dint  of  being  beat  up  together.  I  was  once  apt  to  believe 
him  a  complete  Cynic,  and  that  nothing  but  the  necessity 
of  his  occasions  could  compel  him  to  get  within  the  pale  of 
society.  I  am  now  of  another  opinion ;  I  think  his  peevish- 
ness arises  partly  from  bodily  pain,  and  partly  from  a  natural 
excess  of  mental  sensibility;  for,  I  suppose,  the  mind  as  well 
as  the  body,  is,  in  some  cases,  endowed  with  a  morbid  excess 
of  sensation. 

As  I  have  something  else  to  say,  I  shall  now  give  you  a 
little  respite,  and  trouble  you  again  by  the  very  first  post. 
I  wish  you  would  take  it  in  your  head  to  retaliate  these  double 
strokes  upon  yours  always,  J.  Melford. 

Hot  Well,  April  i8. 

To  Sir  Watkin  Phillips,  of  Jesus  College,  O.von. 

Dear  Knight, — I  now  sit  down  to  execute  the  threat  in 
the  tail  of  my  last.  The  truth  is,  I  am  big  with  the  secret,  and 
long  to  be  delivered.  It  relates  to  my  guardian,  who,  you 
know,  is  at  present  our  principal  object  in  view. 

T'other  day,  I  thought  I  had  detected  him  in  such  a  state 
of  frailty,  as  would  but  ill  become  his  years  and  character. 
There  is  a  decent  sort  of  a  woman,  not  disagreeable  in  her 

i8 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

person,  that  comes  to  the  well,  with  a  poor  emaciated  child, 
far  gone  in  a  consumption.  I  had  caught  my  uncle's  eyes 
several  times  directed  to  this  person,  with  a  very  suspicious 
expression  in  them;  and  every  time  he  saw  himself  observed, 
he  hastily  withdrew  them,  with  evident  marks  of  confusion. 
I  resolved  to  watch  him  more  narrowly,  and  saw  him  speak- 
ing to  her  privately  in  a  corner  of  the  walk.  At  length,  going 
down  to  the  well  one  day,  I  met  her  half-way  up  the  hill  to 
Clifton,  and  could  not  help  suspecting  she  was  going  to  our 
lodgings  by  appointment,  as  it  was  about  one  o'clock,  the 
hour  when  my  sister  and  I  are  generally  at  the  pump-room. 
This  notion  exciting  my  curiosity,  I  returned  by  a  back  way, 
and  got  unperceived  into  my  own  chamber,  which  is  con- 
tiguous to  my  uncle's  apartment.  Sure  enough,  the  woman 
was  introduced,  but  not  into  his  bed-chamber.  He  gave  her 
audience  in  a  parlour ;  so  that  I  was  obliged  to  shift  my  sta- 
tion to  another  room,  where,  however,  there  was  a  small 
chink  in  the  partition,  through  which  I  could  perceive  what 
passed.  My  uncle,  though  a  little  lame,  rose  up  when  she 
came  in,  and,  setting  a  chair  for  her,  desired  she  would  sit 
down;  then  he  asked  if  she  would  take  a  dish  of  chocolate, 
which  she  declined,  with  much  acknowledgment. 

After  a  short  pause,  he  said,  in  a  croaking  tone  of  voice, 
which  confounded  me  not  a  little,  "  Madam,  I  am  truly  con- 
cerned for  your  misfortunes,  and  if  this  trifle  can  be  of  any 
service  to  you,  I  beg  you  will  accept  it  without  ceremony." 
So  saying,  he  put  a  bit  of  paper  into  her  hand,  which  she 
opening  with  great  trepidation,  exclaimed  in  an  ecstasy, 
"  Twenty  pounds !  Oh,  sir ! "  and,  sinking  down  on  a  settee, 
fainted  away.  Frightened  at  this  fit,  and,  I  suppose,  afraid 
of  calling  for  assistance,  lest  her  situation  should  give  rise  to 
unfavourable  conjectures,  he  ran  about  the  room  in  distrac- 
tion, making  frightful  grimaces,  and  at  length  had  recollec- 
tion enough  to  throw  a  little  water  in  her  face,  by  which 
application  she  was  brought  to  herself;  but  then  her  feelings 
took  another  turn.  She  shed  a  flood  of  tears,  and  cried 
aloud,  '*  I  know  not  who  you  are ;  but  sure — worthy  sir ! — 
generous  sir ! — the  distress  of  me  and  my  poor  dying  child — 
Oh!  if  the  widow's  prayers — if  the  orphan's  tears  of  grati- 
tude   can    aught    avail — Gracious     Providence! — Blessing! 

19 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

shower  down  eternal  blessings  " — Here  she  was  interrupted 
by  my  uncle,  who  muttered  in  a  voice  still  more  and  more 
discordant,  "  For  Heaven's  sake  be  quiet,  madam — consider 
— the  people  of  the  house — 'sdeath !  can't  you." — All  this 
time  she  was  struggling  to  throw  herself  on  her  knees,  while 
he,  seizing  her  by  the  wrists,  endeavoured  to  seat  her  upon 
the  settee,  saying,  "  Prithee — good  now — hold  your  tongue." 

At  that  instant,  who  should  burst  into  the  room  but  our 
aimt  Tabby!  of  all  antiquated  maidens  the  most  diabolically 
capricious.  Ever  prying  into  other  people's  affairs,  she  had 
seen  the  woman  enter,  and  followed  her  to  the  door,  where 
she  stood  listening,  but  probably  could  hear  nothing  distinct- 
ly except  my  uncle's  last  exclamation,  at  which  she  bounced 
into  the  parlour  in  a  violent  rage,  that  dyed  the  tip  of  her  nose 
of  a  purple  hue.  "  Fie  upon  you,  Matt ! "  cried  she,  "  what 
doings  are  these,  to  disgrace  your  own  character,  and  dis- 
parage your  family  ?  "  Then  snatching  the  bank-note  out  of 
the  stranger's  hand,  she  went  on,  "  How  now,  twenty  pounds ! 
— here  is  a  temptation  with  a  witness! — Good  woman,  go 
about  your  business — Brother,  brother,  I  know  not  which 
most  to  admire,  your  concupissins,  or  your  extravagance ! " 
— "  Good  God !  "  exclaimed  the  poor  woman,  "  shall  a  worthy 
gentleman's  character  suffer  for  an  action  that  does  honour 
to  humanity  ?  "  By  this  time,  uncle's  indignation  was  effect- 
ually roused.  His  face  grew  pale,  his  teeth  chattered,  and 
his  eyes  flashed.  "  Sister,"  cried  he,  in  a  voice  like  thunder, 
"  I  vow  to  God  your  impertinence  is  exceedingly  provoking !  " 

With  these  words  he  took  her  by  the  hand,  and,  opening 
the  door  of  communication,  thrust  her  into  the  chamber  where 
I  stood,  so  affected  by  the  scene,  that  the  tears  ran  down  my 
cheeks.  Observing  these  marks  of  emotion,  "  I  don't  won- 
der," said  she,  "  to  see  you  concerned  at  the  backslidings  of 
so  near  a  relation ;  a  man  of  his  years  and  infirmities — these 
are  line  doings,  truly — this  is  a  rare  example  set  by  a  guard- 
ian for  the  benefit  of  his  pupils ;  monstrous !  incongruous ! 
sophistical!  "  I  thought  it  was  but  an  act  of  justice  to  set  her 
to  rights,  and  therefore  explained  the  mystery ;  but  she  would 
not  be  undeceived.  "  What !  "  said  she,  "  would  you  go  for 
to  offer  for  to  arguefy  me  out  of  my  senses?  Didn't  I  hear 
him  whispering  to  her  to  hold  her  tongue?    Didn't  I  see  her 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

in  tears  ?  Didn't  I  see  him  struggling  to  throw  her  upon  the 
couch?  O  filthy!  hideous!  abominable!  Child,  child,  talk 
not  to  me  of  charity — who  gives  twenty  pounds  in  charity? 
But  you  are  a  stripling ;  you  know  nothing  of  the  world ;  be- 
sides, charity  begins  at  home.  Twenty  pounds  would  buy  me 
a  complete  suit  of  flowered  silk,  trimmings  and  all."  In  short, 
T  quitted  the  room,  my  contempt  for  her,  and  my  respect  for 
her  brother  being  increased  in  the  same  proportion.  I  have 
since  been  informed,  that  the  person  whom  my  uncle  so  gen- 
erously relieved,  is  the  widow  of  an  ensign,  who  has  nothing 
to  depend  upon  but  the  pension  of  fifteen  pounds  a  year.  The 
people  of  the  well-house  give  her  an  excellent  character.  She 
lodges  in  a  garret,  and  works  very  hard  at  plain  work,  to 
support  her  daughter,  who  is  dying  of  a  consumption.  I 
must  own,  to  my  shame,  I  feel  a  strong  inclination  to  follow 
my  uncle's  example,  in  relieving  this  poor  widow;  but,  be- 
twixt friends,  I  am  afraid  of  being  detected  in  a  weakness 
that  might  entail  the  ridicule  of  the  company  upon, 
Dear  Phillips,  Yours  always. 

Hot  Well,  April  20.  J.  Melford. 

Direct  your  next  to  me  at  Bath;  and  remember  me  to  all 
our  fellow  Jesuits. 


To  Dr.  Lewis. 

I  UNDERSTAND  your  hint.  There  are  mysteries  in  physic 
as  well  as  in  religion,  which  we  of  the  profane  have  no  right 
to  investigate.  A  man  must  not  presume  to  use  his  reason, 
unless  he  has  studied  the  categories,  and  can  chop  logic  by 
mode  and  figure.  Between  friends,  I  think,  every  man  of 
tolerable  parts  ought,  at  my  time  of  day,  to  be  both  physician 
and  lawyer,  as  far  as  his  own  constitution  and  property  are 
concerned.  For  my  own  part,  I  have  had  an  hospital  these 
fourteen  years  within  myself,  and  studied  my  own  case  with 
the  most  painful  attention ;  consequently  may  be  supposed  to 
know  something  of  the  matter,  although  I  have  not  taken 
regular  courses  of  physiology,  etc.,  etc.  In  short,  I  have  for 
some  time  been  of  opinion  (no  offence,  dear  doctor),  that 
the  sum  of  all  your  medical  discoveries  amounts  to  this,  that 
the  more  you  study,  the  less  you  know. 

21.  ^  - 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

I  have  read  all  that  has  been  written  on  the  Hot  Wells, 
and  what  I  can  collect  from  the  whole  is,  that  the  water  con- 
tains nothing  but  a  little  salt  and  calcareous  earth,  mixed  in 
such  inconsiderable  proportion,  as  can  have  very  little,  if  any, 
effect  on  the  animal  economy.  This  being  the  case,  I  think 
the  man  deserves  to  be  fitted  with  a  cap  and  bells,  who,  for 
such  a  paltry  advantage  as  this  spring  affords,  sacrifices  his 
precious  time,  which  might  be  employed  in  taking  more  ef- 
fectual remedies,  and  exposes  himself  to  the  dirt,  the  stench, 
the  chillmg  blasts,  and  perpetual  rains,  that  render  this  place 
to  me  intolerable.  If  these  waters,  from  a  small  degree  of 
astringency,  are  of  some  service  in  the  diabetes,  diarrhoea, 
and  night  sweats,  when  the  secretions  are  too  much  increased, 
must  not  they  do  harm  in  the  same  proportion,  where  the 
humours  are  obstructed,  as  in  the  asthma,  scurvy,  gout,  and 
dropsy?  Now  we  talk  of  the  dropsy,  here  is  a  strange  fan- 
tastical oddity,  one  of  your  brethren,  who  harangues  every 
day  in  the  pump-room,  as  if  he  was  hired  to  give  lectures  on 
all  subjects  whatsoever.  I  know  not  what  to  make  of  him; 
sometimes  he  makes  shrewd  remarks,  at  other  times  he  talks 
like  the  greatest  simpleton  in  nature.  He  has  read  a  great 
deal,  but  without  method  or  judgment,  and  digested  nothing. 
He  believes  everything  he  has  read,  especially  if  it  has  any- 
thing of  the  marvellous  in  it;  and  his  conversation  is  a  sur- 
prising hotch-potch  of  erudition  and  extravagance.  He  told 
me  t'other  day,  with  great  confidence,  that  my  case  was  drop- 
sical ;  or,  as  he  called  it,  leucophlegmatic;  a  sure  sign  that  his 
want  of  experience  is  equal  to  his  presumption ;  for,  you 
know,  there  is  nothing  analogous  to  the  dropsy  in  my  dis- 
order. I  wish  those  impertinent  fellows,  with  their  rickety 
understandings,  would  keep  their  advice  for  those  who  ask 
it — Dropsy,  indeed !  Sure  I  have  not  lived  to  the  age  of 
fifty-five,  and  had  such  experience  of  my  own  disorder,  and 
consulted  you  and  other  eminent  physicians,  so  often  and  so 

long,  to  be  undeceived  by  such  a  .     But,  without  all 

doubt,  the  man  is  mad,  and  therefore  what  he  says  is  of  no 
consequence. 

I  had  yesterday  a  visit  from  Higgins,  who  came  hither  un- 
der the  terror  of  your  threats,  and  brought  me  in  a  present  a 
brace  of  hares,  which  he  owned  he  took  in  my  ground;  and 

22 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

I  could  not  persuade  the  fellow  that  he  did  wrong,  or  that 
I  would  ever  prosecute  him  for  poaching.  I  must  desire  you 
will  wink  hard  at  the  practices  of  this  rascallion,  otherwise 
I  shall  be  plagued  with  his  presents,  which  cost  me  more  than 
they  are  worth. — If  I  could  wonder  at  anything  Fitzowen 
does,  I  should  be  surprised  at  his  assurance,  in  desiring  you 
to  solicit  my  vote  for  him  at  the  next  election  for  the  county ; 
for  him,  who  opposed  me  on  the  like  occasion,  with  the  most 
illiberal  competition.  You  may  tell  him  civilly,  that  I  beg  to 
be  excused.  Direct  your  next  for  me  at  Bath,  whither  I 
propose  to  remove  to-morrow;  not  only  on  my  own  account, 
but  for  the  sake  of  my  niece  Liddy,  who  is  like  to  relapse. 
The  poor  creature  fell  into  a  fit  yesterday,  while  I  was  cheap- 
ening a  pair  of  spectacles  with  a  Jew  pedlar.  I  am  afraid 
there  is  something  still  lurking  in  that  little  heart  of  hers, 
which  I  hope  a  change  of  objects  will  remove.  Let  me  know 
what  you  think  of  this  half-witted  doctor's  impertinent,  ridic- 
ulous, and  absurd  notion  of  my  disorder.  So  far  from  being 
dropsical,  I  am  as  lank  in  the  belly  as  a  greyhound;  and,  by 
measuring  my  ankle  with  a  packthread,  I  find  the  swelling 
subsides  every  day.  From  such  doctors,  good  Lord  deliver 
us ! — I  have  not  yet  taken  any  lodgings  in  Bath ;  because  there 
we  can  be  accommodated  at  a  minute's  warning,  and  I  shall 
choose  for  myself.  I  need  not  say  your  directions  for  drink- 
ing and  bathing  will  be  agreeable  to. 

Dear  Lewis,  Yours  ever. 
Hot  Well,  April  20.  Matt.  Bramble. 

PS. — I  forgot  to  tell  you,  that  my  right  ankle  pits,  a  symp- 
tom, as  I  take  it,  of  its  being  oedematous,  not  leuco phlegmatic. 


To  Miss  L^titia  Willis^  at  Gloucester. 

My  dear  Letty, — I  did  not  intend  to  trouble  you  again  till 
we  should  be  settled  at  Bath,  but  having  the  occasion  of 
Jarvis,  I  could  not  let  it  slip,  especially  as  I  have  something 
extraordinary  to  communicate.  O  my  dear  companion !  what 
shall  I  tell  you  ?  for  several  days  past  there  was  a  Jew-looking 
man,  that  plied  at  the  wells  with  a  box  of  spectacles,  and  he 
always  eyed  me  so  earnestly  that  I  began  to  be  very  uneasy. 

23 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

At  last  he  came  to  our  lodgings  at  Clifton,  and  lingered  about 
the  door,  as  if  he  wanted  to  speak  to  somebody.  I  was 
seized  with  an  odd  kind  of  fluttering,  and  begged  Win  to 
throw  herself  in  his  way,  but  the  poor  girl  has  weak  nerves, 
and  was  afraid  of  his  beard.  My  uncle  having  occasion  for 
new  glasses,  called  him  upstairs,  and  was  trying  a  pair  of 
spectacles,  when  the  man,  advancing  to  me,  said  in  a  whisper 
— O  gracious !  what  d'ye  think  he  said ! — "  I  am  Wilson !  " 
His  features  struck  me  that  very  moment — it  was  Wilson  sure 
enough !  but  so  disguised,  that  it  would  have  been  impossible 
to  know  him  if  my  heart  had  not  assisted  in  the  discovery. 

I  was  so  surprised,  and  so  frightened,  that  I  fainted  away, 
but  soon  recovered,  and  found  myself  supported  by  him  on 
the  chair,  while  my  uncle  was  running  about  the  room,  with 
the  spectacles  on  his  nose,  calling  for  help.  I  had  no  oppor- 
tunity to  speak  to  him,  but  our  looks  were  sufficiently  ex- 
pressive. He  was  paid  for  his  glasses,  and  went  away.  Then 
I  told  Win  who  he  was,  and  sent  her  after  him  to  the  pump- 
room,  where  she  spoke  to  him,  and  begged  him,  in  my  name, 
to  withdraw  from  the  place,  that  he  might  not  incur  the 
suspicion  of  my  uncle  or  my  brother,  if  he  did  not  want  to 
see  me  die  of  terror  and  vexation.  The  poor  youth  declared, 
with  tears  in  his  eyes,  that  he  had  something  extraordinary 
to  communicate,  and  asked  if  she  would  deliver  a  letter  to 
me,  but  this  she  absolutely  refused,  by  my  order.  Finding 
her  obstinate  in  her  refusal,  he  desired  she  would  tell  me,  that 
he  was  no  longer  a  player,  but  a  gentleman,  in  which  charac- 
ter he  would  very  soon  avow  his  passion  for  me,  without  fear 
of  censure  or  reproach — nay,  he  even  discovered  his  name  and 
family,  which,  to  my  great  grief,  the  simple  girl  forgot,  in 
the  confusion  occasioned  by  her  being  seen  talking  to  him  by 
my  brother,  who  stopped  her  on  the  road,  and  asked  what 
business  she  had  with  that  rascally  Jew.  She  pretended  she 
was  cheapening  a  stay-hook;  but  was  thrown  into  such  a 
quandary,  that  she  forgot  the  most  material  part  of  the  in- 
foniiation,  and  when  she  came  home,  went  into  an  hysteric 
fit  of  laughing.  This  transaction  happened  three  days  ago, 
during  which  he  has  not  appeared,  so  that  I  suppose  he  is 
gone. 

Dear  Letty!  you  see  how  fortune  takes  pleasure  in  perse- 

24 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

cuting  your  poor  friend.  If  you  should  see  him  at  Gloucester, 
or,  if  you  have  seen  him,  and  know  his  real  name  and  family, 
pray  keep  mc  no  longer  in  suspense;  and  yet,  if  he  is  under 
no  obligation  to  keep  himself  longer  concealed,  and  has  a 
real  affection  for  me,  I  should  hope  he  will,  in  a  little  time, 
declare  himself  to  my  relations.  Sure,  if  there  is  nothing 
unsuitable  in  the  match,  they  won't  be  so  cruel  as  to  thwart 
my  inclinations;  O  what  happiness  would  then  be  my  por- 
tion! I  can't  help  indulging  the  thought,  and  pleasing  my 
fancy  with  such  agreeable  ideas,  which,  after  all,  perhaps,  will 
never  be  realised.  But  why  should  I  despair?  who  knows 
what  will  happen !  We  set  out  for  Bath  to-morrow,  and  I 
am  almost  sorry  for  it,  as  I  begin  to  be  in  love  with  solitude, 
and  this  is  a  charming  romantic  place.  The  air  is  so  pure, 
the  Downs  are  so  agreeable,  the  furze  in  full  blossom,  the 
ground  enamelled  with  daisies,  and  primroses,  and  cowslips; 
all  the  trees  bursting  into  leaves,  and  the  hedges  already 
clothed  with  their  vernal  livery;  the  mountains  covered  with 
flocks  of  sheep,  and  tender  bleating  wanton  lambkins  playing, 
frisking,  and  skipping  from  side  to  side;  the  groves  resound 
with  the  notes  of  the  blackbird,  thrush,  and  linnet ;  and  all 
night  long  sweet  Philomel  pours  forth  her  ravi  shingly  de- 
lightful song.  Then,  for  variety,  we  go  down  to  the  nymph 
of  Bristol  spring,  where  the  company  is  assembled  before  din- 
ner ;  so  good-natured,  so  free,  so  easy ;  and  there  we  drink  the 
water  so  clear,  so  pure,  so  mild,  so  charmingly  mawkish ;  there 
the  sun  is  so  cheerful  and  reviving,  the  weather  so  soft,  the 
walk  so  agreeable,  the  prospect  so  amusing ;  and  the  ships  and 
boats  going  up  and  down  the  river,  close  under  the  windows 
of  the  pump-room,  afford  such  an  enchanting  variety  of  mov- 
ing pictures,  as  require  a  much  abler  pen  than  mine  to  de- 
scribe. To  make  this  place  a  perfect  paradise  to  me,  nothing 
is  wanting  but  an  agreeable  companion,  and  sincere  friend, 
such  as  my  dear  Miss  Willis  hath  been,  and,  I  hope,  still  will 
be,  to  her  ever  faithful,  Lydia  Melford. 

Hot  Well,  April  21. 

Direct  for  me,  still  under  cover  to  Win,  and  Jarvis  will  take 
care  to  convey  it  safe.     Adieu. 

25 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

To  Sir  Watkin  Phillips^  of  Jesus  College,  Oxon. 

Dear  Phillips, — You  have,  indeed,  reason  to  be  surprised 
that  I  should  have  concealed  my  correspondence  with  Miss 
Blackerby  from  you,  to  whom  I  disclosed  all  my  other  con- 
nexions of  that  nature;  but  the  truth  is,  I  never  dreamed  of 
any  such  commerce,  till  your  last  informed  me  that  it  had 
produced  something  which  could  not  be  much  longer  con- 
cealed. It  is  a  lucky  circumstance,  however,  that  her  reputa- 
tion will  not  suffer  any  detriment,  but  rather  derive  advantage 
from  the  discovery,  which  will  prove,  at  least,  that  it  is  not 
quite  so  rotten  as  most  people  imagined.  For  my  own  part,  I 
declare  to  you,  in  all  the  sincerity  of  friendship,  that,  far  from 
having  any  amorous  intercourse  with  the  object  in  question,  I 
never  had  the  least  acquaintance  with  her  person ;  but  if  she 
is  really  in  the  condition  you  describe,  I  suspect  Mansel  to  be 
at  the  bottom  of  the  whole.  His  visits  to  that  shrine  were  no 
secret ;  and  this  attachment,  added  to  some  good  offices,  which 
you  know  he  has  done  me  since  I  left  Alma  mater,  give  me  a 
right  to  believe  him  capable  of  saddling  me  with  this  scandal 
when  my  back  was  turned ;  nevertheless,  if  my  name  can  be  of 
any  service  to  him,  he  is  welcome  to  make  use  of  it,  and  if  the 
woman  should  be  abandoned  enough  to  swear  his  bantling  to 
me,  I  must  beg  the  favour  of  you  to  compound  with  the  parish ; 
I  shall  pay  the  penalty  without  repining,  and  you  will  be  so 
good  as  to  draw  upon  me  immediately  for  the  sum  required. 

On  this  occasion  I  act  by  the  advice  of  my  uncle,  who  says 
I  shall  have  good  luck  if  I  pass  through  life  without  being 
obliged  to  make  many  more  compositions  of  the  same  kind. 
The  old  gentleman  told  me  last  night,  with  great  good-humour, 
that,  betwixt  the  age  of  twenty  and  forty,  he  had  been  obliged  to 
provide  for  nine  bastards,  sworn  to  him  by  women  whom  he 
never  saw.  Mr.  Bramble's  character,  which  seems  to  interest 
you  greatly,  opens  and  improves  upon  me  every  day.  His 
singularities  afford  a  rich  mine  of  entertainment;  his  under- 
standing, so  far  as  I  can  judge,  is  well  cultivated;  his  obser- 
vations on  life  are  equally  just,  pertinent,  and  uncommon.  He 
affects  misanthropy,  in  order  to  conceal  the  sensibility  of  a 
heart  which  is  tender  even  to  a  degree  of  weakness.  This 
delicacy  of  feeling,  or  soreness  of  the  mind,  makes  him  timor- 

26 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

ous  and  fearful,  but  then  he  is  afraid  of  nothing  so  rnuch  as  of 
dishonour ;  and  although  he  is  exceedingly  cautious  of  giving 
offence,  he  will  fire  at  the  least  hint  of  insolence  or  ill-breeding. 
Respectable  as  he  is,  upon  the  whole,  I  can't  help  being  some- 
times diverted  by  his  little  distresses,  which  provoke  him  to  let 
fly  the  shafts  of  his  satire,  keen  and  penetrating  as  the  arrows 
of  Teucer.  Our  aunt  Tabitha  acts  upon  him  as  a  perpetual 
grindstone;  she  is,  in  all  respects,  a  striking  contrast  to  her 
brother ;  but  I  reserve  her  portrait  for  another  occasion. 

Three  days  ago  we  came  hither  from  the  Hot  Well,  and  took 
possession  of  the  first  floor  of  a  lodging-house  on  the  South 
Parade ;  a  situation  which  my  uncle  chose,  for  its  being  near 
the  bath,  and  remote  from  the  noise  of  carriages.  He  was 
scarce  warm  in  the  lodgings,  when  he  called  for  his  night-cap, 
his  wide  shoes  and  flannel,  and  declared  himself  invested  with 
the  gout  in  his  right  foot;  though,  I  believe,  it  had  as  yet 
reached  no  farther  than  his  imagination.  It  was  not  long  be- 
fore he  had  reason  to  repent  his  premature  declaration;  for 
our  aunt  Tabitha  found  means  to  make  such  a  clamour  and 
confusion,  before  the  flannels  could  be  produced  from  the 
trunk,  that  one  would  have  imagined  the  house  was  on  fire. 
All  this  time,  uncle  sat  boiling  with  impatience,  biting  his  fin- 
gers, throwing  up  his  eyes,  and  muttering  ejaculations;  at 
length  he  burst  into  a  kind  of  convulsive  laugh,  after  which  he 
hummed  a  song;  and,  when  the  hurricane  was  over,  ex- 
claimed, "  Blessed  be  God  for  all  things !  "  This,  however, 
was  but  the  beginning  of  his  troubles.  Mrs.  Tabitha's  fa- 
vourite dog  Chowder,  having  paid  his  compliments  to  a  female 
turnspit,  of  his  own  species,  in  the  kitchen,  involved  himself  in 
a  quarrel  with  no  fewer  than  five  rivals,  who  set  upon  him  at 
once,  and  drove  him  upstairs  to  the  dining-room  door,  with 
hideous  noise.  There  our  aunt  and  her  woman,  taking  arms 
in  his  defence,  joined  the  concert,  which  became  truly  dia- 
bolical. 

This  fray  being  with  difficulty  suppressed,  by  the  intervention 
of  our  own  footman  and  the  cook-maid  of  the  house,  the  squire 
had  just  opened  his  mouth  to  expostulate  with  Tabby,  when 
the  town  waits,  in  the  passage  below,  struck  up  their  music  (if 
music  it  may  be  called)  with  such  a  sudden  burst  of  sound,  as 
made  him  start  and  stare,  with  marks  of  indignation  and  dis- 

27 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

quiet.  He  had  recollection  enough  to  send  his  servant  with 
some  money,  to  silence  those  noisy  intruders;  and  they  were 
immediately  dismissed,  though  not  without  some  opposition 
on  the  part  of  Tabitha,  who  thought  it  but  reasonable  that  he 
should  have  more  music  for  his  money.  Scarce  had  he  settled 
this  knotty  point,  when  a  strange  kind  of  thumping  and  bounc- 
ing was  heard  right  overhead  in  the  second  storey,  so  loud  and 
violent  as  to  shake  the  whole  building.  I  own  I  was  exceed- 
ingly provoked  at  this  new  alarm ;  and,  before  my  uncle  had 
time  to  express  himself  on  the  subject,  I  ran  upstairs,  to  see 
what  was  the  matter.  Finding  the  room  door  open,  I  entered 
without  ceremony,  and  perceived  an  object,  which  I  cannot 
now  recollect  without  laughing  to  excess — it  was  a  dancing 
master,  with  his  scholar,  in  the  act  of  teaching.  The  master 
was  blind  of  one  eye,  and  lame  of  one  foot,  and  led  about  the 
room  his  pupil,  who  seemed  to  be  about  the  age  of  threescore, 
stooped  mortally,  was  tall,  raw-boned,  hard-favoured,  with  a 
woollen  night-cap  on  his  head;  and  he  had  stripped  off  his 
coat,  that  he  might  be  more  nimble  in  his  motions. 

Finding  himself  intruded  upon  by  a  person  he  did  not  know, 
he  forthwith  girded  himself  with  a  long  iron  sword,  and  ad- 
vancing to  me,  with  a  peremptory  air,  pronounced,  in  a  true 
Hibernian  accent,  "  Mister  What-d'ye-callum,  by  my  shoul  and 
conscience  I  am  very  glad  to  sea  you,  if  you  are  after  coming 
in  the  way  of  friendship ;  and  indeed,  and  indeed  now,  I  be- 
lieve you  are  my  friend  sure  enough,  gra ;  though  I  never  had 
the  honour  to  sea  your  face  before,  my  dear ;  for  because  you 
come  like  a  friend  without  any  ceremony  at  all,  at  all  " —  I 
told  him  the  nature  of  my  visit  would  not  admit  of  ceremony ; 
that  I  was  come  to  desire  he  would  make  less  noise,  as  there 
was  a  sick  gentleman  below,  whom  he  had  no  right  to  disturb 
with  such  preposterous  doings,  "  Why,  look  ye  now,  young 
gentleman,"  replied  this  original,  "  perhaps,  upon  another  oc- 
casion, I  might  shivilly  request  you  to  explain  the  maining  of 
that  hard  word  prepasterous :  but  there's  a  time  for  all  things, 
honey  " —  So  saying,  he  passed  me  with  great  agility,  and, 
running  downstairs,  found  our  footman  at  the  dining-room 
door,  of  whom  he  demanded  admittance,  to  pay  his  respects  to 
the  stranger.  As  the  fellow  did  not  think  proper  to  refuse  the 
request  of  such  a  formidable  figure,  he  was  immediately  intro- 

«8. 


HUMPHRY    CLINKERS 

duced,  and  addressed  himself  to  my  uncle  in  these  words: 
"  Your  humble  servant,  good  sir, — I  am  not  so  preposterous, 
as  your  son  calls  it,  but  I  know  the  rules  of  shivillity — I'm  a 
poor  knight  of  Ireland,  my  name  is  Sir  Ulic  Mackilligut,  of 
the  county  of  Galway ;  being  your  fellow-lodger,  I'm  come  to 
pay  my  respects,  and  to  welcome  you  to  the  South  Parade,  and 
to  offer  my  best  services  to  you,  and  your  good  lady,  and  your 
pretty  daughter ;  and  even  to  the  young  gentleman  your  son, 
though  he  thinks  me  a  prepasterous  fellow — you  must  know  I 
am  to  have  the  honour  to  open  a  ball,  next  door,  to-morrow, 
with  Lady  Macmanus;  and,  being  rusted  in  my  dancing,  I 
was  refreshing  my  memory  with  a  little  exercise ;  but  if  I  had 
known  there  was  a  sick  person  below,  by  Christ!  I  would 
sooner  have  danced  a  hornpipe  upon  my  own  head,  than  walk 
the  softest  minuet  over  yours." 

My  uncle,  who  was  not  a  little  startled  at  his  first  appear- 
ance, received  his  compliment  with  great  complacency,  insisted 
upon  his  being  seated,  thanked  him  for  the  honour  of  his  visit, 
and  reprimanded  me  for  my  abrupt  expostulation  with  a  gen- 
tleman of  his  rank  and  character.  Thus  tutored,  I  asked  par- 
don of  the  knight,  who,  forthwith  starting  up,  embraced  me  so 
close,  that  I  could  hardly  breathe ;  and  assured  me,  he  loved 
me  as  his  own  soul.  At  length,  recollecting  his  night-cap,  he 
pulled  it  oiT  in  some  confusion;  and,  with  his  bald  pate  un- 
covered, made  a  thousand  apologies  to  the  ladies  as  he  retired. 

At  this  instant,  the  Abbey  bells  began  to  ring  so  loud,  that 
we  could  not  hear  one  another  speak;  and  this  peal,  as  we 
afterwards  learned,  was  for  the  honour  of  Mr.  Bullock,  an 
eminent  cowkeeper  of  Tottenham,  who  had  just  arrived  at 
Bath,  to  drink  the  waters  for  indigestion.  Mr.  Bramble  had 
not  time  to  make  his  remarks  upon  the  agreeable  nature  of  this 
serenade,  before  his  ears  were  saluted  with  another  concert 
that  interested  him  more  nearly.  Two  negroes  that  belonged 
to  a  Creole  gentleman,  who  lodged  in  the  same  house,  taking 
their  station  at  a  window  in  the  staircase,  about  ten  feet  from 
our  dining-room  door,  began  to  practise  upon  the  French 
horn ;  and,  being  in  the  very  first  rudiments  of  execution,  pro- 
duced such  discordant  sounds,  as  might  have  discomposed  the 
organs  of  an  ass. — You  may  guess  what  effect  they  had  upon 
the  irritable  nerves  of  uncle;    who,  with  the  most  admirable 

29 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

expression  of  splenetic  surprise  in  his  countenance,  sent  his 
man  to  silence  those  dreadful  blasts,  and  desire  the  musicians 
to  practise  in  some  other  place,  as  they  had  no  right  to  stand 
there,  and  disturb  all  the  lodgers  in  the  house.  Those  sable 
performers,  far  from  taking  the  hint,  and  withdrawing,  treated 
the  messenger  with  great  insolence,  bidding  him  carry  his  com- 
pliments to  their  master  Colonel  Rig  worm,  who  would  give 
him  a  proper  answer,  and  a  good  drubbing  into  the  bargain. 
In  the  meantime  they  continued  their  noise,  and  even  en- 
deavoured to  make  it  more  disagreeable,  laughing  between 
whiles,  at  the  thoughts  of  being  able  to  torment  their  betters 
with  impunity.  Our  squire,  incensed  at  the  additional  insult, 
immediately  despatched  the  servant  with  his  compliments  to 
Colonel  Rigworm,  requesting  that  he  would  order  his  blacks 
to  be  quiet,  as  the  noise  they  made  was  altogether  intolerable. 
To  this  message  the  Creole  colonel  replied,  that  his  horns 
had  a  right  to  sound  on  a  common  staircase ;  that  there  they 
should  play  for  his  diversion ;  and  that  those  who  did  not  like 
the  noise  might  look  for  lodgings  elsewhere.  Mr.  Bramble  no 
sooner  received  this  reply,  than  his  eyes  began  to  glisten,  his 
face  grew  pale,  and  his  teeth  chattered.  After  a  moment's 
pause,  he  slipped  on  his  shoes  without  speaking  a  word,  or 
seeming  to  feel  any  farther  disturbance  from  the  gout  in  his 
toes.  Then  snatching  his  cane,  he  opened  the  door,  and  pro- 
ceeded to  the  place  where  the  black  trumpeters  were  posted. 
There,  without  farther  hesitation,  he  began  to  belabour  them 
both;  and  exerted  himself  with  such  astonishing  vigour  and 
agility,  that  both  their  heads  and  horns  were  broken  in  a 
twinkling,  and  they  ran  howling  downstairs  to  their  master's 
parlour  door.  The  squire,  following  them  half-way,  called 
aloud,  that  the  colonel  might  hear  him,  "  Go,  rascals,  and  tell 
your  master  what  I  have  done;  if  he  thinks  himself  injured, 
he  knows  where  to  come  for  satisfaction.  As  for  you,  this  is 
but  an  earnest  of  what  you  shall  receive,  if  ever  you  presume 
to  blow  a  horn  here  again,  while  I  stay  in  the  house."  So 
saying,  he  retired  to  his  apartment,  in  expectation  of  hearing 
from  the  West  Indian ;  but  the  colonel  prudently  declined  any 
farther  prosecution  of  the  dispute.  My  sister  Liddy  was 
frightened  into  a  fit,  from  which  she  no  sooner  recovered  than 
Mrs.   Tabitha  began  a  lecture  upon  patience;    which  her 

30 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

brother  interrupted  with  a  most  significant  grin,  exclaiming, 
"  True,  sister,  God  increase  my  patience  and  your  discretion. 
I  wonder,"  added  he,  "  what  sort  of  sonata  we  are  to  expect 
from  this  overture,  in  which  the  devil  that  presides  over  horrid 
sounds  hath  given  us  such  variations  of  discord. — ^The  tram- 
pling of  porters,  the  creaking  and  crashing  of  trunks,  the  snarl- 
ing of  curs,  the  scolding  of  women,  the  squeaking  and 
squalling  of  fiddles  and  hautboys  out  of  tune,  the  bouncing  of 
the  Irish  baronet  overhead,  and  the  bursting,  belching,  and 
brattling  ofv  the  French  horns  in  the  passage,  (not  to  mention 
the  harmonious  peal  that  still  thunders  from  the  Abbey 
steeple,)  succeeding  one  another  without  interruption,  like  the 
different  parts  of  the  same  concert,  have  given  me  such  an 
idea  of  what  a  poor  invalid  has  to  expect  in  this  temple,  dedi- 
cated to  silence  and  repose,  that  I  shall  certainly  shift  my 
quarters  to-morrow,  and  endeavour  to  effectuate  my  retreat 
before  Sir  Ulic  opens  the  ball  with  my  Lady  Macmanus,  a 
conjunction  that  bodes  me  no  good." 

This  intimation  was  by  no  means  agreeable  to  Mrs.  Tabitha, 
whose  ears  were  not  quite  so  delicate  as  those  of  her  brother. 
She  said  it  would  be  great  folly  to  move  from  such  agreeable 
lodgings,  the  moment  they  were  comfortably  settled.  She 
wondered  he  should  be  such  an  enemy  to  music  and  mirth. 
She  heard  no  noise  but  of  his  own  making.  It  was  impossible 
to  manage  a  family  in  dumb  show.  He  might  harp  as  long  as 
he  pleased  upon  her  scolding;  but  she  never  scolded  except 
for  his  advantage ;  but  he  would  never  be  satisfied,  even  tho'f 
she  sweat  blood  and  water  in  his  service.  I  have  a  great  no- 
tion that  our  aunt,  who  is  now  declining  into  the  most  desper- 
ate state  of  celibacy,  had  formed  some  design  upon  the  heart 
of  Sir  Ulic  Mackilligut,  which  she  feared  might  be  frustrated 
by  our  abrupt  departure  from  these  lodgings.  Her  brother, 
eyeing  her  askance,  "  Pardon  me,  sister,"  said  he,  "  I  should 
be  a  savage,  indeed,  were  I  insensible  of  my  own  felicity,  in 
having  such  a  mild,  complaisant,  good-humoured,  and  consid- 
erate companion  and  housekeeper;  but  as  I  have  got  a  weak 
head,  and  my  sense  of  hearing  is  painfully  acute,  before  I  have 
recourse  to  plugs  of  wool  and  cotton,  I'll  try  whether  I  can't 
find  another  lodging,  where  I  shall  have  more  quiet  and  less 
music."     He  accordingly  despatched  his  man  upon  this  serv- 

V 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

ice ;  and  next  day  he  found  a  small  house  in  Milsham  Street, 
which  he  hires  by  the  week.  Here  at  least  we  enjoy  conveni- 
ence and  quiet  within  doors,  as  much  as  Tabby's  temper  will 
allow;  but  the  squire  still  complains  of  flying  pains  in  the 
stomach  and  head,  for  which  he  bathes  and  drinks  the  waters. 
He  is  not  so  bad,  however,  but  that  he  goes  in  person  to  the 
pump,  the  rooms,  and  the  coffee-houses,  where  he  picks  up 
continual  food  for  ridicule  and  satire.  If  I  can  glean  anything 
for  your  amusement,  either  from  his  observation  or  my  own, 
you  shall  have  it  freely,  though  I  am  afraid  it  will  poorly  com- 
pensate the  trouble  of  reading  these  tedious  insipid  letters  of, 
Dear  Phillips,  yours  always,  J.  Melford. 

Bathj  April  24. 

To  Dr.  Lewis. 

Dear  Doctor, — If  I  did  not  know  that  the  exercise  of 
your  profession  has  habituated  you  to  the  hearing  of  com- 
plaints, I  should  make  a  conscience  of  troubling  you  with  my 
correspondence,  which  may  be  truly  called  the  lamentations  of 
Matthew  Bramble.  Yet  I  cannot  help  thinking  I  have  some 
right  to  discharge  the  overflowings  of  my  spleen  upon  you, 
whose  province  it  is  to  remove  those  disorders  that  occasioned 
it;  and  let  me  tell  you,  it  is  no  small  alleviation  of  my  griev- 
ances, that  I  have  a  sensible  friend,  to  whom  I  can  communi- 
cate my  crusty  humours,  which,  by  retention,  would  grow  in- 
tolerably acrimonious. 

You  must  know,  I  find  nothing  but  disappointment  at  Bath, 
which  is  so  altered,  that  I  can  scarce  believe  it  is  the  same  place 
that  I  frequented  about  thirty  years  ago.  Methinks  I  hear 
you  say,  "  Altered  it  is,  without  all  doubt ;  but  then  it  is  altered 
for  the  better ;  a  truth,  which,  perhaps,  you  would  own  with- 
out hesitation,  if  you  yourself  was  not  altered  for  the  worse." 
The  reflection  may,  for  aught  I  know,  be  just.  The  incon- 
veniences which  I  overlooked  in  the  heyday  of  health,  will  nat- 
urally strike  with  exaggerated  impression  on  the  irritable 
nerves  of  an  invalid,  surprised  by  premature  old  age,  and  shat- 
tered with  long  suffering. — But,  I  believe,  you  will  not  deny 
that  this  place,  which  nature  and  providence  seem  to  have  in- 
tended as  a  resource  from  distemper  and  disquiet,  is  become 

22 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

the  very  centre  of  racket  and  dissipation.  Instead  of  that 
peace,  tranquillity,  and  ease,  so  necessary  to  those  who  labour 
under  bad  health,  weak  nerves,  and  irregular  spirits ;  here  we 
have  nothing  but  noise,  tumult,  and  hurry,  with  the  fatigue 
and  slavery  of  maintaining  a  ceremonial,  more  stifT,  formal, 
and  oppressive,  than  the  etiquette  of  a  German  elector.  A 
national  hospital  it  may  be ;  but  one  would  imagine,  that  none 
but  lunatics  are  admitted ;  and,  truly,  I  will  give  you  leave  to 
call  me  so,  if  I  stay  much  longer  at  Bath.  But  I  shall  take 
another  opportunity  to  explain  my  sentiments  at  greater  length 
on  this  subject. 

I  was  impatient  to  see  the  boasted  improvements  in  archi- 
tecture, for  which  the  upper  parts  of  the  town  have  been  so 
much  celebrated,  and  t'other  day  I  made  a  circuit  of  all  the 
new  buildings.  The  Square,  though  irregular,  is,  on  the 
whole,  pretty  well  laid  out,  spacious,  open,  and  airy;  and,  in 
my  opinion,  by  far  the  most  wholesome  and  agreeable  situa- 
tion in  Bath,  especially  the  upper  side  of  it ;  but  the  avenues  to 
it  are  mean,  dirty,  dangerous,  and  indirect.  Its  communica- 
tion with  the  baths  is  through  the  yard  of  an  inn,  where  the 
poor  trembling  valetudinarian  is  carried  in  a  chair,  betwixt  the 
heels  of  a  double  row  of  horses,  wincing  under  the  curry- 
combs of  grooms  and  postillions,  over  and  above  the  hazard 
of  being  obstructed,  or  overturned  by  the  carriages  which  are 
continually  making  their  exit  or  their  entrance.  I  suppose, 
after  some  chairmen  shall  have  been  maimed,  and  a  few  lives 
lost  by  those  accidents,  the  corporation  will  think,  in  earnest, 
about  providing  a  more  safe  and  commodious  passage. 

The  Circus  is  a  pretty  bauble;  contrived  for  show,  and 
looks  like  Vespasian's  amphitheatre,  turned  outside  in.  If  we 
consider  it  in  point  of  magnificence,  the  great  number  of  small 
doors  belonging  to  the  separate  houses,  the  inconsiderable 
height  of  the  different  orders,  the  affected  ornaments  of  the 
architrave,  which  are  both  childish  and  misplaced,  and  the 
areas  projecting  into  the  street,  surrounded  with  iron  rails, 
destroy  a  good  part  of  its  effect  upon  the  eye;  and  perhaps 
we  shall  find  it  still  more  defective,  if  we  view  it  in  the  light 
of  convenience.  The  figure  of  each  separate  dwelling-house, 
being  the  segment  of  a  circle,  must  spoil  the  symmetry  of  the 
rooms,  by  contracting  them  towards  the  street  windows,  and 

•  33 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

leaving  a  larger  sweep  in  the  space  behind.  If,  instead  of  the 
areas  and  iron  rails,  which  seem  to  be  of  very  little  use,  there 
had  been  a  corridor  with  arcades  all  around,  as  in  Covent  Gar- 
den, the  appearance  of  the  whole  would  have  been  more  mag- 
nificent and  striking;  those  arcades  would  have  afforded  an 
agreeable  covered  walk,  and  sheltered  the  poor  chairmen  and 
their  carriages  from  the  rain,  which  is  here  almost  perpetual. 
At  present,  the  chairs  stand  soaking  In  the  open  street,  from 
morning  to  night,  till  they  become  so  many  boxes  of  wet 
leather,  for  the  benefit  of  the  gouty  and  rheumatic,  who  are 
transported  in  them  from  place  to  place.  Indeed,  this  is  a 
shocking  inconvenience  that  extends  over  the  whole  city ;  and 
I  am  persuaded  it  produces  infinite  mischief  to  the  delicate  and 
infirm.  Even  the  close  chairs,  contrived  for  the  sick,  by  stand- 
ing in  the  open  air,  have  their  frieze  linings  impregnated,  like 
so  many  sponges,  with  the  moisture  of  the  atmosphere;  and 
those  cases  of  cold  vapour  must  give  a  charming  check  to  the 
perspiration  of  a  patient,  piping  hot  from  the  bath,  with  all  his 
pores  wide  open. 

But,  to  return  to  the  Circus.  It  is  inconvenient  from  its 
situation,  at  so  great  a  distance  from  all  the  markets,  baths, 
and  places  of  public  entertainment.  The  only  entrance  to  it, 
through  Gay  Street,  is  so  difficult,  steep,  and  slippery,  that,  in 
wet  weather,  it  must  be  exceedingly  dangerous,  both  for  those 
that  ride  in  carriages,  and  those  that  walk  afoot;  and  when 
the  street  is  covered  with  snow,  as  it  was  for  fifteen  days  suc- 
cessively this  very  winter,  I  don't  see  how  any  individual  could 
go  either  up  or  down,  without  the  most  imminent  hazard  of 
broken  bones.  In  blowing  weather,  I  am  told,  most  of  the 
houses  on  this  hill  are  smothered  with  smoke,  forced  down  the 
chimneys  by  the  gusts  of  wind  reverberated  from  the  hill  be- 
hind, which,  I  apprehend  likewise,  must  render  the  atmosphere 
here  more  humid  and  unwholesome  than  it  is  in  the  Square 
below;  for  the  clouds  formed  by  the  constant  evaporation 
from  the  baths  and  rivers  in  the  bottom,  will,  in  their  ascent 
this  way,  be  first  attracted  and  detained  by  the  hill  that  rises 
close  behind  the  Circus,  and  load  the  air  with  a  perpetual  suc- 
cession of  vapours.  This  point,  however,  may  be  easily  ascer- 
tained by  means  of  an  hygrometer,  or  a  paper  of  salt  of  tartar 
exposed  to  the  action  of  the  atmosphere.     The  same  artist  who 

34 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

planned  the  Circus  has  likewise  projected  a  Crescent;  when 
that  is  finished,  we  shall  probably  have  a  Star ;  and  those  who 
are  living  thirty  years  hence,  may,  perhaps,  see  all  the  signs  of 
the  zodiac  exhibited  in  architecture  at  Bath. 

These,  however  fantastical,  are  still  designs  that  denote 
some  ingenuity  and  knowledge  in  the  architect ;  but  the  rage 
of  building  has  laid  hold  on  such  a  number  of  adventurers,  that 
one  sees  new  houses  starting  up  in  every  outlet  and  every  cor- 
ner of  Bath;  contrived  without  judgment,  executed  without 
solidity,  and  stuck  together  with  so  little  regard  to  plan  and 
propriety,  that  the  different  lines  of  the  new  rows  and  buildings 
interfere  with,  and  intersect  one  another  in  every  different 
angle  of  conjunction.  They  look  like  the  wreck  of  streets  and 
squares  disjointed  by  an  earthquake,  which  hath  broken  the 
ground  into  a  variety  of  holes  and  hillocks;  or,  as  if  some 
Gothic  devil  had  stuffed  them  all  together  in  a  bag,  and  left 
them  to  stand  higgledy-piggledy,  just  as  chance  directed. 
What  sort  of  a  monster  Bath  will  become  in  a  few  years,  with 
those  growing  excrescences,  may  be  easily  conceived.  But 
the  want  of  beauty  and  proportion  is  not  the  worst  effect  of 
these  new  mansions;  they  are  built  so  slight,  with  the  soft 
crumbling  stone  found  in  this  neighborhood,  that  I  should 
never  sleep  quietly  in  one  of  them,  when  it  blowed,  as  the  sail- 
ors say,  a  capfull  of  wind ;  and  I  am  persuaded,  that  my  hind, 
Roger  Williams,  or  any  man  of  equal  strength,  would  be  able 
to  push  his  foot  through  the  strongest  part  of  their  walls,  with- 
out any  great  exertion  of  his  muscles. 

All  these  absurdities  arise  from  the  general  tide  of  luxury, 
which  hath  overspread  the  nation,  and  swept  away  all,  even  the 
very  dregs  of  the  people.  Every  upstart  of  fortune,  harnessed 
in  the  trappings  of  the  mode,  presents  himself  at  Bath,  as  in  the 
very  focus  of  observation. — Clerks  and  factors  from  the  East 
Indies,  loaded  with  the  spoil  of  plundered  provinces ;  planters, 
negro-drivers,  and  hucksters,  from  our  American  plantations, 
enriched  they  know  not  how ;  agents,  commissaries,  and  con- 
tractors, who  have  fattened,  in  two  successive  wars,  on  the 
blood  of  the  nation;  usurers,  brokers,  and  jobbers  of  every 
kind ;  men  of  low  birth,  and  no  breeding,  have  found  them- 
selves suddenly  translated  into  a  state  of  affluence,  unknown 
to  former  ages ;  and  no  wonder  that  their  brains  should  be  in- 

35 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

toxicated  with  pride,  vanity,  and  presumption.  Knowing  no 
other  criterion  of  greatness,  but  the  ostentation  of  wealth,  they 
discharge  their  affluence  without  taste  or  conduct,  through 
every  channel  of  the  most  absurd  extravagance;  and  all  of 
them  hurry  to  Bath,  because  here,  without  any  farther  qualifi- 
cation, they  can  mingle  with  the  princes  and  nobles  of  the  land. 
Even  the  wives  and  daughters  of  low  tradesmen,  who,  like 
shovel-nosed  sharks,  prey  upon  the  blubber  of  those  uncouth 
whales  of  fortune,  are  infected  with  the  same  rage  of  display- 
ing their  importance ;  and  the  slightest  indisposition  serves 
them  for  a  pretext  to  insist  upon  being  conveyed  to  Bath, 
where  they  may  hobble  country  dances  and  cotillions  among 
lordlings,  squires,  counsellors,  and  clergy.  These  deUcate 
creatures  from  Bedfordbury,  Butcher  Row,  Crutched  Friars, 
.  and  Botolph  Lane,  cannot  breathe  in  the  gross  air  of  the  lower 
town,  or  conform  to  the  vulgar  rules  of  a  common  lodging- 
house  ;  the  husband,  therefore,  must  provide  an  entire  house, 
or  elegant  apartments  in  the  new  buildings.  Such  is  the  com- 
position of  what  is  called  the  fashionable  company  at  Bath; 
where  a  very  inconsiderable  proportion  of  genteel  people  are 
lost  in  a  mob  of  impudent  plebeians,  who  have  neither  under- 
standing nor  judgment,  nor  the  least  idea  of  propriety  and 
decorum ;  and  seem  to  enjoy  nothing  so  much  as  an  oppor- 
tunity of  insulting  their  betters. 

Thus  tfie  number  of  people  and  the  number  of  houses  con- 
tinue to  increase ;  and  this  will  ever  be  the  case  till  the  streams 
that  swell  this  irresistible  torrent  of  folly  and  extravagance 
shall  either  be  exhausted,  or  turned  into  other  channels,  by  in- 
cidents and  events  which  I  do  not  pretend  to  foresee.  This,  I 
own,  is  a  subject  on  which  I  cannot  write  with  any  degree  of 
patience;  for  the  mob  is  a  monster  I  never  could  abide, 
either  in  its  head,  tail,  midriff,  or  members.  I  detest  the 
whole  of  it,  as  a  mass  of  ignorance,  presumption,  malice,  aiid 
brutality ;  and,  in  this  term  of  reprobation,  I  include,  without 
respect  of  rank,  station,  or  quality,  all  those  of  both  sexes  who 
affect  its  manners,  and  court  its  society. 

But  I  have  written  till  my  fingers  are  cramped;  and  my 
nausea  begins  to  return.  By  your  advice,  I  sent  to  London  a 
few  days  ago  for  half  a  pound  of  gengzeng ;  though  I  doubt 
much  whether  that  which  comes  from  America  is  equally  effi- 

36 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

cacious  with  what  is  brought  from  the  East  Indies.  Some 
years  ago,  a  friend  of  mine  paid  sixteen  guineas  for  two  ounces 
of  it ;  and,  in  six  months  after,  it  was  sold  in  the  same  shop 
for  five  shillings  the  pound.  In  short,  we  live  in  a  vile  world 
of  fraud  and  sophistication ;  so  that  I  know  nothing  of  equal 
value  with  the  genuine  friendship  of  a  sensible  man ;  a  rare 
jewel !  which  I  cannot  help  thinking  myself  in  possession  of, 
while  I  repeat  the  old  declaration,  that  I  am,  as  usual,  dear 
Lewis,  Your  affectionate 

Bath,  April  23.  M.  Bramble. 

After  having  been  agitated  in  a  short  hurricane,  on  my  first 
arrival,  I  have  taken  a  small  house  in  Milsham  Street,  where  I 
am  tolerably  well  lodged  for  five  guineas  a  week.  I  was  yes- 
terday at  the  pump-room,  and  drank  about  a  pint  of  the  water, 
which  seems  to  agree  with  my  stomach ;  and  to-morrow  morn- 
ing I  shall  bathe  for  the  first  time ;  so  that,  in  a  few  posts,  you 
may  expect  farther  trouble.  Meanwhile,  I  am  glad  to  find 
that  the  inoculation  has  succeeded  so  well  with  poor  Joyce,  and 
that  her  face  will  be  but  little  marked.  If  my  friend  Sir 
Thomas  was  a  single  man,  I  would  not  trust  such  a  handsome 
wench  in  his  family ;  but  as  I  have  recommended  her,  in  a  par- 
ticular manner,  to  the  protection  of  Lady  G ,  who  is  one  of 

the  best  women  in  the  world,  she  may  go  thither  without  hesi- 
tation, as  soon  as  she  is  quite,  recovered,  and  fit  for  service. 
Let  her  mother  have  money  to  provide  her  with  necessaries, 
and  she  may  ride  behind  her  brother  on  Bucks ;  but  you  must 
lay  strong  injunctions  on  Jack,  to  take  particular  care  of  the 
trusty  old  veteran,  who  has  faithfully  earned  his  present  ease 
by  his  past  services. 


To  Miss  Willis,  at  Gloucester. 

My  dearest  Companion, — The  pleasure  I  received  from 
yours,  which  came  to  hand  yesterday,  is  not  to  be  expressed. 
Love  and  friendship  are,  without  doubt,  charming  passions ; 
wMch  absence  serves  only  to  heighten  and  improve.  Your 
kind  present  of  the  garnet  bracelets  I  shall  keep  as  carefully  as 
I  preserve  my  own  life ;  and  I  beg  you  will  accept,  in  return, 
of  my  heart-housewife,  with  the  tortoise-shell  memorandum- 
book,  as  a  trifling  pledge  of  my  unalterable  affection. 

37 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

Bath  is  to  me  a  new  world.  All  is  gaiety,  good  humour, 
and  diversion.  The  eye  is  continually  entertained  with  the 
splendour  of  dress  and  equipage,  and  the  ear  with  the  sound  of 
coaches,  chaises,  chairs,  and  other  carriages.  The  merry  bells 
ring  round,  from  morn  till  night.  Then  we  are  welcomed  by 
the  city  waits  in  our  own  lodgings.  We  have  music  in  the 
pump-room  every  morning,  cotillions  every  forenoon  in  the 
looms,  balls  twice  a  week,  and  concerts  every  other  night,  be- 
sides private  assemblies,  and  parties  without  number.  As 
soon  as  we  were  settled  in  lodgings,  we  were  visited  by  the 
master  of  the  ceremonies ;  a  pretty  little  gentleman,  so  sweet, 
so  fine,  so  civil,  and  polite,  that  in  our  country  he  might  pass 
for  the  Prince  of  Wales ;  then  he  talks  so  charmingly,  both  in 
verse  and  prose,  that  you  would  be  delighted  to  hear  him  dis- 
course ;  for  you  must  know  he  is  a  great  writer,  and  has  got 
five  tragedies  ready  for  the  stage.  He  did  us  the  favour  to 
dine  with  us,  by  my  uncle's  invitation ;  and  next  day  squired 
my  aunt  and  me  to  every  part  of  Bath,  which  to  be  sure  is  an 
earthly  paradise.  The  Square,  the  Circus,  and  the  Parades, 
put  you  in  mind  of  the  sumptuous  palaces,  represented  in 
prints  and  pictures;  and  the  new  buildings,  such  as  Prince's 
Row,  Harlequin's  Row,  Bladud's  Row,  and  twenty  other  rows, 
look  like  so  many  enchanted  castles,  raised  on  hanging  ter- 
races. 

At  eight  in  the  morning  we  go  in  dishabille  to  the  pump- 
room,  which  is  crowded  like  a  Welsh  fair ;  and  there  you  see 
the  highest  quality  and  the  lowest  tradesfolks,  jostling  each 
other,  without  ceremony,  hail,  fellow,  well  met.  The  noise  of 
the  music  playing  in  the  gallery,  the  heat  and  flavour  of  such 
a  crowd,  and  the  hum'  and  buzz  of  their  conversation,  gave  me 
the  headache  and  vertigo  the  first  day;  but,  afterwards,  all 
these  things  became  familiar,  and  even  agreeable. — Right 
under  the  pump-room  windows  is  the  King's  Bath;  a  huge 
cistern,  where  you  see  the  patients  up  to  their  necks  in  hot 
water.  The  ladies  wear  jackets  and  petticoats  of  brown  linen, 
with  chip  hats,  in  which  they  fix  their  handkerchiefs  to  wipe 
the  sweat  from  their  faces ;  but,  truly,  whether  it  is  owing  to 
the  steam  that  surrounds  them,  or  the  heat  of  the  water,  or 
the  nature  of  the  dress,  or  to  all  these  causes  together,  they 
look  so  flushed,  and  so  frightful,  that  I  always  turn  my  eyes 

38 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

another  way. — My  aunt,  who  says  every  person  of  fashion 
should  make  her  appearance  in  the  bath,  as  well  as  in  the 
Abbey  Church,  contrived  a  cap  with  cherry-coloured  ribbons  to 
suit  her  complexion,  and  obliged  Win  to  attend  her  yesterday 
morning  in  the  water.  But,  really,  her  eyes  were  so  red,  that 
they  made  mine  water  as  I  viewed  her  from  the  pump-room; 
and  as  for  poor  Win,  who  wore  a  hat  trimmed  with  blue,  what 
betwixt  her  wan  complexion  and  her  fear,  she  looked  like  the 
ghost  of  some  pale  maiden,  who  had  drowned  herself  for  love. 
When  she  came  out  of  the  bath,  she  took  assafcEtida  drops, 
and  was  fluttered  all  day,  so  that  we  could  hardly  keep  her 
from  going  into  hysterics.  But  her  mistress  says  it  will  do 
her  good,  and  poor  Win  curtsies,  with  the  tears  in  her  eyes. 
For  my  part,  I  content  myself  with  drinking  about  half  a  pint 
of  the  water  every  morning. 

The  pumper,  with  his  wife  and  servant,  attend  in  a  bar; 
and  the  glasses,  of  different  sizes,  stand  ranged  in  order  before 
them,  so  you  have  nothing  to  do  but  to  point  at  that  which  you 
choose,  and  it  is  filled  immediately,  hot  and  sparkling  from  the 
pump.  It  is  the  only  hot  water  I  could  ever  drink  without 
being  sick. — Far  from  having  that  effect,  it  is  rather  agreeable 
to  the  taste,  grateful  to  the  stomach,  and  reviving  to  the  spirits. 
You  cannot  imagine  what  wonderful  cures  it  performs. — My 
uncle  began  with  it  the  other  day;  but  he  made  wry  faces  in 
drinking,  and  I  am  afraid  he  will  leave  it  off. — The  first  day 
we  came  to  Bath  he  fell  into  a  violent  passion,  beat  two  black- 
a-moors,  and  I  was  afraid  he  would  have  fought  with  their 
master ;  but  the  stranger  proved  a  peaceable  man.  To  be  sure, 
the  gout  had  got  into  his  head,  as  my  aunt  observed;  but,  I 
believe,  his  passion  drove  it  away,  for  he  has  been  remarkably 
well  ever  since.  It  is  a  thousand  pities  he  should  ever  be 
troubled  with  that  ugly  distemper ;  for,  when  he  is  free  from 
pain,  he  is  the  best  tempered  man  upon  earth;  so  gentle,  so 
generous,  so  charitable,  that  everybody  loves  him;  and  so 
good  to  me,  in  particular,  that  I  shall  never  be  able  to  show  the 
deep  sense  I  have  of  his  tenderness  and  affection. 

Hard  by  the  pump-room  is  a  coffee-house  for  the  ladies; 
but  my  aunt  says,  young  girls  are  not  admitted,  inasmuch  as 
the  conversation  turns  upon  politics,  scandal,  philosophy,  and 
other  subjects  above  our  capacity;  but  we  are  allowed  to 

39 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

accompany  them  to  the  booksellers'  shops,  which  are  charm- 
ing places  of  resort,  where  we  read  novels,  plays,  pamphlets, 
and  newspapers,  for  so  small  a  subscription  as  a  crown  a  quar- 
ter, and  in  these  offices  of  intelligence  (as  brother  calls  them) 
all  the  reports  of  the  day,  and  all  the  private  transactions  of  the 
bath,  are  first  entered  and  discussed.  From  the  bookseller's 
shop  we  make  a  tour  through  the  milliners  and  toymen,  and 
commonly  stop  at  Mr.  Gill's,  the  pastry-cook,  to  take  a  jelly, 
a  tart,  or  a  small  bason  of  vermicelli.  There  is,  moreover, 
another  place  of  entertainment  on  the  other  side  of  the  water, 
opposite  to  the  Grove,  to  which  the  company  cross  over  in  a 
boat. — It  is  called  Spring  Gardens ;  a  sweet  retreat,  laid  out  in 
walks,  and  ponds,  and  parterres  of  flowers ;  and  there  is  a  long 
room  for  breakfasting  and  dancing.  As  the  situation  is  low 
and  damp,  and  the  season  has  been  remarkably  wet,  my  uncle 
won't  suflfer  me  to  go  thither,  lest  I  should  catch  cold.  But 
my  aunt  says  it  is  all  a  vulgar  prejudice;  and,  to  be  sure,  a 
great  many  gentlemen  and  ladies  of  Ireland  frequent  the  place, 
without  seeming  to  be  the  worse  for  it.  They  say,  dancing  at 
Spring  Gardens,  when  the  air  is  moist,  is  recommended  to 
them  as  an  excellent  cure  for  the  rheumatism.  I  have  been 
twice  at  the  play,  where,  notwithstanding  the  excellence  of  the 
performers,  the  gaiety  of  the  company,  and  the  decorations  of 
the  theatre,  which  are  very  fine,  I  could  not  help  reflecting, 
with  a  sigh,  upon  our  poor  homely  representations  at  Glouces- 
ter.— But  this  in  confidence  to  my  dear  Willis. — You  know  my 
heart,  and  will  excuse  its  weakness. 

After  all,  the  great  scenes  of  entertainment  at  Bath  are  the 
two  public  rooms,  where  the  company  meet  alternately  every 
evening. — They  are  spacious,  lofty,  and,  when  lighted  up,  ap- 
pear very  striking.  They  are  generally  crowded  with  well- 
dressed  people,  who  drink  tea  in  separate  parties,  play  at  cards, 
walk,  or  sit  and  chat  together,  just  as  they  are  disposed. 
Twice  a  week  there  is  a  ball,  the  expense  of  which  is  defrayed 
by  a  voluntary  subscription  among  the  gentlemen ;  and  every 
subscriber  has  three  tickets.  I  was  there  Friday  last  with  my 
aunt,  under  the  care  of  my  brother,  who  is  a  subscriber ;  and 
Sir  Ulic  Mackilligut  recommended  his  nephew.  Captain 
O'Donaghan,  to  me  as  a  partner ;  but  Jerry  excused  himself, 
by  saying  I  had  got  the  headache ;  and  indeed  it  was  really  so, 

40 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

though  I  can't  imagine  how  he  knew  it.  The  place  was  so  hot, 
and  the  smell  so  different  from  what  we  are  used  to  in  the 
country,  that  I  was  quite  feverish  when  we  came  away.  Aunt 
says  it  is  the  effect  of  a  vulgar  constitution,  reared  among 
woods  and  mountains ;  and  that,  as  I  become  more  accustomed 
to  genteel  company,  it  will  wear  off. — Sir  Ulic  was  very  com- 
plaisant, made  her  a  great  many  high-flown  compliments,  and, 
when  we  retired,  handed  her  with  great  ceremony  to  her  chair. 
The  captain,  I  believe,  would  have  done  me  the  same  favour ; 
but  my  brother,  seeing  him  advance,  took  me  under  his  arm, 
and  wished  him  good-night.  The  captain  is  a  pretty  man,  to 
be  sure ;  tall  and  straight,  and  well  made,  with  light  grey  eyes, 
and  a  Roman  nose ;  but  there  is  a  certain  boldness  in  his  look 
and  manner  that  puts  one  out  of  countenance. — But  I  am 
afraid  I  have  put  you  out  of  all  patience  with  this  long  uncon- 
nected scrawl ;  which  I  shall  therefore  conclude,  with  assuring 
you,  that  neither  Bath,  nor  London,  nor  all  the  diversions  of 
life,  shall  ever  be  able  to  efface  the  idea  of  my  dear  Letty,  from 
the  heart  of  her  ever  affectionate  Lydia  Melford. 

Bath,  April  26. 


To  Mrs.  Mary  Jones,  at  Bramhleton. 

Dear  Molly  Jones, — Heaving  got  a  frank,  I  now  return 
your  fever,  which  I  received  by  Mr.  Higgins  at  the  Hot  Well, 
together  with  the  stockings  which  his  wife  footed  for  me ;  but 
now  they  are  of  no  survice.  Nobody  wears  such  things  in  this 
place. — O  Molly !  you  that  live  in  the  country  have  no  decep- 
tion of  our  doings  at  Bath.  Here  is  such  dressing,  and  fid- 
dling, and  dancing,  and  gadding,  and  courting,  and  plotting — 
O  gracious !  If  God  had  not  given  me  a  good  stock  of  dis- 
cretion, what  a  power  of  things  might  not  I  reveal,  consaming 
old  mistress  and  young  mistress ;  Jews  with  beards  that  were 
no  Jews,  but  handsome  Christians,  without  a  hair  upon  their 
sin,  strolling  with  spectacles,  to  get  speech  of  Miss  Liddy. 
But  she's  a  dear  sweet  soul,  as  innocent  as  the  child  unbbm. 
She  has  tould  me  all  her  inward  thoughts,  and  disclosed  her 
passion  for  Mr.  Wilson ;  and  that's  not  his  name  neither ;  and 
thof  he  acted  among  the  player-men,  he  is  meat  for  their  mas- 
ters;  and  she  has  gi'en  me  her  yellow  trolopea,  which  Mrs. 

41 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

Drab,  the  manty-maker,  says  will  look  very  well  when  it  is 
scowred  and  smoaked  with  silfur — You  knows  as  how  y allow 
fitts  my  fizzogmony.  *God  he  knows  what  havoc  I  shall 
make  among  the  mail  sex,  when  I  make  my  first  appearance  in 
this  killing  collar,  with  a  full  suit  of  gaze,  as  good  as  new, 
that  I  bought  last  Friday,  of  Madam  Friponeau,  the  French 
mullaner. 

Dear  girl,  I  have  seen  all  the  fine  shows  of  Bath ;  the  Prades, 
the  Squires,  and  the  Circlis,  the  Crashit,  the  Hottogon,  and 
Bloody  Buildings,  and  Harry  King's  Row;  and  I  have  been 
twice  in  the  bath  with  mistress,  and  na'r  a  smoak  upon  our 
backs,  hussy. — The  first  time  I  was  mortally  afraid,  and 
flustered  all  day,  and  afterwards  made  believe  that  I  had  got 
the  heddick ;  but  mistress  said,  if  I  didn't  go,  I  should  take  a 
dose  of  bum-taflFy ;  and  so  remembering  how  it  worked  Mrs. 
Gwyllim  a  penn'orth,  I  chose  rather  to  go  again  with  her  into 
the  bath,  and  then  I  met  with  an  axident.  I  dropt  my  petti- 
coat, and  could  not  get  it  up  from  the  bottom — but  what  did 
that  signify? — they  mought  laff,  but  they  could  see  nothing; 
for  I  was  up  to  the  sin  in  water.  To  be  sure,  it  threw  me  into 
such  a  gumbustion,  that  I  know  not  what  I  said,  nor  what  I 
did,  nor  how  they  got  me  out,  and  rapt  me  in  a  blanket — Mrs. 
Tabitha  scoulded  a  little  when  we  got  home;  but  she  knows 
as  how  I  know  what's  what. — Ah,  Laud  help  you ! — There  is 
Sir  Yuri  Micligut,  of  Balnaclinch,  in  the  cunty  of  Kalloway — 
I  took  down  the  name  from  his  gentleman,  Mr.  O  Frizzle,  and 
he  has  got  an  estate  of  fifteen  hundred  a  year — I  am  sure  he  is 
both  rich  and  generous. — But  you  nose,  Molly,  I  was  always 
famous  for  keeping  secrets ;  and  so  he  was  very  safe  in  trust- 
ing me  with  his  flegm  for  mistress,  which,  to  be  sure,  is  very 
honourable;  for  Mr.  O  Frizzle  assures  me  he  values  not  her 
portion  a  brass  farthing — And,  indeed,  what's  poor  ten  thou- 
sand pounds  to  a  Baron  Knight  of  his  fortune?  and,  truly,  I 
told  Mr.  O  Frizzle  that  was  all  that  she  had  to  trust  to. — ^As 
for  John  Thomas,  he's  a  morass  fellor — I  vow  I  thought  he 
would  a  fit  with  Mr.  O  Frizzle,  because  he  axed  me  to  dance 
with  him  at  Spring  Garden — But  God  he  knows  I  have  no 
thoughts  eyther  of  wan  or  t'other. 

As  for  house  news,  the  worst  is,  Chowder  has  fallen  off 
greatly  from  his  stomick — He  eats  nothing  but  white  meats, 

42 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

and  not  much  of  that;  and  wheezes  and  seems  to  be  much 
bloated.  The  doctors  think  he  is  threatened  with  a  dropsy — 
Parson  Marrowfat,  who  has  got  the  same  disorder,  finds  great 
benefit  from  the  waters ;  but  Chowder  seems  to  Uke  them  no 
better  than  the  squire ;  and  mistress  says  if  his  case  don't  take 
a  favourable  turn,  she  will  sartainly  carry  him  to  Aberga'nny 
to  drink  goats'  whey — To  be  sure  the  poor  dear  honimil  is  lost 
for  want  of  axercise ;  for  which  reason  she  intends  to  give  him 
an  airing  once  a  day  upon  the  Downs,  in  a  post-chaise. — I  have 
already  made  very  creditable  correxions  in  this  here  place, 
where,  to  be  sure,  we  have  the  very  squintasence  of  satiety- 
Mrs.  Patcher,  my  Lady  Kilmacullock's  woman,  and  I,  are 
sworn  sisters.  She  has  shown  me  all  her  secrets,  and  learned 
me  to  wash  gaze,  and  refrash  rusty  silks  and  bumbeseens,  by 
boiling  them  with  winegar,  chamberlaye,  and  stale  beer.  My 
short  sack  and  apron  luck  as  good  as  new  from  the  shop,  and 
my  pumpydoor  as  fresh  as  a  rose,  by  the  help  of  turtle-water — 
But  this  is  all  Greek  and  Latten  to  you,  Molly. — If  we  should 
come  to  Aberga'nny,  you'll  be  within  a  day's  ride  of  us ;  and 
then  we  shall  see  wan  another,  please  God. — If  not,  remember 
me  in  your  prayers,  as  I  shall  do  by  you  in  mine;  and  take 
care  of  my  kitten,  and  give  my  kind  sarvice  to  Saul ;  and  this 
is  all  at  present,  from  your  beloved  friend  and  sarvent, 
Bath,  April  26.  Winifred  Jenkins. 


To  Mrs.  Gwyllim,  Housekeeper,  at  Bramhleton  Hall. 

I  AM  astonished  that  Dr.  Lewis  should  take  upon  him  to 
give  away  Alderney,  without  my  privity  and  concurrants. 
What  signifies  my  brother's  order  ? — My  brother  is  little  better 
than  noncompush.  He  would  give  away  the  shirt  of  his  back, 
and  the  teeth  out  of  his  head ;  nay,  as  for  that  matter,  he  would 
have  ruinated  the  family  with  his  ridiculous  charities,  if  it  had 
not  been  for  my  four  quarters. — What  between  his  wilfulness 
and  his  waste,  his  trumps,  and  his  frenzy,  I  lead  the  life  of  an 
indented  slave.  Alderney  gave  four  gallons  a  day  ever  since 
the  calf  was  sent  to  market.  There  is  so  much  milk  out  of  my 
dairy,  and  the  press  must  stand  still : — But  I  won't  lose  a 
cheese-paring;  and  the  milk  shall  be  made  good,  if  the  sar- 
vants  should  go  without  butter.     If  they  must  needs  have 

43 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

butter,  let  them  make  it  of  sheep's  milk;  but  then  my  wool 
will  suffer  for  want  of  grace ;  so  that  I  must  be  a  loser  on  all 
sides. — Well,  patience  is  like  a  stout  Welsh  poney;  it  bears  a 
great  deal,  and  trots  a  great  way,  but  it  will  tire  at  the  long 
run. — Before  it's  long,  perhaps  I  may  show  Matt,  that  I  was 
not  born  to  be  the  household  drudge  to  my  dying  day, 

Gwyn  writes  from  Crickhowel,  that  the  price  of  flannel  is 
fallen  three  farthings  an  ell ;  and  that's  another  good  penny 
out  of  my  pocket. — When  I  go  to  market  to  sell,  my  com- 
modity stinks ;  but  when  I  want  to  buy  the  commonest  thing, 
the  owner  pricks  it  up  under  my  nose,  and  it  can't  be  had  for 
love  nor  money — I  think  everything  runs  cross  at  Brambleton 
Hall. — You  say  the  gander  has  broke  the  eggs,  which  is  a 
phinumenon  I  don't  understand ;  for  when  the  fox  carried  off 
the  old  goose  last  year,  he  took  her  place  and  hatched  the  eggs, 
and  partected  the  goslings  like  a  tender  parent. — Then  you  tell 
me  the  thunder  has  soured  two  barrels  of  bear  in  the  seller. 
But  how  the  thunder  should  get  there,  when  the  seller  was 
double  locked,  I  can't  comprehend.  Howsomever,  I  won't 
have  the  bear  thrown  out  till  I  see  it  with  mine  own  eyes. 
Perhaps  it  will  recover — at  least  it  will  serve  for  vinegar  to  the 
sarvants. — You  may  leave  off  the  fires  in  my  brother's  chamber 
and  mine,  as  it  is  unsartain  when  we  return. — I  hope,  Gwyllim, 
you'll  take  care  there  is  no  waste;  and  have  an  eye  to  the 
maids,  and  keep  them  to  their  spinning. — I  think  they  may  go 
very  well  without  bear  in  hot  weather — it  serves  only  to  in- 
flame the  blood,  and  set  them  agog  after  the  men :  water  will 
make  them  fair,  and  keep  them  cool  and  tamperit.  Don't  for- 
get to  put  up  in  the  portmantle  that  cums  with  Williams,  along 
with  my  riding  habit,  hat,  and  feather,  the  vial  of  purl-water, 
and  the  tincktur  for  my  stomach ;  being  as  how  I  am  much 
troubled  with  flatulencies.     This  is  all  at  present,  from  yours, 

Bath,  April  26.  Tabitha  Bramble. 


To  Dr.  Lewis. 

Dear  Dick, — I  have  done  with  the  waters ;  therefore  your 
advice  comes  a  day  too  late. — I  grant  that  physic  is  no  mystery 
of  your  making.  I  know  it  is  a  mystery  in  its  own  nature, 
and,  like  other  mysteries,  requires  a  strong  gulp  of  faith  to 

44 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

make  it  go  down. — Two  days  ago,  I  went  into  the  King's 

Bath,  by  the  advice  of  our  friend  Ch ,  in  order  to  clear  the 

strainer  of  the  skin,  for  the  benefit  of  a  free  perspiration ;  and 
the  first  object  that  saluted  my  eye  was  a  child,  full  of  scrof- 
ulous ulcers,  carried  in  the  arms  of  one  of  the  guides,  under 
the  very  noses  of  the  bathers.  I  was  so  shocked  at  the  sight, 
that  I  retired  immediately  with  indignation  and  disgust. — 
Suppose  the  matter  of  those  ulcers,  floating  in  the  water, 
comes  in  contact  with  my  skin,  when  the  pores  are  all  open,  I 
would  ask  you  what  must  be  the  consequence  ?  Good  heavens, 
the  very  thought  makes  my  blood  run  cold !  We  know  not 
what  sores  may  be  running  into  the  waters  while  we  are  bath- 
ing, and  what  sort  of  matter  we  may  thus  imbibe ;  the  king's 
evil,  the  scurvy,  the  cancer,  and  the  pox;  and,  no  doubt,  the 
heat  will  render  the  vims  the  more  volatile  and  penetrating. 
To  purify  myself  from  all  such  contamination,  I  went  to  the 
Duke  of  Kingston's  private  bath,  and  there  I  was  almost  suffo- 
cated for  want  of  free  air,  the  place  was  so  small,  and  the 
steam  so  stifling. 

After  all,  if  the  intention  is  no  more  than  to  wash  the  skin, 
I  am  convinced  that  simple  element  is  more  effectual  than  any 
water  impregnated  with  salt  and  iron;  which,  being  as- 
tringent, will  certainly  contract  the  pores,  and  leave  a  kind  of 
cruSt  upon  the  surface  of  the  body.  But  I  am  now  as  much 
afraid  of  drinking  as  of  bathing ;  for,  after  a  long  conversa- 
tion with  the  doctor,  about  the  construction  of  the  pump  and 
the  cistern,  it  is  very  far  from  being  clear  with  me,  that  the 
patients  in  the  pump-room  don't  swallow  the  scourings  of  the 
bathers.  I  can't  help  suspecting,  that  there  is,  or  may  be, 
some  regurgitation  from  the  bath  into  the  cistern  of  the  pump. 
In  that  case,  what  a  delicate  beverage  is  every  day  quaffed  by 
the  drinkers,  medicated  with  the  sweat,  and  dirt,  and  dandriff, 
and  the  abominable  discharges  of  various  kinds,  from  twenty 
different  diseased  bodies,  parboiling  in  the  kettle  below.  In 
order  to  avoid  this  filthy  composition,  I  had  recourse  to  the 
spring  that  supplies  the  private  baths  on  the  Abbey  Green ;  but 
I  at  once  perceived  something  extraordinary  in  the  taste  and 
smell ;  and,  upon  inquiry,  I  find,  that  the  Roman  baths  in  this 
quarter  were  found  covered  by  an  old  burying-ground  belong- 
ing to  the  abbey,  through  which,  in  all  probability,  the  water 

45 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

drains  in  its  passage;  so  that,  as  we  drink  the  decoction  of 
living  bodies  at  the  pump-room,  we  swallow  the  strainings  of 
rotten  bones  and  carcases  at  the  private  bath — I  vow  to  God 
the  very  idea  turns  my  stomach ! — Determined,  as  I  am, 
against  any  farther  use  of  the  Bath  waters,  this  consideration 
would  give  me  little  disturbance,  if  I  could  find  anything  more 
pure,  or  less  pernicious,  to  quench  my  thirst ;  but  although  the 
natural  springs  of  excellent  water  are  seen  gushing  spontane- 
ous on  every  side  from  the  hills  that  surround  us,  the  inhabit- 
ants in  general  make  use  of  well  water,  so  impregnated  with 
nitre,  or  alum,  or  some  other  villanous  mineral,  that  it  is 
equally  ungrateful  to  the  taste,  and  mischievous  to  the  consti- 
tution. It  must  be  owned,  indeed,  that  here,  in  Milsham 
Street,  we  have  a  precarious  and  scanty  supply  from  the  hill, 
which  is  collected  in  an  open  bason  in  the  Circus,  liable  to  be 
defiled  with  dead  dogs,  cats,  rats,  and  every  species  of  nasti- 
ness,  which  the  rascally  populace  may  throw  into  it  from  mere 
wantonness  and  brutality. 

Well,  there  is  no  nation  that  drinks  so  hoggishly  as  the 
English. — What  passes  for  wine  among  us  is  not  the  juice  of 
the  grape.  It  is  an  adulterous  mixture,  brewed  up  of  nause- 
ous ingredients,  by  dunces,  who  are  bunglers  in  the  art  of 
poison-making;  yet  we  and  our  forefathers  are,  and  have 
been,  poisoned  by  this  cursed  drench,  without  taste  or  flavour. 
— Xhe  only  genuine  and  wholesome  beverage  in  England  is 
London  porter  and  Dorchester  table-beer ;  but  as  for  your  ale 
and  your  gin,  your  cider  and  your  perry,  and  all  the  trashy 
family  of  made  wines,  I  detest  them  as  infernal  compositions, 
contrived  for  the  destruction  of  the  human  species. — But  what 
have  I  to  do  with  the  human  species?  except  a  very  few 
friends,  I  care  not  if  the  whole  was — 

Hark  ye,  Lewis,  my  misanthropy  increases  every  day. — The 
longer  I  live,  I  find  the  folly  and  the  fraud  of  mankind  grow 
more  and  more  intolerable. — I  wish  I  had  'not  come  from 
Brambleton  Hall.  After  having  lived  in  solitude  so  long,  I 
cannot  bear  the  hurry  and  impertinence  of  the  multitude ;  be- 
sides, everything  is  sophisticated  in  these  crowded  places. 
Snares  are  laid  for  our  lives  in  everything  we  eat  or  drink; 
the  very  air  we  breathe  is  loaded  with  contagion.  We  cannot 
even  sleep,  without  risk  of  infection.     I  say  infection — ^this 

46 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

place  is  the  rendezvous  of  the  diseased — you  won't  deny  that 
many  diseases  are  infectious;  even  the  consumption  itself  is 
highly  infectious.  When  a  person  dies  of  it  in  Italy,  the  bed 
and  bedding  are  destroyed ;  the  other  furniture  is  exposed  to 
the  weather,  and  the  apartment  whitewashed,  before  it  is  occu- 
pied by  any  other  living  soul.  You'll  allow,  that  nothing  re- 
ceives infection  sooner,  or  retains  it  longer,  than  blankets, 
feather-beds,  and  mattresses. — 'Sdeath !  how  do  I  know  what 
miserable  objects  have  been  stewing  in  the  bed  where  I  now 
lie ! — I  wonder,  Dick,  you  did  not  put  me  in  mind  of  sending 
for  my  own  mattresses — But,  if  I  had  not  been  an  ass,  I  should 
not  have  needed  a  remembrancer.  There  is  always  some 
plaguy  reflection  that  rises  up  in  judgment  against  me,  and 
ruffles  my  spirits — therefore,  let  us  change  the  subject. 

I  have  other  reasons  for  abridging  my  stay  at  Bath.  You 
know  Sister  Tabby's  complexion — If  Mrs.  Tabitha  Bramble 
had  been  of  any  other  race,  I  should  certainly  have  looked 
upon  her  as  the  most — .  But  the  truth  is,  she  has  found 
means  to  interest  my  affection;  or  rather,  she  is  beholden  to 
the  force  of  prejudice,  commonly  called  the  ties  of  blood. 
Well,  this  amiable  maiden  has  actually  commenced  a  flirting 
correspondence  with  an  Irish  baronet  of  sixty-five.  His  name 
is  Sir  Ulic  Mackilligut.  He  is  said  to  be  much  out  at  elbows ; 
and,  I  believe,  has  received  false  intelligence  with  respect  to 
her  fortune.  Be  that  as  it  may,  the  connexion  is  exceedingly 
ridiculous,  and  begins  already  to  excite  whispers. — For  my 
part,  I  have  no  intention  to  dispute  her  free  agency :  though 
♦I  shall  fall  upon  some  expedient  to  undeceive  her  paramour 
as  to  the  point  which  he  has  principally  in  view.  But  I  don't 
think  her  conduct  is  a  proper  example  for  Liddy,  who  has  also 
attracted  the  notice  of  some  coxcombs  in  the  rooms ;  and  Jerry 
tells  me,  he  suspects  a  strapping  fellow,  the  knight's  nephew, 
of  some  design  upon  the  girl's  heart.  I  shall,  therefore,  keep 
a  strict  eye  over  her  aunt  and  her,  and  even  shift  the  scene,  if  I 
find  the  matter  grow  more  serious. — You  perceive  what  an 
agreeable  task  it  must  be,  to  a  man  of  my  kidney,  to  have  the 
cure  of  such  souls  as  these. — But,  hold,  you  shall  not  have 
another  peevish  word,  till  the  next  occasion,  from  yours, 
Bath,  April  28.  Matt.  Bramble. 

47 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

To  Sir  Watkin  Phillips,  Bart,  of  Jesus  Coll.,  Oxon. 

Dear  Knight, — I  think  those  people  are  unreasonable,  who 
complain  that  Bath  is  a  contracted  circle,  in  which  the  same 
dull  scenes  perpetually  revolve,  without  variation. — I  am,  on 
the  contrary,  amazed  to  find  so  small  a  place  so  crowded  with 
entertainment  and  variety.  London  itself  can  hardly  exhibit 
one  species  of  diversion  to  which  we  have  not  something 
analogous  at  Bath,  over  and  above  those  singular  advantages 
that  are  peculiar  to  the  place.  Here,  for  example,  a  man  has 
daily  opportunities  of  seeing  the  most  remarkable  characters 
of  the  community.  He  sees  them  in  their  natural  attitudes 
and  true  colours,  descended  from  their  pedestals,  and  divested 
of  their  formal  draperies,  undisguised  by  art  and  atfectation. 
— Here  we  have  ministers  of  state,  judges,  generals,  bishops, 
projectors,  philosophers,  wits,  poets,  players,  chemists,  fid- 
dlers, and  buffoons.  If  he  makes  any  considerable  stay  in  the 
place,  he  is  sure  of  meeting  with  some  particular  friend  whom 
he  did  not  expect  to  see;  and  to  me  there  is  nothing  more 
agreeable  than  such  casual  rencontres. — Another  entertain- 
ment, peculiar  to  Bath,  arises  from  the  general  mixture  of  all 
degrees  assembled  in  our  public  rooms,  without  distinction  of 
rank  or  fortune.  This  is  what  my  uncle  reprobates  as  a  mon- 
strous jumble  of  heterogeneous  principles ;  a  vile  mob  of  noise 
and  impertinence,  without  decency  and  subordination.  But 
this  chaos  is  to  me  a  source  of  infinite  amusement. 

I  was  extremely  diverted,  last  ball-night,  to  see  the  master 
of  the  ceremonies  leading  with  great  solemnity,  to  the  upper 
end  of  the  room,  an  antiquated  Abigail,  dressed  in  her  lady's 
cast  clothes;  whom  he,  I  suppose,  mistook  for  some  countess 
just  arrived  at  the  bath.  The  ball  was  opened  by  a  Scotch 
lord,  with  a  mulatto  heiress,  from  St.  Christopher's ;  and  the 
gay  Colonel  Tinsel  danced  all  the  evening  with  the  daughter 
of  an  eminent  tinman  from  the  borough  of  Southwark. — 
Yesterday  morning,  at  the  pump-room,  I  saw  a  broken-winded 
Wapping  landlady  squeeze  through  a  circle  of  peers,  to  salute 
her  brandy  merchant,  who  stood  by  the  window,  propped  upon 
crutches ;  and  a  paralytic  attorney  of  Shoe  Lane,  in  shuffling 
up  to  the  bar,  kicked  the  shins  of  the  Chancellor  of  England, 
while  his  lordship,  in  a  cut  bob,  drank  a  glass  of  water  at  the 
pump.     I  cannot  account  for  my  being  pleased  with  these  in- 

48 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

cidents  any  other  way  than  by  saying  they  are  truly  ridiculous 
in  their  own  nature,  and  serve  to  heighten  the  humour  in  the 
farce  of  life,  which  I  am  determined  to  enjoy  as  long  as  I  can. 

Those  follies  that  move  my  uncle's  spleen  excite  my  laugh- 
ter. He  is  as  tender  as  a  man  without  a  skin,  who  cannot 
bear  the  slightest  touch  without  flinching.  What  tickles  an- 
other would  give  him  torment ;  and  yet  he  has  what  we  may 
call  lucid  intervals,  when  he  is  remarkably  facetious. — Indeed, 
I  never  knew  a  hypochondriac  so  apt  to  be  infected  with  good- 
humour.  He  is  the  most  risible  misanthrope  I  ever  met  with. 
A  lucky  joke,  or  any  ludicrous  incident,  will  set  him  in  a  laugh- 
ing immoderately,  even  in  one  of  his  most  gloomy  paroxysms ; 
and,  when  the  laugh  is  over,  he  will  curse  his  own  imbecility. 
In  conversing  with  strangers,  he  betrays  no  marks  of  disquiet 
— he  is  splenetic  with  his  familiars  only;  and  not  even  with 
them,  while  they  keep  his  attention  employed;  but  when  his 
spirits  are  not  exerted  externally,  they  seem  to  recoil,  and  prey 
upon  himself. — He  has  renounced  the  waters  with  execration ; 
but  he  begins  to  find  a  more  efficacious,  and,  certainly,  a  much 
more  palatable  remedy,  in  the  pleasures  of  society.  He  has 
discovered  some  old  friends  among  the  invalids  of  Bath ;  and, 
in  particular,  renewed  his  acquaintance  with  the  celebrated 
James  Quin,  who  certainly  did  not  come  here  to  drink  water. 
You  cannot  doubt  but  that  I  had  the  strongest  curiosity  to 
know  this  original ;  and  it  was  gratified  by  Mr.  Bramble,  who 
has  had  him  twice  at  our  house  to  dinner. 

So  far  as  I  am  able  to  judge,  Ouin's  character  is  rather 
more  respectable  than  it  has  been  generally  represented.  His 
bon-mots  are  in  every  witling's  mouth;  but  many  of  them 
have  a  rank  flavour,  which  one  would  be  apt  to  think  was  de- 
rived from  a  natural  grossness  of  idea.  I  suspect,  however, 
that  justice  has  not  been  done  the  author,  by  the  collectors  of 
those  Quiniana,  who  have  let  the  best  of  them  slip  through 
their  fingers,  and  only  retained  such  as  were  suited  to  the  taste 
and  organs  of  the  multitude.  How  far  he  may  relax  in  his 
hours  of  jollity  I  cannot  pretend  to  say;  but  his  general  con- 
versation is  conducted  by  the  nicest  rules  of  propriety;  and 
Mr.  James  Quin  is  certainly  one  of  the  best  bred  men  in  the 
kingdom.  He  is  not  only  a  most  agreeable  companion,  but, 
as  I  am  credibly  informed,  a  very  honest  man;   highly  sus- 

49 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

ceptible  of  friendship,  warm,  steady,  and  even  generous  in  his 
attachments;  disdaining  flattery,  and  incapable  of  meanness 
and  dissimulation.  Were  I  to  judge,  however,  from  Quin's 
eye  alone,  I  should  take  him  to  be  proud,  insolent,  and  cruel. 
There  is  something  remarkably  severe  and  forbidding  in  his 
aspect ;  and,  I  have  been  told,  he  was  ever  disposed  to  insult 
his  inferiors  and  dependants.  Perhaps  that  report  has  influ- 
enced my  opinion  of  his  looks.  You  know  we  are  the  fools 
of  prejudice.  Howsoever  that  may  be,  I  have  as  yet  seen 
nothing  but  his  favourable  side ;  and  my  uncle,  who  frequently 
confers  with  him  in  a  corner,  declares  he  is  one  of  the  most 
sensible  men  he  ever  knew.  He  seems  to  have  a  reciprocal 
regard  for  old  Squaretoes,  whom  he  calls  by  the  familiar  name 
of  Matthew,  and  often  reminds  of  their  old  tavern  adventures. 
On  the  other  hand,  Matthew's  eyes  sparkle  whenever  Quin 
makes  his  appearance.  Let  him  be  never  so  jarring  and  dis- 
cordant, Quin  puts  him  in  tune;  and,  like  treble  and  bass  in 
the  same  concert,  they  make  excellent  music  together.  T'other 
day  the  conversation  turning  upon  Shakspeare,  I  could  not 
help  saying,  with  some  emotion,  that  I  would  give  an  hundred 
guineas  to  see  Mr.  Quin  act  the  part  of  Falstaff ;  upon  which, 
turning  to  me  with  a  smile,  "  And  I  would  give  a  thousand, 
young  gentleman,"  said  he,  "  that  I  could  gratify  your  long- 
ing." My  uncle  and  he  are  perfectly  agreed  in  their  estimate 
of  life,  which,  Quin  says,  would  stink  in  his  nostrils,  if  he  did 
not  steep  it  in  claret. 

I  want  to  see  this  phenomenon  in  his  cups;  and  have  al- 
most prevailed  upon  uncle  to  give  him  a  small  turtle  at  the 
Bear.  In  the  meantime  I  must  entertain  you  with  an  incident 
that  seems  to  confirm  the  judgment  of  those  two  cynic  philos- 
ophers. I  took  the  liberty  to  differ  in  opinion  from  Mr. 
Bramble,  when  he  observed,  that  the  mixture  of  people  in 
the  entertainments  of  this  place  was  destructive  of  all  order 
and  urbanity ;  that  it  rendered  the  plebeians  insufferably  arro- 
gant and  troublesome,  and  vulgarised  the  deportment  and 
sentiments  of  those  who  moved  in  the  upper  spheres  of  life. 
He  said,  such  a  preposterous  coalition  would  bring  us  into 
contempt  with  all  our  neighbours ;  and  was  worse  in  fact  than 
debasing  the  gold  coin  of  the  nation.  I  argued,  on  the  con- 
trary, that  those  plebeians  who  discovered  such  eagerness  to 

50 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

imitate  the  dress  and  equipage  of  their  superiors,  would  like- 
wise, in  time,  adopt  their  maxims  and  their  manners,  be  pol- 
ished by  their  conversation,  and  refined  by  their  example ;  and 
when  I  appealed  to  Mr.  Quin,  and  asked  if  he  did  not  think 
that  such  an  unreserved  mixture  would  improve  the  whole 
mass,  "  Yes,"  said  he,  "  as  a  plate  of  marmalade  would  im- 
prove a  pan  of  sir-reverence." 

I  owned  I  was  not  much  conversant  in  high  life,  but  I  had 
seen  what  were  called  polite  assemblies  in  London  and  else- 
where ;  that  those  of  Bath  seemed  to  be  as  decent  as  any ;  and 
that,  upon  the  whole,  the  individuals  that  composed  it,  would 
not  be  found  deficient  in  good  manners  and  decorum.  "  But 
let  us  have  recourse  to  experience,"  said  I — "  Jack  Holder, 
who  was  intended  for  a  parson,  has  succeeded  to  an  estate  of 
two  thousand  a  year,  by  the  death  of  his  elder  brother.  He 
is  now  at  the  Bath,  driving  about  in  a  phaeton  and  four,  with 
French  horns.  He  has  treated  with  turtle  and  claret  at  all 
the  taverns  in  Bath  and  Bristol,  till  his  guests  are  gorged 
with  good  cheer.  He  has  bougkt  a  dozen  suits  of  fine  clothes, 
by  the  advice  of  the  master  of  the  ceremonies,  under  whose 
tuition  he  has  entered  himself.  He  has  lost  some  hundreds  at 
billiards  to  sharpers,  and  taken  one  of  the  nymphs  of  Avon 
Street  into  keeping ;  but  finding  all  these  channels  insufficient 
to  drain  him  of  his  current  cash,  his  counsellor  has  engaged 
him  to  give  a  general  tea-drinking  to-morrow  at  Wiltshire's 
room.  In  order  to  give  it  the  more  eclat,  every  table  is  to  be 
furnished  with  sweetmeats  and  nosegays;  which,  however, 
are  not  to  be  touched  till  notice  is  given  by  the  ringing  of  a 
bell,  and  then  the  ladies  may  help  themselves  without  restric- 
tion. This  will  be  no  bad  way  of  trying  the  company's  breed- 
ing "— 

"  I  will  abide  by  that  experiment,"  cried  my  uncle,  "  and 
if  I  could  find  a  place  to  stand  secure  without  the  vortex  of 
the  tumult,  which  I  know  will  ensue,  I  would  certainly  go 
thither  and  enjoy  the  scene."  Quin  proposed  that  we  should 
take  our  station  in  the  music  gallery ;  and  we  took  his  advice. 
Holder  had  got  thither  before  us,  with  his  horns  perdue ;  but 
we  were  admitted.  The  tea-drinking  passed  as  usual;  and 
the  company  having  risen  from  the  tables,  were  sauntering 
in  groups  in  expectation  of  the  signal  for  attack,  when  the 

51 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

bell  beginning  to  ring,  they  flew  with  eagerness  to  the  dessert, 
and  the  whole  place  was  instantly  in  commotion.  There  was 
nothing  but  jostling,  scrambling,  pulling,  snatching,  strug- 
gling, scolding,  and  screaming.  The  nosegays  were  torn  from 
one  another's  hands  and  bosoms;  the  glasses  and  china  went 
to  wreck ;  the  tables  and  floor  were  strewed  with  comfits. 
Some  cried,  some  swore,  and  the  tropes  and  figures  of  Bil- 
lingsgate were  used  without  reserve  in  all  their  native  zest 
and  flavour;  nor  were  those  flowers  of  rhetoric  unattended 
with  significant  gesticulation.  Som.e  snapped  their  fingers, 
some  forked  them  out,  some  clapped  their  hands,  and  some 
their  backsides;  at  length  they  fairly  proceeded  to  pulling 
caps,  and  everything  seemed  to  presage  a  general  battle ;  when 
Holder  ordered  his  horns  to  sound  a  charge,  with  a  view  to 
animate  the  combatants  and  inflame  the  contest;  but  this 
manoeuvre  produced  an  effect'  quite  contrary  to  what  he  ex- 
pected. It  was  a  note  of  reproach  that  roused  them  to  an 
immediate  sense  of  their  disgraceful  situation.  They  were 
ashamed  of  their  absurd  deportment,  and  suddenly  desisted. 
They  gathered  up  their  caps,  ruffles,  and  handkerchiefs,  and 
great  part  of  them  retired  in  silent  mortification. 

Quin  laughed  at  this  adventure;  but  my  uncle's  delicacy 
was  hurt.  He  hung  his  head  in  manifest  chagrin,  and  seemed 
to  repine  at  the  triumph  of  his  judgment.  Indeed,  his  victory 
was  more  complete  than  he  imagined;  for,  as  we  afterwards 
learned,  the  two  amazons  who  signalised  themselves  most  in 
the  action,  did  not  come  from  the  purlieus  of  Puddledock, 
but  from  the  courtly  neighbourhood  of  St.  James's  Palace. 
One  was  a  baroness,  and  the  other  a  wealthy  knight's  dow- 
ager. My  uncle  spoke  not  a  word,  till  we  had  made  our  re- 
treat good  to  the  coffee-house;  where,  taking  off  his  hat,  and 
wiping  his  forehead,  "  I  bless  God,"  said  he,  "  that  Mrs. 
Tabitha  Bramble  did  not  take  the  field  to-day !  " — "  I  would 
pit  her  for  a  cool  hundred,"  cried  Quin,  "  against  the  best 
shake-bag  of  the  whole  main."  The  truth  is,  nothing  could 
have  kept  her  at  home  but  the  accident  of  her  having  taken 
physic  before  she  knew  the  nature  of  the  entertainment.  She 
has  been  for  some  days  furbishing  up  an  old  suit  of  black 
velvet,  to  make  her  appearance  as  Sir  Ulic's  partner  at  the 
next  ball. 

53 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

1  have  much  to  say  of  this  amiable  kinswoman ;  but  she  has 
not  been  properly  introduced  to  your  acquaintance.  She  is 
remarkably  civil  to  Mr.  Quin ;  of  whose  sarcastic  humour  she 
seems  to  stand  in  awe;  but  her  caution  is  no  match  for  her 
impertinence.  "  Mr.  Gwynn,"  said  she,  the  other  day,  "  J. 
was  once  vastly  entertained  with  your  playing  the  Ghost  of 
Gimlet,  at  Drury  Lane,  when  you  rose  up  through  the  stage, 
with  a  white  face  and  red  eyes,  and  spoke  of  quails  upon  the 
frightful  porcupine.  Do,  pray,  spout  a  little  the  Ghost  of 
Gimlet." — "  Madam,"  said  Quin,  with  a  glance  of  ineffable 
disdain,  "  the  Ghost  of  Gimlet  is  laid,  never  to  rise  again." 
Insensible  of  this  check,  she  proceeded :  "  Well,  to  be  sure, 
you  looked  and  talked  so  like  a  real  ghost ;  and  then  the  cock 
crowed  so  natural — I  wonder  how  you  could  teach  him  to 
crow  so  exact  in  the  very  nick  of  time;  but  I  suppose  he's 
game — an't  he  game,  Mr.  Gwynn  ?  " — "  Dunghill,  madam." — 
"  Well,  dunghill  or  not  dunghill,  he  has  got  such  a  clear 
counter-tenor,  that  I  wish  I  had  such  another  at  Brambleton 
Hall,  to  wake  the  maids  of  a  morning.  Do  you  know  where 
I  could  find  one  of  his  brood  ?  " — "  Probably  in  the  work- 
house of  St.  Giles's  parish,  madam ;  but  I  protest  I  know  not 
his  particular  mew."  My  uncle,  frying  with  vexation,  cried, 
"  Good  God,  sister,  how  you  talk !  I  have  told  you  twenty 
times  that  this  gentleman's  name  is  not  Gwynn  " —  *'  Hoity, 
toity,  brother  of  mine,"  she  replied,  "  no  offence,  I  hope — 
Gwynn  is  an  honourable  name,  of  true  old  British  extraction 
— I  thought  the  gentleman  had  come  of  Mrs.  Helen  Gwynn, 
vv'ho  was  of  his  own  profession;  and  if  so  be  that  were  the 
case,  he  might  be  of  King  Charles's  breed,  and  have  royal 
blood  in  his  veins  " — "  No,  madam,"  answered  Quin,  with 
great  solemnity,  "  my  mother  was  not  a  whore  of  such  dis- 
tinction. True  it  is,  I  am  sometimes  tempted  to  believe  my- 
self of  royal  descent;  for  my  inclinations  are  often  arbitrary. 
If  I  was  an  absolute  prince  at  this  instant,  I  believe  I  should 
send  for  the  head  of  your  cook  in  a  charger.  She  has  com- 
mitted felony  on  the  person  of  that  John  Dory;  which  is 
mangled  in  a  cruel  manner,  and  even  presented  without  sauce. 
O  tempora!   O  mores!" 

This  good-humoured  sally  turned  the  conversation  into  a 
less   disagreeable  channel — But,   lest  you   should  think  my 

53 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

scribble  as  tedious  as  Mrs.  Tabby's  clack,  I  shall  not  add 
another  word,  but  that  I  am  as  usual,  Yours, 

Bath,  April  30.  J.  Melford. 


To  Dr.  Lewis. 

Dear  Lewis, — I  received  your  bill  upon  Wiltshire,  which 
was  punctually  honoured;  but,  as  I  don't  choose  to  keep  so 
much  cash  by  me  in  a  common  lodging-house,  I  have  depos- 
ited ^250  in  the  bank  of  Bath,  and  shall  take  their  bills  for 
it  on  London,  when  I  leave  this  place,  where  the  season  draws 
to  an  end. — You  must  know,  that  now  being  afoot,  I  am  re- 
solved to  give  Liddy  a  glimpse  of  London.  She  is  one  of  the 
best-hearted  creatures  I  ever  knew,  and  gains  upon  my  affec- 
tion every  day. — ^As  for  Tabby,  I  have  dropped  such  hints 
to  the  Irish  baronet,  concerning  her  fortune,  as,  I  make  no 
doubt,  will  cool  the  ardour  of  his  addresses.  Then  her  pride 
will  take  the  alarm;  and  the  rancour  of  stale  maidenhood 
being  chafed,  we  shall  hear  nothing  but  slander  and  abuse  of 
Sir  Ulic  Mackilligut.  This  rupture,  I  foresee,  will  facilitate 
our  departure  from  Bath ;  where,  at  present.  Tabby  seems  to 
enjoy  herself  with  peculiar  satisfaction.  For  my  part,  I 
detest  it  so  much,  that  I  should  not  have  been  able  to  stay  so 
long  in  the  place,  if  I  had  not  discovered  some  old  friends, 
whose  conversation  alleviates  my  disgust.  Going  to  the  cof- 
fee-house one  forenoon,  I  could  not  help  contemplating  the 
company,  with  equal  surprise  and  compassion.  We  consisted 
of  thirteen  individuals ;  seven  lamed  by  the  gout,  rheumatism, 
or  palsy ;  three  maimed  by  accident ;  and  the  rest  either  deaf 
or  blind.  One  hobbled,  another  hopped,  a  third  dragged  his 
legs  after  him  like  a  wounded  snake,  a  fourth  straddled  be- 
twixt a  pair  of  long  crutches,  like  the  mummy  of  a  felon 
hanging  in  chains;  a  fifth  was  bent  into  an  horizontal  posi- 
tion, like  a  mounted  telescope,  shoved  in  by  a  couple  of  chair- 
men ;  and  a  sixth  was  the  bust  of  a  man,  set  upright  in  a 
wheel  machine,  which  the  waiter  moved  from  place  to  place. 

Being  struck  with  some  of  their  faces,  I  consulted  the  sub- 
scription-book;  and,  perceiving  the  names  of  several  old 
friends,  began  to  consider  the  group  with  more  attention.  At 
length  I  discovered  Rear-Admiral  Balderick,  the  companion 

54 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

of  my  youth,  whom  I  had  not  seen  since  he  was 
appointed  Heutenant  of  the  Severn.  He  was  metamor- 
phosed into  an  old  man,  with  a  wooden  leg  and  a  weather- 
beaten  face ;  which  appeared  the  more  ancient  from  his  grey 
locks,  that  were  truly  venerable. — Sitting  down  at  the  table, 
where  he  was  reading  a  newspaper,  I  gazed  at  him  for  some 
minutes,  with  a  mixture  of  pleasure  and  regret,  which  made 
my  heart  gush  with  tenderness ;  then,  taking  him  by  the  hand, 
"  Ah,  Sam,"  said  I,  "  forty  years  ago  I  little  thought " —  I 
was  too  much  moved  to  proceed. — "  An  old  friend,  sure 
enough !  *'  cried  he,  squeezing  my  hand,  and  surveying  me 
eagerly  through  his  glasses,  "  I  know  the  looming  of  the  ves- 
sel, though  she  has  been  hard  strained  since  we  parted;  but 
1  can't  heave  up  the  name  " —  The  moment  I  told  him  who  I 
was,  he  exclaimed,  "  Ha !  Matt,  my  old  fellow-cruiser,  still 
afloat !  "  and,  starting  up,  hugged  me  in  his  arms.  His  trans- 
port, however,  boded  me  no  good;  for,  in  saluting  me,  he 
thrust  the  spring  of  his  spectacles  into  my  eye,  and,  at  the 
same  time,  set  his  wooden  stump  upon  my  gouty  toe;  an 
attack  that  made  me  shed  tears  in  sad  earnest. — After  the 
hurry  of  our  recognition  was  over,  he  pointed  out  two  of 
our  common  friends  in  the  room.  The  bust  was  what  re- 
mained of  Colonel  Cockril,  who  had  lost  the  use  of  his  limbs 
in  making  an  American  campaign;  and  the  telescope  proved 
to  be  my  college  chum.  Sir  Reginald  Bentley,  who,  with  his 
new  title  and  unexpected  inheritance,  commenced  fox-hunter, 
without  having  served  his  apprenticeship  to  the  mystery ;  and, 
in  consequence  of  following  the  hounds  through  a  river,  was 
seized  with  an  inflammation  in  his  bowels,  which  has  con- 
tracted him  into  his  present  attitude. 

Our  former  correspondence  was  forthwith  renewed,  with 
the  most  hearty  expressions  of  mutual  goodwill;  and,  as  we 
had  met  so  unexpectedly,  we  agreed  to  dine  together  that 
very  day  at  the  tavern.  My  friend  Quin,  being  luckily  un- 
engaged, obliged  us  with  his  company;  and,  truly,  this  was 
the  most  happy  day  I  have  passed  these  twenty  years.  You 
and  I,  Lewis,  having  been  always  together,  never  tasted 
friendship  in  this  high  gohi,  contracted  from  long  absence.  I 
canriot  express  the  half  of  what  I  felt  at  this  casual  meeting 
of  three  or  four  companions,  who  had  been  so  long  separated, 

55 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

and  so  roughly  treated  by  the  storms  of  Hfe.  It  was  a  renova- 
tion of  youth ;  a  kind  of  resuscitation  of  the  dead,  that  realised 
those  interesting  dreams  in  which  we  sometimes  retrieve  our 
ancient  friends  from  the  grave.  Perhaps  my  enjoyment  was 
not  the  less  pleasing  for  being  mixed  with  a  strain  of  melan- 
choly, produced  by  the  remembrance  of  past  scenes,  that  con- 
jured up  the  ideas  of  some  endearing  connexions,  which  the 
hand  of  death  has  actually  dissolved. 

The  spirits  and  good-humour  of  the  company  seemed  to 
triumph  over  the  wreck  of  their  constitutions.  They  had 
even  philosophy  enough  to  joke  upon  their  own  calamities; 
such  is  the  power  of  friendship,  the  sovereign  cordial  of  life. 
I  afterwards  found,  however,  that  they  were  not  without  their 
moments  and  even  hours  of  disquiet.  Each  of  them  apart,  in 
succeeding  conferences,  expatiated  upon  his  own  particular 
grievances;  and  they  were  all  malcontents  at  bottom.  Over 
and  above  their  personal  disasters,  they  thought  themselves 
unfortunate  in  the  lottery  of  life.  Balderick  complained,  that 
all  the  recompense  he  had  received  for  his  long  and  hard 
service  was  the  half-pay  of  a  rear-admiral.  The  colonel  was 
mortified  to  see  himself  overtopped  by  upstart  generals,  some 
of  whom  he  had  once  commanded;  and,  being  a  man  of  a 
liberal  turn,  could  ill  put  up  with  a  moderate  annuity,  for 
which  he  had  sold  his  commission.  As  for  the  baronet,  hav- 
ing run  himself  considerably  in  debt,  on  a  contested  election, 
he  has  been  obliged  to  relinquish  his  seat  in  parliament,  and 
his  seat  in  the  country  at  the  same  time,  and  put  his  estate  to 
nurse.  But  his  chagrin,  which  is  the  effect  of  his  own  mis- 
conduct, does  not  affect  me  half  so  much  as  that  of  the  other 
two,  who  have  acted  honourable  and  distinguished  parts  on 
the  great  theatre,  and  are  now  reduced  to  lead  a  weary  life 
in  this  stewpan  of  idleness  and  insignificance.  They  have 
long  left  off  using  the  waters,  after  having  experienced  their 
inefficacy.  The  diversions  of  the  place  they  are  not  in  a  con- 
dition to  enjoy.  How  then  do  they  make  shift  to  pass  their 
time?  In  the  forenoon  they  crawl  out  to  the  rooms  or  the 
coffee-house,  where  they  take  a  hand  at  whist,  or  descant  upon 
the  General  Advertiser ;  and  their  evenings  they  murder  in 
private  parties,  among  peevish  invalids,  and  insipid  old  worn- 

56 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

en.     This  is  the  case  with  a  good  number  of  individuals, 
whom  nature  seems  to  have  intended  for  better  purposes. 

About  a  dozen  years  ago,  many  decent  famiUes,  restricted 
to  small  fortunes,  besides  those  that  came  hither  on  the  score 
of  health,  were  tempted  to  settle  at  Bath,  where  they  could 
then  live  comfortably,  and  even  make  a  genteel  appearance  at 
a  small  expense.  But  the  madness  of  the  times  has  made 
the  place  too  hot  for  them,  and  they  are  now  obliged  to  think 
of  other  migrations.  Some  have  already  fled  to  the  mountains 
of  Wales,  and  others  have  retired  to  Exeter.  Thither,  no 
doubt,  they  will  be  followed  by  the  flood  of  luxury  and  ex- 
travagance, which  will  drive  them  from  place  to  place  to  the 
very  Land's  End;  and  there,  I  suppose,  they  will  be  obliged 
to  ship  themselves  to  some  other  country.  Bath  is  become  a 
mere  sink  of  profligacy  and  extortion.  Every  article  of  house- 
keeping is  raised  to  an  enormous  price;  a  circumstance  no 
longer  to  be  wondered  at,  when  we  know  that  every*  petty 
retainer  of  fortune  piques  himself  upon  keeping  a  table,  and 
thinks  it  is  for  the  honour  of  his  character  to  wink  at  the 
knavery  of  his  servants,  who  are  in  a  confederacy  with  the 
market  people,  and  of  consequence  pay  whatever  they  de- 
mand. Here  is  now  a  mushroom  of  opulence,  who  pays  a 
cook  seventy  guineas  a  week  for  furnishing  him  with  one 
meal  a  day.  This  portentous  frenzy  is  become  so  contagious, 
that  the  very  rabble  and  refuse  of  mankind  are  infected.  I 
have  laiown  a  negro-driver,  from  Jamaica,  pay  overnight, 
to  the  master  of  one  of  the  rooms,  sixty-five  guineas  for  tea 
and  coffee  to  the  company,  and  leave  Bath  next  morning,  in 
such  obscurity,  that  not  one  of  his  guests  had  the  slightest 
idea  of  his  person,  or  even  made  the  least  inquiry  about  his 
name.  Incidents  of  this  kind  are  frequent;  and  every  day 
teems  with  such  absurdities,  which  are  too  gross  to  make  a 
thinking  man  merry.  But  I  feel  the  spleen  creeping  on  me 
apace,  and  therefore  will  indulge  you  with  a  cessation,  that 
you  may  have  no  unnecessary  cause  to  curse  your  corre- 
spondence with.  Dear  Dick, 

Yours  ever, 

Bath,  May  5.  Matt.  Bramble. 

57 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

To  Miss  L^titia  Willis,  at  Gloucester. 

My  dear  Letty, — I  wrote  you  at  great  length  by  the  post, 
the  twenty-sixth  of  last  month,  to  which  I  refer  you  for  an 
account  of  our  proceedings  at  Bath;  and  I  expect  your  an- 
swer with  impatience.  But  having  this  opportunity  of  a 
private  hand,  I  send  you  two  dozen  of  Bath  rings,  six  of  the 
best  of  which  I  desire  you  will  keep  for  yourself,  and  dis- 
tribute the  rest  among  the  young  ladies,  our  common  friends, 
as  you  shall  think  proper.  I  don't  know  how  much  you  will 
approve  of  the  mottos;  some  of  them  are  not  to  my  own 
liking,  but  I  was  obliged  to  take  such  as  I  could  find  ready 
manufactured.  I  am  vexed  that  neither  you  nor  I  have  re- 
ceived any  further  information  of  a  certain  person ;  sure  it 
can't  be  wilful  neglect!  O  my  dear  Willis!  I  begin  to  be 
visited  by  strange  fancies,  and  to  have  some  melancholy 
doubts,  which,  however,  it  would  be  ungenerous  to  harbour 
without  further  inquiry.  My  uncle,  who  has  made  me  a 
present  of  a  very  fine  set  of  garnets,  talks  of  treating  us  with 
a  jaunt  to  London,  which,  you  may  imagine,  will  be  highly 
agreeable ;  but  I  like  Bath  so  well,  that  I  hope  he  won't  think 
of  leaving  it  till  the  season  is  quite  over,  and  yet,  betwixt 
friends,  something  has  happened  to  my  aunt  which  will  prob- 
ably shorten  our  stay  in  this  place. 

Yesterday,  in  the  forenoon,  she  went  by  herself  to  a  break- 
fasting in  one  of  the  rooms,  and  in  half  an  hour  returned  in 
great  agitation,  having  Chowder  along  with  her  in  the  chair. 
I  believe  some  accident  must  have  happened  to  that  unlucky 
animal,  which  is  the  great  source  of  all  her  troubles.  Dear 
Letty!  what  a  pity  it  is  that  a  woman  of  her  years  and  dis- 
cretion should  place  her  affection  upon  such  an  ugly  ill-con- 
ditioned cur,  that  snarls  and  snaps  at  everybody.  I  asked 
John  Thomas,  the  footman  who  attended  her,  what  was  the 
matter?  and  he  did  nothing  but  grin.  A  famous  dog  doctor 
was  sent  for,  and  undertook  to  cure  the  patient,  provided  he 
might  carry  him  home  to  his  own  house;  but  his  mistress 
would  not  part  with  him  out  of  her  own  sight.  She  ordered 
the  cook  to  warm  cloths,  which  she  applied  to  his  bowels  with 
her  own  hand.  She  gave  up  all  thoughts  of  going  to  the  ball 
in  the  evening,  and  when  Sir  Ulic  came  to  drink  tea,  refused 

58 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

to  be  seen,  so  that  he  went  away  to  look  for  another  partner. 
My  brother  Jerry  whistles  and  dances.  My  uncle  sometimes 
shrugs  up  his  shoulders,  and  sometimes  bursts  out  a-laugh- 
ing.  My  aunt  sobs  and  scolds  by  turns,  and  her  woman  Win. 
Jenkins  stares  and  wonders  with  a  foolish  face  of  curiosity; 
and  for  my  part  I  am  as^  curious  as  she,  but  ashamed  to  ask 
questions. 

Perhaps  time  will  discover  the  mystery,  for  if  it  was  any- 
thing that  happened  in  the  rooms,  it  can't  be  long  concealed. 
All  I  know  is,  that  last  night  at  supper,  Miss  Bramble  spoke 
very  disdainfully  of  Sir  Ulic  Mackilligut,  and  asked  her 
brother  if  he  intended  to  keep  us  sweltering  all  the  summer 
at  Bath?  "  No,  sister  Tabitha,"  said  he,  with  an  arch  smile, 
"  we  shall  retreat  before  the  dog-days  begin,  though  I  make 
no  doubt,  that,  with  a  little  temperance  and  discretion,  our 
constitutions  might  be  kept  cool  enough  all  the  year,  even  at 
Bath."  As  I  don't  know  the  meaning  of  this  insinuation,  I 
won't  pretend  to  make  any  remarks  upon  it  at  present;  here- 
after, perhaps,  I  may  be  able  to  explain  it  more  to  your  satis- 
faction; in  the  meantime,  I  beg  you  will  be  punctual  in  your 
correspondence,  and  continue  to  love  your  ever  faithful 

Bath,  May  6.  Lydia  Melford. 


To  Sir  Watkin  Phillips,  Bart,  of  Jesus  Coll.,  Oxon. 

So  then  Mrs.  Blackerby's  affair  has  proved  a  false  alarm, 
and  I  have  saved  my  money?  I  wish,  however,  her  declara- 
tion had  not  been  so  premature,  for  though  my  being  thought 
capable  of  making  her  a  mother  might  have  given  me  some 
credit,  the  reputation  of  an  intrigue  with  such  a  cracked 
pitcher  does  me  no  honour  at  all.  In  my  last  I  told  you  I  had 
hopes  of  seeing  Quin  in  his  hours  of  elevation  at  the  tavern, 
which  is  the  temple  of  mirth  and  good  fellowship,  where  he, 
as  priest  of  Comus,  utters  the  inspirations  of  wit  and  humour ; 
I  have  had  that  satisfaction.  I  have  dined  with  his  club  at 
the  Three  Tuns,  and  had  the  honour  to  sit  him  out.  At  half 
an  hour  past  eight  in  the  evening,  he  was  carried  home  with 
six  good  bottles  of  claret  under  his  belt;  and,  it  being  then 
Friday,  he  gave  orders  that  he  should  not  be  disturbed  till 
Sunday  at  noon.     You  must  not  imagine  that  this  dose  had 

S9 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

any  other  effect  upon  his  conversation,  but  that  of  making  it 
more  extravagantly  entertaining.  He  had  lost  the  use  of  his 
limbs,  indeed,  several  hours  before  we  parted,  but  he  retained 
all  his  other  faculties  in  perfection,  and,  as  he  gave  vent  to 
every  whimsical  idea  as  it  rose,  I  was  really  astonished  at  the 
brilliancy  of  his  thoughts,  and  the  force  of  his  expression. 
Quin  is  a  real  voluptuary  in  the  articles  of  eating  and  drink- 
ing, and  so  confirmed  an  epicure,  in  the  common  acceptation 
of  the  term,  that  he  cannot  put  up  with  ordinary  fare.  This 
is  a  point  of  such  importance  with  him,  that  he  always  takes 
upon  himself  the  charge  of  catering;  and  a  man  admitted  to 
his  mess  is  always  sure  of  eating  delicate  victuals,  and  drink- 
ing excellent  wine.  He  owns  himself  addicted  to  the  delights 
of  the  stomach,  and  often  jokes  upon  his  own  sensuality ;  but 
there  is  nothing  selfish  in  his  appetite.  He  finds  that  good 
cheer  unites  good  company,  exhilarates  the  spirits,  opens  the 
heart,  banishes  all  restraint  from  conversation,  and  promotes 
the  happiest  purposes  of  social  life.  But  Mr.  James  Quin 
is  not  a  subject  to  be  discussed  in  the  compass  of  one  letter. 
I  shall  therefore,  at  present,  leave  him  to  his  repose,  and  call 
in  another  of  a  very  different  complexion. 

You  desire  to  have  further  acquaintance  with  the  person 
of  our  aunt,  and  promise  yourself  much  entertainment  from 
her  connexion  with  Sir  Ulic  Mackilligut,  but  in  this  hope  you 
are  balked  already — ^that  connexion  is  dissolved.  The  Irish 
baronet  is  an  old  hound,  that,  finding  her  carrion,  has  quitted 
the  scent.  I  have  already  told  you,  that  Mrs.  Tabitha  Bram- 
ble is  a  maiden  of  forty-five.  In  her  person,  she  is  tall,  raw- 
boned,  awkward,  flat-chested,  and  stooping ;  her  complexion  is 
sallow  and  freckled;  her  eyes  are  not  grey,  but  greenish,  like 
those  of  a  cat,  and  generally  inflamed ;  her  hair  is  of  a  sandy, 
or  rather  dusty  hue ;  her  forehead  low ;  her  nose  long,  sharp, 
and,  towards  the  extremity,  always  red  in  cool  weather;  her 
lips  skinny,  her  mouth  extensive,  her  teeth  straggling  and 
loose,  of  various  colours  and  conformation ;  and  her  long  neck 
shrivelled  into  a  thousand  wrinkles.  In  her  temper,  she  is 
proud,  stiff,  vain,  imperious,  prying,  malicious,  greedy,  and 
uncharitable.  In  all  likelihood  her  natural  austerity  has  been 
soured  by  disappointment  in  love,  for  her  long  celibacy  is  by 
no  means  owing  to  her  dislike  of  matrimony;  on  the  con- 

60 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

trary,  she  has  left  no  stone  unturned  to  avoid  the  reproachful 
epithet  of  old  maid. 

Before  T  was  born,  she  had  gone  such  lengths  in  the  way  of 
llirting  with  a  recruiting  officer,  that  her  reputation  was  a 
little  singed.  She  afterwards  made  advances  to  the  curate  of 
the  parish,  who  dropped  some  distant  hints  about  the  next 
presentation  to  the  living,  which  was  in  her  brother's  gift; 
but  finding  that  was  already  promised  to  another,  he  flew  off 
at  a  tangent;  and  Mrs.  Tabby,  in  revenge,  found  means  to 
deprive  him  of  his  cure.  Her  next  lover  was  a  lieutenant  of 
a  man-of-war,  a  relation  of  the  family,  who  did  not  under- 
stand the  refinements  of  the  passion,  and  expressed  no  aver- 
sion to  grapple  with  cousin  Tabby  in  the  way  of  marriage; 
but  before  matters  could  be  properly  adjusted,  he  went  out 
on  a  cruise,  and  was  killed  in  an  engagement  with  a  French 
frigate.  Our  aunt,  though  baffled  so  often,  did  not  yet  de- 
spair. She  laid  all  her  snares  for  Dr.  Lewis,  who  is  the  fidus 
Achates  of  my  uncle.  She  even  fell  sick  upon  the  occasion, 
and  prevailed  with  Matt,  to  interpose  in  her  behalf  with  his 
friend ;  but  the  doctor  being  a  shy  cock,  would  not  be  caught 
with  chaff,  and  flatly  rejected  the  proposal.  So  that  Mrs. 
Tabitha  was  content  to  exert  her  patience  once  more,  after 
having  endeavoured  in  vain  to  effect  a  rupture  betwixt  the 
two  friends ;  and  now  she  thinks  proper  to  be  very  civil  to 
Lewis,  who  is  become  necessary  to  her  in  the  way  of  his  pro- 
fession. 

These,  however,  are  not  the  only  efforts  she  has  made  to- 
wards a  nearer  conjunction  with  our  sex.  Her  fortune  was 
originally  no  more  than  a  thousand  pounds;  but  she  gained 
an  accession  of  five  hundred  by  the  death  of  a  sister,  and  the 
lieutenant  left  her  three  hundred  in  his  will.  These  sums 
she  has  more  than  doubled,  by  living  free  of  all  expense,  in 
her  brother's  house,  and  dealing  in  cheese  and  Welsh  flannel, 
the  produce  of  his  stock  and  dairy.  At  present  her  capital  is 
increased  to  about  four  thousand  pounds;  and  her  avarice 
seems  to  grow  every  day  more  and  more  rapacious.  But  even 
this  is  not  so  intolerable  as  the  perverseness  of  her  nature, 
which  keeps  the  whole  family  in  disquiet  and  uproar.  She 
is  one  of  those  geniuses  who  find  some  diabolical  enjoyment 
in  being  dreaded  and  detested  by  their  fellow-creatures. 

6i 


THE  EXPEDITION   OP 

I  once  told  my  uncle,  I  was  surprised  that  a  man  of  his 
disposition  could  bear  such  a  domestic  plague,  when  it  could 
be  so  easily  removed.  The  remark  made  him  sore,  because  it 
seemed  to  tax  him  with  want  of  resolution.  Wrinkling  up 
his  nose,  and  drawing  down  his  eyebrows,  "  A  young  fellow," 
said  he,  "  when  he  first  thrusts  his  snout  into  the  world,  is  apt 
to  be  surprised  at  many  things  which  a  man  of  experience 
knows  to  be  ordinary  and  unavoidable.  This  precious  aunt 
of  yours  is  become  insensibly  a  part  of  my  constitution — 
D — n  her,  she's  a  noli  me  tangere  in  my  flesh,  which  I  cannot 
bear  to  be  touched  or  tampered  with."  I  made  no  reply ;  but 
shifted  the  conversation.  He  really  has  an  affection  for  this 
original,  which  maintains  its  ground  in  defiance  of  common 
sense,  and  in  despite  of  that  contempt  which  he  must  certainly 
feel  for  her  character  and  understanding.  Nay,  I  am  con- 
vinced, that  she  has  likewise  a  most  violent  attachment  to  his 
person ;  though  her  love  never  shows  itself  but  in  the  shape 
of  discontent ;  and  she  persists  in  tormenting  him  out  of  sheer 
tefiderness.  The  only  object  within  doors  upon  which  she 
bestows  any  marks  of  affection,  in  the  usual  style,  is  her  dog 
Chowder,  a  filthy  cur  from  Newfoundland,  which  she  had 
in  a  present  from  the  wife  of  a  skipper  in  Swansea.  One 
would  imagine  she  had  distinguished  this  beast  with  her 
favour  on  account  of  his  ugliness  and  ill-nature ;  if  it  was  not, 
indeed,  an  instinctive  sympathy  between  his  disposition  and 
her  own.  Certain  it  is,  she  caresses  him  without  ceasing;  and 
even  harasses  the  family  in  the  service  of  this  cursed  animal, 
which,  indeed,  has  proved  the  proximate  cause  of  her  breach 
with  Sir  Ulic  Mackilligut. 

You  must  know,  she  yesterday  wanted  to  steal  a  march  of 
poor  Liddy,  and  went  to  breakfast  in  the  room,  without  any 
otlier  companion  than  her  dog,  in  expectation  of  meeting  with 
the  baronet,  who  had  agreed  to  dance  with  her  in  the  evening. 
— Chowder  no  sooner  made  his  appearance  in  the  room,  than 
the  master  of  the  ceremonies,  incensed  at  his  presumption, 
ran  up  to  drive  him  away,  and  threatened  him  with  his  foot; 
but  the  other  seemed  to  despise  his  authority,  and,  displaying 
a  formidable  case  of  long,  white,  sharp  teeth,  kept  the  puny 
monarch  at  bay.  While  he  stood  under  some  trepidation, 
fronting  his  antagonist,  and  bawling  to  the  waiter,  Sir  Ulic 

62 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

Mackilligut  came  to  his  assistance;  and,  seeming  ignorant  of 
the  connexion  between  this  intruder  and  his  mistress,  gave 
the  former  such  a  kick  in  the  jaws,  as  sent  him  howling  to 
the  door.  Mrs.  Tabitha,  incensed  at  this  outrage,  ran  after 
him,  squalling  in  a  tone  equally  disagreeable;  while  the  bar- 
onet followed  her  on  one  side,  making  apologies  for  his  mis- 
take; and  Derrick,  on  the  other,  making  remonstrances  upon 
the  rules  and  regulations  of  the  place. 

Far  from  being  satisfied  with  the  knight's  excuses,  she  said 
she  was  sure  he  was  no  gentleman;  and  when  the  master  of 
the  ceremonies  offered  to  hand  her  into  the  chair,  she  rapped 
him  over  the  knuckles  with  her  fan.  My  uncle's  footman 
being  still  at  the  door,  she  and  Chowder  got  into  the  same 
vehicle,  and  were  carried  off  amidst  the  jokes  of  the  chairmen 
and  other  populace.  I  had  been  riding  out  on  Qerkendown, 
and  happened  to  enter  just  as  the  fracas  was  over.  The  bar- 
onet, coming  up  to  me  with  an  affected  air  of  chagrin,  re- 
counted the  adventure ;  at  which  I  laughed  heartily,  and  then 
his  countenance  cleared  up.  "  My  dear  soul,"  said  he,  "  when 
I  saw  a  sort  of  wild  baist,  snarling  with  open  mouth  at  the 
master  of  the  ceremonies,  like  the  red  cow  going  to  devour 
Tom  Thumb,  I  could  not  do  less  than  go  to  the  assistance  of 
the  little  man ;  but  I  never  dreamt  the  baist  was  one  of  Mrs. 
Bramble's  attendants — O !  if  I  had,  he  might  have  made  his 
breakfast  upon  Derrick,  and  welcome;  but,  you  know,  my 
dear  friend,  how  natural  it  is  for  us  Irishmen  to  blunder,  and 
to  take  the  wrong  sow  by  the  ear.  However,  I  will  confess 
judgment,  and  cry  her  mercy;  and  'tis  to  be  hoped,  a  penitent 
sinner  may  be  forgiven."  I  told  him,  that  as  the  offence  was 
not  voluntary  on  his  side,  it  was  to  be  hoped  he  would  not 
find  her  implacable. 

But,  in  truth,  all  this  concern  was  dissembled.  In  his  ap- 
proaches of  gallantry  to  Mrs.  Tabitha,  he  had  been  misled  by 
a  mistake  of  at  least  six  thousand  pounds  in  the  calculation 
of  her  fortune;  and  in  this  particular  he  was  just  undeceived. 
He,  therefore,  seized  the  first  opportunity  of  incurring  her 
displeasure  decently,  in  such  a  manner  as  would  certainly  an- 
nihilate the  correspondence;  and  he  could  not  have  taken  a 
more  effectual  method,  than  that  of  beating  her  dog.  When 
he  presented  himself  at  our  door,  to  pay  his  respects  to  the 

6.^ 


^ 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

offended  fair,  he  was  refused  admittance ;  and  given  to  under- 
stand that  he  should  never  find  her  at  home  for  the  futtu'e. 
She  was  not  so  inaccessible  to  Derrick,  who  came  to  demand 
satisfaction  for  the  insult  she  had  offered  to  him,  even  in  the 
verge  of  his  own  court.  She  knew  it  was  convenient  to  be 
well  with  the  master  of  the  ceremonies,  while  she  continued 
to  frequent  the  rooms;  and,  having  heard  he  was  a  poet,  be- 
gan to  be  afraid  of  making  her  appearance  in  a  ballad  or 
lampoon.  She  therefore  made  excuses  for  what  she  had  done, 
imputing  it  to  the  flutter  of  her  spirits ;  and  subscribed  hand- 
somely for  his  poems.  So  that  he  was  perfectly  appeased, 
and  overwhelmed  her  with  a  profusion  of  compliments.  He 
even  solicited  a  reconciliation  with  Chowder,  which,  however, 
the  latter  dechned;  and  he  declared,  that  if  he  could  find  a 
precedent  in  the  annals  of  the  Bath,  which  he  would  carefully 
examine  for  that  purpose,  her  favourite  should  be  admitted 
to  the  next  public  breakfasting.  But,  I  believe,  she  will  not 
expose  herself  or  him  to  the  risk  of  a  second  disgrace.  Who 
will  supply  the  place  of  Mackilligut  in  her  affections,  I  can- 
not foresee;  but  nothing  in  the  shape  of  a  man  can  come 
amiss.  Though  she  is  a  violent  church-woman,  of  the  most 
intolerant  zeal,  I  believe  in  my  conscience  she  would  have  no 
objection,  at  present,  to  treat  on  the  score  of  matrimony  with 
an  Anabaptist,  Quaker,  or  Jew ;  and  even  ratify  the  treaty  at 
the  expense  of  her  own  conversion.  But,  perhaps,  I  think  too 
hardly  of  this  kinswoman;  who,  I  must  own,  is  very  little 
beholden  to  the  good  opinion  of,  yours,  J.  Melford. 

Bath,  May  6th. 


To  Dr.  Lewis. 

You  ask  me  why  I  don't  take  the  air  a-horseback,  during 
this  line  weather?  In  which  of  the  avenues  of  this  paradise 
would  you  have  me  take  that  exercise?  Shall  I  commit  my- 
self to  the  high  roads  of  London  or  Bristol,  to  be  stifled  with 
dust,  or  pressed  to  death  in  the  midst  of  post-chaises,  flying- 
machines,  waggons,  and  coal-horses;  besides  the  troops  of 
fine  gentlemen  that  take  to  the  highway,  to  show  their  horse- 
manship; and  the  coaches  of  fine  ladies,  who  go  thither  to 
show  their  equipages?    Shall  I  attempt  the  Downs,  and  fa- 

64 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

tigue  myself  to  death  in  climbing  up  an  eternal  ascent,  with- 
out any  hopes  of  reaching  the  summit?  Know,  then,  I  have 
made  divers  desperate  leaps  at  those  upper  regions;  but  al- 
ways fell  backwards  into  this  vapour-pit,  exhausted  and  dis- 
pirited by  those  ineffectual  efforts;  and  here  we  poor  valetu- 
dinarians pant  and  struggle,  like  so  many  Chinese  gudgeons, 
gasping  in  the  bottom  of  a  punch-bowL  By  Heaven,  it  is  a 
kind  of  enchantment !  If  I  do  not  speedily  break  the  spell, 
and  escape,  I  may  chance  to  give  up  the  ghost  in  this  nause- 
ous stew  of  corruption. — It  was  but  two  nights  ago  that  I 
had  like  to  have  made  my  public  exit,  at  a  minute's  warning. 
One  of  my  greatest  weaknesses,  is  that  of  suffering  myself  to 
be  overruled  by  the  opinion  of  people  whose  judgment  I  de- 
spise. I  own,  with  shame  and  confusion  of  face,  that  im- 
portunity of  any  kind  I  cannot  resist.  This  want  of  courage 
and  constancy  is  an  original  flaw  in  my  nature,  which  you 
must  have  often  observed  with  compassion,  if  not  with  con- 
tempt. I  am  afraid  some  of  our  boasted  virtues  may  be  traced 
up  to  this  defect. 

Without  further  preamble,  I  was  persuaded  to  go  to  a  ball, 
on  purpose  to  see  Liddy  dance  a  minuet  with  a  young  petu- 
lant jackanapes,  the  only  son  of  a  wealthy  undertaker  from 
London,  whose  mother  lodges  in  our  neighbourhood,  and  has 
contracted  an  acquaintance  with  Tabby.  I  sat  a  couple  of 
long  hours,  half-stifled,  in  the  midst  of  a  noisome  crowd,  and 
could  not  help  wondering  that  so  many  hundreds  of  those  that 
rank  as  rational  creatures,  could  find  entertainment  in  seeing 
a  succession  of  insipid  animals  describing  the  same  dull  figure 
for  a  whole  evening,  on  an  area  not  much  bigger  than  a  tai- 
lor's shop-board.  If  there  had  been  any  beauty,  grace,  activ- 
ity, magnificent  dress,  or  variety  of  any  kind,  howsoever  ab- 
surd, to  engage  the  attention  and  amuse  the  fancy,  I  should 
not  have  been  surprised ;  but  there  was  no  such  object ;  it  was 
a  tiresome  repetition  of  the  same  languid  frivolous  scene, 
performed  by  actors  that  seemed  to  sleep  in  all  their  motions. 
The  continual  swimming  of  those  phantoms  before  my  eyes, 
gave  me  a  swimming  of  the  head,  which  was  also  affected 
by  the  fouled  air,  circulating  through  such  a  number  of  rotten 
human  bellows.  I  therefore  retreated  towards  the  door,  and 
stood  in  the  passage  to  the  next  room,  talking  to  my  friend 

•  65     . 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

Quin;  when,  an  end  being  put  to  the  minuets,  the  benches 
were  removed  to  make  way  for  the  country  dances,  and  the 
muhitude  rising  at  once,  the  whole  atmosphere  was  put  in 
commotion.  Then,  all  of  a  sudden,  came  rushing  upon  me 
an  Egyptian  gale,  so  impregnated  with  pestilential  vapours, 
that  my  nerves  were  overpowered,  and  I  dropped  senseless 
upon  the  floor. 

You  may  easily  conceive  what  a  clamour  and  confusion 
this  accident  must  have  produced  in  such  an  assembly.  I 
soon  recovered,  however,  and  found  myself  in  an  easy  chair, 
supported  by  my  own  people.  Sister  Tabby,  in  her  great 
tenderness,  had  put  me  to  the  torture,  squeezing  my  head  un- 
der her  arm,  and  stuffing  my  nose  with  spirit  of  hartshorn, 
till  the  whole  inside  was  excoriated.     I  no  sooner  got  home 

than  I  sent  for  Dr.  Ch ,    who  assured  me  I  need  not 

be  alarmed,  for  my  swooning  was  entirely  occasioned  by  an 
accidental  impression  of  fetid  effluvia  upon  nerves  of  uncom- 
mon sensibility.  I  know  not  how  other  people's  nerves  are 
constructed,  but  one  would  imagine  they  must  be  made  of 
very  coarse  material,  to  stand  the  shock  of  such  a  horrid 
assault. 

It  was  indeed  a  compound  of  villanous  smells,  in  which  the 
most  violent  stinks  and  the  most  powerful  perfumes  con- 
tended for  the  mastery.  Imagine  to  yourself  a  high  exalted 
essence  of  mingled  odours  arising  from  putrid  gums,  im- 
posthumated  lungs,  sour  flatulencies,  rank  arm-pits,  sweating 
feet,  running  sores  and  issues;  plasters,  ointments,  and  em- 
brocations, Hungary  water,  spirit  of  lavender,  assafoetida 
drops,  musk,  hartshorn,  and  sal  volatile;  besides  a  thousand 
frowzy  steams  which  I  could  not  analyse.  Such,  O  Dick!  is 
the  fragrant  ether  we  breathe  in  the  polite  assemblies  of 
Bath ;  such  is  the  atmosphere  I  have  exchanged  for  the  pure, 
elastic,  animating  air  of  the  Welsh  mountains.  O  Rus,  quan- 
do  te  aspiciam!  I  wonder  what  the  devil  possessed  me — but 
few  words  are  best;  I  have  taken  my  resolution.  You  may 
well  suppose  I  don't  intend  to  entertain  the  company  with  a 
second  exhibition.  I  have  promised,  in  an  evil  hour,  to  pro- 
ceed to  London,  and  that  promise  shall  be  performed ;  but  my 
stay  in  the  metropolis  shall  be  brief.  I  have,  for  the  benefit 
of  my  health,  projected  an  expedition  to  the  north,  which  I 

66 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

hope  will  afford  some  agreeable  pastime.  I  have  never  trav- 
elled farther  that  way  than  Scarborough,  and  I  think  it  is  a 
reproach  upon  me,  as  a  British  freeholder,  to  have  lived  so 
long  without  making  an  excursion  to  the  other  side  of  the 
Tweed;  besides,  I  have  some  relations  settled  in  Yorkshire, 
to  whom  it  may  not  be  improper  to  introduce  my  nephew  and 
his  sister.  At  present  I  have  nothing  to  add,  but  that  Tabby 
is  happily  disentangled  from  the  Irish  baronet,  and  that  I 
will  not  fail  to  make  you  acquainted,  from  time  to  time,  with 
the  sequel  of  our  adventures,  a  mark  of  consideration  which 
perhaps  you  would  willingly  dispense  with  in 
Your  humble  servant, 
Bath,  May  8.  Matt.  Bramble. 


To  Sir  Watkin  Phillips,  Bart,  of  Jesus  Coll.,  Oxon. 

Dear  Phillips, — A  few  days  ago  we  were  terribly  alarmed 
by  my  uncle's  fainting  at  a  ball — He  has  been  ever  since  curs- 
ing his  own  folly,  for  going  thither  at  the  request  of  an  im- 
pertinent woman.  He  declares  he  will  sooner  visit  a  house 
infected  with  the  plague,  than  trust  himself  in  such  a  nause- 
ous spital  for  the  future,  for  he  swears  the  accident  was  oc- 
casioned by  the  stench  of  the  crowd ;  and  that  he  would  never 
desire  a  stronger  proof  of  our  being  made  of  very  gross 
materials,  than  our  having  withstood  the  annoyance  by  which 
he  was  so  much  discomposed.  For  my  part,  I  am  very  thank- 
ful for  the  coarseness  of  my  organs,  being  in  no  danger  of 
ever  falling  a  sacrifice  to  the  delicacy  of  my  nose.  Mr.  Bram- 
ble is  extravagantly  delicate  in  all  his  sensations,  both  of  soul 
and  body.  I  was  informed  by  Dr.  Lewis,  that  he  once  fought 
a  duel  with  an  officer  of  the  horse  guards,  for  turning  aside 
to  the  park  wall  on  a  necessary  occasion,  when  he  was  passing 
with  a  lady  under  his  protection.  His  blood  rises  at  every 
instance  of  insolence  and  cruelty,  even  where  he  himself  is 
no  way  concerned;  and  ingratitude  makes  his  teeth  chatter. 
On  the  other  hand,  the  recital  of  a  generous,  humane,  or 
grateful  action,  never  fails  to  draw  from  him  tears  of  appro- 
bation, which  he  is  often  greatly  distressed  to  conceal. 

Yesterday,  one  Paunceford  gave  tea  on  particular  invita- 
tion.   This  man,  after  having  been  long  buffeted  by  adversity, 

67 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

went  abroad;  and  fortune,  resolved  to  make  him  amends  for 
her  former  coyness,  set  him  all  at  once  up  to  the  very  ears  in 
affluence.  He  has  now  emerged  from  obscurity,  and  blazes 
out  in  all  the  tinsel  of  the  times,  I  don't  find  that  he  is 
charged  with  any  practices  that  the  law  deems  dishonest,  or 
that  his  wealth  has  made  him  arrogant  or  inaccessible ;  on  the 
contrary,  he  tai<es  great  pains  to  appear  affable  and  gracious. 
But,  they  say,  he  is  remarkable  for  shrinking  from  his  former 
friendships,  which  were  generally  too  plain  and  homespun  to 
appear  amidst  his  present  brilliant  connexions ;  and  that  he 
seems  uneasy  at  sight  of  some  old  benefactors,  whom  a  man 
of  honour  would  take  pleasure  to  acknowledge.  Be  that  as 
it  may,  he  had  so  effectually  engaged  the  company  at  Bath, 
that,  when  I  went  with  my  uncle  to  the  coffee-house  in  the 
evening,  there  was  not  a  soul  in  the  room  but  one  person, 
seemingly  in  years,  who  sat  by  the  fire,  reading  one  of  the 
papers.  Mr.  Bramble,  taking  his  station  close  by  him,  "  There 
is  such  a  crowd  and  confusion  of  chairs  in  the  passage  to 
Simpson's,"  said  he,  "  that  we  could  hardly  get  along.  I  wish 
those  minions  of  fortune  would  fall  upon  more  laudable  ways 
of  spending  their  money.  I  suppose,  sir,  you  like  this  kind  of 
entertainment  as  little  as  I  do  ?  " — "  I  can't  say  I  have  any 
great  relish  for  such  entertainments,"  answered  the  other, 
without  taking  his  eyes  off  the  paper. — "  Mr.  Serle,"  resumed 
my  uncle,  "  I  beg  pardon  for  interrupting  you ;  but  I  can't 
resist  the  curiosity  I  have  to  know  if  you  received  a  card  on 
this  occasion  ?  " 

The  man  seemed  surprised  at  this  address,  and  made  some 
pause,  as  doubtful  what  answer  he  should  make.  "  I  know 
my  curiosity  is  impertinent,"  added  my  uncle,  "  but  I  have  a 
particular  reason  for  asking  the  favour." — "  If  that  be  the 
case,"  replied  Mr.  Serle,  "  I  shall  gratify  you  without  hesita- 
tion, by  owning  that  I  have  had  no  card.  But,  give  me  leave, 
sir,  to  ask,  in  my  turn,  what  reason  you  think  I  have  to  expect 
such  an  invitation  from  the  gentleman  who  gives  tea?" — "  I 
have  my  own  reasons,"  cried  Mr.  Bramble,  with  some  emo- 
tion, "  and  am  convinced  more  than  ever,  that  this  Paunceford 
is  a  contemptible  fellow." — "  Sir,"  said  the  other,  laying  down 
the  paper,  "  I  have  not  the  honour  to  know  you,  but  your  dis- 
course is  a  little  mysterious,  and  seems  to  require  some  expla- 

68 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

nation.  The  person  you  are  pleased  to  treat  so  cavalierly  is  a 
gentleman  of  some  consequence  in  the  community;  and,  for 
aught  you  know,  I  may  also  have  my  particular  reasons  for 
defending  his  character  " — "  If  I  was  not  convinced  of  the 
contrary,"  observed  the  other,  "  I  should  not  have  gone  so 
far  " —  "  Let  me  tell  you,  sir,"  said  the  stranger,  raising  his 
voice,  "  you  have  gone  too  far  in  hazarding  such  reflec- 
tions "— 

Here  he  was  interrupted  by  my  uncle ;  who  asked  peevishly, 
if  he  was  Don  Quixote  enough  at  this  time  of  day,  to  throw 
down  his  gauntlet  as  champion  for  a  man  who  had  treated 
him  with  such  ungrateful  neglect  ?  "  For  my  part,"  added 
he,  "  I  shall  never  quarrel  with  you  again  upon  this  subject; 
and  what  I  have  said  now  has  been  suggested  as  much  by  my 
regard  for  you,  as  by  my  contempt  of  him  " —  Mr.  Serle 
then,  pulling  off  his  spectacles,  eyed  my  uncle  very  earnestly, 
saying,  in  a  mitigated  tone,  "  Surely  I  am  much  obliged — Ah, 
Mr.  Bramble,  I  now  recollect,  your  features,  though  I  have 
not  seen  you  these  many  years." — "  We  might  have  been  less 
strangers  to  one  another,"  answered  the  squire,  "  if  our  cor- 
respondence had  not  been  interrupted,  in  consequence  of  a 
misunderstanding  occasioned  by  this  very —  But  no  matter 
— Mr.  Serle,  I  esteem  your  character;  and  my  friendship, 
such  as  it  is,  you  may  freely  command." — "  The  offer  is  too 
agreeable  to  be  declined,"  said  he ;  "I  embrace  it  very  cor- 
dially; and,  as  the  first-fruits  of  it,  request  that  you  will 
change  this  subject,  which,  with  me,  is  a  matter  of  peculiar 
delicacy." 

My  uncle  owned  he  was  in  the  right,  and  the  discourse  took 
a  more  general  turn.  Mr.  Serle  passed  the  evening  with  us 
at  our  lodgings;  and  appeared  to  be  intelligent,  and  even  en- 
tertaining, but  his  disposition  was  rather  of  a  melancholy  hue. 
My  uncle  says  he  is  a  man  of  uncommon  parts  and  unques- 
tioned probity;  that  his  fortune,  which  was  originally  small, 
has  been  greatly  hurt  by  a  romantic  spirit  of  generosity, 
which  he  has  often  displayed,  even  at  the  expense  of  his  dis- 
cretion, in  favour  of  worthless  individuals.  That  he  had 
rescued  Paunceford  from  the  lowest  distress,  when  he  was 
Ijankrupt  both  in  means  and  reputation.  That  he  had  es- 
poused his  interests  with  a  degree  of  enthusiasm,  broke  with 

6q 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

several  friends,  and  even  drawn  his  sword  against  rtiy  uncle, 
who  had  particular  reasons  for  questioning  the  moral  charac- 
ter of  the  said  Paunceford.  That,  without  Serle's  countenance 
and  assistance  the  other  never  could  have  embraced  the  oppor- 
tunity, which  has  raised  him  to  this  pinnacle  of  wealth.  That 
Paunceford,  in  the  first  transports  of  his  success,  had  written, 
from  abroad,  letters  to  different  correspondents,  owning  his 
obligations  to  Mr.  Serle,  in  the  warmest  terms  of  acknowledg- 
ment, and  declaring  he  considered  himself  only  as  a  factor  for 
the  occasions  of  his  best  friend.  That,  without  doubt,  he  had 
made  declarations  of  the  same  nature  to  his  benefactor  him- 
self, though  this  last  was  always  silent  and  reserved  on  the 
subject;  but,  for  some  years,  those  tropes  and  figures  of  rhet- 
oric had  been  disused.  That  upon  his  return  to  England,  he 
had  been  lavish  in  his  caresses  to  Mr.  Serle,  invited  him  to 
his  house,  and  pressed  him  to  make  it  his  own.  That  he  had 
overwhelmed  him  with  general  professions,  and  affected  to 
express  the  warmest  regard  for  him,  in  company  of  their 
common  acquaintance;  so  that  everybody  believed  his  grati- 
tude was  as  liberal  as  his  fortune;  and  some  went  so  far  as 
to  congratulate  Mr.  Serle  on  both. 

All  this  time  Paunceford  carefully  and  artfully  avoided 
particular  discussions  with  his  old  patron,  who  had  too  much 
spirit  to  drop  the  most  distant  hint  of  balancing  the  account 
of  obligation.  That,  nevertheless,  a  man  of  his  feelings  could 
not  but  resent  this  shocking  return  for  all  his  kindness ;  and, 
therefore,  he  withdrew  himself  from  the  connexion,  without 
coming  to  the  least  explanation,  or  speaking  a  syllable  on  the 
subject  to  any  living  soul;  so  that  now  their  correspondence 
is  reduced  to  a  slight  salute  with  the  hat,  when  they  chance 
to  meet  in  any  public  place ;  an  accident  that  rarely  happens, 
for  their  walks  lie  different  ways.  Mr.  Paunceford  lives  in 
a  palace,  feeds  upon  dainties,  is  arrayed  in  sumptuous  apparel, 
appears  in  all  the  pomp  of  equipage,  and  passes  his  time 
among  the  nobles  of  the  land.  Serle  lodges  in  Stall  Street,  up 
two  pair  of  stairs  backwards,  walks  afoot  in  a  Bath  rug,  eats 
for  twelve  shillings  a  week,  and  drinks  water  as  a  preserva- 
tive against  the  gout  and  gravel. — Mark  the  vicissitude. 
Paunceford  once  resided  in  a  garret ;  where  he  subsisted  upon 
sheep's  trotters  and  cow-heel,  from  which  commons  he  was 

70 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

translated  to  the  table  of  Serle,  that  ever  abounded  with 
good  cheer,  until  want  of  economy  and  retention  reduced  him 
to  a  slender  annuity  in  his  decline  of  years,  that  scarce  affords 
the  bare  necessaries  of  life.  Paunceford,  however,  does  him 
the  honour  to  speak  of  him  still  with  uncommon  regard ;  and 
to  declare  what  pleasure  it  would  give  him  to  contribute  in 
any  shape  to  his  convenience.  "  But  you  know,"  he  never 
fails  to  add,  "  he's  a  shy  kind  of  a  man, — and  then  such  a 
perfect  philosopher,  that  he  looks  upon  all  superfluities  with 
the  most  sovereign  contempt." 

Having  given  you  this  sketch  of  Squire  Paunceford,  I  need 
not  make  any  comment  on  his  character,  but  leave  it  at  the 
mercy  of  your  own  reflection;  from  which,  I  dare  say,  it  will 
meet  with  as  little  quarter  as  it  has  found  with 
Yours  always, 

Bath,  May  lo.  J.  Melford. 


To  Mrs.  Mary  Jones,  at  Bramhleton  Hall. 

Dear  Molly, — We  are  all  upon  the  ving — Hey  for  Lon- 
don, girl ! — Fecks !  we  have  been  long  enough  here ;  for  we're 
all  turned  tipsey-turvey. — Mistress  has  excarded  Sir  Ulic  for 
kicking  of  Chowder;  and  I  have  sent  O  Frizzle  away,  with  a 
flea  in  his  ear. — I've  shown  him  how  little  I  minded  his  tinsy 
and  his  long  tail. — A  fellor,  who  would  think  for  to  go  for  to 
oft'er  to  take  up  with  a  dirty  troUep  under  my  nose.  I  ketched 
him  in  the  very  fact,  coming  out  of  the  house-maid's  garret; 
— but  I  have  gi'en  the  dirty  slut  a  siserary.  O  Molly!  the 
sarvants  at  Bath  are  devils  in  garnet.  They  lite  the  candle  at 
both  ends.  Here's  nothing  but  ginketting,  and  wasting,  and 
thieving,  and  tricking,  and  trigging ;  and  then  they  are  never 
content.  They  won't  suffer  the  squire  and  mistress  to  stay 
any  longer,  because  they  have  been  already  above  three  weeks 
in  the  house,  and  they  look  for  a  couple  of  ginneys  a  piece  at 
our  going  away;  and  this  is  a  parquisite  they  expect  every 
month  in  the  season,  being  as  how  no  family  has  a  right  to 
stay  longer  than  four  weeks  in  the  same  lodgings;  and  so 
the  cuck  swears  she  will  pin  the  dish-clout  to  mistress's  tail, 
and  the  house-maid  vows  she'll  put  cow-itch  in  master's  bed, 
if  so  be  he  don't  discamp  without  furder  ado.    I  don't  blame 

71 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

them  for  making  the  most  of  their  market,  in  the  way  of  vails 
and  parquisites ;  and  I  defy  the  devil  to  say  I  am  a  tail-carrier, 
or  ever  brought  a  poor  sarvant  into  trouble; — but  then  they 
ought  to  have  some  conscience  in  vronging  those  that  be 
sarvants  like  themselves. — For  you  must  no,  Molly,  I  missed 
three-quarters  of  blond  lace,  and  a  remnant  of  muslin,  and 
my  silver  thimble,  which  was  the  gift  of  true  love;  they  were 
all  in  my  work-basket,  that  I  left  upon  the  table  in  the  sar- 
vant's  hall,  when  mistress's  bell  rung;  but  if  they  had  been 
under  lock  and  kay,  'twould  have  been  all  the  same,  for  there 
are  double  kays  to  all  the  locks  in  Bath ;  and  they  say  as  how 
the  very  teeth  an't  safe  in  your  head,  if  you  sleep  with  your 
mouth  open.  And  so,  says  I  to  myself,  them  things  could  not 
go  without  hands,  and  so  I'll  watch  their  waters;  and  so  I  did 
with  a  vitness — for  then  it  was  I  found  Bett  consarned  with 
O  Frizzle.  And  as  the  cuck  had  thrown  her  slush  at  me,  be- 
cause I  had  taken  part  with  Chowder,  when  he  fit  with  the 
turnspit,  I  resolved  to  make  a  clear  kitchen,  and  throw  some 
of  her  fat  into  the  fire. 

I  ketched  the  charewoman  going  out  with  her  load  in  the 
morning,  before  she  thought  I  was  up,  and  brought  her  to 
mistress  with  her  whole  cargo.  Marry,  what  do'st  think  she 
had  got  in  the  name  of  God  ?  Her  buckets  were  foaming  full 
of  our  best  beer,  and  her  lap  was  stuffed  with  a  cold  tongue, 
part  of  a  buttock  of  beef,  half  a  turkey,  and  a  swinging  lump 
of  butter,  and  the  matter  of  ten  moulded  kandles,  that  had 
scarce  ever  been  lit.  The  cuck  brazened  it  out,  and  said,  it 
was  her  rite  to  rummage  the  pantry,  and  she  was  ready  for  to 
go  before  the  mare;  that  he  had  been  her  potticary  many 
years,  and  would  never  think  of  hurting  a  poor  sarvant,  for 
giving  away  the  scraps  of  the  kitchen.  I  went  another  way 
to  work  with  Madam  Betty,  because  she  had  been  saucy,  and 
called  me  skandelus  names ;  and  said  O  Frizzle  couldn't  abide 
me,  and  twenty  other  odorous  falsehoods.  I  got  a  varrant 
from  the  mare,  and  her  box  being  sarched  by  the  constable, 
my  things  came  out  sure  enuflf ;  besides  a  full  pound  of  vax 
candles,  and  a  nite-cap  of  mistress,  that  I  could  sware  to  on 
my  cruperal  oaf.  O !  then  Madam  Mopstick  came  upon  her 
merrybones;  and  as  the  squire  wouldn't  hare  of  a  pursecu- 

72 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

tion,  she  escaped  a  skewering ;  but,  the  longest  day  she  has  to 
live,  she'll  remember  your  Humble  servant, 

Bath,  May  15.  Winefred  Jenkins. 

If  the  hind  should  come  again,  before  we  begone,  pray 
send  me  the  shift  and  apron,  with  the  vite  gallow  manky 
shoes,  which  you'll  find  in  my  pillober.    Service  to  Saul. 


To  Sir  Watkin  Phillips,  Bart,  of  Jesus  Coll.,  Oxon. 

You  are  in  the  right,  dear  Phillips;  I  don't  expect  regular 
answers  to  every  letter — I  know  a  college  life  is  too  circum- 
scribed to  afford  materials  for  such  quick  returns  of  commu- 
nication. For  my  part,  I  am  continually  shifting  the  scene, 
and  surrounded  with  new  objects,  some  of  which  are  striking 
enough.  I  shall  therefore  conclude  my  journal  for  your 
amusement;  and  though,  in  all  appearance,  it  will  not  treat 
of  very  important  or  interesting  particulars,  it  may  prove, 
perhaps,  not  altogether  uninstructive  and  unentertaining. 

The  music  and  entertainments  of  Bath  are  over  for  this 
season;  and  all  our  gay  birds  of  passage  have  taken  their 
flight  to  Bristol  Well,  Tunbridge,  Brighthelmstone,  Scarbor- 
ough, Harrowgate,  etc.  Not  a  soul  is  seen  in  this  place,  but 
a  few  broken-winded  parsons,  waddling  like  so  many  crows 
along  the  North  Parade.  There  is  always  a  great  show  of 
clergy  at  Bath ;  none  of  your  thin,  puny,  yellow,  hectic  figures, 
exhausted  with  abstinence  and  hard  study,  labouring  under 
the  morbi  eruditorum;  but  great  overgrown  dignitaries  and 
rectors,  with  rubicund  noses  and  gouty  ankles,  or  broad 
bloated  faces,  dragging  along  great  swag  bellies,  the  emblems 
of  sloth  and  indigestion. 

Now  we  are  upon  the  subject  of  parsons,  I  must  tell  you  a 
ludicrous  adventure,  which  was  achieved  the  other  day  by 
Tom  Eastgate,  whom  you  may  remember  on  the  foundation 
of  Queen's.  Pie  had  been  very  assiduous  to  pin  himself  upon 
George  Prankley,  who  was  a  gentleman  commoner  of  Christ 
Church,  knowing  the  said  Prankley  was  heir  to  a  considerable 
estate,  and  would  have  the  advowson  of  a  good  living,  the  in- 
cumbent of  which  was  very  old  and  infirm.  He  studied  his 
passions,  and  flattered  them  so  effectually,  as  to  become  his 

73 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

companion  and  counsellor;  and  at  last  obtained  of  him  a 
promise  of  the  presentation,  when  the  living  should  fall. 
Prankley,  on  his  uncle's  death,  quitted  Oxford,  and  made  his 
first  appearance  in  the  fashionable  world  at  London;  from 
whence  he  came  lately  to  Bath,  where  he  has  been  exhibiting 
himself  among  the  bucks  and  gamesters  of  the  place.  East- 
gate  followed  him  hither ;  but  he  should  not  have  quitted  him 
for  a  moment,  at  his  first  emerging  into  life.  He  ought  to 
have  known  he  was  a  fantastic,  foolish,  fickle  fellow,  who 
would  forget  his  college  attachments  the  moment  they  ceased 
appealing  to  his  senses.  Tom  met  with  a  cold  reception  from 
his  old  friend;  and  was,  moreover,  informed,  that  he  had 
promised  the  living  to  another  man,  who  had  a  vote  in  the 
county,  where  he  proposed  to  offer  himself  a  candidate  at 
the  next  general  election.  He  now  remembered  nothing  of 
Eastgate,  but  the  freedoms  he  had  used  to  take  with  him, 
while  Tom  had  quietly  stood  his  butt,  with  an  eye  to  the  bene- 
fice; and  those  freedoms  he  began  to  repeat  in  commonplace 
sarcasms  on  his  person  and  his  cloth,  which  he  uttered  in  the 
public  coffee-house,  for  the  entertainment  of  the  company. 
But  he  was  egregiously  mistaken  in  giving  his  own  wit  credit 
for  that  tameness  of  Eastgate,  which  had  been  entirely  owing 
to  prudential  considerations.  These  being  now  removed,  he 
retorted  his  repartee  with  interest,  and  found  no  great  diffi- 
culty in  turning  the  laugh  upon  the  aggressor;  who,  losing 
his  temper,  called  him  names,  and  asked,  //  he  knew*  whom 
he  talked  to?  After  much  altercation,  Prankley,  shaking  his 
cane,  bid  him  hold  his  tongue,  otherwise  he  would  dust  his 
cassock  for  him.  "  I  have  no  pretensions  to  such  a  varlet," 
said  Tom,  "  but  if  you  should  do  me  that  office,  and  overheat 
yourself,  I  have  here  a  good  oaken  towel  at  your  service." 

Prankley  was  equally  incensed  and  confounded  at  this  re- 
ply. After  a  moment's  pause,  he  took  him  aside  towards  the 
window,  and,  pointing  to  the  clump  of  firs  on  Clerkendown, 
asked  in  a  whisper,  if  he  had  spirit  enough  to  meet  him  there, 
with  a  case  of  pistols,  at  six  o'clock  to-morrow  morning? 
Eastgate  answered  in  the  affirmative;  and,  with  a  steady 
countenance,  assured  him,  he  would  not  fail  to  give  him  the 
rendezvous  at  the  hour  he  mentioned.  So  saying,  he  retired ; 
and  the  challenger  stayed  some  time  in  manifest  agitation.    In 

74 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

the  morning  Eastgate,  who  knew  his  man,  and  had  taken  his 
resolution,  went  to  Prankley's  lodgings,  and  roused  him  by 
five  o'clock. 

The  squire,  in  all  probability,  cursed  his  punctuality  in  his 
heart,  but  he  affected  to  talk  big;  and,  having  prepared  his 
artillery  overnight,  they  crossed  the  water  at  the  end  of  the 
South  Parade.  In  their  progress  up  the  hill,  Prankley  often 
eyed  the  parson,  in  hopes  of  perceiving  some  reluctance  in 
his  countenance ;  but  as  no  such  marks  appeared,  he  attempted 
to  intimidate  him  by  word  of  modth.  "  If  these  flints  do  their 
office,"  said  he,  "  I'll  do  thy  business  in  a  few  minutes." — "  I 
desire  you  will  do  your  best,"  replied  the  other ;  "  for  my  part, 
I  come  not  here  to  trifle.  Our  lives  are  in  the  hands  of  God ; 
and  one  of  us  already  totters  on  the  brink  of  eternity."  This 
remark  seemed  to  make  some  impression  upon  the  squire,  who 
changed  countenance,  and  with  a  faltering  accent  observed, 
"  That  it  ill  became  a  clergyman  to  be  concerned  in  quarrels 
and  bloodshed." — ''  Your  insolence  to  me,"  said  Eastgate, 
"  I  should  have  bor[n]e  with  patience,  had  not  you  cast  the 
most  infamous  reflections  upon  my  order,  the  honour  of  which 
I  think  myself  in  duty  bound  to  maintain,  even  at  the  expense 
of  my  heart's  blood ;  and  surely  it  can  be  no  crime  to  put  out 
of  the  world  a  profligate  wretch,  without  any  sense  of  prin- 
ciple, morality,  or  religion." — "  Thou  mayest  take  away  my 
life,"  cried  Prankley,  in  great  perturbation,  "  but  don't  go  to 
murdef  my  character — What !  hast  got  no  conscience  ?  " — 
"  My  conscience  is  perfectly  quiet,"  replied  the  other ;  "  and 
now,  sir,  we  are  upon  the  spot — Take  your  ground  as  near  as 
you  please;  prime  your  pistol;  and  the  Lord,  of  his  infinite 
mercy,  have  compassion  upon  your  miserable  soul ! " 

This  ejaculation  he  pronounced  in  a  loud,  solemn  tone,  with 
his  hat  off,  and  his  eyes  lifted  up ;  then  drawing  a  large  horse- 
pistol,  he  presented,  and  put  himself  in  a  posture  of  action. 
Prankley  took  his  distance,  and  endeavoured  to  prime;  but 
his  hand  shook  with  such  violence,  that  he  found  this  opera- 
tion impracticable.  His  antagonist,  seeing  how  it  was  with 
him,  offered  his  assistance,  and  advanced  for  that  purpose; 
when  the  poor  squire,  exceedingly  alanned  at  what  he  had 
heard  and  seen,  desired  the  action  might  be  deferred  till  next 
day,  as  he  had  not  settled  his  affairs.     "  I  ha'n't  made  my 

75 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

will/'  said  he;  "my  sisters  are  not  provided  for;  and  I  just 
now  recollect  an  old  promise,  which  my  conscience  tells  me  I 
ought  to  perform — I'll  first  convince  thee,  that  I'm  not  a 
wretch  without  principle,  and  then  thou  shalt  have  an  oppor- 
tunity to  take  my  life,  which  thou  seemest  to  thirst  after 
eagerly." 

Eastgate  understood  the  hint;  and  told  him,  that  one  day 
should  break  no  squares ;  adding,  "  God  forbid  that  I  should 
be  the  means  of  hindering  you  from  acting  the  part  of  an  hon- 
est man,  and  a  dutiful  brother."  By  virtue  of  this  cessation, 
they  returned  peaceably  together.  Prankley  forthwith  made 
out  the  presentation  of  the  living,  and  delivered  it  to  Eastgate, 
telling  him,  at  the  same  time,  he  had  now  settled  his  affairs, 
and  was  ready  to  attend  him  to  the  fir-grove;  but  Tom  de- 
clared he  could  not  think  of  lifting  his  hand  against  the  life 
of  so  great  a  benefactor.  He  did  more.  When  they  next  met 
at  the  coffee-house,  he  asked  pardon  of  Mr.  Prankiey,  if  in 
his  passion  he  had  said  anything  to  give  him  offence ;  and  the 
squire  was  so  gracious  as  to  forgive  him  with  a  cordial  shake 
of  the  hand,  declaring  that  he  did  not  like  to  be  at  variance 
with  an  old  college  companion.  Next  day,  however,  he  left 
Bath  abruptly;  and  then  Eastgate  told  me  all  these  particu- 
lars, not  a  little  pleased  with  the  effects  of  his  own  sagacity, 
by  which  he  has  secured  a  living  worth  ii6o  per  annum. 

Of  my  uncle  I  have  nothing  at  present  to  say ;  but  that  we 
set  out  to-morrow  for  London  en  famille.  He  and  the  ladies, 
with  the  maid  and  Chowder  in  a  coach ;  I  and  the  man-servant 
a-horseback.  The  particulars  of  our  journey  you  shall  have 
in  my  next,  provided  no  accident  happens  to  prevent  yours 
ever,  J.  Melford. 

Bath,  May  17. 


To  Dr.  Lewis, 

Dear  Dick^ — I  shall  to-morrow  set  out  for  London,  where 
I  have  bespoke  lodgings  at  Mrs.  Norton's  in  Golden  Square. 
Although  I  am  no  admirer  of  Bath,  I  shall  leave  it  with  re- 
gret ;  because  I  must  part  with  some  old  friends,  whom,  in  all 
probability,  I  shall  never  see  again.  In  the  course  of  coffee- 
house conversation,  I   had  often  heard  very  extraordinary 

r.6  . 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

encomiums  passed  on  the  performances  of  Mr.  T ,  a  gen- 
tleman residing  in  this  place,  who  paints  landscapes  for  his 
amusement.  As  I  have  no  great  confidence  in  the  taste  and 
judgment  of  coffee-house  connoisseurs,  and  never  received 
much  pleasure  from  this  branch  of  the  art,  those  general 
praises  made  no  impression  at  all  on  my  curiosity;  but,  at  the 
request  of  a  particular  friend,  I  went  yesterday  *o  see  the 
pieces  which  had  been  so  warmly  commended.  I  must  own  I 
am  no  judge  of  painting,  though  very  fond  of  pictures.  I 
don't  imagine  that  my  senses  would  play  me  so  false,  as  to 
betray  me  into  admiration  of  anything  that  was  very  bad; 
but,  true  it  is,  I  have  often  overlooked  capital  beauties,  in 
pieces  of  extraordinary  merit.  If  I  am  not  totally  devoid  of 
taste,  however,  this  young  gentleman  of  Bath  is  the  best 
landscape  painter  now  living;  I  was  struck  with  his  perform- 
ances in  such  a  manner  as  I  had  never  been  by  painting  before. 
His  trees  not  only  have  a  richness  of  foliage,  and  warmth  of 
colouring,  which  delights  the  view ;  but  also  a  certain  magnifi- 
cence in  the  disposition,  and  spirit  in  the  expression,  which  I 
cannot  describe.  His  management  of  the  chiaro  oscuro,  or 
light  and  shadow,  especially  gleams  of  sunshine,  is  altogether 
wonderful,  both  in  the  contrivance  and  execution;  and  he  is 
so  happy  in  his  perspective,  and  marking  his  distances  at  sea, 
by  a  progressive  series  of  ships,  vessels,  capes,  and  promon- 
tories, that  I  could  not  help  thinking  I  had  a  distant  view  of 
thirty  leagues  upon  the  background  of  the  picture.  If  there 
is  any  taste  for  ingenuity  left  in  a  degenerate  age,  fast  sinking 
into  barbarism,  this  artist,  I  apprehend,  will  make  a  capital 
figure,  as  soon  as  his  works  are  known. 

Two  days  ago,  I  was  favoured  with  a  visit  by  Mr.  Fitzowen, 
who,  with  great  formality,  solicited  my  vote  and  interest 
at  the  general  election.  I  ought  not  to  have  been  shocked  at 
the  confidence  of  this  man;  though  it  was  remarkable,  con- 
sidering what  had  passed  between  him  and  me  on  a  former 
occasion.  These  visits  are  mere  matter  of  form,  which  a 
candidate  makes  to  every  elector,  even  to  those  who,  he  knows, 
are  engaged  in  the  interest  of  his  competitor,  lest  he  should 
expose  himself  to  the  imputation  of  pride,  at  a  time  when  it  is 
expected  he  should  appear  humble. .  Indeed,  I  know  nothing 
so  abject  as  the  behaviour  of  a  man  canvassing  for  a  seat  in 

77 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

parliament.  This  mean  prostration  (to  borough  electors 
especially)  has,  I  imagine,  contributed  in  a  great  measure  to 
raise  that  spirit  of  insolence  among  the  vulgar,  which,  Uke 
the  devil,  will  be  found  very  difficult  to  lay.  Be  that  as  it 
may,  I  was  in  some  confusion  at  the  effrontery  of  Fitzowen; 
but  I  soon  recollected  myself,  and  told  him,  I  had  not  yet  de- 
termined for  whom  I  should  give  my  vote,  nor  whether  I 
should  give  it  for  any.  The  truth  is,  I  look  upon  both  candi- 
dates in  the  same  light ;  and  should  think  myself  a  traitor  to 
the  constitution  of  my  country,  if  I  voted  for  either.  If  every 
elector  would  bring  the  same  consideration  home  to  his  con- 
science, we  should  not  have  such  reason  to  exclaim  against  the 
venality  of  p ^ts.  But  we  are  all  a  pack  of  venal  and  cor- 
rupted rascals ;  so  lost  to  all  sense  of  honesty,  and  all  tender- 
ness of  character,  that,  in  a  little  time,  I  am  fully  persuaded, 
nothing  will  be  infamous  but  virtue  and  public  spirit. 

G.  H ,  who  is  really  an  enthusiast  in  patriotism,  and 

represented  the  capital  in  several  successive  parliaments,  de- 
clared to  me  t'other  day,  with  the  tears  in  his  eyes,  that  he  had 
lived  above  thirty  years  in  the  city  of  London,  and  dealt  in  the 
way  of  commerce  with  all  the  citizens  of  note  in  their  turns; 
but  that,  as  he  should  answer  to  God,  he  had  never,  in  the 
whole  course  of  his  life,  found  above  three  or  four  whom  he 
could  call  thoroughly  honest ;  a  declaration,  which  was  rather 
mortifying  than  surprising  to  me,  who  have  found  so  few  men 
of  worth  in  the  course  of  my  acquaintance,  that  they  serve  only 
as  exceptions;    which,  in  the  grammarian's  phrase,  confirm 

and  prove  a  general  canon.     I  know  you  will  say,  G.  H 

saw  imperfectly  through  the  mist  of  prejudice,  and  I  am 
rankled  by  the  spleen.  Perhaps  you  are  partly  in  the  right; 
for  I  have  perceived  that  my  opinion  of  mankind,  like  mer- 
cury in  the  thermometer,  rises  and  falls  according  to  the  vari- 
ations of  the  weather. 

Pray  settle  accounts  with  Barnes ;  take  what  money  of  mine 
is  in  his  hands,  and  give  him  acquittance. — If  you  think 
Davis  has  stock  or  credit  enough  to  do  justice  to  the  farm, 
give  him  a  discharge  for  the  rent  that  is  due :  This  will  ani- 
mate his  industry ;  for  I  know  that  nothing  is  so  discourag- 
ing to  a  farmer,  as  the  thoughts  of  being  in  arrears  with  his 
landlord.     He  becomes  dispirited,  and  neglects  his  labour; 

78 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

and  so  the  farm  goes  to  wreck.  Tabby  has  been  clamouring 
for  some  days  about  the  lamb's  skin  which  Williams  the  hind 
begged  of  me  when  he  was  last  at  Bath.  Prithee  take  it  back, 
paying  the  fellow  the  full  value  of  it,  that  I  may  have  some 
peace  in  my  own  house ;  and  let  him  keep  his  own  counsel,  if 
he  means  to  keep  his  place.  O !  I  shall  never  presume  to 
despise  or  censure  any  poor  man  for  suffering  himself  to  be 
henpecked ;  conscious  how  I  myself  am  obliged  to  truckle  to 
a  domestic  demon ;  even  though,  blessed  be  God,  she  is  not 
yoked  with  me  for  life,  in  the  matrimonial  waggon.  She  has 
quarrelled  with  the  servants  of  the  house  about  vails;  and 
such  intolerable  scolding  ensued  on  both  sides,  that  I  have  been 
fain  to  appease  the  cook  and  chambermaid  by  stealth.  Can't 
you  find  some  poor  gentleman  of  Wales,  to  take  this  precious 
commodity  off  the  hands  of  yours,  M.  Bramble. 

Bath,  May  19. 


To  Dr.  Lewis. 

Dr.  Lewis, — Give  me  leaf  to  tell  you,  methinks  you  mought 
employ  your  talons  better,  than  to  encourage  servants  to  pil- 
lage their  masters.  I  find  by  Gwyllim,  that  Villiams  has  got 
my  skin;  for  which  he  is  an  impotent  rascal.  He  has  not 
only  got  my  skin,  but,  moreover,  my  butter-milk  to  fatten  his 
pigs ;  and,  I  suppose,  the  next  thing  he  gets,  will  be  my  pad 
to  carry  his  daughter  to  church  and  fair :  Roger  gets  this,  and 
Roger  gets  that ;  but  I'd  have  you  to  know,  I  won't  be  rogered 
at  this  rate  by  any  ragmatical  fellow  in  the  kingdom — ^And  I 
am  surprised.  Doctor  Lews,  you  would  offer  to  put  my  affairs 
in  composition  with  the  refuge  and  skim  of  the  hearth.  I  have 
toiled  and  moyled  to  a  good  purpuss,  for  the  advantage  of 
Matt's  family,  if  I  can't  safe  as  much  owl  as  will  make  me  an 
under-petticoat.  As  for  the  butter-milk,  ne'er  a  pig  in  the 
parish  shall  thrust  his  snout  in  it,  with  my  goodwill.  There's 
a  famous  physician  at  the  Hot  Well,  that  prescribes  it  to  his 
patience,  when  the  case  is  consumptive ;  and  the  Scots  and  the 
Irish  have  begun  to  drink  it  already,  in  such  quantities,  that 
there  is  not  a  drop  left  for  the  hogs  in  the  whole  neighbour- 
hood of  Bristol.  I'll  have  our  butter-milk  barelled  up,  and 
sent  twice  a  week  to  Aberginny,  where  it  may  be  sold  for  a 

79 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

halfpenny  the  quart ;  and  so  Roger  may  carry  his  pigs  to  an- 
other market.  I  hope,  doctor,  you  will  not  go  to  put  any  more 
such  phims  in  my  brother's  head,  to  the  prejudice  of  my 
pockat;  but  rather  give  me  some  raisins  (which  hitherto  you 
have  not  done)  to  subscribe  myself  your  humble  servant, 
Bath,  May  19.  Tab.  Bramble. 


To  Sir  Watkin  Phillips^  of  Jesus  College,  Oxon. 

Dear  Phillips, — Without  waiting  for  your  ansv/er  to  my 
last,  I  proceed  to  give  you  an  account  of  our  journey  to  Lon- 
don, which  has  not  been  wholly  barren  of  adventure.  Tues- 
day last,  the  squire  took  his  place  in  a  hired  coach  and  four, 
accompanied  by  his  sister  and  mine,  and  Mrs.  Tabby's  maid, 
Winifred  Jenkins,  whose  province  it  was  to  support  Chowder 
on  a  cushion  in  her  lap.  I  could  scarce  refrain  from  laugh- 
ing, when  I  looked  into  the  vehicle,  and  saw  that  animal  sitting 
opposite  to  my  uncle,  like  any  other  passenger.  The  squire, 
ashamed  of  his  situation,  blushed  to  the  eyes ;  and,  calling  to 
the  postillions  to  drive  on,  pulled  the  glass  up  in  my  face.  I, 
and  his  servant  John  Thomas,  attended  him  on  horseback. 

Nothing  worth  mentioning  occurred,  till  we  arrived  on  the 
edge  of  Marlborough  Downs.  There  one  of  the  fore  horses 
fell,  in  going  down  hill  at  a  round  trot ;  and  the  postillion  be- 
hind, endeavouring  to  stop  the  carriage,  pulled  it  on  one  side 
into  a  deep  rut,  where  it  was  fairly  overturned.  I  had  rode 
on  about  two  hundred  yards  before;  but,  hearing  a  loud 
scream,  galloped  back  and  dismounted,  to  give  what  assistance 
was  in  my  power.  When  I  looked  into  the  coach,  I  could  see 
nothing  distinctly,  but  the  nether  end  of  Jenkins,  who  was 
kicking  her  heels  and  squalling  with  great  vociferation.  All 
of  a  sudden,  my  uncle  thrust  up  his  bare  pate,  and  bolted 
through  the  window,  as  nimble  as  a  grasshopper,  having  made 
use  of  poor  Win's  posteriors  as  a  step  to  rise  in  his  ascent. — 
The  man,  who  had  likewise  quitted  his  horse,  dragged  this 
forlorn  damsel,  more  dead  than  alive,  through  the  same  open- 
ing. Then  Mr.  Bramble,  pulling  the  door  off  its  hinges  with 
a  jerk,  laid  hold  on  Liddy's  arm,  and  brought  her  to  the  light, 
very  much  frighted,  but  little  hurt.  It  fell  to  my  share  to 
deliver  our  aunt  Tabitha,  who  had  lost  her  cap  in  the  struggle ; 

80 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

and,  being  rather  more  than  half  frantic  with  rage  and  terror, 
was  no  bad  representation  of  one  of  the  sister  furies  that  guard 
the  gates  of  hell.  She  expressed  no  sort  of  concern  for  her 
brother,  who  ran  about  in  the  cold,  without  his  periwig,  and 
worked  with  the  most  astonishing  agility,  in  helping  to  disen- 
tangle the  horses  from  the  carriage.  But  she  cried,  in  a  tone 
of  distraction,  "  Chowder !  Chowder !  my  dear  Chowder !  my 
poor  Chowder  is  certainly  killed !  " 

This  was  not  the  case — Chowder,  after  having  tore  my 
uncle's  leg  in  the  confusion  of  the  fall,  had  retreated  under  the 
seat,  and  from  thence  the  footman  drew  him  by  the  neck ;  for 
which  good  office  he  bit  his  fingers  to  the  bone.  The  fellow, 
who  is  naturally  surly,  was  so  provoked  at  this  assault,  that  he 
saluted  his  ribs  with  a  hearty  kick,  exclaiming,  "  D — n  the 
nasty  son  of  a  bitch,  and  them  he  belongs  to !  "  '  A  benediction, 
which  was  by  no  means  lost  upon  the  implacable  virago,  his 
mistress.  Her  brother,  however,  prevailed  upon  her  to  retire 
into  a  peasant's  house,  near  the  scene  of  action,  where  his  head 
and  her's  were  covered,  and  poor  Jenkins  had  a  fit.  Our  next 
care  was  to  apply  some  sticking-plaster  to  the  wound  in  his 
leg,  which  exhibited  the  impression  of  Chowder's  teeth;  but 
he  never  opened  his  lips  against  the  delinquent.  Mrs.  Tabby, 
alarmed  at  this  scene,  "  You  say  nothing,  Matt,"  cried  she, 
"  but  I  know  your  mind. — I  know  the  spite  you  have  to  that 
poor  unfortunate  animal !  I  know  you  intend  to  take  his  life 
away !  " — "  You  are  mistaken,  upon  my  honour !  "  replied  the 
squire,  with  a  sarcastic  smile ;  "  I  should  be  incapable  of  har- 
bouring any  such  cruel  design  against  an  object  so  amiable  and 
inoffensive ;  even  if  he  had  not  the  happiness  to  be  your  fa- 
vourite." 

John  Thomas  was  not  so  delicate.  The  fellow,  whether 
really  alarmed  for  his  life,  or  instigated  by  the  desire  of  re- 
venge, came  in,  and  bluntly  demanded  that  the  dog  should  be 
put  to  death ;  on  the  supposition,  that,  if  ever  he  should  run 
mad  hereafter,  he,  who  had  been  bit  by  him,  would  be  infected. 
My  uncle  calmly  argued  upon  the  absurdity  of  his  opinion, 
observing,  that  he  himself  was  in  the  same  predicament,  and 
would  certainly  take  the  precaution  he  proposed,  if  he  was  not 
sure  he  ran  no  risk  of  infection.  Nevertheless,  Thomas  con- 
tinued obstinate ;  and,  at  length,  declared,  that  if  the  dog  was 

•  8i 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

not  shot  immediately,  he  himself  would  be  his  executioner. 
This  declaration  opened  the  floodgates  of  Tabby's  eloquence, 
which  would  have  shamed  the  first-rate  oratress  of  Billings- 
gate. The  footman  retorted  in  the  same  style ;  and  the  squire 
dismissed  him  from  his  service,  after  having  prevented  me 
from  giving  him  a  good  horsewhipping  for  his  Insolence. 

The  coach  being  adjusted,  another  difficulty  occurred — Mrs. 
Tabitha  absolutely  refused  to  enter  it  again,  unless  another 
driver  could  be  found  to  take  the  place  of  the  postillion ;  who, 
she  affirmed,  had  overturned  the  carriage  from  malice  afore- 
thought. After  much  dispute,  the  man  resigned  his  place  to 
a  shabby  country  fellow,  who  undertook  to  go  as  far  as  Marl- 
borough, where  they  could  be  better  provided;  and  at  that 
place  we  arrived  about  one  o'clock,  without  farther  impedi- 
ment. Mrs.  Bramble,  however,  found  new  matter  of  offence ; 
which  indeed  she  had  a  particular  genius  for  extracting  at 
will  from  almost  every  incident  in  life.  We  had  scarce  entered 
the  room  at  Marlborough,  where  we  stayed  to  dine,  when  she 
exhibited  a  formal  complaint  against  the  poor  fellow  who  had 
superseded  the  postillion.  She  said  he  was  such  a  beggarly 
rascal,  that  he  had  ne'er  a  shirt  to  his  back;  and  had  the  im- 
pudence to  shock  her  sight  by  showing  his  posteriors,  for 
which  act  of  indelicacy  he  deserved  to  be  set  in  the  stocks. 
Mrs.  Winifred  Jenkins  confirmed  the  assertion,  with  respect 
to  his  nakedness,  observing,  at  the  same  time,  that  he  had  a 
skin  as  fair  as  alabaster. 

"  This  is  a  heinous  offence,  indeed,"  cried  my  uncle ;  "  let 
us  hear  what  the  fellow  has  to  say  in  his  own  vindication." 
He  was  accordingly  summoned,  and  made  his  appearance, 
which  was  equally  queer  and  pathetic.  He  seemed  to  be  about 
twenty  years  of  age,  of  a  middling  size,  with  bandy  legs,  stoop- 
ing shoulders,  high  forehead,  sandy  locks,  pinking  eyes,  flat 
nose,  and  long  chin ;  but  his  complexion  was  of  a  sickly  yel- 
low. His  looks  denoted  famine;  and  the  rags  that  he  wore 
could  hardly  conceal  what  decency  requires  to  be  covered. 
My  uncle,  having  surveyed  him  attentively,  said,  with  an 
ironical  expression  in  his  countenance,  "  An't  you  ashamed, 
fellow,  to  ride  postillion  without  a  shirt  to  cover  your  backside 
from  the  view  of  the  ladies  in  the  coach  ?  " — "  Yes,  I  am,  an' 
please  your  noble  honour,"  answered  the  man ;  "  but  necessity 

82 


Humphry's  Introduction  to  the 
Bramble  Family 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

has  no  law,  as  the  saying  is — And  more  than  that,  it  was  an 
accident — My  breeches  cracked  behind,  after  I  got  into  the 
saddle  " —  "  You're  an  impudent  varlet,"  cried  Mrs.  Tabby, 
"  for  presuming  to  ride  before  persons  of  fashion  without  a 
shirt " —  "  I  am  so,  an'  please  your  worthy  ladyship,"  said 
he ;  "  but  Fm  a  poor  Wiltshire  lad.  I  ha'n't  a  shirt  in  the 
world  that  I  can  call  my  own,  nor  a  rag  of  clothes,  an'  please 
your  ladyship,  but  what  you  see — I  have  no  friend  nor  relation 
upon  earth  to  help  me  out — I  have  had  the  fever  and  ague 
these  six  months,  and  spent  all  I  had  in  the  world  upon  doc- 
tors, and  to  keep  soul  and  body  together;  and,  saving  your 
ladyship's  good  presence,  I  ha'n't  broke  bread  these  four-and- 
twenty  hours  " — 

Mrs.  Bramble,  turning  from  him,  said  she  had  never  seen 
such  a  filthy  tatterdemalion,  and  bid  him  begone;  observing, 
that  he  would  fill  the  room  full  of  vermin.  Her  brother  darted 
a  significant  glance  at  her,  as  she  retired  with  Liddy  into  an- 
other apartment ;  and  then  asked  the  man  if  he  was  known  to 
any  person  in  Marlborough?  When  he  answered,  that  the 
landlord  of  the  inn  had  known  him  from  his  infancy,  mine  host 
was  immediately  called,  and,  being  interrogated  on  the  sub- 
ject, declared,  that  the  young  fellow's  name  was  Humphry 
Clinker.  That  he  had  been  a  love-begotten  babe,  brought  up 
in  the  workhouse,  and  put  out  apprentice  by  the  parish  to  a 
country  blacksmith,  who  died  before  the  boy's  time  was  out. 
That  he  had  for  some  time  worked  under  his  ostler,  as  a  helper 
and  extra  postillion,  till  he  was  taken  ill  of  the  ague,  which 
disabled  him  from  getting  his  bread.  That,  having  sold  or 
pawned  everything  he  had  in  the  world  for  his  cure  and  sub- 
sistence, he  became  so  miserable  and  shabby,  that  he  disgraced 
the  stable,  and  was  dismissed ;  but  that  he  never  heard  any- 
thing to  the  prejudice  of  his  character  in  other  respects.  "  So 
that  the  fellow  being  sick  and  destitute,"  said  my  uncle,  "  you 
turned  him  out  to  die  in  the  streets." — "  I  pay  the  poor's  rate," 
replied  the  other,  *'  and  I  have  no  right  to  maintain  idle 
vagrants,  either  in  sickness  or  health;  besides,  such  a  miser- 
able object  would  have  brought  discredit  upon  my  house  " — 

"  You  perceive,"  said  the  squire,  turning  to  me,  "  our  land- 
lord is  a  Christian  of  bowels.  Who  shall  presume  to  censure 
the  morals  of  the  age,  when  the  very  publicans  exhibit  such 

83 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

examples  of  humanity?  Hark  ye,  Clinker,  you  are  a  most 
notorious  offender.  You  stand  convicted  of  sickness,  hunger, 
wretchedness,  and  want.  But,  as  it  does  not  belong  to  me  to 
punish  criminals,  I  will  only  take  upon  me  the  task  of  giving 
you  a  word  of  advice — Get  a  shirt  with  all  convenient  des- 
patch, that  your  nakedness  may  not  henceforward  give  offence 
to  travelling  gentlewomen,  especially  maidens  in  years." 

So  saying,  he  put  a  guinea  into  the  hand  of  the  poor  fellow, 
who  stood  staring  at  him  in  silence,  with  his  mouth  wide  open, 
till  the  landlord  pushed  him  out  of  the  room. 

In  the  afternoon,  as  our  aunt  stept  into  the  coach,  she  ob- 
served, with  some  marks  of  satisfaction,  that  the  postillion, 
who  rode  next  to  her,  was  not  a  shabby  wretch  like  the  raga- 
muffin who  had  drove  them  into  Marlborough.  Indeed,  the 
difference  was  very  conspicuous.  This  was  a  smart  fellow, 
with  a  narrow-brimmed  hat,  with  gold  cording,  a  cut  bob,  a 
decent  blue  jacket,  leather  breeches,  and  a  clean  linen  shirt, 
puffed  above  the  waistband.  When  we  arrived  at  the  castle 
on  Spinhill,  where  we  lay,  this  new  postillion  was  remarkably 
assiduous  in  bringing  in  the  loose  parcels ;  and  at  length  dis- 
played the  individual  countenance  of  Humphry  Clinker,  who 
had  metamorphosed  himself  in  this  manner,  by  relieving  from 
pawn  part  of  his  own  clothes,  with  the  money  he  had  received 
from  Mr.  Bramble. 

Howsoever  pleased  the  rest  of  the  company  were  with  such 
a  favourable  change  in  the  appearance  of  this  poor  creature, 
it  soured  on  the  stomach  of  Mrs.  Tabby,  who  had  not  yet  di- 
gested the  affront  of  his  naked  skin.  She  tossed  her  nose  in 
disdain,  saying,  she  supposed  her  brother  had  taken  him  into 
favour,  because  he  had  insulted  her  with  his  obscenity ;  that  a 
fool  and  his  money  were  soon  parted;  but  that  if  Matt  in- 
tended to  take  the  fellow  with  him  to  London,  she  would  not 
go  a  foot  farther  that  way.  My  uncle  said  nothing  with  his 
tongue,  though  his  looks  were  sufficiently  expressive;  and 
next  morning  Clinker  did  not  appear,  so  that  we  proceeded 
without  farther  altercation  to  Salthill,  where  we  proposed  to 
dine.  There,  the  first  person  that  came  to  the  side  of  the 
coach,  and  began  to  adjust  the  footboard,  was  no  other  than 
Humphry  Clinker.  When  I  handed  out  Mrs.  Bramble,  she 
eyed  him  with  a  furious  look,  and  passed  into  the  house.     My 

84 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

uncle  was  embarrassed,  and  asked  him  peevishly  what  had 
brought  him  hither  ?  The  fellow  said,  his  honour  had  been  so 
good  to  him,  that  he  had  not  the  heart  to  part  with  him ; — that 
he  would  follow  him  to  the  world's  end,  and  serve  him  all  the 
days  of  his  life  without  fee  or  reward. 

Mr.  Bramble  did  not  know  whether  to  chide  or  laugh  at  this 
declaration.  He  foresaw  much  contradiction  on  the  side  of 
Tabby;  and,  on  the  other  hand,  he  could  not  but  be  pleased 
with  the  gratitude  of  Clinker,  as  well  as  with  the  simpUcity 
of  his  character.  "  Suppose  I  was  inclined  to  take  you  into 
my  service,"  said  he,  "  what  are  your  qualifications  ?  What 
are  you  g-ood  for  ?  " — "  An'  please  your  honour,"  answered 
this  original,  "  I  can  read  and  write,  and  do  the  business  of  the 
stable  indifferent  well.  I  can  dress  a  horse  and  shoe  him,  and 
bleed  and  rowl  him ;  and,  as  for  the  practice  of  sow-gelding, 
I  won't  turn  my  back  on  e'er  a  he  in  the  county  of  Wilts. 
Then  I  make  hogs  puddings  and  hob-nails,  mend  kettles,  and 
tin  saucepans."  Here  uncle  burst  out  a-laughing;  and  in- 
quired what  other  accomplishments  he  was  master  of. — "  I 
know  something  of  single  stick  and  psalmody,"  proceeded 
Clinker ;  "  I  can  play  upon  the  Jew's  harp,  sing  Black-eyed 
Susan,  Arthur  O'Bradley,  and  divers  other  songs.  I  can 
dance  a  Welsh  jig,  and  Nancy  Dawson;  wrestk  a  fall  with 
any  lad  of  my  inches,  when  I'm  in  heart ;  and,  under  correc- 
tion, I  can  find  a  hare  when  your  honour  wants  a  bit  of  game." 
— "  Foregad  !  thou  art  a  complete  fellow,"  cried  my  uncle,  still 
laughing ;  "  I  have  a  good  mind  to  take  thee  into  my  family. 
Prithee,  go  and  try  if  thou  can'st  make  peace  with  my  sister. 
Thou  has  given  her  much  offence,  by  showing  her  thy  naked 
tail." 

Clinker  accordingly  followed  us  into  the  room,  cap  in  hand, 
where,  addressing  himself  to  Mrs.  Tabitha,  "  May  it  please 
your  ladyship's  worship,"  cried  he,  "  to  pardon  and  forgive  my 
offences,  and,  with  God's  assistance,  I  shall  take  care  that  my 
tail  shall  never  rise  up  in  judgment  against  me,  to  offend  your 
ladyship  again.  Do,  pray,  good,  sweet,  beautiful  lady,  take 
compassion  on  a  poor  sinner.  God  bless  your  noble  counte- 
nance ;  I  am  sure  you  are  too  handsome  and  generous  to  bear 
malice.     I  will  serve  you  on  my  bended  knees,  by  night  and  by 

85 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

day,  by  land  and  by  water ;  and  all  for  the  love  and  pleasure 
of  serving  such  an  excellent  lady." 

This  compliment  and  humiliation  had  some  effect  upon 
Tabby;  but  she  made  no  reply;  and  Clinker,  taking  silence 
for  consent,  gave  his  attendance  at  dinner.  The  fellow's  nat- 
ural awkwardness  and  the  flutter  of  his  spirits,  were  produc- 
tive of  repeated  blunders  in  the  course  of  his  attendance.  At 
length,  he  spilt  part  of  a  custard  upon  her  right  shoulder; 
and,  starting  back,  trod  upon  Chowder,  who  set  up  a  dismal 
howl.  Poor  Humphry  was  so  disconcerted  at  this  double 
mistake,  that  he  dropt  the  china  dish,  which  broke  into  a 
thousand  pieces ;  then,  falling  down  upon  his  knees,  remained 
in  that  posture  gaping,  with  a  most  ludicrous  aspect  of  dis- 
tress. Mrs.  Bramble  flew  to  the  dog,  and  snatching  him  in 
her  arms,  presented  him  to  her  brother,  saying,  "  This  is  all  a 
concerted  scheme  against  this  unfortunate  animal,  whose  only 
crime  is  its  regard  for  me.  Here  it  is ;  kill  it  at  once ;  and 
then  you'll  be  satisfied." 

Clinker,  hearing  these  words,  and  taking  them  in  the  literal 
acceptation,  got  up  in  some  hurry,  and,  seizing  a  knife  from 
the  sideboard,  cried,  "  Not  here,  an'  please  your  ladyship.  It 
will  daub  the  room.  Give  him  to  me,  and  I'll  carry  him  into 
the  ditch  by  the  roadside."  To  this  proposal  he  received  no 
other  answer  than  a  hearty  box  on  the  ear,  that  made  him 
stagger  to  the  other  side  of  the  room.  "  What !  "  said  she  to 
her  brother,  "  am  I  to  be  affronted  by  every  mangy  hound  that 
you  pick  up  in  the  highway?  I  insist  upon  your  sending  this 
rascallion  about  his  business  immediately." — "  For  God's  sake, 
sister,  compose  yourself,"  said  my  uncle,  "  and  consider  that 
the  poor  fellow  is  innocent  of  any  intention  to  give  you  of- 
fence."— "  Innocent  as  the  babe  unborn,"  cried  Humphry. — 
"  I  see  it  plainly,"  exclaimed  this  implacable  maiden,  "  he  acts 
by  your  direction ;  and  you  are  resolved  to  support  him  in  his 
impudence.  This  is  a  bad  return  for  all  the  services  I  have 
done  you ;  for  nursing  you  in  your  sickness,  managing  your 
family,  and  keeping  you  from  ruining  yourself  by  your  own 
imprudence.  But  now  you  shall  part  with  that  rascal  or  me, 
upon  the  spot,  without  farther  loss  of  time;  and  the  world 
shall  see  whether  you  have  more  regard  for  your  own  flesh 

^6 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

and  blood,  or  for  a  beggarly  foundling  taken  from  the  dung- 
hill." 

Mr.  Bramble's  eyes  began  to  glisten,  and  his  teeth  to  chatter. 
"  If  stated  fairly,"  said  he,  raising  his  voice,  "  the  question  is, 
whether  I  have  spirit  to  shake  off  an  intolerable  yoke,  by  one 
effort  of  resolution,  or  meanness  enough  to  do  an  act  of  cruelty 
and  injustice,  to  gratify  the  rancour  of  a  capricious  woman. 
Hark  ye,  Mrs.  Tabitha  Bramble,  I  will  now  propose  an  alter- 
native in  my  turn.  Either  discard  your  four-footed  favourite, 
or  give  me  leave  to  bid  you  eternally  adieu.  For  I  am  deter- 
mined that  he  and  I  shall  live  no  longer  under  the  same  roof ; 
and  now  to  dinner  zvith  what  appetite  you  may."  Thunder- 
struck at  this  declaration,  she  sat  down  in  a  corner ;  and,  after 
a  pause  of  some  minutes,  "  Sure  I  don't  understand  you. 
Matt,"  said  she. — "  And  yet  I  spoke  in  plain  English," 
answered  the  squire,  with  a  peremptory  look. — "  Sir,"  resumed 
this  virago,  effectually  humbled,  "  it  is  your  prerogative  to 
command,  and  my  duty  to  obey.  I  can't  dispose  of  the  dog 
in  this  place;  but  if  you'll  allow  him  to  go  in  the  coach  to 
London,  I  give  you  my  word  he  shall  never  trouble  you  again." 

Her  brother,  entirely  disarmed  by  this  mild  reply,  declared, 
she  could  ask  him  nothing  in  reason  that  he  would  refuse; 
adding,  "  I  hope,  sister,  you  have  never  found  me  deficient  in 
natural  affection."  Mrs.  Tabitha  immediately  rose,  and, 
throwing  her  arms  about  his  neck,  kissed  him  on  the  cheek. 
He  returned  her  embrace  with  great  emotion.  Liddy  sobbed. 
Win.  Jenkins  cackled.  Chowder  capered,  and  Clinker  skipped 
about,  rubbing  his  hands  for  joy  of  this  reconciliation. 

Concord  being  thus  restored,  we  finished  our  meal  with 
comfort ;  and  in  the  evening  arrived  at  London,  without  hav- 
ing met  with  any  other  adventure.  My  aunt  seems  to  be  much 
mended  by  the  hint  she  received  from  her  brother.  She  has 
been  graciously  pleased  to  remove  her  displeasure  from 
Clinker,  who  is  now  retained  as  a  footman,  and,  in  a  day  or 
two,  will  make  his  appearance  in  a  new  suit  of  livery ;  but,  as 
he  is  little  acquainted  with  London,  we  have  taken  an  occa- 
sional valet,  whom  I  'intend  hereafter  to  hire  as  my  own  serv- 
ant. We  lodge  in  Golden  Square,  at  the  house  of  one  Mrs. 
Norton,  a  decent  sort  of  a  woman,  who  takes  great  pains  to 
make  us  all  easy.     My  uncle  proposes  to  make  a  circuit  of  all 

87 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

the  remarkable  scenes  of  this  metropolis,  for  the  entertainment 
of  his  pupils;  but  as  both  you  and  I  are  already  acquainted 
with  most  of  those  he  will  visit,  and  with  some  others  he  little 
dreams  of,  I  shall  only  communicate  what  will  be  in  some 
measure  new  to  your  observation.  Remember  me  to  our 
Jesuitical  friends,  and  believe  me  ever,  dear  knight. 

Yours  affectionately, 
London,  May  24.  J.  Melford. 


To  Dr.  Lewis. 

Dear  Doctor, — London  is  literally  new  to  me;  new  in  its 
streets,  houses,  and  even  in  its  situation.  As  the  Irishman 
said,  "  London  is  now  gone  out  of  town." — What  I  left  open 
fields,  producing  hay  and  corn,  I  now  find  covered  with  streets 
and  squares,  and  palaces  and  churches.  I  am  credibly  in- 
formed, that,  in  the  space  of  seven  years,  eleven  thousand  new 
houses  have  been  built  in  one  quarter  of  Westminster,  exclu- 
sive of  what  is  daily  added  to  other  parts  of  this  unwieldy 
metropolis.  Pimlico  and  Knight sbridge  are  almost  joined  to 
Chelsea  and  Kensington;  and,  if  this  infatuation  continues 
for  half  a  century,  I  suppose  the  whole  county  of  Middlesex 
will  be  covered  with  brick. 

It  must  be  allowed,  indeed,  for  the  credit  of  the  present  age, 
that  London  and  Westminster  are  much  better  paved  and 
lighted  than  they  were  formerly.  The  new  streets  are  spa- 
cious, regular,  and  airy,  and  the  houses  generally  convenient. 
The  bridge  at  Blackfriars  is  a  noble  monument  of  taste  and 
public  spirit — I  wonder  how  they  stumbled  upon  a  work  of 
such  magnificence  and  utility.  But,  notwithstanding  these 
improvements,  the  capital  is  become  an  overgrown  monster, 
which,  like  a  dropsical  head,  will  in  time  leave  the  body  and 
extremities  without  nourishment  ahd  support.  The  absurdity 
will  appear  in  its  full  force,  when  we  consider,  that  one-sixth 
part  of  the  natives  of  this  whole  extensive  kingdom  is  crowded 
within  the  bills  of  mortality.  What  wonder  that  our  villages 
are  depopulated,  and  our  farms  in  want  of  day-labourers !  the 
abolition  of  small  farms  is  but  one  cause  of  the  decrease  of 
population.  Indeed,  the  incredible  increase  of  horses  and 
black  cattle,  to  answer  the  purposes  of  luxury,  requires  a 

88 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

prodigious  quantity  of  hay  and  grass,  which  are  raised  and 
managed  without  much  labour;  but  a  number  of  hands  will 
always  be  wanted  for  the  different  branches  of  agriculture, 
whether  the  farms  be  large  or  small.  The  tide  of  luxury  has 
swept  all  the  inhabitants  from  the  open  country;  the  poorest 
squire,  as  well  as  the  richest  peer,  must  have  his  house  in  town, 
and  make  a  figure  with  an  extraordinary  number  of  domestics. 
The  ploughboys,  cowherds,  and  lower  hinds,  are  debauched 
and  seduced  by  the  appearance  and  discourse  of  those  cox- 
combs in  livery,  when  they  make  their  summer  excursions. 
They  desert  their  dirt  and  drudgery,  and  swarm  up  to  London, 
in  hopes  of  getting  into  service,  where  they  can  live  luxuri- 
ously, and  wear  fine  clothes,  without  being  obliged  to  work; 
for  idleness  is  natural  to  man.  Great  numbers  of  these,  being 
disappointed  in  their  expectation,  become  thieves  and  sharp- 
ers ;  and  London  being  an  immense  wilderness,  in  which  there 
is  neither  watch  nor  ward  of  signification,  nor  any  order  or 
police,  afl^ords  them  lurking-places  as  well  as  prey. 

There  are  many  causes  that  contribute  to  the  daily  increase 
of  this  enormous  mass ;  but  they  may  be  all  resolved  into  the 
grand  source  of  luxury  and  corruption.  About  five-and- 
twenty  years  ago,  very  few  even  of  the  most  opulent  citizens 
of  London  kept  any  equipage,  or  even  any  servants  in  livery. 
Their  tables  produced  nothing  but  plain  boiled  and  roasted, 
with  a  bottle  of  port  and  a  tankard  of  beer.  At  present,  every 
trader  in  any  degree  of  credit,  every  broker  and  attorney, 
maintains  a  couple  of  footmen,  a  coachman,  and  postillion. 
He  has  his  town  house,  and  his  country  house,  his  coach,  and 
his  post-chaise.  His  wife  and  daughters  appear  in  the  richest 
stuffs,  bespangled  with  diamonds.  They  frequent  the  court, 
the  opera,  the  theatre,  and  the  masquerade.  They  hold  as- 
semblies at  their  own  houses ;  they  make  sumptuous  entertain- 
ments, and  treat  with  the  richest  wines  of  Bordeaux,  Bur- 
gundy, and  Champagne.  The  substantial  tradesman,  who 
was  wont  to  pass  his  evenings  at  the  alehouse  for  fourpence- 
halfpenny,  now  spends  three  shillings  at  the  tavern,  while  his 
wife  keeps  card-tables  at  home;  she  must  also  have  fine 
clothes,  her  chaise,  or  pad,  with  country  lodgings,  and  go  three 
times  a  week  to  public  diversions.  Every  clerk,  apprentice, 
and  even  waiter  of  a  tavern  or  coffee-house,  maintains  a  geld- 

89 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

ing  by  himself,  or  in  partnership,  and  assumes  the  air  and  ap- 
parel of  a  petit  mattre. — The  gayest  places  of  public  entertain- 
ment are  filled  with  fashionable  figures,  which,  upon  inquiry, 
will  be  found  to  be  journeymen  tailors,  serving-men,  and  Abi- 
gails, disguised  like  their  betters. 

In  short,  there  is  no  distinction  or  subordination  left.  The 
different  departments  of  life  are  jumbled  together — the  hod- 
carrier,  the  low  mechanic,  the  tapster,  the  publican,  the  shop- 
keeper, the  pettifogger,  the  citizen,  and  courtier,  all  tread  upon 
the  kibes  of  one  another;  actuated  by  the  demons  of  profligacy 
and  licentiousness,  they  are  seen  everywhere,  rambling,  rid- 
ing, rolling,  rushing,  jostling,  mixing,  bouncing,  cracking,  and 
crashing  in  one  vile  ferment  of  stupidity  and  corruption — all  is 
tumult  and  hurry. — One  would  imagine  they  were  impelled  by 
some  disorder  of  the  brain,  that  will  not  suffer  them  to  be  at 
rest.  The  foot  passengers  run  along  as  if  they  were  pursued 
by  bailiffs.  The  porters  and  chairmen  trot  with  their  burdens. 
People,  who  keep  their  own  equipages,  drive  through  the 
streets  at  full  speed.  Even  citizens,  physicians,  and  apothe- 
caries glide  in  their  chariots  like  lightning.  The  hackney 
coachmen  make  their  horses  smoke,  and  the  pavement  shakes 
under  them ;  and  I  have  actually  seen  a  waggon  pass  through 
Piccadilly  at  the  hand-gallop.  In  a  word,  the  whole  nation 
seems  to  be  running  out  of  their  wits. 

The  diversions  of  the  times  are  not  ill  suited  to  the  genius  of 
this  incongruous  monster,  called  the  public.  Give  it  noise, 
confusion,  glare,  and  glitter,  it  has  no  idea  of  elegance  and 
propriety.  What  are  the  amusements  at  Ranelagh?  One 
half  of  the  company  are  following  one  another's  tails,  in  an 
eternal  circle,  like  so  many  blind  asses  in  an  olive  mill,  where 
they  can  neither  discourse,  distinguish,  nor  be  distinguished ; 
while  the  other  half  are  drinking  hot  water,  under  the  denomi- 
nation of  tea,  till  nine  or  ten  o'clock  at  night,  to  keep  them 
awake  for  the  rest  of  the  evening.  As  for  the  orchestra,  the 
vocal  music  especially,  it  is  well  for  the  performers  that  they 
cannot  be  heard  distinctly.  Vauxhall  is  a  composition  of 
baubles,  overcharged  with  paltry  ornaments,  ill  conceived,  and 
poorly  executed,  without  any  unity  of  design,  or  propriety  of 
disposition.  It  is  an  unnatural  .assemblage  of  objects,  fan- 
tastically illuminated  in  broken  masses,  seemingly  contrived 

90 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

to  dazzle  the  eyes  and  divert  the  imagination  of  the  vulgar. 
Here  a  wooden  lion,  there  a  stone  statue ;  in  one  place  a  range 
of  things  like  coffee-house  boxes  covered  a-top;  in  another, 
a  parcel  of  alehouse  benches;  in  a  third,  a  puppet-show 
representation  of  a  tin  cascade ;  in  a  fourth,  a  gloomy  cave  of  a 
circular  form,  like  a  sepulchral  vault,  half-lighted ;  in  a  fifth, 
a  scanty  slip  of  grass-plot,  that  would  not  afford  pasture  suffi- 
cient for  an  ass's  colt.  The  walks,  which  Nature  seems  tq 
have  intended  for  solitude,  shade,  and  silence,  are  filled  with 
crowds  of  noisy  people,  sucking  up  the  nocturnal  rheums  of 
an  agueish  climate ;  and  through  these  gay  scenes  a  few  lamps 
glimmer  like  so  many  farthing  candles. 

When  I  see  a  number  of  well-dressed  people,  of  both  sexes, 
sitting  on  the  covered  benches,  exposed  to  the  eyes  of  the  mob, 
and,  which  is  worse,  to  the  cold,  raw,  night  air,  devouring 
sliced  beef,  and  swilling  port,  and  punch,  and  cider,  I  can't 
help  compassionating  their  temerity,  while  I  despise  their  want 
of  taste  and  decorum;  but,  when  they  course  along  those 
damp  and  gloomy  walks,  or  crowd  together  upon  the  wet 
gravel,  without  any  other  cover  than  the  cope  of  heaven,  lis- 
tening to  a  song,  which  one  half  of  them  cannot  possibly  hear, 
how  can  I  help  supposing  they  are  actually  possessed  by  a 
spirit  more  absurd  and  pernicious  than  anything  we  meet  with 
in  the  precincts  of  Bedlam  ?  In  all  probability,  the  proprietors 
of  this,  and  other  public  gardens  of  inferior  note,  in  the  skirts 
of  the  metropolis,  are,  in  some  shape,  connected  with  the  fac- 
ulty of  physic,  and  the  company  of  undertakers ;  for,  consider- 
ing that  eagerness  in  the  pursuit  of  what  is  called  pleasure, 
which  now  predominates  through  every  rank  and  denomina- 
tion of  life,  I  am  persuaded  that  more  gouts,  rhetimatisms, 
catarrhs,  and  consumptions,  are  caught  in  these  nocturnal 
pastimes,  sub  dio,  than  from  all  the  risks  and  accidents  to 
which  a  life  of  toil  and  danger  is  exposed. 

These  and  other  observations  which  I  have  made  in  this  ex- 
cursion, will  shorten  my  stay  in  London,  and  send  me  back 
with  a  double  relish  to  my  solitude  and  mountains ;  but  I  shall 
return  by  a  different  route  from  that  which  brought  me  to 
town.  I  have  seen  some  old  friends,  who  constantly  resided 
in  this  virtuous  metropolis,  but  they  are  so  changed  in  man- 
ners and  disposition,  that  we  hardly  know  or  care  for  one  an- 

91 


jthe  expedition  of 

other.  In  our  journey  from  Bath,  my  sister  Tabby  provoked 
me  into  a  transport  of  passion ;  during  which,  hke  a  man  who 
has  drank  himself  pot-vaHant,  I  talked  to  her  in  such  a  style 
of  authority  and  resolution,  as  produced  a  most  blessed  effect. 
She  and  her  dog  have  been  remarkably  quiet  and  orderly  ever 
since  this  expostulation.  How  long  this  agreeable  calm  will 
last.  Heaven  above  knows.  I  flatter  myself  the  exercise  of 
fravelling  has  been  of  service  to  my  health ;  a  circumstance 
which  encourages  me  to  proceed  in  my  projected  expedition  to 
the  north.  But  I  must,  in  the  meantime,  for  the  benefit  and 
amusement  of  my  pupils,  explore  the  depths  of  this  chaos,  this 
misshapen  and  monstrous  capital,  without  head  or  tail,  mem- 
bers or  proportion. 

Thomas  was  so  insolent  to  my  sister  on  the  road,  that  I  was 
obliged  to  turn  him  off  abruptly,  betwixt  Chippenham  and 
Marlborough,  where  our  coach  was  overturned.  The  fellow 
was  always  sullen  and  selfish ;  but  if  he  should  return  to  the 
country,  you  may  give  him  a  character  for  honesty  and  sobri- 
ety;  and,  provided  he  behaves  with  proper  respect  to  the  fam- 
ily, let  him  have  a  couple  of  guineas  in  the  name  of,  yours  al- 
ways. Matt  Bramble. 

London,  May  29. 


To  Miss  L^titia  Willis,  at  Gloucester. 

My  dear  Letty, — Inexpressible  was  the  pleasure  I  received 
from  yours  of  the  25th,  which  was  last  night  put  into  my 
hands  by  Mrs.  Brentwood,  the  milliner,  from  Gloucester.  I 
rejoice  to  hear  that  my  worthy  governess  is  in  good  health, 
and,  still  more,  that  she  no  longer  retains  any  displeasure  to- 
wards her  poor  Liddy.  I  am  sorry  you  have  lost  the  society 
of  the  agreeable  Miss  Vaughan ;  but,  I  hope,  you  won't  have 
cause  much  longer  to  regret  the  departure  of  your  school- 
companions,  as  I  make  no  doubt  but  your  parents  will  in  a 
little  time  bring  you  into  the  world,  where  you  are  so  well 
qualified  to  make  a  distinguished  figure.  When  that  is  the 
case,  I  flatter  myself  you  and  I  shall  meet  again,  and  be  happy 
together,  and  even  improve  the  friendship  which  we  contracted 
in  our  tender  years.     This  at  least  I  can  promise,  it  shall  not 

92 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

be  for  the  want  of  my  utmost  endeavours  if  our  intimacy  does 
not  continue  for  life. 

About  five  days  ago  we  arrived  in  London,  after  an  easy 
journey  from  Bath ;  during  which,  however,  we  were  over- 
turned, and  met  with  some  other  little  incidents,  which  had 
like  to  have  occasioned  a  misunderstanding  betwixt  my  uncle 
and  aunt;  but  now,  thank  God,  they  are  happily  reconciled; 
we  live  in  harmony  together,  and  every  day  make  parties  to 
see  the  wonders  of  this  vast  metropolis,  which,  however,  I 
cannot  pretend  to  describe;  for  I  have  not  as  yet  seen  one 
hundredth  part  of  its  curiosities,  and  I  am  quite  in  a  maze  of 
admiration. 

The  cities  of  London  and  Westminster  are  spread  out  to  an 
incredible  extent.  The  streets,  squares,  rows,  lanes,  and  alleys 
are  innumerable.  Palaces,  public  buildings,  and  churches  rise 
in  every  quarter;  and,  among  these  last,  St.  Paul's  appears 
with  the  most  astonishing  pre-eminence.  They  say  it  is  not 
so  large  as  St.  Peter's  at  Rome ;  but,  for  my  own  part,  I  can 
have  no  idea  of  any  earthly  temple  more  grand  and  magnifi- 
cent. 

But  even  these  superb  objects  are  not  so  striking  as  the 
crowds  of  people  that  swarm  in  the  streets.  I  at  first  imag- 
ined, that  some  great  assembly  was  just  dismissed  and  wanted 
to  stand  aside  till  the  multitude  should  pass;  but  this  human 
tide  continues  to  flow,  without  interruption  or  abatement,  from 
morn  till  night.  Then  there  is  such  an  infinity  of  gay  equip- 
ages, coaches,  chariots,  chaises,  and  other  carriages,  continual- 
ly rolling  and  shifting  before  your  eyes,  that  one's  head  grows 
giddy  looking  at  them ;  and  the  imagination  is  quite  con- 
founded with  splendour  and  variety.  Nor  is  the  prospect  by 
water  less  grand  and  astonishing  than  that  by  land.  You  see 
three  stupendous  bridges,  joining  the  opposite  banks  of  a 
broad,  deep,  and  rapid  river;  so  vast,  so  stately,  so  elegant, 
that  they  seem  to  be  the  work  of  the  giants.  Betwixt  them, 
the  whole  surface  of  the  Thames  is  covered  with  small  vessels, 
barges,  boats,  and  wherries,  passing  to  and  fro ;  and  below  the 
three  bridges,  such  a  prodigious  forest  of  masts,  for  miles  to- 
gether, that  you  would  think  all  the  ships  in  the  universe  were 
here  assembled.  All  that  you  read  of  wealth  and  grandeur, 
in  the  Arabian  Nights  Entertainments,  and  the  Persian  Tales, 

93 


'THE  EXPEDITION  OF, 

concerning  Bagdad,  Diarbekir,  Damascus,  Ispahan,  and 
Samarkand,  is  here  reaUsed. 

Ranelagh  looks  Hke  the  enchanted  palace  of  a  genius, 
adorned  with  the  most  exquisite  performances  of  painting, 
carving,  and  gilding,  enlightened  with  a  thousand  golden 
lamps,  that  emulate  the  noonday  sun ;  crowded  with  the  great, 
the  rich,  the  gay,  the  happy,  and  the  fair ;  glittering  with  cloth 
of  gold  and  silver,  lace,  embroidery,  and  precious  stones. 
While  these  exulting  sons  and  daughters  of  felicity  tread  this 
round  of  pleasure,  or  regale  in  different  parties,  and  separate 
lodges,  with  fine  imperial  tea  and  other  delicious  refreshments, 
their  ears  are  entertained  with  the  most  ravishing  delights  of 
music,  both  instrumental  and  vocal.  There  I  heard  the  fa- 
mous Tenducci,  a  thing  from  Italy — it  looks  for  all  the  world 
like  a  man,  though  they  say  it  is  not.  The  voice,  to  be  sure, 
is  neither  man's  nor  woman's ;  but  it  is  more  melodious  than 
either;  and  it  warbled  so  divinely,  that,  while  I  listened  I 
really  thought  myself  in  paradise. 

At  nine  o'clock,  in  a  charming  moonlight  evening,  we  em- 
barked at  Ranelagh  for  Vauxhall,  in  a  wherry,  so  light  and 
slender,  that  we  looked  like  so  many  fairies  sailing  in  a  nut- 
shell. My  uncle,  being  apprehensive  of  catching  cold  upon 
the  water,  went  round  in  the  coach,  and  my  aunt  would  have 
accompanied  him ;  but  he  would  not  suffer  me  to  go  by  water 
if  she  went  by  land;  and  therefore  she  favoured  us  with  her 
company,  as  she  perceived  I  had  a  curiosity  to  make  this  agree- 
able voyage.  After  all,  the  vessel  was  sufficiently  loaded; 
for,  besides  the  waterman,  there  was  my  brother  Jerry,  and  a 
friend  of  his,  one  Mr.  Barton,  a  country  gentleman,  of  a  good 
fortune,  who  had  dined  at  our  house.  The  pleasure  of  this 
little  excursion  was,  however,  damped,  by  my  being  sadly 
frightened  at  our  landing;  where  there  was  a  terrible  con- 
fusion of  wherries,  and  a  crowd  of  people  bawling,  and  swear- 
ing, and  quarrelling;  nay,  a  parcel  of  ugly-looking  fellows 
came  running  into  the  water,  and  laid  hold  on  our  boat  with 
great  violence,  to  pull  it  ashore;  nor  would  they  quit  their 
hold  till  my  brother  struck  one  of  them  over  the  head  with  his 
cane.  But  this  flutter  was  fully  recompensed  by  the  pleasures 
of  Vauxhall;  which  I  no  sooner  entered,  than  I  was  dazzled 
and  confounded  with  the  variety  of  beauties  that  rushed  all 

94 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

at  once  upon  my  eye.  Image  to  yourself,  my  dear  Letty,  a 
spacious  garden,  part  laid  out  in  delightful  walks,  bounded 
with  high  hedges  and  trees,  and  paved  with  gravel ;  part  ex- 
hibiting a  wonderful  assemblage  of  the  most  picturesque  and 
striking  objects,  pavilions,  lodges,  groves,  grottoes,  lawns, 
temples,  and  cascades;  porticoes,  colonnades,  and  rotundas; 
adorned  with  pillars,  statues,  and  painting :  the  whole  illumi- 
nated with  an  infinite  number  of  lamps,  disposed  in  different 
figures  of  suns,  stars,  and  constellations;  the  place  crowded 
with  the  gayest  company,  ranging  through  those  blissful 
shades,  or  supping  in  different  lodges  on  cold  collations,  enliv- 
ened with  mirth,  freedom,  and  good-humour,  and  animated 
by  an  excellent  band  of  music.     Among  the  vocal  performers, 

I  had  the  happiness  to  hear  the  celebrated  Mrs.  ,  whose 

voice  was  so  loud  and  so  shrill  that  it  made  my  head  ache 
through  excess  of  pleasure. 

In  about  half  an  hour  after  we  arrived,  we  were  joined  by 
my  uncle,  who  did  not  seem  to  relish  the  place.  People  of 
experience  and  infirmity,  my  dear  Letty,  see  with  very  differ- 
ent eyes  from  those  that  such  as  you  and  I  make  use  of.  Our 
evening's  entertainment  was  interrupted  by  an  unlucky  acci- 
dent. In  one  of  the  remotest  walks  we  were  surprised  with  a 
sudden  shower,  that  set  the  whole  company  a-running,  and 
drove  us  in  heaps,  one  upon  another,  into  the  rotunda ;  where 
my  uncle,  finding  himself  wet,  began  to  be  very  peevish  and 
urgent  to  be  gone.  My  brother  went  to  look  for  a  coach,  and 
found  it  with  much  difficulty ;  but  as  it  could  not  hold  us  all, 
Mr.  Barton  stayed  behind.  It  was  some  time  before  the  car- 
riage could  be  brought  up  to  the  gate,  in  the  confusion,  not- 
withstanding the  utmost  endeavours  of  our  new  footman, 
Humphry  Clinker,  who  lost  a  scratch  periwig,  and  got  a 
broken  head  in  the  scuffle.  The  moment  we  were  seated,  my 
aunt  pulled  off  my  uncle's  shoes,  and  carefully  wrapped  his 
poor  feet  in  her  capuchin;  then  she  gave  him  a  mouthful  of 
cordial,  which  she  always  keeps  in  her  pocket,  and  his  clothes 
were  shifted  as  soon  as  we  arrived  at  our  lodgings;  so  that, 
blessed  be  God,  he  escaped  a  severe  cold,  of  which  he  was  in 
great  terror. 

As  for  Mr.  Barton,  I  must  tell  you  in  confidence,  he  was 
a  little  particular;  but,  perhaps,  I  mistake  his  complaisance; 

95 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

and  I  wish  I  may  for  his  sake.  You  know  the  condition  of 
my  poor  heart ;  which,  in  spite  of  hard  usage — and  yet  I  ought 
not  to  complain ;  nor  will  I,  till  further  information. 

Besides  Ranelagh  and  Vauxhall,  I  have  been  at  Mrs. 
Cornely's  assembly,  which,  for  the  rooms,  the  company,  the 
dresses,  and  decorations,  surpasses  all  description;  but,  as  I 
have  no  great  turn  for  card-playing,  I  have  not  yet  entered 
thoroughly  into  the  spirit  of  the  place.  Indeed,  I  am  still  such 
a  country  hoyden,  that  I  can  hardly  find  patience  to  be  put  in 
a  condition  to  appear,  yet  I  was  not  above  six  hours  under 
the  hands  of  the  hairdresser,  who  stuffed  my  head  with  as 
much  black  wool  as  would  have  made  a  quilted  petticoat ;  and, 
after  all,  it  was  the  smallest  head  in  the  assembly,  except  my 
aunt's.  She,  to  be  sure,  was  so  particular  with  her  rumpt 
gown  and  petticoat,  her  scanty  curls,  her  lappet-head,  deep 
triple  ruffles,  and  high  stays,  that  everybody  looked  at  her 
with  surprise;  some  whispered,  and  some  tittered,  and  Lady 
Griskin,  by  whom  we  were  introduced,  flatly  told  her  she  was 
twenty  good  years  behind  the  fashion. 

Lady  Griskin  is  a  person  of  fashion,  to  whom  we  have  the 
honour  to  be  related.  She  keeps  a  small  rout  at  her  own 
house,  never  exceeding  ten  or  a  dozen  card-tables;  but  these 
are  frequented  by  the  best  company  in  town.  She  has  been 
so  obliging  as  to  introduce  my  aunt  and  me  to  some  of  her 
particular  friends  of  quality,  who  treat  us  with  the  most  fa- 
miliar good-humour.  We  have  once  dined  with  her,  and  she 
takes  the  trouble  to  direct  us  in  all  our  motions.  I  am  so 
happy  as  to  have  gained  her  goodwill  to  such  a  degree,  that 
she  sometimes  adjusts  my  cap  with  her  own  hands;  and  she 
has  given  me  a  kind  iniatation  to  stay  with  her  all  the  winter. 
This,  however,  has  been  cruelly  declined  by  my  uncle,  who 
seems  to  be,  I  know  not  how,  prejudiced  against  the  good 
lady;  for,  whenever  my  aunt  happens  to  speak  in  her  com- 
mendation, I  observe  that  he  makes  wry  faces,  though  he  says 
nothing ;  perhaps,  indeed,  those  grimaces  may  be  the  effect  of 
pain  arising  from  the  gout  and  rheumatism,  with  which  he 
is  sadly  distressed.  To  me,  however,  he  is  always  good- 
natured  and  generous,  even  beyond  my  wish.  Since  we  came 
hither,  he  has  made  me  a  present  of  a  suit  of  clothes,  with 
trimmings  and  laces,  which  cost  more  money  than  I  shall 

96 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

mention ;  and  Jerry,  at  his  desire,  has  given  me  my  mother's 
diamond  drops,  which  are  ordered  to  be  set  anew ;  so  that  it 
won't  be  his  fault  if  I  do  not  glitter  among  the  stars  of  the 
fourth  or  fifth  magnitude.  I  wish  my  weak  head  may  not 
grow  giddy  in  the  midst  of  all  this  gallantry  and  dissipation ; 
though  as  yet  I  can  safely  declare  I  could  gladly  give  up  all 
these  tumultuous  pleasures  for  country  solitude,  and  a  happy 
retreat  with  those  we  love ;  among  whom  my  dear  Willis  will 
always  possess  the  first  place  in  the  breast  of  her  ever  affec- 
tionate Lydia  Melford. 
London,  May  31. 


To  Sir  Watkin  Phillips,  Bart,  of  Jesus  College,  Oxon. 

Dear  Phillips, — I  send  you  this  letter,  franked  by  our  old 
friend  Barton ;  who  is  as  much  altered  as  it  is  possible  for  a 
rnan  of  his  kidney  to  be.  Instead  of  the  careless,  indolent 
sloven  we  knew  at  Oxford,  I  found  him  a  busy,  talkative 
politician,  a  petit  maitre  in  his  dress,  and  a  ceremonious  cour- 
tier in  his  manners.  He  has  not  gall  enough  in  his  constitu- 
tion to  be  inflamed  with  the  rancour  of  party,  so  as  to  deal  in 
scurrilous  invectives ;  but,  since  he  obtained  a  place,  he  is  be- 
come a  warm  partisan  of  the  ministry,  and  sees  everything 
through  such  an  exaggerated  medium,  as  to  me,  who  am 
happily  of  no  party,  is  altogether  incomprehensible.  With- 
out all  doubt,  the  fumes  of  faction  not  only  disturb  the  faculty 
of  reason,  but  also  pervert  the  organs  of  sense;  and  I  would 
lay  an  hundred  guineas  to  ten,  that,  if  Barton  on  one  side, 
and  the  most  conscientious  patriot  in  the  opposition  on  the 

other,  were  to  draw,  upon  honour,  the  picture  of  the  k 

or  m ,  you  and  I,  who  are  still  uninfected  and  unbiassed, 

would  find  both  painters  equally  distant  from  the  truth.  One 
thing,  however,  must  be  allowed  for  the  honour  of  Barton — 
he  never  breaks  out  into  illiberal  abuse,  far  less  endeavours, 
by  infamous  calumnies,  to  blast  the  moral  character  of  any 
individual  on  the  other  side. 

Ever  since  we  came  hither  he  has  been  remarkably  assidu- 
ous in  his  attention  to  our  family;  an  attention,  which,  in  a 
man  of  his  indolence  and  avocations,  I  should  have  thought 
altogether  odd,  and  even  unnatural,  had  I  not  perceived  that 

1  97 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

my  sister  Liddy  has  made  some  impression  upon  his  heart.  I 
can't  say  that  I  have  any  objection  to  his  trying  his  fortune 
in  this  pursuit ;  if  an  opulent  estate  and  a  great  stock  of  good- 
nature are  sufficient  qualifications  in  a  husband,  to  render  the 
marriage  state  happy  for  life,  she  may  be  happy  with  Barton. 
But  I  imagine  there  is  something  else  required  to  engage  and 
secure  the  affection  of  a  woman  of  sense  and  delicacy ;  some- 
thing which  nature  has  denied  our  friend.  Liddy  seems  to 
be  of  the  same  opinion.  When  he  addresses  himself  to  her  in 
discourse,  she  seems  to  listen  with  reluctance,  and  industrious- 
ly avoids  all  particular  communication;  but  in  proportion  to 
her  coyness,  our  aunt  is  coming.  Mrs.  Tabitha  goes  more 
than  half  way  to  meet  his  advances;  she  mistakes,  or  affects 
to  mistake,  the  meaning  of  his  courtesy,  which  is  rather  for- 
mal and  fulsome;  she  returns  his  compliments  with  hyper- 
bolical interest,  she  persecutes  him  with  her  civilities  at  table, 
she  appeals  to  him  for  ever  in  conversation,  she  sighs,  and 
flirts,  and  ogles,  and  by  her  hideous  affectation  and  imperti- 
nence, drives  the  poor  courtier  to  the  very  extremity  of  *his 
complaisance;  in  short,  she  seems  to  have  undertaken  the 
siege  of  Barton's  heart,  and  carries  on  her  approaches  in  such 
a  desperate  manner,  that  I  don't  know  whether  he  will  not  be 
obliged  to  capitulate.  In  the  meantime  his  aversion  to  this 
inamorata  struggling  with  his  acquired  affability,  and  his 
natural  fear  of  giving  offence,  throws  him  into  a  kind  of  dis- 
tress which  is  extremely  ridiculous. 

Two  days  ago  he  persuaded  my  uncle  and  me  to  accom- 
pany him  to  St.  James's,  where  he  undertook  to  make  us  ac- 
quainted with  the  persons  of  all  the  great  men  in  the  kingdom  ; 
and,  indeed,  there  was  a  great  assemblage  of  distinguished 
characters,  for  it  was  a  high  festival  at  court.  Our  con- 
ductor performed  his  promise  with  great  punctuality.  He 
pointed  out  almost  every  individual  of  both  sexes,  and  gen- 
erally introduced  them  to  our  notice  with  a  flourish  of  pan- 
egyric. Seeing  the  King  approach,  "  There  comes,"  said  he, 
"  the  most  amiable  sovereign  that  ever  swayed  the  sceptre  of 
England;  the  delicice  humani  generis;  Augustus,  in  patron- 
ising merit ;  Titus  Vespasian,  in  generosity ;  Trajan,  in  benef- 
icence; and  Marcus  Aurelius,  in  philosophy." — "A  very 
honest,  kind-hearted  gentleman,"  added  my  uncle,  "  he's  too 

98 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

good  for  the  times.  A  king  of  England  should  have  a  spice 
of  the  devil  in  his  composition."  Barton  then  turning  to  the 
Duke  of  C ,  proceeded — "  You  know  the  duke ;  that  il- 
lustrious hero,  who  trod  rebellion  under  his  feet,  and  secured 
us  in  possession  of  everything  we  ought  to  hold  dear  as  Eng- 
lishmen and  Christians.  Mark  what  an  eye,  how  penetrating, 
yet  pacific !  what  dignity  in  his  mien !  what  humanity  in  his 
aspect !  Even  malice  must  own  that  he  is  one  of  the  greatest 
officers  in  Christendom." — "  I  think  he  be,"  said  Mr.  Bram- 
ble ;  "  but  who  are  these  young  gentlemen  that  stand  beside 
him  ?  " — "  Those !  "  cried  our  friend,  "  those  are  his  royal 
nephews ;  the  princes  of  the  blood.  Sweet  young  princes !  the 
sacred  pledges  of  the  Protestant  line;  so  spirited,  so  sensible, 
so  princely  " —  "  Yes ;  very  sensible !  very  spirited,"  said  my 
uncle,  interrupting  him ;  "  but  see  the  Queen !  ha,  there's  the 
Queen.  There's  the  Queen !  let  me  see — let  me  see — Where 
are  my  glasses  ?  ha !  there's  meaning  in  that  eye — There's 
sentiment — There's  expression.  Well,  Mr.  Barton,  what  fig- 
ure do  you  call  next  ?  " 

The  next  person  he  pointed  out  was  the  favourite  yearl; 
who  stood  solitary  by  one  of  the  windows. — "  Behold  yon 
northern  star,"  said  he,  "  shorn  of  his  beams  " —  "  What ! 
the  Caledonian  luminary,  that  lately  blazed  so  bright  in  our 
hemisphere !  methinks,  at  present,  it  glimmers  through  a  fog ; 
like  Saturn  without  his  ring,  bleak  and  dim,  and  distant.  Ha, 
there's  the  other  great  phenomenon,  the  grand  pensionary, 
that  weathercock  of  patriotism  that  veers  about  in  every  point 
of  the  political  compass,  and  still  feels  the  wind  of  popularity 
in  his  tail.  He  too,  like  a  portentous  comet,  has  risen  again 
above  the  court  horizon;  but  how  long  he  will  continue  to 
ascend  it  is  not  easy  to  foretell,  considering  his  great  eccen- 
tricity. Who  are  those  two  satellites  that  attend  his  mo- 
tions ?  *'  When  Barton  told  him  their  names,  "  To  their  char- 
acter," said  Mr.  Bramble,  *'  I  am  no  stranger.  One  of  them, 
without  a  drop  of  red  blood  in  his  veins,  has  a  cold,  intoxicat- 
ing vapour  in  his  head;  and  rancour  enough  in  his  heart  to 
inoculate  and  affect  a  whole  nation.  The  other  is,  I  hear,  in- 
tended for  a  share  in  the  ad — n,  and  the  pensionary  vouches 
for  his  being  duly  qualified.  The  only  instance  I  ever  heard 
of  his  sagacity  was  his  deserting  his  former  patron,  when  he 

99 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

found  him  declining  in  power,  and  in  disgrace  with  the  peo- 
ple. Without  principle,  talent,  or  intelligence,  he  is  ungra- 
cious as  a  hog,  greedy  as  a  vulture,  and  thievish  as  a  jackdaw ; 
but,  it  must  be  owned,  he  is  no  hypocrite.  He  pretends  to  no 
virtue,  and  takes  no  pains  to  disguise  his  character.  His 
ministry  will  be  attended  with  one  advantage ;  no  man  will  be 
disappointed  by  his  breach  of  promise,  as  no  mortal  ever 
trusted  to  his  word.  I  wonder  how  Lord first  discov- 
ered this  happy  genius,  and  for  what  purpose  Lord has 

now  adopted  him.  But  one  would  think,  that  as  amber  has 
a  power  to  attract  dirt,  and  straws,  and  chaff,  a  minister  is 
endued  with  the  same  kind  of  faculty,  to  lick  up  every  knave 
and  blockhead  in  his  way  " — 

His  eulogium  was  interrupted  by  the  arrival  of  the  old 

Duke  of  N ;  who,  squeezing  into  the  circle  with  a  busy 

face  of  importance,  thrust  his  head  into  every  countenance, 
as  if  he  had  been  in  search  of  somebody,  to  whom  he  wanted 
to  impart  something  of  great  consequence.  My  uncle,  who 
had  been  formerly  known  to  him,  bowed  as  he  passed,  and 
the  duke,  seeing  himself  saluted  so  respectfully  by  a  well- 
dressed  person,  was  not  slow  in  returning  the  courtesy.  He 
even  came  up,  and  taking  him  cordially  by  the  hand,  *'  My 

dear  friend,  Mr.  A ,"  said  he,  "  I  am  rejoiced  to  see  you. 

How  long  have  you  been  come  from  abroad?  How  did  you 
leave  our  good  friends  the  Dutch  ?  The  King  of  Prussia  don't 
think  of  another  war,  ah?  He's  a  great  king!  a  great  con- 
queror I  a  very  great  conqueror !  Your  Alexanders  and  Han- 
nibals  were  nothing  at  all  to  him,  sir — corporals !  drummers ! 
dross !  mere  trash — d — n'd  trash,  heh  ?  "  His  grace  being  by 
this  time  out  of  breath,  my  uncle  took  the  opportunity  to  tell 
him  he  had  not  been  out  of  England,  that  his  name  was  Bram- 
ble, and  that  he  had  the  honour  to  sit  in  the  last  parliament 
but  one  of  the  late  King,  as  representative  for  the  borough 
of  Dymkymraig.  "  Odso !  "  cried  the  duke,  "  I  remember  you 
perfectly  well,  my  dear  Mr.  Bramble.  You  was  always  a 
good  and  loyal  subject — a  staunch  friend  to  administration — 
I  made  your  brother  an  Irish  bishop  " —  "  Pardon  me,  my 
lord,"  said  the  squire,  "  I  once  had  a  brother,  but  he  was  a 
captain  in  the  army  " —  "  Ha !  "  said  his  grace,  "  he  was  so 
— He  was  indeed!    But  who  was  the  bishop  then?    Bishop 

lOO 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

Blackberry — sure  it  was  Bishop  Blackberry — perhaps  some 
relation  of  yours  " —  "Very  Hkely,  my  lord,"  replied  my  uncle, 
"  the  blackberry  is  the  fruit  of  the  bramble — ^but  I  believe  the 
bishop  is  not  a  berry  of  our  bush  " —  "  No  more  he  is,  no 
more  he  is,  ha,  ha,  ha !  "  exclaimed  the  duke ;  "  there  you  give 
me  a  scratch,  good  Mr.  Bramble,  ha,  ha,  ha! — Well,  I  shall 
be  glad  to  see  you  at  Lincoln's-Inn-Fields — you  know  the  way 
— times  are  altered.  Though  I  have  lost  the  power  I  retain 
the  inclination. — Your  very  humble  servant,  good  Mr.  Black- 
berry " —  So  saying,  he  shoved  to  another  comer  of  the 
room. 

''What  a  fine  old  gentleman!"  cried  Mr.  Barton;  "what 
spirits!  what  a  memory! — He  never  forgets  an  old  friend." 
— "  He  does  me  too  much  honour,"  observed  our  squire,  "  to 
rank  me  among  the  number.  Whilst  I  sat  in  parliament,  I 
never  voted  with  the  ministry  but  three  times,  when  my  con- 
science told  me  they  were  in  the  right.  However,  if  he  still 
keeps  levee,  I  will  carry  my  nephew  thither,  that  he  may  see, 
and  learn  to  avoid  the  scene;  for  I  think  an  English  gentle- 
man never  appears  to  such  disadvantage,  as  at  the  levee  of  a 
minister.  Of  his  grace  I  shall  say  nothing  at  present,  but  that 
for  thirty  years  he  was  the  constant  and  common  butt  of 
ridicule  and  execration.  He  was  generally  laughed  at  as  an 
ape  in  politics,  whose  office  and  influence  served  only  to  ren- 
der his  folly  the  more  notorious;  and  the  opposition  cursed 
him  as  the  indefatigable  drudge  of  a  first  mover,  who  was 
justly  styled  and  stigmatised  as  the  father  of  corruption.  But 
this  ridiculous  ape,  this  venal  drudge,  no  sooner  lost  the  places 
he  was  so  ill  qualified  to  fill,  and  unfurled  the  banners  of  fac- 
tion, than  he  was  metamorphosed  into  a  pattern  of  public 
virtue ;  the  very  people  who  reviled  him  before,  now  extolled 
him  to  the  skies,  as  a  wise,  experienced  statesman,  chief  pillar 
of  the  Protestant  succession,  and  comer-stone  of  English 
liberty.  I  should  be  glad  to  know  how  Mr.  Barton  reconciles 
these  contradictions,  without  obliging  us  to  resign  all  title  to 
the  privilege  of  common  sense." — "  My  dear  sir,"  answered 
Barton,  "  I  don't  pretend  to  justify  the  extravagancies  of  the 
multitude,  who  I  suppose  were  as  wild  in  their  former  cen- 
sure, as  in  their  present  praise ;  but  I  shall  be  very  glad  to  at- 
tend you  on  Thursday  next  to  his  grace's  levee ;  where,  I  am 

lOI 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

afraid,  we  shall  not  be  crowded  with  company ;  for,  you  know, 
there's  a  wide  difference  between  his  present  office  of  Presi- 
dent of  the  Council,  and  his  former  post  of  First  Lord  Com- 
missioner of  the  Treasury.'' 

This  communicative  friend  having  announced  all  the  re- 
markable characters  of  both  sexes  that  appeared  at  court,  we 
resolved  to  adjourn,  and  retired.  At  the  foot  of  the  staircase, 
there  was  a  crowd  of  lacqueys  and  chairmen,  and  in  the  midst 
of  them  stood  Humphry  Clinker,  exalted  upon  a  stool,  with 
his  hat  in  one  hand,  and  a  paper  in  the  other,  in  the  act  of 
holding  forth  to  the  people.  Before  we  could  inquire  into 
the  meaning  of  this  exhibition,  he  perceived  his  master,  thrust 
the  paper  into  his  pocket,  descended  from  his  elevation,  bolted 
through  the  crowd,  and  brought  up  the  carriage  to  the  gate. 

My  uncle  said  nothing  till  we  were  seated,  when,  after  hav- 
ing looked  at  me  earnestly  for  some  time,  he  burst  out  a 
laughing,  and  asked  me  if  I  knew  upon  what  subject  Clinker 
was  holding  forth  to  the  mob  ?  "  If,"  said  he,  "  the  fellow 
has  turned  mountebank,  I  must  turn  him  out  of  my  service, 
otherwise  he'll  make  Merry  Andrews  of  us  all."  I  observed, 
that,  in  all  probability,  he  had  studied  physic  under  his  master, 
who  was  a  farrier. 

At  dinner,  the  squire  asked  him  if  he  had  ever  practised 
physic  ?  "  Yes,  and  please  your  honour,"  said  he,  "  among 
brute  beasts;  but  I  never  meddle  with  rational  creatures." — 
"  I  know  not  whether  you  rank  in  that  class  the  audience  you 
was  haranguing  in  the  court  at  St.  James's,  but  I  should  be 
glad  to  know  what  kind  of  powders  you  was  distributing,  and 
whether  you  had  a  good  sale." — "  Sale,  sir,"  cried  Clinker, 
"  I  hope  I  shall  never  be  base  enough  to  sell  for  gold  and 
silver  what  freely  comes  of  God's  grace.  I  distributed  noth- 
ing, an'  like  your  honour,  but  a  word  of  advice  to  my  fellows 
in  servitude  and  sin." — "  Advice !  concerning  what  ?  " — "Con- 
cerning profane  swearing,  an'  please  your  honour;  so  horrid 
and  shocking,  that  it  made  my  hair  stand  on  end." — "  Nay, 
if  thou  canst  cure  them  of  that  disease,  I  shall  think  thee  a 
wonderful  doctor  indeed." — "  Why  not  cure  them,  my  good 
master?  the  hearts  of  those  poor  people  are  not  so  stubborn 
as  your  honour  seems  to  think.  Make  them  first  sensible  that 
you  have  nothing  in  view  but  their  good,  then  they  will  listen 

102 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

with  patience,  and  easily  be  convinced  of  the  sin  and  folly  of 
a  practice  that  affords  neither  profit  nor  pleasure."  At  this 
remark  our  uncle  changed  colour,  and  looked  round  the  com- 
pany, conscious  that  his  oivn  withers  were  not  altogether  tin- 
zvrimg.  "  But,  Clinker,"  said  he,  "  if  you  should  have  elo- 
quence enough  to  persuade  the  vulgar  to  resign  those  tropes 
and  figures  of  rhetoric,  there  will  be  little  or  nothing  left  to 
distinguish  their  conversation  from  that  of  their  betters." — • 
"  But  then,  your  honour  knows,  their  conversation  will  be 
void  of  offence ;  and  at  the  day  of  judgment,  there  will  be  no 
distinction  of  persons." 

Humphry  going  downstairs  to  fetch  up  a  bottle  of  wine, 
my  uncle  congratulated  his  sister  upon  having  such  a  re- 
former in  the  family,  when  Mrs.  Tabitha  declared  he  was  a 
sober,  civilised  fellow,  very  respectful,  and  very  industrious, 
and,  she  believed,  a  good  Christian  into  the  bargain.  One 
would  think  Clinker  must  really  have  some  very  extraordi- 
nary talent  to  ingratiate  himself  in  this  manner  with  a  virago 
of  her  character,  so  fortified  against  him  with  prejudice  and 
resentment;  but  the  truth  is,  since  the  adventure  of  Salthill, 
Mrs.  Tabby  seems  to  be  entirely  changed.  She  has  left  off 
scolding  the  servants,  an  exercise  which  was  grown  habitual, 
and  even  seemed  necessary  to  her  constitution,  and  is  become 
so  indift'erent  to  Chowder  as  to  part  with  him  in  a  present  to 
Lady  Griskin,  who  proposes  to  bring  the  breed  of  him  into 
fashion.  Her  ladyship  is  the  widow  of  Sir  Timothy  Griskin, 
a  distant  relation  of  our  family.  She  enjoys  a  fortune  of  five 
hundred  pounds  a  year,  and  makes  shift  to  spend  three  times 
that  sum.  Her  character,  before  marriage,  was  a  little  equiv- 
ocal, but  at  present  she  lives  in  the  bon  ton,  keeps  card-tables, 
gives  private  suppers  to  select  friends,  and  is  visited  by  per- 
sons of  the  first  fashion.  She  has  been  remarkably  civil  to 
us  all,  and  cultivates  my  uncle  with  the  most  particular  re- 
gard ;  but  the  more  she  strokes  him,  the  more  his  bristles  seem 
to  rise.  To  her  compliments  he  makes  very  laconic  and  dry 
returns.  T'other  day  she  sent  us  a  pottle  of  fine  strawberries, 
which  he  did  not  receive  without  signs  of  disgust,  muttering 
from  the  ^neid,  Timeo  Danaos  et  dona  ferentes.  She  has 
twice  called  for  Liddy,  of  a  forenoon,  to  take  an  airing  in  the 
coach;  but  Mrs.  Tabby  was  always  so  alert  (I  suppose  by  his 

103 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

direction,)  that  she  never  could  have  the  niece  without  the 
aunt's  company.  I  have  endeavoured  to  sound  Squaretoes  on 
this  subject,  but  he  carefully  avoids  all  explanation. 

I  have  now,  dear  Phillips,  filled  a  whole  sheet,  and  if  you 
have  read  it  to  an  end,  1  dare  say  you  are  as  tired  as  your 
humble  servant,  J.  Melford. 

London,  June  2. 


To  Dr.  Lewis. 

Yes^  dear  doctor,  I  have  seen  the  British  Museum,  which 
is  a  noble  collection,  and  even  stupendous,  if  we  consider  it 
was  made  by  a  private  man,  a  physician,  who  was  obliged  to 
make  his  own  fortune  at  the  same  time ;  but,  great  as  the  col- 
lection is,  it  would  appear  more  striking  if  it  was  arranged 
in  one  spacious  saloon,  instead  of  being  divided  into  different 
apartments,  which  it  does  not  entirely  fill.  I  could  wish  the 
series  of  medals  was  connected,  and  the  whole  of  the  animal, 
vegetable,  and  mineral  kingdoms  completed,  by  adding  to 
each,  at  the  public  expense,  those  articles  that  are  wanting. 
It  would  likewise  be  a  great  improvement,  with  respect  to  the 
library,  if  the  deficiencies  were  made  up  by  purchasing  all 
the  books  of  character  that  are  not  to  be  found  already  in  the 
collection.  They  might  be  classed  in  centuries,  according  to 
the  dates  of  their  publication,  and  catalogues  printed  of  them 
and  the  manuscripts,  for  the  information  of  those  that  want 
to  consult  or  compile  from  such  authorities.  I  could  also 
wish,  for  the  honour  of  the  nation,  that  there  was  a  complete 
apparatus  for  a  course  of  mathematics,  mechanics,  and  ex- 
perimental philosophy,  and  a  good  salary  settled  upon  an 
able  professor,  who  should  give  regular  lectures  on  these 
subjects. 

But  this  is  all  idle  speculation,  which  will  never  be  reduced 
to  practice.  Considering  the  temper  of  the  times,  it  is  a  won- 
der to  see  any  institution  whatsoever  established  for  the  bene- 
fit of  the  public.  The  spirit  of  party  is  risen  to  a  kind  of 
frenzy,  unknown  to  former  ages,  or  rather  degenerated  to  a 
total  extinction  of  honesty  and  candour.  You  know  I  have 
observed,  for  some  time,  that  the  public  papers  are  become  the 
infamous  vehicles  of  the  most  cruel  and  perfidious  defama- 

104 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

tion.  Every  rancorous  knave,  every  desperate  incendiary,  that 
can  afford  to  spend  half  a  crown  or  three  shilHngs,  may  skulk 
behind  the  press  of  a  newsmonger,  and  have  a  stab  at  the  first 
character  in  the  kingdom,  without  running  the  least  hazard  of 
detection  or  punishment. 

I  have  made  acquaintance  with  a  Mr.  Barton,  whom  Jerry 
knew  at  Oxford ;  a  good  sort  of  a  man,  though  most  ridicu- 
lously warped  in  his  political  principles;  but  his  partiality  is 
the  least  offensive,  as  it  never  appears  in  the  style  of  scurrility 
and  abuse.  He  is  a  member  of  parliament,  and  a  retainer  to 
the  court ;  and  his  whole  conversation  turns  upon  the  virtues 
and  perfections  of  the  ministers  who  are  his  patrons.  T'other 
day,  when  he  was  bedaubing  one  of  those  worthies  with  the 
most  fulsome  praise,  I  told  him  I  had  seen  the  same  nobleman 
characterised  very  differently  in  one  of  the  daily  papers;  in- 
deed, so  stigmatised,  that  if  one  half  of  what  was  said  of  him 
was  true,  he  must  be  not  only  unfit  to  rule,  but  even  unfit  to 
live;  that  those  impeachments  had  been  repeated  again  and 
again,  with  the  addition  of  fresh  matter ;  and  that,  as  he  had 
taken  no  steps  towards  his  own  vindication,  I  began  to  think 
there  was  some  foundation  for  the  charge. 

"  And  pray,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Barton,  "  what  steps  would  you 
have  him  take?  Suppose  you  should  prosecute  the  publisher, 
who  screens  the  anonymous  accuser,  and  bring  him  to  the 
pillory  for  a  libel ;  this  is  so  far  from  being  counted  a  punish- 
ment in  terrorem,  that  it  will  probably  make  his  fortune.  The 
multitude  immediately  take  him  into  their  protection,  as  a 
martyr  to  the  cause  of  defamation,  which  they  have  always 
espoused.  They  pay  his  fine,  they  contribute  to  the  increase 
of  his  stock,  his  shop  is  crowded  with  customers,  and  the  sale- 
of  his  paper  rises  in  proportion  to  the  scandal  it  contains.  All 
this  time  the  prosecutor  is  inveighed  against  as  a  tyrant  and 
oppressor,  for  having  chosen  to  proceed  by  the  way  of  in- 
formation, which  is  deemed  a  grievance ;  but  if  he  lays  an 
action  for  damages  he  must  prove  the  damage,  and  I  leave 
you  to  judge  whether  a  gentleman's  character  may  not  be 
brought  hito  contempt,  and  all  his  views  in  life  blasted  by 
calumny,  without  his  being  able  to  specify  the  particulars  of 
the  damage  he  has  sustained.  This  spirit  of  defamation  is 
a  kind  of  heresy  that  thrives  under  prosecution.    The  liberty 

105 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF, 

of  the  press  is  a  term  of  great  efficacy,  and,  like  that  of  the 
Protestant  religion,  has  often  served  the  purposes  of  sedition. 
A  minister,  therefore,  must  arm  himself  with  patience,  and 
bear  those  attacks  without  repining.  Whatever  mischief  they 
may  do  in  other  respects,  they  certainly  contribute,  in  one 
particular,  to  the  advantage  of  government,  for  those  defama- 
tory articles  have  multiplied  papers  in  such  a  manner,  and 
augmented  their  sale  to  such  a  degree,  that  the  duty  upon 
stamps  and  advertisements  has  made  a  very  considerable  ad- 
dition to  the  revenue." 

Certain  it  is,  a  gentleman's  honour  is  a  very  delicate  subject 
to  be  handled  by  a'  jury,  composed  of  men  who  cannot  be 
supposed  remarkable  either  for  sentiment  or  impartiality.  In 
such  a  case,  indeed,  the  defendant  is  tried,  not  only  by  his 
peers,  but  also  by  his  party;  and  I  really  think,  that,  of  all 
patriots,  he  is  the  most  resolute  who  exposes  himself  to  such 
detraction  for  the  sake  of  his  country.  If,  from  the  ignorance 
or  partiality  of  juries,  a  gentleman  can  have  no  redress  from 
law  for  being  defamed  in  a  pamphlet  or  newspaper,  I  know 
but  one  other  method  of  proceeding  against  the  publisher, 
which  is  attended  with  some  risk,  but  has  been  practised  suc- 
cessfully, more  than  once,  in  my  remembrance.  A  regiment 
of  horse  was  represented,  in  one  of  the  newspapers,  as  having 
misbehaved  at  Dettingen;  a  captain  of  that  regiment  broke 
the  publisher's  bones,  telling  him,  at  the  same  time,  if  he  went 
to  law  he  should  certainly  have  the  like  salutation  from  every 

officer  of  the  corps.    Governor took  the  same  satisfaction 

on  the  ribs  of  an  author,  who  traduced  him  by  name  in  a 
periodical  paper.  I  know  a  low  fellow  of  the  same  class,  who, 
being  turned  out  of  Venice  for  his  impudence  and  scurrility, 
retired  to  Lugano,  a  town  of  the  Orisons,  a  free  people,  God 
wot,  where  he  found  a  printing-press,  from  whence  he 
squirted  his  filth  at  some  respectable  characters  in  the  re- 
public which  he  had  been  obliged  to  abandon.  Some  of  these, 
finding  him  out  of  the  reach  of  legal  chastisement,  employed 
certain  useful  instruments,  such  as  may  be  found  in  all  coun- 
tries, to  give  him  the  bastinado,  which,  being  repeated  more 
than  once,  effectually  stopped  the  current  of  his  abuse. 

As  for  the  liberty  of  the  press,  like  every  other  privilege,  it 
must  be  restrained  within  certain  bounds,  for  if  it  is  carried 

io6 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

to  a  breach  of  law,  religion,  and  charity,  it  becomes  one  of 
the  greatest  evils  that  ever  annoyed  the  community.  If  the 
lowest  ruffian  may  stab  your  good  name  with  impunity  in 
England,  will  you  be  so  uncandid  as  to  exclaim  against  Italy 
for  the  practice  of  common  assassination?  To  what  purpose 
is  our  property  secured  if  our  moral  character  is  left  defence- 
less !  People  thus  baited  grow  desperate,  and  the  despair  of 
being  able  to  preserve  one's  character  untainted  by  such  ver- 
min, produces  a  total  neglect  of  fame,  so  that  one  of  the  chief 
incitements  to  the  practice  of  virtue  is  effectually  destroyed. 

Mr.  Barton's  last  consideration,  respecting  the  stamp-duty, 
is  equally  wise  and  laudable  with  another  maxim  which  has 
been  long  adopted  by  our  financiers,  namely,  to  connive  at 
drunkenness,  riot,  and  dissipation,  because  they  enhance  the 
receipt  of  the  excise;  not  reflecting  that,  in  providing  this 
temporary  convenience,  they  are  destroying  the  morals, 
health,  and  industry  of  the  people.  Notwithstanding  my  con- 
tempt for  those  who  flatter  a  minister,  I  think  there  4s  some- 
thing still  more  despicable  in  flattering  a  mob.  When  I  see 
a  man  of  birth,  education,  and  fortune,  put  himself  on  a  level 
with  the  dregs  of  the  people,  mingle  with  low  mechanics,  feed 
with  them  at  the  same  board,  and  drink  with  them  in  the  same 
cup,  flatter  their  prejudices,  harangue  in  praise  of  their  vir- 
tues, expose  themselves  to  the  belchings  of  their  beer,  the 
fumes  (jf  their  tobacco,  the  grossness  of  their  familiarity,  and 
the  impertinence  of  their  conversation,  I  cannot  help  despising 
him,  as  a  man  guilty  of  the  vilest  prostitution,  in  order  to 
effect  a  purpose  equally  selfish  and  illiberal. 

I  should  renounce  politics  the  more  willingly,  if  I  could 
find  other  topics  of  conversation  discussed  with  more  mod- 
esty and  candour;  but  the  demon  of  party  seems  to  have 
usurped  every  department  of  life.  Even  the  world  of  litera- 
ture and  taste  is  divided  into  the  most  virulent  factions,  which 
revile,  decry,  and  traduce  the  works  of  one  another.  Yester- 
day I  went  to  return  an  afternoon's  visit  to  a  gentleman  of 
my  acquaintance,  at  whose  house  I  found  one  of  the  authors 
of  the  present  age,  who  has  written  with  some  success.  As 
I  had  read  one  or  two  of  his  performances,  which  gave  me 
pleasure,  I  was  glad  of  this  opportunity  to  know  his  person; 
but  his  discourse  and  deportment  destroyed  all  the  impres- 

107 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

sions  which  his  writings  had  made  in  his  favour.  He  took 
upon  him  to  decide  dogmatically  upon  every  subject,  without 
deigning  to  show  the  least  cause  for  his  differing  from  the 
general  opinions  of  mankind,  as  if  it  had  been  our  duty  to 
acquiesce  in  the  ipse  dixit  of  this  new  Pythagoras.  He  re- 
judged  the  characters  of  all  the  principal  authors,  who  had 
died  within  a  century  of  the  present  time;  and,  in  this  re- 
vision, paid  no  sort  of  regard  to  the  reputation  they  had  ac- 
quired. Milton  was  harsh  and  prosaic,  Dryden  languid  and 
verbose,  Butler  and  Swift  without  humour,  Congreve  with- 
out wit,  and  Pope  destitute  of  any  sort  of  poetical  merit;  as 
for  his  contemporaries,  he  could  not  bear  to  hear  one  of  them 
mentioned  with  any  degree  of  applause ;  they  were  all  dunces, 
pedants,  plagiaries,  quacks,  and  impostors ;  and  you  could  not 
name  a  single  performance  but  what  was  tame,  stupid,  and 
insipid.  It  must  be  owned,  that  this  writer  had  nothing  to 
charge  his  conscience  with  on  the  side  of  flattery;  for,  I  un- 
derstand, he  was  never  known  to  praise  one  line  that  was 
written  even  by  those  with  whom  he  lived  in  terms  of  good 
fellowship.  This  arrogance  and  presumption,  in  depreciating 
authors  for  whose  reputation  the  company  may  be  interested, 
is  such  an  insult  upon  the  understanding,  as  I  could  not  bear 
without  wincing. 

I  desired  to  know  his  reasons  for  decrying  some  works 
which  had  afforded  me  uncommon  pleasure;  and,  as  demon- 
stration did  not  seem  to  be  his  talent,  I  dissented  from  his 
opinion  with  great  freedom.  Having  been  spoiled  by  the  def- 
erence and  humility  of  his  hearers,  he  did  not  bear  contradic- 
tion with  much  temper;  and  the  dispute  might  have  grown 
wann,  had  it  not  been  interrupted  by  the  entrance  of  a  rival 
bard,  at  whose  appearance  he  always  quits  the  place.  They 
are  of  different  cabals,  and  have  been  at  open  war  these 
twenty  years.  If  the  other  was  dogmatical,  this  genius  was 
declamatory;  he  did  not  discourse,  but  harangue;  and  his 
orations  were  equally  tedious  and  turgid.  He  too  pronounced 
ex  cathedra  upon  the  characters  of  his  contemporaries;  and 
though  he  scruples  not  to  deal  out  praise  even  lavishly  to  the 
lowest  reptile  in  Grub  Street,  who  will  either  flatter  him  in 
private,  or  mount  the  public  rostrum  as  his  panegyrist,  he 
damns  all  the  other  writers  of  the  age  with  the  utmost  inso- 

io8 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

lence  and  rancour.  One  is  a  blunderbuss,  as  being  a  native 
of  Ireland;  another  a  half-starved  louse  of  literature,  fl-om 
the  banks  of  the  Tweed;  a  third  an  ass,  because  he  enjoys  a 
pension  from  government ;  a  fourth  the  very  angel  of  dulness, 
because  he  succeeded  in  a  species  of  writing  in  which  this 
Aristarchus  had  failed ;  a  fifth,  who  presumed  to  make  strict- 
ures upon  one  of  his  performances,  he  holds  as  a  bug  in  criti- 
cism, whose  strength  is  more  offensive  than  his  sting;  in 
short,  except  himself  and  his  myrmidons,  there  is  not  a  man 
of  learning  or  genius  in  the  three  kingdoms.  As  for  the  suc- 
cess of  those  who  have  written  without  the  pale  of  this  con- 
federacy, he  imputes  it  entirely  to  want  of  taste  in  the  public ; 
not  considering,  that  to  the  approbation  of  that  very  tasteless 
public,  he  himself  owes  all  the  consequence  he  has  in  life. 

Those  originals  are  not  fit  for  conversation.  If  they  would 
maintain  the  advantage  they  have  gained  by  their  writing, 
they  should  never  appear  but  upon  paper;  for  my  part,  I  am 
shocked  to  find  a  man  have  sublime  ideas  in  his  head,  and 
nothing  but  illiberal  sentiments  in  his  heart.  The  human  soul 
will  be  generally  found  most  defective  in  the  article  of  can- 
dour. I  am  inclined  to  think,  no  mind  was  ever  wholly  ex- 
empt from  envy,  which,  perhaps,  may  have  been  implanted 
as  an  instinct  essential  to  our  nature.  I  am  afraid  we  some- 
times palliate  this  vice,  under  the  specious  name  of  emulation. 
I  have  known  a  person  remarkably  generous,  humane,  mod- 
erate, and  apparently  self-denying,  who  could  not  hear  even  a 
friend  commended,  without  betraying  marks  of  uneasiness ;  as 
if  that  commendation  had  implied  an  odious  comparison  to 
his  prejudice,  and  every  wreath  of  praise  added  to  the  other's 
character  was  a  garland  plucked  from  his  own  temples;  this 
is  a  malignant  species  of  jealousy,  of  which  I  stand  acquitted 
in  my  own  conscience — whether  it  is  a  vice  or  an  infirmity  I 
leave  you  to  inquire. 

There  is  another  point  which  I  would  much  rather  see  de- 
termined, whether  the  world  was  always  as  contemptible  as 
it  appears  to  me  at  present?  If  the  morals  of  mankind  have 
not  contracted  an  extraordinary  degree  of  depravity  within 
these  thirty  years,  then  must  I  be  infected  with  the  common 
vice  of  old  men,  difUcilis,  querulus  laudator  teniporis  acti;  or, 
which  is  more  probable,  the  impetuous  pursuits  and  avoca- 

109 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

tions  of  youth  have  formerly  hindered  me  from  observing 
those  rotten  parts  of  human  nature,  which  now  appear  so 
offensively  to  my  observation. 

We  have  been  at  court  and  'change,  and  everywhere;  and 
everywhere  we  find  food  for  spleen,  and  subject  for  ridicule. 
My  new  servant,  Humphry  Clinker,  turns  out  a  great  orig- 
inal, and  Tabby  is  a  changed  creature;  she  has  parted  with 
Chowder,  and  does  nothing  but  smile,  like  Malvolio  in  the 
play;  I'll  be  hanged  if  she  is  not  acting  a  part  which  is  not 
natural  to  her  disposition,  for  some  purpose  which  I  have  not 
3'et  discovered. 

With  respect  to  the  characters  of  mankind,  my  curiosity  is 
quite  satisfied ;  I  have  done  with  the  science  of  men,  and  must 
now  endeavour  to  amuse  myself  with  the  novelty  of  things.  I 
am  at  present,  by  a  violent  effort  of  the  mind,  forced  from 
my  natural  bias ;  but  this  power  ceasing  to  act,  I  shall  return 
to  my  solitude  with  redoubled  velocity.  Everything  I  see, 
and  hear,  and  feel,  in  this  great  reservoir  of  folly,  knavery, 
and  sophistication,  contributes  to  enhance  the  value  of  a 
country  life,  in  the  sentiments  of  Yours  always, 

London,  June  8.  Matt.  Bramble. 


To  Mrs.  Mary  Jones,  at  Brambleton  Hall. 

Dear  Mary  Jones, — Lady  Griskin's  butler,  Mr.  Crumb, 
having  got  'squire  Barton  to  frank  me  a  kiver,  I  would  not 
neglect  to  let  you  know  how  it  is  with  me  and  the  rest  of  the 
family. 

I  could  not  rite  by  John  Thomas,  for  because  he  went  away 
in  a  huff,  at  a  minute's  warning.  He  and  Chowder  could  not 
agree,  and  so  they  fitt  upon  the  road,  and  Chowder  bit  his 
thumb,  and  he  swore  he  would  do  him  a  mischief,  and  he  spoke 
saucy  to  mistress,  whereby  the  'squire  turned  him  off  in 
gudgeon ;  and  by  God's  providence  we  picked  up  another  foot- 
man, called  Umphry  Klinker,  a  good  sole  as  ever  broke  bread ; 
which  shows  that  a  scalded  cat  may  pruve  a  good  mouser, 
and  a  hound  be  stanch,  thof  he  has  got  narro  hare  on  his  but- 
tocks ;  but  the  proudest  nose  may  be  bro't  baor  to  the  grind- 
stone by  sickness  and  misfortunes. 

O  Molly,  what  shall  I  say  of  London  ?    All  the  towns  that 

no 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

ever  I  beheld  in  my  born  days  are  no  more  than  Welsh  bar- 
rows and  crumlecks  to  this  wonderful  sitty !  Even  Bath  itself 
is  but  a  fillitch,  in  the  naam  of  God,  one  would  think  there's 
no  end  of  the  streets,  but  the  Lands  End.  Then  there's  such 
a  power  of  people,  going  hurry  skurry!  Such  a  racket  of 
coxes !  Such  a  noise  and  hali-balloo !  So  many  strange  sites 
to  be  seen !  O  gracious !  my  poor  Welsh  brain  has  been  spin- 
ning like  a  top  ever  since  I  came  hither !  And  I  have  seen  the 
Park,  and  the  Paleass  of  Saint  Gimeses,  and  the  king's  and 
the  queen's  magisterial  pursing,  and  the  sweet  young  princes, 
and  the  hillyfents,  and  pybald  ass,  and  all  the  rest  of  the  royal 
family. 

Last  week  I  went  with  mistress  to  the  Tower,  to  see  the 
crowns  and  wild  beastis;  and  there  was  a  monstracious  lion, 
with  teeth  half  a  quarter  long :  and  a  gentleman  bid  me  not  go 
near  him,  if  I  wasn't  a  maid;  being  as  how  he  would  roar, 
and  tear,  and  play  the  dickens.  Now  I  had  no  mind  to  go 
near  him;  for  I  cannot  abide  such  dangerous  honeymils,  not 
I — but  mistress  would  go;  and  the  beast  kept  such  a  roaring 
and  bouncing,  that  I  tho't  he  would  a  broke  his  cage,  and  de- 
voured us  all ;  and  the  gentleman  tittered  forsooth ;  but  I'll 
go  to  death  upon  it,  I  will,  that  my  lady  is  as  good  a  firchen 
as  the  child  unborn;  and  therefore  either  the  gentleman  told 
a  phib,  or  the  lion  oft  to  be  set  in  the  stocks  for  bearing  false 
witness  again  his  neighbour :  for  the  commandment  sayeth, 
Thou  shalt  not  hear  false  witness  against  thy  neighbour. 

I  was  afterwards  of  a  party  at  Sadler's  Wells,  where  I  saw 
such  tumbling  and  dancing  upon  ropes  and  wires,  that  I  was 
frightened,  and  ready  to  go  into  a  fit — I  thought  it  was  all  en- 
chantment ;  and  believing  myself  bewitched,  began  for  to  cry. 
You  knows  as  how  the  witches  in  Wales  fly  upon  broomsticks, 
but  here  was  flying  without  any  broomstick,  or  thing  in  the 
varsal  world,  and  firing  of  pistols  in  the  air,  and  blowing  of 
trumpets,  and  swinging,  and  rolling  of  wheel-barrows  upon 
a  wire  (God  bliss  us !)  no  thicker  than  a  sewing  thread;  that, 
to  be  sure,  they  must  deal  with  the  devil.  A  fine  gentleman 
with  a  pig's  tail,  and  a  golden  sord  by  his  side,  came  to  comfit 
me,  and  oflFered  for  to  treat  me  with  a  pint  of  wind ;  but  I 
would  not  stay ;  and  so  in  going  through  the  dark  passage,  he 
began  to  show  his  cloven  futt,  and  went  for  to  be  rude;  my 

III 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

fellow-servant  Umphry  "Klmker  bid  him  to  be  sivil,  and  he 
gave  the  young  man  a  dowse  in  the  chops ;  but,  i'fackins,  Mr. 
Clinker  wa'n't  long  in  his  debt — with  a  good  oaken  sapling- 
he  dusted  his  doublet,  for  all  his  golden  cheese  toaster;  and, 
lipping  me  under  his  arm,  carried  me  huom,  I  nose  not  how, 
being  1  was  in  such  a  flustration.  But,  thank  God !  I'm  now 
vaned  from  all  such  vanities;  for  what  are  all  those  rarities 
and  vagaries  to  the  glories  that  shall  be  revealed  hereafter? 
O  Molly !  let  not  your  poor  heart  be  puffed  up  with  vanity. 

I  had  almost  forgot  to  tell  you,  that  I  have  had  my  hair 
cut  and  pippered,  and  singed,  and  bolstered,  and  buckled  in 
the  newest  fashion,  by  a  French  freezer.  Parley  vow  Francey 
— Vee  Madmansell.  I  now  carries  my  head  higher  than  ar- 
row private  gentlewoman  of  \^ales.  Last  night,  coming  huom 
from  the  meeting,  I  was  taken  by  lamp-light  for  an  imminent 
poulterer's  daughter,  a  great  beauty.  But,  as  I  was  saying, 
this  is  all  vanity  and  vexation  of  spirit.  The  pleasures  of 
London  are  no  better  than  sower  whey  and  stale  cyder,  when 
compared  to  the  joys  of  the  New  Gerusalem. 

Dear  Mary  Jones!  An'  please  God,  when  I  return  I'll 
bring  you  a  new  cap,  with  a  turkeyshell  coom,  and  a  pyehouse 
sermon,  that  was  preached  in  the  tabernacle ;  and  I  pray  of  all 
love,  you  will  mind  your  vriting  and  your  spelling :  for,  crav- 
ing your  pardon,  Molly,  it  made  me  suet  to  disseyffer  your 
last  scrabble,  which  was  delivered  by  the  hind  at  Bath.  O 
voman!  voman!  if  thou  hadst  but  the  least  consumption  of 
what  pleasure  we  scullers  have,  when  we  can  cumster  the 
crabbidst  buck  off  hand,  and  spell  the  ethnitch  vords,  without 
looking  at  the  Primmer.  As  for  Mr.  Klinker,  he  is  qualified 
to  be  clerk  to  a  parish.  But  I'll  say  no  more.  Remember  me 
to  Saul — poor  sole !  it  goes  to  my  hart  to  think  she  don't  yet 
know  her  letters.  But  all  in  God's  good  time.  It  shall  go 
hard,  but  I  will  bring  her  the  A  B  C  in  gingerbread ;  and  that, 
you  nose,  will  be  learning  to  her  taste. 

Mistress  says,  we  are  going  a  long  gumey  to  the  north ;  but 
go  where  we  will,  I  shall  ever  be,  dear  Mary  Jones,  yours  witli 
true  infection.  Win  Jexkixs. 

London,  June  3. 

112 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

To  Sir  Watkin  Phillips,  Bart,  of  Jesus  College,  Oxon. 

Dear  Wat, — I  mentioned  in  my  last,  my  uncle's  design  of 

going  to  the  Duke  of  N 's  levee,  which  design  has  been 

executed  accordingly.  His  grace  has  been  so  long  accustomed 
to  this  kind  of  homage,  that,  though  the  place  he  now  fills 
does  not  imply  the  tenth  part  of  the  influence  which  he  exerted 
in  his  former  office,  he  has  given  his  friends  to  understand, 
that  they  cannot  oblige  him  in  anything  more  than  in  con- 
tributing to  support  the  shadow  of  that  power  which  he  no 
longer  retains  in  substance;  and  therefore  he  has  still  public 
days,  on  which  they  appear  at  his  levee.  My  uncle  and  I  went 
thither  with  Mr.  Barton,  who,  being  one  of  the  duke's  adher- 
ents, undertook  to  be  our  introducer.  The  room  was  pretty 
well  filled  with  people,  in  a  great  variety  of  dress;  but  there 
was  no  more  than  one  gown  and  cassock,  though  I  was  told 
his  grace  had,  while  he  was  minister,  preferred  almost  every 
individual  that  now  filled  the  bench  of  bishops  in  the  House 
of  Lords;  but,  in  all  probability,  the  gratitude  of  the  clergy 
is  like  their  charity,  which  shuns  the  light. 

Mr.  Barton  was  immediately  accosted  by  a  person  well 
stricken  in  years,  tall  and  raw-boned,  with  a  hook  nose,  and 
an  arch  leer,  that  indicated  at  least  as  much  cunning  as 
sagacity.    Our  conductor  saluted  him  by  the  name  of  Captain 

C ,  and  afterwards  informed  us  he  was  a  man  of  shrewd 

parts,  whom  the  government  occasionally  employed  in  secret 
services.  But  I  have  had  the  history  of  him  more  at  large 
from  another  quarter.  He  had  been,  many  years  ago,  con- 
cerned in  fraudulent  practices,  as  a  merchant,  in  France ;  and, 
being  convicted  of  some  of  them,  was  sent  to  the  galleys,  from 
whence  he  was  delivered  by  the  interest  of  the  late  Duke  of 
C^rmond,  to  whom  he  had  recommended  himself  in  a  letter, 
as  his  namesake  and  relation.  He  was,  in  the  sequel,  em- 
ployed by  our  ministry  as  a  spy;  and,  in  the  war  of  1740, 
traversed  all  Spain,  as  well  as  France,  in  the  disguise  of  a  cap- 
uchin, at  the  extreme  hazard  of  his  life,  inasmuch  as  the  Court 
of  Madrid  had  actually  got  scent  of  him,  and  given  orders  to 
apprehend  him  at  St.  Sebastian's,  from  whence  he  had  fortu- 
nately retired  but  a  few  hours  before  the  order  arrived.  This 
and  other  hairbreadth  'scapes  he  pleaded  so  effectually  with 
the  English  ministry,  that  they  allowed  him  a  comfortable 

•  J13 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

pension,  which  he  now  enjoys  in  his  old  age.  He  has  still 
access  to  all  the  ministers,  and  is  said  to  be  consulted  by  them 
on  many  subjects,  as  a  man  of  uncommon  understanding  and 
great  experience.  He  is  in  fact  a  fellow  of  some  parts,  and 
invincible  assurance;  and,  in  his  discourse,  he  assumes  such 
an  air  of  self-sufficiency,  as  may  very  well  impose  upon  some 
of  the  shallow  politicians  who  now  labour  at  the  helm  of  ad- 
ministration. But,  if  he  is  not  belied,  this  is  not  the  only  im- 
posture of  which  he  is  guilty.  They  say,  he  is  at  bottom  not 
only  a  Roman  Catholic,  but  really  a  priest;  and,  while  he 
pretends  to  disclose  to  our  state-pilots  all  the  springs  that 
move  the  Cabinet  of  Versailles,  he  is  actually  picking  up  in- 
telligence for  the  service  of  the  French  minister. 

Be  that  as  it  may.  Captain  C entered  into  conversation 

with  us  in  the  most  familiar  manner,  and  treated  the  duke's 
character  without  any  ceremony.  "  This  wiseacre,"  said  he, 
"  is  still  a-bed ;  and,  I  think,  the  best  thing  he  can  do  is  to  sleep 
on  till  Christmas;  for,  when  he  gets  up,  he  does  nothing  but 
expose  his  own  folly.  Since  Grenville  was  turned  out,  there 
has  been  no  minister  in  this  nation  worth  the  meal  that  whit- 
ened his  periwig.  They  are  so  ignorant,  they  scarce  know  a 
crab  from  a  cauliflower ;  and  then  they  are  such  dunces,  that 
there's  no  making  them  comprehend  the  plainest  proposition. 
In  the  beginning  of  the  war,  this  poor  half-witted  creature 
told  me,  in  a  great  fright,  that  thirty  thousand  French  had 
marched  from  Acadia  to  Cape  Breton.  '  Where  did  they  find 
transports  ? '  said  I.  *  Transports ! '  cried  he,  *  I  tell  you  they 
marched  by  land.' — '  By  land  to  the  island  of  Cape  Breton ! ' 
— '  What !  is  Cape  Breton  an  island  ?  ' — '  Certainly.' — '  Hah  ! 
are  you  sure  of  that  ? '  When  I  pointed  it  out  in  the  map,  he 
examined  it  earnestly  with  his  spectacles;  then  taking  me  in 

his  arms,  *  My  dear  C ! '  cried  he,  '  you  always  bring  us 

good  news.  Egad !  I'll  go  directly,  and  tell  the  King  that 
Cape  Breton  is  an  island.'  " 

He  seemed  disposed  to  entertain  us  with  more  anecdotes  of 
this  nature,  at  the  expense  of  his  grace,  when  he  was  inter- 
rupted by  the  arrival  of  the  Algerine  ambassador,  a  venerable 
Turk,  with  a  long  white  beard,  attended  by  his  dragoman,  or 
interpreter,  and  another  officer  of  his  household,  who  had  got 
no  stockings  to  his  legs.     Captain  C immediately  spoke 

114 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

with  an  air  of  authority  to  a  servant  in  waiting,  bidding  hira 
go  and  tell  the  duke  to  rise,  as  there  was  a  great  deal  of  com- 
pany come,  and,  among  others,  the  ambassador  from  Algiers. 
Then  turning  to  us,  "  This  poor  Turk,"  said  he,  "  notwith- 
standing his  grey  beard,  is  a  greenhorn.  He  has  been  several 
years  resident  at  London,  and  still  is  ignorant  of  our  political 
revolutions.  This  visit  is  intended  for  the  prime  minister  of 
England ;  but  you'll  see  how  this  wise  duke  will  receive  it  as 
a  mark  of  attachment  to  his  own  person."  Certain  it  is,  the 
duke  seemed  eager  to  acknowledge  the  compliment.  A  door 
opening,  he  suddenly  bolted  out,  with  a  shaving  cloth  under 
his  chin,  his  face  frothed  up  to  the  eyes  with  soap  lather ;  and, 
running  up  to  the  ambassador,  grinned  hideous  in  his  face — 
"  My  dear  Mahomet,"  said  he,  "  God  love  your  long  beard ; 
I  hope  the  Dey  will  make  you  a  horse-tail  at  the  next  promo- 
tion, ha,  ha,  ha !  Have  but  a  moment's  patience,  and  I'll  send 
to  you  in  a  twinkling."  So  saying,  he  retreated  into  his  den, 
leaving  the  Turk  in  some  confusion.  After  a  short  pause, 
however,  he  said  something  to  his  interpreter,  the  meaning 
of  which  I  had  great  curiosity  to  know,  as  he  turned  up  his 
eyes  while  he  spoke,  expressing  astonishment,  mixed  with 
devotion.    We  were  gratified  by  means  of  the  communicative 

Captain  C ,  who  conversed  with  the  dragoman  as  an  old 

acquaintance.  Ibrahim,  the  ambassador,  who  had  mistaken 
his  grace  for  the  minister's  fool,  was  no  sooner  undeceived  by 
the  interpreter,  than  he  exclaimed  to  this  effect :  "  Holy 
prophet!  I  don't  wonder  that  this  nation  prospers,  seeing  it 
is  governed  by  the  counsel  of  idiots ;  a  species  of  men,  whom 
all  good  Mussulmen  revere  as  the  organs  of  immediate  in- 
spiration ! "  Ibrahim  was  favoured  with  a  particular  audi- 
ence of  short  duration;  after  which  the  duke  conducted  him 
to  the  door,  and  then  returned  to  diffuse  his  gracious  looks 
among  the  crowd  of  his  worshippers. 

As  Mr.  Barton  advanced  to  present  me  to  his  grace,  it  was 
my  fortune  to  attract  his  notice  before  I  was  announced.  He 
forthwith  met  me  more  than  half-way,  and,  seizing  me  by  the 
hand,  "  My  dear  Sir  Francis,"  cried  he,  "  this  is  so  kind — I 
vow  God !  I  am  so  obliged — Such  attention  to  a  poor  broken 
minister — Well — ^pray  when  does  your  Excellency  sail? — For 
God's  sake  have  a  care  of  your  health,  and  eat  stewed  prunes 

115 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

in  the  passage — Next  to  your  own  precious  health,  pray,  my 
dear  Excellency,  take  care  of  the  five  nations — Our  good 
friends  the  five  nations — The  Toryrories,  the  Maccolmacks, 
the  Out-o'-the-Ways,  the  Crickets,  and  the  Kickshaws — Let 
'em  have  plenty  of  blankets,  and  stinkubuss,  and  wampum; 
and  your  Excellency  won't  fail  to  scour  the  kettle,  and  boil 
the  chain,  and  bury  the  tree,  and  plant  the  hatchet — Ha, 
ha,  ha!" 

When  he  had  uttered  this  rhapsody,  with  his  usual  precipi- 
tation, Mr.  Barton  gave  him  to  understand  that  I  was  neither 
Sir  Francis,  nor  St.  Francis ;  but  simply  Mr,  Melford,  nephew 
to  Mr.  Bramble ;  who,  stepping  forward,  made  his  bow  at  the 
same  time.  "  Odso !  no  more  it  is  Sir  Francis,"  said  this 
wise  statesman — "  Mr.  Melford,  I  am  glad  to  see  you — I  sent 
you  an  engineer  to  fortify  your  dock — Mr.  Bramble — your 
servant,  Mr.  Bramble — How  d'ye,  good  Mr.  Bramble — Your 
nephew  is  a  pretty  young  fellow — Faith  and  troth  a  very 
pretty  fellow ! — His  father  is  my  old  friend — How  does  he 
hold  it  ? — Still  troubled  with  that  d — ned  disorder,  ha  ?  " — 
"  No,  my  Lord,"  replied  my  uncle,  "  all  his  troubles  are  over. 
He  has  been  dead  these  fifteen  years." — "  Dead !  how — Yes, 
faith !  now  I  remember — He  is  dead,  sure  enough — Well,  and 
how — does  the  young  gentleman  stand  for  Haverford  West? 
or — a — what  d'ye — My  dear  Mr.  Milfordhaven,  I'll  do  you 
all  the  service  in  my  power — I  hope  I  have  some  credit  left " 
— My  uncle  then  gave  him  to  understand  that  I  was  still  a 
.  minor ;  and  that  we  had  no  intention  to  trouble  him  at  present 
for  any  favour  whatsoever.  "  I  came  hither  with  my 
nephew,"  added  he,  "  to  pay  our  respects  to  your  grace ;  and 
I  may  venture  to  say,  that  his  views  and  mine  are  at  least  as 
disinterested  as  those  of  any  individual  in  this  assembly." — 
"  My  dear  Mr.  Brambleberry,  you  do  me  infinite  honour.  I 
shall  always  rejoice  to  see  you  and  your  hopeful  nephew,  Mr. 
Milfordhaven.  My  credit,  such  as  it  is,  you  may  command. 
I  wish  we  had  more  friends  of  your  kidney." 

Then,  turning  to  Captain  C ,  "  Ha,  C !  "  said  he, 

"what  news,  C ?     How  does  the  world  wag,  ha?" — 

"  The  world  wags  much  after  the  old  fashion,  my  Lord,"  an- 
swered the  Captain.  "  The  politicians  of  London  and  West- 
minster have  begun  again  to  wag  their  tongues  against  your 

ii6 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

grace;  and  your  short-lived  popularity  wags  like  a  feather, 
which  the  next  puff  of  anti -ministerial  calumny  will  blow 
away." — "  A  pack  of  rascals,"  cried  the  duke ;  "  Tories,  Ja- 
cobites, rebels;  one  half  of  them  would  wag  their  heels  at 
Tyburn;  if  they  had  their  desert."  So  saying,  he  wheeled 
about ;  and,  going  round  the  levee,  spoke  to  every  individual, 
with  the  most  courteous  familiarity ;  but  he  scarce  ever  opened 
his  mouth  without  making  some  blunder  in  relation  to  the 
person  or  business  of  the  party  with  whom  he  conversed;  so 
that  he  really  looked  like  a  comedian  hired  to  burlesque  the 
character  of  a  minister.  At  length  a  person  of  a  very  pre- 
possessing appearance  coming  in,  his  grace  ran  up,  and  hug- 
ging him  in  his  arms,  with  the  appellation  of  "  My  dear 
Ch — s !  "  led  him  forthwith  into  the  inner  apartment,  or  Sanc- 
tum Sanctorum  of  this  political  temple. 

"  That,"  said  Captain  C ,  "  is  my  friend  C T , 

almost  the  only  man  of  parts  who  has  any  concern  in  the 
present  administration.  Indeed,  he  would  have  no  concern 
at  all  in  the  matter,  if  the  ministry  did  not  find  it  absolutely 
necessary  to  make  use  of  his  talents  upon  some  particular  oc- 
casions. As  for  the  common  business  of  the  nation,  it  is  car- 
ried on  in  a  constant  routine  by  the  clerks  of  the  different 
offices,  otherwise  the  wheels  of  government  would  be  wholly 
stopped  amidst  the  abrupt  succession  of  ministers,  every  one 
more  ignorant  than  his  predecessor.  I  am  thinking  what  a 
fine  hobble  we  should  be  in,  if  all  the  clerks  of  the  Treasury, 
of  the  secretaries,  the  War  Office,  and  the  Admiralty,  should 
take  it  in  their  heads  to  throw  up  their  places  in  imitation  of 
the  great  pensioner.  But  to  return  to  C T ;  he  cer- 
tainly knows  more  than  all  the  ministry  and  all  the  opposition, 
if  their  heads  were  laid  together,  and  talks  like  an  angel  on 
a  vast  variety  of  subjects.  He  would  really  be  a  great  man, 
if  he  had  any  consistency  or  stability  of  character.  Then  it 
must  be  owned,  he  wants  courage,  otherwise  he  would  never 
allow  himself  to  be  cowed  by  the  great  political  bully,  for 
whose  understanding  he  has  justly  a  very  great  contempt.  I 
have  seen  him  as  much  afraid  of  that  overbearing  Hector, 
as  ever  schoolboy  was  of  his  pedagogue ;  and  yet  this  Hector, 
I  shrewdly  suspect,  is  no  more  than  a  craven  at  bottom.  Be- 
sides this  defect,  C ,  has  another,  which  he  is  at  too  little 

117 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

pains  to  hide.  There  is  no  faith  to  be  given  to  his  assertions, 
and  no  trust  to  be  put  in  his  promises.  However,  to  give  the 
devil  his  due,  he  is  very  good-natured;  and  even  friendly, 
when  close  urged  in  the  way  of  solicitation.  As  for  principle, 
that's  out  of  the  question.  In  a  word,  he  is  a  wit  and  an 
orator,  extremely  entertaining;  and  he  shines  very  often  at 
the  expense  even  of  those  ministers  to  whom  he  is  a  retainer. 
This  is  a  mark  of  great  imprudence,  by  which  he  has  made 
them  all  his  enemies,  whatever  face  they  may  put  upon  the 
matter;  and  sooner  or  later  he'll  have  cause  to  wish  he  had 
been  able  to  keep  his  own  counsel.  I  have  several  times  cau- 
tioned him  on  this  subject ;  but  it  is  all  preaching  to  the  desert. 
His  vanity  runs  away  with  his  discretion." 

I  could  not  help  thinking  the  Captain  himself  might  have 
been  the  better  for  some  hints  of  the  same  nature.  His  pan- 
egyric, excluding  principle  and  veracity,  puts  me  in  mind  of 
a  contest  I  once  overheard,  in  the  way  of  altercation,  betwixt 
two  apple-women  in  Spring  Garden.  One  of  those  viragoes 
having  hinted  something  to  the  prejudice  of  the  other's  moral 
character,  her  antagonist,  setting  her  hands  in  her  sides,  re- 
plied, *'  Speak  out,  hussy.  I  scorn  your  malice.  I  own  I  am 
both  a  whore  and  a  thief;  and  what  more  have  you  to  say? 
D — ^n  you,  what  more  have  you  to  say  ?  bating  that,  which  all 
the  world  knows,  I  challenge  you  to  say  black  is  the  white  of 

my  eye."     We  did  not  wait  for  Mr.  T 's  coming  forth; 

but,  after  Captain  C had  characterised  all  the  originals 

in  waiting,  we  adjourned  to  a  coffee-house,  where  we  had 
buttered  muffms  and  tea  to  breakfast,  the  said  Captain  still 
favouring  us  with  his  company.  Nay,  my  uncle  was  so  di- 
verted with  his  an'ecdotes,  that  he  asked  him  to  dinner,  and 
treated  him  with  a  fine  turbot,  to  which  he  did  ample  justice. 
That  same  evening  I  spent  at  the  tavern  with  some  friends, 
one  of  whom  let  me  into  C 's  character,  which  Mr.  Bram- 
ble no  sooner  understood,  than  he  expressed  some  concern  for 
the  connexion  he  had  made,  and  resolved  to  disengage  himself 
from  it  without  ceremony. 

We  are  become  members  of  the  Society  for  the  Encourage- 
ment of  the  Arts,  and  have  assisted  at  some  of  their  delibera- 
tions, which  were  conducted  with  equal  spirit  and  sagacity. 
My  uncle  is  extremely  fond  of  the  institution,  which  will  cer- 

ii8 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

tainly  be  productive  of  great  advantages  to  the  public,  if, 
from  its  democratical  form,  it  does  not  degenerate  into  cabal 
and  corruption.  You  are  already  acquainted  with  his  aver- 
sion to  the  influence  of  the  multitude,  which  he  affirms,  is  in- 
compatible with  excellence,  and  subversive  of  order.  Indeed, 
his  detestation  of  the  mob  has  been  heightened  by  fear,  ever 
since  he  fainted  in  the  room  at  Bath.  And  this  apprehension 
has  prevented  him  from  going  to  the  little  theatre  in  the  Hay- 
market,  and  other  places  of  entertainment,  to  which,  how- 
ever, I  have  had  the  honour  to  attend  the  ladies. 

It  grates  old  Squaretoes  to  reflect,  that  it  is  not  in  his  power 
to  enjoy  even  the  most  elegant  diversions  of  the  capital,  with- 
out the  participation  of  the  vulgar ;  for  they  now  thrust  them- 
selves into  all  assemblies,  from  a  ridotto  at  St.  James's  to  a 
hop  at  Rotherhithe. 

I  have  lately  seen  our  old  acquaintance  Dick  Ivy,  who  we 
imagined  had  died  of  dram-drinking ;  but  he  is  lately  emerged 
from  the  Fleet,  by  means  of  a  pamphlet  which  he  wrote  and 
published  against  the  government  with  some  success.  The 
sale  of  this  performance  enabled  him  to  appear  in  clean  linen, 
and  he  is  now  going  about  soliciting  subscriptions  for  his 
poems ;  but  his  breeches  are  not  yet  in  the  most  decent  order. 
Dick  certainly  deserves  some  countenance  for  his  intrepidity 
and  perseverance.  It  is  not  in  the  power  of  disappointment, 
nor  even  of  damnation,  to  drive  him  to  despair.  After  some 
unsuccessful  essays  in  the  way  of  poetry,  he  commenced 
brandy  merchant,  and  I  believe  his  whole  stock  ran  out 
through  his  own  bowels;  then  he  consorted  with  a  milk- 
woman,  who  kept  a  cellar  in  Petty  France.  But  he  could  not 
make  his  quarters  good;  he  was  dislodged  and  driven  up- 
stairs into  the  kennel  by  a  corporal  in  the  second  regiment 
of  footguards.  He  was  afterwards  the  laureate  of  Black- 
friars,  from  whence  there  was  a  natural  transition  to  the 
Fleet.  As  he  had  formerly  miscarried  in  panegyric,  he  now 
turned  his  thoughts  to  satire,  and  really  seems  to  have  some 
talent  for  abuse.  If  he  can  hold  out  till  the  meeting  of  parlia- 
ment, and  be  prepared  for  another  charge,  in  all  probability 
Dick  will  mount  the  pillory,  or  obtain  a  pension,  in  either  of 
which  events  his  fortune  will  be  made. 

T19 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

Meanwhile  he  has  acquired  some  degree  of  consideration 
with  the  respectable  writers  of  the  age;  and  as  I  have  sub- 
scribed for  his  works,  he  did  me  the  favour  t'other  night  to 
introduce  me  to  a  society  of  those  geniuses,  but  I  found  them 
exceedingly  formal  and  reserved.  They  seemed  afraid  and 
jealous  of  one  another,  and  sat  in  a  state  of  mutual  repulsion, 
like  so  many  particles  of  vapour,  each  surrounded  by  its  own 
electrified  atmosphere.  Dick,  who  has  more  vivacity  than 
judgment,  tried  more  than  once  to  enliven  the  conversation : 
sometimes  making  an  effort  at  wit,  sometimes  letting  off  a 
pun,  and  sometimes  discharging  a  conundrum ;  nay,  at  length 
he  started  a  dispute  upon  the  hackneyed  comparison  betwixt 
blank  verse  and  rhyme,  and  the  professors  opened  with  great 
clamour;  but,  instead  of  keeping  to  the  subject,  they  launched 
out  into  tedious  dissertations  on  the  poetry  of  the  ancients; 
and  one  of  them,  who  had  been  a  schoolmaster,  displayed  his 
whole  knowledge  of  prosody,  gleaned  from  Disputer  and 
Ruddiman.  At  last,  I  ventured  to  say,  I  did  not  see  how  the 
subject  in  (juestion  could  be  at  all  elucidated  by  the  practice 
of  the  ancients,  who  certainly  had  neither  blank  verse  nor 
rhyme  in  their  poems,  which  were  measured  by  feet,  whereas 
ours  are  reckoned  by  the  number  of  syllables.  This  remark 
seemed  to  give  umbrage  to  the  pedant,  who  forthwith  in- 
volved himself  in  a  cloud  of  Greek  and  Latin  quotations, 
which  nobody  attempted  to  dispel.  A  confused  hum  of  insipid 
observations  and  comments  ensued ;  and,  upon  the  whole,  I 
never  passed  a  duller  evening  in  my  life.  Yet,  without  all 
doubt,  some  of  them  were  men  of  learning,  wit,  and  ingenuity. 
As  they  are  afraid  of  making  free  with  one  another,  they 
should  bring  each  his  butt,  or  whetstone,  along  with  him,  for 
the  entertainment  of  the  company.  My  uncle  says  he  never 
desires  to  meet  with  more  than  one  wit  at  a  time.  One  wit, 
like  a  knuckle  of  ham  in  soup,  gives  a  zest  and  flavour  to  the 
dish ;  but  more  than  one  serves  only  to  spoil  the  pottage. 
And  now  I'm  afraid  I  have  given  you  an  unconscionable  mess 
without  any  flavour  at  all ;  for  which,  I  suppose,  you  will 
bestow  your  benediction  upon      Your  friend  and  servant, 

London,  June  5.  J.  Melford. 

120 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 


To  Dr.  Lewis. 


Dear  Lewis^ — Your  fable  of  the  Monkey  and  the  Pig  is 
what  the  Italians  call  hen  trovata.  But  I  shall  not  repeat  it 
to  my  apothecary,  who  is  a  proud  Scotchman,  very  thin- 
skinned,  and,  for  aught  I  know,  may  have  his  degree  in  his 
pocket.  A  right  Scotchman  has  always  two  strings  to  his 
bow,  and  is  in  utrumque  paratus.  Certain  it  is,  I  have  not 
'scaped  a  scouring ;  but,  I  believe,  by  means  of  that  scouring, 
I  have  'scaped  something  worse,  perhaps  a  tedious  fit  of  the 
gout  or  rheumatism ;  for  my  appetite  began  to  flag,  and  I  had 
certain  croakings  in  the  bowels  which  boded  me  no  good. 
Nay,  I  am  not  yet  quite  free  of  those  remembrances,  which 
warn  me  to  be  gone  from  this  centre  of  infection. 

What  temptation  can  a  man  of  my  turn  and  temperament 
have,  to  live  in  a  place  where  every  comer  teems  with  fresh 
objects  of  detestation  and  disgust?  What  kind  of  taste  and 
organs  must  those  people  have,  who  really  prefer  the  adul- 
terated enjoyments  of  the  town  to  the  genuine  pleasures  of  a 
country  retreat?  Most  people,  I  know,  are  originally  seduced 
by  vanity,  ambition,  and  childish  curiosity;  which  cannot  be 
gratified,  but  in  the  busy  haunts  of  men.  But,  in  the  course 
of  this  gratification,  their  very  organs  of  sense  are  perverted, 
and  they  become  habitually  lost  to  every  relish  of  what  is 
genuine  and  excellent  in  its  own  nature. 

Shall  I  state  the  difference  between  my  town  grievances 
and  my  country  comforts?  At  Brambleton  Hall,  I  have 
elbow-room  within  doors,  and  breathe  a  clear,  elastic,  salutary 
air.  I  enjoy  refreshing  sleep,  which  is  never  disturbed  by 
horrid  noise,  nor  interrupted,  but  in  a  morning,  by  the  sweet 
titter  of  the  marlet  at  my  window.  I  drink  the  virgin  lymph, 
pure  and  crystalline  as  it  gushes  from  the  rock,  or  the  spar- 
kling beverage,  home-brewed  from  malt  of  my  own  making; 
or  I  indulge  with  cider,  which  my  own  orchard  affords,  or 
with  claret  of  the  best  growth,  imported  for  my  own  use,  by 
a  correspondent  on  whose  integrity  I  can  depend ;  my  bread 
is  sweet  and  nourishing,  made  from  my  own  wheat,  ground 
in  my  own  mill,  and  baked  in  my  own  oven ;  my  table  is,  in  a 
great  measure,  furnished  from  my  own  ground ;  my  five-year- 
old  mutton,  fed  on  the  fragrant  herbage  of  the  mountains, 

121 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF. 

that  might  vie  with  venison  in  juice  and  flavour;  my  delicious 
veal,  fattened  with  nothing  but  the  mother's  milk,  that  fills 
the  dish  with  gravy;  my  poultry,  from  the  barn-door,  that 
never  knew  confinement  but  when  they  were  at  roost;  my 
rabbits  panting  from  the  warren;  my  game  fresh  from  the 
moors;  my  trout  and  salmon  struggling  from  the  stream; 
oysters  from  their  native  banks;  and  herrings,  with  other 
sea-fish,  I  can  eat  in  four  hours  after  they  are  taken.  My 
salads,  roots,  and  potherbs  my  own  garden  yields  in  plenty 
and  perfection,  the  produce  of  the  natural  soil,  prepared  by 
moderate  cultivation.  The  same  soil  affords  all  the  different 
fruits  which  England  may  call  her  own,  so  that  my  dessert  is 
every  day  fresh  gathered  from  the  tree;  my  dairy  flows  with 
nectareous  tides  of  milk  and  cream,  from  whence  we  derive 
abundance  of  excellent  butter,  curds,  and  cheese;  and  the 
refuse  fattens  my  pigs,  that  are  destined  for  hams  and  bacon. 
I  go  to  bed  betimes,  and  rise  with  the  sun.  I  make  shift  to 
pass  the  hours  without  weariness  or  regret,  and  am  not  desti- 
tute of  amusements  within  doors,  when  the  weather  will  not 
permit  me  to  go  abroad.  I  read,  and  chat,  and  play  at  bil- 
liards, cards,  or  backgammon.  Without  doors,  I  superintend 
my  farm,  and  execute  plans  of  improvement,  the  effects  of 
which  I  enjoy  with  unspeakable  delight.  Nor  do  I  take  less 
pleasure  in  seeing  my  tenants  thrive  under  my  auspices,  and 
the  poor  live  comfortably  by  the  employment  which  I  provide. 
You  know  I  have  one  or  two  sensible  friends,  to  whom  I  can 
open  all  my  heart;  a  blessing  which,  perhaps,  I  might  have 
sought  in  vain  among  the  crowded  scenes  of  life.  There  are 
a  few  others  of  more  humble  parts,  whom  I  esteem  for  their 
integrity;  and  their  conversation  I  find  inoffensive,  though 
not  very  entertaining.  Finally,  I  live  in  the  midst  of  honest 
men  and  trusty  dependants,  who,  I  flatter  myself,  have  a  dis- 
interested attachment  to  my  person.  You  yourself,  my  dear 
doctor,  can  vouch  for  the  truth  of  these  assertions. 

Now,  mark  the  contrast  at  London.  I  am  pent  up  in  frowsy 
lodgings,  where  there  is  not  room  enough  to  swing  a  cat,  and 
I  breathe  the  steams  of  endless  putrefaction ;  and  these  would, 
undoubtedly,  produce  a  pestilence,  if  they  were  not  qualified 
by  the  gross  acid  of  sea-coal,  which  is  itself  a  pernicious 
nuisance  to  lungs  of  any  delicacy  of  texture.    But  even  this 

112. 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

boasted  corrector  cannot  prevent  those  languid  sallow  looks 
that  distinguish  the  inhabitants  of  London  from  those  ruddy 
swains  that  lead  a  country  life.  I  go  to  bed  after  midnight, 
jaded  and  restless  from  the  dissipations  of  the  day.  I  start 
every  hour  from  my  sleep,  at  the  horrid  noise  of  the  watch- 
men bawling  the  hour  through  every  street,  and  thundering  at 
every  door ;  a  set  of  useless  fellows,  who  serve  no  other  pur- 
pose but  that  of  disturbing  the  repose  of  the  inhabitants ;  and, 
by  five  o'clock,  I  start  out  of  bed,  in  consequence  of  the  still 
more  dreadful  alarm  made  by  the  country  carts,  and  noisy 
rustics  bellowing  green  peas  under  my  window.  If  I  would 
drink  water,  I  must  quafi'  the  mawkish  contents  of  an  open 
aqueduct,  exposed  to  all  manner  of  defilement,  or  swallow  that 
which  comes  from  the  river  Thames,  impregnated  with  all 
the  filth  of  London  and  Westminster.  Human  excrement  is 
the  least  offensive  part  of  the  concrete,  which  is  composed  of 
all  the  drugs,  minerals,  and  poisons  used  in  mechanics  and 
manufactures,  enriched  with  the  putrefying  carcases  of 
beasts  and  men,  and  mixed  with  the  scourings  of  all  the  wash- 
tubs,  kennels,  and  common  sewers  within  the  bills  of  mor- 
tality. 

This  is  the  agreeable  potation  extolled  by  the  Londoners  as 
the  finest  water  in  the  universe.  As  to  the  intoxicating  potion 
sold  for  wine,  it  is  a  vile,  unpalatable,  and  pernicious  sophisti- 
cation, balderdashed  with  cider,  com  spirit,  and  the  juice  of 
sloes.  In  an  action  at  law,  laid  against  a  carman  for  having 
staved  a  cask  of  port,  it  appeared,  from  the  evidence  of  the 
cooper,  that  there  were  not  above  five  gallons  of  real  wine,  in 
the  whole  pipe,  which  held  above  a  hundred,  and  even  that 
had  been  brewed  and  adulterated  by  the  merchant  at  Oporto. 
The  bread  I  eat  in  London  is  a  deleterious  paste,  mixed  up 
with  chalk,  alum,  and  bone-ashes,  insipid  to  the  taste,  and  de- 
structive to  the  constitution.  The  good  people  are  not  igno- 
rant of  this  adulteration;  but  they  prefer  it  to  wholesome 
bread,  because  it  is  whiter  than  the  meal  of  corn.  Thus  they 
sacrifice  their  taste  and  their  health,  and  the  lives  of  their 
tender  infants,  to  a  most  absurd  gratification  of  a  misjudging 
eye;  and  the  miller  or  the  baker  is  obliged  to  poison  them 
and  their  families,  in  order  to  live  by  his  profession.  The 
same  monstrous  depravity  appears  in  their  veal,  which  is 

123 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

bleached  by  repeated  bleedings,  and  other  villanous  arts,  till 
there  is  not  a  drop  of  juice  left  in  the  body,  and  the  poor 
animal  is  paralytic  before  it  dies ;  so  void  of  all  taste,  nourish- 
ment, and  savour,  that  a  man  might  dine  as  comfortably  on 
a  white  fricassee  of  kidskin  gloves,  or  chip  hats  from  Leg- 
horn. 

As  they  have  discharged  the  natural  colour  from  their 
bread,  their  butchers'  meat,  and  poultry,  their  cutlets,  ragouts, 
fricassees,  and  sauces  of  all  kinds — so  they  insist  upon  having 
the  complexion  of  their  potherbs  mended,  even  at  the  hazard 
of  their  lives.  Perhaps,  you  will  hardly  believe  that  they  can 
be  so  mad  as  to  boil  their  greens  with  brass  halfpence,  in 
order  to  improve  their  colour;  and  yet  nothing  is  more  true. 
Indeed,  without  this  improvement  in  the  colour,  they  have  no 
personal  merit.  They  are  produced  in  an  artificial  soil,  and 
taste  of  nothing  but  the  dunghills  from  whence  they  spring. 
My  cabbage,  cauliflower,  and  asparagus  in  the  country,  are 
as  much  superior  in  flavour  to  those  that  are  sold  in  Covent 
Garden,  as  my  heath  mutton  is  to  that  of  St.  James's  market, 
which,  in  fact,  is  neither  lamb  nor  mutton,  but  something  be- 
twixt the  two,  gorged  in  the  rank  fens  of  Lincoln  and  Essex, 
pale,  coarse,  and  frowsy.  As  for  the  pork,  it  is  an  abomina- 
ble carnivorous  animal,  fed  with  horse-flesh  and  distillers' 
grains;  and  the  poultry  is  all  rotten,  in  consequence  of  a 
fever,  occasioned  by  the  infamous  practice  of  sewing  up  the 
gut,  that  they  may  be  the  sooner  fattened  in  coops,  in  conse- 
quence of  this  cruel  retention. 

Of  the  fish  I  need  say  nothing  in  this  hot  weather,  but  that 
it  comes  sixty,  seventy,  fourscore,  and  a  hundred  miles  by 
land  carriage;  a  circumstance  sufficient,  without  any  com- 
ment, to  turn  a  Dutchman's  stomach,  even  if  his  nose  was  not 
saluted  in  every  alley  with  the  sweet  flavour  of  fresh  mack- 
erel, selling  by  retail.  This  is  not  the  season  for  oysters ; 
nevertheless,  it  may  not  be  amiss  to  mention,  that  the  right 
Colchester  are  kept  in  slime  pots,  occasionally  overflowed  by 
the  sea;  and  that  the  green  colour,  so  much  admired  by  the 
voluptuaries  of  this  metropolis,  is  occasioned  by  the  vitriolic 
scum,  which  rises  on  the  surface  of  the  stagnant  and  stinking- 
water.  Our  rabbits  are  bred  and  fed  in  the  poulterer's  cellar, 
where  they  have  neither  air  nor  exercise;  consequently  they 

124 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

must  be  firm  in  flesh,  and  delicious  in  flavour ;  and  there  is  no 
game  to  be  had  for  love  or  money. 

It  must  be  owned,  that  Covent  Garden  affords  some  good 
fruit;  which,  however,  is  always  engrossed  by  a  few  individ- 
uals of  overgrown  fortune,  at  an  exorbitant  price;  so  that 
little  else  than  the  refuse  of  the  market  falls'  to  the  share  of 
the  community — and  that  is  distributed  by  such  filthy  hands 
as  I  cannot  look  at  without  loathing.  It  was  but  yesterday 
that  I  saw  a  dirty  barrow-bunter  in  the  street,  cleaning  her 
dusty  fruit  with  her  own  spittle;  and  who  knows  but  some" 
fine  lady  of  St.  James's  parish  might  admit  into  her  delicate 
mouth  those  very  cherries,  which  had  been  rolled  and  mois- 
tened between  the  filthy,  and  perhaps  ulcerated  chops  of  a 
St.  Giles's  huckster.  I  need  not  dwell  upon  the  pallid  con- 
taminated mash  which  they  call  strawberries,  soiled  and  tossed 
by  greasy  paws  through  twenty  baskets  crusted  with  dirt; 
and  then  presented  with  the  worst  milk,  thickened  with  the 
worst  flour,  into  a  bad  likeness  of  cream.  But  the  milk  itself 
should  not  pass  unanalysed,  the  produce  of  faded  cabbage 
leaves  and  sour  draff,  lowered  with  hot  water,  frothed  with 
bruised  snails,  carried  through  the  streets  in  open  pails,  ex- 
posed to  foul  rinsings  discharged  from  doors  and  windows, 
spittle,  snot,  and  tobacco-quids  from  foot-passengers,  over- 
flowing from  mud  carts,  spattering  from  coach  wheels,  dirt 
and  trash  chucked  into  it  by  roguish  boys  for  the  joke's  sake, 
the  spewings  of  infants,  who  have  slabbered  in  the  tin  meas- 
ure, which  is  thrown  back  in  that  condition  among  the  milk, 
for  the  benefit  of  the  next  customer;  and,  finally,  the  vermin 
that  drops  from  the  rags  of  the  nasty  drab  that  vends  this 
precious  mixture,  under  the  respectable  denomination  of  milk- 
maid. 

I  shall  conclude  this  catalogue  of  London  dainties  with 
table-beer,  guiltless  of  hops  and  malt,  vapid  and  nauseous, 
much  fitter  to  facilitate  the  operation  of  a  vomit,  than  to 
quench  thirst  and  promote  digestion ;  the  tallowy  rancid  mass 
called  butter,  manufactured  with  candle  grease  and  kitchen 
stuff;  and  their  fresh  eggs,  imported  from  France  and  Scot- 
land. Now,  all  these  enormities  might  be  remedied  with  a 
very  little  attention  to  the  article  of  police,  or  civil  regulation ; 
but  the  wise  patriots  of  London  have  taken  it  into  their  heads, 

125 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

that  all  regulation  is  inconsistent  with  liberty ;  and  that  every 
man  ought  to  live  in  his  own  way,  without  restraint.  Nay, 
as  there  is  not  sense  enough  left  among  them  to  be  discom- 
posed by  the  nuisances  I  have  mentioned,  they  may,  for  aught 
I  care,  wallow  in  the  mire  of  their  own  pollution. 

A  companionable  man  will,  undoubtedly,  put  up  with  many 
inconveniences,  for  the  sake  of  enjoying  agreeable  society. 
A  facetious  friend  of  mine  used  to  say,  the  wine  could  not  be 
bad  where  the  company  was  agreeable ;  a  maxim  which,  how- 
ever, ought  to  be  taken  cum  grano  salis.  But  what  is  the 
society  of  London,  that  I  should  be  tempted  for  its  sake  to 
mortify  my  senses,  and  compound  with  such  uncleanness  as 
my  soul  abhors  ?  All  the  people  I  see  are  too  much  engrossed 
by  schemes  of  interest  or  ambition,  to  have  any  room  left  for 
sentiment  or  friendship.  Even  in  some  of  my  old  acquaint- 
ance, those  schemes  and  pursuits  have  obliterated  all  traces 
of  our  former  connexion.  Conversation  is  reduced  to  party 
disputes  and  illiberal  altercation — social  commerce  to  formal 
visits  and  card-playing.  If  you  pick  up  a  diverting  original 
by  accident,  it  may  be  dangerous  to  amuse  yourself  with  his 
oddities.  He  is  generally  a  tartar  at  bottom — a  sharper,  a 
spy,  or  a  lunatic.  Every  person  you  deal  with  endeavours  to 
overreach  you  in  the  way  of  business.  You  are  preyed  upon 
by  idle  mendicants,  who  beg  in  the  phrase  of  borrowing,  and 
live  upon  the  spoils  of  the  stranger.  Your  tradesmen  are 
without  conscience,  your  friends  without  affection,  and  your 
dependants  without  fidelity. 

My  letter  would  swell  into  a  treatise  were  I  to  particularise 
every  cause  of  offence  that  fills  up  the  measure  of  my  aver- 
sion to  this  and  every  other  crowded  city.  Thank  Heaven! 
I  am  not  so  far  sucked  into  the  vortex,  but  that  I  can  disen- 
gage myself  without  any  great  effort  of  philosophy.  From 
this  wild  uproar  of  knavery,  folly,  and  impertinence,  I  shall 
fly  with  double  relish  to  the  serenity  of  retirement,  the  cordial 
effusions  of  unreserved  friendship,  the  hospitality  and  protec- 
tion of  the  rural  gods ;  in  a  word,  the  jucunda  ohlivia  vitcs, 
which  Horace  himself  had  not  taste  enough  to  enjoy. 

I  have  agreed  for  a  good  travelling  coach  and  four,  at  a 
guinea  a-day,  for  three  months  certain;  and  next  week  we 
intend  to  begin  our  journey  to  the  north,  hoping  still  to  be 

126 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

with  you  by  the  latter  end  of  October.  I  shall  continue  to 
write  from  every  stage  where  we  make  any  considerable  halt, 
as  often  as  anything  occurs  which  I  think  can  afford  you  the 
least  amusement.  In  the  meantime  I  must  beg  you  will  su- 
perintend the  economy  of  Barnes,  with  respect  to  my  hay  and 
corn  harvests ;  assured  that  my  ground  produces  nothing  but 
what  you  may  freely  call  your  own.  On  any  other  terms  I 
should  be  ashamed  to  subscribe  myself  your  invariable  friend, 
.  London,  June  8.  Matt.  Bramble. 


To  Sir  Watkin  Phillips,  Bart,  of  Jesus  College,  Oxon. 

Dear  Phillips, — In  my  last  I  mentioned  my  having  spent 
an  evening  with  a  society  of  authors,  who  seemed  to  be  jealous 
and  afraid  of  one  another.  My  uncle  was  not  at  all  surprised 
to  hear  me  say  I  was  disappointed  in  their  conversation.  "  A 
man  may  be  very  entertaining  and  instructive  upon  paper,'' 
said  he,  "  and  exceedingly  dull  in  common  discourse.  I  have 
observed  that  those  who  shine  most  in  private  company  are 
but  secondary  stars  in  the  constellation  of  genius.  A  small 
stock  of  ideas  is  more  easily  managed  and  sooner  displayed, 
than  a  great  quantity  crowded  together.  There  is  very  sel- 
dom anything  extraordinary  in  the  appearance  and  address 
of  a  good  writer;  whereas,  a  dull  author  generally  distin- 
guishes himself  by  some  oddity  or  extravagance.  For  this 
reason  I  fancy  that  an  assembly  of  Grubs  must  be  very  divert- 
ing." 

My  curiosity  being  excited  by  this  hint,  I  consulted  my 
friend  Dick  Ivy,  who  undertook 'to  gratify  it  the  very  next 
day,  which  was  Sunday  last. — He  carried  me  to  dine  with 

S ,  whom  you  and  I  have  long  known  by  his  writings. 

He  lives  in  the  skirts  of  the  town,  and  every  Sunday  his  house 
is  open  to  all  unfortunate  brothers  of  the  quill,  whom  he 
treats  with  beef,  pudding,  and  potatoes,  port,  punch,  and  Cal- 
vert's entire  butt-beer.  He  has  fixed  upon  the  first  day  of  the 
week  for  the  exercise  of  his  hospitality,  because  some  of  his 
guests  could  not  enjoy  it  on  any  other,  for  reasons  that  I 
need  not  explain,  I  was  civilly  received,  in  a  plain  yet  decent 
habitation,  which  opened  backwards  into  a  very  pleasant  gar- 
den, kept  in  excellent  order;  and,  indeed,  I  saw  none  of  the 

L2y 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

outward  signs  of  authorship,  either  in  the  house  or  the  land- 
lord, who  is  one  of  those  few  writers  of  the  age  that  stand 
upon  their  own  foundation,  without  patronage,  and  above  de- 
pendence. If  there-  was  nothing  characteristic  in  the  enter- 
tainer, the  company  made  ample  amends  for  his  want  of  sin- 
gularity. 

At  two  in  the  afternoon  I  found  myself  one  of  ten  mess- 
mates seated  at  table;  and  I  question  if  the  whole  kingdom 
could  produce  such  another  assemblage  of  originals.  Among 
their  peculiarities  I  do  not  mention  those  of  dress,  which  may 
be  purely  accidental.  What  struck  me  were  oddities  original- 
ly produced  by  affectation,  and  afterwards  confirmed  by  habit. 
One  of  them  wore  spectacles  at  dinner,  and  another  his  hat 
flapped ;  though,  as  Ivy  told  me,  the  first  was  noted  for  having 
a  seaman's  eye,  when  a  bailiff  was  in  the  wind ;  and  the  other 
was  never  known  to  labour  under  any  weakness  or  defect  of 
vision,  except  about  five  years  ago,  when  he  was  compli- 
mented with  a  couple  of  black  eyes  by  a  player,  with  whom  he 
had  quarrelled  in  his  drink.  A  third  wore  a  laced  stocking, 
and  made  use  of  crutches,  because,  once  in  his  life,  he  had 
been  laid  up  with  a  broken  leg,  though  no  man  could  leap 
over  a  stick  with  more  agility.  A  fourth  had  contracted  such 
an  antipathy  to  the  country,  that  he  insisted  upon  sitting  with 
his  back  towards  the  window  that  looked  into  the  garden: 
and  when  a  dish  of  cauliflower  was  set  upon  the  table,  he 
snuffed  up  volatile  salts  to  keep  him  from  fainting;  yet  this 
delicate  person  was  the  son  of  a  cottager,  bom  under  a  hedge, 
and  had  many  years  run  wild  among  asses  on  a  common.  A 
fifth  affected  distraction ;  when  spoken  to,  he  always  answered 
from  the  purpose — sometimes  he  suddenly  started  up,  and 
rapped  out  a  dreadful  oath — sometimes  he  burst  out  a-laugh- 
ing — then  he  folded  his  arms  and  sighed — and  then  he  hissed 
like  fifty  serpents. 

At  first  I  really  thought  he  was  mad,  and,  as  he  sat  near 
me,  began  to  be  under  some  apprehensions  for  my  own  safety, 
when  our  landlord,  perceiving  me  alarmed,  assured  me  aloud, 
that  I  had  nothing  to  fear — "  The  gentleman,"  said  he,  "  is 
trying  to  act  a  part  for  which  he  is  by  no  means  qualified — if 
he  had  all  the  inclination  in  the  world,  it  is  not  in  his  power 
to  be  mad.    His  spirits  are  too  flat  to  be  kindled  into  frenzy." 

128 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

"  'Tis  no  bad  p-p-puff  how-ow-ever,"  observed  a  person  in  a 
taniislied  laced  coat ;  "  aff-ffected  m-madness  w-will  p-pass 
for  w-wit,  w-with  nine-nineteen  out  of  t-wenty  " —  "  And 
affected  stuttering  for  humour,"  replied  our  landlord; 
"  though,  God  knows,  there  is  no  affinity  between  them,"  It 
seems  this  wag,  after  having  made  some  abortive  attempts  in 
plain  speaking,  had  recourse  to  this  defect,  by  means  of  which 
he  frequently  extorted  the  laugh  of  the  company,  without  the 
least  expense  of  genius ;  and  that  imperfection,  which  he  had 
at  first  counterfeited,  was  now  become  so  habitual,  that  he 
could  not  lay  it  aside. 

A  certain  winking  genius,  who  wore  yellow  gloves  at  din- 
ner, had,  on  his  first  introduction,  taken  such  offence  at  S , 

because  he  looked  and  talked,  and  ate  and  drank,  like  any 
other  man,  that  he  spoke  contemptuously  of  his  understanding 
ever  after,  and  never  would  repeat  his  visit  until  he  had  ex- 
hibited the  following  proof  of  his  caprice:  Wat  Wyvil,  the 
poet,  having  made  some  unsuccessful  advances  towards  an 

intimacy  with  S ,  at  last  gave  him  to  understand,  by  a 

third  person,  that  he  had  written  a  poem  in  his  praise,  and  a 
satire  against  his  person;  that,  if  he  would  admit  him  to  his 
house,  the  first  should  be  immediately  sent  to  the  press;  but 
that  if  he  persisted  in  declining  his  friendship,  he  would  pub- 
lish the  satire  without  delay.     S replied,  that  he  looked 

upon  VVyvil's  panegyric  as,  in  effect,  a  species  of  infamy,  and 
would  resent  it  accordingly  with  a  good  cudgel ;  but  if  he 
published  the  satire,  he  might  deserve  his  compassion,  and 
had  nothing  to  fear  from  his  revenge.  Wyvil,  having  con- 
sidered the  alternative,  resolved  to  mortify  S ,  by  printing 

the  panegyric,  for  which  he  received  a  sound  drubbing.  Then 
he  swore  the  peace  against  the  aggressor,  who,  in  order  to 
avoid  a  prosecution  at  law,  admitted  him  to  his  good  graces. 

It  was  the  singularity  in  S 's  conduct  on  this  occasion, 

that  reconciled  hhn  to  the  yellow-gloved  philosopher,  who 
owned  he  had  some  genius,  and  from  that  period  cultivated 
his  acquaintance. 

Curious  to  know  upon  what  subjects  the  several  talents  of 
my  fellow-guests  were  employed,  T  applied  to  my  communica- 
tive friend,  Dick  Ivy,  who  gave  me  to  understand  that  most 
of  them  were,  or  had  been,  understrappers,  or  journeymen  to 

•  129 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

more  creditable  authors,  for  whom  they  translated,  collated, 
and  compiled,  in  the  business  of  bookmaking ;  and  that  all  of 
them  had,  at  different  times,  laboured  in  the  service  of  our 
landlord,  though  they  had  now  set  up  for  themselves  in  vari- 
ous departments  of  literature.  Not  only  their  talents,  but  also 
their  nations  and  dialects  were  so  various,  that  our  conversa- 
tion resembled  the  confusion  of  tongues  at  Babel. 

We  had  the  Irish  brogue,  the  Scotch  accent,  and.  foreign 
idiom,  twanged  off  by  the  most  discordant  vociferation;  for, 
as  they  all  spoke  together,  no  man  had  any  chance  to  be  heard, 
unless  he  could  bawl  louder  than  his  fellows.  It  must  be 
owned,  however,  that  there  was  nothing  pedantic  in  their  dis- 
course; they  carefully  avoided  all  learned  disquisitions,  and 
endeavoured  to  be  facetious ;  nor  did  their  endeavours  always 
miscarry.  Some  droll  repartee  passed,  and  much  laughter 
was  excited;  and  if  any  individual  lost  his  temper  so  far  as 
to  transgress  the  bounds  of  decorum,  he  was  effectually 
checked  by  the  master  of  the  feast,  who  exerted  a  sort  of 
paternal  authority  over  this  irritable  tribe. 

The  most  learned  philosopher  of  the  whole  collection,  who 
had  been  expelled  the  university  for  atheism,  has  made  great 
progress  in  a  refutation  of  Lord  Bolingbroke's  metaphysical 
works,  which  is  said  to  be  equally  ingenious  and  orthodox; 
but  in  the  meantime,  he  has  been  presented  to  the  grand  jury 
as  a  public  nuisance,  for  having  blasphemed  in  an  alehouse 
on  the  Lord's  day.  The  Scotchman  gives  lectures  on  the 
pronunciation  of  the  English  language,  which  he  is  now  pub- 
lishing by  subscription. 

The  Irishman  is  a  political  writer,  and  goes  by  the  name 
of  my  Lord  Potatoe.  He  wrote  a  pamphlet  in  vindication  of 
a  minister,  hoping  his  zeal  would  be  rewarded  with  some  place 
or  pension;  but  finding  himself  neglected  in  that  quarter,  he 
whispered  about,  that  the  pamphlet  was  written  by  the  min- 
ister himself,  and  he  published  an  answer  to  his  own  produc- 
tion. In  this  he  addressed  the  author  under  the  title  of  your 
lordship,  with  such  solemnity,  that  the  public  swallowed  the 
deceit,  and  bought  up  the  whole  impression.  The  wise  poli- 
ticians of  the  metropolis  declared,  they  were  both  masterly 
performances,  and  chuckled  over  the  flimsy  reveries  of  an  ig- 
norant garreteer,  as  the  profound  speculations  of  a  veteran 

130 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

statesman,  acquainted  with  all  the  secrets  of  the  Cabinet.  The 
imposture  was  detected  in  the  sequel,  and  our  Hibernian 
pamphleteer  retains  no  part  of  his  assumed  importance,  but 
the  bare  title  of  my  lord,  and  the  upper  part  of  the  table  at 
the  potato  ordinary  in  Shoe  Lane. 

Opposite  to  me  sat  a  Piedmontese,  who  had  obliged  the 
pubHc  with  a  humorous  satire  entitled.  The  Balance  of  the 
English  Poets,  a  performance  which  evinced  the  great  mod- 
esty and  taste  of  the  author,  and,  in  particular,  his  intimacy 
with  the  elegances  of  the  English  language.  The  sage,  who 
laboured  under  the  aypocpo/Sui,  or  horror  of  green  fields, 
had  just  finished  a  treatise  on  practical  agriculture,  though, 
in  fact,  he  had  never  seen  corn  growing  in  his  life,  and  was 
so  ignorant  of  grain,  that  our  entertainer,  in  the  face  of  the 
whole  company,  made  him  own,  that  a  plate  of  hominy  was 
the  best  rice-pudding  he  had  ever  ate. 

The  stutterer  had  almost  finished  his  travels  through  Eu- 
rope and  part  of  Asia,  without  ever  budging  beyond  the 
liberties  of  the  King's  Bench,  except  in  term  time,  with  a  tip- 
staff for  his  companion;  and  as  for  little  Tim  Cropdale,  the 
most  facetious  member  of  the  whole  society,  he  had  happily 
wound  up  the  catastrophe  of  a  virgin  tragedy,  from  the  ex- 
hiljition  of  which  he  promised  himself  a  large  fund  of  profit 
and  reputation.  Tim  had  made  shift  to  live  many  years  by 
writing  novels,  at  the  rate  of  five  pounds  a  volume;  but  that 
branch  of  business  is  now  engrossed  by  female  authors,  who 
publish  merely  for  the  propagation  of  virtue,  with  so  much 
ease,  and  spirit,  and  delicacy,  and  knowledge  of  the  human 
heart,  and  all  in  the  serene  tranquillity  of  high  life,  that  the 
reader  is  not  only  enchanted  by  their  genius,  but  reformed  by 
their  morality. 

After  dinner,  we  adjourned  into  the  garden,  where  I  ob- 
served Mr.  S gave  a  short  separate  audience  to  every  in- 
dividual, in  a  small  remote  filbert  walk,  from  whence  most  of 
them  dropped  off  one  after  another,  without  further  cere- 
mony ;  but  they  were  replaced  by  fresh  recruits  of  the  same 
clan,  who  came  to  make  an  afternoon's  visit;  and,  among 
others,  a  spruce  bookseller,  called  Birkin,  who  rode  his  own 
gelding,  and  made  his  appearance  in  a  pair  of  new  jemmy 
boots,  with  massy  spurs  of  plate.    It  was  not  without  reason 

131 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

that  this  midwife  of  the  muses  used  to  exercise  a-horseback, 
for  he  was  too  fat  to  walk  a-foot,  and  he  underwent  some 
sarcasms  from  Tim  Cropdale,  on  his  unwieldy  size,  and  inap- 
titude for  motion.  Birkin,  who  took  umbrage  at  this  poor 
author's  petulance,  in  presuming  to  joke  upon  a  man  so  much 
richer  than  himself,  told  him,  he  was  not  so  unwieldy  but  that 
he  could  move  the  Marshalsea  court  for  a  writ,  and  even  over- 
take him  with  it,  if  he  did  not  very  speedily  come  and  settle 
accounts  with  him,  respecting  the  expense  of  publishing  his 
last  Ode  to  the  King  of  Prussia,  of  which  he  had  sold  but 
three,  and  one  of  them  was  to  Whitefield  the  Methodist.  Tim 
affected  to  receive  this  intimation  with  good-humour,  saying, 
he  expected  in  a  post  or  two,  from  Potsdam,  a  poem  of  thanks 
from  his  Prussian  majesty,  who  knew  very  well  how  to  pay 
poets  in  their  own  coin;  but,  in  the  meantime,  he  proposed 
that  Mr.  Birkin  and  he  should  run  three  times  round  the 
garden  for  a  bowl  'of  punch,  to  be  drank  at  Ashley's  in  the 
evening,  and  he  would  run  boots  against  stockings.  The 
bookseller,  who  valued  himself  upon  his  mettle,  was  per- 
suaded to  accept  the  challenge,  and  he  forthwith  resigned  his 
boots  to  Cropdale,  who,  when  he  had  put  them  on,  was  no 
bad  representation  of  Captain  Pistol  in  the  play. 

Everything  being  adjusted,  they  started  together  with  great 
impetuosity,  and,  in  the  second  round,  Birkin  had  clearly  the 
advantage,  larding  the  lean  earth  as  he  puff'd  along.  Crop- 
dale  had  no  mind  to  contest  the  victory  further,  but  in  a 
twinkling  disappeared  through  the  back-door  of  the  garden, 
which  opened  into  a  private  lane  that  had  communication  with 
the  high  road.  The  spectators  immediately  began  to  halloo, 
"  Stole  away !  "  and  Birkin  set  off  in  pursuit  of  him  with  great 
eagerness ;  but  he  had  not  advanced  twenty  yards  in  the  lane, 
when  a  thorn  running  into  his  foot,  sent  him  hopping  back 
again  into  the  garden,  roaring  with  pain,  and  swearing  with 
vexation.  When  he  was  delivered  from  this  annoyance  by 
the  Scotchman,  who  had  been  bred  to  surgery,  he  looked 
about  him  wildly,  exclaiming,  "  Sure,  the  fellow  won't  be 
such  a  rogue  as  to  run  clear  away  with  my  boots ! "  Our 
landlord,  having  reconnoitred  the  shoes  he  had  left,  which  in- 
deed hardly  deserved  that  name,  "  Pray,"  said  he,  "  Mr. 
Birkin,  wa'n't  your  boots  made  of  calf  skin  ?  "— »"  Calf  skin 

132 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

or  cow  skin,"  replied  the  other,  "  I'll  find  a  slip  of  sheep  skin 
that  will  do  his  business,  I  lost  twenty  pounds  by  his  farce, 
which  you  persuaded  me  to  buy.  I  am  out  of  pocket  five 
pounds  by  his  d — n'd  ode;  and  now  this  pair  of  boots,  bran 
new,  cost  me  thirty  shillings  as  per  receipt.  But  this  affair 
of  the  boots  is  felony — transportation.  I'll  have  the  dog  in- 
dicted at  the  Old  Bailey — I  will,  Mr.  S .  I  will  be  re- 
venged, even  though  I  should  lose  my  debt  in  consequence  of 
his  conviction." 

Mr.  S said  nothing  at  present,  but  accommodated  him 

with  a  pair  of  shoes;  then  ordered  his  servant  to  rub  him 
down,  and  comfort  him  with  a  glass  of  rum  punch,  which 
seemed  in  a  great  measure  to  cool  the  rage  of  his  indignation. 
"  After  all,"  said  our  landlord,  "  this  is  no  more  than  a  hum- 
bug in  the  way  of  wit,  though  it  deserves  a  more  respectable 
epithet,  when  considered  as  an  effort  of  invention.  Tim  be- 
ing, I  suppose,  out  of  credit  with  the  cordwainer,  fell  upon 
this  ingenious  expedient  to  supply  the  want  of  shoes ;  know- 
ing that  Mr.  Birkin,  who  loves  humour,  would  himself  relish 
the  joke  upon  a  little  recollection.  Cropdale  literally  lives 
by  his  wit,  which  he  has  exercised  upon  all  his  friends  in  their 
turns.  He  once  borrowed  my  pony  for  five  or  six  days  to  go 
to  Salisbury,  and  sold  him  in  Smithfield  at  his  return.  This 
was  a  joke  of  such  a  serious  nature,  that,  in  the  first  trans- 
ports of  my  passion,  I  had  some  thoughts  of  prosecuting  him 
for  horse-stealing;  and,  even  when  my  resentment  had  in 
some  measure  subsided,  as  he  industriously  avoided  me,  I 
vowed  I  would  take  satisfaction  on  his  ribs  with  the  first  op- 
portunity. One  day,  seeing  him  at  some  distance  in  the  street, 
coming  towards  me,  I  began  to  prepare  my  cane  for  action, 
and  walked  in  the  shadow  of  a  porter,  that  he  might  not  per- 
ceive me  soon  enough  to  make  his  escape;  but,  in  the  very 
instant  I  had  lifted  up  the  instrument  of  correction,  I  found 
Tim  Cropdale  metamorphosed  into  a  miserable  blind  wretch, 
feeling  his  way  with  a  long  stick  from  post  to  post,  and  roll- 
ing about  two  bald  unlighted  orbs  instead  of  eyes.  T  was  ex- 
ceedingly shocked  at  having  so  narrowly  escaped  the  concern 
and  disgrace  that  would  have  attended  such  a  misapplication 
of  vengeance;  but,  next  day,  Tim  prevailed  upon  a  friend  of 
mine  to  come  and  solicit  my  forgiveness,  and  offer  his  note, 

133 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

payable  in  six  weeks,  for  the  price  of  the  pony.  This  gentle- 
man gave  me  to  understand,  that  the  blind  man  was  no  other 
than  Cropdale,  who,  having  seen  me  advancing,  and  guessing 
my  intent,  had  immediately  converted  himself  into  the  object 
aforesaid.  I  was  so  diverted  at  the  ingenuity  of  the  evasion, 
that  I  agreed  to  pardon  his  offence,  refusing  his  note,  how- 
ever, that  I  might  keep  a  prosecution  for  felony  hanging  over 
his  head,  as  a  security  for  his  future  good  behaviour;  but 
Timothy  would  by  no  means  trust  himself  in  my  hands  till 
the  note  was  accepted.  Then  he  made  his  appearance  at  my 
door  as  a  blind  beggar,  and  imposed  in  such  a  manner  upon 
my  man,  who  had  been  his  old  acquaintance  and  pot-com- 
panion, that  the  fellow  threw  the  door  in  his  face,  and  even 
threatened  to  give  him  the  bastinado.  Hearing  a  noise  in  the 
hall,  I  went  thither,  and  immediately  recollecting  the  figure 
I  had  passed  in  the  street,  accosted  him  by  his  own  name,  to 
the  unspeakable  astonishment  of  the  footman." 

Birkin  declared  he  loved  a  joke  as  well  as  another;  but 
asked  if  any  of  the  company  could  tell  where  Mr.  Cropdale 
lodged,  that  he  might  send  him  a  proposal  about  restitution, 
before  the  boots  should  be  made  away  with.  "  I  would  will- 
ingly give  him  a  pair  of  new  shoes,"  said  he,  "  and  half  a 
guinea  into  the  bargain,  for  the  boots,  which  fitted  me  like  a 
glove,  and  I  sha'n't  be  able  to  get  the  fellows  of  them  till  the 
good  weather  for  riding  is  over."  The  stuttering  wit  de- 
clared, that  the  only  secret  which  Cropdale  ever  kept,  was  the 
place  of  his  lodgings;  but  he  believed,  that,  during  the  heats 
of  summer,  he  commonly  took  his  repose  upon  a  hulk,  or  in- 
dulged himself,  in  fresco,  with  one  of  the  kennel-nymphs,  un- 
der the  portico  of  St.  Martin's  Church. — "  Pox  on  him !  " 
cried  the  bookseller,  "  he  might  as  well  have  taken  my  whip 
and  spurs — in  that  case,  he  might  have  been  tempted  to  steal 
another  horse,  and  then  he  would  have  rid  to  the  devil  of 
course." 

After  coffee,  I  took  my  leave  of  Mr.  S ,  with  proper 

acknowledgments  of  his  civility,  and  was  extremely  well 
pleased  with  the  entertainment  of  the  day,  though  not  yet 
satisfied  with  respect  to  the  nature  of  this  connexion  betwixt 
a  man  of  character  in  the  literary  world,  and  a  parcel  of 
authorlings,  who,  in  all  probability,  would  never  be  able  to 

134 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

acquire  any  degree  of  reputation  by  their  labours.  On  this 
head  I  interrogated  my  conductor,  Dick  Ivy,  who  answered 

nle  to  this  effect :     "  One  would  imagine  S had  some 

view  to  his  own  interest,  in  giving  countenance  and  assistance 
to  those  people,  whom  he  knows  to  be  bad  men,  as  well  as 
bad  writers ;  but,  if  he  has  any  such  view,  he  will  find  himself 
disappointed;  for  if  he  is  so  vain  as  to  imagine  he  can  make 
them  subservient  to  his  schemes  of  profit  or  ambition,  they  are 
cunning  enough  to  make  him  their  property  in  the  meantime. 
There  is  not  one  of  the  company  you  have  seen  to-day  (my- 
self excepted)  who  does  not  owe  him  particular  obligations. 
One  of  them  he  bailed  out  of  a  spunging-house,  and  after- 
wards paid  the  debt — another  he  translated  into  his  family 
and  clotlied,  when  he  was  turned  out  half-naked  from  jail,  in 
consequence  of  an  act  for  the  relief  of  insolvent  debtors — a 
third,  who  was  reduced  to  a  woollen  nightcap,  and  lived  upon 
sheep's  trotters,  up  three  pair  of  stairs,  backward  in  Butcher 
Row,  he  took  into  present  pay  and  free  quarters,  and  enabled 
him  to  appear  as  a  gentleman,  without  having  the  fear  of 
sheriff's  officers  before  his  eyes.  Those  who  are  in  distress, 
he  supplies  with  money  when  he  has  it,  and  with  his  credit 
when  he  is  out  of  cash.  When  they  want  business,  he  either 
finds  employment  for  them  in  his  own  service,  or  recommends 
ihem  to  booksellers,  to  execute  some  project  he  has  formed 
for  their  subsistence.  They  are  always  welcome  to  his  table 
(which,  though  plain,  is  plentiful),  and  to  his  good  offices  as 
far  as  they  will  go;  and,  when  they  see  occasion,  they  make 
use  of  his  name  with  the  most  petulant  familiarity ;  nay,  they 
do  not  even  scruple  to  arrogate  to  themselves  the  merit  of 
some  of  his  performances,  and  have  been  known  to  sell  their 
own  lucubrations  as  the  produce  of  his  brain.  The  Scotchman 
you  saw  at  dinner,  once  personated  him  at  an  alehouse  in  West 

Smithfield,  and,  in  the  character  of  S had  his  head  broke 

by  a  cowkeeper,  for  having  spoke  disrespectfully  of  the 
Christian  religion ;  but  he  took  the  law  of  him  in  his  own 
person,  and  the  assailant  was  fain  to  give  him  ten  pounds  to 
withdraw  his  action." 

I  observed  that  all  this  appearance  of  liberality  on  the  side 

of  Mr.  S was  easily  accounted  for,  on  the  supposition 

that  they  flattered  him  in  private,  and  engaged  his  adversaries 

135 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

in  public;  and  yet  I  was  astonished,  when  I  recollected  that 
I  often  had  seen  this  writer  virulently  abused  in  papers, 
poems,  and  pamphlets,  and  not  a  pen  was  drawn  in  his  de- 
fence. *'  But  you  will  be  more  astonished,"  said  he,  "  when 
I  assure  you  those  very  guests,  whc«Ti  you  saw  at  his  table 
to-day,  were  the  authors  of  great  part  of  that  abuse ;  and  he 
himself  is  well  aware  of  their  particular  favours,  for  they  are 
all  eager  to  detect  and  betray  one  another." — "  But  this  is 
doing  the  devil's  work  for  nothing,"  cried  I.  "  What  should 
induce  them  to  revile  their  benefactor  without  provocation  ?  " 
— "  Envy,"  answered  Dick,  "  is  the  general  incitement ;  but 
they   are  galled   by   an   additional   scourge   of   provocation. 

S directs  a  literary  journal,  in  which  their  productions 

are  necessarily  brought  to  trial;  and  though  many  of  them 
have  been  treated  with  such  lenity  and  favour  as  they  little 
deserved,  yet  the  slightest  censure,  such  as,  perhaps,  could  not 
be  avoided  with  any  pretensions  to  candour  and  impartiality, 
has  rankled  in  the  hearts  of  those  authors  to  such  a  degree, 
that  they  have  taken  immediate  vengeance  on  the  critic  in 
anonymous  libels,  letters,  and  lampoons.  Indeed,  all  the 
writers  of  the  age,  good,  bad,  and  indifferent,  from  the  mo- 
ment he  assumed  this  office,  became  his  enemies,  either  pro- 
fessed or  in  petto,  except  those  of  his  friends  who  knew  they 
had  nothing  to  fear  from  his  strictures;  and  he  must  be  a 
wiser  man  than  me,  who  can  tell  what  advantage  or  satisfac- 
tion he  derives  from  having  brought  such  a  nest  of  hornets 
about  his  ears." 

I  owned  that  was  a  point  which  might  deserve  considera- 
tion; but  still  I  expressed  a  desire  to  know  his  real  motives 
for  continuing  his  friendship  to  a  set  of  rascals  equally  un- 
grateful and  insignificant.  He  said,  he  did  not  pretend  to 
assign  any  reasonable  motive :  that,  if  the  truth  must  be  told, 
the  man  was,  in  point  of  conduct,  a  most  incorrigible  fool; 
that,  though  he  pretended  to  have  a  knack  at  hitting  off  char- 
acters, he  blundered  strangely  in  the  distribution  of  his  fa- 
vours, which  were  generally  bestowed  on  the  most  undeserv- 
ing of  those  who  had  recourse  to  his  assistance ;  that,  indeed, 
this  preference  was  not  so  much  owing  to  a  want  of  discern- 
ment, as  to  want  of  resolution;  for  he  had  not  fortitude 
enough  to  resist  the  importunity  even  of  the  most  worthless ; 

136 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

and  as  he  did  not  know  the  value  of  money,  there  was  very 
little  merit  in  parting  with  it  so  easily;  that  his  pride  was 
gratified  in  seeing  himself  courted  by  such  a  number  of  liter- 
ary dependants ;  that,  probably,  he  delighted  in  hearing  them 
expose  and  traduce  one  another;  and,  finally,  from  their  in- 
formation, he  became  acquainted  with  all  the  transactions  of 
Grub  Street,  which  he  had  some  thoughts  of  compiling,  for 
the  entertainment  of  the  public. 

I  could  not  help  suspecting,  from  Dick's  discourse,  that  he 
had  some  particular  grudge  against  S ,  upon  whose  con- 
duct he  had  put  the  worst  construction  it  would  bear;  and, 
by  dint  of  cross-examination,  I  found  he  was  not  at  all  satis- 
fied with  the  character  which  had  been  given  in  the  Review 
of  his  last  performance,  though  it  had  been  treated  civilly,  in 
consequence  of  the  author's  application  to  the  critic.     By  all 

accounts,  S is  not  without  weakness  and  caprice;  but  he 

is  certainly  good-humoured  and  civilised;  nor  do  I  find,  that 
there  is  anything  overbearing,  cruel,  or  implacable  in  his 
disposition. 

I  have  dwelt  so  long  upon  authors,  that  you  will  perhaps 
suspect  I  intend  to  enrol  myself  among  the  fraternity;  but, 
if  I  were  actually  qualified  for  the  profession,  it  is  at  best  but 
a  desperate  resource  against  starving,  as  it  aflfords  no  pro- 
vision for  old  age  and  infirmity.  Salmon,  at  the  age  of  four- 
score, is  now  in  a  garret,  compiling  matter  at  a  guinea  a 
sheet,  for  a  modern  historian,  who,  in  point  of  age,  might  be 
his  grandchild;  and  Psalmanazar,  after  having  drudged  half 
a  century  in  the  literary  mill,  in  all  the  simplicity  and  ab- 
stinence of  an  Asiatic,  subsists  upon  the  charity  of  a  few  book- 
sellers, just  sufficient  to  keep  him  from  the  parish.  I  think 
Guy,  who  was  himself  a  bookseller,  ought  to  have  appro- 
priated one  wing  or  ward  of  his  hospital  to  the  use  of  decayed 
authors;  though,  indeed,  there  is  neither  hospital,  college,  or 
workhouse,  within  the  bills  of  mortality,  large  enough  to  con- 
tain the  poor  of  this  society,  composed,  as  it  is;  from  the  refuse 
of  every  other  profession. 

I  know  not  whether  you  will  find  any  amusement  in  this 
account  of  an  odd  race  of  mortals,  whose  constitution  had,  I 
own,  greatly  interested  the  curiosity  of,  yours, 

London,  June  lo.  J.  Melford. 

137 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

To  Miss  L^etitia  Willis^  at  Gloucester. 

My  dear  Letty, — There  is  something  on  my  spirits,  which 
I  should  not  venture  to  communicate  by  the  post ;  but  having 
the  opportunity  of  Mrs.  Brentwood's  return,  I  seize  it  eager- 
ly, to  disburthen  my  poor  heart,  which  is  oppressed  with  fear 
and  vexation. — O  Letty !  what  a  miserable  situation  it  is  to 
be  without  a  friend  to  whom  one  can  apply  for  counsel  and 
consolation  in  distress !  I  hinted  in  my  last,  that  one  Mr. 
Barton  had  been  very  particular  in  his  civilities.  I  can  no 
longer  mistake  his  meaning.  He  has  formally  professed  him- 
self my  admirer ;  and,  after  a  thousand  assiduities,  perceiving 
I  made  but  a  cold  return  to  his  addresses,  he  had  recourse  to 
the  mediation  of  Lady  Griskin,  who  has  acted  the  part  of  a 
very  warm  advocate  in  his  behalf.  But,  my  dear  Willis,  her 
ladyship  overacts  her  part — she  not  only  expatiates  on  the 
ample  fortune,  the  great  connexions,  and  the  unblemished 
character  of  Mr.  Barton,  but  she  takes  the  trouble  to  catechise 
me ;  and,  two  days  ago,  peremptorily  told  me,  that  a  girl  of  my 
age  could  not  possibly  resist  so  many  considerations,  if  her 
heart  was  not  pre-engaged. 

This  insinuation  threw  me  into  such  a  flutter,  that  she  could 
not  but  observe  my  disorder;  and,  presuming  upon  the  dis- 
covery, insisted  upon  my  making  her  the  confidante  of  my 
passion.  But,  although  I  had  not  such  command  of  myself 
as  to  conceal  the  emotion  of  my  heart,  I  am  not  such  a  child 
as  to  disclose  its  secrets  to  a  person  who  would  certainly  use 
them  to  its  prejudice.  I  told  her,  it  was  no  wonder  if  I  was 
out  of  countenance  at  her  introducing  a  subject  of  conversa- 
tion so  unsuitable  to  my  years  and  inexperience.  That  I 
believed  Mr.  Barton  was  a  very  worthy  gentleman,  and  I  was 
much  obliged  to  him  for  his  good  opinion ;  but  the  affections 
were  involuntary,  and  mine,  in  particular,  had  as  yet  made  no 
concessions  in  his  favour.  She  shook  her  head  with  an  air 
of  distrust  that  made  me  tremble;  and  observed,  that,  if  my 
affections  were  free,  they  would  submit  to  the  decision  of 
prudence,  especially  when  enforced  by  the  authority  of  those 
who  had  a  right  to  direct  my  conduct.  This  remark  implied 
a  design  to  interest  my  uncle  or  my  aunt,  perhaps  my  brother, 
in  behalf  of  Mr.  Barton's  passion ;  and  I  am  sadly  afraid  that 

138 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

my  aunt  is  already  gained  over.  Yesterday,  in  the  forenoon, 
he  had  been  walking  with  us  in  the  park,  and  stopping  in  our 
return  at  a  toy-shop,  he  presented  her  with  a  very  fine  snuff- 
box, and  me  with  a  gold  etuis,  which  I  resolutely  refused,  till 
she  commanded  me  to  accept  of  it  on  pain  of  her  displeasure. 
Nevertheless,  being  still  unsatisfied  with  respect  to  the  pro- 
priety of  receiving  this  toy,  I  signified  my  doubts  to  my 
brother,  who  said  he  would  consult  my  uncle  on  the  subject, 
and  seemed  to  think  Mr.  Barton  had  been  rather  premature 
in  his  presents. 

What  will  be  the  result  of  this  consultation.  Heaven  knows ; 
but  I  am  afraid  it  will  produce  an  explanation  with  Mr.  Bar- 
ton, who  will,  no  doubt,  avow  his  passion,  and  solicit  their 
consent  to  a  connexion  which  my  soul  abhors ;  for,  my  dearest 
Letty,  it  is  not  in  my  power  to  love  Mr.  Barton,  even  if  my 
heart  was  untouched  by  any  other  tenderness.  Not  that  there 
is  anything  disagreeable  about  his  person ;  but  there  is  a  total 
want  of  that  nameless  charm  which  captivates  and  controls 
the  enchanted  spirit — at  least  he  appears  to  me  to  have  this 
defect;  but  if  he  had  all  the  engaging  qualifications  which  a 
man  can  possess,  they  would  be  excited  in  vain  against  that 
constancy  which,  I  flatter  myself,  is  the  characteristic  of  my 
nature.  No,  my  dear  Willis,  I  may  be  involved  in  fresh 
troubles,  and  I  believe  I  shall,  from  the  importunities  of  this 
gentleman,  and  the  violence  of  my  relations;  but  my  heart  is 
incapable  of  change. 

You  know  I  put  no  faith  in  dreams;  and  yet  I  have  been 
much  disturbed  by  one  that  visited  me  last  night. — I  thought 
I  was  in  a  church,  where  a  certain  person,  whcMn  you  know, 
was  on  the  point  of  being  married  to  my  aunt ;  that  the  clergy- 
man was  Mr.  Barton,  and  that  poor  forlorn  I  stood  weeping 
in  a  comer,  half  naked,  and  without  shoes  or  stockings.  Now 
I  know  there  is  nothing  so  childish  as  to  be  moved  by  those 
vain  illusions ;  but,  nevertheless,  in  spite  of  all  my  reason,  this 
hath  made  a  strong  impression  upon  my  mind,  which  begins 
to  be  very  gloomy.  Indeed,  I  have  another  more  substantial 
cause  of  affliction.  I  have  some  religious  scruples,  my  dear 
friend,  which  lie  heavy  on  my  conscience.  I  was  persuaded 
to  go  to  the  Tabernacle,  where  I  heard  a  discourse  that  af- 
fected me  deeply.    I  have  prayed  fervently  to  be  enlightened, 

139 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

but  as  yet  I  ani  not  sensible  of  these  inward  motions,  these 
operations  of  grace,  which  are  the  signs  of  a  regenerated 
spirit;  and  therefore  I  begin  to  be  in  terrible  apprehensions 
about  the  state  of  my  poor  soul.  Some  of  our  family  have 
had  very  uncommon  accessions,  particularly  my  aunt  and 
Mrs.  Jenkins,  who  sometimes  speak  as  if  they  were  really  in- 
spired ;  so  that  I  am  not  like  to  want  for  either  exhortation  or 
example,  to  purify  my  thoughts,  and  recall  them  from  the 
vanities  of  this  world,  which,  indeed,  I  would  willingly  re- 
sign, if  it  was  in  my  power ;  but,  to  make  this  sacrifice,  I  must 
be  enabled  by  such  assistance  from  above  as  hath  not  yet  been 
indulged  to  your  unfortunate  friend,  Lydia  Melford. 

June  lo. 


To  Sir  Watkin  Phillips,  Bart,  of  Jesus  College,  Oxon. 

Dear  Phillips, — The  moment  I  received  your  letter,  I 
began  to  execute  your  commission.  With  the  assistance  of 
mine  host  at  the  Bull  and  Gate,  I  discovered  the  place  to 
which  your  fugitive  valet  had  retreated,  and  taxed  him  with 
his  dishonesty.  The  fellow  was  in  manifest  confusion  at 
sight  of  me — but  he  denied  the  charge  with  great  confidence ; 
till  I  told  him,  that,  if  he  would  give  up  the  watch,  which  was 
a  family-piece,  he  might  keep  the  money  and  the  clothes,  and 
go  to  the  devil  his  own  way,  at  his  leisure ;  but,  if  he  rejected 
this  proposal,  I  would  deliver  him  forthwith  to  the  constable, 
whom  I  had  provided  for  that  purpose,  and  he  would  carry 
him  before  the  justice  without  farther  delay.  After  some 
hesitation,  he  desired  to  speak  with  me  in  the  next  room, 
where  he  produced  the  watch,  with  all  its  appendages;  and  I 
have  delivered  it  to  our  landlord,  to  be  sent  you  by  the  first 
safe  conveyance.    So  much  for  business. 

I  shall  grow  vain  upon  your  saying  you  find  entertainment 
in  my  letters,  barren  as  they  certainly  are,  of  incident  and 
importance;  because  your  amusement  must  arise,  not  from  the 
matter,  but  from  the  manner,  which  you  know  is  all  my  own. 
Animated,  therefore,  by  the  approbation  of  a  person  whose 
nice  taste  and  consummate  judgment  I  can  no  longer  doubt, 
I  will  cheerfully  proceed  with  our  memoirs.  As  it  is  deter- 
mined we  shall  set  out  next  week  for  Yorkshire,  I  went  to- 

140 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

day,  in  the  forenoon,  with  my  uncle,  to  see  a  carriage  be- 
longing to  a  coachmaker  in  our  neighbourhood.  Turning 
down  a  narrow  lane,  behind  Long  Acre,  we  perceived  a 
crowd  of  people  standing  at  a  door,  which,  it  seems,  opened 
into  a  kind  of  Methodist  meeting,  and  were  informed  that  a 
footman  was  then  holding  forth  to  the  congregation  within. 
Curious  to  see  this  phenomenon,  we  squeezed  into  the  place 
with  much  difficulty;  and  who  should  this  preacher  be,  but 
the  identical  Humphry  Clinker !  He  had  finished  his  sermon, 
and  given  out  a  psalm,  the  first  stave  of  which  he  sung  with 
peculiar  grace.  But,  if  we  were  astonished  to  see  Clinker 
in  the  pulpit,  we  were  altogether  confounded  at  finding  all 
the  females  of  our  family  among  the  audience.  There  was 
Lady  Griskin,  Mrs.  Tabitha  Bramble,  Mrs.  Winifred  Jenkins, 
my  sister  Liddy,  and  Mr,  Barton,  and  all  of  them  joined  in 
the  psalmody  with  strong  marks  of  devotion. 

I  could  hardly  keep  my  gravity  on  this  ludicrous  occasion ; 
but  old  Squaretoes  was  differently  affected.  The  first  thing 
that  struck  him  was  the  presumption  of  his  lacquey,  whom 
he  commanded  to  come  down,  with  such  an  air  of  authority, 
as  Humphry  did  not  think  proper  to  disregard.  He  descended 
immediately,  and  all  the  people  were  in  commotion.  Barton 
looked  exceedingly  sheepish.  Lady  Griskin  flirted  her  fan, 
Mrs.  Tabby  groaned  in  spirit,  Liddy  changed  countenance, 
and  Mrs.  Jenkins  sobbed  as  if  her  heart  was  breaking.  My 
uncle,  with  a  sneer,  asked  pardon  of  the  ladies  for  having  in- 
terrupted their  devotions,  saying,  he  had  particular  business 
with  the  preacher,  whom  he  ordered  to  call  a  hackney-coach. 
This  being  immediately  brought  up  to  the  end  of  the  lane,  he 
handed  Liddy  into  it,  and  my  aunt  and  I  following  him,  we 
drove  home,  without  taking  any  farther  notice  of  the  rest  of 
the  company,  who  still  remained  in  silent  astonishment. 

Mr.  Bramble,  perceiving  Liddy  in  great  trepidation,  as- 
sumed a  milder  aspect,  bidding  her  be  under  no  concern,  for 
he  was  not  at  all  displeased  at  anything  she  had  done.  "  I 
have  no  objection,"  said  he,  "  to  your  being  religiously  in- 
clined ;  but  I  don't  think  my  servant  is  a  proper  ghostly  di- 
rector for  a  devotee  of  your  sex  and  character.  If,  in  fact, 
as  I  rather  believe,  your  aunt  is  not  the  sole  conductress  of 
this  machine." — Mrs.  Tabitha  made  no  answer,  but  threw  up 

141 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

the  whites  of  her  eyes,  as  if  in  the  act  of  ejaculation.  Poor 
Liddy  said  she  had  no  right  to  the  title  of  a  devotee ;  that  she 
thought  there  was  no  harm  in  hearing  a  pious  discourse,  even 
if  it  came  from  a  footman,  especially  as  her  aunt  was  present ; 
but  that,  if  she  had  erred  from  ignorance,  she  hoped  he  would 
excuse  it,  as  she  could  not  bear  the  thoughts  of  living  under 
his  displeasure.  The  old  gentleman,  pressing  her  hand,  with 
a  tender  smile,  said  she  was  a  good  girl,  and  that  he  did  riot 
believe  her  capable  of  doing  anything  that  could  give  him  the 
least  umbrage  or  disgust. 

When  we  arrived  at  our  lodgings,  he  commanded  Mr. 
Clinker  to  attend  him  upstairs,  and  spoke  to  him  in  these 
words :  "  Since  you  are  called  upon  by  the  Spirit  to  preach 
and  teach,  it  is  high  time  to  lay  aside  the  livery  of  an  earthly 
master,  and,  for  my  part,  I  am  unworthy  to  have  an  apostle 
in  my  service.'"' — '"'  I  hope,"  said  Humphry,  "  I  have  not  failed 
in  my  duty  to  your  honour ;  I  should  be  a  vile  wretch  if  I  did, 
considering  the  misery  from  which  your  charity  and  compas- 
sion relieved  me;  but  having  an  inward  admonition  of  the 
Spirit " — *'  Admonition  of  the  devil !  "  cried  the  squire  in  a 
passion.  "  What  admonition,  you  blockhead  ?  What  right 
has  such  a  fellow  as  you  to  set  up  for  a  reformer?  " — "  Beg- 
ging your  honour's  pardon,"  replied  Clinker,  "  may  not  the 
new  light  of  God's  grace  shine  upon  the  poor  and  the  igno- 
rant in  their  humility,  as  well  as  upon  the  wealthy  and  the 
philosopher,  in  all  his  pride  of  human  learning?" — "What 
you  imagine  to  be  the  new  light  of  grace,"  said  his  master, 
"  I  take  to  be  a  deceitful  vapour,  glimmering  through  a  crack 
in  your  upper  storey;  in  a  word,  Mr.  Clinker,  I  will  have  no 
light  in  my  family  but  what  pays  the  king's  taxes,  unless  it  be 
the  light  of  reason,  which  you  don't  pretend  to  follow." 

"  Ah,  sir ! "  cried  Humphry,  "the  light  of  reason  is  no 
more,  in  comparison  to  the  light  I  mean,  than  a  farthing 
candle  to  the  sun  at  noon." — "  Very  true,"  said  my  uncle, 
"  the  one  will  serve  to  show  you  your  way,  and  the  other  to 
dazzle  and  confound  your  weak  brain.  Hark  ye,  Clinker,  you 
are  either  an  hypocritical  knave,  or  a  wrong-headed  enthu- 
siast, and,  in  either  case  unfit  for  my  service.  If  you  are  a 
quack  in  sanctity  and  devotion,  you  will  find  it  an  easy  matter 
to  impose  upon  silly  women,  and  others  of  crazed  understand- 

143 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

iiig,  who  will  contribute  lavishly  for  your  support.  If  you 
are  really  seduced  by  the  reveries  of  a  disturbed  imagination, 
the  sooner  you  lose  your  senses  entirely,  the  better  for  your- 
self and  the  community.  In  that  case  some  charitable  person 
might  provide  you  with  a  dark  room  and  clean  straw  in  Bed- 
lam, where  it  would  not  be  in  your  power  to  infect  others 
with  your  fanaticism;  whereas,  if  you  have  just  reflection 
enough  left  to  maintain  the  character  of  a  chosen  vessel  in  the 
meetings  of  the  godly,  you  and  your  hearers  will  be  misled  by 
a  Will-o'-the-wisp  from  one  error  into  another,  till  you  are 
plunged  into  religious  frenzy;  and  then,  perhaps,  you  will 
hang  yourself  in  despair." — "  Which  the  Lord,  of  his  infinite 
mercy,  forbid ! "  exclaimed  the  affrighted  Clinker.  *"'  It  is 
very  possible  I  may  be  under  the  temptation  of  the  devil,  who 
wants  to  wreck  me  on  the  rocks  of  spiritual  pride.  Your 
honour  says  I  am  either  a  knave  or  a  madman;  now,  as  I'll 
assure  your  honour  I  am  no  knave,  it  follows  that  I  must  be 
mad;  therefore,  I  beseech  your  honour,  upon  my  knees,  to 
take  my  case  into  consideration,  that  means  may  be  used  for 
my  recovery." 

The  squire  could  not  help  smiling  at  the  poor  fellow's 
simplicity,  and  promised  to  take  care  of  him,  provided  he 
would  mind  the  business  of  his  place,  without  running  after 
the  new  light  of  Methodism;  but  Mrs.  Tabitha  took  offence 
at  his  humility,  which  she  interpreted  into  poorness  of  spirit 
and  worldly-mindedness ;  she  upbraided  him  with  the  want  of 
courage  to  suffer  for  conscience'  sake ;  she  observ^cd,  that  if 
he  should  lose  his  place  for  bearing  testimony  of  the  truth, 
Providence  would  not  fail  to  find  him  another,  perhaps  more 
advantageous ;  and  declaring,  that  it  could  not  be  very  agree- 
able to  live  in  a  family  where  an  inquisition  was  established, 
retired  to  another  room  in  great  agitation. 

My  uncle  followed  her  with  a  significant  look;  then  turn- 
ing to  the  preacher,  '"'  You  hear  what  my  sister  says.  If  you 
cannot  live  with  me  upon  such  terms  as  I  have  prescribed,  the 
vineyard  of  Methodism  lies  before  you,  and  she  seems  very 
well  disposed  to  reward  your  labour." — "  I  would  not  willing- 
ly give  offence  to  any  soul  upon  earth,"  answered  Humphry ; 
"  her  ladyship  has  been  very  good  to  me  ever  since  we  came 
to  London;  and  surely  she  has  a  heart  turned  for  religious 

H3 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

exercises,  and  both  she  and  Lady  Griskin  sing  psalms  and 
hymns  Hke  two  cherubims ;  but,  at  the  same  time,  I  am  bound 
to  love  and  obey  your  honour.  It  becometh  not  such  a  poor 
ignorant  fellow  as  me  to  hold  dispute  with  a  gentleman  of 
rank  and  learning.  As  for  the  matter  of  knowledge  I  am  no 
more  than  a  beast  in  comparison  to  your  honour,  therefore  I 
submit ;  and,  with  God's  grace,  I  will  follow  you  to  the  world's 
end,  if  you  don't  think  me  too  far  gone  to  be  out  of  con- 
finement." 

His  master  promised  to  keep  him  for  some  time  longer  on 
trial ;  then  desired  to  know  in  what  manner  Lady  Griskin  and 
Mr.  Barton  came  to  join  their  religious  society.  He  told 
him,  that  her  ladyship  was  the  person  who  first  carried  my 
aunt  and  sister  to  the  Tabernacle,  whither  he  attended 
them,  and  had  his  devotion  kindled  by  Mr.  W 's  preach- 
ing ;  that  he  was  confirmed  in  this  new  way  by  the  preacher's 
sermons,  which  he  had  bought  and  studied  with  great  atten- 
tion; that  his  discourse  and  prayers  had  brought  over  Mrs. 
Jenkins  and  the  housemaid  to  the  same  way  of  thinking; 
but  as  for  Mr.  Barton,  he  had  never  seen  him  at  service 
before  this  day,  when  he  came  in  company  with  Lady  Gris- 
kin. Humphry  moreover  owned,  that  he  had  been  encour- 
aged to  mount  the  rostrum  by  the  example  and  success  of 
a  weaver,  who  was  much  followed  as  a  powerful  minister; 
that,  on  his  first  trial,  he  found  himself  under  such  strong 
impulsions,  as  made  him  believe  he  was  certainly  moved  by 
the  Spirit,  and  that  he  had  assisted  in  Lady  Griskin's  and 
several  private  houses,  at  exercises  of  devotion. 

Mr.  Bramble  was  no  sooner  informed  that  her  ladyship  had 
acted  as  the  primum  mobile  of  this  confederacy,  than  he  con- 
cluded she  had  only  made  use  of  Clinker  as  a  tool,  subservient 
to  the  execution  of  some  design,  to  the  true  secret  of  which 
he  was  an  utter  stranger.  He  observed,  that  her  ladyship's 
brain  was  a  perfect  mill  for  projects,  and  that  she  and  Tabby 
had  certainly  engaged  in  some  secret  treaty,  the  nature  of 
which  he  could  not  comprehend.  I  told  him  I  thought  it  was 
no  difficult  matter  to  perceive  the  drift  of  Mrs.  Tabitha, 
which  was  to  ensnare  the  heart  of  Barton,  and  that  in  all 
likelihood  my  Lady  Griskin  acted  as  her  auxiliary;  that  this 
supposition  would  account  for  their  endeavours  to  convert 

144 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

him  to  Methodism;  an  event  which  would  occasion  a  con- 
nexion of  souls  that  might  be  easily  improved  into  a  matrimo- 
nial union. 

My  uncle  seemed  to  be  mifch  diverted  by  the  thoughts  of 
this  scheme's  succeeding;  but  I  gave  him  to  understand, 
that  Barton  was  pre-engaged ;  that  he  had  the  day  before 
made  a  present  of  an  etuis  to  Liddy,  which  her  aunt  had 
obliged  her  to  receive,  with  a  view,  no  doubt,  to  countenance 
her  own  accepting  of  a  snufT-box  at  the  same  time;  that  my 
sister  having  made  me  acquainted  with  this  incident,  I  had 
desired  an  explanation  of  Mr.  Barton,  who  declared  his  in- 
tentions were  honourable,  and  expressed  his  hope  that  I 
would  have  no  objection  to  his  alliance;  that  I  thanked  him 
for  the  honour  he  had  intended  our  family,  but  told  him  it 
would  be  necessary  to  consult  her  uncle  and  aunt,  who  were 
her  guardians,  and  their  approbation  being  obtained,  I  could 
have  no  objection  to  his  proposal,  though  I  was  persuaded 
that  no  violence  would  be  offered  to  my  sister's  inclinations, 
in  a  transaction  that  so  nearly  interested  the  happiness  of  her 
future  life;  that  he  assured  me  he  should  never  think  of 
availing  himself  of  a  guardian's  authority,  unless  he  could 
render  his  addresses  agreeable  to  the  young  lady  herself; 
and  that  he  would  immediately  demand  permission  of  Mr. 
and  Mrs.  Bramble  to  make  Liddy  a  tender  of  his  hand  and 
fortune. 

The  squire  was  not  insensible  to  the  advantages  of  such 
a  match,  and  declared  he  would  promote  it  with  all  his 
influence ;  but  when  I  took  notice  that  there  seemed  to  be  an 
aversion  on  the  side  of  Liddy,  he  said  he  would  sound  her  on 
the  subject;  and,  if  her  reluctance  was  such  as  would  not  be 
easily  overcome,  he  would  civilly  decline  the  proposal  of 
Mr.  Barton ;  for  he  thought  that,  in  the  choice  of  a  husband, 
a  young  woman  ought  not  to  sacrifice  the  feelings  of  her 
heart  for  any  consideration  upon  earth.  "  Liddy  is  not  so 
desperate,"  said  he,  "  as  to  worship  fortune  at  such  an  ex- 
pense." I  take  it  for  granted  this  whole  affair  will  end  in 
smoke,  though  there  seems  to  be  a  storm  brewing  in  the 
quarter  of  Mrs.  Tabby,  who  sat  with  all  the  sullen  dignity 
of  silence  at  dinner,  seemingly  pregnant  with  complaint  and 
expostulation.     As   she  hath  certainly  marked   Barton   for 


10 


145 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

her  own  prey,  she  cannot  possibly  favour  his  suit  to  Liddy, 
and  therefore  I  expect  something  extraordinary  will  attend 
his  declaring  himself  my  sister's  admirer.  This  declaration 
will  certainly  be  made  in  form,  as  soon  as  the  lover  can  pick 
up  resolution  enough  to  stand  the  brunt  of  Mrs.  Tabby's  dis- 
appointment; for  he  is,  without  doubt,  aware  of  her  designs 
upon  his  person.  The  particulars  of  the  denouement  you  shall 
know  in  due  season.  Meanwhile  I  am,  always  yours, 
London,  June  lo.  J.  Melford. 


To  Dr.  Lewis. 

Dear  Lewis, — The  deceitful  calm  was  of  short  duration. 
I  am  plunged  again  in  a  sea  of  vexation,  and  the  complaints 
in  my  stomach  and  bowels  are  returned,  so  that  I  suppose 
I  shall  be  disabled  from  prosecuting  the  excursion  I  had 
planned.  What  the  devil  had  I  to  do  to  come  plague-hunt- 
ing with  a  leash  of  females  in  my  train?  Yesterday  my 
precious  sister,  who,  by  the  bye,  had  been  for  some  time  a 
professed  Methodist,  came  into  my  apartment,  attended  by 
Mr.  Barton,  and  desired  an  audience  with  a  very  stately  air. 
"  Brother,"  said  she,  "  this  gentleman  has  something  to  pro- 
pose, which  I  flatter  myself  will  be  the  more  acceptable,  as 
it  will  rid  you  of  a  troublesome  companion."  Then  Mr. 
Barton  proceeded  to  this  effect :  "  I  am,  indeed,  extremely 
ambitious  of  being  allied  to  your  family,  Mr.  Bramble,  and 
I  hope  you  will  see  no  cause  to  interpose  your  authority  " — 
"  As  for  authority,"  said  Tabby,  interrupting  him  with  some 
warmth,  "  I  know  of  none  that  he  has  a  right  lo  use  on  this 
occasion ;  if  I  pay  him  with  the  compliment  of  making  him 
acquainted  with  the  step  I  intend  to  take,  it  is  all  he  can 
expect  in  reason;  this  is  as  much  as  I  believe  he  would  do 
by  me  if  he  intended  to  change  his  own  situation  in  life :  in 
a  word,  brother,  I  am  so  sensible  of  Mr.  Barton's  extraor- 
dinary merit,  that  I  have  been  prevailed  upon  to  alter  my 
resolution  of  living  a  single  life,  and  to  put  my  happiness  in 
his  hands,  by  vesting  him  with  a  legal  title  to  my  person  and 
fortune,  such  as  they  are.  The  business  at  present  is  to  have 
the  writings  drawn,  and  I  shall  be  obliged  to  you  if  you  will 
recommend  a  lawyer  to  me  for  that  purpose  " — 

146 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

You  may  guess  what  an  effect  this  overture  had  upon  me, 
who,  from  the  information  of  my  nephew,  expected  that 
Barton  was  to  make  a  formal  declaration  of  his  passion  for 
Liddy;  I  could  not  help  gazing  in  silent  astonishment,  al- 
ternately at  Tabby  and  her  supposed  admirer,  which  last 
hung  his  head  in  the  most  awkward  confusion  for  a  few 
minutes,  and  then  retired,  on  pretence  of  being  suddenly 
seized  with  a  vertigo.  Mrs.  Tabitha  affected  much  concern, 
and  would  have  him  make  use  of  a  bed  in  the  house;  but 
he  insisted  upon  going  home,  that  he  might  have  recourse 
to  some  drops,  which  he  kept  for  such  emergencies,  and  his 
inamorata  acquiesced.  In  the  meantime  I  was  exceedingly 
puzzled  at  this  adventure,  though  I  suspected  the  truth,  and 
did  not  know  in  what  manner  to  demean  myself  towards 
Mrs.  Tabitha,  when  Jerry  came  in  and  told  me  he  had  just 
seen  Mr.  Barton  alight  from  his  chariot  at  Lady  Griskin's 
door.  This  incident  seemed  to  threaten  a  visit  from  her 
ladyship,  with  which  we  were  honoured  accordingly,  in  less 
than  half  an  hour.  "  I  find,"  said  she,  "  there  has  been  a 
match  of  cross  purposes  among  you,  good  folks,  and  I'm 
come  to  set  you  to  rights."  So  saying,  she  presented  me 
with  the  following  billet : — 

"  Dear  Sir, — I  no  sooner  recollected  myself  from  the  extreme 
confusion  I  was  thrown  into  by  that  unlucky  mistake  of  your  sister, 
than  I  thought  it  my  duty  to  assure  you,  that  my  devoirs  to  Mrs. 
Bramble  never  exceeded  the  bounds  of  ordinary  civility,  and  that 
my  heart  is  unalterably  fixed  upon  Miss  Liddy  Melford,  as  I  had 
the  honour  to  declare  to  her  brother,  when  he  questioned  me  upon 
that  subject.  Lady  Griskin  has  been  so  good  as  to  charge  herself, 
not  only  with  the  delivery  of  this  note,  but  also  with  the  task  of 
undeceiving  Mrs.  Bramble,  for  whom  I  have  the  most  profound 
respect  and  veneration,  though  my  affection  being  otherwise  en- 
gaged, is  no  longer  in  the  power  of,  sir,  your  very  humble  servant, 

Ralph  Barton." 

Having  cast  my  eyes  over  this  billet,  I  told  her  ladyship 
that  I  would  no  longer  retard  the  friendly  office  she  had  un- 
dertaken, and  I  and  Jerry  forthwith  retired  into  another 
room.  There  we  soon  perceived  the  conversation  grow  very 
warm  betwixt  the  two  ladies;  and  at  length  could  distinctly 
hear  certain  terms  of  altercation,  which  we  could  no  longer 

147 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

delay  interrupting,  with  any  regard  to  decorum.  When  we 
entered  the  scene  of  contention,  we  found  Liddy  had  joined 
the  disputants,  and  stood  trembling  betwixt  them,  as  if  she 
had  been  afraid  they  would  have  proceeded  to  something 
more  practical  than  words.  Lady  Griskin's  face  was  like 
the  full  moon  in  a  storm  of  wind,  glaring,  fiery,  and  portent- 
ous; while  Tabby  looked  grim  and  ghastly,  with  an  aspect 
breathing  discord  and  dismay. 

Our  appearance  put  a  stop  to  their  mutual  revilings;  but 
her  ladyship  turning  to  me,  "  Cousin,"  said  she,  "  I  can't 
help  saying  I  have  met  with  a  very  ungrateful  return  from 
this  lady  for  the  pains  I  have  taken  to  serve  her  family." — 
"  My  family  is  much  obliged  to  your  ladyship,"  cried  Tabby, 
with  a  kind  of  hysterical  giggle,  "  but  we  have  no  right  to 
the  good  offices  of  such  an  honourable  go-between." — "  But 
for  all  that,  good  Mrs.  Tabitha  Bramble,"  resumed  the  other, 
"  I  shall  be  content  with  the  reflection,  that  virtue  is  its  own 
reward ;  and  it  shall  not  be  my  fault  if  you  continue  to  make 
yourself  ridiculous.  Mr.  Bramble,  who  has  no  little  in- 
terest of  his  own  to  serve,  will,  no  doubt,  contribute  all  in 
his  power  to  promote  a  match  betwixt  Mr.  Barton  and  his 
niece,  which  will  be  equally  honourable  and  advantageous ; 
and  I  dare  say  Miss  Liddy  herself  will  have  no  objection  to 
a  measure  so  well  calculated  to  make  her  happy  in  life." — 
"  I  beg  your  ladyship's  pardon,"  said  Liddy,  with  great 
vivacity,  "  I  have  nothing  but  misery  to  expect  from  such  a 
measure,  and  I  hope  my  guardians  will  have  too  much  com- 
passion to  barter  my  peace  of  mind  for  any  consideration  of 
interest  or  fortune." — "  Lf^pon  my  word,  Miss  Liddy !  "  said 
she,  '■'  you  have  profited  by  the  example  of  your  good  aunt ; 
I  comprehend  your  meaning,  and  will  explain  it  when  I  have 
a  proper  opportunity ;  in  the  meantime  I  shall  take  my  leave ; 
madam,  your  most  obedient  and  devoted  humble  servant," 
said  she,  advancing  close  up  to  my  sister,  and  curtseying  so 
low,  that  I  thought  she  intended  to  squat  herself  down  on 
the  floor.  This  salutation  Tabby  returned  with  equal  solem- 
nity; and  the  expression  of  the  two  faces,  while  they  con- 
tinued in  this  attitude,  would  be  no  bad  subject  for  a  pencil 
like  that  of  the  incomparable  Hogarth,  if  any  such  should 
ever  appear  again  in  these  times  of  dulness  and  degeneracy. 

148 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

Jerry  accompanied  her  ladyship  to  her  house,  that  he 
might  have  an  opportunity  to  restore  the  etuis  to  Barton, 
and  advise  him  to  give  up  his  suit,  which  was  so  disagreeable 
to  his  sister,  against  whom,  however,  he  returned  much  ir- 
ritated. Lady  Griskin  had  assured  him  that  Liddy's  heart 
was  preoccupied,  and  immediately  the  idea  of  Wilson  re- 
curring to  his  imagination,  his  family  pride  took  the  alarm. 
He  denounced  vengeance  against  that  adventurer,  and  was 
disposed  to  be  very  peremptory  with  his  sister;  but  I  de- 
sired he  would  suppress  his  resentment  until  I  should  have 
talked  with  her  in  private. 

The  poor  girl,  when  I  earnestly  pressed  her  on  this  head, 
owned,  with  a  flood  of  tears,  that  Wilson  had  actually  come  to 
the  Hot  Well  at  Bristol,  and  even  introduced  himself  into  our 
lodgings  as  a  Jew  pedlar,  but  that  nothing  had  passed  betwixt 
them,  further  than  her  begging  him  to  withdraw  immediately 
if  he  had  any  regard  for  her  peace  of  mind ;  that  he  had  dis- 
appeared accordingly,  after  having  attempted  to  prevail  upon 
my  sister's  maid  to  deliver  a  letter,  which,  however,  she  re- 
fused to  receive,  though  she  had  consented  to  carry  a  message, 
importing,  that  he  was  a  gentleman  of  a  good  family,  and 
that,  in  a  very  little  time,  he  would  avow  his  passion  in  that 
character.  She  confessed,  that,  although  he  had  not  kept  his 
word  in  this  particular,  he  was  not  yet  altogether  indifferent 
to  her  affection,  but  solemnly  promised  she  would  never  carry 
on  any  correspondence  with  him,  or  any  other  admirer,  for 
the  future,  without  the  privity  and  approbation  of  her  brother 
and  me. 

By  this  declaration,  she  made  her  own  peace  with  Jerry; 
but  the  hotheaded  boy  is  more  than  ever  incensed  against 
Wilson,  whom  he  now  considers  as  an  impostor  that  harbours 
some  infamous  design  upon  the  honour  of  his  family.  As  for 
Barton,  he  was  not  a  little  mortified  to  find  his  present  re- 
turned, and  his  addresses  so  unfavourably  received ;  but  he  is 
not  a  man  to  be  deeply  affected  by  such  disappointments ;  and 
I  know  not  whether  he  is  not  as  well  pleased  with  being  dis- 
carded by  Liddy,  as  he  would  have  been  with  a  permission  to 
prosecute  his  pretensions,  at  the  risk  of  being  every  day  ex- 
posed to  the  revenge  or  machinations  of  Tabby,  who  is  not  to 
be  slighted  with  impunity.     I  had  not  much  time  to  moralise 

149 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

on  these  occurrences ;  for  the  house  was  visited  by  a  constable 
and  his  gang,  with  a  warrant  from  Justice  Buzzard,  to  search 
the  box  of  Humphry  Qinker,  my  footman,  who  was  just  ap- 
prehended as  a  highwayman.  This  incident  threw  the  whole 
family  into  confusion.  My  sister  scolded  the  constable  for 
presuming  to  enter  the  lodgings  of  a  gentleman  on  such  an 
errand,  without  having  first  asked  and  obtained  permission; 
her  maid  was  frightened  into  fits,  and  Liddy  shed  tears  of 
compassion  for  the  unfortunate  Clinker,  in  whose  box,  how- 
ever, nothing  was  found  to  confirm  the  suspicion  of  robbery. 

For  my  own  part,  I  made  no  doubt  of  the  fellow's  being 
mistaken  for  some  other  person,  and  I  went  directly  to  the 
justice,  in  order  to  procure  his  discharge;  but  there  I  found 
the  matter  much  more  serious  than  I  expected.  Poor  Clinker 
stood  trembling  at  the  bar,  surrounded  by  thief-takers;  and, 
at  a  little  distance,  a  thick  squat  fellow,  a  postillion,  his  ac- 
cuser, who  had  seized  him  in  the  street,  and  swore  positively 
to  his  person,  that  the  said  Clinker  had,  on  the  15th  day  of 
March  last,  on  Blackheath,  robbed  a  gentleman  in  a  post- 
chaise,  which  he,  the  postillion,  drove.  This  deposition  was 
sufficient  to  justify  his  commitment;  and  he  was  sent  accord- 
ingly to  Clerkenwell  prison,  whither  Jerry  accompanied  him  in 
the  coach,  in  order  to  recommend  him  properly  to  the  keeper, 
that  he  may  want  for  no  convenience  which  the  place  affords. 

The  spectators,  who  assembled  to  see  this  highwayman, 
were  sagacious  enough  to  discern  something  very  villanous  in 
his  aspect ;  which,  begging  their  pardon,  is  the  very  picture  of 
simplicity;  and  the  justice  himself  put  a  very  unfavourable 
construction  upon  some  of  his  answers,  which,  he  said,  sa- 
voured of  the  ambiguity  and  equivocation  of  an  old  offender ; 
but,  in  my  opinion,  it  would  have  been  more  just  and  humane 
to  impute  them  to  the  confusion  into  which  we  may  suppose 
a  poor  country  lad  to  be  thrown  on  such  an  occasion.  I  am 
still  persuaded  he  is  innocent ;  and,  in  this  persuasion,  I  can 
do  no  less  than  use  my  utmost  endeavours  that  he  may  not  be 
oppressed.  I  shall,  to-morrow,  send  my  nephew  to  wait  on 
the  gentleman  who  was  robbed,  and  beg  he  will  have  the  hu- 
manity to  go  and  see  the  prisoner ;  that,  in  case  he  should  find 
him  quite  different  from  the  person  of  the  highwayman,  he 
may  bear  testimony  in  his  behalf.     Howsoever  it  may  fare 

150 


HlBfPHRY  CLINKER 

with  Clinker,  this  cursed  affair  will  be  to  me  productiTe  of  in- 
tolerable chagrin.  I  have  already  caught  a  dreadful  cc4d,  by 
rushing  into  the  open  air  from  the  justice's  parlour,  where  I 
had  been  stewing  in  the  crowd ;  and  though  I  should  not  be 
laid  up  with  the  gout,  as  I  believe  I  shall,  I  must  stay  at  Lon- 
don for  some  weeks,  till  this  poor  devil  comes  to  his  trial  at 
Rochester,  so  tibat,  in  all  probaWiity,  my  northern  expedition 
is  blown  up. 

If  you  can  find  anything  in  your  philosophical  budget  to 
console  me  in  the  midst  of  these  distresses  and  apprdiensicms, 
pray  let  it  be  communicated  to 

Your  unfortunate  friend.  Matt,  Bkamble. 

London,  June  12. 


To  Sir  Watkin  Phillips,  Bart,  of  Jesus  College.  Oxon. 

Dear  Wat, — The  farce  is  finished,  and  another  piece  of  a 
graver  cast  brought  upon  the  stage.  Our  aunt  made  a  des- 
perate attack  upon  Barton,  who  had  no  other  way  of  saving 
himself,  but  by  leaving  her  in  possession  of  the  field,  and 
avowing  his  pretensions  to  Liddy,  by  whom  he  has  been  re- 
jected in  his  turn.  Lady  Griskin  acted  as  his  advocate  and 
agent  on  this  occasion,  with  such  zeal  as  embroiled  her  with 
Mrs.  Tabitha,  and  a  high  scene  of  altercaticm  passed  betwixt 
these  two  religionists,  which  might  have  come  to  action,  had 
not  my  uncle  interposed.  The>'  are,  however,  reconciled,  in 
consequence  of  an  event  which  has  involved  us  all  in  trouble 
and  disquiet.  You  must  know,  the  poor  preacher,  Humphry 
Qinker,  is  now  exercising  his  ministry  among  the  felons  in 
Qerkenwell  prison.  A  postilhon  having  sworn  a  robbery 
against  him,  no  bail  could  be  taken,  and  he  was  committed  to 
jail,  notwithstanding  all  the  remonstrances  and  interest  my 
uncle  could  make  in  his  behalf. 

All  things  considered,  the  poor  fellow  cannot  possibly  be 
guilty,  and  yet,  I  believe,  he  runs  some  risk  of  being  hanged. 
Upon  his  examination,  he  answered  with  such  hesitation  and 
reserve,  as  persuaded  most  of  the  people,  who  crowded  the 
place,  that  he  was  really  a  knave;  and  the  justice's  remarks 
confirmed  their  opinion.  Exclusive  of  my  vmcle  and  myself, 
there  was  only  cme  person  who  seemed  inclined  to  favour  the 

151 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

culprit — he  was  a  young  man,  well  dressed,  and,  from  the 
manner  in  which  he  cross-examined  the  evidence,  we  took  it 
for  granted,  that  he  was  a  student  in  one  of  the  inns  of  court 
— he  freely  checked  the  justice  for  some  uncharitable  infer- 
ences he  made  to  the  prejudice  of  the  prisoner,  and  even  ven- 
tured to  dispute  with  his  worship  on  certain  points  of  law. 

My  uncle,  provoked  at  the  unconnected  and  dubious 
answers  of  Clinker,  who  seemed  in  danger  of  falling  a  sacri- 
fice to  his  simplicity,  exclaimed,  "  In  the  name  of  God,  if  you 
are  innocent,  say  so." — "  No,"  cried  he,  "  God  forbid  that  I 
should  call  myself  innocent,  while  my  conscience  is  burdened 
with  sin." — "  What  then,  you  did  commit  this  robbery  ?  "  re- 
sumed his  master. — "  No,  sure,"  said  he ;  "  blessed  be  the 
Lord,  I'm  free  of  that  guilt." 

Here  the  justice  interposed,  observing,  that  the  man  seemed 
inclined  to  make  a  discovery  by  turning  king's  evidence,  and 
desired  the  clerk  to  take  his  confession ;  upon  which  Humphry 
declared,  that  he  looked  upon  confession  to  be  a  popish  fraud, 
invented  by  the  whore  of  Babylon.  The  templar  affirmed, 
that  the  poor  fellow  was  non  compos,  and  exhorted  the  justice 
to  discharge  him  as  a  lunatic.  "  You  know  very  well,"  added 
he,  "  that  the  robbery  in  question  was  not  committed  by  the 
prisoner." 

The  thief-takers  grinned  at  one  another;  and  Mr.  Justice 
Buzzard  replied,  with  great  emotion,  "  Mr,  Martin,  I  desire 
you  will  mind  your  own  business;  I  shall  convince  you  one 
of  these  days  that  I  understand  mine."  In  short,  there  was 
no  remedy ;  the  mittimus  was  made  out,  and  poor  Clinker  sent 
to  prison  in  a  hackney-coach,  guarded  by  the  constable,  and 
accompanied  by  your  humble  servant.  By  the  way,  I  was 
not  a  little  surprised  to  hear  this  retainer  to  justice  bid  the 
prisoner  to  keep  up  his  spirits,  for  that  he  did  not  at  all  doubt 
but  that  he  would  get  off  for  a  few  weeks'  confinement.  He 
said,  his  worship  knew  very  well  that  Clinker  was  innocent 
of  the  fact,  and  that  the  real  highwayman,  who  robbed  the 
chaise,  was  no  other  than  that  very  individual  Mr.  Martin, 
who  had  pleaded  so  strenuously  for  honest  Humphry, 

Confounded  at  this  information,  I  asked,  "  Why  then  is  he 
suffered  to  go  about  at  his  liberty,  and  this  poor  innocent  fel- 
low treated  as  a  malefactor  ?  " — "  We  have  exact  intelligence 

152 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

of  all  Mr.  Martin's  transactions,"  said  he;  "  but  as  yet  there 
is  no  evidence  sufficient  for  his  conviction;  and,  as  for  this 
young  man,  the  justice  could  do  no  less  than  commit  him,  as 
the  postillion  swore  point-blank  to  his  identity." — "  So  if  this 
rascally  postillion  should  persist  in  the  falsity  to  which  he  has 
sworn,"  said  I,  "  this  innocent  lad  may  be  brought  to  the 
gallows." 

T.he  constable  observed,  that  he  would  have  time  enough  to 
prepare  for  his  trial,  and  might  prove  an  alibi;  or,  perhaps, 
Martin  might  be  apprehended,  and  convicted  for  another  fact, 
in  which  case,  he  might  be  prevailed  upon  to  take  this  affair 
upon  himself;  or  finally,  if  these  chances  should  fail,  and  the 
evidence  stand  good  against  Clinker,  the  jury  might  recom- 
mend him  to  mercy,  in  consideration  of  his  youth,  especially 
if  this  should  appear  to  be  the  first  fact  of  which  he  had  been 
guilty. 

Humphry  owned  he  could  not  pretend  to  recollect  where 
he  had  been  on  the  day  when  the  robbery  was  committed, 
much  less  prove  a  circumstance  of  that  kind,  so  far  back  as 
six  months,  though  he  knew  he  had  been  sick  of  the  fever  and 
ague,  which,  however,  did  not  prevent  him  from  going  about. 
Then,  turning  up  his  eyes,  he  ejaculated,  "  The  Lord's  will  be 
done !  if  it  be  my  fate  to  suffer,  I  hope  I  shall  not  disgrace  the 
faith,  of  which,  though  unworthy,  I  make  profession." 

When  I  expressed  my  surprise,  that  the  accuser  should  per- 
vsist  in  charging  Clinker,  without  taking  the  least  notice  of  the 
real  robber,  who  stood  before  him,  and  to  whom,  indeed, 
Humphry  bore  not  the  smallest  resemblance,  the  constable, 
who  was  himself  a  thief-taker,  gave  me  to  understand,  that 
Mr.  Martin  was  the  best  qualified  for  business  of  all  the  gen- 
tlemen on  the  road  he  had  ever  known ;  that  he  had  always 
acted  on  his  own  bottom,  without  partner  or  correspondent, 
and  never  went  to  work  but  when  he  was  cool  and  sober; 
that  his  courage  and  presence  of  mind  never  failed  him ;  that 
his  address  was  genteel,  and  his  behaviour  void  of  all  cruelty 
and  insolence;  that  he  never  encumbered  himself  with 
watches,  or  trinkets,  nor  even  with  bank-notes,  but  always 
dealt  for  ready  money,  and  that  in  the  current  coin  of  the 
kingdom ;  and  that  he  could  disguise  himself  and  his  horse  in 
such  a  manner,  that,  after  the  action,  it  was  impossible  to 

153 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

recognize  either  the  one  or  the  other.  "  This  great  man,"  said 
he,  "  has  reigned  paramount  in  all  the  roads  within  fifty  miles 
of  London  above  fifteen  months,  and  has  done  more  business 
in  that  time  than  all  the  rest  of  the  profession  put  together; 
for  those  who  pass  through  his  hands  are  so  delicately  dealt 
with,  that  they  have  no  desire  to  give  him  the  least  disturb- 
ance; but,  for  all  that,  his  race  is  almost  run.  He  is  now 
fluttering  about  justice  like  a  moth  about  a  candle.  There 
are  so  many  lime-twigs  laid  in  his  way,  that  I'll  bet  a  cool 
hundred  he  swings  before  Christmas." 

Shall  I  own  to  you,  that  this  portrait,  drawn  by  a  ruffian, 
heightened  by  what  I  myself  had  observed  in  his  deportment, 
has  interested  me  warmly  in  the  fate  of  poor  Martin,  whom 
nature  seems  to  have  intended  for  a  useful  and  honourable 
member  of  that  community  upon  which  he  now  preys  for  a 
subsistence !  It  seems  he  lived  some  time  as  a  clerk  to  a  tim- 
ber merchant,  whose  daughter  Martin  having  privately  mar- 
ried, he  was  discarded,  and  his  wife  turned  out  of  doors.  She 
did  not  long  survive  her  marriage ;  and  Martin,  turning  for- 
tune-hunter, could  not  supply  his  occasions  any  other  way 
than  by  taking  to  the  road,  in  which  he  has  travelled  hitherto 
with  uncommon  success.  He  pays  his  respects  regularly  to 
Mr.  Justice  Buzzard,  the  thief-catcher  general  of  this  me- 
tropolis, and  sometimes  they  smoke  a  pipe  together  very  lov- 
ingly, when  the  conversation  generally  turns  upon  the  nature 
of  evidence.  The  justice  has  given  him  fair  warning  to  take 
care  of  himself,  and  he  has  received  his  caution  in  gfood  part. 
Hitherto  he  has  baffled  all  the  vigilance,  art,  and  activity  of 
Buzzard  and  his  emissaries,  with  such  conduct  as  would  have 
done  honour  to  the  genius  of  a  Csesar  or  a  Turenne ;  but  he 
has  one  weakness,  which  has  proved  fatal  to  all  the  heroes  of 
the  tribe,  namely,  an  indiscreet  devotion  to  the  fair  sex,  and, 
in  all  probability,  he  will  be  attacked  on  this  defenceless 
quarter. 

Be  that  as  it  may,  I  saw  the  body  of  poor  Clinker  consigned 
to  the  jailor  of  Clerkenwell,  to  whose  indulgence  I  recom- 
mended him  so  effectually,  that  he  received  him  in  the  most 
hospitable  manner,  though  there  was  a  necessity  of  equipping 
him  with  a  suit  of  irons,  in  which  he  made  a  very  rueful  ap- 
pearance.    T^e  poor  creature  seemed  as  much  affected  by  my 

154 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

uncle's  kindness,  as  by  his  own  misfortune.  When  I  assured 
him,  that  nothing  should  be  left  undone  for  procuring  his 
enlargement,  and  ma^jng  his  confinement  easy  in  the  mean- 
time, he  fell  down  upon  his  knees,  and  kissing  my  hand,  which 
he  bathed  with  his  tears,  "  O  squire,"  cried  he,  sobbing,  "  what 
shall  I  say? — I  can't — no,  I  can't  speak — my  poor  heart  is 
bursting  with  gratitude  to  you  and  my  dear— dear — ^generous 
— ^noble  benefactor." 

I  protest,  the  scene  became  so  pathetic,  that  I  was  fain  to 
force  myself  away,  and  returned  to  my  uncle,  who  sent  me  in 
the  afternoon  with  his  compliments  to  one  Mr.  Mead,  the  per- 
son who  had  been  robbed  on  Blackheath.  As  I  did  not  find 
him  at  home,  I  left  a  message,  in  consequence  of  which  he 
called  at  our  lodging  this  morning,  and  very  humanely  agreed 
to  visit  the  prisoner.  By  this  time  Lady  Griskin  had  come  to 
make  her  formal  compliments  of  condolence  to  Mrs.  Tabitha, 
on  this  domestic  calamity;  and  that  prudent  maiden,  whose 
passion  was  now  cooled,  thought  proper  to  receive  her  lady- 
ship so  civilly,  that  a  reconciliation  immediately  ensued. 
These  two  ladies  resolved  to  comfort  the  poor  prisoner  in  their 
own  persons,  and  Mr.  Mead  and  I  squired  them  to  Clerken- 
well,  my  uncle  being  detained  at  home  by  some  slight  com- 
plaints in  his  stomach  and  bowels. 

The  turnkey,  who  received  us  at  Clerkenwell,  looked  re- 
markably sullen ;  and  when  we  inquired  for  Clinker,  "  I  don't 
care  if  the  devil  had  him,"  said  he ;  "  here  has  been  nothing 
but  canting  and  praying  since  the  fellow  entered  the  place. 
Rabbit  him !  the  tap  will  be  ruined — we  han't  sold  a  cask  of 
beer,  nor  a  dozen  of  wine,  since  he  paid  his  garnish — the  gen- 
tlemen get  drunk  with  nothing  but  your  d — ned  religion.  For 
my  part,  I  believe  as  how  your  man  deals  with  the  devil. 
Two  or  three  as  bold  hearts  as  ever  took  the  air  upon  Houns- 
low,  have  been  blubbering  all  night;  and  if  the  fellow  an't 
speedily  removed  by  habeas  corpus,  or  otherwise,  I'll  be 
d — ned  if  there's  a  grain  of  true  spirit  left  within  these  walls 
— ^we  shan't  have  a  soul  to  do  credit  to  the  place,  or  to  make  his 
exit  like  a  true-bom  Englishman, — d — ^n  my  eyes !  there  will 
be  nothing  but  snivelling  in  the  cart — we  shall  all  die  like  so 
many  psalm-singing  weavers." 

In  short,  we  found  that  Humphry  was,  at  that  very  instant, 

155 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

haranguing  the  felons  in  the  chapel;  and  that  the  jailor's  wife 
and  daughter,  together  with  my  aunt's  woman,  Win.  Jenkins, 
and  our  housemaid,  were  among  the  audience,  which  we  im- 
mediately joined.  I  never  saw  anything  so  strongly  pictur- 
esque as  this  congregation  of  felons  clanking  their  chains,  in 
the  midst  of  whom  stood  orator  Clinker,  expatiating,  in  a  trans- 
port of  fervour,  on  the  torments  of  hell,  denounced  in  Scrip- 
ture against  evil-doers,  comprehending  murderers,  robbers, 
thieves,  and  whoremongers.  The  variety  of  attention  ex- 
hibited in  the  faces  of  those  ragamuffins,  formed  a  group  that 
would  not  have  disgraced  the  pencil  of  a  Raphael.  In  one  it 
denoted  admiration ;  in  another,  doubt ;  in  a  third,  disdain ; 
in  a  fourth,  contempt;  in  a  fifth,  terror;  in  a  sixth,  derision;, 
and  in  a  seventh,  indignation.  As  for  Mrs.  Winifred  Jenkins, 
she  was  in  tears,  overwhelmed  with  sorrow;  but  whether  for 
her  own  sins,  or  the  misfortune  of  Clinker,  I  cannot  pretend 
to  say.  The  other  females  seemed  to  listen  with  a  mixture  of 
wonder  and  devotion.  The  jailor's  wife  declared  he  was  a 
saint  in  trouble,  saying,  she  wished  from  her  heart  there  was 
such  another  good  soul  like  him,  in  every  jail  in  England. 

Mr.  Mead,  having  earnestly  surveyed  the  preacher,  declared 
his  appearance  was  so  different  from  that  of  the  person  who 
robbed  him  on  Blackheath,  that  he  could  freely  make  oath  he 
was  not  the  man.  But  Humphry  himself  was  by  this  time 
pretty  well  rid  of  all  apprehensions  of  being  hanged;  for  he 
had  been  the  night  before  solemnly  tried  and  acquitted  by  his 
fellow-prisoners,  some  of  whom  he  had  already  converted  to 
Methodism.  He  now  made  proper  acknowledgments  for  the 
honour  of  our  visit,  and  was  permitted  to  kiss  the  hands  of  the 
ladies,  who  assured  him,  he  might  depend  upon  their  friend- 
ship and  protection.  Lady  Griskin,  in  her  great  zeal,  exhorted 
his  fellow-prisoners  to  profit  by  the  precious  opportunity  of 
having  such  a  saint  in  bonds  among  them,  and  turn  over  a  new 
leaf  for  the  benefit  of  their  poor  souls ;  and,  that  her  admoni- 
tion might  have  the  greater  effect,  she  reinforced  it  with  her 
bounty. 

While  she  and  Mrs.  Tabby  returned  in  the  coach  with  the 
two  maid-servants,  I  waited  on  Mr.  Mead  to  the  house  of 
Justice  Buzzard,  who,  having  heard  his  declaration,  said,  his 
oath  could  be  of  no  use  at  present,  but  that  he  would  be  a 

156 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

material  evidence  for  the  prisoner  at  his  trial.  So  that  there 
seems  to  be  no  remedy  but  patience  for  poor  Clinker ;  and  in- 
deed the  same  virtue,  or  medicine,  will  be  necessary  for  us  all, 
the  squire,  in  particular,  who  had  set  his  heart  upon  his  excur- 
sion to  the  northward. 

While  we  were  visiting  honest  Humphry  in  Clerkenwell 
prison,  my  uncle  received  a  much  more  extraordinary  visit  at 
his  own  lodgings.  Mr.  Martin,  of  whom  I  made  such  hon- 
ourable mention,  desired  permission  to  pay  him  his  respects, 
and  was  admitted  accordingly.  He  told  him,  that,  having 
observed  him,  at  Mr.  Buzzard's,  a  good  deal  disturbed  by 
what  had  happened  to  his  servant,  he  had  come  to  assure  him 
that  he  had  nothing  to  apprehend  for  Clinker's  life ;  for,  if  it 
was  possible  that  any  jury  could  find  him  guilty  upon  such 
evidence,  he,  Martin  himself,  would  produce  in  court  a  person 
whose  deposition  would  bring  him  off  as  clear  as  the  sun  at 
noon.  Sure,  the  fellow  would  not  be  so  romantic  as  to  take 
the  robbery  upon  himself !  He  said  the  postillion  was  an  in- 
famous fellow,  who  had  been  a  dabbler  in  the  same  profession, 
and  saved  his  life  at  the  Old  Bailey  by  impeaching  his  com- 
panions ;  that,  being  now  reduced  to  great  poverty,  he  had 
made  this  desperate  push,  to  swear  away  the  life  of  an  inno- 
cent man,  in  hopes  of  having  the  reward  upon  his  conviction ; 
but  that  he  would  find  himself  miserably  disappointed,  for  the 
justice  and  his  myrmidons  were  determined  to  admit  of  no 
interloper  in  this  branch  of  business ;  and  that  he  did  not  at  all 
doubt  but  that  they  would  find  matter  enough  to  stop  the  evi- 
dence himself  before  the  next  jail  delivery.  He  affirmed,  that 
all  these  circumstances  were  well  known  to  the  justice;  and 
that  his  severity  to  Clinker  was  no  other  than  a  hint  to  his 
master  to  make  him  a  present  in  private,  as  an  acknowledg- 
ment of  his  candour  and  humanity. 

This  hint,  however,  was  so  unpalatable  to  Mr.  Bramble, 
that  he  declared,  with  great  warmth,  he  would  rather  confine 
himself  for  life  to  London,  which  he  detested,  than  be  at  lib- 
erty to  leave  it  to-morrow,  in  consequence  of  encouraging  cor- 
ruption in  a  magistrate.  Hearing,  however,  how  favourable 
Mr.  Mead's  report  had  been  for  the  prisoner,  he  resolved  to 
take  the  advice  of  counsel  in  what  manner  to  proceed  for  his 
immediate  enlargement.     I  make  no  doubt  but  that  in  a  day 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

or  two  this  troublesome  business  may  be  discussed;  and  in 
this  hope  we  are  preparing  for  our  journey.  If  our  endeav- 
ours do  not  miscarry,  we  shall  have  taken  the  field  before  you 
hear  again  from  Yours, 

London,  June  ii.  J.  Melford. 

To  Dr.  Lewis. 

Thank  Heaven !  dear  Lewis,  the  clouds  are  dispersed,  and 
I  have  now  the  clearest  prospect  of  my  summer  campaign, 
which,  I  hope,  I  shall  be  able  to  begin  to-morrow.  I  took  the 
advice  of  counsel  with  respect  to  the  case  of  Clinker,  in  whose 
favour  a  lucky  incident  has  intervened.  The  fellow  who  ac- 
cused him  has  had  his  own  battery  turned  upon  himself. 
Two  days  ago,  he  was  apprehended  for  a  robbery  on  the  high- 
way, and  committed  on  the  evidence  of  an  accomplice. 
Clinker,  having  moved  for  a  writ  of  habeas  corpus,  was 
brought  before  the  Lord  Chief  Justice,  who,  in  consequence 
of  an  affidavit  of  the  gentleman  who  had  been  robbed,  import- 
ing that  the  said  Clinker  was  not  the  person  who  stopped  him 
on  the  highway,  as  well  as  in  consideration  of  the  postillion's 
character  and  present  circumstances,  was  pleased  to  order  that 
my  servant  should  be  admitted  to  bail ;  and  he  has  been  dis- 
charged accordingly,  to  the  unspeakable  satisfaction  of  our 
whole  family,  to  which  he  has  recommended  himself  in  an 
extraordinary  manner,  not  only  by  his  obliging  deportment, 
but  by  his  talents  of  preaching,  praying,  and  singing  psalms, 
which  he  has  exercised  with  such  eflfect,  that  even  Tabby  re- 
spects him  as  a  chosen  vessel.  If  there  was  anything  like 
affectation  or  hypocrisy  in  this  excess  of  religion,  I  would  not 
keep  him  in  my  service ;  but  so  far  as  I  can  observe,  the  fel- 
low's character  is  downright  simplicity,  warmed  with  a  kind 
of  enthusiasm,  which  renders  him  very  susceptible  of  gratitude 
and  attachment  to  his  benefactors. 

As  he  is  an  excellent  horseman,  and  understands  farriery,  I 
have  bought  a  stout  gelding  for  his  use,  that  he  may  attend 
us  on  the  road,  and  have  an  eye  to  our  cattle,  in  case  the  coach- 
man should  not  mind  his  business.  My  nephew,  who  is  to 
ride  his  own  saddle-horse,  has  taken,  upon  trial,  a  servant  just 
come  from  abroad  with  his  former  master.  Sir  William  Strol- 

158 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

lop,  who  vouches  for  his  honesty.  The  fellow,  whose  name  is 
Button,  seems  to  be  a  petit  maitre.  He  has  got  a  smattering 
of  French,  bows,  grins,  and  shrugs,  and  takes  snuff  a  la  mode 
de  France,  but  values  himself  chiefly  upon  his  skill  and  dex- 
terity in  hair-dressing.  If  I  am  not  much  deceived  by  ap- 
pearance, he  is,  in  all  respects,  the  very  contrast  of  Humphry 
Clinker. 

My  sister  has  made  up  matters  with  Lady  Griskin,  though, 
I  must  own,  I  should  not  have  been  sorry  to  see  that  con- 
nexion entirely  destroyed;  but  Tabby  is  not  of  a  disposition 
to  forgive  Barton,  who,  I  understand,  is  gone  to  his  seat  in 
Berkshire  for  the  summer  season.  I  cannot  help  suspecting, 
that,  in  the  treaty  of  peace  which  has  been  lately  ratified  be- 
twixt those  two  females,  it  is  stipulated,  that  her  ladyship  shall 
use  her  best  endeavours  to  provide  an  agreeable  helpmate  for 
our  sister  Tabitha,  who  seems  to  be  quite  desperate  in  her 
matrimonial  designs.  Perhaps  the  match-maker  is  to  have  a 
valuable  consideration  in  the  way  of  brokerage,  which  she  will 
most  certainly  deserve,  if  she  can  find  any  man  in  his  senses 
who  will  yoke  with  Mrs.  Bramble  from  motives  of  affection 
or  interest. 

I  find  my  spirits  and  my  health  affect  each  other  recipro- 
cally— that  is  to  say,  everything  that  discomposes  my  mind, 
produces  a  correspondent  disorder  in  my  body ;  and  my  bodily 
complaints  are  remarkably  mitigated  by  those  considerations 
that  dissipate  the  clouds  of  mental  chagrin.  The  imprison- 
ment of  Clinker  brought  on  those  symptoms  which  I  men- 
tioned in  my  last,  and  now  they  are  vanished  at  his  discharge. 
It  must  be  owned,  indeed,  I  took  some  of  the  tincture  of 
ginseng,  prepared  according  to  your  prescription,  and  found 
it  exceedingly  grateful  to  the  stomach ;  but  the  pain  and  sick- 
ness continued  to  return,  after  short  intervals,  till  the  anxiety 
of  my  mind  was  entirely  removed,  and  then  I  found  myself 
perfectly  at  ease.  We  have  had  fair  weather  these  ten  days, 
to  the  astonishment  of  the  Londoners,  who  think  it  portentous. 
If  you  enjoy  the  same  indulgence  in  Wales,  I  hope  Barnes 
has  got  my  hay  made,  and  safe  cocked  by  this  time.  As  we 
shall  be  in  motion  for  some  weeks,  I  cannot  expect  to  hear 
from  you  as  usual;   but  I  shall  continue  to  write  from  every 

159 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

place  at  which  we  make  any  halt,  that  you  may  know  our 
track,  in  case  it  should  be  necessary  to  communicate  anything 
to  Your  assured  friend,  Matt.  Bramble. 

London,  June  14. 


To  Mrs.  Mary  Jones,  at  Bramhleton  Hall,  etc. 

Dear  Mary, — Having  the  occasion  of  my  cousin  Jenkins  of 
Aberga'ny,!  send  you,  as  a  token,  a  turkey-shell  comb,  a  kiple 
of  yards  of  green  ribbon,  and  a  sarment  upon  the  nothingness 
of  good  works,  which  was  preached  in  the  Tabernacle;  and 
you  will  also  receive  a  hornbuck  for  Saul,  whereby  she  may 
learn  her  letters ;  for  I  am  much  consarned  about  the  state  of 
her  poor  sole — and  what  are  all  the  pursuits  of  this  life  to  the 
consams  of  that  immortal  part?  What  is  life  but  a  veil  of 
affliction  ?  O  Mary !  the  whole  family  have  been  in  such  a 
constipation !  Mr.  Clinker  has  been  in  trouble,  but  the  gates 
of  hell  have  not  been  able  to  prevail  against  him.  His  virtue 
is  like  pour  gould,  seven  times  tried  in  the  fire.  He  was  tuck 
up  for  a  robbery,  and  had  before  Gustass  Busshard,  who  made 
his  mittamouse ;  and  the  pore  youth  was  sent  to  prison  upon 
the  false  oaf  of  a  willian,  that  wanted  to  sware  his  life  away 
for  the  looker  of  cain. 

The  squire  did  all  in  his  power,  but  could  not  prevent  his 
being  put  in  chains,  and  confined  among  common  manu- 
factors,  where  he  stud  like  an  innocent  sheep  in  the  midst  of 
wolves  and  tygers.  Lord  knows  what  mought  have  happened 
to  this  pyehouse  young  man,  if  master  had  not  applied  to 
Appias  Korkus,  who  lives  with  the  ould  bailiff,  and  is,  they 
say,  five  hundred  years  ould,  (God  bless  us!)  and  a  congeror; 
but,  if  he  be,  sure  I  am  he  don't  deal  with  the  devil,  otherwise 
he  wouldn't  have  sought  out  Mr.  Clinker,  as  he  did,  in  spite  of 
stone  walls,  iron  bolts,  and  double  locks,  that  flew  open  at  his 
command;  for  Ould  Scratch  has  not  a  greater  enemy  upon 
hearth  than  Mr.  Clinker,  who  is  indeed  a  very  powerful 
labourer  in  the  Lord's  vineyard.  I  do  no  more  than  use  the 
words  of  my  good  lady,  who  has  got  the  ineffectual  calling; 
and  I  trust,  that  even  myself,  though  unworthy,  shall  find 
grease  to  be  accepted.  Miss  Liddy  has  been  touched  to  the 
quick,  but  is  a  little  timorsome;    howsomever,   I  make  no 

160 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

doubt,  but  she  and  all  of  us,  will  be  brought,  by  the  en- 
deavours of  Mr.  Clinker,  to  produce  blessed  fruit  of  genera- 
tion and  repentance.  As  for  master,  and  the  young  squire, 
they  have  as  yet  had  narro  glimpse  of  the  new  light.  I  doubt 
as  how  their  hearts  are  hardened  by  worldly  wisdom,  which, 
as  the  pyebill  saith,  is  foolishness  in  the  sight  of  God. 

O  Mary  Jones,  pray  without  seizing  for  grease  to  prepare 
you  for  the  operations  of  this  wonderful  instrument,  which,  I 
hope,  will  be  exercised  this  winter  upon  you  and  others  at 
Brambleton  Hall.  To-morrow,  we  are  to  set  out  in  a  cox  and 
four  for  Yorkshire;  and,  I  believe,  we  shall  travel  that  way 
far,  and  far,  and  farther  than  I  can  tell ;  but  I  shan't  go  so  far 
as  to  forget  my  friends;  and  Mary  Jones  will  always  be  re- 
membered as  one  of  them  by  her  humble  sarvant, 

London,  June  14.  Win.  Jenkins. 


To  Mrs.  Gwyllim,  Housekeeper  at  Brambleton  Hall. 

Mrs.  Gwyllim, — I  can't  help  thinking  it  very  strange,  that 
I  never  had  an  answer  to  the  letter  I  wrote  you  some  weeks 
ago  from  Bath,  concerning  the  sour  bear,  the  gander,  and  the 
maids  eating  butter,  which  I  won't  allow  to  be  wasted.  We 
are  now  going  upon  a  long  gurney  to  the  north,  whereby  I 
desire  you  will  redouble  your  care  and  circumflexion,  that  the 
family  may  be  well  managed  in  our  absence ;  for,  you  know, 
you  must  render  account,  not  only  to  your  earthly  master,  but 
also  to  him  that  is  above;  and  if  you  are  found  a  good  and 
faithful  sarvant,  great  will  be  your  reward  in  haven.  I  hope 
there  will  be  twenty  stun  of  cheese  ready  for  market  by  the 
time  I  get  huom,  and  as  much  owl  spun  as  will  make  half-a- 
dozen  pair  of  blankets ;  and  that  the  savings  of  the  buttermilk 
will  fetch  me  a  good  penny  before  Martinmas,  as  the  two  pigs 
are  to  be  fed  for  baking  with  birchmast  and  acorns. 

I  wrote  to  Doctor  Lewis  for  the  same  porpuss,  but  he  never 
had  the  good  manners  to  take  the  least  notice  of  my  letter ;  for 
which  reason  I  shall  never  favour  him  with  another,  though 
he  beshits  me  on  his  bended  knees.  You  will  do  well  to  keep 
a  watchful  eye  over  the  hind  Villiams,  who  is  one  of  his  amis- 
sories,  and,  I  believe,  no  better  than  he  should  be  at  bottom. 
God  forbid  that  I  should  lack  Christian  charity;  but  charity 

>»  161 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

begins  at  huom,  and  sure  nothing  can  be  a  more  charitable 
work  than  to  rid  the  family  of  such  vermin.  I  do  suppose, 
that  the  brindled  cow  has  been  had  to  the  parson's  bull,  that 
old  Moll  has  had  another  litter  of  pigs,  and  that  Dick  has  be- 
come a  mighty  mouser.  Pray  order  everything  for  the  best, 
and  be  frugal,  and  keep  the  maids  to  their  labour.  If  I  had  a 
private  opportunity,  I  would  send  them  some  hymns  to  sing 
instead  of  profane  ballads ;  but,  as  I  can't,  they  and  you  must 
be  contented  with  the  prayers  of  your  assured  friend, 
London,  June  14.  T.  Bramble. 


To  Sir  Watkin  Phillips,  Bart,  of  Jesus  College,  Oxon. 

Dear  Phillips, — The  very  day  after  I  wrote  my  last, 
Clinker  was  set  at  liberty.  As  Martin  had  foretold,  the  ac- 
cuser was  himself  committed  for  a  robbery,  upon  unquestion- 
able evidence.  He  had  been  for  some  time  in  the  snares  of 
the  thief-taking  society ;  who,  resenting  his  presumption  in  at- 
tempting to  encroach  upon  their  monopoly  of  impeachment, 
had  him  taken  up  and  committed  to  Newgate,  on  the  deposi- 
tion of  an  accomplice,  who  has  been  admitted  as  evidence  for 
the  king.  The  postillion  being  upon  record  as  an  old  of- 
fender, the  Chief  Justice  made  no  scruple  of  admitting  Clinker 
to  bail,  when  he  perused  the  affidavit  of  Mr.  Mead,  importing 
that  the  said  Clinker  was  not  the  person  that  robbed  him  on 
Blackheath;  and  honest  Humphry  was  discharged.  When 
he  came  home,  he  expressed  great  eagerness  to  pay  his  re- 
spects to  his  master,  and  here  his  elocution  failed  him,  but  his 
silence  was  pathetic;  he  fell  down  at  his  feet,  and  embraced 
his  knees,  shedding  a  flood  of  tears,  which  my  uncle  did  not 
see  without  emotion.  He  took  snuff  in  som.e  confusion ;  and, 
putting  his  hand  in  his  pocket,  gave  him  his  blessing  in  some- 
thing more  substantial  than  words.  "  Clinker,"  said  he,  "  I 
am  so  well  convinced,  both  of  your  honesty  and  courage,  that 
I  am  resolved  to  make  you  my  lifeguardman  on  the  highway." 

He  was  accordingly  provided  with  a  case  of  pistols,  and  a 
carbine  to  be  slung  across  his  shoulders;  and  every  other 
preparation  being  made,  we  set  out  last  Thursday,  at  seven  in 
the  morning;  my  uncle,  with  the  three  women  in  the  coach; 
Humphry,  well  mounted  on  a  black  gelding  bought  for  his 

162 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

use ;  myself  a-horseback,  attended  by  my  new  valet,  Mr.  But- 
ton, an  exceeding  coxcomb,  fresh  from  his  travels,  whom  I 
had  taken  upon  trial.  The  fellow  wears  a  solitaire,  uses  paint, 
and  takes  rappee  with  all  the  grirtace  of  a  French  marquis. 
At  present,  however,  he  is  in  a  riding  dress,  jack-boots, 
leather  breeches,  a  scarlet  waistcoat  with  gold  binding,  a  laced 
hat,  a  hanger,  a  French  posting  whip  in  his  hand,  and  his  hair 
en  queue. 

Before  we  had  gone  nine  miles,  my  horse  lost  one  of  his 
shoes;  so  that  I  was  obliged  to  stop  at  Bamet,  to  have  an- 
other, while  the  coach  proceeded  at  an  easy  pace  over  the 
common.  About  a  mile  short  of  Hatfield,  the  postillions 
stopped  the  carriage,  and  gave  notice  to  Clinker  that  there 
were  two  suspicious  fellows  a-horseback,  at  the  end  of  a  lane, 
who  seemed  waiting  to  attack  the  coach.  Humphry  forthwith 
apprised  my  uncle,  declaring  he  would  stand  by  him  to  the 
last  drop  of  his  blood ;  and,  unslinging  his  carbine,  prepared 
for  action.  The  squire  had  pistols  in  the  pockets  of  the  coach, 
and  resolved  to  make  use  of  them  directly ;  but  he  was  effectu- 
ally prevented  by  his  female  companions,  who  flung  them- 
selves about  his  neck,  and  screamed  in  concert.  At  this  in- 
stant, who  should  come  up,  at  a  hand-gallop,  but  Martin,  the 
highwayman,  who,  advancing  to  the  coach,  begged  the  ladies 
would  compose  themselves  for  a  moment;  then,  desiring 
Clinker  to  follow  him  to  the  charge,  he  pulled  a  pistol  out  of 
his  bosom,  and  they  rode  up  together  to  give  battle  to  the 
rogues,  who,  having  fired  at  a  great  distance,  fled  across  the 
common.  They  were  in  pursuit  of  the  fugitives  when  I 
came  up,  not  a  little  alarmed  at  the  shrieks  in  the  coach,  where 
I  found  my  uncle  in  a  violent  rage,  without  his  periwig,  strug- 
gling to  disentangle  himself  from  Tabby  and  the  other  two, 
and  swearing  with  great  vociferation.  Before  I  had  time  to 
interpose,  Martin  and  Clinker  returned  from  the  pursuit,  and 
the  former  paid  his  compliments  with  great  politeness,  giving 
us  to  understand,  that  the  fellows  had  scampered  off,  and  that 
he  believed  they  were  a  couple  of  raw  'prentices  from  London. 
He  commended  Clinker  for  his  courage,  and  said,  if  we 
would  give  him  leave,  he  would  have  the  honour  to  accompany 
us  as  far  as  Stevenage,  where  he  had  some  business. 

The  squire,  having  recollected  and  adjusted  himself,  was 

i63 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

the  first  to  laugh  at  his  own  situation ;  but  it  was  not  without 
difficulty  that  Tabby's  arms  could  be  untwisted  from  his  neck, 
Liddy's  teeth  chattered,  and  Jenkins  was  threatened  with  a  fit 
as  usual.  I  had  communicated  to  my  uncle  the  character  of 
Martin,  as  it  was  described  by  the  constable,  and  he  was  much 
struck  with  its  singularity.  He  could  not  suppose  the  fellow 
had  any  design  on  our  company,  which  was  so  numerous  and 
well  armed ;  he  therefore  thanked  him  for  the  service  he  had 
just  done  them,  said  he  would  be  glad  of  his  company,  and 
asked  him  to  dine  with  us  at  Hatfield.  This  invitation  might 
not  have  been  agreeable  to  the  ladies,  had  they  known  the  real 
profession  of  our  guest;  but  this  was  a  secret  to  all,  except 
my  uncle  and  myself.  Mrs.  Tabitha,  however,  would  by  no 
means  consent  to  proceed  with  a  case  of  loaded  pistols  in  the 
coach,  and  they  were  forthwith  discharged  in  complaisance  to 
her  and  the  rest  of  the  women. 

Being  gratified  in  this  particular,  she  became  remarkably 
good-humoured,  and  at  dinner  behaved  in  the  most  affable 
manner  to  Mr.  Martin,  with  whose-  polite  address,  and  agree- 
able conversation,  she  seemed  to  be  much  taken.  After  din- 
ner, the  landlord  accosted  me  in  the  yard,  asked  with  a  sig- 
nificant look,  if  the  gentleman  that  rode  the  sorrel  belonged 
to  our  company?  I  understood  his  meaning,  but  answered, 
No;  that  he  had  come  up  with  us  on  the  common,  and  helped 
us  to  drive  away  two  fellows,  that  looked  like  highwaymen. 
He  nodded  three  times  distinctly,  as  much  as  to  say,  he  knows 
his  cue.  Then  he  inquired,  if  one  of  those  men  was  mounted 
on  a  bay  mare,  and  the  other  on  a  chestnut  gelding,  with  a 
white  streak  down  his  forehead?  and,  being  answered  in  the 
affirmative,  he  assured  me,  they  had  robbed  three  post-chaises 
this  very  morning.  I  inquired,  in  my  turn,  if  Mr.  Martin  was 
of  his  acquaintance ;  and,  nodding  thrice  again,  he  answered, 
that  he  had  seen  the  gentleman. 

Before  we  left  Hatfield,  my  uncle,  fixing  his  eyes  on  Martin, 
with  such  expression  as  is  more  easily  conceived  than  de- 
scribed, asked,  if  he  often  travelled  that  road  ?  and  he  replied 
with  a  look  which  denoted  his  understanding  the  question, 
that  he  very  seldom  did  business  in  that  part  of  the  country. 
In  a  word,  this  adventurer  favoured  us  with  his  company  to 
the  neighbourhood  of  Stevenage,  where  he  took  his  leave  of 

164 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

the  coach  and  me  in  very  polite  terms,  and  turned  off  upon  a 
cross-road  that  led  to  a  village  on  the  left.  At  supper,  Mrs. 
Tabby  was  very  full  in  the  praise  of  Mr.  Martin's  good  sense 
and  good  breeding,  and  seemed  to  regret  that  she  had  not  a 
farther  opportunity  to  make  some  experiment  upon  his  affec- 
tion. In  the  morning,  my  uncle  was  not  a  little  surprised  to 
receive,  from  the  waiter,  a  billet  couched  in  these  words : 

"  Sir, — I  could  easily  perceive  from  your  looks  when  I  had  the 
honour  to  converse  with  you  at  Hatfield,  that  my  character  is  not 
unknown  to  you;  and  I  daresay,  you  won't  think  it  strange,  that 
I  should  be  glad  to  change  my  present  way  of  life  for  any  other 
honest  occupation,  let  it  be  ever  so  humble,  that  will  afford  me 
bread  in  moderation,  and  sleep  in  safety. — Perhaps  you  may  think 
I  flatter,  when  I  say,  that,  from  the  moment  I  was  witness  to  your 
generous  concern  in  the  cause  of  your  servant,  I  conceived  a  par- 
ticular esteem  and  veneration  for  your  person;  and  yet  what  I  say 
is  true.  I  should  think  myself  happy,  if  I  could  be  admitted  into 
your  protection  and  service,  as  house-steward,  clerk,  butler,  or 
bailiflf,  for  either  of  which  places  I  think  myself  tolerably  well  qual- 
ified; and,  sure  I  am,  I  should  not  be  found  deficient  in  gratitude 
and  fidelity.  At  the  same  time,  I  am  very  sensible  how  much  you 
deviate  from  the  common  maxims  of  discretion,  even  by  putting 
my  professions  to  the  trial;  but  I  don't  look  upon  you  as  a  person 
that  thinks  in  the  ordinary  style;  and  the  delicacy  of  my  situation, 
will,  I  know,  justify  this  address  to  a  heart  warmed  with  beneficence 
and  compassion.  Understanding  you  are  going  pretty  far  north, 
I  shall  take  an  opportunity  to  throw  myself  in  your  way  again  be- 
fore you  reach  the  borders  of  Scotland;  and,  I  hope,  by  that  time, 
you  will  have  taken  into  consideration  the  truly  distressful  case  of, 
honoured  sir,  your  very  humble  and  devoted  servant, 

Edward  Martin." 

The  squire,  having  perused  this  letter,  put  it  into  my  hand, 

without  saying  a  syllable ;  and  when  I  had  read  it,  we  looked 
at  each  other  in  silence.  From  a  certain  sparkling  in  his  eyes, 
I  discovered  there  was  more  in  his  heart  than  he  cared  to  ex- 
press with  his  tongue,  in  favour  of  poor  Martin ;  and  this  was 
precisely  my  own  feeling,  which  he  did  not  fail  to  discern,  by 
the  same  means  of  communication — "  What  shall  we  do,"  said 
he,  "  to  save  this  poor  sinner  from  the  gallows,  and  make  him 
a  useful  member  of  the  commonwealth?  and  yet  the  proverb 
says,  '  Save  a  thief  from  the  gallows,  and  he'll  cut  your 
throat.' "     I  told  him  I  really  believed  Martin  was  capable  of 

165 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

giving  the  proverb  the  lie ;  and  that  I  should  heartily  concur 
in  any  step  he  might  take  in  favour  of  his  solicitation.  We 
mutually  resolved  to  deliberate  upon  the  subject,  and  in  the 
meantime  proceeded  on  our  journey.  The  roads  having  been 
broke  up  by  the  heavy  rains  in  the  spring,  were  so  rough,  that, 
although  we  travelled  very  slowly,  the  jolting  occasioned  such 
pain  to  my  uncle,  that  he  was  become  exceedingly  peevish 
when  we  arrived  at  this  place,  which  lies  about  eight  miles 
from  the  post  road,  between  Wetherby  and  Boroughbridge. 

Harrowgate  water,  so  celebrated  for  its  efficacy  in  the 
scurvy  and  other  distempers,  is  supplied  from  a  copious 
spring,  in  the  hollow  of  a  wild  common,  round  which  a  good 
many  houses  have  been  built  for  the  convenience  of  the  drink- 
ers, though  few  of  them  are  inhabited.  Most  of  the  company 
lodge  at  some  distance,  in  five  separate  inns,  situated  in  differ- 
ent parts  of  the  common,  from  whence  they  go  ever}'  morning 
to  the  well,  in  their  own  carriages.  The  lodgers  of  each  inn 
form  a  distinct  society  that  eat  together ;  and  there  is  a  com- 
modious public  room,  where  they  breakfast  in  dishabille,  at 
separate  tables,  from  eight  o'clock  till  eleven,  as  they  chance  or 
choose  to  come  in.  Here  also  they  drink  tea  in  the  afternoon, 
and  play  at  cards  or  dance  in  the  evening.  One  custom,  how- 
ever, prevails,  which  I  look  upon  as  a  solecism  in  politeness. 
T.he  ladies  treat  with  tea  in  their  turns,  and  even  girls  of  six- 
teen are  not  exempted  from  this  shameful  imposition.  There 
is  a  public  ball  by  subscription  every  night  at  one  of  the 
houses,  to  which  all  the  company  from  the  others  are  admitted 
by  tickets ;  and,  indeed,  Harrowgate  treads  upon  the  heels  of 
Bath,  in  the  articles  of  gaiety  and  dissipation — with  this  differ- 
ence, however,  that  here  we  are  more  sociable  and  familiar. 
One  of  the  inns  is  already  full  up  to  the  very  garrets,  having 
no  less  than  fifty  lodgers,  and  as  many  servants.  Our  family 
does  not  exceed  thirty-six;  and  I  should  be  sorry  to  see  the 
number  augmented,  as  our  accommodation  won't  admit  of 
much  increase. 

At  present,  the  company  is  more  agreeable  than  one  could 
expect  from  an  accidental  assemblage  of  persons,  who  are 
utter  strangers  to  one  another.  There  seems  to  be  a  gen- 
eral disposition  among  us  to  maintain  good-fellowship,  and 
promote  the  purposes  of  humanity,  in  favour  of  those  who 

i66 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

come  thither  on  the  score  of  health.  I  see  several  faces 
which  we  left  at  Bath,  although  the  majority  are  of  the 
northern  counties,  and  many  come  from  Scotland  for  the 
benefit  of  these  waters.  In  such  a  variety,  there  must  be 
some  originals,  among  whom  Mrs.  Tabitha  Bramble  is  not 
the  most  inconsiderable.  No  place,  where  there  is  such  an 
intercourse  between  the  sexes,  can  be  disagreeable  to  a  lady 
of  her  views  and  temperament.  She  has  had  some  warm 
disputes  at  table  with  a  lame  parson  from  Northumberland, 
on  the  new  birth,  and  the  insignificance  of  moral  virtue;  and 
her  arguments  have  been  reinforced  by  an  old  Scotch  lawyer, 
in  a  tie-periwig,  who,  though  he  has  lost  his  teeth,  and  the 
use  of  his  limbs,  can  still  wag  his  tongue  with  great  volu- 
bility. He  has  paid  her  such  fulsome  compliments  upon  her 
piety  and  learning,  as  seem  to  have  won  her  heart;  and  she, 
in  her  turn,  treats  him  with  such  attention,  as  indicates  a 
design  upon  his  person ;  but,  by  all  accounts,  he  is  too  much 
a  fox  to  be  inveigled  into  any  snare  that  she  can  lay  for  his 
affection. 

We  do  not  propose  to  stay  long  at  Harrowgate,  though 
at  present  it  is  out  headquarters,  from  whence  we  shall  make 
some  excursions  to  visit  two  or  three  of  our  rich  relations, 
who  are  settled  in  this  county.  Pray  remember  me  to  all 
our  friends  of  Jesus,  and  allow  me  to  be  still  yours  affec- 
tionately, J.  Melford. 

Harrowgate,  June  23. 


To  Dr.  Lewis. 

Dear  Doctor, — Considering  the  tax  we  pay  for  turnpikes, 
the  roads  of  this  country  constitute  a  most  intolerable  griev- 
ance. Between  Newark  and  Wetherby,  I  have  suffered  more 
from  jolting  and  swinging,  than  ever  I  felt  in  the  whole 
course  of  my  life,  although  the  carriage  is  remarkably  com- 
modious and  well  hung,  and  the  postillions  were  very  careful 
in  driving.  I  am  now  safely  housed  at  the  New  Inn  at  Har- 
rowgate, whither  I  came  to  satisfy  my  curiosity,  rather  than 
with  any  view  of  advantage  to  my  health;  and  truly,  after 
having  considered  all  the  parts  and  particulars  of  the  place, 
I  cannot  account  for  the  concourse  of  people  one  finds  here, 

167 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

upon  any  other  principle  but  that  of  caprice,  which  seems 
to  be  the  character  of  our  nation. 

Harrowgate  is  a  wild  common,  bare  and  bleak,  without 
tree  or  shrub,  or  the  least  signs  of  cultivation;  and  the  peo- 
ple who  come  to  drink  the  water  are  crowded  together  in 
paltry  inns,  where  the  few  tolerable  rooms  are  monopolised 
by  the  friends  and  favourites  of  the  house,  and  all  the  rest 
of  the  lodgers  are  obliged  to  put  up  with  dirty  holes,  where 
there  is  neither  space,  air,  nor  convenience.  My  apartment 
is  about  ten  feet  square ;  and  when  the  folding-bed  is  down, 
there  is  just  room  sufficient  to  pass  between  it  and  the  fire. 
One  might  expect,  indeed,  that  there  would  be  no  occasion 
for  a  fire  at  midsummer;  but  here  the  climate  is  so  back- 
ward, that  an  ash  tree,  which  our  landlord  has  planted  be- 
fore my  window,  is  just  beginning  to  put  forth  its  leaves; 
and  I  am  fain  to  have  my  bed  warmed  every  night. 

As  for  the  water,  which  is  said  to  have  effected  so  many 
surprising  cures,  I  have  drank  it  once,  and  the  first  draught 
has  cured  me  of  all  desire  to  repeat  the  medicine.  Some 
people  say  it  smells  of  rotten  eggs,  and  others  compare  it 
to  the  scourings  of  a  foul  gun.  It  is  generally  supposed  to 
be  strongly  impregnated  with  sulphur;  and  Dr.  Shaw,  in 
his  book  upon  Mineral  Waters,  says,  he  has  seen  flakes  of 
sulphur  floating  in  the  well.  Pace  tanti  viri,  1,  for  my  part, 
have  never  observed  anything  like  sulphur,  either  in  or  about 
the  well ;  neither  do  I  find  that  any  brimstone  has  ever  been 
extracted  from  the  water.  As  for  the  sfhell,  if  I  may  be 
allowed  to  judge  from  my  own  organs,  it  is  exactly  that  of 
bilge-water;  and  the  saline  taste  of  it  seems  to  declare  that 
it  is  nothing  else  than  salt  water  putrified  in  the  bowels  of 
the  earth.  I  was  obliged  to  hold  my  nose  with  one  hand, 
while  I  advanced  the  glass  to  my  mouth  with  the  other ;  and 
after  I  had  made  shift  to  swallow  it,  my  stomach  could 
hardly  retain  what  it  had  received.  The  only  effects  it  pro- 
duced were  sickness,  griping,  and  insurmountable  disgust. 
I  can  hardy  mention  it  without  puking.  The  world  is 
strangely  misled  by  the  affectation  of  singularity.  I  cannot 
help  suspecting  that  this  water  owes  its  reputation  in  a  great 
measure  to  its  being  so  strikingly  offensive.  On  the  same 
kind  of  analogy,  a  German  doctor  has  introduced  hemlock 

i68 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

and  other  poisons,  as  specifies,  into  the  materia  medica.  I 
am  persuaded,  that  all  the  cures  ascribed  to  the  Harrowgate 
water,  would  have  been  as  efficaciously,  and  infinitely  more 
agreeably  performed,  by  the  internal  and  external  use  of 
sea-water.  Sure  I  am,  this  last  is  much  less  nauseous  to 
the  taste  and  smell,  and  much  more  gentle  in  its  operation 
as  a  purge,  as  well  as  more  extensive  in  its  medical  qualities. 

Two  days  ago,  we  went  across  the  country  to  visit  Squire 
Burdock,  who  married  a  first  cousin  of  my  father,  an  heiress, 
who  brought  him  an  estate  of  a  thousand  a  year.  This  gen- 
tleman is  a  declared  opponent  of  the  ministry  in  parliament; 
and,  having  an  opulent  fortune,  piques  himself  upon  living 
in  the  country,  and  maintaining  old  English  hospitality.  By 
the  bye,  this  is  a  phrase  very  much  used  by  the  English 
themselves,  both  in  words  and  writing;  but  I  never  heard 
of  it  out  of  the  island,  except  by  way  of  irony  and  sarcasm. 
What  the  hospitality  of  our  forefathers  has  been,  I  should 
be  glad  to  see  recorded  rather  in  the  memoirs  of  strangers 
who  have  visited  our  country,  and  were  the  proper  objects 
and  judges  of  such  hospitality,  than  in  the  discourse  and 
lucubrations  of  the  modern  English,  who  seem  to  describe 
it  from  theory  and  conjecture.  Certain  it  is,  we  are  gen- 
erally looked  upon  by  foreigners  as  a  people  totally  destitute 
of  this  virtue ;  and  I  never  was  in  any  country  abroad  where 
I  did  not  meet  with  persons  of  distinction  who  complained 
of  having  been  inhospitably  used  in  Great  Britain.  A  gentle- 
man of  France,  Italy,  or  Germany,  who  has  entertained  and 
lodged  an  Englishman  at  his  house,  when  he  afterwards 
meets  with  his  guest  at  London,  is  asked  to  dinner  at  the 
Saracen's  Head,  the  Turk's  Head,  the  Boar's  Head,  or  the 
Bear,  eats  raw  beef  and  butter,  drinks  execrable  port,  and  is 
allowed  to  pay  his  share  of  the  reckoning. 

But,  to  return  from  this  digression,  which  my  feeling  for 
the  honour  of  my  country  obliged  me  to  make.  Our  York- 
shire cousin  has  been  a  mighty  fox-hunter  before  the  Lord; 
but  now  he  is  too  fat  and  unwieldy  to  leap  ditches  and  five- 
bar  gates;  nevertheless,  he  still  keeps  a  pack  of  hounds, 
which  are  well  exercised,  and  his  huntsman  every  night 
entertains  him  with  the  adventures  of  the  day's  chase,  which 
he  recites  in  a  tone  and  terms  that  are  extremely  curious  and 

169 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

significant.  In  the  meantime,  his  broad  brawn  is  scratched 
by  one  of  his  grooms.  This  fellow,  it  seems,  having  no  in- 
clination to  curry  any  beast  out  of  the  stable,  was  at  great 
pains  to  scollop  his  nails  in  such  a  manner,  that  the  blood 
flowed  at  every  stroke.  He  was  in  hopes  that  he  would  be 
dismissed  from  this  disagreeable  office,  but  the  event  turned 
out  contrary  to  his  expectation.  His  master  declared  he  was 
the  best  scratcher  in  the  family ;  and  now  he  will  not  suffer 
any  other  servant  to  draw  a  nail  upon  his  carcase. 

The  squire's  lady  is  very  proud,  without  being  stiff  or  in- 
accessible. She  receives  even  her  inferiors  in  point  of  for- 
tune with  a  kind  of  arrogant  civility;  but  then  she  thinks 
she  has  a  right  to  treat  them  with  the  most  ungracious 
freedoms  of  speech,  and  never  fails  to  let  them  know  she  is 
sensible  of  her  own  superior  affluence.  In  a  word,  she  speaks 
well  of  no  living  soul,  and  has  not  one  single  friend  in  the 
world.  Her  husband  hates  her  mortally;  but  although  the 
brute  is  sometimes  so  very  powerful  in  him,  that  he  will  have 
his  own  way,  he  generally  truckles  to  her  dominion,  and 
dreads,  like  a  school-boy,  the  lash  of  her  tongue.  On  the 
other  hand,  she  is  afraid  of  provoking  him  too  far,  lest  he 
should  make  some  desperate  effort  to  shake  off  her  yoke. 
She  therefore  acquiesces  in  the  proofs  he  daily  gives  of  his 
attachment  to  the  liberty  of  an  English  freeholder,  by  saying 
and  doing,  at  his  own  table,  whatever  gratifies  the  brutality 
of  his  disposition,  or  contributes  to  the  ease  of  his  person. 
The  house,  though  large,  is  neither  elegant  nor  comfortable. 
It  looks  like  a  great  inn,  crowded  with  travellers,  who  dine 
at  the  landlord's  ordinary,  where  there  is  a  great  profusion 
of  victuals  and  drink;  but  mine  host  seems  to  be  misplaced, 
and  I  would  rather  dine  upon  filberts  with  a  hermit,  than 
feed  upon  venison  with  a  hog.  The  footmen  might  be  aptly 
compared  to  the  waiters  of  a  tavern,  if  they  were  more  serv- 
iceable, and  less  rapacious;  but  they  are  generally  insolent 
and  inattentive,  and  so  greedy,  that  I  think  I  can  dine  better, 
and  for  less  expense,  at  the  Star  and  Garter  in  Pall  Mall, 
than  at  our  cousin's  castle  in  Yorkshire.  The  squire  is  not 
only  accommodated  with  a  wife,  but  he  is  also  blessed  with 
an  only  son,  about  two-and-twenty,  just  returned  from  Italy, 
a  complete  fiddler,  and  dilettante;    and  he  slips  no  oppor- 

170 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

tunity  of  manifesting  the  most  perfect  contempt  for  his  own 
father. 

When  we  arrived,  there  was  a  family  of  foreigners  at 
the  house,  on  a  visit  to  this  virtuoso,  with  whom  they  had 
been  acquainted  at  the  Spa.  It  was  the  Count  de  Melville, 
with  his  lady,  on  their  way  to  Scotland.  Mr.  Burdock  had 
met  with  an  accident,  in  consequence  of  which  both  the 
Count  and  I  would  have  retired;  but  the  young  gentleman 
and  his  mother  insisted  upon  our  staying  dinner,  and  their 
serenity  seemed  to  be  so  little  ruffled  by  what  had  happened, 
that  we  complied  with  their  invitation.  The  squire  had 
been  brought  home  overnight  in  his  post-chaise,  so  terribly 
belaboured  about  the  pate,  that  he  seemed  to  be  in  a  state 
of  stupefaction,  and  had  ever  since  remained  speechless.  A 
country  apothecary,  called  Grieve,  who  lived  in  a  neighbour- 
ing village,  having  been  called  to  his  assistance,  had  let  him 
blood,  and  applied  a  poultice  to  his  head,  declaring  that  he 
had  no  fever,  nor  any  other  bad  symptom,  but  the  loss  of 
speech,  if  he  really  had  lost  that  faculty.  But  the  young 
squire  said  this  practitioner  was  an  ignorantaccio,  that  there 
was  a  fracture  in  the  cranium,  and  that  there  was  a  neces- 
sity for  having  him  trepanned  without  loss  of  time.  His 
mother  espousing  this  opinion,  had  sent  an  express  to  Yoik 
for  a  surgeon  to  perform  the  operation,  and  he  was  already 
come,  with  his  'prentice  and  instruments.  Having  examined 
the  patient's  head,  he  began  to  prepare  his  dressings ;  though 
Grieve  still  retained  his  first  opinion  that  there  was  no 
fracture,  and  was  the  more  confirmed  in  it,  as  the  squire 
had  passed  the  night  in  profound  sleep,  uninterrupted  by  any 
catching  or  convulsion.  The  York  surgeon  said  he  could 
not  tell  whether  there  was  a  fracture,  until  he  should  take 
oflF  the  scalp;  but  at  any  rate,  the  operation  might  be  of 
service,  in  giving  vent  to  any  blood  that  might  be  extra- 
vasated,  either  above  or  below  the  dura  mater.  The  lady 
and  her  son  were  clear  for  trying  the  experiment;  and 
Grieve  was  dismissed  with  some  marks  of  contempt,  which, 
perhaps,  he  owed  to  the  plainness  of  his  appearance.  He 
seemed  to  be  about  the  middle  age,  wore  his  own  black  hair 
without  any  sort  of  dressing;  by  his  garb,  one  would  have 
taken  him  for  a  Quaker,  but  he  had  none  of  the  stiffness  of 

171 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

that  sect;  on  the  contrary,  he  was  very  submissive,  respect- 
ful, and  remarkably  taciturn. 

Leaving  the  ladies  in  an  apartment  by  themselves,  we  ad- 
journed to  the  patient's  chamber,  where  the  dressings  and 
instruments  were  displayed  in  order  upon  a  pewter  dish. 
The  operator,  laying  aside  his  coat  and  periwig,  equipped 
himself  with  a  nightcap,  apron,  and  sleeves,  while  his 
'prentice  and  footman,  seizing  the  squire's  head,  began  to 
place  it  in  a  proper  posture.  But  mark  what  followed.  The 
patient,  bolting  upright  in  the  bed,  collared  each  of  these  as- 
sistants with  the  grasp  of  Hercules,  exclaiming,  in  a  bellow- 
ing tone,  "  I  han't  lived  so  long  in  Yorkshire  to  be  trepanned 
by  such  vermin  as  you  " ;  and,  leaping  on  the  floor,  put  on  his 
breeches  quietly,  to  the  astonishment  of  us  all.  The  surgeon 
still  insisted  upon  the  operation,  alleging  it  was  now  plain 
that  the  brain  was  injured,  and  desiring  the  servants  to  put 
him  into  bed  again;  but  nobody  would  venture  to  execute 
his  orders,  or  even  to  interpose ;  when  the  squire  turned  him 
and  his  assistants  out  of  doors,  and  threw  his  apparatus  out 
at  the  window.  Having  thus  asserted  his  prerogative,  and 
put  on  his  clothes  with  the  help  of  a  valet,  the  Count,  with 
my  nephew  and  me,  were  introduced  by  his  son,  and  received 
with  his  usual  style  of  rustic  civility.  Then,  turning  to  Sig- 
nior  Macaroni,  with  a  sarcastic  grin,  "  I  tell  thee  what,  Dick," 
said  he,  "  a  man's  skull  is  not  to  be  bored  every  time  his  head 
is  broken ;  and  I'll  convince  thee  and  thy  mother,  that  I  know 
as  many  tricks  as  e'er  an  old  fox  in  the  West  Riding." 

We  afterwards  understood  he  had  quarrelled  at  a  public- 
house  with  an  exciseman,  whom  he  challenged  to  a  bout  at 
single-stick,  in  which  he  had  been  worsted;  and  that  the 
shame  of  this  defeat  had  tied  up  his  tongue.  As  for  madam, 
she  had  shown  no  concern  for  his  disaster,  and  now  heard 
of  his  recovery  without  emotion.  She  had  taken  some  little 
notice  of  my  sister  and  niece,  though  rather  with  a  view  to 
indulge  her  own  petulance,  than  out  of  any  sentiment  of 
regard  to  our  family.  She  said  Liddy  was  a  fright,  and 
ordered  her  woman  to  adjust  her  head  before  dinner;  but 
she  would  not  meddle  with  Tabby,  whose  spirit,  she  soon 
perceived,  was  not  to  be  irritated  with  impunity.  At  table 
she  acknowledged  me  so  far  as  to  say  she  had  heard  of  my 

172 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

father;  though  she  hinted  that  he  had  disobligfed  her  family 
by  making  a  poor  match  in  Wales.  She  was  disagreeably 
familiar  in  her  inquiries  about  our  circumstances;  and  asked 
if  I  intended  to  bring  up  my  nephew  to  the  law?  I  told  her 
that  as  he  had  an  independent  fortune,  he  should  follow  no 
profession  but  that  of  a  country  gentleman;  and  that  I  was 
not  without  hopes  of  procuring  for  him  a  seat  in  parliament. 
"  Pray,  cousin,"  said  she,  "  what  may  his  fortune  be  ? " 
When  I  answered  that,  with  what  I  should  be  able  to  give 
him,  he  would  have  better  than  two  thousand  a  year;  she 
replied,  with  a  disdainful  toss  of  the  head,  that  it  would  be 
impossible  for  him  to  preserve  his  independence  on  such  a 
paltry  provision. 

Not  a  little  nettled  at  this  arrogant  remark,  I  told  her  I 
had  the  honour  to  sit  in  parliament  with  her  father,  when 
he  had  little  more  than  half  that  income;  and  I  believed 
there  was  not  a  more  independent  and  incorruptible  member 
in  the  House.  "  Ay,  but  times  are  changed,"  cried  the  squire. 
"  Country  gentlemen  nowadays  live  after  another  fashion. 
My  table  alone  stands  me  a  cool  thousand  a  quarter,  though  I 
raise  my  own  stock,  import  my  own  liquors,  and  have  every- 
thing at  the  first  hand.  True  it  is,  I  keep  open  house,  and 
receive  all  comers,  for  the  honour  of  Old  England." — "  If 
that  be  the  case,"  said  I,  "  'tis  a  wonder  you  can  maintain  it 
at  so  small  an  expense ;  but  every  private  gentleman  is  not 
expected  to  keep  a  caravansera  for  the  accommodation  of 
travellers.  Indeed,  if  every  individual  lived  in  the  same 
style,  you  would  not  have  such  a  number  of  guests  at  your 
table ;  of  consequence  your  hospitality  would  not  shine  so 
bright  for  the  glory  of  the  West  Riding,"  The  young  squire, 
tickled  by  this  ironical  observation,  exclaimed,  "  O  che 
hiirla!" — His  mother  eyeo  me  in  silence  with  a  supercilious 
air ;  and  the  father  of  the  feast,  taking  a  bumper  of  October, 
"  My  service  to  you.  Cousin  Bramble,"  said  he,  "  I  always 
heard  there  was  something  keen  and  biting  in  the  air  of  the 
Welsh  mountains." 

I  was  much  pleased  with  the  Count  de  Melville,  who  is 
sensible,  easy,  and  polite;  and  the  Countess  is  the  most 
amiable  woman  I  ever  beheld.  In  the  afternoon  they  took 
leave  of  their  entertainers ;  and  the  young  gentleman,  mount- 

173 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

ing  his  horse,  undertook  to  conduct  their  coach  through  the 
park,  while  one  of  their  servants  rode  round  to  give  notice 
to  the  rest,  whom  they  had  left  at  a  public-house  on  the 
road.  The  moment  their  backs  were  turned,  the  censorious 
demon  took  possession  of  our  Yorkshire  landlady  and  our 
sister  Tabitha.  The  former  observed  that  the  Countess  was 
a  good  sort  of  a  body,  but  totally  ignorant  of  good-breed- 
ing, consequently  awkward  in  her  address.  The  squire  said, 
he  did  not  pretend  to  the  breeding  of  anything  but  colts; 
but  that  the  jade  would  be  very  handsome,  if  she  was  a  little 
more  in  flesh.  "  Handsome ! "  cried  Tabby,  "  she  has  in- 
deed a  pair  of  black  eyes  without  any  meaning ;  but  then 
there  is  not  a  good  feature  in  her  face." — "  I  know  not  what 
you  call  good  features  in  Wales,"  replied  our  landlord ;  "  but 
they'll  pass  in  Yorkshire."  Then  turning  to  Liddy,  he  added, 
'"What  say  you,  my  pretty  Redstreak? — what  is  your  opin- 
ion of  the  Countess?" — "I  think,"  cried  Liddy,  with  great 
emotion,  "  she's  an  angel."  Tabby  chid  her  for  talking  with 
such  freedom  in  company;  and  the  lady  of  the  house  said, 
in  a  contemptuous  tone,  she  supposed  Miss  had  been  brought 
up  at  a  country  boarding-school. 

Our  conversation  was  suddenly  interrupted  by  the  young 
gentleman,  who  galloped  into  the  yard  all  aghast,  exclaim- 
ing that  the  coach  was  attacked  by  a  great  number  of  high- 
waymen. My  nephew  and  I  rushed  out,  found  his  own  and 
his  servant's  horse  ready  saddled  in  the  stable,  with  pistols 
in  the  caps.  We  mounted  instantly,  ordered  Clinker  and 
Dutton  to  follow  with  all  possible  expedition;  but,  notwith- 
standing all  the  speed  we  could  make,  the  action  was  over 
before  we  arrived,  and  the  Count,  with  his  lady,  safe  lodged 
at  the  house  of  Grieve,  who  had  signalised  himself  in  a  very 
remarkable  manner  on  this  occasion.  At  the  turning  of  a 
lane  that  led  to  the  village  where  the  Count's  servants  re- 
mained, a  couple  of  robbers  a-horseback  suddenly  appeared, 
with  their  pistols  advanced;  one  kept  the  coachman  in  awe, 
and  the  other  demanded  the  Count's  money,  while  the  young 
squire  went  oft  at  full  speed,  without  ever  casting  a  look 
behind.  The  Count  desired  the  thief  to  withdraw  his  pistol, 
as  the  lady  was  in  great  terror,  delivered  his  purse  without 
making  the  least  resistance ;  but  not  satisfied  with  this  booty, 

174 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

which  was  pretty  considerable,  the  rascal  insisted  upon  rifling 
her  of  her  ear-rings  and  necklace,  and  the  Countess  screamed 
with  affright.  Her  husband,  exasperated  at  the  violence  with 
which  she  was  threatened,  wrested  the  pistol  out  of  the  fel- 
low's hand,  and,  turning  it  upon  him,  snapped  it  in  his  face; 
but  the  robber,  knowing  there  was  no  charge  in  it,  drew 
another  from  his  bosom,  and  in  all  probability  would  have 
killed  him  on  the  spot,  had  not  his  life  been  saved  by  a  won- 
derful interposition.  Grieve,  the  apothecary,  chancing  to 
pass  that  very  instant,  ran  up  to  the  coach,  and,  with  a  crab- 
stick,  which  was  all  the  weapon  he  had,  brought  the  fellow  to 
the  ground  with  the  first  blow;  then  seizing  his  pistol,  pre- 
sented it  to  his  colleague,  who  fired  his  piece  at  random,  and 
fled  without  farther  opposition.  The  other  was  secured  by 
the  assistance  of  the  Count  and  the  coachman;  and  his  legs 
being  tied  under  the  belly  of  his  own  horse.  Grieve  conducted 
him  to  the  village,  whither  also  the  carriage  proceeded.  It 
was  with  great  difficulty  the  Countess  could  be  kept  from 
swooning ;  but  at  last  she  was  happily  conveyed  to  the  house 
of  the  apothecary,  who  went  into  the  shop  to  prepare  some 
drops  for  her,  while  his  wife  and  daughter  administered  to 
her  in  another  apartment. 

I  found  the  Count  standing  in  the  kitchen  with  the  parson 
of  the  parish,  and  expressing  much  impatience  to  see  his  pro- 
tector, whom  as  yet  he  had  scarce  found  time  to  thank  for 
the  essential  service  he  had  done  him  and  the  Countess.  The 
daughter  passing  at  the  same  time  with  a  glass  of  water. 
Monsieur  de  Melville  could  not  help  taking  notice  of  her 
figure,  which  was  strikingly  engaging — "  Ay,"  said  the  par- 
son, "  she  is  the  prettiest  girl  and  the  best  girl  in  all  my 
parish ;  and  if  I  could  give  my  son  an  estate  of  ten  thousand 
a  year,  he  should  have  my  consent  to  lay  it  at  her  feet.  If 
Mr.  Grieve  had  been  as  solicitous  about  getting  money,  as  he 
has  been  in  performing  all  the  duties  of  a  primitive  Christian, 
Fy  would  not  have  hung  so  long  upon  his  hands." — "  What 
is  her  name?"  said  I.  "Sixteen  years  ago,"  answered  the 
vicar,  "  I  christened  her  by  the  name  of  Serafina  Melvilia."— 
"  Ha !  what !  how !  "  cried  the  Count  eagerly,  "  sure  you  said 
Serafina  Melvilia."—"  I  did,"  said  he ;  "  Mr.  Grieve  told  me 

175 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

those  were  the  names  of  two  noble  persons  abroad,  to  whom 
he  had  been  obliged  for  more  than  life." 

The  Count,  without  speaking  another  syllable,  rushed  into 
the  parlour  crying,  "  This  is  your  god-daughter,  my  dear." 
Mrs.  Grieve  then,  seizing  the  Countess  by  the  hand,  exclaimed 
with  great  agitation,  "  O  madam ! — O  sir !  I  am — I  am  your 
poor  Elinor.  This  is  my  Serafina  Melvilia.  O  child !  these 
are  the  Count  and  Countess  of  Melville — the  generous — the 
glorious  benefactors  of  thy  once  unhappy  parents." 

The  Countess,  rising  from  her  seat,  threw  her  arms  about 
the  neck  of  the  amiable  Serafina,  and  clasped  her  to  her  breast 
with  great  tenderness,  while  she  herself  was  embraced  by  the 
weeping  mother.  This  moving  scene  was  completed  by  the 
entrance  of  Grieve  himself,  who,  falling  on  his  knees  before 
the  Count,  "  Behold,"  said  he,  "  a  penitent,  who  at  length  can 
look  upon  his  patron  without  shrinking." — "Ah,  Ferdinand !  " 
cried  he,  raising  and  folding  him  in  his  arms,  "  the  playfellow 
of  my  infancy — the  companion  of  my  youth !  It  is  to  you 
then  I  am  indebted  for  my  life  ?  " — "  Heaven  has  heard  my 
prayer,"  said  the  other,  "  and  given  me  an  opportunity  to 
prove  myself  not  altogether  unworthy  of  your  clemency  and 
protection."  He  then  kissed  the  hand  of  the  Countess,  while 
Monsieur  de  Melville  saluted  his  wife  and  lovely  daughter, 
and  all  of  us  were  greatly  affected  by  this  pathetic  recogni- 
tion. 

In  a  word.  Grieve  was  no  other  than  Ferdinand  Count 
Fathom,  whose  adventures  were  printed  many  years  ago.  Be- 
ing a  sincere  convert  to  virtue,  he  had  changed  his  name,  that 
he  might  elude  the  inquiries  of  the  Count,  whose  generous 
allowance  he  determined  to  forego,  that  he  might  have  no 
dependence  but  upon  his  own  industry  and  moderation.  He 
had  accordingly  settled  in  this  village  as  a  practitioner  in  sur- 
gery and  physic,  and  for  some  years  wrestled  with  all  the 
miseries  of  indigence;  which,  however,  he  and  his  wife  had 
borne  with  the  most  exemplary  resignation.  At  length,  by 
dint  of  unwearied  attention  to  the  duties  of  his  profession, 
which  he  exercised  with  equal  humanity  and  success,  he  had 
acquired  a  tolerable  share  of  business  among  the  farmers  and 
common  people,  which  enabled  him  to  live  in  a  decent  man- 
ner.   He  had  been  scarce  ever  seen  to  smile,  was  unaffectedly 

176 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

pious ;  and  all  the  time  he  could  spare  from  the  avocations  of 
his  employment,  he  spent  in  educating  his  daughter,  and  in 
studying  for  his  own  improvement.  In  short,  the  adventurer 
Fathom  was,  under  the  name  of  Grieve,  universally  respected 
among  the  commonalty  of  this  district,  as  a  prodigy  of  learn- 
ing and  virtue.  These  particulars  I  learned  from  the  vicar, 
when  we  quitted  the  room,  that  they  might  be  under  no  re- 
straint in  their  mutual  effusions.  I  make  no  doubt  that  Grieve 
will  be  pressed  to  leave  off  business,  and  reunite  himself  to  the 
Count's  family;  and  as  the  Countess  seemed  extremely  fond 
of  his  daughter,  she  will,  in  all  probability,  insist  upon  Sera- 
fina's  accompanying  her  to  Scotland. 

Having  paid  our  compliments  to  these  noble  persons,  we 
returned  to  the  squire's,  where  we  expected  an  invitation  to 
pass  the  night,  which  was  wet  and  raw ;  but,  it  seems.  Squire 
Burdock's  hospitality  reached  not  so  far  for  the  honour  of 
Yorkshire :  we  therefore  departed  in  the  evening,  and  lay  at 
an  inn,  where  I  caught  cold. 

In  hope  of  riding  it  down  before  it  could  take  fast  hold  on 
my  constitution,  I  resolved  to  visit  another  relation,  one  Mr. 
Pimpernel,  who  lived  about  a  dozen  miles  from  the  place 
where  we  lodged.  Pimpernel,  being  the  youngest  of  four 
sons,  was  bred  an  attorney  at  Fumival's  Inn ;  but  all  his  elder 
brothers  dying,  he  got  himself  called  to  the  bar  for  the  honour 
of  his  family,  and,  soon  after  this  preferment,  succeeded  to  his 
father's  estate,  which  was  very  considerable.  He  carried 
home  with  him  all  the  knavish  chicanery  of  the  lowest  petti- 
fogger, together  with  a  wife  whom  he  had  purchased  of 
a  drayman  for  twenty  pounds;  and  he  soon  found  means  to 
obtain  a  dedimus  as  an  acting  justice  of  peace.  He  is  not  only 
a  sordid  miser  in  his  disposition,  but  his  avarice  is  mingled 
with  a  spirit  of  despotism,  which  is  truly  diabolical.  He  is 
a  brutal  husband,  an  unnatural  parent,  a  harsh  master,  an 
oppressive  landlord,  a  litigious  neighbour,  and  a  partial  mag- 
istrate. Friends  he  has  none ;  and,  in  point  of  hospitality  and 
good-breeding,  our  cousin  Burdock  is  a  prince  in  comparison 
of  this  ungracious  miscreant,  whose  house  is  the  lively  repre- 
sentation of  a  jail.  Our  reception  was  suitable  to  the  charac- 
ter I  have  sketched.  Had  it  depended  upon  the  wife,  we 
should  have  been  kindly  treated.     She  is  really  a  good  sort 

II  177 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

of  a  woman,  in  spite  of  her  low  original,  and  well  respected 
in  the  county ;  but  she  has  not  interest  enough  in  her  own 
house  to  command  a  draught  of  table-beer,  far  less  to  bestow 
any  kind  of  education  on  her  children,  who  run  about  like 
ragged  colts  in  a  state  of  nature.  Pox  on  him !  he  is  such  a 
dirty  fellow,  that  I  have  not  patience  to  prosecute  the  sub- 
ject. 

By  the  time  we  reached  Harrowgate,  I  began  to  be  visited 
by  certain  rheumatic  symptoms.  The  Scotch  lawyer,  Mr. 
Micklewhimmen,  recommended  a  hot  bath  of  these  waters  so 
earnestly  that  I  was  over-persuaded  to  try  the  experiment. 
He  had  used  it  often  with  success,  and  always  stayed  an  hour 
in  the  bath,  which  was  a  tub  filled  with  Harrowgate  water, 
heated  for  the  purpose.  If  I  could  hardly  bear  the  smell  of  a 
single  tumbler  when  cold,  you  may  guess  how  my  nose  was  re- 
galed by  the  steams  arising  from  a  hot  bath  of  the  same  fluid. 
At  night  I  was  conducted  into  a  dark  hole  on  the  ground  floor, 
where  the  tub  smoked  and  stunk  like  the  pit  of  Acheron  in 
one  corner,  and  in  another  stood  a  dirty  bed  provided  with 
thick  blankets,  in  which  I  was  to  sweat  after  coming  out  of 
the  bath.  My  heart  seemed  to  die  within  me  when  I  entered 
this  dismal  bagnio,  and  found  my  brain  assaulted  by  such  in- 
sufferable effluvia.  I  cursed  Micklewhimmen,  for  not  con- 
sidering that  my  organs  were  formed  on  this  side  of  the 
Tweed;  but  being  ashamed  to  recoil  upon  the  threshold,  I 
submitted  to  the  process. 

After  having  endured  all  but  real  suffocation  for  above  a 
quarter  of  an  hour  in  the  tub,  I  was  moved  to  the  bed,  and 
wrapped  in  blankets.  There  I  lay  a  full  hour  panting  with 
intolerable  heat;  but  not  the  least  moisture  appearing  on  my 
skin,  I  was  carried  to  my  own  chamber,  and  passed  the  night 
without  closing  an  eye,  in  such  a  flutter  of  spirits  as  rendered 
me  the  most  miserable  wretch  in  being.  I  should  certainly 
have  run  distracted,  if  the  rarefaction  of  my  blood,  occasioned 
by  that  Stygian  bath,  had  not  burst  the  vessels,  and  produced 
a  violent  hemorrhage,  which,  though  dreadful  and  alarming, 
removed  the  horrible  disquiet.  I  lost  two  pounds  of  blood  and 
more  on  this  occasion ;  and  find  myself  still  weak  and  languid : 
but,  I  believe,  a  little  exercise  will  forward  my  recovery ;  and 
therefore  I  am  resolved  to  set  out  to-morrow  for  York,  in  my 

178 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

way  to  Scarborough,  where  I  propose  to  brace  up  my  fibres 
by  sea-bathing,  which  I  know  is  one  of  your  favourite  speci- 
fics. There  is,  however,  one  disease,  for  which  you  have 
found  as  yet  no  specific,  and  that  is  old  age,  of  which  this 
tedious  unconnected  epistle  is  an  infallible  symptom.  •  What, 
therefore,  cannot  be  cured,  must  be  endured,  by  you,  as  well 
as  by  yours.  Matt.  Bramble. 

Harrowgate,  June  26. 

To  Str  Watkin  Phillips,  Barf,  of  Jesus  College,  Oxon. 

Dear  Knight^ — The  manner  of  living  at  Harrowgate  was 
so  agreeable  to  my  disposition,  that  I  left  the  place  with  some 
regret.  Our  aunt  Tabby  would  have  probably  made  some 
objection  to  our  departing  so  soon,  had  not  an  accident  em- 
broiled her  with  Mr.  Micklewhimmen,  the  Scotch  advocate, 
on  whose  heart  she  had  been  practising,  from  the  second  day 
after  our  arrival.  That  original,  though  seemingly  precluded 
from  the  use  of  his  limbs,  had  turned  his  genius  to  good  ac- 
count. In  short,  by  dint  of  groaning  and  whining,  he  had 
excited  the  compassion  of  the  company  so  effectually  that  an 
old  lady,  who  occupied  the  very  best  apartment  in  the  house, 
gave  it  up  for  his  ease  and  convenience.  When  his  man  led 
him  into  the  long-room,  all  the  females  were  immediately  in 
commotion.  One  set  an  elbow-chair;  another  shook  up  the 
cushion;  a  third  brought  a  stool;  and  a  fourth  a  pillow,  for 
the  accommodation  of  his  feet.  Two  ladies  (of  whom  Tabby 
was  always  one)  supported  him  into  the  dining-room,  and 
placed  him  properly  at  the  table;  and  his  taste  was  indulged 
with  a  succession  of  delicacies,  culled  by  their  fair  hands.  All 
this  attention  he  repaid  with  a  profusion  of  compliments  and 
benedictions,  which  were  not  the  less  agreeable  for  being  de- 
livered in  the  Scottish  dialect.  As  for  Mrs.  Tabitha,  his  re- 
spects were  particularly  addressed  to  her,  and  he  did  not  fail 
to  mingle  them  with  religious  reflections,  touching  free  grace, 
knowing  her  bias  to  Methodism,  which  he  also  professed  upon 
a  Calvinistical  model. 

For  my  part,  I  could  not  help  thinking  this  lawyer  was  not 
such  an  invalid  as  he  pretended  to  be,  I  observed  he  ate  very 
heartily  three  times  a  day ;  and  though  his  bottle  was  marked 

179 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

stomachic  tincture,  he  had  recourse  to  it  so  often,  and  seemed 
to  swallow  it  with  such  peculiar  relish,  that  I  suspected  it  was 
not  compounded  in  the  apothecary's  shop,  or  the  chemist's 
laboratory.  One  day,  while  he  was  earnest  in  discourse  with 
Mrs.  Tabitha,  and  his  servant  had  gone  out  on  some  occa- 
sion or  other,  I  dexterously  exchanged  the  labels  and  situa- 
tion of  his  bottle  and  mine;  and,  having  tasted  his  tincture, 
found  it  was  excellent  claret.  I  forthwith  handed  it  about  to 
some  of  my  neighbours,  and  it  was  quite  emptied  before  Mr. 
Micklewhimmen  had  occasion  to  repeat  his  draught.  At 
length,  turning  about,  he  took  hold  of  my  bottle  instead  of  his 
own,  and,  filling  a  large  glass,  drank  to  the  health  of  Mrs. 
Tabitha.  It  had  scarce  touched  his  lips,  when  he  perceived 
the  change  which  had  been  put  on  him,  and  was  at  first  a 
little  out  of  countenance.  He  seemed  to  retire  within  himself 
in  order  to  deliberate,  and  in  half  a  minute  his  resolution  was 
taken.  Addressing  himself  to  our  quarter,  "  I  give  the  gen- 
tleman credit  for  his  wit,"  said  he ;  "  it  was  a  gude  practical 
joke ;  but  sometimes  hi  joci  in  seria  ducunt  mala.  I  hope,  for 
his  own  sake,  he  hasna  drank  all  the  liccor ;  for  it  was  a  vara 
poorful  infusion  of  jallap  in  Bordeaux  wine;  and  it's  possible 
he  may  ta'en  sic  a  dose  as  will  produce  a  terrible  catastrophe 
in  his  ain  booels." 

By  far  the  greater  part  of  the  contents  had  fallen  to  the 
share  of  a  young  clothier  from  Leeds,  who  had  come  to  make 
a  figure  at  Harrowgate,  and  was,  in  effect,  a  great  coxcomb 
in  his  way.  It  was  with  a  view  to  laugh  at  his  fellow-guests, 
as  well  as  to  mortify  the  lawyer,  that  he  had  emptied  the  bot- 
tle, when  it  came  to  his  turn,  and  he  had  laughed  accordingly. 
But  now  his  mirth  gave  way  to  his  apprehension.  He  began 
to  spit,  to  make  wry  faces,  and  writhe  himself  into  various 
contortions — "  D — n  the  stuff !  "  cried  he,  "  I  thought  it  had 
a  villanous  twang — pah !  He  that  would  cozen  a  Scot,  mun 
get  oop  betimes,  and  take  old  Scratch  for  his  counsellor." — 
"  In  trouth,  mester  what  d'ye  ca'um,"  replied  the  lawyer, 
"  your  wit  has  run  you  into  a  filthy  puddle — I'm  truly  con- 
samed  for  your  waeful  case.  The  best  advice  I  can  give  you 
in  sic  a  dilemma,  is  to  send  an  express  to  Rippon  for  Dr. 
Waugh  without  delay;  and,  in  the  meantime,  swallow  all  the 
oil  and  butter  you  can  find  in  the  hoose,  to  defend  your  poor 

j8q 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

stomach  and  intastines  from  the  vilHcation  of  the  particles  of 
the  jallap,  which  i's  vara  violent,  even  when  taken  in  modera- 
tion." 

The  poor  clothier's  torments  had  already  begun.  He  re- 
tired, roaring  with  pain,  to  his  own  chamber;  the  oil  was 
swallowed,  and  the  doctor  sent  for ;  but  before  he  arrived,  the 
miserable  patient  had  made  such  discharges  upwards  and 
downwards,  that  nothing  remained  to  give  him  farther  of- 
fence. And  this  double  evacuation  was  produced  by  imag- 
ination alone;  for  what  he  had  drunk  was  genuine  wine  of 
Bordeaux,  which  the  lawyer  had  brought  from  Scotland,  for 
his  own  private  use.  The  clothier,  finding  the  joke  turn  out 
so  expensive  and  disagreeable,  quitted  the  house  next  morn- 
ing, leaving  the  triumph  to  Micklewhimmen,  who  enjoyed  it 
internally,  without  any  outward  signs  of  exultation;  on  the 
contrary,  he  affected  to  pity  the  young  man  for  what  he  had 
suffered,  and  acquired  fresh  credit  from  this  show  of  mod- 
eration. 

It  was  about  the  middle  of  the  night  which  succeeded  this 
adventure,  that  the  vent  of  the  kitchen  chimney  being  foul, 
the  soot  took  fire,  and  the  alarm  was  given  in  a  dreadful  man- 
ner. Everybody  leaped  naked  out  of  bed,  and  in  a  minute  the 
whole  house  was  filled  with  cries  and  confusion.  There  were 
two  stairs  in  the  house,  and  to  these  we  naturally  ran;  but 
they  were  both  so  blocked  up  by  the  people  pressing  upon  one 
another,  that  it  seemed  impossible  to  pass  without  throwing 
down  and  trampling  upon  the  women.  In  the  midst  of  this 
anarchy,  Mr.  Micklewhimmen,  with  a  leathern  portmanteau 
on  his  back,  came  running  as  nimbly  as  a  buck  along  the 
passage;  and  Tabby,  in  her  under  petticoat,  endeavouring  to 
hook  him  under  the  arm,  that  she  might  escape  through  his 
protection,  he  very  fairly  pushed  her  down,  crying,  "  Na,  na, 
gude  faith,  charity  begins  at  hame ! "  Without  paying  the 
least  respect  to  the  shrieks  and  entreaties  of  his  female 
friends,  he  charged  through  the  midst  of  the  crowd,  over- 
turning everything  that  opposed  him,  and  actually  fought  his 
way  to  the  bottom  of  the  staircase.  By  this  time  Clinker  had 
found  a  ladder,  by  which  he  entered  the  window  of  my  uncle's 
chamber,  where  our  family  was  assembled,  and  proposed  that 
we  should  make  our  exit  successively  by  that  conveyance. 

i8i 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

The  squire  exhorted  his  sister  to  begin  the  descent;  but,  be- 
fore she  could  resolve,  her  woman,  Mrs.  Winifred  Jenkins,  in 
a  transport  of  terror,  threw  herself  out  at  the  window  upon 
the  ladder,  while  Humphry  dropped  upon  the  ground,  that 
he  might  receive  her  in  her  descent.  This  maiden  was  just 
as  she  had  started  out  of  bed;  the  moon  shone  very  bright, 
and  a  fresh  breeze  of  wind  blowing,  none  of  Mrs.  Winifred's 
beauties  could  possibly  escape  the  view  of  the  fortunate 
Clinker,  whose  heart  was  not  able  to  withstand  the  united 
force  of  so  many  charms ;  at  least,  I  am  much  mistaken  if  he 
has  not  been  her  humble  slave  from  that  moment.  He  re- 
ceived her  in  his  arms,  and,  giving  her  his  coat  to  protect  her 
from  the  weather,  ascended  again  with  admirable  dexterity. 

At  that  instant  the  landlord  of  the  house  called  out  with  an 
audible  voice,  that  the  fire  was  extinguished,  and  the  ladies 
had  nothing  farther  to  fear.  This  was  a  welcome  note  to  the 
audience,  and  produced  an  immediate  eff-ect;  the  shrieking 
ceased,  and  a  confused  sound  of  expostulation  ensued.  I  con- 
ducted Mrs.  Tabitha  and  my  sister  to  their  own  chamber, 
where  Liddy  fainted  away,  but  was  soon  brought  to  herself. 
Then  I  went  to  offer  my  service  to  the  other  ladies,  who  might 
want  assistance.  They  were  all  scudding  through  the  passage 
to  their  several  apartments ;  and  as  the  thoroughfare  was 
lighted  by  two  lamps,  I  had  a  pretty  good  observation  of  them 
in  their  transit ;  but,  as  most  of  them  were  naked  to  the  smock^ 
and  all  their  heads  shrouded  in  huge  nightcaps,  I  could  not 
distinguish  one  face  from  another,  though  I  recognised  some 
of  their  voices.  These  were  generally  plaintive;  some  wept, 
some  scolded,  and  some  prayed.  I  lifted  up  one  poor  gentle- 
woman, who  had  been  overturned  and  sore  bruised  by  a  mul- 
titude of  feet;  and  this  was  also  the  case  with  the  lame  par- 
son from  Northumberland,  whom  Micklewhimmen  had  in  his 
passage  overthrown,  though  not  with  impunity;  for  the  crip- 
ple, in  falling,  gave  him  such  a  good  pelt  in  the  head  with  his 
crutch,  that  the  blood  followed. 

As  for  the  lawyer,  he  waited  below  till  the  hurly-burly  was 
over,  and  then  stole  softly  to  his  own  chamber,  from  which  he 
did  not  venture  to  make  a  second  sally  till  eleven  in  the  fore- 
noon, when  he  was  led  into  the  public  room  by  his  own  serv- 
ant and  another  assistant,   groaning  most  wofully,  with  a 

182 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

blcx)dy  napkin  round  his  head.  But  things  were  greatly  al- 
tered— the  selfish  brutality  of  his  behaviour  on  the  stairs  had 
steeled  their  hearts  against  all  his  arts  and  address.  Not  a 
soul  ofTered  to  accommodate  him  with  a  chair,  cushion,  or 
footstool ;  so  that  he  was  obliged  to  sit  down  on  a  hard 
wooden  bench.  In  that  position  he  looked  around  with  a 
rueful  aspect,  and,  bowing  very  low,  said,  in  a  whining  tone, 
"  Your  most  humble  servant,  ladies — fire  is  a  dreadful  calam- 
ity."— "  Fire  purifies  gold,  and  it  tries  friendship,"  cried  Mrs. 
Tabitha,  bridling.  "  Yea,  madam,"  replied  Micklewhimmen, 
"  and  it  trieth  discretion  also." — "  If  discretion  consists  in  for- 
saking a  friend  in  adversity,  you  are  eminently  possessed  of 
that  virtue,"  resumed  our  aunt.  "  Na,  madam,"  rejoined  the 
advocate,  "  well  I  wot,  I  cannot  claim  any  merit  from  the 
mode  of  my  retreat.  Ye'll  please  to  observe,  ladies,  there  are 
twa  independent  principles  that  actuate  our  nature;  one  is 
instinct,  which  we  have  in  common  with  the  brute  creation, 
and  the  other  is  reason,  Noo,  in  certain  great  emergencies, 
when  the  faculty  of  reason  is  suspended,  instinct  taks  the 
lead,  and,  when  this  predominates,  having  no  affinity  with  rea- 
son, it  pays  no  sort  of  regard  to  its  connexions ;  it  only  oper- 
ates for  the  preservation  of  the  individual,  and  that  by  the 
most  expeditious  and  effectual  means.  Therefore,  begging 
your  pardon,  ladies,  I'm  no  accountable,  in  foro  conscientioe, 
for  what  I  did,  while  under  the  influence  of  this  irresistible 
pooer." 

Here  my  uncle  interposed, — "  I  should  be  glad  to  know," 
said  he,  "  whether  it  was  instinct  that  prompted  you  to  retreat 
with  bag  and  baggage ;  for,  I  think,  you  had  a  portmanteau 
on  your  shoulder." —  The  lawyer  answered  without  hesita- 
tion, "  Gif  I  might  tell  my  mind  freely,  without  incurring  the 
suspicion  of  presumption,  I  should  think  it  was  something 
superior  to  either  reason  or  instinct  which  suggested  that 
measure,  and  this  on  a  twafald  accoont.  In  the  first  place, 
the  portmanteau  contained  the  writings  of  a  worthy  noble- 
man's estate ;  and  their  being  burnt  would  have  occasioned  a 
loss  that  could  not  be  repaired.  Secondly,  my  good  angel 
seems  to  have  laid  the  portmantle  on  my  shoulders,  by  way  of 
defence,  to  sustain  the  violence  of  a  most  inhuman  blow  from 
the  crutch  of  a  reverend  clergv-man ;  which,  even  in  spite  of 

183 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

that  medium,  hath  wounded  me  sorely,  even  unto  the  peri- 
cranium."— "  By  your  doctrine,"  cried  the  parson,  who 
chanced  to  be  present,  "  1  am  not  accountable  for  the  blow, 
which  was  the  effect  of  instinct." — "  I  crave  your  pardon, 
reverend  sir,"  said  the  other,  "  instinct  never  acts  but  for  the 
preservation  of  the  individual ;  but  your  preservation  was  out 
of  the  case.  You  had  already  received  the  damage,  and  there- 
fore the  blow  must  be  imputed  to  revenge,  which  is  a  sinful 
passion,  that  ill  becomes  any  Christian,  especially  a  Protestant 
divine ;  and  let  me  tell  you,  most  reverend  doctor,  gin  I  had  a 
mind  to  plea,  the  law  would  hauld  my  libel  relevant." — "Why, 
the  damage  is  pretty  equal  on  both  sides,"  cried  the  parson; 
"  your  head  is  broke,  and  my  crutch  is  snapped  in  the  middle. 
Now,  if  you  will  repair  the  one,  I  will  be  at  the  expense  of 
curing  the  other." 

This  sally  raised  the  laugh  against  Micklewhimmen,  who 
began  to  look  grave ;  when  my  uncle,  in  order  to  change  the 
discourse,  observed,  that  instinct  had  been  very  kind  to  him 
in  another  respect,  for  it  had  restored  to  him  the  use  of  his 
limbs,  which,  in  his  exit,  he  had  moved  with  surprising  agility. 
He  replied,  that  it  was  the  nature  of  fear  to  brace  up  the 
nerves,  and  mentioned  some  surprising  feats  of  strength  and 
activity  performed  by  persons  under  the  impulse  of  terror; 
but  he  complained  that,  in  his  own  particular,  the  effects  had 
ceased  when  the  cause  was  taken  away.  The  squire  said  he 
would  lay  a  tea-drinking  on  his  head,  that  he  should  dance  a 
Scotch  measure,  without  making  a  false  step;  and  the  advo- 
cate grinning,  called  for  the  piper.  A  fiddler  being  at  hand, 
this  original  started  up,  with  his  bloody  napkin  over  his  black 
tie-periwig,  and  acquitted  himself  in  such  a  manner,  as  ex- 
cited the  mirth  of  the  whole  company;  but  he  could  not  re- 
gain the  good  graces  of  Mrs.  Tabby,  who  did  not  understand 
the  principle  of  instinct ;  and  the  lawyer  did  not  think  it  worth 
his  while  to  proceed  to  further  demonstration. 

From  Harrowgate  we  came  hither,  by  the  way  of  York, 
and  here  we  shall  tarry  some  days,  as  my  uncle  and  Tabitha 
are  both  resolved  to  make  use  of  the  waters.  Scarborough, 
though  a  paltry  town,  is  romantic,  from  its  situation  along  a 
cliff  that  overhangs  the  sea.  The  harbour  is  formed  by  a 
small  elbow  of  land  that  runs  out  as  a  natural  mole,  directly 

184  V 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

opposite  to  the  town ;  and  on  that  side  is  the  castle,  which 
stands  very  high,  of  considerable  extent,  and  before  the  in- 
vention of  gunpowder  Was  counted  impregnable.  At  the  other 
end  of  Scarborough  are  two  public  rooms  for  the  use  of  the 
company  who  resort  to  this  place  in  the  summer,  to  drink  the 
waters  and  bathe  in  the  sea;  and  the  diversions  are  pretty 
much  on  the  same  footing  here  as  at  Bath.  The  Spa  is  a 
little  way  beyond  the  town,  on  this  side,  under  a  cliff,  within 
a  few  paces  of  the  sea,  and  thither  the  drinkers  go  every 
morning  in  dishabille;  but  the  descent  is  by  a  great  number 
of  steps,  which  invalids  find  very  inconvenient. 

Betwixt  the  well  and  the  harbour,  the  bathing  machines  are 
ranged  along  the  beach,  with  all  their  proper  utensils  and  at- 
tendants. You  have  never  seen  one  of  these  machines.  Im- 
agine to  yourself  a  small,  snug,  wooden  chamber,  fixed  upon 
a  wheel-carriage,  having  a  door  at  each  end,  and,  on  each 
side,  a  little  window  above,  a  bench  below.  The  bather  as- 
cending into  this  apartment  by  wooden  steps,  shuts  himself 
in,  and  begins  to  undress,  while  the  attendant  yokes  a  horse  to 
the  end  next  the  sea,  and  draws  the  carriage  forwards  till  the 
surface  of  the  water  is  on  a  level  with  the  floor  of  the  dress- 
ing-room, then  he  moves  and  fixes  the  horse  to  the  other  end. 
The  person  within,  being  stripped,  opens  the  door  to  the  sea- 
ward, where  he  finds  the  guide  ready,  and  plunges  headlong 
into  the  water.  After  having  bathed,  he  reascends  into  the 
apartment,  by  the  steps  which  had  been  shifted  for  that  pur- 
pose, and  puts  on  his  clothes  at  his  leisure,  while  the  carriage 
is  drawn  back  again  upon  the  dry  land,  so  that  he  has  nothing 
further  to  do  but  to  open  the  door,  and  come  down  as  he  went 
up.  Should  he  be  so  weak  or  ill  as  to  require  a  servant  to 
put  off  or  on  his  clothes,  there  is  room  enough  in  the  apart- 
ment for  half-a-dozen  people.  The  guides  who  attend  the 
ladies  in  the  water  are  of  their  own  sex,  and  they  and  the 
female  bathers  have  a  dress  of  flannel  for  the  sea;  nay,  they 
are  provided  with  other  conveniences  for  the  support  of  de- 
corum. A  certain  number  of  the  machines  are  fitted  with 
tilts,  that  project  from  the  seaward  ends  of  them,  so  as  to 
screen  the  bathers  from  the  view  of  all  persons  whatsoever. 
The  beach  is  admirably  adapted  for  this  practice,  the  descent 
being  gently  gradual,  and  the  sand  soft  as  velvet;  but  then 

185 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

the  machines  can  be  used  only  at  a  certain  time  of  the  tide, 
which  varies  every  day;  so  that  sometimes  the  bathers  are 
obUged  to  rise  very  early  in  the  morning.  For  my  part,  I 
love  swimming  as  an  exercise,  and  can  enjoy  it  at  all  times  of 
the  tide,  without  the  formality  of  an  apparatus.  You  and  I 
have  often  plunged  together  into  the  Isis,  but  the  sea  is  a 
much  more  noble  bath,  for  health  as  well  as  pleasure.  You 
cannot  conceive  what  a  flow  of  spirits  it  gives,  and  how  it 
braces  every  sinew  of  the  human  frame.  Were  I  to  enu- 
merate half  the  diseases  which  are  every  day  cured  by  sea- 
bathing, you  might  justly  say  you  had  received  a  treatise,  in- 
stead of  a  letter,  from 

Your  affectionate  friend  and  servant, 
Scarborough,  July  i.  J.  Melford. 


To  Dr.  Lewis. 

I  HAVE  not  found  all  the  benefit  I  expected  at  Scarbor- 
ough, where  I  have  been  these  eight  days.  From  Harrow- 
gate  we  came  hither  by  the  way  of  York,  where  we  stayed 
only  one  day,  to  visit  the  castle,  the  minster,  and  the  assem- 
bly-room. The  first,  which  was  heretofore  a  fortress,  is  now 
converted  into  a  prison,  and  is  the  best,  in  all  respects,  I  ever 
saw  at  home  or  abroad.  It  stands  in  a  high  situation,  ex- 
tremely well  ventilated,  and  has  a  spacious  area  within  the 
walls  for  the  health  and  convenience  of  all  the  prisoners,  ex- 
cept those  whom  it  is  necessary  to  secure  in  close  confine- 
ment. Even  these  last  have  all  the  comforts  that  the  nature 
of  their  situation  can  admit  of.  Here  the  assizes  are  held,  in 
a  range  of  buildings  erected  for  that  purpose. 

As  for  the  minster,  I  know  not  how  to  distinguish  it,  ex- 
cept by  its  great  size,  and  the  height  of  its  spire,  from  those 
other  ancient  churches  in  different  parts  of  the  kingdom, 
which  used  to  be  called  monuments  of  Gothic  architecture; 
but  it  is  now  agreed  that  this  style  is  Saracen  rather  than 
Gothic,  and,  I  suppose,  it  was  first  imported  into  England 
from  Spain,  great  part  of  which  was  under  the  dominion  of 
the  Moors.  Those  British  architects  who  adopted  this  style 
don't  seem  to  have  considered  the  propriety  of  their  adop- 
tion.   The  climate  of  the  country  possessed  by  the  Moors  or 

i86 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

Saracens,  both  in  Africa  and  Spain,  was  so  exceedingly  hot 
and  dry,  that  those  who  built  places  of  worship  for  the  mul- 
titude employed  their  talents  in  contriving  edifices  that 
should  be  cool ;  and  for  this  purpose  nothing  could  be  better 
adapted  than  those  buildings,  vast,  narrow,  dark,  and  lofty, 
impervious  to  the  sunbeams,  and  having  little  communica- 
tion with  the  scorched  external  atmosphere,  but  ever  aiiford- 
ing  a  refreshing  coolness,  like  subterranean  cellars  in  the 
heats  of  summer,  or  natural  caverns  in  the  bowels  of  huge 
mountains.  But  nothing  could  be  more  preposterous  than 
to  imitate  such  a  mode  of  architecture  in  a  country  like 
England,  where  the  climate  is  cold,  and  the  air  eternally 
loaded  with  vapours,  and  where,  of  consequence,  the 
builder's  intention  should  be  to  keep  the  people  dry  and 
warm. 

For  my  part,  I  never  entered  the  abbey  church  at  Bath  but 
once,  and  the  moment  I  stepped  over  the  threshold,  I  found 
myself  chilled  to  the  very  marrow  of  my  bones.  When  we 
consider,  that,  in  our  churches  in  general,  we  breathe  a  gross 
stagnated  air,  surcharged  with  damps  from  vaults,  tombs, 
and  charnel-houses,  may  we  not  term  them  so  many  maga- 
zines of  rheums,  created  for  the  benefit  of  the  medical  faculty, 
and  safely  aver  that  more  bodies  are  lost  than  souls  saved 
by  going  to  church,  in  the  winter  especially,  which  may  be 
said  to  engross  eight  months  in  the  year.  I  should  be  glad 
to  know  what  offence  it  would  give  to  tender  consciences,  if 
the  house  of  God  was  made  more  comfortable,  or  less  dan- 
gerous to  the  health  of  valetudinarians ;  and  whether  it  would 
not  be  an  encouragement  to  piety,  as  well  as  the  salvation  of 
many  lives,  if  the  place  of  worship  was  well-floored,  wain- 
scoted, warmed,  and  ventilated,  and  its  area  kept  sacred  from 
the  pollution  of  the  dead.  The  practice  of  burying  in 
churches  was  the  effect  of  ignorant  superstition,  influenced 
by  knavish  priests,  who  pretended  that  the  devil  could  have 
no  power  over  the  defunct  if  he  was  interred  in  holy  ground ; 
and  this  indeed  is  the  only  reason  that  can  be  given  for  con- 
secrating all  cemeteries  even  at  this  day. 

The  external  appearance  of  an  old  cathedral  cannot  be  but 
displeasing  to  the  eye  of  every  man  who  has  any  idea  of  pro- 
priety or  proportion,  even  though  he  may  be  ignorant  of 

187 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

architecture  as  a  science ;  and  the  long  slender  spire  puts  one 
in  mind  of  a  criminal  impaled,  with  a  sharp  stake  rising  up 
through  his  shoulder.  These  towers,  or  steeples,  were  like- 
wise borrowed  from  the  Mahometans,  who,  having  no  bells, 
used  such  minarets  for  the  purpose  of  calling  the  people  to 
prayers.  They  may  be  of  farther  use,  however,  for  making 
observations  and  signals,  but  I  would  vote  for  their  being 
distinct  from  the  body  of  the  church,  because  they  serve  only 
to  make  the  pile  more  barbarous,  or  Saracenical. 

There  is  nothing  of  this  Arabic  architecture  in  the  assem- 
bly-room, which  seems  to  me  to  have  been  built  upon  a  de- 
sign of  Palladio,  and  might  be  converted  into  an  elegant 
place  of  worship;  but  it  is  indifferently  contrived  for  that 
sort  of  idolatry  which  is  performed  in  it  at  present.  The 
grandeur  of  the  fane  gives  a  diminutive  effect  to  the  little 
painted  divinities  that  are  adored  in  it,  and  the  company,  on 
a  ball-night,  must  look  like  an  assembly  of  fantastic  fairies, 
revelling  by  moonlight  among  the  columns  of  a  Grecian 
temple. 

Scarborough  seems  to  Tdc  falling  off  in  point  of  reputation. 
All  these  places  (Bath  excepted)  have  their  vogue,  and  then 
the  fashion  changes.  I  am  persuaded  there  are  fifty  spas 
in  England  as  efficacious  and  salutary  as  that  of  Scarbor- 
ough, though  they  have  not  yet  risen  to  fame,  and  perhaps 
never  will,  unless  some  medical  encomiast  should  find  an  in- 
terest in  displaying  their  virtues  to  the  public  view.  Be  that 
as  it  may,  recourse  will  always  be  had  to  this  place  for  the 
convenience  of  sea-bathing,  while  this  practice  prevails ;  but 
it  were  to  be  wished  they  would  make  the  beach  more  ac- 
cessible to  invalids. 

I  have  here  met  with  an  old  acquaintance,  H — t,  whom 
you  have  often  heard  me  mention  as  one  of  the  most  original 
characters  upon  earth.  I  first  knew  him  at  Venice,  and  after- 
wards saw  him  in  different  parts  of  Italy,  where  he  was  well 
known  by  the  nickname  of  Cavallo  Bianco,  from  his  appear- 
ing always  mounted  on  a  pale  horse,  like  Death  in  the  Reve- 
lation. You  must  remember  the  account  I  once  gave  you 
of  a  curious  dispute  he  had  at  Constantinople,  with  a  couple 
of  Turks,  in  defence  of  the  Christian  religion ;  a  dispute  from 

1 88 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

which  he  acquired  the  epithet  of  Demonstrator.  The  truth 
is,  H — t  owns  no  religion  but  that  of  nature;  but,  on  this 
occasion,  he  was  stimulated  to  show  his  parts,  for  the  honour 
of  his  country.  Some  years  ago,  being  in  the  Campidoglio 
at  Rome,  he  made  up  to  the  bust  of  Jupiter,  and  bowing  very 
low,  exclaimed  in  the  Italian  language,  "  I  hope,  sir,  if  ever 
you  get  your  head  above  water  again,  you  will  remember 
that  I  paid  my  respects  to  you  in  your  adversity."  This  sally 
was  reported  to  the  Cardinal  Camerlango,  and  by  him  laid 
before  Pope  Benedict  xiv.,  who  could  not  help  laughing  at 
the  extravagance  of  the  address,  and  said  to  the  cardinal, 
"  Those  English  heretics  think  they  have  a  right  to  go  to 
the  devil  in  their  own  way." 

Indeed,  H — t  was  the  only  Englishman  I  ever  knew  who 
had  resolution  enough  to  live  in  his  own  way  in  the  midst  of 
foreigners ;  for,  neither  in  dress,  diet,  customs,  or  conversa- 
tion, did  he  deviate  one  tittle  from  the  manner  in  which  he 
had  been  brought  up.  About  twelve  years  ago,  he  began  a 
giro,  or  circuit,  which  he  thus  performed.  At  Naples,  where 
he  fixed  his  headquarters,  he  embarked  for  Marseilles,  from 
whence  he  travelled  with  a  voiturin  to  Antibes.  There  he 
took  his  passage  to  Genoa  and  Lerici ;  from  which  last  place 
he  proceeded,  by  the  way  of  Cambratina,  to  Pisa  and  Flor- 
ence. After  having  halted  some  time  in  this  metropolis,  he 
set  out  with  a  vetturino  for  Rome,  where  he  reposed  himself  a 
few  weeks,  and  then  continued  his  route  to  Naples,  in  order 
to  wait  for  the  next  opportunity  of  embarkation.  After  hav- 
ing twelve  times  described  this  circle,  he  lately  flew  oflf  at  a 
tangent  to  visit  some  trees  at  his  country-house  in  England. 
which  he  had  planted  above  twenty  years  ago,  after  the  plan 
of  the  double  colonnade  in  the  piazza  of  St.  Peter's  at  Rome. 
He  came  hither  to  Scarborough  to  pay  his  respects  to  his 

noble  friend  and  former  pupil,  the  M of  G ,  and, 

forgetting  that  he  is  now  turned  of  seventy,  sacrificed  so 
liberally  to  Bacchus,  that  next  day  he  was  seized  with  a  fit 
of  the  apoplexy,  which  has  a  little  impaired  his  memory ;  but 
he  retains  all  the  oddity  of  his  character  in  perfection,  and  is 
going  back  to  Italy,  by  the  way  of  Geneva,  that  he  may  have 
a  conference  with  his  friend  Voltaire,  about  giving  the  last 

189 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

blow  to  the  Christian  superstition.  He  intends  to  take  ship- 
ping here  for  Holland  or  Hamburg;  for  it  is  a  matter  of 
great  indifference  to  him  at  what  part  of  the  Continent  he 
first  lands. 

When  he  was  going  abroad  the  last  time,  he  took  his  pas- 
sage in  a  ship  bound  for  Leghorn,  and  his  baggage  was 
actually  embarked.  In  going  down  the  river  by  water,  he 
was,  by  mistake,  put  on  board  of  another  vessel  under  sail, 
and,  upon  inquiry,  understood  she  was  bound  to  Peters- 
burgh.  "  Petersburgh — Petersburgh,"  said  he ;  "I  don't 
care  if  I  go  along  with  you."  He  forthwith  struck  a  bargain 
with  the  captain,  bought  a  couple  of  shirts  of  the  mate,  and 
was  safe  conveyed  to  the  court  of  Muscovy,  from  whence  he 
travelled  by  land  to  receive  his  baggage  at  Leghorn.  He  is 
now  more  likely  than  ever  to  execute  a  whim  of  the  same 
nature ;  and  I  will  hold  any  wager,  that,  as  he  cannot  be  sup- 
posed to  live  much  longer,  according  to  the  course  of  nature, 
his  exit  will  be  as  odd  as  his  life  has  been  extravagant,  i 

But,  to  return  from  one  humourist  to  another.  You  must 
know  I  have  received  benefit  both  from  the  chalybeate  and 
the  sea,  and  would  have  used  them  longer,  had  not  a  most 
ridiculous  adventure,  by  making  me  the  town-talk,  obliged 
me  to  leave  the  place  ;  for  I  can't  bear  the  thoughts  of  afford- 
ing a  spectacle  to  the  multitude.  Yesterday  morning,  at  six 
o'clock,  I  went  down  to  the  bathing-place,  attended  by  my 
servant  Clinker,  who  waited  on  the  beach  as  usual.  The 
wind  blowing  from  the  north,  and  the  weather  being  hazy, 
the  water  proved  so  chill,  that,  when  I  rose  from  my  first 
plunge,  I  could  not  help  sobbing  and  bawling  out  from  the 
effects  of  the  cold.    Clinker,  who  heard  my  cry,  and  saw  me 

*Th!s  gfentleman  crossed  the  sea  to  France,  visited  and  conferred  with  M.  de 
Voltaire  at  Fernay,  resumed  his  old  circuit  at  Genoa,  and  died  in  1767,  at  the  house  of 
Vanini  in  Florence.  Being  talcen  with  a  suppression  of  urine,  he  resolved,  in  imitation 
of  Pomponius  Atticus  to  take  himself  off  by  abstinence;  and  this  resolution  he  ex- 
ecuted like  an  ancient  Roman.  He  saw  company  to  the  last,  cracked  his  jokes,  con- 
versed freely,  and  entertained  his  guests  with  music.  On  the  third  day  of  his  fast,  he 
found  himself  entirely  free  of  his  complaint;  but  refused  taking  sustenance.  He  said, 
the  most  disagreeable  part  of  the  voyage  was  past,  and  he  should  be  a  cursed  fool 
indeed  to  put  about  ship,  when  he  was  just  entering  the  hirbour.  In  these  sentiments 
he  persisted,  without  any  marks  of  affectation,  and  thus  finished  his  course  with  §UCh 
ease  and  serenity  as  would  have  done  honour  to  the  firmest  stoic  of  »nti(]uity, 

190 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

indistinctly  a  good  way  without  the  guide,  buffeting  the 
waves,  took  it  for  granted  I  was  drowning,  and  rushing  into 
the  sea,  clothes  and  all,  overturned  the  guide,  in  his  hurry 
to  save  his  master.  I  had  swam  out  a  few  strokes,  when, 
hearing  a  noise,  I  turned  about,  and  saw  Clinker,  already  up 
to  his  neck,  advancing  towards  me,  with  all  the  wildness  of 
terror  in  his  aspect.  Afraid  he  would  get  out  of  his  depth,  I 
made  haste  to  meet  him,  when,  all  of  a  sudden,  he  seized  me 
by  one  ear,  and  dragged  me  bellowing  with  pain  upon  the 
dry  beach,  to  the  astonishment  of  all  the  people,  men,  wom- 
en, and  children,  there  assembled. 

I  was  so  exasperated  by  the  pain  of  my  ear,  and  the  dis- 
grace of  being  exposed  in  such  an  attitude,  that,  in  the  first 
transport,  I  struck  him  down ;  then,  running  back  into  the 
sea,  took  shelter  in  the  machine,  where  my  clothes  had  been 
deposited,  I  soon  recollected  myself  so  far,  as  to  do  justice 
to  the  poor  fellow,  who,  in  great  simplicity  of  heart,  had 
acted  from  motives  of  fidelity  and  affection.  Opening  the 
door  of  the  machine,  which  was  immediately  drawn  on  shore, 
I  saw  him  standing  by  the  wheel,  dropping  like  a  water- 
work,  and  trembling  from  head  to  foot,  partly  from  cold, 
and  partly  from  the  dread  of  having  offended  his  master.  I 
made  my  acknowledgments  for  the  blow  he  had  received, 
assured  him  I  was  not  angry,  and  insisted  upon  his  going 
home  immediately,  to  shift  his  clothes ;  a  command  which  he 
could  hardly  find  in  his  heart  to  execute,  so  well  disposed 
was  he  to  furnish  the  mob  with  farther  entertainment  at  my 
expense.  Clinker's  intention  was  laudable,  without  all  doubt, 
but,  nevertheless,  I  am  a  sufferer  by  his  simplicity.  I  have 
had  a  burning  heat,  and  a  strange  buzzing  noise  in  that  ear, 
ever  since  it  was  so  roughly  treated ;  and  I  cannot  walk  the 
street  without  being  pointed  at,  as  the  monster  that  was 
haled  naked  ashore  upon  the  beach.  Well,  I  aflfirm  that  folly 
is  often  more  provoking  than  knavery,  ay,  and  more  mis- 
chievous too;  and  whether  a  man  had  not  better  choose  a 
sensible  rogue,  than  an  honest  simpleton,  for  his  servant,  is 
no  matter  of  doubt  with  yours,  Matt.  Bramble. 

Scarborough,  July  4. 

191 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

To  Sir  Watkin  Phillips,  Bart,  of  Jesus  College,  Oxon. 

Dear  Wat, — We  made  a  precipitate  retreat  from  Scar- 
borough, owing  to  the  excessive  deUcacy  of  our  squire,  who 
cannot  bear  the  thoughts  of  being  prcetereuntium  digito  mon- 
stratus. 

One  morning,  while  he  was  bathing  in  the  sea,  his  man 
Qinker  took  it  in  his  head  that  his  master  was  in  danger  of 
drowning;  and,  in  this  conceit,  plunging  into  the  water,  he 
lugged  him  out  naked  on  the  beach,  and  almost  pulled  oflf 
his  ear  in  the  operation.  You  may  guess  how  this  achieve- 
ment was  relished  by  Mr.  Bramble,  who  is  impatient,  irasci- 
ble, and  has  the  most  extravagant  ideas  of  decency  and  de- 
corum in  the  economy  of  his  own  person.  In  the  first 
ebullition  of  his  choler,  he  knocked  Clinker  down  with  his 
fist ;  but  he  afterwards  made  him  amends  for  this  outrage ; 
and,  in  order  to  avoid  the  further  notice  of  the  people,  among 
whom  this  incident  had  made  him  remarkable,  he  resolved 
to  leave  Scarborough  next  day. 

We  set  out  accordingly  over  the  moors,  by  the  way  of 
Whitby,  and  began  our  journey  betimes,  in  hopes  of  reach- 
ing Stockton  that  night ;  but  in  this  hope  we  were  disap- 
pointed. In  the  afternoon,  crossing  a  deep  gutter,  made  by 
a  torrent,  the  coach  was  so  hard  strained,  that  one  of  the 
irons  which  connect  the  frame  snapt,  and  the  leather  sling 
on  the  same  side  cracked  in  the  middle.  The  shock  was  so 
great,  that  my  sister  Liddy  struck,  her  head  against  Mrs. 
Tabitha's  nose  with  such  violence  that  the  blood  flowed ;  and 
Win.  Jenkins  was  darted  through  a  small  window  in  that 
part  of  the  carriage  next  the  horses,  where  she  stuck  like  a 
bawd  in  the  pillory,  till  she  was  released  by  the  hand  of  Mr. 
Bramble.  We  were  eight  miles  distant  from  any  place 
where  we  could  be  supplied  with  chaises,  and  it  was  impossi- 
ble to  proceed  with  the  coach,  until  the  damage  should  be 
repaired.  In  this  dilemma,  we  discovered  a  blacksmith's 
forge  on  the  edge  of  a  small  common,  about  half  a  mile  from 
the  scene  of  our  disaster,  and  thither  the  postillions  made 
shift  to  draw  the  carriage  slowly,  while  the  company  walked 
a-foot ;  but  we  found  the  blacksmith  had  been  dead  some 
days;  and  his  wife,  who  had  been  lately  delivered,  was  de- 

192 


Humphry's  Zeal  for  his  Master 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

prived  of  her  senses,  under  the  care  of  a  nurse  hired  by  the 
parish.  We  were  exceedingly  mortified  at  this  disappoint- 
ment, which,  however,  was  surmounted  by  the  help  of  Hum- 
phry Clinker,  who  is  a  surprising  compound  of  genius  and 
simplicity.  Finding  the  tools  of  the  defunct,  together  with 
some  coals  in  the  smithy,  he  unscrewed  the  damaged  iron 
in  a  twinkling,  and,  kindling  a  fire,  united  the  broken  pieces 
with  equal  dexterity  and  despatch.  While  he  was  at  work 
upon  this  operation,  the  poor  woman  in  the  straw,  struck 
with  the  well-known  sound  of  the  hammer  and  anvil,  started 
up,  and,  notwithstanding  all  the  nurse's  efforts,  came  running 
into  the  smithy,  where,  throwing  her  arms  about  Clinker's 
neck,  "  Ah,  Jacob !  "  cried  she,  "  how  could  you  leave  me  in 
such  a  condition?  " 

This  incident  was  too  pathetic  to  occasion  mirth — it 
brought  tears  into  the  eyes  of  all  present.  The  poor  widow 
was  put  to  bed  again ;  and  we  did  not  leave  the  village  with- 
out doing  something  for  her  benefit.  Even  Tabitha's  charity 
was  awakened  on  this  occasion.  As  for  the  tender-hearted 
Humphry  Clinker,  he  hammered  the  iron,  and  wept  at  the 
same  time.  But  his  ingenuity  was  not  confined  to  his  own 
province  of  farrier  and  blacksmith — it  was  necessary  to  join 
the  leather  sling,  which  had  been  broke ;  and  this  service  he 
likewise  performed,  by  means  of  a  broken  awl,  which  he  new 
pointed  and  ground,  a  little  hemp,  which  he  spun  into  lingles, 
and  a  few  tacks  which  he  made  for  the  purpose.  Upon  the 
whole,  we  were  in  a  condition  to  proceed  in  little  more  than 
one  hour ;  but  even  this  delay  obliged  us  to  pass  the  night  at 
Gisborough.  Next  day  we  crossed  the  Tees  at  Stockton, 
which  is  a  neat  agreeable  town ;  and  there  we  resolved  to 
dine,  with  purpose  to  lie  at  Durham. 

Whom  should  we  meet  in  the  yard,  when  we  alighted, 
but  Martin,  the  adventurer !  Having  handed  out  the  ladies, 
and  conducted  them  into  an  apartment,  where  he  paid  his 
compliments  to  Mrs.  Tabby,  with  his  usual  address,  he 
begged  leave  to  speak  to  my  uncle  in  another  room ;  and 
there,  in  some  confusion,  he  made  an  apology  for  having 
taken  the  liberty  to  trouble  him  with  a  letter  at  Stevenage. 
He  expressed  his  hope,  that  Mr.  Bramble  had  bestowed  some 

la  193 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

consideration  on  his  unhappy  case,  and  repeated  his  desire 
of  being  taken  into  his  service. 

My  uncle,  calHng  me  into  the  room,  told  him,  that  we 
were  both  very  well  inclined  to  rescue  him  from  a  way  of 
life  that  was  equally  dangerous  and  dishonourable ;  and  that 
he  should  have  no  scruple  in  trusting  to  his  gratitude  and 
fidelity,  if  he  had  any  employment  for  him,  which  he  thought 
would  suit  his  qualifications  and  his  circumstances ;  but  that 
all  the  departments  he  had  mentioned  in  his  letter  were  filled 
up  by  persons  of  whose  conduct  he  had  no  reason  to  com- 
plain ;  of  consequence  he  could  not,  without  injustice,  de- 
prive any  one  of  them  of  his  bread.  Nevertheless,  he  de- 
clared himself  ready  to  assist  him  in  any  feasible  project, 
either  with  his  purse  or  credit. 

Martin  seemed  deeply  touched  at  this  declaration.  The 
tear  started  in  his  eye,  while  he  said,  in  a  faltering  accent, 
**  Worthy  sir — your  generosity  oppresses  me — I  never 
dreamed  of  troubling  you  for  any  pecuniary  assistance — 
indeed  I  have  no  occasion — I  have  been  so  lucky  at  billiards 
and  betting  at  different  places,  at  Buxton,  Harrowgate,  Scar- 
borough, and  Newcastle  races,  that  my  stock  in  ready  money 
amounts  to  three  hundred  pounds,  which  I  would  willingly 
employ  in  prosecuting  some  honest  scheme  of  life ;  but  my 
friend  Justice  Buzzard  has  set  so  many  springes  for  my  life, 
that  I  am  under  the  necessity  of  either  retiring  immediately 
to  a  remote  part  of  the  country,  where  I  can  enjoy  the  pro- 
tection of  some  generous  patron,  or  of  quitting  the  kingdom 
altogether.  It  is  upon  this  alternative  that  I  now  beg  leave 
to  ask  your  advice.  I  have  had  information  of  all  your  route 
since  I  had  the  honour  to  see  you  at  Stevenage ;  and,  sup- 
posing you  would  come  this  way  from  Scarborough,  I  came 
hither  last  night  from  Darlington  to  pay  you  my  respects." 

"  It  would  be  no  difficult  matter  to  provide  you  with  an 
asylum  in  the  country,"  replied  my  uncle ;  "  but  a  life  of 
indolence  and  obscurity  would  not  suit  with  your  active  and 
enterprising  disposition — I  would  therefore  advise  you  to  try 
your  fortune  in  the  East  Indies.  I  will  give  you  a  letter  to 
a  friend  in  London,  who  will  recommend  you  to  the  direc- 
tion, for  a  commission  in  the  Company's  service ;  and  if  that 
cannot  be  obtained,  j'^ou  will  at  least  be  received  as  a  volun- 

194 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

teer — in  which  case  you  may  pay  for  your  passage,  and  I 
shall  undertake  to  procure  you  such  credentials,  that  you 
will  not  be  long  without  a  commission." 

Martin  embraced  the  proposal  with  great  eagerness; 
it  was  therefore  resolved  that  he  should  sell  his  horse,  and 
take  a  passage  by  sea  for  London,  to  execute  the  project 
without  delay.  In  the  meantime,  he  accompanied  us  to  Dur- 
ham, where  we  took  up  our  quarters  for  the  night.  Here, 
being  furnished  with  letters  from  my  uncle,  he  took  his  leave 
of  us,  with  strong  symptoms  of  gratitude  and  attachment, 
and  set  out  for  Sunderland,  in  order  to  embark  in  the  first 
collier  bound  for  the  river  Thames. 

He  had  not  been  gone  half  an  hour,  when  we  were  joined 
by  another  character,  which  promised  something  extraordi- 
nary. A  tall  meagre  figure,  answering,  with  his  horse,  the 
description  of  Don  Quixote  mounted  on  Rozinante,  appeared 
in  the  twilight  at  the  inn  door,  while  my  aunt  and  Liddy 
stood  at  the  window  in  the  dining-room.  He  wore  a  coat, 
the  cloth  of  which  had  once  been  scarlet,  trimmed  with  Bran- 
denburgs,  now  totally  deprived  of  their  metal,  and  he  had 
holster-caps  and  housing  of  the  same  stufi'  and  same  an- 
tiquity. Perceiving  ladies  at  the  window  above,  he  endeav- 
oured to  dismount  with  the  most  graceful  air  he  could 
assume ;  but  the  ostler  neglecting  to  hold  the  stirrup,  when 
he  wheeled  off  his  right  foot,  and  stood  with  his  whole  weight 
on  the  other,  the  girth  unfortunately  gave  way,  the  saddle 
turned,  down  came  the  cavalier  to  the  ground,  and  his  hat 
and  periwig  falling  oflf,  displayed  a  headpiece  of  various  col- 
ours, patched  and  plastered  in  a  woful  condition.  The  ladies, 
at  the  window  above,  shrieked  with  affright,  on  the  supposi- 
tion that  the  stranger  had  received  some  notable  damage  in 
his  fall ;  but  the  greatest  injury  he  had  sustained,  arose  from 
the  dishonour  of  his  descent,  aggravated  by  the  disgrace  of 
exposing  the  condition  of  his  cranium ;  for  certain  plebeians 
that  were  about  the  door,  laughed  aloud,  in  the  belief  that 
the  captain  had  got  either  a  scald  head,  or  a  broken  head, 
both  equally  opprobrious. 

He  forthwith  leaped  up  in  a  fury,  and  snatching  one  of 
his  pistols,  threatened  to  put  the  ostler  to  death,  when  an- 
other squall  from  the  women  checked  his  resentment.     He 

195 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

then  bowed  to  the  window,  while  he  kissed  the  butt-end  of 
his  pistol,  which  he  replaced,  adjusted  his  wig  in  great  con- 
fusion, and  led  his  horse  into  the  stable.  By  this  time  I  had 
come  to  the  door,  and  could  not  help  gazing  at  the  strange 
figure  that  presented  itself  to  my  view.  He  would  have 
measured  above  six  feet  in  height,  had  he  stood  upright ;  but 
he  stooped  very  much,  was  very  narrow  in  the  shoulders,  and 
very  thick  in  the  calves  of  the  legs,  which  were  cased  in  black 
spatterdashes.  As  for  his  thighs,  they  were  long  and  slender, 
like  those  of  a  grasshopper ;  his  face  was  at  least  half  a  yard 
in  length,  brown  and  shrivelled,  with  projecting  cheek-bones, 
little  grey  eyes  on  the  greenish  hue,  a  large  hook  nose,  a 
pointed  chin,  a  mouth  from  ear  to  ear,  very  ill  furnished  with 
teeth,  and  a  high  narrow  forehead,  well  furrowed  with 
wrinkles.  His  horse  was  exactly  in  the  style  of  its  rider;  a 
resurrection  of  dry  bones,  which  (as  we  afterwards  learned) 
he  valued  exceedingly,  as  the  only  present  he  had  ever  re- 
ceived in  his  life. 

Having  seen  this  favourite  steed  properly  accommodated 
in  the  stable,  he  sent  up  his  compliments  to  the  ladies,  beg- 
ging permission  to  thank  them  in  person  for  the  marks  of 
concern  they  had  shown  at  his  disaster  in  the  court-yard. 
As  the  squire  said  they  could  not  decently  decline  his  visit, 
he  was  shown  upstairs,  and  paid  his  respects  in  the  Scotch 
dialogue  [-lect]  with  much  formality.  "  Ladies,"  said  he, 
"  perhaps  you  may  be  scandaleesed  at  the  appearance  my 
head  made  when  it  was  uncovered  by  accident ;  but  I  can 
assure  you,  the  condition  you  saw  it  in,  is  neither  the  effects 
of  disease,  nor  of  drunkenness ;  but  an  honest  scar  received 
in  the  service  of  my  country."  He  then  gave  us  to  under- 
stand, that,  having  been  wounded  at  Ticonderoga  in  Amer- 
ica, a  party  of  Indians  rifled  him,  scalped  him,  broke  his  skull 
with  the  blow  of  a  tomahawk,  and  then  left  him  for  dead  on 
the  field  of  battle;  but  that,  being  afterwards  found  with 
signs  of  life,  he  had  been  cured  in  the  French  hospital, 
though  the  loss  of  substance  could  not  be  repaired ;  so  that 
the  skull  was  left  naked  in  several  places,  and  these  he  cov- 
ered with  patches. 

There  is  no  hold  by  which  an  Englishman  is  sooner  taken 
than  that  of  compassion.     We  were  immediately  interested 

196 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

in  behalf  of  this  veteran.  Even  Tabby's  heart  was  melted ; 
but  our  pity  was  warmed  with  indignation,  when  we  learned, 
that,  in  the  course  of  two  sanguinary  wars,  he  had  been 
wounded,  maimed,  mutilated,  taken,  and  enslaved,  without 
having  ever  attained  a  higher  rank  than  that  of  lieutenant. 
My  uncle's  eyes  gleamed,  and  his  nether  lip  quivered,  while 
he  exclaimed,  "  I  vow  to  God,  sir,  your  case  is  a  reproach  to 
the  service ;  the  injustice  you  have  met  with  is  so  flagrant." — 
"  I  must  crave  your  pardon,  sir,"  cried  the  other,  interrupt- 
ing him,  "  I  complain  of  no  injustice.  I  purchased  an  en- 
signcy  thirty  years  ago ;  and,  in  the  course  of  service,  rose 
to  be  a  lieutenant,  according  to  my  seniority  " —  "  But  in 
such  a  length  of  time,"  resumed  the  squire,  "  you  must  have 
seen  a  great  many  young  officers  put  over  your  head." — 
"  Nevertheless,"  said  he,  "  I  have  no  cause  to  murmur.  They 
bought  their  preferment  with  their  money.  I  had  no  money 
to  carry  to  market — that  was  my  misfortune ;  but  nobody 
was  to  blame  " —  "  What !  no  friend  to  advance  a  sum  of 
money  ?  "  said  Mr.  Bramble. — "  Perhaps  I  might  have  bor- 
rowed money  for  the  purchase  of  a  company,"  answered  the 
other ;  "  but  that  loan  must  have  been  refunded ;  and  I  did 
not  choose  to  encumber  myself  with  a  debt  of  a  thousand 
pounds,  to  be  paid  from  an  income  of  ten  shillings  a  day," — 
"  So  you  have  spent  the  best  part  of  your  life,"  cried  Mr, 
Bramble,  "  your  youth,  your  blood,  and  your  constitution, 
amidst  the  dangers,  the  difficulties,  the  horrors,  and  hard- 
ships of  war,  for  the  consideration  of  three  or  four  shillings 
a  day — a  consideration  " —  "  Sir,"  replied  the  Scot,  with 
great  warmth,  "  you  are  the  man  that  does  me  injustice,  if 
you  say  or  think  I  have  been  actuated  by  any  such  paltry 
consideration.  I  am  a  gentleman ;  and  entered  the  service 
as  other  gentlemen  do,  with  such  hopes  and  sentiments  as 
honourable  ambition  inspires.  If  I  have  not  been  lucky  in  the 
lottery  of  life,  so  neither  do  I  think  myself  unfortunate.  I 
owe  no  man  a  farthing ;  I  can  always  command  a  clean  shirt, 
a  mutton  chop,  and  a  truss  of  straw ;  and,  when  I  die,  I  shall 
leave  effects  sufficient  to  defray  the  expense  of  my  burial." 

My  uncle  assured  him,  he  had  no  intention  to  give  him  the 
least  offence,  by  the  observations  he  had  made ;  but,  on  the 
contrary,  spoke  from  a  sentiment  of  friendly  regard  to  his 

197 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

interest.  The  lieutenant  thanked  him  with  a  stiffness  of 
civility,  which  nettled  our  old  gentleman,  who  perceived  that 
his  moderation  was  all  affected,  for  whatsoever  his  tongue 
might  declare,  his  whole  appearance  denoted  dissatisfaction. 
In  short,  without  pretending  to  judge  of  his  military  merit, 
I  think  I  may  affirm,  that  this  Caledonian  is  a  self-conceited 
pedant,  awkward,  rude,  and  disputatious.  He  has  had  the 
benefit  of  a  school  education,  seems  to  have  read  a  good 
number  of  books,  his  memory  is  tenacious,  and  he  pretends 
to  speak  several  different  languages ;  but  he  is  so  addicted  to 
wrangling,  that  he  will  cavil  at  the  clearest  truths,  and,  in 
the  pride  of  argumentation,  attempt  to  reconcile  contradic- 
tions. Whether  his  address  and  qualifications  are  really  of 
that  stamp  which  is  agreeable  to  the  taste  of  our  aunt  Mrs. 
Tabitha,  or  that  indefatigable  maiden  is  determined  to  shoot 
at  every  sort  of  game,  certain  it  is,  she  has  begun  to  prac- 
tise upon  the  heart  of  the  lieutenant,  who  favoured  us  with 
his  company  to  supper. 

I  have  many  other  things  to  say  of  this  man  of  war,  which 
I  shall  communicate  in  a  post  or  two.  Meanwhile,  it  is  but 
reasonable  that  you  should  be  indulged  with  some  respite 
from  those  weary  lucubrations  of,  Yours, 

Newcastle-upon-Tyne,  July  lo.  J.  Melford. 

To  Sir  Watkin  Phillips,  Bart,  of  Jesus  College,  Oxon. 

Dear  Phillips, — In  my  last,  I  treated  you  with  a  high- 
flavoured  dish,  in  the  character  of  the  Scotch  lieutenant,  and 
I  must  present  him  once  more  for  your  entertainment.  It  was 
our  fortune  to  feed  upon  him  the  best  part  of  three  days ;  and 
I  do  not  doubt  that  he  will  start  again  in  our  way  before  we 
shall  have  finished  our  northern  excursion.  The  day  after 
our  meeting  with  him  at  Durham  proved  so  tempestuous,  that 
we  did  not  choose  to  proceed  on  our  journey;  and  my  uncle 
persuaded  him  to  stay  till  the  weather  should  clear  up,  giving 
him,  at  the  same  time,  a  general  invitation  to  our  mess.  The 
man  has  certainly  gathered  a  whole  budget  of  shrewd  obser- 
vations, but  he  brings  them  forth  in  such  an  ungracious  man- 
ner as  would  be  extremely  disgusting,  if  it  was  not  marked 
by  that  characteristic  oddity  which  never  fails  to  attract  the 

19S 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

attention.  He  and  Mr.  Bramble  discoursed,  and  even  dis- 
puted, on  different  subjects  in  war,  policy,  the  belles-lettres, 
law,  and  metaphysics;  and  sometimes  they  were  warmed  into 
such  altercation  as  seemed  to  threaten  an  abrupt  dissolution 
of  their  society;  but  Mr.  Bramble  set  a  guard  over  his  own 
irascibility,  the  more  vigilantly  as  the  officer  was  his  guest; 
and  when,  in  spite  of  all  his  efforts,  he  began  to  wax  warm, 
the  other  prudently  cooled  in  the  same  proportion. 

Mrs.  Tabitha  chancing  to  accost  her  brother  by  the  familiar 
diminutive  of  Matt,  "  Pray,  sir,"  said  the  lieutenant,  "  is  your 
name  Matthias  ?  "  You  must  know,  it  is  one  of  our  uncle's 
foibles  to  be  ashamed  of  his  name  Matthew,  because  it  is  puri- 
tanical ;  and  this  question  chagrined  him  so  much,  that  he 
answered,  "  No,  by  G — d ! "  in  a  very  abrupt  tone  of  dis- 
pleasure. The  Scot  took  up  umbrage  at  the  manner  of  his 
reply,  and  bristling  up,  "  If  I  had  known,"  said  he,  "  that  you 
did  not  care  to  tell  your  name,  I  should  not  have  asked  the 
question.  The  leddy  called  you  Matt,  and  I  naturally  thought 
it  was  Matthias; — perhaps  it  may  be  Methuselah,  or  Metro- 
dorus,  or  Metellus,  or  Mathurinus,  or  Malthinnus,  or  Mata- 
morus,  or  " — "  No,"  cried  my  uncle,  laughing,  "  it  is  neither 
of  those,  captain.  My  name  is  Matthew  Bramble,  at  your 
service.  The  truth  is,  I  have  a  foolish  pique  at  the  name  of 
Matthew,  because  it  savours  of  those  canting  hypocrites,  who, 
in  Cromwell's  time,  christened  all  their  children  by  names 
taken  from  the  Scripture." — "  A  foolish  pique,  indeed,"  cried 
Mrs.  Tabby,  "  and  even  sinful,  to  fall  out  with  your  name  be- 
cause it  is  taken  from  holy  writ.  I  would  have  you  to  know, 
you  was  called  after  great  uncle  Matthew  ap  Madoc  ap  Mere- 
dith, Esquire,  of  Llanwysthin,  in  Montgomeryshire,  justice 
of  the  quorum,  and  crusty  ruttleorum,  a  gentleman  of  great 
worth  and  property,  descended  in  a  straight  line,  by  the  fe- 
male side,  from  Llewellyn,  Prince  of  Wales." 

This  genealogical  anecdote  seemed  to  make  some  impres- 
sion upon  the  North  Briton,  who  bowed  very  low  to  the  de- 
scendants of  Llewellyn,  and  observed  that  he  himself  had  the 
honour  of  a  scriptural  nomination.  The  lady  expressing  a 
desire  of  knowing  his  address,  he  said,  he  designed  himself 
Lieutenant  Obadiah  Lismahago; — and,  in  order  to  assist  her 
memory,  he  presented  her  with  a  slip  of  paper  inscribed  with 

199 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

these  three  words,  which  she  repeated  with  great  emphasis, 
declaring  it  was  one  of  the  most  noble  and  sonorous  names 
she  had  ever  heard.  He  observed,  that  Obadiah  was  an  ad- 
ventitious appellation,  derived  from  his  great-grandfather, 
who  had  been  one  of  the  original  covenanters ;  but  Lismahago 
was  the  family  surname,  taken  from  a  place  in  Scotland  so 
called.  He  likewise  dropped  some  hints  about  the  antiquity 
of  his  pedigree,  adding,  with  a  smile  of  self-denial,  Sed  genus 
et  proavos,  et  quce  non  fecimns  ipsi,  vix  ea  nostra  voco,  which 
quotation  he  explained  in  deference  to  the  ladies;  and  Mrs. 
Tabitha  did  not  fail  to  compliment  him  on  his  modesty  in 
waiving  the  merit  of  his  ancestry,  adding,  that  it  was  the  less 
necessary  to  him,  as  he  had  such  a  considerable  fund  of  his 
own.  She  now  began  to  glue  herself  to  his  favour  with  the 
grossest  adulation.  She  expatiated  upon  the  antiquity  and 
virtues  of  the  Scottish  nation,  upon  their  valour,  probity, 
learning,  and  politeness.  She  even  descended  to  encomiums 
on  his  own  personal  address,  his  gallantry,  good  sense,  and 
erudition.  She  appealed  to  her  brother,  whether  the  captain 
was  not  the  very  image  of  our  cousin  Governor  Griffith.  She 
discovered  a  surprising  eagerness  to  know  the  particulars  of 
his  life,  and  asked  a  thousand  questions  concerning  his 
achievements  in  war;  all  which  Mr.  Lismahago  answered 
with  a  sort  of  Jesuitical  reserve,  affecting  a  reluctance  to  sat- 
isfy her  curiosity  on  a  subject  that  concerned  his  own  ex- 
ploits. 

By  dint  of  her  interrogations,  however,  we  learned,  that 
he  and  Ensign  Murphy  had  made  their  escape  from  the* 
French  hospital  at  Montreal,  and  taken  to  the  woods,  in  hope 
of  reaching  some  English  settlement;  but,  mistaking  their 
route,  they  fell  in  with  a  party  of  Miamis,  who  carried  them 
away  in  captivity.  The  intention  of  these  Indians  was  to 
give  one  of  them  as  an  adopted  son  to  a  venerable  sachem, 
who  had  lost  his  own  in  the  course  of  the  war,  and  to  sacrifice 
the  other  according  to  the  custom  of  the  country.  Murphy, 
as  being  the  younger  and  handsomer  of  the  two,  was  designed 
to  iill  the  place  of  the  deceased,  not  only  as  the  son  of  the 
sachem,  but  as  the  spouse  of  a  beautiful  squaw,  to  whom  his 
predecessor  had  been  betrothed;  but,  in  passing  through  the 
different  wigwams,  or  villages  of  the  Miamis,  poor  Murphy 

200 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

was  so  mangled  by  the  women  and  children,  who  have  the 
privilege  of  torturing  all  prisoners  in  their  passage,  that,  by 
the  time  they  arrived  at  the  place  of  the  sachem's  residence,  he 
was  rendered  altogether  unfit  for  the  purposes  of  marriage. 
It  was  determined,  therefore,  in  the  assembly  of  the  warriors, 
that  Ensign  Murphy  should  be  brought  to  the  stake,  and  that 
the  lady  should  be  given  to  Lieutenant  Lismahago,  who  had 
likewise  received  his  share  of  torments,  though  they  had  not 
produced  emasculation.  A  joint  of  one  finger  had  been  cut, 
or  rather  sawed  oflF  with  a  rusty  knife ;  one  of  his  great  toes 
was  crushed  into  a  mash  betwixt  two  stones ;  some  of  his 
teeth  were  drawn  or  dug  out  with  a  crooked  nail;  splintered 
reeds  had  been  thrust  up  his  nostrils  and  other  tender  parts ; 
and  the  calves  of  his  legs  had  been  blown  up  with  mines  of 
gunpowder  dug  in  the  flesh  with  the  sharp  point  of  the  toma- 
hawk. 

The  Indians  themselves  allowed  that  Murphy  died  with 
great  heroism,  singing,  as  his  death  song,  the  Drimmendoo, 
in  concert  with  Mr.  Lismahago,  who  was  present  at  the  solem- 
nity. After  the  warriors  and  the  matrons  had  made  a  hearty 
meal  upon  the  muscular  flesh,  which  they  pared  from  the  vic- 
tim, and  had  applied  a  great  variety  of  tortures,  which  he 
bore  without  flinching,  an  old  lady,  with  a  sharp  knife, 
scooped  out  one  of  his  eyes,  and  put  a  burning  coal  in  the 
socket.  The  pain  of  this  operation  was  so  exquisite,  that  he 
could  not  help  bellowing,  upon  which  the  audience  raised  a 
shout  of  exultation,  and  one  of  the  warriors  stealing  behind 
him,  gave  him  the  coup  de  grace  with  a  hatchet. 

Lismahago's  bride,  the  squaw  Squinkinacoosta,  distin- 
guished herself  on  this  occasion.  She  showed  a  great  supe- 
riority of  genius  in  the  tortures  which  she  contrived  and  exe- 
cuted with  her  own  hands.  She  vied  with  the  stoutest  warrior 
in  eating  the  flesh  of  the  sacrifice;  and  after  all  the  other 
females  were  fuddled  with  dram-drinking,  she  was  not  so  in- 
toxicated but  that  she  was  able  to  play  the  game  of  the  platter 
with  the  conjuring  sachem,  and  afterwards  go  through  the 
ceremony  of  her  own  wedding,  which  was  consummated  that 
same  evening.  The  captain  had  lived  very  happily  with  this 
accomplished  squaw  for  two  years,  during  which  she  bore  him 
a  son,  who  is  now  the  representative  of  his  mother's  tribe; 

201 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

but,  at  length,  to  his  unspeakable  grief,  she  had  died  of  a 
fever,  occasioned  by  eating  too  much  raw  bear,  which  they 
had  killed  in  a  hunting  excursion. 

By  this  time,  Mr.  Lismahago  was  elected  sachem,  acknowl- 
edged first  warrior  of  the  Badger  tribe,  and  dignified  with 
the  name  or  epithet  of  Occacanastaogarora,  which  signifies 
nimble  as  a  weasel;  but  all  these  advantages  and  honours  he 
was  obliged  to  resign,  in  consequence  of  being  exchanged  for 
the  orator  of  the  community,  who  had  been  taken  prisoner  by 
the  Indians  that  were  in  alliance  with  the  English.  At  the 
peace,  he  had  sold  out  upon  half-pay,  and  was  returned  to 
Britain,  with  a  view  to  pass  the  rest  of  his  life  in  his  own 
country,  where  he  hoped  to  find  some  retreat,  where  his  slen- 
der finances  would  afford  him  a  decent  subsistence.  Such  are 
the  outlines  of  Mr.  Lismahago's  history,  to  which  Tabitha 
did  seriously  incline  her  ear;  indeed,  she  seemed  to  be  taken 
with  the  same  charms  that  captivated  the  heart  of  Desdemona, 
who  loved  the  Moor  for  the  dangers  he  had  passed. 

The  description  of  poor  Murphy's  suflferings,  which  threw 
my  sister  Liddy  into  a  swoon,  extracted  some  sighs  from  the 
breast  of  Mrs.  Tabby ;  when  she  understood  he  had  been  ren- 
dered unfit  for  marriage,  she  began  to  spit,  and  ejaculated, 
"  Jesus,  what  cruel  barbarians !  "  and  she  made  wry  faces  at 
the  lady's  nuptial  repast ;  but  she  was  eagerly  curious  to  know 
the  particulars  of  her  marriage  dress ;  whether  she  wore  high- 
breasted  stays  or  bodice,  a  robe  of  silk  or  velvet,  and  laces  of 
Mechlin  or  minionete — she  supposed,  as  they  were  connected 
with  the  French,  she  used  rouge,  and  had  her  hair  dressed  in 
the  Parisian  fashion.  The  captain  would  have  declined  giving 
a  categorical  explanation  of  all  these  particulars,  observing, 
in  general,  that  the  Indians  were  too  tenacious  of  their  own 
customs  to  adopt  the  modes  of  any  nation  whatsoever.  He 
said,  moreover,  that  neither  the  simplicity  of  their  manners, 
nor  the  commerce  of  their  country,  would  admit  of  those  ar- 
ticles of  luxury  which  are  deemed  magnificent  in  Europe ;  and 
that  they  were  too  virtuous  and  sensible  to  encourage  the  in- 
troduction of  any  fashion  which  might  help  to  render  them 
corrupt  and  eflfeminate. 

These  observations  served  only  to  inflame  her  desire  of 
knowing  the  particulars  about  which  she  had  inquired;  and, 

202 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

with  all  his  evasion,  he  could  not  help  discovering  the  follow- 
ing circumstances : — That  his  princess  had  neither  shoes, 
stockings,  shift,  nor  any  kind  of  linen;  that  her  bridal  dress 
consisted  of  a  petticoat  of  red  baize,  and  a  fringed  blanket, 
fastened  about  her  shoulders  with  a  copper  skewer;  but  of 
ornaments  she  had  great  plenty.  Her  hair  was  curiously 
plaited,  and  interwoven  with  bobbins  of  human  bone — one 
eyelid  was  painted  green  and  the  other  yellow;  the  cheeks 
were  blue,  the  lips  white,  the  teeth  red,  and  there  was  a  black 
list  drawn  down  the  middle  of  the  forehead  as  far  as  the  tip 
of  the  nose;  a  couple  of  gaudy  parrot's  feathers  were  stuck 
through  the  division  of  the  nostrils ;  there  was  a  blue  stone  set 
in  the  chin;  her  ear-rings  consisted  of  two  pieces  of  hickory, 
of  the  size  and  shape  of  drumsticks ;  her  arms  and  legs  were 
adorned  with  bracelets  of  wampum;  her  breast  glittered  with 
numerous  strings  of  glass  beads;  she  wore  a  curious  pouch, 
or  pocket,  of  woven  grass,  elegantly  painted  with  various  col- 
ours ;  about  her  neck  was  hung  the  fresh  scalp  of  a  Mohawk 
warrior,  whom  her  deceased  lover  had  lately  slain  in  battle; 
and,  finally,  she  was  anointed  from  head  to  foot  with  bear's 
grease,  which  sent  forth  a  most  agreeable  odour. 

One  would  imagine  that  these  paraphernalia  would  not 
have  been  much  admired  by  a  modem  fine  lady;  but  Mrs. 
Tabitha  was  resolved  to  approve  of  all  the  captain's  connex- 
ions. She  wished,  indeed,  the  squaw  had  been  better  pro- 
vided with  linen;  but  she  owned  there  was  much  taste  and 
fancy  in  her  ornaments;  she  made  no  doubt,  therefore,  that 
Madam  Squinkinacoosta  was  a  young  lady  of  good  sense  and 
rare  accomplishments,  and  a  good  Christian  at  bottom.  Then 
she  asked  whether  his  consort  had  been  High  Church  or  Low 
Church,  Presbyterian,  or  Anabaptist,  or  had  been  favoured 
with  any  glimmering  of  the  new  light  of  the  gospel?  When 
he  confessed  that  she  and  her  whole  nation  were  utter  stran- 
gers to  the  Christian  faith,  she  gazed  at  him  with  signs  of 
astonishment;  and  Humphry  Clinker,  who  chanced  to  be  in 
the  room,  uttered  a  hollow  groan. 

After  some  pause,  "  In  the  name  of  God,  Captain  Lisma- 
hago,"  cried  she,  "  what  religion  do  they  profess  ?  " — "  As  to 
religion,  madam,"  answered  the  lieutenant,  "  it  is  among  those 
Indians  a  matter  of  great  simplicity — they  never  heard  of  any 

203 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

alliance  between  Church  and  State.  They,  in  general,  wor- 
ship two  contending  principles;  one  the  fountain  of  all  good, 
the  other  the  source  of  evil.  The  common  people  there,  as  in 
other  countries,  run  into  the  absurdities  of  superstition;  but 
sensible  men  pay  adoration  to  a  supreme  Being,  who  created 
and  sustains  the  universe." — "  O !  what  pity,"  exclaimed  the 
pious  Tabby,  "  that  some  holy  man  has  not  been  inspired  to 
go  and  convert  these  poor  heathens !  " 

The  lieutenant  told  her,  that,  while  he  resided  among  them, 
two  French  missionaries  arrived,  in  order  to  convert  them  to 
the  Catholic  religion;  but  when  they  talked  of  mysteries  and 
revelations,  which  they  could  neither  explain  nor  authenticate, 
and  called  in  the  evidence  of  miracles  which  they  believed 
upon  hearsay ;  when  they  taught,  that  the  Supreme  Creator 
of  heaven  and  earth  had  allowed  his  only  Son,  his  own  equal 
in  power  and  glory,  to  enter  the  bowels  of  a  woman,  to  be 
bom  as  a  human  creature,  to  be  insulted,  flagellated,  and 
even  executed  as  a  malefactor ;  when  they  pretended  to  create 
God  himself,  to  swallow,  digest,  revive,  and  multiply  him 
ad  infinitum,  by  the  help  of  a  little  flour  and  water,  the  In- 
dians were  shocked  at  the  impiety  of  their  presumption.  They 
were  examined  by  the  assembly  of  the  sachems,  who  desired 
them  to  prove  the  divinity  of  their  mission  by  some  miracle. 
They  answered,  that  it  was  not  in  their  power.  "  If  you  were 
really  sent  by  heaven  for  our  conversion,"  said  one  of  the 
sachems,  "  you  would  certainly  have  some  supernatural  en- 
dowments, at  least  you  would  have  the  gift  of  tongues,  in 
order  to  explain  your  doctrine  to  the  different  nations  among 
which  you  are  employed ;  but  you  are  so  ignorant  of  our  lan- 
guage, that  you  cannot  express  yourselves  even  on  the  most 
trifling  subjects." 

In  a  word,  the  assembly  were  convinced  of  their  being 
cheats,  and  even  suspected  them  of  being  spies.  They  ordered 
them  a  bag  of  Indian  com  apiece,  and  appointed  a  guide  to 
conduct  them  to  the  frontiers;  but  the  missionaries  having 
more  zeal  than  discretion,  refused  to  quit  the  vineyard.  They 
persisted  in  saying  mass,  in  preaching,  baptizing,  and  squab- 
bling with  the  conjurers,  or  priests  of  the  country,  till  they 
had  thrown  the  whole  community  into  confusion.  Then  the 
assembly  proceeded  to  try  them  as  impious  impostors,  who 

204 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

represented  the  Almighty  as  a  trifling,  weak,  capricious  being, 
and  pretended  to  make,  unmake,  and  reproduce  him  at  pleas- 
ure. They  were,  therefore,  convicted  of  blasphemy  and  sedi- 
tion, and  condemned  to  the  stake,  where  they  died  singing 
Salve  regina,  in  a  rapture  of  joy,  for  the  crown  of  martyrdom, 
which  they  had  thus  obtained. 

In  the  course  of  this  conversation.  Lieutenant  Lismahago 
dropt  some  hints,  by  which  it  appeared  he  himself  was  a  free- 
thinker. Our  aunt  seemed  to  be  startled  at  certain  sarcasms 
he  threw  out  against  the  creed  of  Saint  Athanasius.  He 
dwelt  much  upon  the  words,  reason,  philosophy,  and  contra- 
diction in  terms — he  bid  defiance  to  the  eternity  of  hell  fire; 
and  even  threw  such  squibs  at  the  immortality  of  the  soul,  as 
singed  a  little  the  whiskers  of  Mrs.  Tabitha's  faith ;  for,  by 
this  time,  she  began  to  look  upon  Lismahago  as  a  prodigy  of 
learning  and  sagacity — in  short,  he  could  be  no  longer  in- 
sensible to  the  advances  she  made  towards  his  affection ;  and, 
although  there  was  something  repulsive  in  his  nature,  he 
overcame  it  so  far  as  to  make  some  return  to  her  civilities. 
Perhaps,  he  thought  it  would  be  no  bad  scheme,  in  a  superan- 
nuated lieutenant  on  half-pay,  to  effect  a  conjunction  with 
an  old  maid,  who,  in  all  probabiUty,  had  fortune  enough  to 
keep  him  easy  and  comfortable  in  the  fag-end  of  his  days.  An 
ogling  correspondence  forthwith  commenced  between  this 
amiable  pair  of  originals.  He  began  to  sweeten  the  natural 
acidity  of  his  discourse  with  the  treacle  of  compliment  and 
commendation.  He  from  time  to  time  offered  her  snuff,  of 
which  he  himself  took  great  quantities,  and  even  made  her  a 
present  of  a  purse  of  silk  grass,  woven  by  the  hands  of  the 
amiable  Squinkinacoosta,  who  had  used  it  as  a  shot-pouch  in 
her  hunting  expeditions. 

From  Doncaster  northwards,  all  the  windows  of  all  the  inns 
are  scrawled  with  doggrel  rhymes,  in  abuse  of  the  Scotch  na- 
tion ;  and  what  surprised  me  very  much,  I  did  not  perceive 
one  line  written  in  the  way  of  recrimination.  Curious  to  hear 
what  Lismahago  would  say  on  this  subject,  I  pointed  out  to 
him  a  very  scurrilous  epigram  against  his  countrymen,  which 
was  engraved  on  one  of  the  windows  of  the  parlour  where 
we  sat.  He  read  it  with  the  most  starched  composure;  and 
when  I  asked  his  opinion  of  the  poetry,  "  It  is  vara  terse  and 

205 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

vara  poignant,"  said  he ;  "  but  with  the  help  of  a  wat  dish- 
clout,  it  might  be  rendered  more  clear  and  parspicuous.  I 
marvel  much  that  some  modem  wit  has  not  published  a  col- 
lection of  these  essays  under  the  title  of  the  Glazier's  Triumph 
over  Sawney  the  Scot; — I'm  persuaded  it  would  be  a  vara 
agreeable  offering  to  the  patriots  of  London  and  Westmin- 
ster." When  I  expressed  some  surprise  that  the  natives  of 
Scotland,  who  travel  this  way,  had  not  broke  all  the  windows 
upon  the  road,  "  With  submission,"  replied  the  lieutenant, 
"  that  were  but  shallow  policy — it  would  only  serve  to  make 
the  satire  more  cutting  and  severe;  and,  I  think,  it  is  much 
better  to  let  it  stand  in  the  window,  than  have  it  presented  in 
the  reckoning." 

My  uncle's  jaws  began  to  quiver  with  indignation.  He 
said,  the  scribblers  of  such  infamous  stuff  deserved  to  be 
scourged  at  the  cart's  tail  for  disgracing  their  country  with 
such  monuments  of  malice  and  stupidity.  "  These  vermin," 
said  he,  "  do  not  consider  that  they  are  affording  their  fellow- 
subjects,  whom  they  abuse,  continual  matter  of  self-gratula- 
tion,  as  well  as  the  means  of  executing  the  most  manly  ven- 
geance that  can  be  taken  for  such  low,  illiberal  attacks.  For 
my  part,  I  admire  the  philosophic  forbearance  of  the  Scotch, 
as  much  as  I  despise  the  insolence  of  those  wretched  libellers, 
which  is  akin  to  the  arrogance  of  the  village  cock,  who  never 
crows  but  upon  his  own  dunghill."  The  captain,  with  an 
affectation  of  candour,  observed,  that  men  of  illiberal  minds 
were  produced  in  every  soil ;  that,  in  supposing  those  were 
the  sentiments  of  the  English  in  general,  he  should  pay  too 
great  a  compliment  to  his  own  country,  which  was  not  of 
consequence  enough  to  attract  the  envy  of  such  a  flourishing 
and  powerful  people. 

Mrs.  Tabby  broke  forth  again  in  praise  of  his  moderation, 
and  declared  that  Scotland  was  the  soil  which  produced  every 
virtue  under  heaven.  When  Lismahago  took  his  leave  for 
the  night,  she  asked  her  brother,  if  the  captain  was  not  the 
prettiest  gentleman  he  had  ever  seen ;  and  whether  there  was 
not  something  wonderfully  engaging  in  his  aspect?  Mr, 
Bramble  having  eyed  her  for  some  time  in  silence,  "  Sister," 
said  he,  "  the  lieutenant  is,  for  aught  I  know,  an  honest  man, 
and  a  good  officer ;  he  has  a  considerable  share  of  understand- 

206 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

ing,  and  a  title  to  more  encouragement  than  he  seems  to  have 
met  with  in  Hfe;  but  I  cannot,  v/ith  a  safe  conscience,  affirm, 
that  he  is  the  prettiest  gentleman  I  ever  saw;  neither  can  I 
discern  any  engaging  charm  in  his  countenance,  which,  I  vow 
to  God,  is,  on  the  contrary,  very  hard-favoured  and  forbid- 
ding." 

I  have  endeavoured  to  ingratiate  myself  with  this  North 
Briton,  who  is  really  a  curiosity;  but  he  has  been  very  shy  of 
my  conversation,  ever  since  I  laughed  at  his  asserting  that  the 
English  tongue  was  spoke  with  more  propriety  at  Edinburgh 
than  at  London.  Looking  at  me  with  a  double  squeeze  of 
souring  in  his  aspect,  "  H  the  old  definition  be  true,"  said  he, 
"  that  risibility  is  the  distinguishing  characteristic  of  a  ra- 
tional creature,  the  English  are  the  most  distinguished  for  ra- 
tionality of  any  people  I  ever  knew."  I  owned  that  the  Eng- 
lish were  easily  struck  with  anything  that  appeared  ludicrous, 
and  apt  to  laugh  accordingly ;  but  it  did  not  follow,  that,  be- 
cause they  were  more  given  to  laughter,  they  had  more  ration- 
ality than  their  neighbours.  I  said,  such  an  inference  would 
be  an  injury  to  the  Scotch,  who  were  by  no  means  defective  in 
rationality,  though  generally  supposed  little  subject  to  the 
impressions  of  humour. 

The  captain  answered,  that  this  supposition  must  have  been 
deduced  either  from  their  conversation  or  their  cc«npositions, 
of  which  the  English  could  not  possibly  judge  with  precision, 
as  they  did  not  understand  the  dialect  used  by  the  Scots  in 
common  discourse,  as  well  as  in  their  works  of  humour. 
When  I  desired  to  know  what  those  works  of  humour  were, 
he  mentioned  a  considerable  number  of  pieces,  which  he  in- 
sisted were  equal  in  point  of  humour  to  anything  extant  in 
any  language  dead  or  living.  He,  in  particular,  recom- 
mended a  collection  of  detached  poems,  in  two  small  volumes, 
entitled,  The  E^jcrgreen,  and  the  works  of  Allan  Ramsay, 
which  I  intend  to  provide  myself  with  at  Edinburgh.  He 
observed,  that  a  North  Briton  is  seen  to  a  disadvantage  in  an 
English  company,  because  he  speaks  in  a  dialect  that  they 
can't  relish,  and  in  a  phraseology  which  they  don't  under- 
stand. He  therefore  finds  himself  under  a  restraint,  which  is 
a  great  enemy  to  wit  and  humour.  These  are  faculties  which 
never  appear  in  full  lustre,  but  when  the  mind  is  perfectly  at 

207 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

ease,  and,  as  an  excellent  writer  says,  enjoys  her  elbow-room. 
He  proceeded  to  explain  this  assertion,  that  the  English 
language  was  spoken  with  greater  propriety  at  Edinburgh 
than  at  London.  He  said,  what  we  generally  called  the  Scot- 
tish dialect,  was,  in  fact,  true,  genuine,  old  English,  with  a 
mixture  of  some  French  terms  and  idioms,  adopted  in  a  long 
intercourse  betwixt  the  French  and  Scotch  nations;  that  the 
modern  English,  from  affectation  and  false  refinement,  had 
weakened,  and  even  corrupted  their  language,  by  throwing 
out  the  guttural  sounds,  altering  the  pronunciation  and  the 
quantity,  and  disusing  many  words  and  terms  of  great  signifi- 
cance. In  consequence  of  these  innovations,  the  works  of  our 
best  poets,  such  as  Chaucer,  Spenser,  and  even  Shakespeare, 
were  become,  in  many  parts,  unintelHgible  to  the  natives  of 
South  Britain ;  whereas  the  Scots,  who  retain  the  ancient  lan- 
guage, understand  them  without  the  help  of  a  glossary.  "  For 
instance,"  said  he,  "  how  have  your  commentators  been  puz- 
zled by  the  following  expression  in  the  Tempest — He's  gentle, 
and  not  fearful;  as  if  it  was  a  paralogism  to  say,  that,  being 
gentle,  he  must  of  course  be  courageous;  but  the  truth  is,  one 
of  the  original  meanings,  if  not  the  sole  meaning  of  that 
word  was,  noble,  high-minded ;  and  to  this  day,  a  Scots 
woman,  in  the  situation  of  the  young  lady  in  the  Tempest, 
would  express  herself  nearly  in  the  same  terms — Don't  pro- 
voke him;  for  being  gentle,  that  is  high-spirited,  he  won't 
tamely  bear  an  insult.  Spenser,  in  the  very  first  stanza  of  his 
Faery  Queene,  says — 

A  gentle  knight  was  pricking  on  the  plain; 

which  knight,  far  from  being  tame  and  fearful,  was  so  stout, 
that 

Nothing  did  he  dread,  but  ever  was  ydrad. 

To  prove  that  we  had  impaired  the  energy  of  our  language 
by  false  refinement,  he  mentioned  the  following  words,  which, 
though  widely  different  in  signification,  are  pronounced  ex- 
actly in  the  same  manner — wright,  write;  right,  rite;  but, 
among  the  Scotch,  these  words  are  as  different  in  pronuncia- 
tion as  they  are  in  meaning  and  orthography ;  and  this  is  the 
case  with  many  others  which  he  mentioned  by  way  of  illustra- 
tion.   He  moreover  took  notice,  that  we  had  (for  what  rea- 

208 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

son  he  could  never  learn)  altered  the  sound  of  our  vowels 
from  that  which  is  retained  by  all  the  nations  in  Europe ;  an 
alteration  which  rendered  the  language  extremely  difficult  to 
foreigners,  and  made  it  almost  impracticable  to  lay  down  gen- 
eral rules  for  orthography  and  pronunciation.  Besides,  the 
vowels  were  no  longer  simple  sounds  in  the  mouth  of  an  Eng- 
lishman, who  pronounced  both  i  and  u  as  diphthongs.  Finally 
he  affirmed,  that  we  mumbled  our  speech  with  our  lips  and 
teeth,  and  ran  the  words  together  without  pause  or  distinction, 
in  such  a  manner,  that  a  foreigner,  though  he  understood 
English  tolerably  well,  was  often  obliged  to  have  recourse  to 
a  Scotchman  to  explain  what  a  native  of  England  had  said  in 
his  own  language. 

The  truth  of  this  remark  was  confirmed  by  Mr.  Bramble 
from  his  own  experience;  but  he  accounted  for  it  on  another 
principle.  He  said,  the  same  observation  would  hold  in  all 
languages;  that  a  Swiss  talking  French  was  more  easily  un- 
derstood than  a  Parisian  by  a  foreigner  who  had  not  made 
himself  master  of  the  language;  because  every  language  had 
its  peculiar  recitative,  and  it  would  always  require  more  pains, 
attention,  and  practice,  to  acquire  both  the  words  and  the 
music,  than  to  learn  the  words  only;  and  yet  nobody  would 
deny,  that  the  one  was  imperfect  without  the  other;  he,  there- 
fore, apprehended  that  the  Scotchman  and  the  Swiss  were 
better  understood  by  learners,  because  they  spoke  the  words 
only,  without  the  music,  which  they  could  not  rehearse.  One 
would  imagine  this  check  might  have  damped  the  North  Brit- 
on; but  it  served  only  to  agitate  his  humour  for  disputation. 
He  said,  if  every  nation  had  its  own  recitative  or  music,  the 
Scotch  had  theirs,  and  the  Scotchman,  who  had  not  yet  ac- 
quired the  cadence  of  the  English,  would  naturally  use  his 
own  in  speaking  their  language;  therefore,  if  he  was  better 
understood  than  the  native,  his  recitative  must  be  more  in- 
telligible than  that  of  the  English ;  of  consequence  the  dialect 
of  the  Scotch  had  an  advantage  over  that  of  their  fellow-sub- 
jects, and  this  was  another  strong  presumption  that  the  mod- 
em English  had  corrupted  their  language  in  the  article  of 
pronunciation. 

The  lieutenant  was,  by  this  time,  become  so  polemical,  that 
every  time  he  opened  his  mouth,  out  flew  a  paradox,  which  he 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

maintained  with  all  the  enthusiasm  of  altercation ;  but  all  his 
paradoxes  savoured  strongly  of  a  partiality  for  his  own  coun- 
try. He  undertook  to  prove  that  poverty  was  a  blessing  to 
a  nation ;  that  oatmeal  was  preferable  to  wheat  Hour;  and  that 
the  worship  of  Cloacina,  in  temples  which  admitted  both 
sexes,  and  every  rank  of  votaries  promiscuously,  was  a  filthy 
species  of  idolatry  that  outraged  every  idea  of  delicacy  and 
decorum.  I  did  not  so  much  wonder  at  his  broaching  these 
doctrines,  as  at  the  arguments,  equally  whimsical  and  in- 
genious, which  he  adduced  in  support  of  them. 

In  fine,  Lieutenant  Lismahago  is  a  curiosity  which  I  have 
not  yet  sufficiently  perused;  and,  therefore,  I  shall  be  sorry 
when  we  lose  his  company,  though,  God  knows,  there  is  noth- 
ing very  amiable  in  his  manner  or  disposition.  As  he  goes 
directly  to  the  south-west  division  of  Scotland,  and  we  pro- 
ceed in  the  road  to  Berwick,  we  shall  part  to-morrow  at  a 
place  called  Feltonbridge;  and,  I  daresay,  this  separation  will 
be  very  grievous  to  our  aunt  Mrs.  Tabitha,  unless  she  has  re- 
ceived some  flattering  assurance  of  his  meeting  her  again.  If 
I  fail  in  my  purpose  of  entertaining  you  with  these  unimpor- 
tant occurrences,  they  will  at  least  serve  as  exercises  of  pa- 
tience, for  which  you  are  indebted  to      Yours  always, 

Morpeth,  July  13.  J.  Melford. 


To  Dr.  Lewis. 

Dear  Doctor, — I  have  now  reached  the  northern  extrem- 
ity of  England,  and  see,  close  to  my  chamber  window,  the 
Tweed  gliding  through  the  arches  of  that  bridge  which  con- 
nects this  suburb  to  the  town  of  Berwick.  Yorkshire  you 
have  seen,  and  therefore  I  shall  say  nothing  of  that  opulent 
province.  The  city  of  Durham  appears  like  a  confused  heap 
of  stones  and  brick,  accumulated  so  as  to  cover  a  mountain, 
round  which  a  river  winds  its  brawling  course.  The  streets 
are  generally  narrow,  dark,  and  unpleasant,  and  many  of 
them  almost  impassable  in  consequence  of  their  declivity.  The 
cathedral  is  a  huge  gloomy  pile ;  but  the  clergy  are  well 
lodged.  The  bishop  lives  in  a  princely  manner — the  golden 
prebends  keep  plentiful  tables — and  I  am  told  there  is  some 

210 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

good  sociable  company  in  the  place;  but  the  country,  when 
viewed  from  the  top  of  Gateshead  Fell,  which  extends  to 
Newcastle,  exhibits  the  highest  scene  of  cultivation  that  ever 
I  beheld.  As  for  Newcastle,  it  lies  mostly  in  a  bottom,  on  the 
banks  of  the  Tyne,  and  makes  an  appearance  still  more  dis- 
agreeable than  that  of  Durham;  but  it  is  rendered  populous 
and  rich  by  industry  and  commerce ;  and  the  country  lying  on 
both  sides  the  river,  above  the  town,  yields  a  delightful  pros- 
pect of  agriculture  and  plantation.  Morpeth  and  Alnwick  are 
neat  pretty  towns,  and  this  last  is  famous  for  the  castle  which 
has  belonged  so  many  ages  to  the  noble  house  of  Percy,  Earls 
of  Northumberland.  It  is,  doubtless,  a  large  edifice,  contain- 
ing a  great  number  of  apartments,  and  stands  in  a  command- 
ing situation ;  but  the  strength  of  it  seems  to  have  consisted 
not  so  much  in  its  site,  or  the  manner  in  which  it  is  fortified, 
as  in  the  valour  of  its  defendants. 

Our  adventures,  since  we  left  Scarborough,  are  scarce 
worth  reciting;  and  yet  I  must  make  you  acquainted  with  my 
sister  Tabby's  progress  in  husband-hunting.  After  her  dis- 
appointments at  Bath  and  London,  she  had  actually  begun  to 
practise  upon  a  certain  adventurer,  who  was  in  fact  a  high- 
wayman by  profession ;  but  he  had  been  used  to  snares  much 
more  dangerous  than  any  she  could  lay,  and  escaped  accord- 
ingly. Then  she  opened  her  batteries  upon  an  old,  weather- 
beaten  Scotch  lieutenant,  called  Lismahago,  who  joined  us  at 
Durham,  and  is,  I  think,  one  of  the  most  singular  personages 
I  ever  encountered.  His  manner  is  as  harsh  as  his  counte- 
nance ;  but  his  peculiar  turn  of  thinking,  and  his  pack  of 
knowledge,  made  up  of  the  remnants  of  rarities,  rendered  his 
conversation  desirable,  in  spite  of  his  pedantry  and  ungracious 
address.  I  have  often  met  with  a  crab-apple  in  a  hedge, 
which  I  have  been  tempted  to  eat  for  its  flavour,  even  while  I 
was  disgusted  by  its  austerity.  The  spirit  of  contradiction  is 
naturally  so  strong  in  Lismahago,  that  I  believe  in  my  con- 
science he  has  rummaged,  and  read,  and  studied  with  inde- 
fatigable attention,  in  order  to  qualify  himself  to  refute 
established  maxims,  and  thus  raise  trophies  for  the  gratifica- 
tion of  polemical  pride.  Such  is  the  asperity  of  his  self- 
conceit,  that  he  will  not  even  acquiesce  in  a  transient  compli- 

211 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

ment  made  to  his  own  individual  in  particular,  or  to  his 
country  in  general. 

When  I  observed  that  he  must  have  read  a  vast  number 
of  books  to  be  able  to  discourse  on  such  a  variety  of  subjects, 
he  declared  he  had  read  little  or  nothing,  and  asked  how  he 
should  find  books  among  the  woods  of  America,  where  he  had 
spent  the  greatest  part  of  his  life.  My  nephew  remarking, 
that  the  Scotch  in  general  were  famous  for  their  learning,  he 
denied  the  imputation,  and  defied  him  to  prove  it  from  their 
works.  "  The  Scotch,"  said  he,  ''  have  a  slight  tincture  of 
letters,  with  which  they  make  a  parade  among  people  who 
are  more  illiterate  than  themselves;  but  they  may  be  said  to 
float  on  the  surface  of  science,  and  they  have  made  very  small 
advances  in  the  useful  arts." — "  At  least,"  cried  Tabby,  "  all 
the  world  allows  that  the  Scotch  behaved  gloriously  in  fight- 
ing and  conquering  the  savages  of  America." — "  I  can  assure 
you,  madam,  you  have  been  misinformed,"  replied  the  lieuten- 
ant ;  "  in  that  continent  the  Scotch  did  nothing  more  than 
their  duty,  nor  was  there  one  corps  in  his  Majesty's  service 
that  distinguished  itself  more  than  another.  Those  who  af- 
fected to  extol  the  Scotch  for  superior  merit,  were  no  friends 
to  that  nation." 

Though  he  himself  made  free  with  his  countrymen,  he 
would  not  suflfer  any  other  person  to  glance  a  sarcasm  at 
them  with  impunity.  One  of  the  company  chancing  to  men- 
tion Lord  B — 's  inglorious  peace,  the  lieutenant  immediately 
took  up  the  cudgels  in  his  lordship's  favour,  and  argued  very 
strenuously  to  prove  that  it  was  the  most  honourable  and  ad- 
vantageous peace  that  England  had  ever  made  since  the  foun- 
dation of  the  monarchy.  Nay,  between  friends,  he  offered 
such  reasons  on  this  subject,  that  I  was  really  confounded,  if 
not  convinced.  He  would  not  allow  that  the  Scotch  abounded 
above  their  proportion  in  the  army  and  navy  of  Great  Britain, 
or  that  the  English  had  any  reason  to  say  his  countrymen  had 
met  with  extraordinary  encouragement  in  the  service.  "When 
a  South  and  North  Briton,"  said  he,  "  are  competitors  for  a 
place  or  commission,  which  is  in  the  disposal  of  an  English 
minister  or  an  English  general,  it  would  be  absurd  to  suppose 
that  the  preference  would  not  be  given  to  the  native  of  Eng- 
land, who  has  so  many  advantages  over  his  rival.    First  and 

212 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

foremost,  he  has  in  his  favour  that  laudable  partiality,  which 
Mr.  Addison  says  never  fails  to  cleave  to  the  heart  of  an  Eng- 
lishman; secondly,  he  has  more  powerful  connexions,  and  a 
greater  share  of  parliamentary  interest,  by  which  those  con- 
tests are  generally  decided ;  and,  lastly,  he  has  a  greater  com- 
mand of  money  to  smooth  the  way  to  his  success.  For  my 
own  part,"  said  he,  "  I  know  no  Scotch  officer  who  has  risen 
in  the  army  above  the  rank  of  a  subaltern,  without  purchasing 
every  degree  of  preferment  either  with  money  or  recruits ;  but 
I  know  many  gentlemen  of  that  country,  who,  for  want  of 
money  and  interest,  have  grown  grey  in  the  rank  of  lieuten- 
ants ;  whereas  very  few  instances  of  this  ill-fortune  are  to  be 
found  among  the  natives  of  South  Britain.  Not  that  I  would 
insinuate  that  my  countrymen  have  the  least  reason  to  com- 
plain. Preferment  in  the  service,  like  success  in  any  other 
branch  of  traffic,  will  naturally  favour  those  who  have  the 
greatest  stock  of  cash  and  credit,  merit  and  capacity  being 
supposed  equal  on  all  sides." 

But  the  most  hardy  of  all  this  original's  positions  were 
these : — That  commerce  would,  sooner  or  later,  prove  the  ruin 
of  every  nation,  where  it  flourishes  to  any  extent — that  the 
parliament  was  the  rotten  part  of  the  British  constitution — 
that  the  liberty  of  the  press  was  a  national  evil — and  that  the 
boasted  institution  of  juries,  as  managed  in  England,  was 
productive  of  shameful  perjury  and  flagrant  injustice.  He 
observed,  that  traffic  was  an  enemy  to  all  the  liberal  passions 
of  the  soul,  founded  on  the  thirst  of  lucre,  a  sordid  disposition 
to  take  advantage  of  the  necessities  of  our  fellow-creatures. 
He  affirmed,  the  nature  of  commerce  was  such,  that  it  could 
not  be  fixed  or  perpetuated,  but,  having  flowed  to  a  certain 
height,  would  immediately  begin  to  ebb,  and  so  continue  till 
the  channels  should  be  left  almost  dry;  but  there  was  no  in- 
stance of  the  tide's  rising  a  second  time  to  any  considerable 
influx  in  the  same  nation.  Meanwhile,  the  sudden  affluence 
occasioned  by  trade,  forced  open  all  the  sluices  of  luxury,  and 
overflowed  the  land  with  every  species  of  profligacy  and  cor- 
ruption ;  a  total  depravity  of  manners  would  ensue,  and  this 
must  be  attended  with  bankruptcy  and  ruin. 

He  observed  of  the  parliament,  that  the  practice  of  buying 
boroughs,  and  canvassing  for  votes,  was  an  avowed  system  of 

213 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

venality,  already  established  on  the  ruins  of  principle,  integ- 
rity, faith,  and  good  order;  in  consequence  of  which,  the 
elected,  and  the  elector,  and,  in  short,  the  whole  body  of  the 
people,  were  equally  and  universally  contaminated  and  cor- 
rupted. He  affirmed,  that  of  a  parliament  thus  constituted, 
the  Crown  would  always  have  influence  enough  to  secure  a 
great  majority  in  its  dependence,  from  the  great  number  of 
posts,  places,  and  pensions  it  had  to  bestow ;  that  such  a  par- 
liament would,  as  it  had  already  done,  lengthen  the  term  of  its 
sitting  and  authority,  whenever  the  prince  should  think  it  for 
his  interest  to  continue  the  representatives;  for,  without 
doubt,  they  had  the  same  right  to  protract  their  authority  ad 
infinituni,  as  they  had  to  extend  it  from  three  to  seven  years. 
With  a  parliament,  therefore,  dependent  upon  the  Crown,  de- 
voted to  the  prince,  and  supported  by  a  standing  army,  gar- 
bled and  modelled  for  the  purpose,  any  king  of  England  may, 
and  probably  some  ambitious  sovereign  will,  totally  overthrow 
all  the  bulwarks  of  the  constitution;  for  it  is  not  to  be  sup- 
posed that  a  prince  of  a  high  spirit  will  tamely  submit  to  be 
thwarted  in  all  his  measures,  abused  and  insulted  by  a  popu- 
lace of  unbridled  ferocity,  when  he  has  it  in  his  power  to 
crush  all  opposition  under  his  feet  with  the  concurrence  of 
the  legislature.  He  said,  he  should  always  consider  the  lib- 
erty of  the  press  as  a  national  evil,  while  it  enabled  the  vilest 
reptile  to  soil  the  lustre  of  the  most  shining  merit,  and  furnish 
the  most  infamous  incendiary  with  the  means  of  disturbing 
the  peace,  and  destroying  the  good  order  of  the  community. 
He  owned,  however,  that,  under  due  restrictions,  it  would  be 
a  valuable  privilege ;  but  affirmed,  that,  at  present,  there  was 
no  law  in  England  sufficient  to  restrain  it  within  proper 
bounds. 

With  respect  to  juries,  he  expressed  himself  to  this  effect : 
— ^Juries  are  generally  composed  of  illiterate  plebeians,  apt  to 
be  mistaken,  easily  misled,  and  open  to  sinister  influence ;  for 
if  either  of  the  parties  to  be  tried  can  gain  over  one  of  the 
twelve  jurors,  he  has  secured  the  verdict  in  his  favour;  the 
juryman  thus  brought  over,  will,  in  despite  of  all  evidence 
and  conviction,  generally  hold  out  till  his  fellows  are  fatigued, 
and  harassed,  and  starved  into  concurrence ;  in  which  case  the 
verdict  is  unjust,  and  the  jurors  are  all  perjured; — but  cases 

214 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

will  often  occur  when  the  jurors  are  really  divided  in  opinion, 
and  each  side  is  convinced  in  opposition  to  the  other ;  but  no 
verdict  will  be  received  unless  they  are  unanimous,  and  they 
are  all  bound,  not  only  in  conscience,  but  by  oath,  to  judge 
and  declare  according  to  their  conviction.  What  then  will 
be  the  consequence  ?  They  must  either  starve  in  company,  or 
one  side  must  sacrifice  their  conscience  to  their  convenience, 
and  join  in  a  verdict  which  they  believe  to  be  false.  This 
absurdity  is  avoided  in  Sweden,  where  a  bare  majority  is 
sufficient ;  and  in  Scotland,  where  two-thirds^  of  the  jury  are 
required  to  concur  in  the  verdict. 

You  must  not  imagine  that  all  these  deductions  were  made 
on  his  part,  without  contradiction  on  mine.  No — the  truth 
is,  I  found  myself  piqued  in  point  of  honour,  at  his  pretend- 
ing to  be  so  much  wiser  than  his  neighbours — I  questioned  all 
his  .  assertions,  started  innumerable  objections,  argued  and 
wrangled  with  uncommon  perseverance,  and  grew  very  warm, 
and  even  violent  in  the  debate.  Sometimes  he  was  puzzled, 
and  once  or  twice,  I  think,  fairly  refuted ;  but  from  those  falls 
he  rose  again,  like  Antaeus,  with  redoubled  vigour,  till  at 
length  I  was  tired,  exhausted,  and  really  did  not  know  how 
to  proceed,  when  luckily  he  dropped  a  hint,  by  which  he  dis- 
covered he  had  been  bred  to  the  law ;  a  confession  which  en- 
abled me  to  retire  from  the  dispute  with  a  good  grace,  as  it 
could  not  be  supposed  that  a  man  like  me,  who  had  been  bred 
to  nothing,  should  be  able  to  cope  with  a  veteran  in  his  own 
profession.  I  believe,  however,  that  I  shall  for  some  time 
continue  to  chew  the  cud  of  reflection  upon  many  observations 
which  this  original  discharged. 

Whether  our  sister  Tabby  was  really  struck  with  his  con- 
versation, or  is  resolved  to  throw  at  everything  she  meets  in 
the  shape  of  a  man  till  she  can  fasten  the  matrimonial  noose, 
certain  it  is,  she  has  taken  desperate  strides  towards  the  affec- 
tion of  Lismahago,  who  cannot  be  said  to  have  met  her  half- 
way, though  he  does  not  seem  altogether  insensible  to  her 
civilities.  She  insinuated  more  than  once,  how  happy  we  should 
be  to  have  his  company  through  that  part  of  Scotland  v/hich 
we  proposed  to  visit,  till  at  length  he  plainly  told  us,  that  his 

^  A  mistake— a  majority  is  sufficient  in  Scotland. 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

road  was  totally  different  from  that  which  we  intended  to 
take;  that,  for  his  part,  his  company  would  be  of  very  little 
service  to  us  in  our  progress,  as  he  was  utterly  unacquainted 
with  the  country,  which  he  had  left  in  his  early  youth;  con- 
sequently, he  could  neither  direct  us  in  our  inquiries,  nor  in- 
troduce us  to  any  family  of  distinction.  He  said  he  was 
stimulated  by  an  irresistible  impulse  to  revisit  the  paternus  lar, 
or  patria  domus,  though  he  expected  little  satisfaction,  inas- 
much as  he  understood  that  his  nephew,  the  present  possessor, 
was  but  ill  qualified  to  support  the  honour  of  the  family.  He 
assured  us,  however,  as  we  designed  to  return  by  the  west 
road,  that  he  would  watch  our  motions,  and  endeavour  to  pay 
his  respects  to  us  at  Dumfries.  Accordingly  he  took  his  leave 
of  us  at  a  place  half-way  betwixt  Morpeth  and  Alnwick,  and 
pranced  away  in  great  state,  mounted  on  a  tall,  meagre,  raw- 
boned,  shambling  grey  gelding,  without  e'er  a  tooth  in  his 
head,  the  very  counterpart  of  the  rider;  and,  indeed,  the  ap- 
pearance of  the  two  was  so  picturesque,  that  I  would  give 
twenty  guineas  to  have  them  tolerably  represented  on  canvas. 

Northumberland  is  a  fine  county,  extending  to  the  Tweed, 
which  is  a  pleasant  pastoral  stream ;  but  you  will  be  surprised 
when  I  tell  you  that  the  English  side  of  that  river  is  neither 
so  well  cultivated  nor  so  populous  as  the  other.  The  farms 
are  thinly  scattered,  the  lands  unenclosed,  and  scarce  a  gen- 
tleman's seat  is  to  be  seen  in  some  miles  from  the  Tweed; 
whereas  the  Scots  are  advanced  in  crowds  to  the  very  brink 
of  the  river,  so  that  you  may  reckon  above  thirty  good  houses 
in  the  compass  of  a  few  miles,  belonging  to  proprietors  whose 
ancestors  had  fortified  castles  in  the  same  situations,  a  circum- 
stance that  shows  what  dangerous  neighbours  the  Scotch 
must  have  formerly  been  to  the  northern  counties  of  Eng- 
land. 

Our  domestic  economy  continues  on  the  old  footing.  My 
sister  Tabby  still  adheres  to  Methodism,  and  had  the  benefit 
of  a  sermon  at  Wesley's  meeting  in  Newcastle;  but  I  believe 
the  passion  of  love  has  in  some  measure  abated  the  fervour 
of  devotion,  both  in  her  and  her  woman  Mrs.  Jenkins,  about 
whose  good  graces  there  has  been  a  violent  contest  betwixt 
my  nephew's  valet,  Mr.  Dutton,  and  my  man,  Humphry 
Clinker.    Jerry  has  been  obliged  to  interpose  his  authority  to 

2i6 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

keep  the  peace,  and  to  him  I  have  left  the  discussion  of  that 
important  affair,  which  had  Hke  to  have  kindled  the  flames  of 
discord  in  the  family  of,  yours  always,       Matt.  Bramble. 
Tweedmouth,  July  15. 


To  Sir  Watkin  Phillips,  Bart,  at  Oxon. 

Dear  Wat, — In  my  two  last  you  had  so  much  of  Lisma- 
hago,  that  I  suppose  you  are  glad  he  is  gone  off  the  stage  for 
the  present.  I  must  now  descend  to  domestic  occurrences. 
Love,  it  seems,  is  resolved  to  assert  his  dominion  over  all  the 
females  of  our  family.  After  having  practised  upon  poor 
Liddy's  heart,  and  played  strange  vagaries  with  our  aunt  Mrs. 
Tabitha,  he  began  to  run  riot  in  the  affections  of  her  woman, 
Mrs.  Winifred  Jenkins,  whom  I  have  had  occasion  to  mention 
more  than  once  in  the  course  of  our  memoirs.  Nature  in- 
tended Jenkins  for  something  very  different  from  the  charac- 
ter of  the  mistress,  yet  custom  and  habit  have  effected  a  won- 
derful resemblance  betwixt  them  in  many  particulars.  Win, 
^to  be  sure,  is  much  younger,  and  more  agreeable  in  her  per- 
son; she  is  likewise  tender-hearted  and  benevolent,  qualities 
for  which  her  mistress  is  by  no  means  remarkable,  no  more 
than  she  is  for  being  of  a  timorous  disposition,  and  much  sub- 
ject to  fits  of  the  mother,  which  are  the  infirmities  of  Win's 
constitution ;  but  then  she  seems  to  have  adopted  Mrs.  Tabby's 
manner  with  her  cast  clothes.  She  dresses  and  endeavours  to 
look  like  her  mistress,  although  her  own  looks  are  much  more 
engaging.  She  enters  into  her  schemes  of  economy,  learns 
her  phrases,  repeats  her  remarks,  imitates  her  style  in  scold- 
ing the  inferior  servants,  and,  finally,  subscribes  implicitly  to 
her  system  of  devotion.  This,  indeed,  she  found  the  more 
agreeable,  as  it  was  in  a  great  measure  introduced  and  con- 
firmed by  the  ministry  of  Clinker,  with  whose  personal  merit 
she  seems  to  have  been  struck  ever  since  he  exhibited  the  pat- 
tern of  his  naked  skin  at  Marlborough. 

Nevertheless,  though  Humphry  had  this  double  hank 
upon  her  inclinations,  and  exerted  all  his  power  to  maintain 
the  conquest  he  had  made,  he  found  it  impossible  to  guard  it 
on  the  side  of  vanity,  where  poor  Win  was  as  frail  as  any 
female  in  the  kingdom.     In  short,  my  rascal  Button  pro- 

217 


THE  EXPEDITION  DEI 

fessed  himself  her  admirer,  and,  by  dint  of  his  outlandish 
qualifications,  threw  his  rival  Clinker  out  of  the  saddle  of  her 
heart.  Humphry  may  be  compared  to  an  English  pudding, 
composed  of  good  wholesome  flour  and  suet,  and  Button  to 
a  syllabub  or  iced  froth,  which,  though  agreeable  to  the 
taste,  has  nothing  solid  or  substantial.  The  traitor  not  only 
dazzled  her  with  his  second-hand  finery,  but  he  fawned,  and 
flattered,  and  cringed;  he  taught  her  to  take  rappee,  and 
presented  her  with  a  snuff-box  of  papier  mache;  he  supplied 
her  with  a  powder  for  her  teeth ;  he  mended  her  complexion, 
and  he  dressed  her  hair  in  the  Paris  fashion ;  he  undertook  to 
be  her  French  master  and  her  dancing  master,  as  well  as 
friseur,  and  thus  imperceptibly  wound  himself  into  her  good 
graces. 

Clinker  perceived  the  progress  he  had  made,  and  repined 
in  secret.  He  attempted  to  open  her  eyes  in  the  way  of  ex- 
hortation, and,  finding  it  produced  no  effect,  had  recourse  to 
prayer.  At  Newcastle,  while  he  attended  Mrs.  Tabby  to  the 
Methodist  meeting,  his  rival  accompanied  Mrs.  Jenkins  to 
the  play.  He  was  dressed  in  a  silk  coat,  made  at  Paris  for 
his  former  master,  with  a  tawdry  waistcoat  of  tarnished  bro- 
cade ;  he  wore  his  hair  in  a  great  bag,  with  a  huge  solitaire, 
and  a  long  sword  dangled  from  his  thigh.  The  lady  was  all 
of  a  flutter  with  faded  lutestring,  washed  gauze,  and  ribbons 
three  times  refreshed,  but  she  was  most  remarkable  for  the 
frisure  of  her  head,  which  rose,  like  a  pyramid,  seven  inches 
above  the  scalp,  and  her  face  was  primed  and  patched  from 
the  chin  up  to  the  eyes ;  nay,  the  gallant  himself  had  spared 
neither  red  nor  white  in  improving  the  nature  of  his  own 
complexion.  In  this  attire,  they  walked  together  through 
the  High  Street  to  the  theatre,  and  as  they  passed  for  play- 
ers, ready  dressed  for  acting,  they  reached  it  unmolested ;  but 
as  it  was  still  light  when  they  returned,  and  by  that  time  the 
people  had  got  information  of  their  real  character  and  con- 
dition, they  hissed  and  hooted  all  the  way,  and  Mrs.  Jenkins 
was  all  bespattered  with  dirt,  as  well  as  insulted  with  the 
opprobrious  name  of  painted  Jezahel,  so  that  her  fright  and 
mortification  threw  her  into  an  hysteric  fit  the  moment  she 
came  home. 

Clinker  was  so  incensed  at  Button,  whom  he  considered 

3l8 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

as  the  cause  of  her  disgrace,  that  he  upbraided  him  severely 
for  having  turned  the  poor  young  woman's  brain.  The  other 
affected  to  treat  him  with  contempt ;  and,  mistaking  his  for- 
bearance for  want  of  courage,  threatened  to  horsewhip  him 
into  good  manners.  Humphry  then  came  to  me,  humbly 
begging  I  would  give  him  leave  to  chastise  my  servant  for 
his  insolence.  "  He  has  challenged  me  to  fight  him  at 
sword's  point,"  said  he,  "  but  I  might  as  well  challenge  him 
to  make  a  horseshoe  or  a  ploughiron,  for  I  know  no  more  of 
the  one  than  he  does  of  the  other.  Besides,  it  does  not  be- 
come servants  to  use  those  weapons,  or  to  claim  the  privi- 
lege of  gentlemen  to  kill  one  another,  when  they  fall  out ; 
moreover,  I  would  not  have  his  blood  upon  my  conscience 
for  ten  thousand  times  the  profit  or  satisfaction  I  should  get 
by  his  death ;  but  if  your  honour  won't  be  angry,  I'll  engage 
to  gee  'en  a  good  drubbing,  that,  mayhap,  will  do  'en  service, 
and  I'll  take  care  it  shall  do  'en  no  harm."  I  said  I  had  no 
objection  to  what  he  proposed,  provided  he  could  manage 
matters  so  as  not  to  be  found  the  aggressor,  in  case  Button 
should  prosecute  him  for  an  assault  and  battery. 

Thus  licensed,  he  retired;  and  that  same  evening  easily 
provoked  his  rival  to  strike  the  first  blow,  which  Clinker 
returned  with  such  interest,  that  he  was  obliged  to  call  for 
quarter,  declaring,  at  the  same  time,  that  he  would  exact 
severe  and  bloody  satisfaction  the  moment  we  should  pass 
the  Border,  when  he  could  run  him  through  the  body  without 
fear  of  the  consequence.  This  scene  passed  in  presence  of 
Lieutenant  Lismahago,  who  encouraged  Clinker  to  hazard  a 
thrust  of  cold  iron  with  his  antagonist.  "  Cold  iron,"  cried 
Humphry,  "  I  shall  never  use  against  the  life  of  any  human 
creature ;  but  I  am  so  far  from  being  afraid  of  his  cold  iron, 
that  I  shall  use  nothing  in  my  defence  but  a  good  cudgel, 
which  shall  always  be  at  his  service."  In  the  meantime  the 
fair  cause  of  this  contest,  Mrs.  Winifred  Jenkins,  seemed  over- 
whelmed with  affliction,  and  Mr.  Clinker  acted  much  on  the 
reserve,  though  he  did  not  presume  to  find  fault  with  her 
conduct. 

The  dispute  between  the  two  rivals  was  soon  brought  to 
a  very  unexpected  issue.  Among  our  fellow-lodgers  at  Ber- 
wick was  a  couple  from  London,  bound  to  Edinburgh,  on 

219 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

the  voyage  of  matrimony.  The  female  was  the  daughter  and 
heiress  of  a  pawnbroker  deceased,  who  had  given  her  guar- 
dians the  sHp,  and  put  herself  under  the  tuition  of  a  tall 
Hibernian,  who  had  conducted  her  thus  far  in  quest  of  a 
clergyman  to  unite  them  in  marriage,  without  the  formali- 
ties required  by  the  law  of  England.  I  know  not  how  the 
lover  had  behaved  on  the  road,  so  as  to  decline  in  the  favour 
of  his  inamorata ;  but,  in  all  probability.  Button  perceived  a 
coldness  on  her  side,  which  encouraged  him  to  whisper,  it 
was  a  pity  she  should  have  cast  her  affections  upon  a  tailor, 
which  he  affirmed  the  Irishman  to  be.  This  discovery  com- 
pleted her  disgust,  of  which  my  man  taking  the  advantage, 
began  to  recommend  himself  to  her  good  graces;  and  the 
smooth-tongued  rascal  found  no  difficulty  to  insinuate  him- 
self into  the  place  of  her  heart  from  which  the  other  had 
been  discarded.  Their  resolution  was  immediately  taken ; 
in  the  morning  before  day,  while  poor  Teague  lay  snoring 
a-bed,  his  indefatigable  rival  ordered  a  post-chaise,  and  set 
out  with  the  lady  for  Coldstream,  a  few  miles  up  the  Tweed, 
where  there  was  a  parson  who  dealt  in  this  branch  of  com- 
merce, and  there  they  were  noosed  before  the  Irishman  ever 
dreamed  of  the  matter;  but  when  he  got  up  at  six  o'clock, 
and  found  the  bird  was  flown,  he  made  such  a  noise  as 
alarmed  the  whole  house.  One  of  the  first  persons  he  en- 
countered was  the  postillion  returned  from  Coldstream, 
where  he  had  been  witness  to  the  marriage,  and,  over  and 
above  a  handsome  gratuity,  had  received  a  bride's  favour, 
which  he  now  wore  in  his  cap.  When  the  forsaken  lover 
understood  they  were  actually  married,  and  set  out  for  Lon- 
don, and  that  Button  had  discovered  to  the  lady  that  he  (the 
Hibernian)  was  a  tailor,  he  had  like  to  have  run  distracted. 
He  tore  the  ribbon  from  the  fellow's  cap,  and  beat  it  about 
his  ears.  He  swore  he  would  pursue  him  to  the  gates  of  hell, 
and  ordered  a  post-chaise  and  four  to  be  got  ready  as  soon 
as  possible ;  but  recollecting  that  his  finances  would  not  ad- 
mit of  this  way  of  travelling,  he  was  obliged  to  countermand 
this  order. 

For  my  part,  I  knew  nothing  at  all  of  what  happened,  till 
the  postillion  brought  me  the  keys  of  my  trunk  and  port- 
manteau, which  he  had  received  from  Button,  who  sent  me 

220 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

his  respects,  hoping  I  would  excuse  him  for  his  abrupt  de- 
parture, as  it  was  a  step  upon  which  his  fortune  depended. 
Before  I  had  time  to  make  my  uncle  acquainted  with  this 
event,  the  Irishman  burst  into  my  chamber,  without  any 
introduction,  exclaiming,  "  By  my  soul,  your  sarvant  has 
robbed  me  of  five  thousand  pounds,  and  I'll  have  satisfaction, 
it  I  should  be  hanged  to-morrow !  "  When  I  asked  him  who 
he  was,  "  My  name,"  said  he,  "  is  Master  Macloughlin,  but 
it  should  be  Leighlin  Oneale,  for  I  am  come  from  Ter-Owen 
the  Great ;  and  so  I  am  as  good  a  gentleman  as  any  in  Ire- 
land ;  and  that  rogue,  your  sarvant,  said  I  was  a  tailor,  which 
was  as  big  a  lie  as  if  he  had  called  me  the  Pope.  I'm  a  man 
of  fortune,  and  have  spent  all  I  had;  and  so,  being  in  dis- 
tress, Mr.  Coshgrave,  the  fashioner  in  Suffolk  Street,  tuck 
me  out,  and  made  me  his  own  private  shecretary ;  by  the 
same  token,  I  was  the  last  he  bailed ;  for  his  friends  obliged 
him  to  tie  himself  up,  that  he  would  bail  no  more  above  ten 
pounds;  for  why,  becaase  as  how  he  could  not  refuse  any- 
body that  asked,  and  therefore  in  time  would  have  robbed 
himself  of  his  whole  fortune,  and,  if  he  had  lived  long  at  that 
rate,  must  have  died  bankrupt  very  soon ;  and  so  I  made  my 
addresses  to  Miss  Skinner,  a  young  lady  of  five  thousand 
pounds  fortune,  who  agreed  to  take  me  for  better  nor  worse ; 
and,  to  be  sure,  this  day  would  have  put  me  in  possession,  if 
it  had  not  been  for  that  rogue  your  sarvant,  who  came  like  a 
tief,  and  stole  away  my  property,  and  made  her  believe  I  was 
a  tailor,  and  that  she  was  going  to  marry  the  ninth  part  of  a 
man ;  but  the  devil  burn  my  soul,  if  ever  I  catch  him  on  the 
mountains  of  Tulloghobegly,  if  I  don't  show  him  that  I'm 
nine  times  as  good  a  man  as  he,  or  e'er  a  bug  of  his  country." 

When  he  had  rung  out  his  first  alarm,  I  told  him  I  was 
sorry  he  had  allowed  himself  to  be  so  jockied,  but  it  was  no 
business  of  mine,  and  that  the  fellow  who  robbed  him  of  his 
bride,  had  likewise  robbed  me  of  my  servant.  "  Didn't  I  tell 
you,  then,"  cried  he,  "  that  Rogue  was  his  true  Christian 
name ;  oh !  if  I  had  but  one  fair  trust  with  him  upon  the  sod, 
I'd  give  him  leave  to  brag  all  the  rest  of  his  life." 

My  uncle  hearing  the  noise,  came  in,  and  being  informed 
of  this  adventure,  began  to  comfort  Mr.  Oneale  for  the 
lady's  elopement,  observing,  that  he  seemed  to  have  had  a 

221 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF, 

lucky  escape ;  that  it  was  better  she  should  elope  before  than 
after  marriage.  The  Hibernian  was  of  a  very  different  opin- 
ion. He  said,  if  he  had  been  once  married,  she  might  have 
eloped  as  soon  as  she  pleased ;  he  would  have  taken  care  that 
she  would  not  have  carried  her  fortune  along  with  her. 
"  Ah !  "  said  he,  "  she's  a  Judas  Iscariot,  and  has  betrayed 
me  with  a  kiss ;  and,  like  Judas,  she  carried  the  bag,  and  has 
not  left  me  money  enough  to  bear  my  expenses  back  to  Lon- 
don ;  and  so  as  I  am  come  to  this  pass,  and  the  rogue  that  was 
the  occasion  of  it  has  left  you  without  a  sarvant,  you  may 
put  me  in  his  place ;  and,  by  Jasus,  it  is  the  best  thing  you 
can  do."  I  begged  to  be  excused,  declaring  I  could  put  up 
with  any  inconvenience,  rather  than  treat  as  footman  the 
descendant  of  Ter-Owen  the  Great.  I  advised  him  to  return 
to  his  friend  Mr.  Cosgrave,  and  take  his  passage  from  New- 
castle by  sea,  towards  which  I  made  him  a  small  present,  and 
he  retired,  seemingly  resigned  to  his  evil  fortune.  I  have 
taken  upon  trial  a  Scotchman,  called  Archy  M'Alpin,  an  old 
soldier,  whose  last  master,  a  colonel,  lately  died  at  Berwick. 
The  fellow  is  old  and  withered,  but  he  has  been  recom- 
mended to  me  for  his  fidelity  by  Mrs.  Humphreys,  a  very 
good  sort  of  a  woman,  who  keeps  the  inn  at  Tweedmouth, 
and  is  much  respected  by  all  the  travellers  on  this  road. 

Clinker,  without  doubt,  thinks  himself  happy  in  the  re- 
moval of  a  dangerous  rival,  and  he  is  too  good  a  Christian 
to  repine  at  Button's  success.  Even  Mrs.  Jenkins  will  have 
reason  to  congratulate  herself  upon  this  event,  when  she 
coolly  reflects  upon  the  matter;  for,  howsoever  she  was 
forced  from  her  poise  for  a  season,  by  snares  laid  for  her 
vanity,  Humphry  is  certainly  the  north  star  to  which  the 
needle  of  her  aflfection  would  have  pointed  at  the  long  run ; 
at  present  the  same  vanity  is  exceedingly  mortified,  upon 
finding  herself  abandoned  by  her  new  admirer,  in  favour  of 
another  inamorata.  She  received  the  news  with  a  violent 
burst  of  laughter,  which  soon  brought  on  a  fit  of  crying,  and 
this  gave  the  finishing  blow  to  the  patience  of  her  mistress, 
which  had  held  out  beyond  all  expectation.  She  now  opened 
all  those  floodgates  of  reprehension  which  had  been  shut  so 
long.  She  not  only  reproached  her  with  her  levity  and  indis- 
cretion, but  attacked  her  on  the  score  of  religion,  declaring 

222 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

roundly,  that  she  was  in  a  state  of  apostasy  and  reprobation ; 
and  finally  threatened  to  send  her  a-packing  at  this  extrem- 
ity of  the  kingdom.  All  the  family  interceded  for  poor  Win- 
ifred, not  even  excepting  her  slighted  swain,  Mr.  Clinker, 
who,  on  his  knees,  implored  and  obtained  her  pardon. 

There  was,  however,  another  consideration  that  gave  Mrs. 
Tabitha  some  disturbance.  At  Newcastle,  the  servants  had 
been  informed  by  some  wag,  that  there  was  nothing  to  eat 
in  Scotland  but  oatmeal  and  sheep-heads;  and  Lieutenant 
Lismahago  being  consulted,  what  he  said  served  rather  to 
confirm  than  to  refute  the  report.  Our  aunt  being  apprised 
of  the  circumstance,  very  gravely  advised  her  brother  to 
provide  a  sumpter-horse,  with  store  of  hams,  tongues,  bread, 
biscuit,  and  other  articles  for  our  subsistence  in  the  course 
of  our  peregrination ;  and  Mr.  Bramble  as  gravely  replied, 
that  he  would  take  the  hint  into  consideration ;  but,  finding 
no  such  provision  was  made,  she  now  revived  the  proposal, 
observing  that  there  was  a  tolerable  market  in  Berwick, 
where  we  might  be  supplied ;  and  that  my  man's  horse  would 
serve  as  a  beast  of  burden ;  the  squire,  shrugging  up  his 
shoulders,  eyed  her  askance  with  a  look  of  ineflfable  con- 
tempt, and,  after  some  pause,  "  Sister,"  said  he,  "  I  can 
hardly  persuade  myself  you  are  serious."  She  was  so  little 
acquainted  with  the  geography  of  the  island,  that  she  im- 
agined we  could  not  go  to  Scotland  but  by  sea;  and,  after 
we  had  passed  through  the  town  of  Berwick,  when  we  told 
her  we  were  upon  Scottish  ground,  she  could  hardly  believe 
the  assertion.  If  the  truth  must  be  told,  the  South  Britons 
in  general  are  wofully  ignorant  in  this  particular.  What  be- 
tween want  of  curiosity  and  traditional  sarcasms,  the  effect 
of  ancient  animosity,  the  people  at  the  other  end  of  the  island 
know  as  little  of  Scotland  as  of  Japan. 

If  I  had  never  been  in  Wales,  I  should  have  been  more 
struck  with  the  manifest  difference  in  appearance  betwixt 
the  peasants  and  commonalty  on  the  different  sides  of  the 
Tweed.  The  boors  of  Northumberland  are  lusty  fellows, 
fresh-complexioned,  cleanly,  and  well  clothed ;  but  the  la- 
bourers in  Scotland  are  generally  lank,  lean,  hard-featured, 
sallow,  soiled,  and  shabby ;  and  their  little  pinched  blue  caps 
have  a  beggarly  effect.     The  cattle  are  much  in  the  same 

223 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

style  with  their  drivers,  meagre,  stunted,  and  ill-equipped. 
When  I  talked  to  my  uncle  on  this  subject,  he  said,  "  Though 
all  the  Scottish  hinds  would  not  bear  to  be  compared  with 
those  of  the  rich  counties  of  South  Britain,  they  would  stand 
very  well  in  competition  with  the  peasants  of  France,  Italy, 
and  Savoy — not  to  mention  the  mountaineers  of  Wales, 
and  the  red-shanks  of  Ireland." 

We  entered  Scotland  by  a  frightful  muir  of  sixteen  miles, 
which  promises  very  little  for  the  interior  parts  of  the  king- 
dom; but  the  prospect  mended  as  we  advanced.  Passing 
through  Dunbar,  which  is  a  neat  little  town,  situated  on  the 
seaside,  we  lay  at  a  country  inn,  where  our  entertainment  far 
exceeded  our  expectation ;  but  for  this  we  cannot  give  the 
Scotch  credit,  as  the  landlord  is  a  native  of  England.  Yes- 
terday we  dined  at  Haddington,  which  has  been  a  place  of 
some  consideration,  but  is  now  gone  to  decay ;  and  in  the 
evening  arrived  at  this  metropolis,  of  which  I  can  say  but 
very  little.  It  is  very  romantic,  from  its  situation  on  the 
declivity  of  a  hill,  having  a  fortified  castle  at  the  top,  and  a 
royal  palace  at  the  bottom.  The  first  thing  that  strikes  the 
nose  of  a  stranger  shall  be  nameless;  but  what  first  strikes 
the  eye  is  the  unconscionable  height  of  the  houses,  which 
generally  rise  to  five,  six,  seven,  and  eight  storeys,  and,  in 
some  places  (as  I  am  assured),  to  twelve.  This  manner  of 
building,  attended  with  numberless  inconveniences,  must 
have  been  originally  owing  to  want  of  room.  Certain  it  is, 
the  town  seems  to  be  full  of  people ;  but  their  looks,  their 
language,  and  their  customs,  are  so  different  from  ours,  that 
I  can  hardly  believe  myself  in  Great  Britain. 

The  inn  at  which  we  put  up  (if  it  may  be  so  called)  was  so 
filthy  and  disagreeable  in  all  respects,  that  my  uncle  began 
to  fret,  and  his  gouty  symptoms  to  recur.  Recollecting, 
however,  that  he  had  a  letter  of  recommendation  to  one  Mr. 
Mitchelson,  a  lawyer,  he  sent  it  by  his  servant,  with  a  com- 
pliment, importing,  that  he  would  wait  upon  him  next  day 
in  person;  but  that  gentleman  visited  us  immediately,  and 
insisted  upon  our  going  to  his  own  house,  until  he  could  pro- 
vide lodgings  for  our  accommodation.  We  gladly  accepted 
of  his  invitation,  and  repaired  to  his  house,  where  we  were 
treated  with  equal  elegance  and  hospitality,  to  the  utter 

224 


HUMPHirV:'    CLINKER 

confusion  of  our  aunt,  whose  prejudices,  though  beginning 
to  give  way,  were  not  yet  entirely  removed.  To-day,  by  the 
assistance  of  our  friend,  we  are  settled  in  convenient  lodg- 
ings, up  four  pair  of  stairs,  in  the  High  Street,  the  fourth 
storey  being,  in  this  city,  reckoned  more  genteel  than  the 
first.  The  air  is,  in  all  probability,  the  better ;  but  it  requires 
good  lungs  to  breathe  it  at  this  distance  above  the  surface  of 
the  earth.  While  I  do  remain  above  it,  whether  higher  or 
lower,  provided  I  breathe  at  all,  I  shall  ever  be,  dear  Phillips, 
yours,  J.  Melford. 

Edinburgh,  July  i8. 


To  Dr.  Lewis. 

Dear  Lewis, — That  part  of  Scotland  contiguous  to  Ber- 
wick nature  seems  to  have  intended  as  a  barrier  between  two 
hostile  nations.  It  is  a  brown  desert,  of  considerable  extent, 
that  produces  nothing  but  heath  and  fern ;  and  what  ren- 
dered it  the  more  dreary  when  we  passed,  there  was  a  thick 
fog  that  hindered  us  from  seeing  above  twenty  yards  from 
the  carriage.  My  sister  began  to  make  wry  faces,  and  use 
her  smelling  bottle,  Liddy  looked  blank,  and  Mrs.  Jenkins 
dejected ;  but  in  a  few  hours  these  clouds  were  dissipated ; 
the  sea  appeared  upon  our  right,  and  on  the  left  the  moun- 
tains retired  a  little,  leaving  an  agreeable  plain  betwixt  them 
and  the  beach ;  but,  what  surprised  us  all,  this  plain,  to  the 
extent  of  several  miles,  was  covered  with  as  fine  wheat  as 
ever  I  saw  in  the  most  fertile  parts  of  South  Britain.  This 
plentiful  crop  is  raised  in  the  open  field,  without  any  en- 
closure, or  other  manure  than  the  alga  marina,  or  sea-weed, 
which  abounds  on  this  coast ;  a  circumstance  which  shows 
that  the  soil  and  climate  are  favourable,  but  that  agriculture 
in  this  country  is  not  yet  brought  to  that  perfection  which 
it  has  attained  in  England.  Enclosures  would  not  only  keep 
the  grounds  warm,  and  the  several  fields  distinct,  but  would 
also  protect  the  crop  from  the  high  winds,  which  are  so  fre- 
quent in  this  part  of  the  island. 

Dunbar  is  well  situated  for  trade,  and  has  a  curious  basin, 
where  ships  of  small  burden  may  be  perfectly  secure ;  but 
there  is  little  appearance  of  business  in  the  place.     From 

l»  225 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

thence,  all  the  way  to  Edinburgh,  there  is  a  continual  suc- 
cession of  fine  seats  belonging  to  noblemen  and  gentlemen ; 
and,  as  each  is  surrounded  by  its  own  parks  and  plantation, 
they  produce  a  very  pleasing  efifect  in  a  country  which  lies 
otherwise  open  and  exposed.  At  Dunbar  there  is  a  noble 
park,  with  a  lodge,  belonging  to  the  Duke  of  Roxburgh, 
where  Oliver  Cromwell  had  his  headquarters,  when  Leslie, 
at  the  head  of  a  Scotch  army,  took  possession  of  the  moun- 
tains in  the  neighbourhood,  and  hampered  him  in  such  a 
manner,  that  he  would  have  been  obliged  to  embark  and  get 
away  by  sea,  had  not  the  fanaticism  of  the  enemy  forfeited 
the  advantage  which  they  had  obtained  by  their  general's 
conduct.  Their  ministers,  by  exhortation,  prayer,  assur- 
ance, and  prophecy,  instigated  them  to  go  down  and  slay 
the  Philistines  in  Gilgal,  and  they  quitted  their  ground  ac- 
cordingly, notwithstanding  all  that  Leslie  could  do  to  re- 
strain the  madness  of  their  enthusiasm.  When  Oliver  saw 
them  in  motion,  he  exclaimed,  "  Praised  be  the  Lord,  he  hath 
delivered  them  into  the  hands  of  his  servant !  "  and  ordered 
his  troops  to  sing  a  psalm  of  thanksgiving,  while  they  ad- 
vanced in  order  to  the  plain,  where  the  Scotch  were  routed 
with  great  slaughter. 

In  the  neighbourhood  of  Haddington  there  is  a  gentle- 
man's house,  in  the  building  of  which,  and  the  improvements 
about  it,  he  is  said  to  have  expended  forty  thousand  pounds ; 
but  I  cannot  say  I  was  much  pleased  with  either  the  archi- 
tecture or  the  situation,  though  it  has  in  front  a  pastoral 
stream,  the  banks  of  which  are  laid  out  in  a  very  agreeable 
manner.  I  intended  to  pay  my  respects  to  Lord  Elibank, 
whom  I  had  the  honour  to  know  at  London  many  years  ago. 
He  lives  in  this  part  of  Lothian,  but  was  gone  to  the  north 
on  a  visit.  You  have  often  heard  me  mention  this  noble- 
man, whom  I  have  long  revered  for  his  humanity  and  uni- 
versal intelligence,  over  and  above  the  entertainment  arising 
from  the  originality  of  his  character.  At  Musselburgh,  how- 
ever, I  had  the  good  fortune  to  drink  tea  with  my  old  friend 

Mr.  Cardonel ;  and  at  his  house  I  met  Dr.  C ,  the  parson 

of  the  parish,  whose  humour  and  conversation  inflamed  me 
with  a  desire  of  being  better  acquainted  with  his  person.    I 

226 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

am  not  at  all  surprised  that  these  Scotch  make  their  way  in 
every  quarter  of  the  globe. 

This  place  is  but  four  miles  from  Edinburgh,  towards 
which  we  proceeded  along  the  seashore,  upon  a  firm  bottom 
of  smooth  sand,  which  the  tide  had  left  uncovered  in  its  re- 
treat. Edinburgh,  from  this  avenue,  is  not  seen  to  much 
advantage ;  we  had  only  an  imperfect  view  of  the  castle  and 
upper  parts  of  the  town,  which  varied  incessantly  according 
to  the  inflections  of  the  road,  and  exhibited  the  appearance 
of  detached  spires  and  turrets,  belonging  to  some  magnifi- 
cent edifice  in  ruins.  The  palace  of  Holyrood  House  stands 
on  the  left  as  you  enter  the  Canongate.  This  is  a  street  con- 
tinued from  hence  to  the  gate  called  the  Netherbow,  which 
is  now  taken  away ;  so  that  there  is  no  interruption  for  a 
long  mile,  from  the  bottom  to  the  top  of  the  hill,  on  which 
the  castle  stands  in  a  most  imperial  situation.  Considering 
its  fine  pavement,  its  width,  and  the  lofty  houses  on  each  side, 
this  would  be  undoubtedly  one  of  the  noblest  streets  in 
Europe,  if  an  ugly  mass  of  mean  buildings,  called  the  Luck- 
enbooths,  had  not  thrust  itself,  by  what  accident  I  know  not, 
into  the  middle  of  the  way,  like  Middle  Row  in  Holborn. 

The  city  stands  upon  two  hills,  and  the  bottom  between 
them ;  and,  with  all  its  defects,  may  very  well  pass  for  the 
capital  of  a  moderate  kingdom.  It  is  full  of  people ;  and  con- 
tinually resounds  with  the  noise  of  coaches  and  other  car- 
riages, for  luxury  as  well  as  commerce.  As  far  as  I  can  per- 
ceive, here  is  no  want  of  provisions.  The  beef  and  mutton 
are  as  delicate  here  as  in  Wales ;  the  sea  affords  plenty  of 
good  fish ;  the  bread  is  remarkably  fine ;  and  the  water  is 
excellent,  though  I'm  afraid  not  in  sufficient  quantity  to 
answer  all  the  purposes  of  cleanliness  and  convenience ;  arti- 
cles in  which,  it  must  be  allowed,  our  fellow-subjects  are  a 
little  defective.  The  water  is  brought  in  leaden  pipes  from 
a  mountain  in  the  neighbourhood,  to  a  cistern  on  the  Castle 
Hill,  from  whence  it  is  distributed  to  public  conduits  in  dif- 
ferent parts  of  the  city.  From  these  it  is  carried  in  barrels, 
on  the  backs  of  male  and  female  porters,  up  two,  three,  four, 
five,  six,  seven,  and  eight  pair  of  stairs,  for  the  use  of  par- 
ticular families.  Every  storey  is  a  complete  house,  occupied 
by  a  separate  family;  and  the  stair  being  common  to  them 

22^ 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

all,  is  generally  left  in  a  very  filthy  condition;  a  man  must 
tread  with  great  circumspection  to  get  safe  housed  with 
unpolluted  shoes.  Nothing  can  form  a  stronger  contrast 
than  the  difference  betwixt  the  outside  and  inside  of  the 
door ;  for  the  good  women  of  this  metropolis  are  remarkably 
nice  in  the  ornaments  and  propriety  of  their  apartments,  as 
if  they  were  resolved  to  transfer  the  imputation  from  the 
individual  to  the  public.  You  are  no  stranger  to  their 
method  of  discharging  all  their  impurities  from  their  win- 
dows, at  a  certain  hour  of  the  night,  as  the  custom  is  in 
Spain,  Portugal,  and  some  parts  of  France  and  Italy ;  a  prac- 
tice to  which  I  can  by  no  means  be  reconciled ;  for,  notwith- 
standing all  the  care  that  is  taken  by  their  scavengers  to 
remove  this  nuisance  every  morning  by  break  of  day,  enough 
still  remains  to  oflFend  the  eyes,  as  well  as  the  other  organs  of 
those  whom  use  has  not  hardened  against  all  delicacy  of 
sensation. 

The  inhabitants  seem  insensible  to  these  impressions,  and 
are  apt  to  imagine  the  disgust  that  we  avow  is  little  better 
than  affectation;  but  they  ought  to  have  some  compassion 
for  strangers,  who  have  not  been  used  to  this  kind  of  suffer- 
ance, and  consider  whether  it  may  not  be  worth  while  to  take 
some  pains  to  vindicate  themselves  from  the  reproach  that 
on  this  account  they  bear  among  their  neighbours.  As  to  the 
surprising  height  of  their  houses,  it  is  absurd  in  many  re- 
spects ;  but  in  one  particular  light  I  cannot  view  it  without 
horror;  that  is,  the  dreadful  situation  of  all  the  families 
above,  in  case  the  common  staircase  should  be  rendered  im- 
passable by  a  fire  in-the  lower  storeys.  In  order  to  prevent 
the  shocking  consequences  that  must  attend  such  an  acci- 
dent, it  would  be  a  right  measure  to  open  doors  of  communi- 
cation from  one  house  to  another  on  every  storey,  by  which 
the  people  might  fly  from  such  a  terrible  visitation.  In  all 
parts  of  the  world  we  see  the  force  of  habit  prevailing  over 
all  the  dictates  of  convenience  and  sagacity.  All  the  people 
of  business  at  Edinburgh,  and  even  the  genteel  company, 
may  be  seen  standing  in  crowds  every  day,  from  one  to  two 
in  the  afternoon,  in  the  open  street,  at  a  place  where  formerly 
stood  a  market  cross,  which  (by  the  bye)  was  a  curious  piece 
of  Gothic  architecture,  still  to  be  seen  in  Lord  Somerville's 

228 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

garden  in  this  neighbourhood :  I  say,  the  people  stand  in  the 
open  street  from  the  force  of  custom,  rather  than  move  a  few 
yards  to  an  exchange  that  stands  empty  on  one  side,  or  to 
the  ParHament  Close  on  the  other,  which  is  a  noble  square, 
adorned  with  a  fine  equestrian  statue  of  King  Charles  ii. 
The  company  thus  assembled  are  entertained  with  a  variety 
of  tunes,  played  upon  a  set  of  bells,  fixed  in  a  steeple  hard  by. 
As  these  bells  are  well  toned,  and  the  musician,  who  has  a 
salary  from  the  city  for  playing  upon  them  with  keys,  is  no 
bad  performer,  the  entertainment  is  really  agreeable,  and 
very  striking  to  the  ears  of  a  stranger. 

The  public  inns  at  Edinburgh  are  still  worse  than  those  of 
London ;  but,  by  means  of  a  worthy  gentleman,  to  whom  I 
was  recommended,  we  have  got  decent  lodgings  in  the  house 
of  a  widow  gentlewoman  of  the  name  of  Lockhart ;  and  here 
I  shall  stay  until  I  have  seen  everything  that  is  remarkable 
in  and  about  this  capital.  I  now  begin  to  feel  the  good 
effects  of  exercise.  I  eat  like  a  farmer,  sleep  from  midnight 
till  eight  in  the  morning,  without  interruption,  and  enjoy  a 
constant  tide  of  spirits,  equally  distant  from  inanition  and 
excess ;  but  whatever  ebbs  or  flows  my  constitution  may  un- 
dergo, my  heart  will  still  declare  that  I  am,  dear  Lewis, 
Your  affectionate  friend  and  servant. 

Edinburgh,  July  i8.  Matt.  Bramble. 


To  Mrs.  Mary  Jones,  at  Bramhleton  Hall. 

Dear  Mary, — The  squire  has  been  so  kind  as  to  rap  my 

bit  of  nonsense  under  the  kiver  of  his  own  sheet.  O  Mary 
J  ones !  Mary  Jones !  I  have  had  trials  and  trembulation.  God 
help  me !  I  have  been  a  vixen  and  a  griffin  these  many  days, 
Sattin  has  had  power  to  temp  me  in  the  shape  of  van  Ditton 
the  young  squire's  wally-de-shamble ;  but  by  God's  grease 
he  did  not  purvail.  I  thoft  as  how  there  was  no  arm  in  going 
to  a  play  at  Newcastle,  with  my  hair  dressed  in  the  Paris 
fashion  ;  and  as  for  the  trifle  of  paint,  he  said  as  how  my  com- 
plexion wanted  rouch,  and  so  I  let  him  put  it  on  with  a  little 
Spanish  owl ;  but  a  mischievous  mob  of  colliers,  and  such 
promiscous  ribble  rabble,  that  could  bare  no  smut  but  their 
own,  attacked  us  in  the  street,  and  called  me  hoar  and 

229 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

painted  Issabel,  and  splashed  my  close,  and  spoiled  me  a  com- 
plete set  of  blond  lace  triple  ruffles,  not  a  pin  the  worse  for 
the  ware.  They  cost  me  seven  good  sillings  to  Lady  Gris- 
kin's  woman  at  London. 

When  I  axed  Mr.  Clinker  what  they  meant  by  calling  me 
Issabel,  he  put  the  byebill  into  my  hand,  and  I  read  of  van 
Issabel,  a  painted  harlot,  that  vas  thrown  out  of  a  vindore, 
and  the  dogs  came  and  linked  her  blood.  But  I  am  no  har- 
lot; and,  with  God's  blessing,  no  dog  shall  have  my  poor 
blood  to  lick.  Marry,  Heaven  forbid,  amen !  As  for  Ditton, 
after  all  his  courting  and  compliment,  he  stole  away  an 
Irishman's  bride,  and  took  a  French  leave  of  me  and  his  mas- 
ter ;  but  I  vally  not  his  going  a  farting ;  but  I  have  had 
hanger  on  his  account.  Mistress  scoulded  like  mad;  thof  I 
have  the  comfit  that  all  the  family  took  my  part,  and  even 
Mr.  Clinker  pleaded  for  me  on  his  bended  knee  ;  thof,  God  he 
knows,  he  had  raisins  enuflf  to  complain ;  but  he's  a  good 
sole,  abounding  with  Christian  meekness,  and  one  day  will 
meet  with  his  reward. 

And  now,  dear  Mary,  we  have  got  to  Haddingborough, 
among  the  Scots,  who  are  civil  enufT  for  our  money,  thof  I 
don't  speak  their  lingo.  But  they  should  not  go  for  to  im- 
pose upon  foreigners ;  for  the  bills  on  their  houses  say,  they 
have  different  easements  to  let ;  and  behold  there  is  nurra 
geaks  in  the  whole  kingdom,  nor  anything  for  pore  sarvants, 
but  a  barrel  with  a  pair  of  tongs  thrown  across ;  and  all  the 
chairs  in  the  family  are  emptied  into  this  here  barrel  once  a 
day ;  and  at  ten  o'clock  at  night  the  whole  cargo  is  flung  out 
of  a  back  windore  that  looks  into  some  street  or  lane,  and 
the  maid  calls  Gardy  loo  to  the  passengers,  which  signifies, 
Lord  have  mercy  upon  you!  and  this  is  done  every  night  in 
every  house  in  Haddingborough ;  so  you  may  guess,  Mary 
Jones,  what  a  sweet  savour  comes  from  such  a  number  of 
profuming  pans.  But  they  say  it  is  wholesome,  and  truly  I 
believe  it  is  ;  for  being  in  the  vapours,  and  thinking  of  Issabel 
and  Mr.  Clinker,  I  was  going  into  a  fit  of  astericks,  when  this 
fiflf,  saving  your  presence,  took  me  by  the  nose  so  powerfully, 
that  I  sneezed  three  times,  and  found  myself  wonderfully  re- 
freshed :  and  this  to  be  sure  is  the  raisin  why  there  are  no 
fits  in  Haddingborough. 

230 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

I  was  likewise  made  believe,  that  there  was  nothing  to  be 
had  but  out-mcal  and  seep's  heads;  but  if  I  hadn't  been  a  fool,  I 
mought  have  known  there  could  be  no  heads  without  kar- 
casses.  This  very  blessed  day  I  dined  upon  a  delicate  leg  of 
Velsh  mutton  and  cullyflower;  and  as  for  the  oat-meal,  I 
leave  that  to  the  sarvants  of  the  country,  which  are  pore 
drudges,  many  of  them  without  shoes  or  stockings.  Mr. 
Clinker  tells  me  here  is  a  great  call  of  the  gospel ;  but  I  wish, 
I  wish  some  of  our  family  be  not  fallen  oflf  from  the  rite  way. 
O,  if  I  was  given  to  tail-baring,  I  have  my  own  secrets  to  dis- 
cover. There  has  been  a  .deal  of  huggling  and  flurtation  be- 
twixt Mrs.  and  an  ould  Scots  officer  called  Kismycago.  He 
looks  for  all  the  orld  like  the  scarecrow  that  our  gardener 
set  up  to  frite  away  the  sparrows ;  and  what  will  come  of  it 
the  Lord  nows ;  but  come  what  will,  it  shall  never  be  said  that 

1  mentioned  a  syllabub  of  the  matter Remember  me 

kindly  to  Saul  and  the  kitten.  I  hope  they  got  the  horn- 
buck,  and  will  put  it  to  a  good  yuse,  which  is  the  constant 
prayer  of. 

Dear  Molly,  your  loving  friend, 

Addingborough,  July  i8.  Win.  Jenkins. 


To  Sir  Watkin  Phillips,  Bart,  of  Jesus  College,  Oxon. 

Dear  Phillips, — If  I  stay  much  longer  at  Edinburgh,  I 
shall  be  changed  into  a  downright  Caledonian.  My  uncle 
observes,  that  I  have  already  acquired  something  of  the 
country  accent.  The  people  here  are  so  social  and  attentive 
in  their  civilities  to  strangers,  that  I  am  insensibly  sucked 
into  the  channel  of  their  manners  and  customs,  although 
they  are  in  fact  much  more  different  from  ours  than  you  can 
imagine.  That  difference,  however,  which  struck  me  very 
much  at  my  first  arrival,  I  now  hardly  perceive,  and  my  ear 
is  perfectly  reconciled  to  the  Scotch  accent,  which  I  find 
even  agreeable  in  the  mouth  of  a  pretty  woman.  It  is  a  sort 
of  Doric  dialect,  which  gives  an  idea  of  amiable  simplicity. 
You  cannot  imagine  how  we  have  been  caressed  and  feasted 
in  the  good  town  of  Edinburgh,  of  which  we  have  become  free 
denizens  and  guild-brothers,  by  the  special  favour  of  the 
magistracy. 

231 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

.  I  had  a  whimsical  commission  from  Bath,  to  a  citizen  of 
this  metropoHs.  Quin,  understanding  our  intention  to  visit 
Edinburgh,  pulled  out  a  guinea,  and  desired  the  favour  I 
would  drink  it  at  a  tavern,  with  a  particular  friend  and  bottle 

companion  of  his,  one  Mr.  R C ,  a  lawyer  of  this  city. 

I  charged  myself  with  this  commission,  and  taking  the 
guinea,  "  You  see,"  said  I,  "  I  have  pocketed  your  bounty." 
— "  Yes,"  replied  Quin,  laughing,  "  and  a  headache  into  the 
bargain,  if  you  drink  fair."    I  made  use  of  this  introduction 

to  Mr.  C ,  who  received  me  with  open  arms,  and  gave  me 

the  rendezvous,  according  to  the  cartel.  He  had  provided  a 
company  of  jolly  fellows,  among  whom  I  found  myself  ex- 
tremely happy ;  and  did  Mr.  C and  Quin  all  the  justice  in 

my  power ;  but,  alas !  I  was  no  more  than  a  tyro  among  a 
troop  of  veterans,  who  had  compassion  upon  my  youth,  and 
conveyed  me  home  in  the  morning,  by  what  means  I  know 
not.  Quin  was  mistaken,  however,  as  to  the  headache;  the 
claret  was  too  good  to  treat  me  so  roughly. 

While  Mr.  Bramble  holds  conferences  with  the  graver 
literati  of  the  place,  and  our  females  are  entertained  at  visits 
by  the  Scotch  ladies,  who  are  the  best  and  kindest  creatures 
upon  earth,  I  pass  my  time  among  the  bucks  of  Edinburgh ; 
who,  with  a  great  share  of  spirit  and  vivacity,  have  a  certain 
shrewdness  and  self-command  that  is  not  often  found  among 
their  neighbours  in  the  hey-day  of  youth  and  exultation. 
Not  a  hint  escapes  a  Scotchman  that  can  be  interpreted  into 
offence  by  any  individual  in  the  company ;  and  national  re- 
flections are  never  heard.  In  this  particular,  I  must  own, 
we  are  both  unjust  and  ungrateful  to  the  Scotch ;  for,  as  far 
as  I  am  able  to  judge,  they  have  a  real  esteem  for  the  natives 
of  South  Britain ;  and  never  mention  our  country,  but  with 
expressions  of  regard.  Nevertheless,  they  are  far  from  being 
servile  imitators  of  our  modes  and  fashionable  vices.  All 
their  customs  and  regulations  of  public  and  private  economy, 
of  business  and  diversion,  are  in  their  own  style.  This  re- 
markably predominates  in  their  looks,  their  dress,  and  man- 
ner, their  music,  and  even  their  cookery.  Our  squire  de- 
clares, that  he  knows  not  another  people  upon  earth  so 
strongly  marked  with  a  national  character. 

Now  we  are  upon  the  article  of  cookery,  I  must  own,  some 

232 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

of  their  dishes  are  savoury,  and  even  delicate ;  but  I  am  not 
yet  Scotchman  enough  to  relish  their  singed  sheep's  head 
and  haggis,  which  were  provided,  at  our  request,  one  day 
at  Mr.  Mitchelson's,  where  we  dined.  The  first  put  me  in 
mind  of  the  history  of  Congo,  in  which  I  had  read  of  negroes' 
heads  sold  publicly  in  the  markets ;  the  last,  being  a  mess  of 
minced  lights,  livers,  suet,  oatmeal,  onions,  and  pepper,  en- 
closed in  a  sheep's  stomach,  had  a  very  sudden  effect  upon 
mine,  and  the  delicate  Mrs.  Tabby  changed  colour ;  when  the 
cause  of  our  disgust  was  instantaneously  removed  at  the  nod 
of  our  entertainer.  The  Scotch  in  general  are  attached  to 
this  composition  with  a  sort  of  national  fondness,  as  well  as 
to  their  oat-meal  bread ;  which  is  presented  at  every  table, 
in  thin  triangular  cakes,  baked  upon  a  plate  of  iron,  called  a 
girdle ;  and  these  many  of  the  natives,  even  in  the  higher 
ranks  of  life,  prefer  to  wheaten  bread,  which  they  have  here 
in  perfection.  You  know  we  used  to  vex  poor  Murray  of 
Balliol  College,  by  asking,  if  there  was  really  no  fruit  but 
turnips  in  Scotland.  Sure  enough,  I  have  seen  turnips  make 
their  appearance,  not  as  a  dessert,  but  by  way  of  hors 
d'ccHvres,  or  whets,  as  radishes  are  served  up  betwixt  more 
substantial  dishes  in  France  and  Italy ;  but  it  must  be  ob- 
served, that  the  turnips  of  this  country  are  as  much  superior 
in  sweetness,  delicacy,  and  flavour,  to  those  of  England,  as  a 
musk-mellon  is  to  the  stock  of  a  common  cabbage.  They 
are  small  and  conical,  of  a  yellowish  colour,  with  a  very  thin 
skin ;  and,  over  and  above  their  agreeable  taste,  are  valuable 
for  their  antiscorbutic  quality.  As  to  the  fruit  now  in  season, 
such  as  cherries,  gooseberries,  and  currants,  there  is  no  want 
of  them  at  Edinburgh ;  and  in  the  gardens  of  some  gentle- 
men, who  live  in  this  neighbourhood,  there  is  now  a  very 
favourable  appearance  of  apricots,  peaches,  nectarines,  and  « 
even  grapes,  nay,  I  have  seen  a  very  fine  show  of  pine- 
apples within  a  few  miles  of  this  metropolis.  Indeed,  we 
have  no  reason  to  be  surprised  at  these  particulars,  when  we 
consider  how  little  difference  there  is,  in  fact,  betwixt  this 
climate  and  that  of  London. 

All  the  remarkable  places  in  the  city  and  its  avenues,  for 
ten  miles  around,  we  have  visited  much  to  our  satisfaction. 
In  the  castle  are  some  royal  apartments,  where  the  sovereign 

233 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

occasionally  resided ;  and  here  are  carefully  preserved  the 
regalia  of  the  kingdom,  consisting  of  a  crown,  said  to  be  of 
great  value,  a  sceptre,  and  a  sword  of  state,  adorned  with 
jewels.  Of  these  symbols  of  sovereignty,  the  people  are  ex- 
ceedingly jealous.  A  report  being  spread,  during  the  sitting 
of  the  Union  parliament,  that  they  were  removed  to  London, 
such  a  tumult  arose,  that  the  Lord  Commissioner  would  have 
been  torn  in  pieces,  if  he  had  not  produced  them  for  the  sat- 
isfaction of  the  populace. 

The  palace  of  Holyrood  House  is  an  elegant  piece  of  archi- 
tecture, but  sunk  in  an  obscure,  and,  as  I  take  it,  unwhole- 
some bottom,  where  one  would  imagine  it  had  been  placed 
on  purpose  to  be  concealed.  The  apartments  are  lofty,  but 
unfurnished ;  and  as  for  the  pictures  of  the  Scottish  kings, 
from  Fergus  i.  to  King  WilHam,  they  are  paltry  daublings, 
mostly  by  the  same  hand,  painted  either  from  the  imagina- 
tion, or  porters  hired  to  sit  for  the  purpose.  All  the  diver- 
sions of  London  we  enjoy  at  Edinburgh,  in  a  small  compass. 
Here  is  a  well-conducted  concert,  in  which  several  gentlemen 
perform  on  different  instruments.  The  Scotch  are  all  musi- 
cians. Every  man  you  meet  plays  on  the  flute,  the  vioHn,  or 
violoncello ;  and  there  is  one  nobleman,  whose  compositions 
are  universally  admired.  Our  company  of  actors  is  very  tol- 
erable ;  and  a  subscription  is  now  on  foot  for  building  a  new 
theatre.  But  their  assemblies  please  me  above  all  other  pub- 
lic exhibitions. 

We  have  been  at  the  hunters'  ball,  where  I  was  really  as- 
tonished to  see  such  a  number  of  fine  women.  The  English, 
who  have  never  crossed  the  Tweed,  imagine  erroneously, 
that  the  Scotch  ladies  are  not  remarkable  for  personal  at- 
tractions ;  but  I  can  declare  with  a  safe  conscience,  I  never 
saw  so  many  handsome  females  together  as  were  assembled 
on  this  occasion.  At  the  Leith  races,  the  best  company 
comes  hither  from  the  remoter  provinces ;  so  that,  I  suppose, 
we  had  all  the  beauty  of  the  kingdom  concentrated  as  it  were 
into  one  focus ;  which  was  indeed  so  vehement,  that  my  heart 
could  hardly  resist  its  power.  Between  friends,  it  has  sus- 
tained some  damage  from  the  bright  eyes  of  the  charming 
Miss  R — n,  whom  I  had  the  honour  to  dance  with  at  the 
ball.    The  Countess  of  Melville  attracted  all  eyes,  and  the 

234 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

admiration  of  all  present.  She  was  accompanied  by  the 
agreeable  Miss  Grieve,  who  made  many  conquests;  nor  did 
my  sister  Liddy  pass  unnoticed  in  the  assembly.  She  is  be- 
come a  toast  at  Edinburgh,  by  the  name  of  the  Fair  Cam- 
brian, and  has  already  been  the  occasion  of  much  wine-shed 
— but  the  poor  girl  met  with  an  accident  at  the  ball,  which 
has  given  us  great  disturbance. 

A  young  gentleman,  the  express  image  of  that  rascal  Wil- 
son, went  up  to  ask  her  to  dance  a  minuet ;  and  his  sudden 
appearance  shocked  her  so  much,  that  she  fainted  away.  I 
call  Wilson  a  rascal,  because,  if  he  had  been  really  a  gentle- 
man, with  honourable  intentions,  he  would  have,  ere  now, 
appeared  in  his  own.character.  I  must  own,  my  blood  boils 
with  indignation  when  I  think  of  that  fellow's  presumption ; 
and  Heaven  confound  me  if  I  don't — But  I  won't  be  so 
womanish  as  to  rail — Time  will,  perhaps,  furnish  occasion — 
Thank  God,  the  cause  of  Liddy 's  disorder  remains  a  secret. 
The  lady-directress  of  the  ball,  thinking  she  was  overcome 
by  the  heat  of  the  place,  had  her  conveyed  to  another  room, 
where  she  soon  recovered  so  well,  as  to  return  and  join  in 
the  country-dances,  in  which  the  Scotch  lasses  acquit  them- 
selves with  such  spirit  and  agility,  as  put  their  partners  to  the 
height  of  their  mettle. 

I  ^believed  our  aunt,  Mrs.  Tabitha,  had  entertained  hopes 
of  being  able  to  do  some  execution  among  the  cavaliers  at 
this  assembly.  She  had  been  several  days  in  consultation  with 
milliners  and  mantua-makers,  preparing  for  the  occasion,  at 
which  she  made  her  appearance  in  a  full  suit  of  damask,  so 
thick  and  heavy,  that  the  sight  of  it  alone,  at  this  season  of 
the  year,  was  sufficient  to  draw  drops  of  sweat  from  any  man 
of  ordinary  imagination.  She  danced  one  minuet  with  our 
friend  Mr.  Mitchelson,  who  favoured  her  so  far,  in  the  spirit 
of  hospitality  and  politeness ;  and  she  was  called  out  a  second 
time  by  the  young  laird  of  Balymawhaple,  who,  coming  in 
by  accident,  could  not  readily  find  any  other  partner;  but  as 
the  first  was  a  married  man,  and  the  second  paid  no  particu- 
lar homage  to  her  charms,  which  were  also  overlooked  by  the 
rest  of  the  company,  she  became  dissatisfied  and  censorious. 
At  supper,  she  observed  that  the  Scotch  gentlemen  made  a 
very  good  figure,  when  they  were  a  little  improved  by  trav- 

235 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

elling ;  and,  therefore,  it  was  a  pity  they  did  not  all  take  the 
benefit  of  going  abroad.  She  said  the  women  were  awkward 
masculine  creatures ;  that,  in  dancing,  they  lifted  their  legs 
like  so  many  colts ;  that  they  had  no  idea  of  graceful  motion ; 
and  put  on  their  clothes  in  a  frightful  manner ;  but  if  the  truth 
must  be  told,  Tabby  herself  was  the  most  ridiculous  figure, 
and  the  worst  dressed  of  the  whole  assembly.  The  neglect  of 
the  male  sex  rendered  her  malcontent  and  peevish;  she  now 
found  fault  with  everything  at  Edinburgh,  and  teased  her 
brother  to  leave  the  place,  when  she  was  suddenly  reconciled 
to  it  on  a  religious  consideration.  There  is  a  sect  of  fanatics, 
who  have  separated  themselves  from  the  Established  Kirk, 
under  the  name  of  Seceders.  They  acknowledge  no  earthly 
head  of  the  Church,  reject  lay  patronage,  and  maintain  the 
Methodist  doctrines  of  the  new  birth,  the  new  light,  and  the 
efficacy  of  grace,  the  insufficiency  of  works,  and  the  opera- 
tions of  the  Spirit.  Mrs.  Tabitha,  attended  by  Humphry 
Clinker,  was  introduced  to  one  of  their  conventicles,  where 
they  both  received  much  edification ;  and  she  has  had  the  good 
fortune  to  become  acquainted  with  a  pious  Christian,  called 
Mr.  Moffat,  who  is  very  powerful  in  prayer,  and  often  assists 
her  in  private  exercises  of  devotion. 

I.  never  saw  such  a  concourse  of  genteel  company  at  any 
races  in  England,  as  appeared  on  the  course  of  Leith.  Hard 
by,  in  the  fields  called  the  Links,  the  citizens  of  Edinburgh 
divert  themselves  at  a  game  called  golf,  in  which  they  use  a 
curious  kind  of  bats  tipt  with  horn,  and  small  elastic  balls  of 
leather,  stufifed  with  feathers,  rather  less  than  tennis-balls,  but 
of  a  much  harder  consistence.  These  they  strike  with  such 
force  and  dexterity  from  one  hole  to  another,  that  they  will 
fly  to  an  incredible  distance.  Of  this  diversion  the  Scotch  are 
so  fond,  that,  when  the  weather  will  permit,  you  may  see  a 
multitude  of  all  ranks,  from  the  senator  of  justice  to  the 
lowest  tradesman,  mingled  together  in  their  shirts,  and  fol- 
lowing the  balls  with  the  utmost  eagerness.  Among  others, 
I  was  shown  one  particular  set  of  golfers,  the  youngest  of 
whom  was  turned  of  fourscore.  They  were  all  gentlemen  of 
independent  fortunes,  who  had  amused  themselves  with  this 
pastime  for  the  best  part  of  a  century,  without  having  ever 
felt  the  least  alarm  from  sickness  or  disgust;  and  they  never 

236 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

went  to  bed  without  having  each  the  best  part  of  a  gallon  of 
claret  in  his  belly.  Such  uninterrupted  exercise,  co-operating 
with  the  keen  air  from  the  sea,  must,  without  all  doubt,  keep 
the  appetite  always  on  edge,  and  steel  the  constitution  against 
all  the  common  attacks  of  distemper. 

The  Leith  races  gave  occasion  to  another  entertainment  of 
a  very  singular  nature.  There  is  at  Edinburgh  a  society  or 
corporation  of  errand-boys  called  cadies,  who  ply  in  the 
streets  at  night  with  paper  lanterns,  and  are  very  serviceable 
in  carrying  messages.  These  fellows,  though  shabby  in  their 
appearance,  and  rudely  familiar  in  their  address,  are  wonder- 
fully acute,  and  so  noted  for  fidelity,  that  there  is  no  instance 
of  a  cadie's  having  betrayed  his  trust.  Such  is  their  intelli- 
gence, that  they  know  not  only  every  individual  of  the  place, 
but  also  every  stranger,  by  the  time  he  has  been  four-and- 
twenty  hours  in  Edinburgh ;  and  no  transaction,  even  the  most 
private,  can  escape  their  notice.  They  are  particularly  famous 
for  their  dexterity  in  executing  one  of  the  functions  of  Mer- 
cury ;  though  for  my  own  part  I  never  employed  them  in  this 
department  of  business.  Had  I  occasion  for  any  service  of 
this  nature,  my  own  man  Archy  M'Alpin,  is  as  well  qualified 
as  e'er  a  cadie  in  Edinburgh ;  and  I  am  much  mistaken,  if  he 
has  not  been  heretofore  of  their  fraternity.  Be  that  as  it  may, 
they  resolved  to  give  a  dinner  and  a  ball  at  Leith,  to  which 
they  foiTnally  invited  all  the  young  noblemen  and  gentlemen 
that  were  at  the  races;  and  this  invitation  was  reinforced  by 
an  assurance,  that  all  the  celebrated  ladies  of  pleasure  would 
grace  the  entertainment  with  their  company.  I  received  a 
card  on  this  occasion,  and  went  thither  with  half  a  dozen  of 
my  acquaintance. 

In  a  large  hall,  the  cloth  was  laid  on  a  long  range  of  tables 
joined  together,  and  here  the  company  seated  themselves  to 
the  number  of  about  fourscore,  lords  and  lairds,  and  other 
gentlemen,  courtezans  and  cadies,  mingled  together,  as  the 
slaves  and  their  masters  were  in  the  time  of  the  Saturnalia  in 
ancient  Rome.  The  toastmaster,  who  sat  at  the  upper  end, 
was  one  Cadie  Eraser,  a  veteran  pimp,  distinguished  for  his 
humour  and  sagacity,  well  known  and  much  respected  in  his 
profession  by  all  the  guests,  male  and  female,  that  were  here 
assembled.     He  had  bespoke  the  dinner  and  the  wine.     He 

237. 


THE  EXPEDITION  OK 

had  taken  care  that  all  his  brethren  should  appear  in  decent 
apparel  and  clean  linen;  and  he  himself  wore  a  periwig  with 
three  tails,  in  honour  of  the  festival.  I  assure  you  the  ban- 
quet was  both  elegant  and  plentiful,  and  seasoned  with  a 
thousand  sallies,  that  promoted  a  general  spirit  of  mirth  and 
good-humour. 

After  the  dessert,  Mr.  Eraser  proposed  the  following  toasts, 
which  I  don't  pretend  to  explain : — "  The  best  in  Christen- 
dom."— "  Gibb's  contract.'"' — "  The  beggar's  benison." — 
"  King  and  kirk." — "'  Great  Britain  and  Ireland."  Then,  fill- 
ing a  bumper,  and  turning  to  me,  "  Mester  Malford,"  said  he, 
"  may  a'  unkindness  cease  betwixt  John  Bull  and  his  sister 
Moggy." — The  next  person  he  singled  out,  was  a  nobleman 
who  had  been  long  abroad.  ''  Ma  lord,"  cried  Eraser,  "  here 
is  a  bumper  to  a'  those  noblemen  who  have  virtue  enough  to 
spend  their  rents  in  their  ain  coontray."  He  afterwards  ad- 
dressed himself  to  a  member  of  parliament  in  these  words: 

"  Mester I'm  sure  ye'll  ha'  nae  objection  to  my  drinking, 

Disgrace  and  dool  to  ilka  Scot,  that  sells  his  conscience  and 
his  vote."  He  discharged  a  third  sarcasm  at  a  person  very 
gaily  dressed,  who  had  risen  from  small  beginnings,  and  made 
a  considerable  fortune  at  play.  Filling  his  glass,  and  calling 
him  by  name,  "  Lang  life,"  said  he,  "  to  the  wylie  loon  that 
gangs  afield  with  a  toom  poke  at  his  lunzie,  and  comes  hame 
with  a  sackful  o'  siller."  All  these  toasts  being  received  with 
loud  bursts  of  applause,  Mr.  Eraser  called  for  pint  glasses, 
and  filled  his  own  to  the  brim.  Then  standing  up,  and  all  his 
brethren  following  his  example,  "  Ma  lords  and  gentlemen," 
cried  he,  "  here  is  a  cup  of  thanks  for  the  great  and  unde- 
served honour  you  have  done  your  poor  errand-boys  this 
day."  So  saying,  he  and  they  drank  off  their  glasses  in  a 
trice,  and,  quitting  their  seats,  took  their  station  each  behind 
one  of  the  other  guests ;  exclaiming,  "  Noo  we're  your  hon- 
ours' cadies  again." 

The  nobleman  who  had  bor[n]e  the  first  brunt  of  Mr. 
Fraser's  satire,  objected  to  his  abdication.  He  said,  as  the 
company  was  assembled  by  invitation  from  the  cadies,  he  ex- 
pected they  were  to  be  entertained  at  their  expense.  "  By  no 
means,  my  lord,"  cried  Eraser,  "  I  wadna  be  guilty  of  sic 
presumption  for  the  wide  warld — I  never  affronted  a  gentle- 

238 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

man  since  I  was  born;  and  sure,  at  this  age,  I  wonnot  offer 
an  indignity  to  sic  an  honourable  convention." — **  Well,"  said 
his  lordship,  "  as  you  have  expended  some  wit,  you  have  a 
right  to  save  your  money.  You  have  given  me  good  counsel, 
and  I  take  it  in  good  part.  As  you  have  voluntarily  quitted 
your  seat,  I  will  take  your  place  with  the  leave  of  the  good 
company,  and  think  myself  happy  to  be  hailed,  Father  of  the 
Feast."  He  was  forthwith  elected  into  the  chair,  and  com- 
plimented in  a  bumper  in  his  new  character. 

The  claret  continued  to  circulate  without  interruption,  till 
the  glasses  seemed  to  dance  upon  the  table ;  and  this,  perhaps, 
was  a  hint  to  the  ladies  to  call  for  music.  At  eight  in  the 
evening  the  ball  began  in  another  apartment.  At  midnight 
we  went  to  supper;  but  it  was  broad  day  before  I  found  the 
way  to  my  lodgings ;  and,  no  doubt,  his  lordship  had  a  swinge- 
ing bill  to  discharge. 

In  short,  I  have  lived  so  riotously  for  some  weeks,  that  my 
uncle  begins  to  be  alarmed  on  the  score  of  my  constitution, 
and  very  seriously  observes,  that  all  his  own  infirmities  are 
owing  to  such  excesses  indulged  in  his  youth.  Mrs.  Tabitha 
says  it  would  be  more  for  the  advantage  of  my  soul  as 
well  as  body,  if,  instead  of  frequenting  these  scenes  of 
debauchery,  I  would  accompany  Mr.  Moffat  and  her  to  hear 
a  sermon  of  the  Reverend  Mr.  M'Corkendale.  Clinker  often 
exhorts  me,  with  a  groan,  to  take  care  of  my  precious  health ; 
and  even  Archy  M'Alpin,  when  he  happens  to  be  overtaken 
(which  is  oftener  the  case  than  I  could  wish),  reads  me  a 
long  lecture  upon  temperance  and  sobriety ;  and  is  so  very 
wise  and  sententious,  that  if  I  could  provide  him  with  a  pro- 
fessor's chair,  I  would  willingly  give  up  the  benefit  of  his 
admonitions  and  service  together;  for  I  was  tutor-sick  at 
Alma  Mater. 

I  am  not,  however,  so  much  engrossed  by  the  gaieties  of 
Edinburgh,  but  that  I  find  time  to  make  parties  in  the  family 
way.  We  have  not  only  seen  all  the  villas  and  villages  within 
ten  miles  of  the  capital,  but  we  have  also  crossed  the  Frith, 
which  is  an  arm  of  the  sea  seven  miles  broad,  that  divides 
Lothian  from  the  shire,  or,  as  the  Scotch  call  it.  The  kingdom 
of  Fife.  There  is  a  number  of  large  open  sea  boats  that  ply 
on  this  passage  from  Leith  to  Kinghorn,  which  is  a  borough 

239 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

on  the  other  side.  In  one  of  these  our  whole  family  em- 
barked three  days  ago,  excepting  my  sister,  who,  being  ex- 
ceedingly fearful  of  the  water,  was  left  to  the  care  of  Mrs. 
Mitchelson.  We  had  an  easy  and  quick  passage  into  Fife, 
where  we  visited  a  number  of  poor  towns  on  the  seaside,  in- 
cluding St.  Andrews,  which  is  the  skeleton  of  a  venerable 
city;  but  we  were  much  better  pleased  with  some  noble  and 
elegant  seats  and  castles,  of  which  there  is  a  great  number  in 
that  part  of  Scotland. 

Yesterday  we  took  boat  again  on  our  return  to  Leith,  with 
a  fair  wind  and  agreeable  weather;  but  we  had  not  advanced 
half-way,  when  the  sky  was  suddenly  overcast,  and  the  wind 
changing,  blew  directly  in  our  teeth ;  so  that  we  were  obliged 
to  turn,  or  tack,  the  rest  of  the  way.  In  a  word,  the  gale  in- 
creased to  a  storm  of  wind  and  rain,  attended  with  such  a  fog, 
that  we  could  not  see  the  town  of  Leith,  to  which  we  were 
bound,  nor  even  the  castle  of  Edinburgh,  notwithstanding  its 
high  situation.  It  is  not  to  be  doubted  but  that  we  were  all 
alanned  on  this  occasion.  And,  at  the  same  time,  most  of  the 
passengers  were  seized  with  a  nausea  that  produced  violent 
retchings.  My  aunt  desired  her  brother  to  order  the  boatmen 
to  put  back  to  Kinghorn,  and  this  expedient  he  actually  pro- 
posed ;  but  they  assured  him  there  was  no  danger.  Airs. 
Tabitha  finding  them  obstinate,  began  to  scold,  and  insisted 
upon  my  uncle's  exerting  his  authority  as  a  justice  of  the 
peace.  Sick  and  peevish  as  he  was,  he  could  not  help  laugh- 
ing at  this  wise  proposal,  telling  her,  that  his  commission  did 
not  extend  so  far,  and,  if  it  did,  he  should  let  the  people  take 
their  own  way ;  for  he  thought  it  would  be  great  presumption 
in  him  to  direct  them  in  the  exercise  of  their  own  profession. 
Mrs.  Winifred  Jenkins  made  a  general  clearance,  with  the 
assistance  of  Mr.  Humphry  Clinker,  who  joined  her  both  in 
prayer  and  ejaculation.  As  he  took  it  for  granted  that  we 
should  not  be  long  in  this  world,  he  offered  some  spiritual  con- 
solation to  Mrs.  Tabitha,  who  rejected  it  with  great  disgust, 
bidding  him  keep  his  sermons  for  those  who  had  leisure  to 
hear  such  nonsense.  My  uncle  sat,  recollected  in  himself, 
without  speaking;  my  man  Archy  had  recourse  to  a  brandy 
bottle,  with  which  he  made  so  free,  that  I  imagined  he  had 
sworn  to  die  of  drinking  anything  rather  than  sea- water;  but 

240 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

the  brandy  had  no  more  effect  upon  him  in  the  way  of  in- 
toxication, than  if  it  had  been  sea-water  in  good  earnest. 
As  for  myself,  I  was  too  much  engrossed  by  the  sickness  at 
my  stomach,  to  think  of  anything  else. 

Meanwhile,  the  sea  swelled  mountains  high;  the  boat 
pitched  with  such  violence,  as  if  it  had  been  going  to  pieces; 
the  cordage  rattled,  the  wind  roared,  the  lightning  flashed, 
the  thunder  bellowed,  and  the  rain  descended  in  a  deluge. 
Every  time  the  vessel  was  put  about,  we  shipped  a  sea  that 
drenched  us  all  to  the  skin.  When,  by  dint  of  turning,  we 
thought  to  have  cleared  the  pier-head,  we  were  driven  to  lee- 
ward, and  then  the  boatmen  themselves  began  to  fear  that  the 
tide  would  fail  before  we  should  fetch  up  our  lee  way;  the 
next  trip,  however,  brought  us  into  smooth  water,  and  we 
were  safely  landed  on  the  quay  about  one  o'clock  in  the  after- 
noon. "  To  be  sure,"  cried  Tabby,  when  she  found  herself  on 
terra  Hrrna,  "  we  must  all  have  perished,  if  we  had  not  been 
the  particular  care  of  Providence." — "  Yes,''  replied  my  uncle, 
"  but  I  am  much  of  the  honest  Highlander's  mind ;  after  he 
had  made  such  a  passage  as  this,  his  friend  told  him  he  was 
much  indebted  to  Providence." — "  Certainly,"  said  Donald ; 
"  but,  by  my  saul,  mon,  I'ese  ne'er  trouble  Providence  again, 
so  long  as  the  brig  of  Stirling  stands."  You  must  know,  the 
brig,  or  bridge  of  Stirling,  stands  about  twenty  miles  up  the 
river  Forth,  of  which  this  is  the  outlet.  I  don't  find  that  our 
squire  has  suffered  in  his  health  from  this  adventure;  but 
poor  Liddy  is  in  a  peaking  way.  I'm  afraid  this  unfortunate 
girl  is  uneasy  in  her  mind ;  and  this  apprehension  distracts  me, 
for  she  is  really  an  amiable  creature. 

We  shall  set  out  to-morrow  or  next  day  for  Stirling  and 
Glasgow ;  and  we  propose  to  penetrate  a  little  way  into  the 
Highlands,  before  we  turn  our  course  to  the  southward.  In 
the  meantime,  commend  me  to  all  our  friends  round  Carfax, 
and  believe  me  to  be  ever  yours,  J.  Melford. 

Edinr.  Aug.  8. 


To  Dr.  Lewis. 

I  SHOULD  be  very  ungrateful,  dear  Lewis,  if  I  did  not  find 
myself  disposed  to  think  and  speak  favourably  of  this  people, 

1  e  241 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

among  whom  I  have  met  with  more  kindness,  hospitality,  and 
rational  entertainment,  in  a  few  weeks,  than  ever  I  received 
in  any  other  country  during  the  whole  course  of  my  life. 
Perhaps  the  gratitude  excited  by  these  benefits  may  interfere 
with  the  impartiality  of  my  remarks ;  for  a  man  is  as  apt  to  be 
prepossessed  by  particular  favours,  as  to  be  prejudiced  by  pri- 
vate motives  of  disgust.  If  I  am  partial,  there  is  at  least  some 
merit  in  my  conversion  from  illiberal  prejudices  which  had 
grown  up  with  my  constitution. 

The  first  impressions  which  an  Englishman  receives  in  this 
country,  will  not  contribute  to  the  removal  of  his  prejudices; 
because  he  refers  everything  he  sees  to  a  comparison  with  the 
same  articles  in  his  own  country;  and  this  comparison  is  un- 
favourable to  Scotland  in  all  its  exteriors,  such  as,  the  face  of 
the  country  in  respect  to  cultivation,  the  appearance  of  the 
bulk  of  the  people,  and  the  language  of  conversation  in  gen- 
eral. I  am  not  so  far  convinced  by  Mr.  Lismahago's  argu- 
ments, but  that  I  think  the  Scotch  would  do  well,  for  their 
own  sakes,  to  adopt  the  English  idioms  and  pronunciation; 
those  of  them  especially  who  are  resolved  to  push  their  for- 
tunes in  South  Britain.  I  know,  by  experience,  how  easily  an 
Englishman  is  influenced  by  the  ear,  and  how  apt  he  is  to 
laugh,  when  he  hears  his  own  language  spoken  with  a  foreign 
or  provincial  accent.  I'have  known  a  member  of  the  House 
of  Commons  speak  with  great  energy  and  precision,  without 
being  able  to  engage  attention,  because  his  observations  were 
made  in  the  Scotch  dialect,  which  (no  offence  to  Lieutenant 
Lismahago)  certainly  gives  a  clownish  air  even  to  sentiments 
of  the  greatest  dignity  and  decorum.  I  have  declared  my 
opinion  on  this  head  to  some  of  the  most  sensible  men  of  this 
country,  observing,  at  the  same  time,  that  if  they  would  em- 
ploy a  few  natives  of  England  to  teach  the  pronunciation  of 
our  vernacular  tongue,  in  twenty  years  there  would  be  no 
difference,  in  point  of  dialect,  between  the  youth  of  Edin- 
burgh and  of  London. 

The  civil  regulations  of  this  kingdom  and  metropolis  are 
taken  from  very  different  models  from  those  of  England,  ex- 
cept in  a  few  particular  establishments,  the  necessary  conse- 
quences of  the  Union.  Their  college  of  justice  is  a  bench  of 
great  dignity,  filled  with  judges  of  character  and  ability.     I 

-342 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

have  heard  some  causes  tried  before  this  venerable  tribunal ; 
and  was  very  much  pleased  with  the  pleadings  of  their  advo- 
cates, who  are  by  no  means  deficient  either  in  argument  or 
elocution.  The  Scottish  legislation  is  founded,  in  a  great 
measure,  on  the  civil  law ;  consequently,  their  proceedings 
vary  from  those  of  the  English  tribunals ;  but^  I  think,  they 
have  the  advantage  of  us  in  their  method  of  examining  wit- 
nesses apart,  and  in  the  constitution  of  their  jury ;  by  which 
they  certainly  avoid  the  evil  which  I  mentioned  in  my  last 
from  Lismahago's  observation. 

The  University  of  Edinburgh  is  supplied  with  excellent 
professors  in  all  the  sciences ;  and  the  medical  school,  in  par- 
ticular, is  famous  all  over  Europe.  The  students  of  this  art 
have  the  best  opportunity  of  learning  it  to  perfection,  in  all 
its  branches,  as  there  are  different  courses  for  the  theory 
of  medicine,  and  the  practice  of  medicine;  for  anatomy,  chem- 
istry, botany,  and  the  inateria  medica,  over  and  above  those  of 
mathematics  and  experimental  philosophy;  and  all  these  are 
given  by  men  of  distinguished  talents.  What  renders  this 
part  of  education  still  more  complete,  is  the  advantage  of 
attending  the  Infirmary,  which  is  the  best  instituted  charita- 
ble foundation  that  I  ever  knew.  Now  we  are  talking  of 
charities,  here  are  several  hospitals,  exceedingly  well  en- 
dowed, and  maintained  under  admirable  regulations ;  and 
these  are  not  only  useful,  but  ornamental  to  the  city. 
Among  these,  I  shall  only  mention  the  general  workhouse, 
in  which  all  the  poor,  not  otherwise  provided  for,  are  em- 
ployed, according  to  their  different  abilities,  with  such  judg- 
ment and  effect,  that  they  nearly  maintain  themselves  by 
their  labour,  and  there  is  not  a  beggar  to  be  seen  within  the 
precincts  of  this  metropolis.  It  was  Glasgow  that  set  the 
example  of  this  establishment,  about  thirty  years  ago.  Even 
the  Kirk  of  Scotland,  so  long  reproached  with  fanaticism 
and  canting,  abounds  at  present  with  ministers  celebrated  for 
their  learning,  and  respectable  for  their  moderation.  I  have 
heard  their  sermons  with  equal  astonishment  and  pleasure. 
The  good  people  of  Edinburgh  no  longer  think  dirt  and  cob- 
webs essential  to  the  house  of  God.  Some  of  their  churches 
have  admitted  such  ornaments  as  would  have  excited  sedi- 
tion even  in  England,  a  Httle  more  than  a  century  ago ;  and 

243 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

psalmody  is  here  practised  and  taught  by  a  professor  from 
the  cathedral  of  Durham.  I  should  not  be  surprised,  in  a 
few  years,  to  hear  it  accompanied  with  an  organ. 

Edinburgh  is  a  hot-bed  of  genius.  I  have  had  the  good 
fortune  to  be  made  acquainted  with  many  authors  of  the 
first  distinction;  such  as  the  two  Humes,  Robertson,  Smith, 
Wallace,  Blair,  Ferguson,  Wilkie,  etc.,  and  I  have  found 
them  all  as  agreeable  in  conversation  as  they  are  instructive 
and  entertaining  in  their  writings.  These  acquaintances  I 
owe  to  the  friendship  of  Dr.  Carlyle,  who  wants  nothing  but 
inclination  to  figure  with  the  rest  upon  paper.  The  magis- 
tracy of  Edinburgh  is  changed  every  year  by  election,  and 
seems  to  be  very  well  adapted  both  for  state  and  authority. 
The  Lord  Provost  is  equal  in  dignity  to  the  Lord  Mayor  of 
London;  and  the  four  Bailies  are  equivalent  to  the  rank  of 
Aldermen.  There  is  a  Dean  of  Guild,  who  takes  cognisance 
of  mercantile  affairs ;  a  Treasurer,  a  Town  Clerk ;  and  the 
Council  is  composed  of  Deacons,  one  of  whom  is  returned 
every  year  in  rotation,  as  representative  of  every  company  of 
artificers  or  handicraftsmen. 

Though  this  city,  from  the  nature  of  its  situation,  can 
never  be  made  either  very  convenient  or  very  cleanly,  it  has 
nevertheless  an  air  of  magnificence  that  commands  respect. 
The  castle  is  an  instance  of  the  sublime  in  site  and  architec- 
ture. Its  fortifications  are  kept  in  good  order  and  there  is 
always  in  it  a  garrison  of  regular  soldiers,  which  is  relieved 
every  year;  but  it  is  incapable  of  sustaining  a  siege  carried 
on  according  to  the  modern  operations  of  war.  The  Castle 
Hill,  which  extends  from  the  outward  gate  to  the  upper  end 
of  the  High  Street,  is  used  as  a  public  walk  for  citizens,  and 
commands  a  prospect,  equally  extensive  and  delightful,  over 
the  county  of  Fife  on  the  other  side  of  the  Frith,  and  all 
along  the  sea-coast,  which  is  covered  with  a  succession  of 
towns  that  would  seem  to  indicate  a  considerable  share  of 
commerce ;  but  if  the  truth  must  be  told,  these  towns  have 
been  falling  to  decay  ever  since  the  Union,  by  which  the 
Scotch  were  in  a  great  measure  deprived  of  their  trade  with 
France.  The  palace  of  Holyrood  House  is  a  jewel  in  archi- 
tecture, thrust  into  a  hollow,  where  it  cannot  be  seen ;  a  sit- 
uation which  was  certainly  not  chosen  by  the  ingenious  ar- 

244 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

chitect,  who  must  have  been  confined  to  the  site  of  the  old 
palace,  which  was  a  convent.  Edinburgh  is  considerably 
extended  on  the  south  side,  where  there  are  divers  little 
elegant  squares  built  in  the  English  manner;  and  the  citi- 
zens have  planned  some  improvements  on  the  north,  which, 
when  put  in  execution,  will  add  greatly  to  the  beauty  and 
convenience  of  this  capital. 

The  seaport  is  Leith,  a  flourishing  town,  about  a  mile  from 
the  city,  in  the  harbour  of  which  I  have  seen  above  one  hun- 
dred ships  lying  all  together.  You  must  know  I  had  the 
curiosity  to  cross  the  Frith  in  a  passage-boat,  and  stayed  two 
days  in  Fife,  which  is  remarkably  fruitful  in  corn,  and  exhib- 
its a  surprising  number  of  fine  seats,  elegantly  built  and  mag- 
nificently furnished.  There  is  an  incredible  number  of  noble 
houses  in  every  part  of  Scotland,  that  I  have  seen — Dalkeith, 
Pinkie,  Yester,  and  Lord  Hopetoun's,  all  of  them  within  four 
or  five  miles  of  Edinburgh,  are  princely  palaces,  in  every  one 
of  which  a  sovereign  might  reside  at  his  ease.  I  suppose  the 
Scotch  affect  these  monuments  of  grandeur.  If  I  may  be 
allowed  to  mingle  censure  with  my  remarks  upon  a  people 
I  revere,  I  must  observe,  that  their  weak  side  seems  to  be 
vanity.  I  am  afraid  that  even  their  hospitality  is  not  quite 
free  of  ostentation.  I  think  I  have  discovered  among  them 
uncommon  pains  taken  to  display  their  fine  linen,  of  which 
indeed  they  have  great  plenty,  their  furniture,  plate,  house- 
keeping, and  variety  of  wines,  in  which  article,  it  must  be 
owned,  they  are  profuse,  if  not  prodigal.  A  burgher  of  Ed- 
inburgh, not  content  to  vie  with  a  citizen  of  London,  who 
has  ten  times  his  fortune,  must  excel  him  in  the  expense  as 
well  as  elegance  of  his  entertainments. 

Though  the  villas  of  the  Scotch  nobility  and  gentry 
have  generally  an  air  of  grandeur  and  state,  I  think  their 
gardens  and  parks  are  not  comparable  to  those  of  England ; 
a  circumstance  the  more  remarkable,  as  I  was  told  by  the 
ingenious  Mr.  Philip  Miller  of  Chelsea,  that  almost  all  the 
gardeners  of  South  Britain  were  natives  of  Scotland.  The 
verdure  of  this  country  is  not  equal  to  that  of  England.  The 
pleasure-grounds  are,  in  my  opinion,  not  so  well  laid  out  ac- 
cording to  the  ge7iius  loci;  nor  are  the  lawns,  and  walks,  and 
hedges  kept  in  such  delicate  order.    The  trees  are  planted  in 

245 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

prudish  rows,  which  have  not  such  an  agreeable  natural  ef- 
fect, as  when  they  are  thrown  into  irregular  groups,  with 
intervening  glades;  and  the  firs,  which  they  generally  raise 
around  their  houses,  look  dull  and  funereal  in  the  summer 
season.  I  must  confess,  indeed,  that  they  yield  serviceable 
timber,  and  good  shelter  against  the  northern  blasts;  that 
they  grow  and  thrive  in  the  most  barren  soil,  and  continually 
perspire  a  fine  balsam  of  turpentine,  which  must  render  the 
air  very  salutary  and  sanative  to  lungs  of  a  tender  texture. 

Tabby  and  I  have  been  both  frightened  in  our  return  by 
sea  from  the  coast  of  Fife.  She  was  afraid  of  drowning,  and 
I  of  catching  cold,  in  consequence  of  being  drenched  with 
sea-water;  but  my  fears,  as  well  as  hers,  have  been  happily 
disappointed.  She  is  now  in  perfect  health ;  I  wish  I  could 
say  the  same  of  Liddy.  Something  uncommon  is  the  mat- 
ter with  that  poor  child ;  her  colour  fades,  her  appetite  fails, 
and  her  spirits  flag.  She  is  become  moping  and  melancholy, 
and  is  often  found  in  tears.  Her  brother  suspects  internal 
uneasiness  on  account  of  Wilson,  and  denounces  vengeance 
against  that  adventurer.  She  was,  it  seems,  strongly  afifected 
at  the  ball  by  the  sudden  appearance  of  one  Mr.  Gordon, 
who  strongly  resembles  the  said  Wilson ;  but  I  am  rather 
suspicious  that  she  caught  cold  by  being  overheated  with 
dancing.  I  have  consulted  Dr.  Gregory,  an  eminent  physi- 
cian of  an  amiable  character,  who  advises  the  Highland  air, 
and  the  use  of  goat-milk  whey,  which  surely  cannot  have  a 
bad  effect  upon  a  patient  who  was  born  and  bred  among  the 
mountains  of  Wales.  The  doctor's  opinion  is  the  more 
agreeable,  as  we  shall  find  those  remedies  in  the  very  place 
which  I  proposed  as  the  utmost  extent  of  our  expedition — I 
mean  the  borders  of  Argyle. 

Mr.  Smollett,  one  of  the  judges  of  the  commissary  court, 
which  is  now  sitting,  has  very  kindly  insisted  upon  our  lodg- 
ing at  his  country  house,  on  the  banks  of  Loch  Lomond, 
about  fourteen  miles  beyond  Glasgow.  For  this  last  city  we 
shall  set  out  in  two  days,  and  take  Stirling  in  our  way,  well 
provided  with  recommendations  from  our  friends  at  Edin- 
burgh, whom.  I  protest,  I  shall  leave  Avith  much  regret.  I 
am  so  far  from  thinking  it  any  hardship  to  live  in  this  coun- 

246 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

try,  that,  if  I  was  obliged  to  lead  a  town  life,  Edinburgh 
would  certainly  be  the  headquarters  of        Yours  always, 
Edinr.  Aug.  8.  Matt.  Bramble. 


To  Sir  Watkin  Phillips,  Bart,  of  Jesus  College,  Oxon. 

Dear  Knight, — I  am  now  little  short  of  the  Ultima  Thule, 
if  this  appellation  properly  belongs  to  the  Orkneys  or 
Hebrides.  These  last  are  now  lying  before  me,  to  the  amount 
of  some  hundreds,  scattered  up  and  down  the  Deucaledonian 
sea,  affording  the  most  picturesque  and  romantic  prospect  I 
ever  beheld.  I  write  this  letter  in  a  gentleman's  house,  near 
the  town  of  Inverary,  which  may  be  deemed  the  capital  of  the 
West  Highlands,  famous  for  nothing  so  much  as  for  the 
stately  castle  begun  and  actually  covered  in  by  the  late  Duke 
of  Argyle,  at  a  prodigious  expense.  Whether  it  will  ever  be 
completely  finished  is  a  question. 

But,  to  take  things  in  order.  We  left  Edinburgh  ten  days 
ago — and  the  farther  north  we  proceed,  we  find  Mrs.  Tabitha 
the  less  manageable ;  so  that  her  inclinations  are  not  of  the 
nature  of  the  loadstone — they  point  not  towards  the  pole. 
What  made  her  leave  Edinburgh  with  reluctance  at  last,  if 
we  may  believe  her  tjwn  assertions,  was  a  dispute  which  she 
left  unfinished  with  Mr.  Moffat,  touching  the  eternity  of  hell 
torments.  That  gentleman,  as  he  advanced  in  years,  began 
to  be  sceptical  on  this  head,  till  at  length  he  declared  open 
war  against  the  common  acceptation  of  the  word  eterttal. 
He  is  now  persuaded  that  eternal  signifies  no  more  than  an 
indefinite  number  of  years ;  and  that  the  most  enormous 
sinner  may  be  quit  for  nine  millions  nine  hundred  thousand 
nine  hundred  and  ninety-nine  years  of  hell  fire;  which  term  or 
period,  as  he  very  well  observes,  forms  but  an  inconsiderable 
drop,  as  it  were,  in  the  ocean  of  eternity.  For  this  mitigation 
he  contends,  as  a  system  agreeable  to  the  ideas  of  goodness 
and  mercy  which  we  annex  to  the  Supreme  Being.  Our  aunt 
seemed  willing  to  adopt  this  doctrine  in  favour  of  the  wicked. 
But  he  hinted,  that  no  person  whatever  was  so  righteous  as 
to  be  exempted  entirely  from  punishment  in  a  future  state ; 
and  that  the  most  pious  Christian  upon  earth  might  think 
himself  very  happy  to  get  oflf  for  a  fast  of  seven  or  eight 

247 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

thousand  years  in  the  midst  of  fire  and  brimstone.  Mrs. 
Tabitha  revolted  at  this  dogma,  which  filled  her  at  once  with 
horror  and  indignation.  She  had  recourse  to  the  opinion  of 
Humphry  Clinker,  who  roundly  declared  it  was  the  popish 
doctrine  of  purgatory  and  quoted  Scripture  in  defence  of  the 
fire  everlasting  prepared  for  the  devil  and  his  angels.  The  Rev- 
erend Mr.  M'Corkendale  and  all  the  theologists  and  saints 
of  that  persuasion  were  consulted,  and  some  of  them  had 
doubts  about  the  matter,  which  doubts  and  scruples  had  be- 
gun to  infect  our  aunt  when  we  took  our  departure  from 
Edinburgh. 

We  passed  through  Linlithgow,  where  there  was  an  ele- 
gant royal  palace,  which  is  now  gone  to  decay,  as  well  as  the 
town  itself.  This  too  is  pretty  much  the  case  with  Stirling, 
though  it  still  boasts  of  a  fine  old  castle,  in  which  the  kings 
of  Scotland  were  wont  to  reside  in  their  minority.  But  Glas- 
gow is  the  pride  of  Scotland,  and  indeed  it  might  very  well 
pass  for  an  elegant  and  flourishing  city  in  any  part  of  Chris- 
tendom. There  we  had  the  good  fortune  to  be  received  into 
the  house  of  Mr.  Moore,  an  eminent  surgeon,  to  whom  we 
were  recommended  by  one  of  our  friends  at  Edinburgh ;  and 
truly  he  could  not  have  done  us  more  essential  service.  Mr. 
Moore  is  a  merry,  facetious  companion,  sensible  and  shrewd, 
with  a  considerable  fund  of  humour;  and  his  wife  an  agree- 
able woman,  well-bred,  kind,  and  obliging.  Kindness,  which 
I  take  to  be  the  essence  of  good  nature  and  humanity,  is  the 
distinguishing  characteristic  of  the  Scotch  ladies  in  their 
own  country.  Our  landlord  showed  us  everything,  and  in- 
troduced us  to  all  the  world  at  Glasgow,  where,  through  his 
recommendation,  we  were  complimented  with  the  freedom 
of  the  town.  Considering  the  trade  and  opulence  of  this 
place,  it  cannot  but  abound  with  gaiety  and  diversions.  Here 
is  a  great  number  of  young  fellows  that  rival  the  youth  of 
the  capital  in  spirit  and  expense ;  and  I  was  soon  convinced, 
that  all  the  female  beauties  of  Scotland  were  not  assembled 
at  the  hunters'  ball  in  Edinburgh.  The  town  of  Glasgow 
flourishes  in  learning  as  well  as  in  commerce.  Here  is  an 
university,  with  professors  in  all  the  different  branches  of 
science,  liberally  endowed  and  judiciously  chosen.  It  was 
vacation  time  when  I  passed,  so  that  I  could  not  entirely  sat- 

248 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

isfy  my  curiosity;  but  their  mode  of  education  is  certainly 
preferable  to  ours  in  some  respects.  The  students  are  not 
left  to  the  private  instruction  of  tutors,  but  taught  in  public 
schools  or  classes,  each  science  by  its  particular  professor  or 
regent. 

My  uncle  is  in  raptures  with  Glasgow.  He  not  only  visited 
all  the  manufactures  of  the  place,  but  made  excursions  all 
round,  to  Hamilton,  Paisley,  Renfrew,  and  every  other  place 
within  a  dozen  miles,  where  there  was  anything  remarkable 
to  be  seen  in  art  or  nature.  I  believe  the  exercise  occasioned 
by  these  jaunts  was  of  service  to  my  sister  Liddy,  whose  ap- 
petite and  spirits  begin  to  revive.  Mrs.  Tabitha  displayed 
her  attractions  as  usual,  and  actually  believed  she  had  en- 
tangled one  Mr.  M'Clellan,  a  rich  inkle  manufacturer,  in  her 
snares;  but  when  matters  came  to  an  explanation,  it  ap- 
peared that  his  attachment  was  altogether  spiritual,  founded 
upon  an  intercourse  of  devotion  at  the  meeting  of  Mr.  John 
Wesley,  who,  in  the  course  of  his  evangelical  mission,  had 
come  hither  in  person.  At  length  we  set  out  for  the  banks  of 
Loch  Lomond,  passing  through  the  little  borough  of  Dum- 
barton, or  (as  my  uncle  will  have  it)  Dunbritton,  where  there 
is  a  castle  more  curious  than  anything  of  the  kind  I  had  ever 
seen.  It  is  honoured  with  a  particular  description  by  the 
elegant  Buchanan,  as  an  arx  inexpugnabilis;  and,  indeed,  it 
must  have  been  impregnable  by  the  ancient  manner  of  be- 
sieging. It  is  a  rock  of  considerable  extent,  rising  with  a 
double  top,  in  an  angle  formed  by  the  confluence  of  two 
rivers,  the  Clyde  and  the  Leven,  perpendicular  and  inaccessi- 
ble on  all  sides,  except  in  one  place  where  the  entrance  is 
fortified ;  and  there  is  no  rising  ground  in  the  neighbourhood 
from  whence  it  could  be  damaged  by  any  kind  of  battery. 

From  Dumbarton  the  West  Highlands  appear  in  the  form 
of  huge  dusky  mountains,  piled  one  over  another;  but  this 
prospect  is  not  at  all  surprising  to  a  native  of  Glamorgan. 
We  have  fixed  our  headquarters  at  Cameron,  a  very  neat 
country-house,  belonging  to  Commissary  Smollett,  where  we 
found  every  sort  of  accommodation  we  could  desire.  It  is 
situated  like  a  Druid's  temple,  in  a  grove  of  oak,  close  by  the 
side  of  Loch  Lomond,  which  is  a  surprising  body  of  pure 
transparent  water,  unfathomably  deep  in  many  places,  six 

249 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

or  seven  miles  broad,  four-and-twenty  miles  in  length,  dis- 
playing above  twenty  green  islands,  covered  with  wood, 
some  of  them  cultivated  for  corn,  and  many  of  them  stocked 
with  red  deer.  They  belong  to  different  gentlemen,  whose 
seats  are  scattered  along  the  banks  of  the  lake,  which  are 
agreeably  romantic  beyond  all  conception.  My  uncle  and  I 
have  left  the  women  at  Cameron,  as  Mrs.  Tabitha  would  by 
no  means  trust  herself  again  upon  the  water,  and,  to  come 
hither,  it  was  necessary  to  cross  a  small  inlet  of  the  sea  in  an 
open  ferry-boat.  This  country  appears  more  and  more  wild 
and  savage  the  farther  we  advance ;  and  the  people  are  as 
different  from  the  Lowland  Scotch,  in  their  looks,  garb,  and 
language,  as  the  mountaineers  of  Brecknock  are  from  the 
inhabitants  of  Herefordshire. 

When  the  Lowlanders  want  to  drink  a  cheer-upping  cup, 
they  go  to  the  public-house,  called  the  Change  House,  and 
call  for  a  chopin  of  twopenny,  which  is  a  thin  yeasty  bever- 
age, made  of  malt,  not  quite  so  strong  as  the  table-beer  of 
England.  This  is  brought  in  a  pewter  stoup,  shaped  like  a 
skittle;  from  whence  it  is  emptied  into  a  quaff,  that  is,  a  curi- 
ous cup  made  of  different  pieces  of  wood,  such  as  box  and  eb- 
ony, cut' into  little  staves,  joined  alternately,  and  secured  with 
delicate  hoops,  having  two  ears  or  handles.  It  holds  about  a 
gill,  is  sometimes  tipt  round  the  mouth  with  silver,  and  has 
a  plate  of  the  same  metal  at  the  bottom,  with  the  landlord's 
cypher  engraved.  The  Highlanders,  on  the  contrary,  de- 
spise this  liquor,  and  regale  themselves  with  whisky,  a  malt 
spirit,  as  strong  as  geneva,  which  they  swallow  in  great  quan- 
tities, without  any  signs  of  inebriation :  they  are  used  to  it 
from  the  cradle,  and  find  it  an  excellent  preservative  against 
the  winter  cold,  which  must  be  extreme  on  these  mountains — 
I  am  told  that  it  is  given  with  great  success  to  infants,  as  a 
cordial,  in  the  confluent  smallpox,  when  the  eruption  seems 
to  flag,  and  the  symptoms  grow  unfavourable.  The  High- 
landers are  used  to  eat  much  more  animal  food  than  falls  to 
the  share  of  their  neighbours  in  the  Low  Country.  They 
delight  in  hunting — have  plenty  of  deer  and  other  game,  with 
a  great  number  of  sheep,  goats,  and  back  cattle,  running  wild, 
which  they  scruple  not  to  kill  as  venison,  without  being  at 
much  pains  to  ascertain  the  property. 

250 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

Inverary  is  but  a  poor  town,  though  it  stands  immediately 
under  the  protection  of  the  Duke  of  Argyle,  who  is  a  mighty 
prince  in  this  part  of  Scotland.  The  peasants  live  in  wretched 
cabins,  and  seem  very  poor ;  but  the  gentlemen  are  tolerably 
well  lodged,  and  so  loving  to  strangers,  that  a  man  runs  some 
risk  of  his  life  from  their  hospitality.  It  must  be  observed, 
that  the  poor  Highlanders  are  now  seen  to  disadvantage. 
They  have  been  not  only  disarmed  by  act  of  parliament,  but 
also  deprived  of  their  ancient  garb,  which  was  both  graceful 
and  convenient ;  and,  what  is  a  greater  hardship  still,  they  are 
compelled  to  wear  breeches — a  restraint  which  they  cannot 
bear  with  any  degree  of  patience;  indeed,  the  majority  wear 
them,  not  in  the  proper  place,  but  on  poles  or  long  staves  over 
their  shoulders ;  they  are  even  debarred  the  use  of  their 
striped  stuflF,  called  Tartan,  which  was  their  own  manufac- 
ture, prized  by  them  above  all  the  velvets,  brocades,  and  tis- 
sues of  Europe  and  Asia.  They  now  lounge  along  in  loose 
greatcoats,  of  coarse  russet,  equally  mean  and  cumbersome, 
and  betray  manifest  marks  of  dejection.  Certain  it  is,  the 
government  could  not  have  taken  a  more  effectual  method  to 
break  their  national  spirit. 

We  have  had  princely  sport  in  hunting  the  stag  on  these 
mountains.  These  are  the  lonely  hills  of  Morven,  where 
Fingal  and  his  heroes  enjoyed  the  same  pastime.  I  feel  an 
enthusiastic  pleasure  when  I  survey  the  brown  heath  that 
Ossian  was  wont  to  tread ;  and  hear  the  wind  whistle  through 
the  bending  grass.  When  I  enter  our  landlord's  hall,  I  look 
for  the  suspended  harp  of  that  divine  bard,  and  listen  in  hopes 
of  hearing  the  aerial  sound  of  his  respected  spirit.  The 
poems  of  Ossian  are  in  every  mouth.  A  famous  antiquarian 
of  this  country,  the  Laird  of  M'Farlane,  at  whose  house  we 
dined  a  few  days  ago,  can  repeat  them  all  in  the  original 
Gaelic,  which  has  a  great  affinity  to  the  Welsh,  not  only  in 
the  general  sound,  but  also  in  a  great  number  of  radical 
words ;  and  I  make  no  doubt  but  that  they  are  both  sprung 
from  the  same  origin.  I  was  not  a  little  surprised,  when 
asking  a  Highlander  one  day,  if  he  knew  where  we  should 
find  any  game  ?  he  replied,  "  Hu  niel  Sassenagh,"  which  sig- 
nifies, No  English;  the  very  same  answer  I  should  have  re- 
ceived from  a  Welshman,  and  almost  in  the  same  words. 

251 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

The  Highlanders  have  no  other  name  for  the  people  of  the 
Low  Country  but  Sassenagh,  or  Saxons;  a  strong  presump- 
tion that  the  Lowland  Scotch  and  the  English  are  derived 
from  the  same  stock.  The  peasants  of  these  hills  strongly 
resemble  those  of  Wales  in  their  looks,  their  manners,  and 
habitations ;  everything  I  see,  and  hear,  and  feel,  seems  Welsh 
— the  mountains,  vales,  and  streams ;  the  air  and  climate ; 
the  beef,  mutton,  and  game  are  all  Welsh.  It  must  be  owned, 
however,  that  this  people  are  better  provided  than  we  are  in 
some  articles — they  have  plenty  of  red  deer  and  roebuck, 
which  are  fat  and  delicious  at  this  season  of  the  year.  Their 
sea  teems  with  amazing  quantities  of  the  finest  fish  in  the 
world;  and  they  find  means  to  procure  very  good  claret  at  a 
very  small  expense. 

Our  landlord  is  a  man  of  consequence  in  this  part  of  the 
country;  a  cadet  from  the  family  of  Argyle,  and  hereditary 
captain  of  one  of  his  castles — his  name,  in  plain  English,  is 
Dougal  Campbell ;  but  as  there  is  a  great  number  of  the  same 
appellation,  they  are  distinguished  (like  the  Welsh)  by 
patronymics ;  and  as  I  have  known  an  ancient  Briton  called 
Madoc  ap-Morgan,  ap-Jenkin,  ap- Jones,  our  Highland  chief 
designs  himself  Dou'l  Mac-amish,  mac-'oul  ich-Ian,  signify- 
ing Dougal,  the  son  of  James,  the  son  of  Dougal,  the  son  of 
John.  He  has  travelled  in  the  course  of  his  education,  and 
is  disposed  to  make  certain  alterations  in  his  domestic  econ- 
omy ;  but  he  finds  it  impossible  to  abolish  the  ancient  customs 
of  the  family ;  some  of  which  are  ludicrous  enough.  His 
piper,  for  example,  who  is  an  hereditary  officer  of  the  house- 
hold, will  not  part  with  the  least  particle  of  his  privileges. 
He  has  a  right  to  wear  the  kilt,  or  ancient  Highland  dress, 
with  the  purse,  pistol,  and  dirk — a  broad  yellow  ribbon,  fixed 
to  the  chanter-pipe,  is  thrown  over  his  shoulder,  and  trails 
along  the  ground,  while  he  performs  the  functions  of  his 
minstrelsy;  and  this,  I  suppose,  is  analogous  to  the  pennon 
or  flag,  which  was  formerly  carried  before  every  knight  in 
battle.  He  plays  before  the  laird  every  Sunday  in  this  way 
to  the  kirk,  which  he  circles  three  times,  performing  the 
family  march,  which  implies  defiance  to  all  the  enemies  of  the 
clan ;  and  every  morning  he  plays  a  full  hour  by  the  clock, 
in  the  great  hall,  marching  backwards  and  forwards  all  the- 

252 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

time,  with  a  solemn  pace,  attended  by  the  laird's  kinsmen, 
who  seem  much  delighted  with  the  music.  In  this  exercise 
he  indulges  them  with  a  number  of  pibrochs  or  airs,  suited 
to  the  different  passions  which  he  would  either  excite  or 
assuage. 

Mr.  Campbell  himself,  who  performs  very  well  on  the  vio- 
lin, has  an  invincible  antipathy  to  the  sound  of  the  Highland 
bagpipe,  which  sings  in  the  nose  with  a  most  alarming  twang, 
and,  indeed,  is  quite  intolerable  to  ears  of  common  s'ensibility, 
when  aggravated  by  the  echo  of  a  vaulted  hall.  He,  there- 
fore, begged  the  piper  would  have  some  mercy  upon  him., 
and  dispense  with  this  part  of  the  morning  service.  A  con- 
sultation of  the  clan  being  held  on  this  occasion,  it  was  unan- 
imously agreed,  that  the  laird's  request  could  not  be  granted, 
without  a  dangerous  encroachment  upon  the  customs  of  the 
family.  The  piper  declared  he  could  not  give  up  for  a  mo- 
ment the  privilege  he  derived  from  his  ancestors ;  nor  would 
the  laird's  relations  forego  an  entertainment  which  they  val- 
ued above  all  others.  There  was  no  remedy;  Mr.  Campbell 
being  obliged  to  acquiesce,  is  fain  to  stop  his  ears  with  cotton, 
to  fortify  his  head  with  three  or  four  nightcaps,  and  every 
morning  retire  into  the  penetralia  of  his  habitation,  in  order 
to  avoid  this  diurnal  annoyance. 

When  the  music  ceases,  he  produces  himself  at  an  open 
window  that  looks  into  the  courtyard,  which  is  by  this  tim.e 
filled  with  a  crowd  of  his  vassals  and  dependents,  who  wor- 
ship lus  first  appearance,  by  uncovering  their  heads,  and  bow- 
ing to  the  earth  with  the  most  humble  prostration.  As  all 
these  people  have  something  to  communicate  in  the  way  of 
proposal,  complaint,  or  petition,  they  wait  patiently  till  the 
laird  comes  forth,  and,  following  him  in  his  walks,  are  fa- 
voured each  with  a  short  audience  in  his  turn.  Two  days  ago, 
he  despatched  above  an  hundred  different  solicitors,  in  walk- 
ing with  us  to  the  house  of  a  neighbouring  gentleman,  where 
we  dined  by  invitation.  Our  landlord's  housekeeping  is 
equally  rough  and  hospitable,  and  savours  much  of  the  sim- 
plicity of  ancient  times.  The  great  hall,  paved  with  flat 
stones,  is  about  forty-five  feet  by  twenty-two,  and  serves  not 
only  for  a  dining-room,  but  also  for  a  bedchamber  to  gentle- 
men-dependents and  hangers-on  of  the  family.    At  night  half 

253 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

a  dozen  occasional  beds  are  ranged  on  each  side  along  the 
wall.  These  are  made  of  fresh  heath,  pulled  up  by  the  roots, 
and  disposed  in  such  a  manner  as  to  make  a  very  agreeable 
couch,  where  they  lie,  without  any  other  covering  than  the 
plaid.  My  uncle  and  I  were  indulged  with  separate  cham- 
bers and  down  beds,  which  we  begged  to  exchange  for  a 
layer  of  heath ;  and,  indeed,  I  never  slept  so  much  to  my  satis- 
faction. It  was  not  only  soft  and  elastic,  but  the  plant,  being 
in  flower,  diffused  an  agreeable  fragrance,  which  is  wonder- 
fully refreshing  and  restorative. 

Yesterday  we  were  invited  to  the  funeral  of  an  old  lady, 
the  grandmother  of  a  gentleman  in  this  neighbourhood,  and 
found  ourselves  in  the  midst  of  fifty  people,  who  were  re- 
galed with  a  sumptuous  feast,  accompanied  with  the  music 
of  a  dozen  pipers.  In  short,  this  meeting  had  all  the  air  of  a 
grand  festival;  and  the  guests  did  such  honour  to  the  enter- 
tainment, that  many  of  them  could  not  stand  when  they  were 
reminded  of  the  business  on  which  we  had  met.  The  com- 
pany forthwith  taking  horse,  rode  in  a  very  irregular  caval- 
cade to  the  place  of  interment,  a  church,  at  the  distance  of 
two  long  miles  from  the  castle.  On  our  arrival,  however, 
we  found  we  had  committed  a  small  oversight  in  leaving 
the  corpse  behind ;  so  that  we  were  obliged  to  wheel  about 
and  met  the  old  gentlewoman  half-way,  carried  upon  poles 
by  the  nearest  relations  of  her  family,  and  attended  by  the 
coronach,  composed  of  a  multitude  of  old  hags,  who  tore 
their  hair,  beat  their  breasts,  and  howled  most  hid- 
eously. At  the  grave  the  orator  or  senachie  pro- 
nounced the  panegyric  of  the  defunct,  every  period 
being  confirmed  by  a  yell  of  the  coronach.  The 
body  was  committed  to  the  earth,  the  pipers  playing  a  pibroch 
all  the  time,  and  all  the  company  standing  uncovered.  The 
ceremony  was  closed  with  the  discharge  of  pistols ;  then  we 
returned  to  the  castle,  resumed  the  bottle,  and  by  midnight 
there  was  not  a  sober  person  in  the  family,  the  females  ex- 
cepted. The  squire  and  I  were,  with  some  difficulty,  per- 
mitted to  retire  with  the  landlord  in  the  evening;  but  our 
entertainer  was  a  little  chagrined  at  our  retreat;  and  after- 
wards seemed  to  think  it  a  disparagement  to  his  family,  that 

254 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

not  above  an  hundred  gallons  of  whisky  had  been  drank  upon 
such  a  solemn  occasion. 

This  morning  we  got  up  by  four,  to  hunt  the  roebuck,  and, 
in  half  an  hour,  found  breakfast  ready  served  in  the  hall.  The 
hunters  consisted  of  Sir  George  Colquhoun  and  me,  as  stran- 
gers, (my  uncle  not  choosing  to  be  of  the  party,)  of  the  laird 
711  person,  the  laird's  brother,  the  laird's  brother's  son,  the 
laird's  sister's  son,  the  laird's  father's  brother's  son,  and  all 
their  foster  brothers,  who  are  counted  parcel  of  the  family. 
But  we  were  attended  by  an  infinite  number  of  Gaellys,  or 
ragged  Highlanders,  without  shoes  or  stockings. 

The  following  articles  formed  our  morning's  repast : — One 
kit  of  boiled  eggs ;  a  second,  full  of  butter ;  a  third,  full  of 
cream ;  an  entire  cheese  made  of  goats'  milk ;  a  large  earthen 
pot,  full  of  honey ;  the  best  part  of  a  ham ;  a  cold  venison  pasty, 
a  bushel  of  oatmeal,  made  in  thin  cakes  and  bannocks,  with  a 
small  wheaten  loaf  in  the  middle  for  the  strangers;  a  large 
stone  bottle  full  of  whisky,  another  of  brandy,  and  a  kilderkin 
of  ale.  There  was  a  ladle  chained  to  the  cream-kit,  with 
curious  wooden  bickers,  to  be  filled  from  this  reservoir.  The 
spirits  were  drank  out  of  a  silver  quaff,  and  the  ale  out  of 
horns :  great  justice  was  done  to  the  collation  by  the  guests  in 
general ,  one  of  them,  in  particular,  ate  above  two  dozen  of 
hard  eggs,  with  a  proportionable  quantity  of  bread,  butter, 
and  honey;  nor  was  one  drop  of  liquor  left  upon  the  board. 
Finally,  a  large  roll  of  tobacco  was  presented  by  way  of  des- 
sert, and  every  individual  took  a  comfortable  quid,  to  prevent 
the  bad  effects  of  the  morning  air.  We  had  a  fine  chase  over 
the  mountains,  after  a  roebuck,  which  we  killed,  and  I  got 
home  time  enough  to  drink  tea  with  Mrs.  Campbell  and  our 
squire.  To-morrow  we  shall  set  out  on  our  return  for  Cam- 
eron. We  propose  to  cross  the  Frith  of  Clyde,  and  take  the 
towns  of  Greenock  and  Port-Glasgow  in  our  way.  This  cir- 
cuit being  finished,  we  shall  turn  our  faces  to  the  south,  and 
follow  the  sun  with  augmented  velocity,  in  order  to  enjoy  the 
rest  of  the  autumn  in  England,  where  Boreas  is  not  quite  so 
biting,  as  he  begins  already  to  be  on  the  tops  of  these  north- 
ern hills.  But  our  progress  from  place  to  place  shall  continue 
to  be  specified  in  these  detached  journals  of  yours  always, 

Argyleshire,  Sept.  3.  J.  Melford. 

255 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

To  Dr.  Lewis. 

Dear  Dick^ — About  a  fortnight  is  now  elapsed  since  we 
left  the  capital  of  Scotland,  directing  our  course  towards 
Stirling,  where  we  lay.  The  castle  of  this  place  is  such  an- 
other as  that  of  Edinburgh,  and  affords  a  surprising  pros- 
pect of  the  windings  of  the  river  Forth,  which  are  so  extraor- 
dinary, that  the  distance  from  hence  to  Alloa,  by  land,  is 
but  four  miles,  and  by  water  it  is  twenty-four.  Alloa  is  a 
neat  thriving  town,  that  depends,  in  a  great  measure,  on  the 
commerce  of  Glasgow,  the  merchants  of  which  send  hither 
tobacco,  and  other  articles,  to  be  deposited  in  warehouses  for 
exportation  from  the  Frith  of  Forth.  In  our  way  hither  we 
visited  a  flourishing  ironwork,  where,  instead  of  burning 
wood,  they  use  coal,  which  they  have  the  art  of  clearing  in 
such  a  manner  as  frees  it  from  the  sulphur,  that  would  other- 
wise render  the  metal  too  brittle  for  working.  Excellent 
coal  is  found  in  almost  every  part  of  Scotland. 

The  soil  of  this  district  produces  scarce  any  other  grain 
but  oats  and  barley;  perhaps,  because  it  is  poorly  cultivated, 
and  almost  altogether  unenclosed.  The  few  enclosures  they 
have  consist  of  paltry  walls  of  loose  stones  gathered  from  the 
fields,  which  indeed  they  cover,  as  if  they  had  been  scattered 
on  purpose.  When  I  expressed  my  surprise  that  the  peasants 
did  not  disencumber  their  grounds  of  these  stones,  a  gentle- 
man, well  acquainted  with  the  theory  as  well  as  practice  of 
farming,  assured  me  that  the  stones,  far  from  being  prejudi- 
cial, were  serviceable  to  the  crop.  This  philosopher  had  or- 
dered a  field  of  his  own  to  be  cleared,  manured,  and  sown 
with  barley,  and  the  produce  was  more  scanty  than  before. 
He  caused  the  stones  to  be  replaced,  and  next  year  the  crop 
was  as  good  as  ever.  The  stones  were  removed  a  second 
time,  and  the  harvest  failed;  they  were  again  brought  back, 
and  the  ground  retrieved  its  fertility.  The  same  experiment 
has  been  tried  in  different  parts  of  Scotland  with  the  same 
success.  Astonished  at  this  information,  I  desired  to  know 
in  what  manner  he  accounted  for  this  strange  phenomenon ; 
and  he  said,  there  were  three  ways  in  which  the  stones  might 
be  serviceable.  They  might  possibly  restrain  an  excess  in  the 
perspiration  of  the  earth,  analogous  to  colliquative  sweats,  by 

256 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

which  the  human  body  is  sometimes  wasted  and  consumed. 
They  might  act  as  so  many  fences  to  protect  the  tender  blade 
from  the  piercing  winds  of  the  spring;  or,  by  multiplying 
the  reflection  of  the  sun,  they  might  increase  the  warmth, 
so  as  to  mitigate  the  natural  chillness  of  the  soil  and  climate. 
But  surely  this  excessive  perspiration  might  be  more  effect- 
ually checked  by  different  kinds  of  manure,  such  as  ashes, 
lime,  chalk,  or  marl,  of  which  last  it  seems  there  are  many 
pits  in  this  kingdom.  As  for  the  warmth,  it  would  be  much 
more  equally  obtained  by  enclosures ;  one  half  of  the  ground 
which  is  now  covered  would  be  retrieved ;  the  cultivation 
would  require  less  labour;  and  the  ploughs,  harrows,  and 
horses  would  not  suffer  half  the  damage  which  they  now 
sustain. 

These  north-western  parts  are  by  no  means  fertile  in  corn. 
The  ground  is  naturally  barren  and  moorish.  The  peasants 
are  poorly  lodged,  meagre  in  their  looks,  mean  in  their  ap- 
parel, and  remarkably  dirty.  This  last  reproach  they  might 
easily  wash  off,  by  means  of  those  lakes,  rivers,  and  rivulets 
of  pure  water,  with  which  they  are  so  liberally  supplied  by 
nature.  Agriculture  cannot  be  expected  to  flourish  where 
the  farms  are  small,  the  leases  short,  and  the  husbandman  be- 
gins upon  a  rack-rent,  without  a  sufficient  stock  to  answer 
the  purposes  of  improvement.  The  granaries  of  Scotland 
are  the  banks  of  the  Tweed,  the  counties  of  East  and  Mid 
Lothian,  the  Carse  of  Gowrie,  in  Perthshire,  equal  in  fertility 
to  any  part  of  England,  and  some  tracts  in  Aberdeenshire  and 
Moray,  where  I  am  told  the  harvest  is  more  early  than  in 
Northumberland,  although  they  lie  above  two  degrees  farther 
north.  I  have  a  strong  curiosity  to  visit  many  places  beyond 
the  Forth  and  the  Tay,  such  as  Perth,  Dundee,  Montrose, 
and  Aberdeen,  which  are  towns  equally  elegant  and  thriving; 
but  the  season  is  too  far  advanced  to  admit  of  this  addition 
to  my  original  plan. 

I  am  so  far  happy  as  to  have  seen  Glasgow,  which,  to  the 
best  of  my  recollection  and  judgment,  is  one  of  the  prettiest 
towns  in  Europe ;  and,  without  all  doubt,  it  is  one  of  the  most 
flourishing  in  Great  Britain.  In  short,  it  is  a  perfect  bee- 
hive in  point  of  industry.  It  stands  partly  on  a  gentle  de- 
clivity ;  but  the  greatest  part  of  it  is  in  a  plain,  watered  by  the 

"  257., 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

river  Clyde.  The  streets  are  straight,  open,  airy,  and  well 
paved ;  and  the  houses  lofty  and  well  built  of  hewn  stone. 
At  the  upper  end  of  the  town,  there  is  a  venerable  cathedral, 
that  may  be  compared  with  York  Minster  or  Westminster; 
and  about  the  middle  of  the  descent  from  this  to  the  cross  is 
the  College,  a  respectable  pile  of  building,  with  all  manner  of 
accommodation  for  the  professors  and  students,  including  an 
elegant  library,  and  an  observatory  well  provided  with  astro- 
nomical instruments.  The  number  of  inhabitants  is  said  to 
amount  to  thirty  thousand ;  and  marks  of  opulence  and  inde- 
pendency appear  in  every  quarter  of  this  commercial  city, 
which,  however,  is  not  without  its  inconveniences  and  de- 
fects. The  water  of  their  public  pumps  is  generally  hard  and 
brackish,  an  imperfection  the  less  excusable,  as  the  river  Clyde 
runs  by  their  doors,  in  the  lower  part  of  the  town;  and  there 
are  rivulets  and  springs  above  the  cathedral,  sufficient  to  fill 
a  large  reservoir  with  excellent  water,  which  might  be  thence 
distributed  to  all  the  different  parts  of  the  city.  It  is  of  more 
consequence  to  consult  the  health  of  the  inhabitants  in  this 
article  than  to  employ  so  much  attention  in  beautifying  their 
town  with  new  streets,  squares,  and  churches.  Another  de- 
fect, not  so  easily  remedied,  is  the  shallowness  of  the  river, 
which  will  not  float  vessels  of  any  burden  within  ten  or 
twelve  miles  of  the  city ;  so  that  the  merchants  are  obliged  to 
load  and  unload  their  ships  at  Greenock  and  Port-Glasgow, 
situated  about  fourteen  miles  nearer  the  mouth  of  the  Frith, 
where  it  is  about  two  miles  broad. 

The  people  of  Glasgow  have  a  noble  spirit  of  enterprise. 
Mr.  Moore,  a  surgeon,  to  whom  I  was  recommended  from 
Edinburgh,  introduced  me  to  all  the  principal  merchants  of 
the  place.  Here  I  became  acquainted  with  Mr.  Cochran,  who 
may  be  styled  one  of  the  sages  of  this  kingdom.  He  was 
first  magistrate  at  the  time  of  the  last  rebellion.  I  sat  as 
member  when  he  was  examined  in  the  House  of  Commons; 

upon  which  occasion  Mr.  P observed  he  had  never  heard 

such  a  sensible  evidence  given  at  that  bar.  I  was  also  intro- 
duced to  Dr.  John  Gordon,  a  patriot  of  a  truly  Roman  spirit, 
who  is  the  father  of  the  linen  manufacture  in  this  place,  and 
was  the  great  promoter  of  the  city  workhouse,  infirmary,  and 
other  works  of  public  utility.     Had  he  lived  in  ancient  Rome, 

258 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

he  would  have  been  honoured  with  a  statue  at  the  public  ex- 
pense. I  moreover  conversed  with  one  Mr.  G — ss — d,  whom 
I  take  to  be  one  of  the  greatest  merchants  in  Europe.  In  the 
last  war,  he  is  said  to  have  had  at  one  time  five-and-twenty 
ships,  with  their  cargoes,  his  own  property,  and  to  have 
traded  for  above  half  a  million  sterling  a  year.  The  last  war 
was  a  fortunate  period  for  the  commerce  of  Glasgow.  The 
merchants,  considering  that  their  ships  bound  for  America, 
launching  out  at  once  into  the  Atlantic  by  the  north  of  Ire- 
land, pursued  a  track  very  little  frequented  by  privateers,  re- 
solved to  ensure  one  another,  and  saved  a  very  considerable 
sum  by  this  resolution,  as  few  or  none  of  their  ships  were 
taken. 

You  must  know  I  have  a  sort  of  national  attachment  to  this 
part  of  Scotland.  The  great  church  dedicated  to  St.  Mon- 
gah,  the  river  Clyde,  and,  among  other  particulars,  that  smack 
of  our  Welsh  language  and  customs,  contribute  to  flatter  me 
with  the  notion,  that  these  people  are  the  descendants  of  the 
Britons,  who  once  possessed  this  country.  Without  all  ques- 
tion, this  was  a  Cumbrian  kingdom.  Its  capital  was  Dum- 
barton (a  corruption  of  Dunbritton),  which  still  exists  as  a 
royal  borough,  at  the  influx  of  the  Clyde  and  Leven,  ten 
miles  below  Glasgow.  The  same  neighbourhood  gave  birth 
to  St.  Patrick,  the  apostle  of  Ireland,  at  a  place  where  there 
is  still  a  church  and  village,  which  retain  his  name.  Hard 
by  are  some  vestiges  of  the  famous  Roman  wall,  built  in  the 
reign  of  Antonine,  from  the  Clyde  to  the  Forth,  and  fortified 
with  castles  to  restrain  the  incursions  of  the  Scotch  or  Cale- 
donians, who  inhabited  the  West  Highlands.  In  a  line  par- 
allel to  this  wall,  the  merchants  of  Glasgow  have  determined 
to  make  a  navigable  canal  betwixt  the  two  friths,  which  will 
be  of  incredible  advantage  to  their  commerce,  in  transporting 
merchandise  from  one  side  of  the  island  to  the  other. 

From  Glasgow  we  travelled  along  the  Clyde,  which  is  a 
delightful  stream,  adorned  on  both  sides  with  villas,  towns, 
and  villages.  Here  is  no  want  of  groves  and  meadows,  and 
cornfields  interspersed ;  but  on  this  side  of  Glasgow  there  is 
little  other  grain  than  oats  and  barley ;  the  first  are  much  bet- 
ter, the  last  much  worse,  than  those  of  the  same  species  in 
England.  I  wonder  there  is  so  little  rye,  which  is  a  grain  that 

259 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

will  thrive  in  almost  any  soil;  and  it  is  still  more  surprising, 
that  the  cultivation  of  potatoes  should  be  so  much  neglected  in 
the  Highlands,  where  the  poor  people  have  not  meal  enough  to 
supply  them  with  bread  through  the  winter.  On  the  other 
side  of  the  river  are  the  towns  of  Paisley  and  Renfrew.  The 
first,  from  an  inconsiderable  village,  is  become  one  of  the 
most  flourishing  places  of  the  kingdom,  enriched  by  the  linen, 
cambric,  flowered  lawn,  and  silk  manufactures.  It  was  for- 
merly noted  for  a  rich  monastery  of  the  monks  of  Clugny,  who 
wrote  the  famous  Scoti-Chronicon,  called  The  Black  Book  of 
Paisley.  The  old  abbey  still  remains,  converted  into  a  dwell- 
ing-house, belonging  to  the  Earl  of  Dundonald.  Renfrew  is 
a  pretty  town,  on  the  banks  of  Clyde,  capital  of  the  shire, 
which  was  heretofore  the  patrimony  of  the  Stuart  family, 
and  gave  the  title  of  baron  to  the  king's  eldest  son,  which  is 
still  assumed  by  the  Prince  of  Wales. 

The  Clyde  we  left  a  little  on  our  left  hand  at  Dunbritton, 
where  it  widens  into  an  estuary  or  frith,  being  augmented  by 
the  influx  of  the  Leven.  On  this  spot  stands  the  castle  for- 
merly called  Alcluyd,  washed  by  these  two  rivers  on  all  sides, 
except  a  narrow  isthmus,  which  at  every  spring-tide  is  over- 
flowed. The  whole  is  a  great  curiosity,  from  the  quality  and 
form  of  the  rock,  as  well  as  from  the  nature  of  its  situation. 
We  now  crossed  the  water  of  Leven,  which,  though  nothing 
near  so  considerable  as  the  Clyde,  is  much  more  transparent, 
pastoral,  and  delightful.  This  charming  stream  is  the  outlet 
of  Loch  Lomond,  and  through  a  tract  of  fonr  miles  pursues 
its  winding  course,  murmuring  over  a  bed  of  pebbles,  till  it 
joins  the  frith  at  Dunbritton.  A  very  little  above  its  source, 
on  the  lake,  stands  the  house  of  Cameron,  belonging  to  Mr. 
Smollett,  so  embosomed  in  an  oak  wood,  that  we  did  not  see 
it  till  we  were  within  fifty  yards  of  the  door. 

I  have  seen  the  Lago  di  Gardi,  Albano,  De  Vico,  Bolsena, 
and  Geneva,  and,  upon  my  honour,  I  prefer  Loch  Lomond  to 
them  all,  a  preference  which  is  certainly  owing  to  the  verdant 
islands  that  seem  to  float  upon  its  surface,  affording  the  most 
enchanting  objects  of  repose  to  the  excursive  view.  Nor  are 
the  banks  destitute  of  beauties,  which  even  partake  of  the 
sublime.  On  this  side  they  display  a  sweet  variety  of  wood- 
land, cornfield,   and  pasture,   with   several   agreeable   villas 

260 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

emerging  as  it  were  out  of  the  lake,  till,  at  some  distance, 
the  prospect  terminates  in  huge  mountains,  covered  with 
heath,  which,  being  in  the  bloom,  affords  a  very  rich  cover- 
ing of  purple.  Everything  here  is  romantic  beyond  imagi- 
nation. This  country  is  justly  styled  the  Arcadia  of  Scotland; 
and  I  don't  doubt  but  it  may  vie  with  Arcadia  in  everything 
but  climate.  I  am  sure  it  excels  it  in  verdure,  wood,  and 
water.  What  say  you  to  a  natural  bason  of  pure  water,  near 
thirty  miles  long,  and  in  some  places  seven  miles  broad,  and 
in  many  above  an  hundred  fathoms  deep,  having  four-and- 
twenty  habitable  islands,  some  of  them  stocked  with  deer, 
and  all  of  them  covered  with  wood;  containing  immense 
quantities  of  delicious  fish,  salmon,  pike,  trout,  perch,  floun- 
ders, eels,  and  powans,  the  last  a  delicate  kind  of  fresh-water 
herring  peculiar  to  this  lake ;  and,  finally,  communicating 
with  the  sea,  by  sending  off  the  Leven,  through  which  all 
those  species  (except  the  powan)  make  their  exit  and  en- 
trance occasionally! 

Enclosed  T  send  you  the  copy  of  a  little  ode  to  this  river, 
by  Dr.  Smollett,  who  was  born  on  the  banks  of  it,  within  two 
miles  of  the  place  where  I  am  now  writing.  It  is  at  least 
picturesque  and  accurately  descriptive,  if  it  has  no  other 
merit.  There  is  an  idea  of  truth,  in  an  agreeable  landscape 
taken  from  nature,  which  pleases  me  more  than  the  gayest 
fiction  which  the  most  luxuriant  fancy  can  display. 

I  have  other  remarks  to  make;  but  as  my  paper  is  full,  I 
must  reserve  them  till  the  next  occasion.  I  shall  only  ob- 
serve at  present,  that  I  am  determined  to  penetrate  at  least 
forty  miles  into  the  Highlands,  which  now  appear  like  a  vast 
fantastic  vision  in  the  clouds,  inviting  the  approach  of,  yours 
always,  Matt.  Bramble. 

Cameron,  Aug.  28. 


ODE  TO  LEVEN  WATER 

On  Leven's  banks,  while  free  to  rove. 
And  tune  the  rural  pipe  to  love, 
I  envied  not  the  happiest  swain 
That  ever  trode  th'  Arcadian  plain. 

Pure  stream!  in  whose  transparent  wav« 
My  youthful  limbs  I  wont  to  lave; 

261 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

No  torrents  stain  thy  limpid  source; 

No  rocks  impede  thy  dimpling  course. 

That  sweetly  warbles  o'er  its  bed, 

With  white,  round,  polish'd  pebbles  spread; 

While,  lightly  pois'd,  the  scaly  brood 

In  myriads  cleave  thy  crystal  flood; 

The  springing  trout  in  speckled  pride; 

The  salmon,  monarch  of  the  tide; 

The  ruthless  pike,  intent  on  war; 

The  silver  eel,  and  mottled  par/ 

Devolving  from  thy  parent  lake, 
A  charming  maze  thy  waters  make, 
By  bow'rs  of  birch,  and  groves  of  pine, 
And  hedges  flower'd  with  eglantine. 
Still  on  thy  bank,  so  gaily  green. 
May  num'rous  herds  and  flocks  be  seen. 
And  lasses  chanting  o'er  the  pail. 
And  shepherds  piping  in  the  dale. 
And  ancient  faith  that  knows  no  guile. 
And  industry  embrown'd  with  toil, 
And  hearts  resolv'd,  and  hands  prepar'd. 
The  blessing  they  enjoy  to  guard. 


To  Dr.  Lewis. 

Dear  Doctor, — If  I  was  disposed  to  be  critical,  I  should 
say  this  house  of  Cameron  is  too  near  the  lake,  which  ap- 
proaches on  one  side  to  within  six  or  seven  yards  of  the  win- 
dow. It  might  have  been  placed  in  a  higher  site,  which 
would  have  afforded  a  more  extensive  prospect  and  a  drier  at- 
mosphere ;  but  this  imperfection  is  not  chargeable  on  the  pres- 
ent proprietor,  who  purchased  it  ready  built,  rather  than  be  at 
the  trouble  of  repairing  his  own  family  house  at  Bonhill, 
which  stands  two  miles  from  hence  on  the  Leven,  so  sur- 
rounded with  plantation,  that  it  used  to  be  known  by  the 
name  of  the  Mavis  (or  thrush)  Nest.  Above  that  house  is  a 
romantic  glen  or  cleft  of  a  mountain,  covered  with  hanging 
woods,  having  at  bottom  a  stream  of  fine  water  that  forms  a 
number  of  cascades  in  its  descent  to  join  the  Leven ;  so  that 
the  scene  is  quite  enchanting.  A  captain  of  a  man-of-war, 
who  had  made  the  circuit  of  the  globe  with  Mr.  Anson,  be- 

^  The  par  is  a  small  fish,  not  unlike  the  smelt,  which  it  rivals  in  delicacy  and 
flavour. 

262 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

ing  conducted  to  this  glen,  exclaimed,  "  Juan  Fernandez,  by 
G— d!" 

Indeed,  this  country  would  be  a  perfect  paradise,  if  it  was 
not,  like  Wales,  cursed  with  a  weeping  climate,  owing  to  the 
same  causes  in  both,  the  neighbourhood  of  high  mountains, 
and  a  westerly  situation,  exposed  to  the  vapours  of  the  At- 
lantic Ocean.  This  air,  however,  notwithstanding  its  humid- 
ity, is  so  healthy,  that  the  natives  are  scarce  ever  visited 
by  any  other  disease  than  the  smallpox,  and  certain 
cutaneous  evils,  which  are  the  effects  of  dirty  living,  the  great 
and  general  reproach  of  the  commonalty  of  this  kingdom. 
Here  are  a  great  many  living  monuments  of  longevity,  and, 
among  the  rest,  a  person  whom  I  treat  with  singular  respect, 
as  a  venerable  Druid,  who  has  lived  near  ninety  years,  with- 
out pain  or  sickness,  among  oaks  of  his  own  planting.  He 
was  once  proprietor  of  these  lands ;  but,  being  of  a  projecting 
spirit,  some  of  his  schemes  miscarried,  and  he  was  obliged  to 
part  with  his  possession,  which  hath  shifted  hands  two  or 
three  times  since  that  period ;  but  every  succeeding  proprietor 
hath  done  everything  in  his  power  to  make  his  old  age  easy 
and-  comfortable.  He  has  a  sufficiency  to  procure  the  neces- 
saries of  life ;  and  he  and  his  old  woman  reside  in  a  small 
convenient  farmhouse,  having  a  little  garden  which  he  culti- 
vates with  his  own  hands.  This  ancient  couple  live  in  great 
health,  peace,  and  harmony,  and,  knowing  no  wants,  enjoy 
the  perfection  of  content.  Mr.  Smollett  calls  him  the  ad- 
miral, because  he  insists  upon  steering  his  pleasure-boat  upon 
the  lake;  and  he  spends  most  of  his  time  in  ranging  through 
the  woods,  which  he  declares  he  enjoys  as  much  as  if  they 
were  still  his  own  property.  I  asked  him  the  other  day,  if  he 
was  never  sick  ?  and  he  answered.  Yes ;  he  had  a  slight  fever 
the  year  before  the  Union.  If  he  was  not  deaf,  I  should  take 
much  pleasure  in  his  conversation ;  for  he  is  very  intelligent, 
and  his  memory  is  surprisingly  retentive.  These  are  the 
happy  effects  of  temperance,  exercise,  and  good-nature. 

Notwithstanding  all  his  innocence,  however,  he  was  the 
cause  of  great  perturbation  to  my  man  Clinker,  whose  natu- 
ral superstition  has  been  much  injured  by  the  histories  of 
witches,  fairies,  ghosts,  and  goblins,  which  he  has  heard  in 
this  country.     On  the  evening  after  our  arrival,  Humphry 

263 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

strolled  into  the  wood  in  the  course  of  his  meditation,  and 
all  at  once  the  admiral  stood  before  him,  under  the  shadow 
of  a  spreading  oak.  Though  the  fellow  is  far  from  being 
timorous  in  cases  that  are  not  supposed  preternatural,  he 
could  not  stand  the  sight  of  this  apparition,  but  ran  into  the 
kitchen,  with  his  hair  standing  on  end,  staring  wildly,  and  de- 
prived of  utterance.  Mrs.  Jenkins,  seeing  him  in  this  condi- 
tion, screamed  aloud,  "  Lord  have  mercy  upon  us,  he  has 
seen  something !  "  Mrs.  Tabitha  was  alarmed,  and  the 
whole  house  in  confusion..  When  he  was  recruited  with  a 
dram,  I  desired  him  to  explain  the  meaning  of  all  this  agita- 
tion ;  and,  with  some  reluctance,  he  owned  he  had  seen  a 
spirit,  in  the  shape  of  an  old  man  with  a  white  beard,  a  black 
cap,  and  a  plaid  night-gown.  He  was  undeceived  by  the  ad- 
miral in  person,  who  coming  in  at  this  juncture,  appeared  to 
be  a  creature  of  real  flesh  and  blood. 

Do  you  know  how  we  fare  in  this  Scottish  paradise?  We 
make  free  with  our  landlord's  mutton,  which  is  excellent,  his 
poultry-yard,  his  garden,  his  dairy,  and  his  cellar,  which  are 
all  well  stored.  We  have  delicious  salmon,  pike,  trout,  perch, 
par,  etc.  at  the  door,  for  the  taking.  The  Frith  of  Clyde,  on 
the  other  side  of  the  hill,  supplies  us  with  mullet,  red  and 
grey,  cod,  mackerel,  whiting  and  a  variety  of  sea  fish,  in- 
cluding the  finest  herrings  I  ever  tasted.  We  have  sweet 
juicy  beef,  and  tolerable  veal,  with  delicate  bread,  from  the 
little  town  of  Dunbritton ;  and  plenty  of  partridge,  grouse, 
heathcock,  and  other  game  in  presents. 

We  have  been  visited  by  all  the  gentlemen  in  the  neigh- 
bourhood, and  they  have  entertained  us  at  their  houses,  not 
barely  with  hospitality,  but  with  such  marks  of  cordial  affec- 
tion, as  one  would  wish  to  find  among  near  relations,  after  an 
absence  of  many  years. 

I  told  you,  in  my  last,  I  had  projected  an  excursion  to  the 
Highlands,  which  project  I  have  now  happily  executed  under 
the  auspices  of  Sir  George  Colquhoun,  a  colonel  in  the  Dutch 
service,  who  offered  himself  as  our  conductor  on  this  occa- 
sion. Leaving  our  women  at  Cameron,  to  the  care  and  in- 
spection of  Lady  H C ,  we  set  out  on  horseback  for 

Inverary,  the  county  town  of  Argyle,  and  dined  on  the  road 
with  the  Laird  of  Macfarlane,  the  greatest  genealogist  I  ever 

264 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

knew  in  any  country,  and  perfectly  acquainted  with  all  the 
antiquities  of  Scotland. 

The  Duke  of  Argyle  has  an  old  castle  at  Inverary,  where 
he  resides  when  he  is  in  Scotland ;  and  hard  by  is  the  shell  of 
a  noble  Gothic  palace,  built  by  the  last  duke,  which,  when 
finished,  will  be  a  great  ornament  to  this  part  of  the  High- 
lands. As  for  Inverary,  it  is  a  place  of  very  little  impor- 
tance. 

This  country  is  amazingly  wild,  especially  towards  the 
mountains,  which  are  heaped  upon  the  backs  of  one  another, 
making  a  most  stupendous  appearance  of  savage  nature,  with 
hardly  any  signs  of  cultivation,  or  even  of  population.  All 
is  sublimity,  silence,  and  solitude.  The  people  live  together 
in  glens  or  bottoms,  where  they  are  sheltered  from  the  cold 
and  storms  of  winter.  But  there  is  a  margin  of  plain  ground 
spread  along  the  seaside,  which  is  well  inhabited  and  im- 
proved by  the  arts  of  husbandry ;  and  this  I  take  to  be  one  of 
the  most  agreeable  tracts  of  the  whole  island ;  the  sea  not  only 
keeps  it  warm,  and  supplies  it  with  fish,  but  affords  one  of  the 
most  ravishing  prospects  in  the  whole  world ;  I  mean  the  ap-. 
pearance  of  the  Hebrides,  or  Western  Islands,  to  the  number 
of  three  hundred,  scattered  as  far  as  the  eye  can  reach,  in  the 
most  agreeable  confusion.  As  the  soil  and  climate  of  the 
Highlands  are  but  ill-adapted  to  the  cultivation  of  com,  the 
people  apply  themselves  chiefly  to  the  breeding  and  feeding 
of  black  cattle,  which  turn  to  good  account.  Those  animals 
run  wild  all  the  winter,  without  any  shelter  or  subsistence, 
but  what  they  can  find  among  the  heath.  When  the  snow  lies 
so  deep  and  hard,  that  they  cannot  penetrate  to  the  roots  of 
the  grass,  they  make  a  diurnal  progress,  guided  by  a  sure  in- 
stinct, to  the  seaside  at  low  water,  where  they  feed  on  the 
alga  marina,  and  other  plants  that  grow  on  the  beach. 

Perhaps  this  branch  of  husbandry,  which  requires  very 
little  attendance  and  labour,  is  one  of  the  principal  causes  of 
that  idleness  and  want  of  industry  which  distinguishes  these 
mountaineers  in  their  own  country.  When  they  come  forth 
into  the  world,  they  become  as  diligent  and  alert  as  any  people 
upon  earth.  They  are  undoubtedly  a  very  distinct  species 
from  their  fellow-subjects  of  the  Lowlands,  against  whom 
they  indulge  an  ancient  spirit  of  animosity;  and  this  diflFer- 

265 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

ence  is  very  discernible  even  among  persons  of  family  and 
education.  The  Lowlanders  are  generally  cool  and  circum- 
spect, the  Highlanders  fiery  and  ferocious;  but  this  violence 
of  their  passions  serves  only  to  inflame  the  zeal  of  their  devo- 
tion to  strangers,  which  is  truly  enthusiastic. 

We  proceeded  about  twenty  miles  beyond  Inverary,  to  the 
house  of  a  gentleman,  a  friend  of  our  conductor,  where  we 
stayed  a  few  days,  and  were  feasted  in  such  a  manner,  that  I 
began  to  dread  the  consequence  to  my  constitution. 

Notwithstanding  the  solitude  that  prevails  among  these 
mountams,  there  is  no  want  of  people  in  the  Highlands.  I 
am  credibly  informed,  that  the  Duke  of  Argyle  can  assemble 
five  thousand  men  in  arms,  of  his  own  clan  and  surname, 
which  is  Campbell :  and  there  is  besides  a  tribe  of  the  same 
appellation,  whose  chief  is  the  Earl  of  Breadalbane.  The 
M'Donalds  are  as  numerous,  and  remarkably  warlike.  The 
Camerons,  M'Leods,  Erasers,  Grants,  M'Kenzies,  M'Kays, 
M'Phersons,  MTntoshes,  are  powerful  clans ;  so  that,  if  all  the 
Highlanders,  including  the  inhabitants  of  the  Isles,  were 
united,  they  could  bring  into  the  field  an  army  of  forty 
thousand  fighting  men,  capable  of  undertaking  the  most  dan- 
gerous enterprise.  We  have  lived  to  see  four  thousand  of 
them,  without  discipline,  throw  the  whole  kingdom  of  Great 
Britain  into  confusion.  They  attacked  and  defeated  two 
armies  of  regular  troops  accustomed  to  service.  They  pene- 
trated into  the  centre  of  England ;  and  afterwards  marched 
back  with  deliberation,  in  the  face  of  two  other  armies, 
through  an  enemy's  country,  where  every  precaution  was 
taken  to  cut  off  their  retreat.  I  know  not  any  other  people 
in  Europe,  who,  without  the  use  or  knowledge  of  arms,  will 
attack  regular  forces  sword  in  hand,  if  their  chief  will  head 
them  in  battle. 

When  disciplined,  they  cannot  fail  of  being  excellent  sol- 
diers. They  do  not  walk  like  the  generality  of  mankind,  but 
trot  and  bounce  like  deer,  as  if  they  moved  upon  springs. 
They  greatly  excel  the  Lowlanders  in  all  the  exercises  that 
require  agility ;  they  are  incredibly  abstemious,  and  patient  of 
hunger  and  fatigue ;  so  steeled  against  the  weather,  that,  in 
travelling,  even  when  the  ground  is  covered  with  snow,  they 
never  look  for  a  house,  or  any  other  shelter  but  their  plaid, 

266 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

in  which  they  wrap  themselves  up,  and  go  to  sleep  under  the 
cope  of  heaven.  Such  people,  in  quality  of  soldiers,  must  be 
invincible,  when  the  business  is  to  perform  quick  marches  in 
a  difficult  country,  to  strike  sudden  strokes,  beat  up  the  ene- 
my's quarters,  harass  their  cavalry,  and  perform  expeditions 
without  the  formality  of  magazines,  baggage,  forage,  and 
artillery.  The  chieftainship  of  the  Highlanders  is  a  very 
dangerous  influence,  operating  at  the  extremity  of  the  island, 
where  the  eyes  and  hands  of  government  cannot  be  supposed 
to  see  and  act  with  precision  and  vigour.  In  order  to  break 
the  force  of  clanship,  administration  has  always  practised  the 
political  maxim,  Divide  et  impera.  The  legislature  hath  not 
only  disarmed  these  mountaineers,  but  also  deprived  them  of 
their  ancient  garb,  which  contributed  in  a  great  measure  to 
keep  up  their  military  spirit ;  and  their  slavish  tenures  are  all 
dissolved  by  act  of  parliament ;  so  that  they  are  at  present  as 
free  and  independent  of  their  chiefs  as  the  law  can  make 
them :  but  the  original  attachment  still  remains,  and  is 
founded  on  something  prior  to  the  feudal  system,  about  which 
the  writers  of  this  age  have  made  such  a  pother,  as  if  it  was 
a  new  discovery,  like  the  Copernican  system.  Every  pecul- 
iarity of  policy,  custom,  and  even  temperament,  is  affectedly 
traced  to  this  origin,  as  if  the  feudal  constitution  had  not 
been  common  to  almost  all  the  natives  of  Europe.  For  my 
part,  I  expect  to  see  the  use  of  trunk-hose  and  buttered  ale 
ascribed  to  the  influence  of  the  feudal  system. 

The  connexion  between  the  clans  and  their  chiefs  is  with- 
out all  doubt  patriarchal.  It  is  founded  on  hereditary  re- 
gard and  affection,  cherished  through  a  long  succession  of 
ages.  The  clan  consider  the  chief  as  their  father,  they  bear 
his  name,  they  believe  themselves  descended  from  his  family, 
and  they  obey  him  as  their  lord,  with  all  the  ardour  of  filial 
love  and  veneration ;  while  he,  on  his  part,  exerts  a  paternal 
authority,  commanding,  chastising,  rewarding,  protecting, 
and  maintaining  them  as  his  own  children.  If  the  legislature 
would  entirely  destroy  this  connexion,  it  must  compel  the 
Highlanders  to  change  their  habitation  and  their  names. 
Even  this  experiment  has  been  formerly  tried  without  suc- 
cess. In  the  reign  of  James  vi.  a  battle  was  fought  within 
a   few   short   miles   of  this   place,   between   two  clans,   the 

267 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

M'Gregors  and  the  Colquhouns,  in  which  the  latter  were  de- 
feated. The  Laird  of  M'Gregor  made  such  a  barbarous  use 
of  his  victory,  that  he  was  forfeited  and  outlawed  by  act  of 
parliament.  His  lands  were  given  to  the  family  of  Mont- 
rose, and  his  clan  were  obliged  to  change  their  name.  They 
obeyed  so  far,  as  to  call  themselves  severally  Campbell,  Gra- 
ham, or  Drummond,  the  surnames  of  the  families  of  Argyle. 
Montrose,  and  Perth,  that  they  might  enjoy  the  protection 
of  those  houses;  but  they  still  added  M'Gregor  to  their  new 
appellation ;  and  as  their  chief  was  deprived  of  his  estate, 
they  robbed  and  plundered  for  his  subsistence. 

Mr.  Cameron  of  Lochiel,  the  chief  of  that  clan,  whose 
father  was  attainted  for  having  been  concerned  in  the  last 
rebellion,  returning  from  France,  in  obedience  to  a  procla- 
mation and  act  of  parliament  passed  at  the  beginning  of  the 
late  war,  paid  a  visit  to  his  own  country,  and  hired  a  farm 
in  the  neighbourhood  of  his  father's  house,  which  had  been 
burnt  to  the  ground.  The  clan,  though  ruined  and  scattered, 
no  sooner  heard  of  his  arrival,  than  they  flocked  to  him  from 
all  quarters,  to  welcome  his  return,  and  in  a  few  days  stocked 
his  farm  with  seven  hundred  black  cattle,  which  they  had 
saved  in  the  general  wreck  of  their  affairs.  But  their  beloved 
chief,  who  was  a  promising  youth,  did  not  live  to  enjoy  the 
fruits  of  their  fidelity  and  attachment. 

The  most  effectual  method  I  know  to  weaken,  and  at  length 
destroy  this  influence,  is  to  employ  the  commonalty  in  such 
a  manner  as  to  give  them  a  taste  of  property  and  independ- 
ence. In  vain  the  government  grants  them  advantageous 
leases  on  the  forfeited  estates  if  they  have  no  property  to 
prosecute  the  means  of  improvement.  The  sea  is  an  inex- 
haustible fund  of  riches,  but  the  fishery  cannot  be  carried  on 
without  vessels,  casks,  salt,  lines,  nets,  and  other  tackle.  I 
conversed  with  a  sensible  man  of  this  country,  who,  from  a 
real  spirit  of  patriotism,  had  set  up  a  fishery  on  the  coast,  and 
a  manufactory  of  coarse  linen,  for  the  employment  of  the 
poor  Highlanders.  Cod  is  here  in  such  plenty  that  he  told 
me  he  had  seen  seven  hundred  taken  on  one  line  at  one  haul. 
It  must  be  observed,  however,  that  the  line  was  of  immense 
length,  and  had  two  thousand  hooks,  baited  with  mussels; 
but  the  fish  was  so  superior  to  the  cod  caught  on  the  banks  of 

a6S 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

Newfoundland,  that  his  correspondent  at  Lisbon  sold  them 
immediately  at  his  own  price,  although  Lent  was  just  over 
when  they  arrived,  and  the  people  might  be  supposed  quite 
cloyed  with  this  kind  of  diet.  His  linen  manufacture  was 
likewise  in  a  prosperous  way,  when  the  late  war  intervening, 
all  his  best  hands  were  pressed  into  the  service. 

It  cannot  be  expected  that  the  gentlemen  of  this  country 
should  execute  commercial  schemes  to  render  their  vassals 
independent,  nor  indeed  are  such  schemes  suited  to  their  way 
of  life  and  inclination,  but  a  company  of  merchants  might, 
with  proper  management,  turn  to  good  account  a  fishery  es- 
tablished in  this  part  of  Scotland.  Our  people  have  a  strange 
itch  to  colonise  America,  when  the  uncultivated  parts  of  our 
own  island  might  be  settled  to  greater  advantage. 

After  having  rambled  through  the  mountains  and  glens  of 
Argyle,  we  visited  the  adjacent  islands  of  Isla,  Jura,  Mull, 
and  Icolmkill.  In  the  first,  we  saw  the  remains  of  a  castle, 
built  in  a  lake,  where  M'Donald,  Lord  or  King  of  the  Isles, 
formerly  resided.  Jura  is  famous  for  having  given  birth  to 
one  M'Crain,  who  lived  one  hundred  and  eighty  years  in  one 
house,  and  died  in  the  reign  of  Charles  the  Second.  Mull 
aflfords  several  bays,  where  there  is  safe  anchorage,  in 
one  of  which,  the  Florida,  a  ship  of  the  Spanish  Armada, 
was  blown  up  by  one  of  Mr.  Smollett's  ancestors.  About 
forty  years  ago,  John,  Duke  of  Argyle,  is  said  to  have  con- 
sulted the  Spanish  registers,  by  which  it  appeared  that  this 
ship  had  the  military  chest  on  board.  He  employed  expe- 
rienced divers  to  examine  the  wreck,  and  they  found  the  hull 
of  the  vessel  still  entire,  but  so  covered  with  sand,  that  they 
could  not  make  their  way  between  decks.  However,  they 
picked  up  several  pieces  of  plate  that  were  scattered  about  in 
the  bay,  and  a  couple  of  fine  brass  cannon. 

Icolmkill,  or  lona,  is  a  small  island  which  St.  Columba 
chose  for  his  habitation ;  it  was  respected  for  its  sanctity,  and 
college  or  seminary  of  ecclesiastics.  Part  of  its  church  is 
still  standing,  with  the  tombs  of  several  Scottish,  Irish,  and 
Danish  sovereigns,  who  were  here  interred.  These  islanders 
are  very  bold  and  dexterous  watermen,  consequently,  the 
better  adapted  to  the  fishery.  In  their  manners  they  are  less 
savage  and  impetuous  than  their  countrymen  on  the  conti- 

269 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

nent,  and  they  speak  the  Erse  or  Gaelic  in  its  greatest  purity. 

Having  sent  round  our  horses  by  land,  we  embarked  in  the 
district  of  Cowal  for  Greenock,  which  is  a  neat  little  town, 
on  the  other  side  of  the  Frith,  with  a  curious  harbour,  formed 
by  three  stone  jetties,  carried  out  a  good  way  into  the  sea. 
New  Port-Glasgow  is  such  another  place,  about  two  miles 
higher  up.  Both  have  a  face  of  business  and  plenty,  and  are 
supported  entirely  by  the  shipping  of  Glasgow,  of  which  I 
counted  sixty  large  vessels  in  these  harbours.  Taking  boat 
again  at  Newport,  we  were  in  less  than  an  hour  landed  on  the 
other  side,  within  two  short  miles  of  our  headquarters,  where 
we  found  our  women  in  good  health  and  spirits.  They  had 
been,  two  days  before,  joined  by  Mr.  Smollett  and  his  lady,  to 
whom  we  have  such  obligations  as  I  cannot  mention  even  to 
you,  without  blushing. 

To-morrow  we  shall  bid  adieu  to  the  Scots  Arcadia,  and 
begin  our  progress  to  the  southward,  taking  our  way  by 
Lanark  and  Nithsdale,  to  the  west  borders  of  England.  I 
have  received  so  much  advantage  and  satisfaction  from  this 
tour,  that,  if  my  health  suffers  no  revolution  in  the  winter,  I 
believe  I  shall  be  tempted  to  undertake  another  expedition  to 
the  northern  extremity  of  Caithness,  unencumbered  by  those 
impediments  which  now  clog  the  heels  of  yours, 

Cameron,  Sept.  6.  Matt.  Bramble. 


To  Miss  Ljetitia  Willis,  at  Gloucester. 

My  dearest  Letty, — Never  did  poor  prisoner  long  for  de- 
liverance more  than  I  have  longed  for  an  opportunity  to  dis- 
burden my  cares  into  your  friendly  bosom ;  and  the  occasion 
which  now  presents  itself  is  little  less  than  miraculous.  Hon- 
est Saunders  M'Awley,  the  travelling  Scotchman,  who  goes 
every  year  to  Wales,  is  now  at  Glasgow,  buying  goods,  and, 
coming  to  pay  his  respects  to  our  family,  has  undertaken  to 
deliver  this  letter  into  your  own  hand.  We  have  been  six 
weeks  in  Scotland,  and  seen  the  principal  towns  of  the  king- 
dom, where  we  have  been  treated  with  great  civility.  The 
people  are  very  courteous,  and  the  country  being  exceedingly 
romantic,  suits  my  turn  and  inclinations.  I  contracted  some 
friendships  at  Edinburgh,  which  is  a  large  and  lofty  city,  full 

270 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

of  gay  company;  and,  in  particular,  commenced  an  intimate 
correspondence  with  one  Miss  R — t — n,  an  amiable  young 
lady  of  my  own  age,  whose  charms  seemed  to  soften,  and 
even  to  subdue,  the  stubborn  heart  of  my  brother  Jerry;  but 
he  no  sooner  left  the  place,  than  he  relapsed  into  his  former 
insensibility.  I  feel,  however,  that  this  indifference  is  not  the 
family  constitution.  I  never  admitted  but  one  idea  of  love, 
and  that  has  taken  such  root  in  my  heart,  as  to  be  equally 
proof  against  all  the  pulls  of  discretion  and  the  frosts  of 
neglect. 

Dear  Letty !  I  had  an  alarming  adventure  at  the  hunters' 
ball  in  Edinburgh.  While  I  sat  discoursing  with  a  friend  in 
a  corner,  all  at  once  the  very  image  of  Wilson  stood  before 
me,  dressed  exactly  as  he  was  in  the  character  of  Aimwell ! 
It  was  one  Mr.  Gordon,  whom  I  had  not  seen  before.  Shocked 
at  the  sudden  apparition,  I  fainted  away,  and  threw  the  whole 
assembly  into  confusion.  However,  the  cause  of  my  dis- 
order remained  a  secret  to  everybody  but  my  brother,  who 
was  likewise  struck  with  the  resemblance,  and  scolded  after 
we  came  home.  I  am  very  sensible  of  Jerry's  affection,  and 
know  he  spoke  as  well  with  a  view  to  my  own  interest  and 
happiness,  as  in  regard  to  the  honour  of  the  family;  but  I 
cannot  bear  to  have  my  wounds  probed  severely.  I  was  not 
so  much  affected  by  the  censure  he  passed  upon  my  own  in- 
discretion, as  with  the  reflection  he  made  on  the  conduct  of 
Wilson.  He  observed,  that  if  he  was  really  the  gentleman  he 
pretended  to  be,  and  harboured  nothing  but  honourable  de- 
signs, he  would  have  vindicated  his  pretensions  in  the  face  of 
day.  This  remark  made  a  deep  impression  upon  my  mind; 
I  endeavoured  to  conceal  my  thoughts,  and  this  endeavour 
had  a  bad  effect  upon  my  health  and  spirits,  so  it  was  thought 
necessary  that  I  should  go  to  the  Highlands,  and  drink  goat- 
milk  whey. 

We  went  accordingly  to  Loch  Lomond,  one  of  the  most  en- 
chanting spots. in  the  whole  world;  and  what  with  this  rem- 
edy, which  I  had  every  morning  fresh  from  the  mountains, 
and  the  pure  air  and  cheerful  company,  I  have  recovered  my 
flesh  and  appetite,  though  there  is  something  still  at  bottom 
which  is  not  in  the  power  of  air,  exercise,  company,  or  medi- 
cine to   remove.     These  incidents   would   not  touch  me   so 

271 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

nearly  if  I  had  a  sensible  confidant  to  sympathise  with  my 
affliction,  and  comfort  me  with  wholesome  advice.  I  have 
nothing  of  this  kind,  except  Win  Jenkins,  who  is  really  a  good 
body  in  the  main,  but  very  ill-qualified  for  such  an  office. 
The  poor  creature  is  weak  in  her  nerves,  as  well  as  in  her 
understanding,  otherwise  I  might  have  known  the  true  name 
and  character  of  that  unfortunate  youth.  But  why  do  I  call 
him  unfortunate?  perhaps  the  epithet  is  more  applicable  to 

me,  for  having  listened  to  the  false  professions  of But 

hold,  I  have  as  yet  no  right,  and  sure  I  have  no  inclination, 
to  believe  anything  to  the  prejudice  of  his  honour.  In  that 
reflection  I  shall  still  exert  my  patience.  As  for  Mrs.  Jen- 
kins, she  herself  is  really  an  object  of  compassion;  between 
vanity,  Methodism,  and  love,  her  head  is  almost  turned.  I 
should  have  more  regard  for  her,  however,  if  she  had  been 
more  constant  in  the  object  of  her  affection ;  but,  truly,  she 
aimed  at  conquest,  and  flirted  at  the  same  time  with  my  un- 
cle's footman,  Humphry  Clinker,  who  is  really  a  deserving 
young  man,  and  one  Button,  my  brother's  valet-de-chambre, 
a  debauched  fellow,  who,  leaving  Win  in  the  lurch,  ran  away 
with  another  man's  bride  at  Berwick. 

My  dear  Willis,  I  am  truly  ashamed  of  my  own  sex.  We 
complain  of  advantages  which  the  men  take  of  our  youth, 
inexperience,  sensibility,  and  all  that;  but  I  have  seen  enough 
to  believe,  that  our  sex  in  general  make  it  their  business  to 
ensnare  the  other ;  and  for  this  purpose  employ  arts  which  are 
by  no  means  to  be  justified.  In  point  of  constancy,  they  cer- 
tainly have  nothing  to  reproach  the  male  part  of  the  creation. 
My  poor  aunt,  without  any  regard  to  her  years  and  imper- 
fections, has  gone  to  market  with  her  charms  in  every  place 
where  she  thought  she  had  the  least  chance  to  dispose  of  her 
person,  which,  however,  hangs  still  heavy  on  her  hands.  I  am 
afraid  she  has  used  even  religion  as  a  decoy,  though  it  has  not 
answered  her  expectation.  She  has  been  praying,  preaching, 
and  catechising,  among  the  Methodists,  with  whom  this  coun- 
try abounds;  and  pretends  to  have  such  manifestations  and 
revelations,  as  even  Clinker  himself  can  hardly  believe, 
though  the  poor  fellow  is  half  crazy  with  enthusiasm.  As 
for  Jenkins,  she  aflfects  to  take  all  her  mistress's  reveries  for 
gospel.     She  has  also  her  heart-heavings  and  motions  of  the 

272 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

Spirit;  and,  God  forgive  me  if  I  think  uncharitably,  but  all 
this  seems  to  me  to  be  downright  hypocrisy  and  deceit.  Per- 
haps, indeed,  the  poor  girl  imposes  on  herself.  She  is  gen- 
erally in  a  flutter,  and  is  much  subject  to  vapours.  Since  we 
came  to  Scotland,  she  has  seen  apparitions,  and  pretends  to 
prophesy.  If  I  could  put  faith  in  all  these  supernatural  visit- 
ations, I  should  think  myself  abandoned  of  grace;  for  I  have 
neither  seen,  heard,  nor  felt  anything  of  this  nature,  although 
I  endeavour  to  discharge  the  duties  of  religion  with  all  the 
sincerity,  zeal,  and  devotion  that  is  in  the  power  of, 
Dear  Letty,  your  ever  affectionate, 

Glasgow,  Sept.   7.  Lydia   Melford. 

We  are  so  far  on  our  return  to  Brambleton  Hall,  and  I 
would  fain  hope  we  shall  take  Gloucester  in  our  way;  in 
which  case  I  shall  have  the  inexpressible  pleasure  of  embrac- 
ing my  dear  Willis.  Pray  remember  me  to  my  worthy  gov- 
erness. 


To  Mrs.  Mary  Jones,  at  Brambleton  Hall. 

Dear  Mary, — Sunders  Macully,  the  Scotchman,  who 
pushes  directly  for  Vails,  has  promised  to  give  it  you  into 
your  own  hand,  and  therefore  I  would  not  miss  the  oppor- 
tunity to  let  you  now  as  I  am  still  in  the  land  of  the  living; 
and  yet  I  have  been  on  the  brink  of  the  other  world  since  I 
sent  you  my  last  letter.  We  went  by  sea  to  another  king- 
dom, called  Fife,  and,  coming  back,  had  like  to  have  gone  to 
pot  in  a  storm.  What  between  the  frite  and  sickness,  I 
thought  I  should  have  brought  my  heart  up ;  even  Mr. 
Clinker  was  not  his  own  man  for  eight-and-forty  hours  after 
we  got  ashore.  It  was  well  for  some  folks  that  we  'scaped 
drownding;  for  mistress  was  very  frexious,  and  seemed  but 
indifferently  prepared  for  a  change ;  but,  thank  God,  she  was 
soon  put  in  a  better  frame  by  the  private  exaltations  of  the 
Reverend  Mr.  Macrocodile.  We  afterwards  churned  to 
Starling  and  Glascow,  which  are  a  kipple  of  handsome  towns ; 
and  then  we  went  to  a  gentleman's  house  at  LoflF  Loming. 
which  is  a  wonderful  sea  of  fresh  water,  with  a  power  of 
hylands  in  the  midst  on't.  They  say,  as  how  it  has  got  ne'er 
a  bottom,  and  was  made  by  a  musician — and,  truly,  I  believe 

It  273 


THE  EXrEDITION  OF 

it;  for  it  is  not  in  the  coarse  of  nature.  It  has  got  waves 
ufithout  wind,  fish  without  fins,  and  a  floating  byland;  and 
one  of  them  is  a  crutch-yard,  where  the  dead  are  buried ;  and 
ahvays  before  the  person  dies,  a  bell  rings  of  itself  to  give 
warning. 

O  Mary !  this  is  the  land  of  congyration.  The  bell  knolled 
when  we  were  there.  I  saw  lights,  and  heard  lamentations. 
The  gentleman,  our  landlord,  has  got  another  house,  which 
he  was  fain  to  quit,  on  account  of  a  mischievous  ghost,  that 
would  not  suffer  people  to  lie  in  their  beds.  The  fairies 
dwell  in  a  hole  of  Kairmann,  a  mounting  hard  by ;  and  they 
steal  away  the  good  women  that  are  in  the  straw,  if  so  be  as 
how  there  an't  a  horshoe  nailed  to  the  door.  And  I  was 
shown  an  old  vitch,  called  Elspath  Ringavey,  with  a  red  pet- 
ticoat, bleared  eyes,  and  a  mould  of  grey  bristles  on  her  sin. 
That  she  mought  do  me  no  harm,  I  crossed  her  hand  with  a 
taster,  and  bid  her  tell  my  fortune ;  and  she  told  me  such 
things — descriving  Mr.  Clinker  to  a  hair — ^but  it  shall  ne'er 
be  said  that  I  minchioned  a  word  of  the  matter.  As  I  was 
troubled  with  fits,  she  advised  me  to  bathe  in  the  loff,  which 
was  holy  water ;  and  so  I  went  in  the  morning  to  a  private 
place,  along  with  the  housemaid,  and  we  bathed  in  our 
birth-day  soot,  after  the  fashion  of  the  country ;  and  behold, 
whilst  we  dabbled  in  the  loff,  Sir  George  Coon  started  up 
with  a  gun ;  but  we  clapt  our  hands  to  our  faces,  and  passed 
by  him  to  the  place  where  we  had.  left  our  smocks.  A  civil 
gentleman  would  have  turned  his  head  another  way.  My 
comfit  is,  he  knew  not  which  was  which ;  and,  as  the  saying  is, 
all  cats  in  the  dark  are  grey. 

While  we  staid  at  Loff  Loming,  he  and  our  two  squires 
went  three  or  four  days  churning  among  the  wild  men  of  the 
mountings ;  a  parcel  of  selvidges  that  lie  in  caves  among  the 
rocks,  devour  young  children,  and  speak  Velch,  but  the  vords 
are  different.  Our  ladies  would  not  part  with  Mr.  Clinker, 
because  he  is  so  stout,  and  so  pyehouse,  that  he  fears  neither 
man  nor  devils,  if  so  be  as  they  don't  take  him  by  surprise. 
Indeed,  he  was  once  so  flurried  by  an  operition.  that  he  had 
like  to  have  founded.  He  made  believe  as  if  it  had  been  the 
ould  edmiral ;  but  the  ould  edmiral  could  not  have  made  his 
air  to  stand  on  end,  and  his  teeth  to  shatter ;  but  he  said  so  in 

274 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

prudence,  that  the  ladies  mought  not  be  affeard.  Mis  Liddy 
has  been  puny,  and  Hke  to  go  into  a  dedine.  I  doubt  her 
pore  art  is  too  tinder — but  the  got's  fey  has  sat  her  on  her 
legs  again.  You  novvs  got's  fey  is  mother's  milk  to  a  Velch 
voman.  As  for  mistress,  blessed  be  God,  she  ails  nothing. 
Her  stomach  is  good,  and  she  improves  in  grease  and  godli- 
ness ;  but,  for  all  that,  she  may  have  infections  like  other 
people ;  and,  I  believe,  she  wouldn't  be  sorry  to  be  called  your 
Ladyship,  whenever  Sir  George  thinks  proper  to  ax  the  ques- 
tion. But,  for  my  part,  whatever  I  may  see  or  hear,  not  a 
pratical  shall  ever  pass  the  lips  of, 

Dear  Molly,  your  loving  friend, 
Grasco,  Sept.  7.  Win,  Jenkins. 

Remember  me  as  usual  to  Saul.  We  are  now  coming 
home,  though  not  the  nearest  road.  I  do  suppose  I  shall  find 
the  kitten  a  fine  boar  at  my  return. 


To  Sir  Watkin  Phillips,  Bart,  at  Oxon. 

Dear  Knight, — Once  more  I  tread  upon  English  ground, 
which  I  like  not  the  worse  for  the  six  weeks'  ramble  I  have 
made  among  the  woods  and  mountains  of  Caledonia;  no 
offence  to  the  land  of  cakes,  where  bannocks  grow  upon 
straw.  I  never  saw  my  uncle  in  such  health  and  spirits  as 
he  now  enjoys.  Liddy  is  perfectly  recovered;  and  Mrs. 
Tabitha  has  no  reason  to  complain.  Nevertheless,  I  believe, 
she  was,  till  yesterday,  inclined  to  give  the  whole  Scotch  na- 
tion to  the  devil,  as  a  pack  of  insensible  brutes,  upon  whom 
her  accomplishments  had  been  displayed  in  vain.  At  every 
place  where  we  halted  did  she  mount  the  stage,  and  flourished 
her  rusty  arms,  without  being  able  to  make  one  conquest. 
One  of  her  last  essays  was  against  the  heart  of  Sir  George 
Colquhoun,  with  whom  she  fought  all  the  weapons  more  than 
twice  over.  She  was  grave  and  gay  by  turns — she  moralised 
and  methodised — she  laughed,  and  romped,  and  danced,  and 
sung,  and  sighed,  and  ogled,  and  lisped,  and  fluttered,  and 
flattered — but  all  was  preaching  to  the  desert.  The  baronet, 
being  a  well-bred  man,  carried  his  civilities  as  far  as  she 
could  in  conscience  expect,  and,  if  evil  tongues  are  to  be  be- 

275 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

lieved,  some  "degrees  farther ;  but  he  was  too  much  a  veteran 
in  gallantry,  as  well  as  in  war,  to  fall  into  any  ambuscade  that 
she  could  lay  for  his  affection.  While  we  were  absent  in  the 
Highlands,  she  practised  also  upon  the  Laird  of  Ladrishmore, 
,  and  even  gave  him  the  rendezvous  in  the  wood  of  Drum- 
scailloch ;  but  the  Laird  had  such  a  reverend  care  of  his  own 
reputation,  that  he  came  attended  with  the  parson  of  the 
parish,  and  nothing  passed  but  spiritual  communications. 
After  all  these  miscarriages,  our  aunt  suddenly  recollected 
Lieutenant  Lismahago,  whom,  ever  since  our  first  arrival  at 
Edinburgh,  she  seemed  to  have  utterly  forgot ;  but  now  she 
expressed  her  hopes  of  seeing  him  at  Dumfries,  according  to 
his  promise. 

We  set  out  from  Glasgow  by  the  way  of  Lanark,  the  coun- 
ty town  of  Clydesdale,  in  the  neighbourhood  of  which  the 
whole  river  Clyde,  rushing  down  a  steep  rock,  forms  a  very 
noble  and  stupendous  cascade.  Next  day  we  were  obliged 
to  halt  in  a  small  borough,  until  the  carriage,  which  had  re- 
ceived some  damage,  should  be  repaired;  and  here  we  met 
with  an  incident  which  warmly  interested  the  benevolent 
spirit  of  Mr.  Bramble.  As  we  stood  at  the  window  of  an  inn 
that  fronted  the  public  prison,  a  person  arrived  on  horseback, 
genteelly  though  plainly  dressed,  in  a  blue  frock,  with  his 
own  hair  cut  short,  and  a  gold-laced  hat  upon  his  head. 
Alighting,  and  giving  his  horse  to  the  landlord,  he  advanced 
to  an  old  man  who  was  at  work  in  paving  the  street,  and 
accosted  him  in  these  words :  "  This  is  hard  work  for  such  an 
old  man  as  you."  So  saying,  he  took  the  instrument  out  of 
his  hand,  and  began  to  thump  the  pavement.  After  a  few 
strokes,  "  Have  you  never  a  son,"  said  he,  "  to  ease  you  of 
this  labour?" — "Yes,  an'  please  your  honour,"  replied  the 
senior,  "  I  have  three  hopeful  lads,  but,  at  present,  they  are 
out  of  the  way." — "  Honour  not  me,"  cried  the  stranger ;  "  it 
more  becomes  me  to  honour  your  grey  hairs.  Where  are 
those  sons  you  talk  of?"  The  ancient  pavior  said,  his  eldest 
son  was  a  captain  in  the  East  Indies,  and  the  youngest  had 
lately  enlisted  as  a  soldier,  in  hopes  of  prospering  like  his 
brother.  The  gentleman  desiring  to  know  what  was  become 
of  the  second,  he  wiped  his  eyes,  and  owned  he  had  taken 

276 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

upon  him  his  old  father's  debts,  for  which  he  was  now  in  the 
prison  hard  by. 

The  traveller  made  three  quick  steps  towards  the  jail,  then 
turning  short,  "  Tell  me,"  said  he,  "  has  that  unnatural  cap- 
tain sent  you  nothing  to  relieve  your  distresses  ?  " — "  Call 
him  not  unnatural,"  replied  the  other,  "  God's  blessing  be 
upon  him !  he  sent  me  a  great  deal  of  money,  but  I  made  a 
bad  use  of  it ;  I  lost  it  by  being  security  for  a  gentleman  that 
was  my  landlord,  and  was  stripped  of  all  I  had  in  the  world 
besides."  At  that  instant  a  young  man,  thrusting  out  his 
head  and  neck  between  two  iron  bars  in  the  prison-window, 
exclaimed,  "  Father !  father !  if  my  brother  William  is  in  life, 
that's  he." — "  I  am !  I  am !  "  cried  the  stranger,  clasping  the 
old  man  in  his  arms,  and  shedding,  a  flood  of  tears,  "  I  am 
your  son  Willy,  sure  enough !  "  Before  the  father,  who  was 
quite  confounded,  could  make  any  return  to  this  tenderness, 
a  decent  old  woman,  bolting  out  from  the  door  of  a  poor 
habitation,  cried,  "  Where  is  my  bairn  ?  where  is  my  dear 
Willy  ?  "  The  captain  no  sooner  beheld  her,  than  he  quitted 
his  father,  and  ran  into  her  embrace. 

I  can  assure  you,  my  uncle,  who  saw  and  heard  everything 
that  passed,  was  as  much  moved  as  any  one  of  the  parties 
concerned  in  this  pathetic  recognition.  He  sobbed,  and  wept, 
and  clapped  his  hands,  and  hallooed,  and  finally  ran  down 
into  the  street.  By  this  time  the  captain  had  retired  with  his 
parents,  and  all  the  inhabitants  of  the  place  were  assembled  at 
the  door.  Mr.  Bramble,  nevertheless,  pressed  through  the 
crowd,  and  entering  the  house,  "  Captain,"  said  he,  "  I  beg 
the  favour  of  your  acquaintance.  I  would  have  travelled  a 
hundred  miles  to  see  this  affecting  scene,  and  I  shall  think 
myself  happy  if  you  and  your  parents  will  dine  with  me  at 
the  public-house."  The  captain  thanked  him  for  his  kind  in- 
vitation, which,  he  said,  he  would  accept  with  pleasure;  but, 
in  the  meantime,  he  could  not  think  of  eating  or  drinking, 
while  his  poor  brother  was  in  trouble.  He  forthwith  de- 
posited a  sum,  equal  to  the  debt,  in  the  hands  of  the  magis- 
trate, who  ventured  to  set  his  brother  at  liberty,  without  far- 
ther process ;  and  then  the  whole  family  repaired  to  the  inn 
with  my  uncle;  attended  by  the  crowd,  the  individuals  of 
which  shook  their  townsman  by  the  hand,  while  he  returned 

277 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

their  caresses  without  the  least  sign  of  pride  or  affectation. 

This  honest  favourite  of  fortune,  whose  name  was  Brown, 
told  my  uncle,  that  he  had  been  bred  a  weaver,  and  about 
eighteen  years  ago  had,  from  a  spirit  of  idleness  and  dissipa- 
tion, enlisted  as  a  soldier  in  the  service  of  the  East  India 
Company ;  that  in  the  course  of  duty  he  had  the  good  fortune 
to  attract  the  notice  and  approbation  of  Lord  Clive,  who  pre- 
ferred him  from  one  step  to  another,  till  he  had  attained  the 
rank  of  captain  and  paymaster  to  the  regiment,  in  which 
capacities  he  had  honestly  amassed  about  twelve  thousand 
pounds,  and  at  the  peace  resigned  his  commission.  He  had 
sent  several  remittances  to  his  father,  who  received  the  first 
only,  consisting  of  one  hundred  pounds ;  the  second  had  fallen 
into  the  hands  of  a  bankrupt;  and  the  third  had  been  con- 
signed to  a  gentleman  of  Scotland,  who  died  before  it  arrived, 
so  that  it  still  remained  to  be  accounted  for  by  his  executors. 
He  now  presented  the  old  man  with  fifty  pounds  for  his 
present  occasions,  over  and  above  bank-notes  for  one  hun- 
dred, which  he  had  deposited  for  his  brother's  release.  He 
brought  along  with  him  a  deed  ready  executed,  by  which  he 
settled  a  perpetuity  of  fourscore  pounds  upon  his  parents,  to 
be  inherited  by  the  other  two  sons  after  their  decease.  He 
promised  to  purchase  a  commission  for  his  youngest  brother ; 
to  take  the  other  as  his  own  partner  in  a  manufacture  which 
he  intends  to  set  up,  to  give  employment  and  bread  to  the  in- 
dustrious, and  to  give  five  hundred  pounds  by  way  of  dower 
to  his  sister,  who  had  married  a  farmer  in  low  circumstances. 
Finally,  he  gave  fifty  pounds  to  the  poor  of  the  town  where  he 
was  born,  and  feasted  all  the  inhabitants  without  exception. 

My  uncle  was  so  charmed  with  the  character  of  Captain 
Brown,  that  he  drank  his  health  three  times  successively  at 
dinner.  He  said,  he  was  proud  of  his  acquaintance;  that  he 
was  an  honour  to  his  country,  and  had  in  some  measure  re- 
deemed human  nature  from  the  reproach  of  pride,  selfishness, 
and  ingratitude ;  for  my  part,  I  was  as  much  pleased  with  the 
modesty  as  with  the  filial  virtue  of  this  honest  soldier,  who 
assumed  no  merit  from  his  success,  and  said  very  little  of  his 
own  transactions,  though  the  answers  he  made  to  our  inquiries 
were  equally  sensible  and  laconic.  Mrs.  Tabitha  behaved  very 
graciously  to  him,  until  she  understood  that  he  was  going  to 

278 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

make  a  tender  of  his  hand  to  a  person  of  low  estate,  who  had 
been  his  sweetheart  while  he  worked  as  a  journeyman  weaver. 
Our  aunt  was  no  sooner  made  acquainted  with  this  design, 
than  she  starched  up  her  behaviour  with  a  double  portion  of 
reserve ;  and,  when  the  company  broke  up,  she  observed,  with 
a  toss  of  her  nose,  that  Brown  was  a  civil  fellow  enough,  con- 
sidering the  lowness  of  his  origin;  but  that  Fortune,  though 
she  had  mended  his  circumstances,  was  incapable  to  raise  his 
ideas,  which  were  still  humble  and  plebeian. 

On  the  day  that  succeeded  this  adventure,  we  went  some 
miles  out  of  our  road  to  see  Drumlanrig,  a  seat  belonging  to 
the  Duke  of  Oueensberry,  which  appears  like  a  magnificent 
palace  erected  by  magic,  in  the  midst  of  a  wilderness;  it  is 
indeed  a  princely  mansion,  with  suitable  parks  and  plantations, 
rendered  still  more  striking  by  the  nakedness  of  the  surround- 
ing country,  which  is  one  of  the  wildest  tracts  in  all  Scotland. 
This  wilderness,  however,  is  diflferent  from  that  of  the  High- 
lands; for  here  the  mountains,  instead  of  heath,  are  covered 
with  a  fine  green  sward,  affording  pasture  to  innumerable 
flocks  of  sheep.  But  the  fleeces  of  this  country,  called  Niths- 
dale,  are  not  comparable  to  the  wool  of  Galloway,  which  is 
said  to  equal  that  of  Salisbury  Plain.  Having  passed  the 
night  at  the  castle  of  Drumlanrig,  by  invitation  from  the  Duke 
himself,  who  is  one  of  the  best  men  that  ever  breathed,  we 
prosecuted  our  journey  to  Dumfries,  a  very  elegant  trading 
town  near  the  borders  of  England,  where  we  found  plenty  of 
good  provision  and  excellent  wine,  at  very  reasonable  prices, 
and  the  accommodation  as  good  in  all  respects  as  in  any  part 
of  South  Britain.  If  I  was  confined  to  Scotland  for  life,  I 
would  choose  Dumfries  as  the  place  of  my  residence.  Here 
we  made  inquiries  about  Captain  Lismahago,  of  whom  hear- 
ing no  tidings,  we  proceeded  by  the  Sol  way  Frith  to  Carlisle. 
You  must  know,  that  the  Solway  sands,  upon  which  travellers 
pass  at  low  water,  are  exceedingly  dangerous,  because,  as  the 
tide  makes,  they  become  quick  in  different  places,  and  the 
flood  rushes  in  so  impetuously,  that  passengers  are  often  over- 
taken by  the  sea,  and  perish. 

In  crossing  these  treacherous  syrtes  with  a  guide,  we  per- 
ceived a  drowned  horse,  which  Humphry  Clinker,  after  due 
inspection,  declared  to  be  the  very  identical  beast  which  Mr. 

279 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

Lismahago  rode  when  he  parted  with  us  at  Felton  Bridge  in 
Northumberiand.  This  information,  which  seemed  to  inti- 
ni^ate  that  our  friend  the  Ueutenant  had  shared  the  fate  of  his 
horse,  affected  us  all,  and  above  all  our  aunt  Tabitha,  who 
shed  salt  tears,  and  obliged  Clinker  to  pull  a  few  hairs  out  of 
the  dead  horse's  tail,  to  be  worn  in  a  ring  as  a  remembrance 
of  his  master.  But  her  grief  and  ours  was  not  of  long  dura- 
tion; for  one  of  the  first  persons  we  saw  in  Carlisle  was  the 
lieutenant  in  propria  persona,  bargaining  with  a  horse-dealer 
for  another  steed,  in  the  yard  of  the  inn  where  we  alighted. 
Mrs.  Bramble  was  the  first  that  perceived  him,  and  screamed 
as  if  she  had  seen  a  ghost;  and,  truly,  at  a  proper  time  and 
place,  he  might  very  well  have  passed  for  an  inhabitant  of 
another  world;  for  he  was  more  meagre  and  grim  than  be- 
fore. We  received  him  the  more  cordially  for  having  sup- 
posed he  had  been  drowned ;  and  he  was  not  deficient  in  ex- 
pressions of  satisfaction  at  this  meeting.  He  told  us  he  had 
inquired  for  us  at  Dumfries,  and  been  informed  by  a  travelling 
merchant  from  Glasgow,  that  we  had  resolved  to  return  by 
the  way  of  Coldstream.  He  said,  that,  in  passing  the  sands, 
without  a  guide,  his  horse  had  knocked  up;  and  he  himself 
must  have  perished,  if  he  had  not  been  providentially  relieved 
by  a  return  post-chaise.  He  moreover  gave  us  to  understand, 
that  his  scheme  of  settling  in  his  own  country  having  mis- 
carried, he  was  so  far  in  his  way  to  London,  with  a  view  to 
embark  for  North  America,  where  he  intended  to  pass  the 
rest  of  his  days  among  his  old  friends  the  Miamis,  and  amuse 
himself  in  finishing  the  education  of  the  son  he  had  by  his 
beloved  Squinkinacoosta. 

This  project  was  by  no  means  agreeable  to  our  good  aunt, 
who  expatiated  upon  the  fatigues  and  dangers  that  would  at- 
tend such  a  long  voyage  by  sea,  and  afterwards  such  a  tedious 
journey  by  land.  She  enlarged  particularly  on  the  risk  he 
would  run,  with  respect  to  the  concerns  of  his  precious  soul, 
among  savages  who  had  not  yet  received  the  glad  tidings  of 
salvation ;  and  she  hinted,  that  his  abandoning  Great  Britain 
might,  perhaps,  prove  fatal  to  the  inclinations  of  some  deserv- 
ing person,  whom  he  v/as  qualified  to  make  happy  for  life. 
My  uncle,  who  is  really  a  Don  Quixote  in  generosity,  under- 
standing that  Lismahago's  real  reason  for  leaving  Scotland 

280 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

was  the  impossibility  of  subsisting  in  it  with  any  decency  upon 
the  wretched  provision  of  a  subaltern's  half-pay,  began  to  be 
warmly  interested  on  the  side  of  compassion.  He  thought  it 
very  hard,  that  a  gentleman,  who  had  served  his  country  with 
honour,  should  be  driven  by  necessity  to  spend  his  old  age 
among  the  refuse  of  mankind,  in  such  a  remote  part  of  the 
world.  He  discoursed  with  me  upon  the  subject,  observing, 
that  he  would  willingly  offer  the  lieutenant  an  asylum  at 
Brambleton  Hall,  if  he  did  not  foresee  that  his  singularities 
and  humours  of  contradiction  would  render  him  an  intolerable 
house-mate,  though  his  conversation  at  some  times  might  be 
both  instructive  and  entertaining;  but,  as  there  seemed  to  be 
something  particular  in  his  attention  to  Mrs.  Tabitha,  he  and 
I  agreed  in  opinion,  that  this  intercourse  should  be  en- 
couraged, and  improved,  if  possible,  into  a  matrimonial  union : 
in  which  case  there  would  be  a  comfortable  provision  for 
both ;  and  they  might  be  settled  in  a  house  of  their  own,  so 
that  Mr.  Bramble  should  have  no  more  of  their  company  than 
he  desired. 

In  pursuance  of  this  design,  Lismahago  has  been  invited  to 
pass  the  winter  at  Brambleton  Hall,  as  it  will  be  time  enough 
to  execute  his  American  project  in  the  spring.  He  has  taken 
time  to  consider  of  this  proposal ;  meanwhile,  he  will  keep  us 
company  as  far  as  we  travel  in  the  road  to  Bristol,  where  he 
has  hopes  of  getting  a  passage  for  America.  I  make  no  doubt 
but  that  he  will  postpone  his  voyage,  and  prosecute  his  ad- 
dresses to  a  happy  consumm.ation ;  and  sure,  if  it  produces 
any  fruit,  it  must  be  of  a  very  peculiar  flavour.  As  the 
weather  continues  favourable,  I  believe  we  shall  take  the  Peak 
of  Derbyshire  and  Buxton  Wells  in  our  way.  At  any  rate, 
from  the  first  place  where  we  make  any  stay,  you  shall  hear 
again  from  yours  always,  J.  Melford. 

Carlisle,  Sept.  21. 


To  Dr.  Lewis. 

Dear  Doctor, — The  peasantry  of  Scotland  are  certainly  on 
a  poor  footing  all  over  the  kingdom ;  and  yet  they  look  better, 
and  are  better  clothed,  than  those  of  the  same  rank  in  Bur- 
gundy, and  many  other  places  of  France  and  Italy;  nay,  I 

281 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

will  venture  to  say  they  are  better  fed,  notwithstanding  the 
boasted  wine  of  these  foreign  countries.  The  country  people 
of  North  Britain  live  chiefly  on  oatmeal,  and  milk-cheese,  but- 
ter, and  some  garden  stuff,  with  now  and  then  a  pickled 
herring,  by  way  of  delicacy;  but  flesh-meat  they  seldom  or 
never  taste,  nor  any  kind  of  strong  liquor,  except  twopenny, 
at  times  of  uncommon  festivity.  Their  breakfast  is  a  kind 
of  hasty-pudding,  of  oatmeal,  or  peasmeal,  eaten  with  milk. 
They  have  commonly  pottage  to  dinner,  composed  of  cale  or 
cole,  leeks,  barley,  or  big,  and  butter,  and  this  is  reinforced 
with  bread,  and  cheese  made  of  skimmed  milk.  At  night 
they  sup  on  sowens  or  flummery  of  oatmeal.  In  a  scarcity  of 
oats,  they  use  the  meal  of  barley  and  peas,  which  is  both  nour- 
ishing and  palatable.  Some  of  them  have  potatoes;  and  you 
find  parsnips  in  every  peasant's  garden.  They  are  clothed 
with  a  coarse  kind  of  russet  of  their  own  making,  which  is 
both  decent  and  warm.  They  dwell  in  poor  huts,  built  of 
loose  stones  and  turf,  without  any  mortar,  having  a  fireplace 
or  hearth  in  the  middle,  generally  made  of  an  old  millstone, 
and  a  hole  at  top  to  let  out  the  smoke. 

These  people,,  however,  are  content,  and  wonderfully  sa- 
gacious. All  of  them  read  the  Bible,  and  are  even  qualified 
to  dispute  upon  the  articles  of  their  faith,  which,  in  those  parts 
1  have  seen,  is  entirely  Presbyterian.  I  am  told,  that  the  in- 
habitants of  Aberdeenshire  are  still  more  acute.  I  once  knew 
a  Scotch  gentleman  at  London,  who  had  declared  war  against 
this  part  of  his  country,  and  swore  that  the  impudence  and 
knavery  of  the  Scotch  in  that  quarter  had  brought  a  reproach 
upon  the  whole  nation. 

The  river  Clyde,  above  Glasgow,  is  quite  pastoral,  and  the 
banks  of  it  are  everywhere  adorned  with  fine  villas.  From 
the  sea  to  its  source,  we  may  reckon  the  seats  of  many  fami- 
lies of  the  first  rank,  such  as  the  Duke  of  Argyle  at  Roseneath, 
the  Earl  of  Bute  in  the  isle  of  that  name,  the  Earl  of  Glen- 
cairn  at  Finlayston,  Lord  Blantyre  at  Areskine,  the  Duchess 
of  Douglas  at  Bothwell,  the  Duke  of  Hamilton  at  Hamilton, 
the  Duke  of  Douglas  at  Douglas,  and  the  Earl  of  Hyndford 
at  Carinichael.  Hamilton  is  a  noble  palace,  magnificently 
furnished ;  and  hard  by  is  the  village  of  that  name,  one  of 
the  neatest  little  towns  I  have  seen  in  any  country.    The  old 

282 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

castle  of  Douglas  being  burnt  to  the  ground  by  accident,  the 
late  Duke  resolved,  as  head  of  the  first  family  in  Scotland, 
to  have  the  largest  house  in  the  kingdom,  and  ordered  a  plan 
for  this  purpose;  but  there  vvas  only  one  wing  of  it  finished 
when  he  died.  It  is  to  be  hoped  that  his  nephew,  who  is  now 
in  possession  of  his  great  fortune,  will  complete  the  design  of 
his  predecessor.  Clydesdale  is  in  general  populous  and  rich, 
containing  a  great  number  of  gentlemen,  who  are  independent 
in  their  fortune;  but  it  produces  more  cattle  than  corn.  This 
is  also  the  case  with  Tweeddale,  through  part  of  which  we 
passed,  and  Nisdale,  which  is  generally  rough,  wild,  and 
mountainous.  These  hills  are  covered  with  sheep;  and  this 
is  the  small  delicious  mutton,  so  much  preferable  to  that  of 
the  London  market.  As  their  feeding  costs  so  little,  the  sheep 
are  not  killed  till  five  years  old,  when  their  flesh,  juices,  and 
flavour  are  in  perfection ;  but  their  fleeces  are  much  damaged 
by  the  tar  with  which  they  are  smeared  to  preserve  them  from 
the  rot  in  winter,  during  which  they  run  wild  night  and  day, 
and  thousands  are  lost  under  huge  wreaths  of  snow.  'Tis  a 
pity  the  farmers  cannot  contrive  some  means  to  shelter  this 
useful  animal  from  the  inclemencies  of  a  rigorous  climate, 
especially  from  the  perpetual  rains,  which  are  more  prejudicial 
than  the  greatest  extremity  of  cold  weather. 

On  the  little  river  Nid  is  situated  the  castle  of  Drumlanrig, 
one  of  the  noblest  seats  in  Great  Britain,  belonging  to  the 
Duke  of  Queensberry,  one  of  those  few  noblemen  whose  good- 
ness of  heart  does  honour  to  human  nature.  I  shall  not  pre- 
tend to  enter  into  a  description  of  this  palace,  which  is  really 
an  instance  of  the  sublime  in  magnificence,  as  well  as  in  situa- 
tion, and  puts  one  in  mind  of  the  beautiful  city  of  Palmyra, 
rising  like  a  vision  in  the  midst  of  the  wilderness.  His  Grace 
keeps  open  house,  and  lives  with  great  splendour.  He  did  us 
the  honour  to  receive  us  with  great  courtesy,  and  detain  us  all 
night,  together  with  above  twenty  other  guests,  with  all  their 
servants  and  horses,  to  a  very  considerable  number.  The 
Duchess  was  equally  gracious,  and  took  our  ladies  under  her 
immediate  protection.  The  longer  I  live,  I  see  more  reason 
to  believe  that  prejudices  of  education  are  never  wholly  eradi- 
cated, even  when  they  are  discovered  to  be  erroneous  and  ab- 
surd.   Such  habits  of  thinking,  as  interest  the  grand  passions, 

283 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

cleave  to  the  human  heart  in  such  a  manner,  that  though  an 
effort  of  reason  may  force  them  from  their  hold  for  a  moment, 
this  violence  no  sooner  ceases,  than  they  resume  their  grasp 
with  an  increased  elasticity  and  adhesion. 

I  am  led  into  this  reflection  by  what  passed  at  the  Duke's 
table  after  supper.  The  conversation  turned  upon  the  vulgar 
notions  of  spirits  and  omens,  that  prevail  among  the  common- 
alty of  North  Britain,  and  all  the  company  agreed,  that  noth- 
ing could  be  more  ridiculous.  One  gentleman,  however,  told 
a  remarkable  story  of  himself,  by  way  of  speculation. — "  Be- 
ing on  a  party  off  hunting  in  the  north,"  said  he,  "  I  resolved 
to  visit  an  old  friend,  whom  I  had  not  seen  for  twenty  years. 
So  long  he  had  been  retired  and  sequestrated  from  all  his  ac- 
quaintance, and  lived  in  a  moping,  melancholy  way,  much 
afflicted  with  lowness  of  spirits,  occasioned  by  the  death  of 
his  wife,  whom  he  had  loved  with  uncommon  affection.  As 
he  resided  in  a  remote  part  of  the  country,  and  we  were  five 
gentlemen,  with  as  many  servants,  we  carried  some  provision 
with  us  from  the  next  market  town,  lest  we  should  find  him 
unprepared  for  our  reception.  The  roads  being  bad,  we  did 
not  arrive  at  the  house  till  two  o'clock  in  the  afternoon,  and 
were  agreeably  surprised  to  find  a  very  good  dinner  ready  in 
the  kitchen,  and  the  cloth  laid  with  six  covers.  My  friend 
himself  appeared  in  his  best  apparel  at  the  gate,  and  received 
us  with  open  arms,  telling  me  he  had  been  expecting  us  these 
two  hours.  Astonished  at  this  declaration,  I  asked  who  had 
given  him  intelligence  of  our  coming?  and  he  smiled,  without 
making  any  other  reply.  However,  presuming  upon  our 
former  intimacy,  I  afterwards  insisted  upon  knowing ;  and  he 
told  me,  very  gravely,  he  had  seen  me  in  a  vision  of  the 
second  sight;  nay,  he  called  in  the  evidence  of  his  steward, 
who  solemnly  declared,  that  his  master  had  the  day  before  ap- 
prised him  of  my  coming,  with  four  other  strangers,  and  or- 
dered him  to  provide  accordingly;  in  consequence  of  which 
intimation,  he  had  prepared  the  dinner  which  we  were  now 
eating,  and  laid  the  covers  according  to  the  number  foretold." 

The  incident  we  all  owned  to  be  remarkable,  and  I  endeav- 
oured to  account  for  it  by  natural  means.  I  observed,  that  as 
the  old  gentleman  was  of  a  visionary  turn,  the  casual  idea,  or 
remembrance  of  his  old  friend,  might  suggest  those  circum- 

284 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

stances  which  accident  had  for  once  realised;  but  that  in  all 
probability  he  had  seen  many  visions  of  the  same  kind,  which 
were  never  verified.  None  of  the  company  directly  dissented 
from  my  opinion,  but,  from  the  objections  that  were  hinted, 
I  could  plainly  perceive  that  the  majority  were  persuaded 
there  was  something  more  extraordinary  in  the  case. 

Another  gentleman  of  the  company,  "addressing  himself  to 
me,  "  Without  all  doubt,"  said  he,  "  a  diseased  imagination 
is  very  apt  to  produce  visions;  but  we  must  find  some  other 
method  to  account  for  something  of  this  kind,  that  happened 
within  these  eight  days  in  my  neighbourhood.  A  gentleman 
of  a  good  family,  who  cannot  be  deemed  a  visionary  in  any 
sense  of  the  word,  was,  near  his  own  gate,  in  the  twilight, 
visited  by  his  grandfather,  who  has  been  dead  these  fifteen 
years.  The  spectre  was  mounted,  seemingly,  on  the  very 
horse  he  used  to  ride,  with  an  angry  and  terrible  countenance, 
and  said  something,  which  his  grandson,  in  the  confusion  of 
his  fear,  could  not  understand.  But  this  was  not  all — ^he  lifted 
up  a  huge  horsewhip,  and  applied  it  with  great  violence  to  his 
back  and  shoulders,  on  which  I  saw  the  impression  with  my 
own  eyes.  The  apparition  was  afterwards  seen  by  the  sexton 
of  the  parish,  hovering  about  the  tomb  where  his  body  lies 
interred ;  as  the  man  declared  to  several  persons  in  the  village, 
before  he  knew  what  had  happened  to  the  gentleman ;  nay,  he 
actually  came  to  me,  as  a  justice  of  the  peace,  in  order  to  make 
oath  of  these  particulars,  which,  however,  I  declined  adminis-  ' 
tering.  As  for  the  grandson  of  the  defunct,  he  is  a  sober, 
sensible,  worldly-minded  fellow,  too  intent  upon  schemes  of 
interest  to  give  in  to  reveries.  He  would  have  willingly  con- 
cealed the  aflFair,  but  he  bawled  out  in  the  first  transport  of 
his  fear,  and,  running  into  the  house,  exposed  his  back  and 
his  sconce  to  the  whole  family ;  so  that  there  was  no  denying 
it  in  the  sequel.  It  is  now  the  common  discourse  of  the 
country,  that  this  appearance  and  behaviour  of  the  old  man's 
spirit  portends  some  great  calamity  to  the  family,  and  the 
good  woman  has  actually  taken  to  her  bed  in  this  apprehen- 
sion." 

Though  I  did  not  pretend  to  explain  this  mystery,  I  said  I 
did  not  at  all  doubt,  but  it  would  one  day  appear  to  be  a 
deception ;  and,  in  all  probability,  a  scheme  executed  by  some 

285 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

enemy  of  the  person  who  had  sustained  the  assault ;  but  still 
the  gentleman  insisted  upon  the  clearness  of  the  evidence,  and 
the  concurrence  of  testimony,  by  which  two  credible  witnesses, 
without  having  any  communication  one  with  another,  affirmed 
the  appearance  of  the  same  man,  with  whose  person  they  were 
both  well  acquainted. 

From  Drumlanrig  we  pursued  the  course  of  the  Nid  to 
Dumfries,  which  stands  several  miles  above  the  place  where 
the  river  falls  into  the  sea,  and  is,  after  Glasgow,  the  hand- 
somest town  I  have  seen  in  Scotland.  The  inhabitants,  indeed, 
seem  to  have  proposed  that  city  as  their  model ;  not  only  in 
beautifying  their  town  and  regulating  its  police,  but  also  in 
prosecuting  their  schemes  of  commerce  and  manufacture,  by 
which  they  are  grown  rich  and  opulent. 

We  re-entered  England  by  the  way  of  Carlisle,  where  we 
accidentally  met  with  our  friend  Lismahago,  whom  we  had 
in  vain  inquired  after  at  Dumfries  and  other  places.  It  would 
seem  that  the  captain,  like  the  prophets  of  old,  is  but  little 
honoured  in  his  own  country,  which  he  has  now  renounced 
for  ever.  He  gave  me  the  following  particulars  of  his  visit 
to  his  native  soil :  In  his  way  to  the  place  of  his  nativity,  he 
learned  that  his  nephew  had  married  the  daughter  of  a  bour- 
geois, who  directed  a  weaving  manufacture,  and  had  gone 
into  partnership  with  his  father-in-law ;  chagrined  with  this 
information,  he  had  arrived  at  the  gate  in  the  twilight,  where 
he  heard  the  sound  of  treddles  in  the  great  hall,  which  had 
exasperated  him  to  such  a  degree,  that  he  had  like  to  have 
lost  his  senses.  While  he  was  thus  transported  with  indigna- 
tion, his  nephew  chanced  to  come  forth,  when,  being  no  longer 
master  of  his  passion,  he  cried,  "  Degenerate  rascal,  you  have 
made  my  father's  house  a  den  of  thieves  " ;  and  at  the  same 
time  chastised  him  with  his  horsewhip ;  then,  riding  round 
the  adjoining  village,  he  had  visited  the  burying-ground  of 
his  ancestors  by  moonlight ;  and,  having  paid  his  respects  to 
their  names,  travelled  all  night  to  another  part  of  the  country. 
Finding  the  head  of  his  family  in  such  a  disgraceful  situation, 
all  his  own  friends  dead  or  removed  from  the  places  of  their 
former  residence,  and  the  expense  of  living  increased  to 
double  of  what  it  had  been  when  he  first  left  his  native  coim- 

286 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

try,  he  had  bid  it  an  eternal  adieu,  and  was  determined  to  seek 
for  repose  among  the  forests  of  America. 

I  was  no  longer  at  a  loss  to  account  for  the  apparition, 
which  had  been  described  at  Drumlanrig;  and  when  I  re- 
peated the  story  to  the  lieutenant,  he  was  much  pleased  to 
think  his  resentment  had  been  so  much  more  effectual  than 
he  intended ;  and  he  owned,  he  might  at  such  an  hour,  and  in 
such  an  equipage,  very  well  pass  for  the  ghost  of  his  father, 
whom  he  was  said  greatly  to  resemble.  Between  friends,  I 
fancy  Lismahago  will  find  a  retreat  without  going  so  far  as 
the  wigwams  of  the  Miamis.  My  sister  Tabby  is  making  con- 
tinual advances  to  him  in  the  way  of  affection ;  and,  if  I  may 
trust  to  appearances,  the  captain  is  disposed  to  take  opportu- 
nity by  the  forelock.  For  my  part,  I  intend  to  encourage  this 
correspondence,  and  shall  be  glad  to  see  them  united;  in  that 
case,  we  shall  find  a  way  to  settle  them  comfortably  in  our 
own  neighbourhood.  I,  and  my  servants,  will  get  rid  of  a 
very  troublesome  and  tyrannic  governante;  and  I  shall  have 
the  benefit  of  Lismahago's  conversation  without  being  obliged 
to  take  more  of  his  company  than  I  desire ;  for  though  an  olla 
is  a  high-flavoured  dish,  I  could  not  bear  to  dine  upon  it  every 
day  of  my  life. 

I  am  much  pleased  with  Manchester,  which  is  one  of  the 
most  agreeable  and  flourishing  towns  in  Great  Britain ;  and  I 
perceive,  that  this  is  the  place  which  hath  animated  the  spirit, 
and  suggested  the  chief  manufactures  of  Glasgow.  We  pro- 
pose to  visit  Chatsworth,  the  Peak,  and  Buxton,  from  which 
last  place  we  shall  proceed  directly  homewards,  though  by 
easy  journeys.  If  the  season  has  been  as  favourable  in  Wales, 
as  in  the  north,  your  harvest  is  happily  finished ;  and  we  have 
nothing  left  to  tliink  of  but  our  October,  of  which  let  Barnes 
be  properly  reminded.  You  will  find  me  much  better  in  flesh 
than  I  was  at  our  parting ;  and  this  short  separation  has  given 
a  new  edge  to  those  sentiments  of  friendship  with  which  I 
always  have  been,  and  ever  shall  be,  Yours, 

Manchester,  Sept.  15.      Matt.  Bramble. 

To  Mrs.  Gwyllim,  Housekeeper  at  Brambleton  Hall. 
Mrs.  Gwillim, — It  has  pleased  Providence  to  bring  us  safe 
back  to  England,  and  partake  us  in  many  pearls  by  land  and 

287 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

water,  in  particular,  the  Devil's  Harse-a-pike,  and  Hoydens 
Hole,  which  hath  got  no  bottom;  and,  as  we  are  drawing 
huomwards,  it  may  be  proper  to  uprise  you,  that  Brambleton 
Hall  may  be  in  a  condition  to  receive  us,  after  this  long  jour- 
ney to  the  islands  of  Scotland.  By  the  first  of  next  month 
you  may  begin  to  make  constant  fires  in  my  brother's  chamber 
and  mine ;  and  burn  a  f agget  every  day  in  the  yellow  damask 
room;  have  the  tester  and  curtains  dusted,  and  the  feather- 
bed and  matrosses  well  haired ;  because,  perhaps,  with  blissing 
of  Heaven,  they  may  be  yused  on  some  occasion.  Let  the  ould 
hogsheads  be  well  skewred  and  seasoned  for  bear,  as  Mat  is 
resolved  to  have  his  seller  choak-fool. 

If  the  house  was  mine  I  would  turn  over  a  new  leaf.  I 
don't  see  why  the  sarvants  of  Wales  shouldn't  drink  fair 
water,  and  eat  hot  cakes  and  barley  cale,  as  they  do  in  Scot- 
land, without  troubling  the  botcher  above  once  a  quarter.  I 
hope  you  keep  accunt  of  Roger's  purseeding  in  reverence  to 
the  buttermilk.  I  expect  my  due  when  I  come  huom,  without 
baiting  an  ass,  I'll  assure  you.  As  you  must  have  layed  a 
great  many  more  eggs  than  would  be  eaten,  I  do  suppose  there 
is  a  power  of  turks,  chickings,  and  guzzling  about  the  house ; 
and  a  brave  kergo  of  cheese  ready  for  market;  and  that  the 
owl  has  been  sent  to  Crickhowel,  saving  what  the  maide  spun 
in  the  family. 

Pray  let  the  whole  house  and  furniture  have  a  through 
cleaning  from  top  to  bottom,  for  the  honour  of  Wales ;  and  let 
Roger  search  into,  and  make  a  general  clearance  of  the  slit 
holes  which  the  maids  have  in  secret;  for  I  know  they  are 
much  given  to  sloath  and  uncleanness.  I  hope  you  have 
worked  a  reformation  among  them,  as  I  exhorted  you  in  my 
last,  and  set  their  hearts  upon  better  things  than  they  can  find 
in  junkitting  and  caterwauling  with  the  fellows  of  the  country. 

As  for  Win  Jenkins,  she  has  undergone  a  perfect  metamur- 
physis,  and  is  become  a  new  creeter  from  the  ammunition  of 
Humphry  Glinker,  our  new  footman,  a  pious  young  man,  who 
has  laboured  exceedingly,  that  she  may  bring  forth  fruits  of 
repentance.  I  make  no  doubt  but  he  will  take  the  same  pains 
with  that  pert  hussy  Mary  Jones,  and  all  of  you ;  and  that  he 

288 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

may  have  power  given  to  penetrate  and  instill  his  goodness, 
even  into  your  most  inward  parts,  is  the  fervent  prayer  of. 
Your  friend  in  the  spirit, 
Sept.  i8.  Tab.  Bramble. 


To  Dr.  Lewis. 

Dear  Lewis, — LIsmahago  is  more  paradoxical  than  ever. 
The  late  gulp  he  had  of  his  native  air  seems  to  have  blown 
fresh  spirits  into  all  his  polemical  faculties.  I  congratulated 
him  the  other  day  on  the  present  flourishing  state  of  his  coun- 
try, observing,  that  the  Scotch  were  now  in  a  fair  way  to  wipe 
off  the  national  reproach  of  poverty,  and  expressing  my  satis- 
faction at  the  happy  effects  of  the  Union,  so  conspicuous  in  the 
improvement  of  their  agriculture,  commerce,  manufactures, 
and  manners.  The  lieutenant,  screwing  up  his  features  into 
a  look  of  dissent  and  disgust,  commented  on  my  remarks  to 
this  effect : — 

"  Those  who  reproach  a  nation  for  its  poverty,  when  it  is 
not  owing  to  the  profligacy  or  vice  of  the  people,  deserve  no 
answer.  The  Lacedemonians  were  poorer  than  the  Scotch, 
when  they  took  the  lead  among  all  the  free  states  of  Greece, 
and  were  esteemed  above  them  all  for  their  valour  and  their 
virtue.  The  most  respectable  heroes  of  ancient  Rome,  such  as 
Fabricius,  Cincinnatus,  and  Regulus,  were  poorer  than  the 
poorest  freeholder  in  Scotland ;  and  there  are  at  this  day  in- 
dividuals in  North  Britain,  one  of  whom  can  produce  more 
gold  and  silver  than  the  whole  republic  of  Rome  could  raise 
at  those  times  when  her  public  virtue  shone  with  unrivalled 
lustre ;  and  poverty  was  so  far  from  being  a  reproach,  that  it 
added  fresh  laurels  to  her  fame,  because  it  indicated  a  noble 
contempt  of  wealth,  which  was  proof  against  all  the  arts  of 
corruption.  If  poverty  be  a  subject  of  reproach,  it  follows, 
that  wealth  is  the  object  of  esteem  and  veneration.  In  that 
case  there  are  Jews  and  others  in  Amsterdam  and  London, 
enriched  by  usury,  peculation,  and  different  species  of  fraud 
and  extortion,  who  are  more  estimable  than  the  most  virtuous 
and  illustrious  members  of  the  community ;  an  absurdity  which 
no  man  in  his  senses  will  offer  to  maintain.  Riches  are  cer- 
tainly no  proof  of  merit.     Nay,  they  are  often,  if  not  most 

i»  289 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

commonly,  acquired  by  persons  of  sordid  minds  and  mean 
talents.  Nor  do  they  give  any  intrinsic  worth  to  the  possessor ; 
but,  on  the  contrary,  tend  to  pervert  his  understanding,  and 
render  his  morals  more  depraved. 

"  But  granting  that  poverty  were  really  matter  of  reproach, 
it  cannot  be  justly  imputed  to  Scotland.  No  country  is  poor 
that  can  supply  its  inhabitants  with  the  necessaries  of  life,  and 
even  afford  articles  for  exportation.  Scotland  is  rich  in  nat- 
ural advantages.  It  produces  every  species  of  provision  in 
abundance,  vast  herds  of  cattle,  and  flocks  of  sheep,  with  a 
great  number  of  horses;  prodigious  quantities  of  wool  and 
flax,  with  plenty  of  copse  wood,  and  in  some  parts  large  for- 
ests of  timber.  The  earth  is  still  more  rich  below  than  above 
the  surface.  It  yields  inexhaustible  stores  of  coal,  freestone, 
marble,  lead,  iron,  copper,  and  silver,  with  some  gold.  The 
sea  abounds  with  excellent  fish,  and  salt  to  cure  them  for  ex- 
portation ;  and  there  are  creeks  and  harbours  round  the  whole 
kingdom,  for  the  convenience  and  security  of  navigation.  The 
face  of  the  country  displays  a  surprising  number  of  cities, 
towns,  villas,  and  villages,  swarming  with  people;  and  there 
seems  to  be  no  want  of  art,  industry,  government,  and  police. 
— Such  a  kingdom  never  can  be  called  poor,  in  any  sense  of 
the  word,  though  there  may  be  many  others  more  powerful 
and  opulent.  But  the  proper  use  of  those  advantages,  and  the 
present  prosperity  of  the  Scotch,  you  seem  to  derive  from  the 
Union  of  the  two  kingdoms." 

I  said,  I  supposed  he  would  not  deny  that  the  appearance 
of  the  country  was  much  mended ;  that  the  people  lived  bet- 
ter, had  more  trade,  and  a  greater  quantity  of  money  circu- 
lating since  the  Union  than  before.  "  I  may  safely  admit 
these  premises,"  answered  the  lieutenant,  "  without  subscrib- 
ing to  your  inference.  The  difference  you  mention,  I  should 
take  to  be  the  natural  progress  of  improvement. — Since  that 
period,  other  nations,  such  as  the  Swedes,  the  Danes,  and  in 
particular  the  French,  have  greatly  increased  in  commerce, 
without  any  such  cause  assigned.  Before  the  Union,  there 
was  a  remarkable  spirit  of  trade  among  the  Scotch,  as  ap- 
peared in  the  case  of  their  Darien  Company,  in  which  they 
had  embarked  no  less  than  four  hundred  thousand  pounds 
sterling;  and  in  the  flourishing  state  of  the  maritime  towns 

290 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

in  Fife,  and  on  the  eastern  coast,  enriched  by  their  trade  with 
France,  which  failed  in  consequence  of  the  Union.  The  only 
solid  commercial  advantage  reaped  from  that  measure  was 
the  privilege  of  trading  to  the  English  plantations;  yet,  ex- 
cepting Glasgow  and  Dumfries,  I  don't  know  any  other 
Scotch  towns  concerned  in  that  traffic.  In  other  respects,  I 
conceive  the  Scotch  were  losers  by  the  Union.  They  lost  the 
independency  of  their  state,  the  greatest  prop  of  national 
spirit ;  they  lost  their  parliament,  and  their  courts  of  justice 
were  subjected  to  the  revision  and  supremacy  of  an  English 
tribunal." 

"  Softly,  captain,"  cried  I,  "  you  cannot  be  said  to  have 
lost  your  own  parliament,  while  you  are  represented  in  that 
of  Great  Britain." — "  True,"  said  he,  with  a  sarcastic  grin, 
"  in  debates  of  national  competition,  the  sixteen  peers  and 
forty-five  commoners  of  Scotland  must  make  a  formidable 
figure  in  the  scale,  against  the  whole  English  legislature." — 
"  Be  that  as  it  may,"  I  observed,  "  while  I  had  the  honour  to 
sit  in  the  Lower  House,  the  Scotch  members  had  always  the 
majority  on  their  side." — "  I  understand  you,  sir,"  said  he, 
"  they  generally  side  with  the  majority ;  so  much  the  worse 
for  their  constituents.  But  even  this  evil  is  not  the  worst  they 
have  sustained  by  the  Union.  Their  trade  has  been  saddled 
with  grievous  impositions,  and  every  article  of  living  severely 
taxed,  to  pay  the  interest  of  enormous  debts  contracted  by 
the  English,  in  support  of  measures  and  connexions  in  which 
the  Scotch  had  no  interest  nor  concern."  I  begged  he  would 
at  least  allow,  that,  by  the  Union,  the  Scotch  were  admitted 
to  all  the  privileges  and  immunities  of  English  subjects ;  by 
which  means,  multitudes  of  them  were  provided  for  in  the 
army  and  navy,  and  got  fortunes  in  different  parts  of  England 
and  its  dominions.  "  All  these,"  said  he,  "  become  English 
subjects  to  all  intents  and  purposes,  and  are  in  a  great  meas- 
ure lost  to  their  mother  country.  The  spirit  of  rambling  and 
adventure  has  been  always  peculiar  to  the  natives  of  Scot- 
land. If  they  had  not  met  with  encouragement  in  England, 
they  would  have  served  and  settled,  as  formerly,  in  other 
countries,  such  as  Muscovy,  Sweden,  Denmark,  Poland, 
Germany,  France,  Piedmont,  and  Italy,  in  all  which  na- 
tions their  descendants  continue  to  flourish  even  at  this  day." 

291 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

By  this  time  my  patience  began  to  fail,  and  I  exclaimed, 
"  For  God's  sake,  what  has  England  got  by  this  Union, 
which,  you  say,  has  been  so  productive  of  misfortune  to  the 
Scotch  ?  " — "  Great  and  manifold  are  the  advantages  which 
England  derives  from  the  Union,"  said  Lismahago,  in  a 
solemn  tone.  "  First  and  foremost,  the  settlement  of  the 
Protestant  succession,  a  point  which  the  English  ministry 
drove  with  such  eagerness,  that  no  stone  was  left  unturned 
to  cajole  and  bribe  a  few  leading  men,  to  cram  the  Union 
down  the  throats  of  the  Scottish  nation,  who  were  surpris- 
ingly averse  to  the  expedient.  They  gained  by  it  a  consider- 
able addition  of  territory,  extending  their  dominion  to  the 
sea  on  all  sides  of  the  island,  thereby  shutting  up  all  back 
doors  against  the  enterprises  of  their  enemies.  They  got  an 
accession  of  above  a  million  of  useful  subjects,  constituting  a 
never-failing  nursery  of  seamen,  soldiers,  labourers,  and  me- 
chanics ;  a  most  valuable  acquisition  to  a  trading  country, 
exposed  to  foreign  wars,  and  obliged  to  maintain  a  number 
of  settlements  in  all  the  four  quarters  of  the  globe.  In  the 
course  of  seven  years,  during  the  last  war,  Scotland  furnished 
the  English  army  and  navy  with  seventy  thousand  men, 
over  and  above  those  who  migrated  to  their  colonies,  or 
mingled  with  them  at  home  in  the  civil  departments  of  life. 
This  was  a  very  considerable  and  seasonable  supply  to  a 
nation,  whose  people  had  been  for  many  years  decreasing  in 
number,  and  whose  lands  and  manufactures  were  actually 
suffering  for  want  of  hands.  I  need  not  remind  you  of  the 
hackneyed  maxim,  that,  to  a  nation  in  such  circumstances, 
a  supf)ly  of  industrious  people  is  a  supply  of  wealth;  nor  re- 
peat an  observation,  which  is  now  received  as  an  eternal 
truth,  even  among  the  English  themselves,  that  the  Scotch 
who  settle  in  South  Britain  are  remarkably  sober,  orderly, 
and  industrious." 

I  allowed  the  truth  of  this  remark,  adding,  that,  by  their 
industry,  economy,  and  circumspection,  many  of  them  in 
England,  as  well  as  in  her  colonies,  amassed  large  fortunes, 
with  which  they  returned  to  their  own  country,  and  this  was 
so  much  lost  to  South  Britain. 

"  Give  me  leave,  sir,"  said  he,  "  to  assure  you,  that  in  your 
fact  you  are  mistaken,  and  in  your  deduction  erroneous.    Not 

292 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

one  in  two  hundred  that  leaves  Scotland  ever  returns  to 
settle  in  his  own  country ;  and  the  few  that  do  return,  carry- 
thither  nothing  that  can  possibly  diminish  the  stock  of  South 
Britain ;  for  none  of  their  treasure  stagnates  in  Scotland. 
There  is  a  continual  circulation,  like  that  of  the  blood  in  the 
human  body,  and  England  is  the  heart,  to  which  all  the 
streams  which  it  distributes  are  refunded  and  returned ;  nay, 
in  consequence  of  that  luxury,  which  our  connexion  with 
England  hath  greatly  encouraged,  if  not  introduced,  all  the 
produce  of  our  lands,  and  all  the  profits  of  our  trade,  are  en- 
grossed by  the  natives  of  South  Britain ;  for  you  will  find 
that  the  exchange  between  the  two  kingdoms  is  always 
against  Scotland,  and  that  she  retains  neither  gold  nor  silver 
sufficient  for  her  own  circulation.  The  Scotch,  not  content 
with  their  own  manufactures  and  produce,  which  would  very 
well  answer  all  necessary  occasions,  seem  to  vie  with  each 
other  in  purchasing  superfluities  from  England,  such  as 
broadcloth,  velvets,  stuffs,  silks,  lace,  furs,  jewels,  furniture 
of  all  sorts,  sugar,  rum,  tea,  chocolate,  and  coflFee ;  in  a  word, 
not  only  every  mode  of  the  most  extravagant  luxury,  but 
even  many  articles  of  convenience,  which  they  might  find  as 
good,  and  much  cheaper  in  their  own  country.  For  all  these 
particulars,  England,  I  conceive,  may  touch  about  one  mil- 
lion sterling  a  year.  I  don't  pretend  to  make  an  exact  cal- 
culation ;  perhaps  it  may  be  something  less,  and  perhaps  a 
great  deal  more.  The  annual  revenue  arising  from  all  the 
private  estates  of  Scotland  cannot  fall  short  of  a  million  ster- 
ling; and  I  should  imagine  their  trade  will  amount  to  as 
much  more.  I  know,  the  linen  manufacture  alone  returns 
near  half  a  million,  exclusive  of  the  home  consumption  of 
that  article.  If,  therefore.  North  Britain  pays  a  balance  of  a 
million  annually  to  England,  I  insist  upon  it,  that  country 
is  more  valuable  to  her,  in  the  way  of  commerce,  than  any 
colony  in  her  possession,  over  and  above  the  other  advan- 
tages which  I  have  specified ;  therefore,  they  are  no  friends 
either  to  England  or  to  truth,  who  affect  to  depreciate  the 
northern  part  of  the  United  Kingdom." 

I  must  own,  I  was  at  first  a  little  nettled  to  find  myself 
schooled  in  so  many  particulars.  Though  I  did  not  receive 
all  his  assertions  as  gospel,  I  was  not  prepared  to  refute 

2Q3 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

them ;  and  I  cannot  help  now  acquiescing  in  his  remarks,  so 
far  as  to  think,  that  the  contempt  for  Scotland,  which  pre- 
vails too  much  on  this  side  of  the  Tweed,  is  founded  on  preju- 
dice and  error.  After  some  recollection,  "  Well,  captain," 
.said  I,  "  you  have  argued  stoutly  for  the  importance  of  your 
own  country.  For  my  part,  I  have  such  a  regard  for  our 
fellow-subjects  of  North  Britain,  that  I  should  be  glad  to  see 
the  day  when  your  peasants  can  afford  to  give  all  their  oats 
to  their  cattle,  hogs,  and  poultry,  and  indulge  themselves 
with  good  wheaten  loaves,  instead  of  such  poor,  unpalatable, 
and  inflammatory  diet."  Here  again  I  brought  myself  into 
a  premunire  with  the  disputatious  Caledonian.  He  said,  he 
hoped  he  should  never  see  the  common  people  lifted  out  of 
that  sphere  for  which  they  were  intended  by  nature  and  the 
course  of  things ;  that  they  might  have  some  reason  to  com- 
plain of  their  bread,  if  it  were  mixed,  like  that  of  Norway, 
with  saw-dust  and  fish-bones;  but  that  oatmeal  was,  he  ap- 
prehended, as  nourishing  and  salutary  as  wheat-flour,  and 
the  Scotch  in  general  thought  it  at  least  as  savoury.  He 
affirmed,  that  a  mouse,  which  in  the  article  of  self-preserva- 
tion, might  be  supposed  to  act  from  infallible  instinct,  would 
always  prefer  oats  to  wheat,  as  appeared  from  experience ; 
for,  in  a  place  where  there  was  a  parcel  of  each,  that  animal 
had  never  begun  to  feed  upon  the  latter  till  all  the  oats  were 
consumed.  For  their  nutritive  quality,  he  appealed  to  the 
hale  robust  constitutions  of  the  people,  who  lived  chiefly 
upon  oatmeal ;  and  instead  of  being  inflammatory,  he  as- 
serted, that  it  was  cooling,  subacid,  balsamic,  and  mucila- 
ginous; insomuch,  that,  in  all  inflammatory  distempers,  re- 
course was  had  to  water-gruel,  and  flummery  made  of 
oatmeal. 

"  At  least,"  said  I,  "  give  me  leave  to  wish  them  such  a 
degree  of  commerce  as  may  enable  them  to  follow  their  own 
inclinations." — "  Heaven  forbid !  "  cried  the  philosopher. 
"  Woe  be  to  that  nation  where  the  multitude  is  at  liberty  to 
follow  their  own  inclinations!  Commerce  is  undoubtedly  a 
blessing,  while  restrained  within  its  proper  channels;  but  a 
glut  of  wealth  brings  along  with  it  a  glut  of  evils.  It  brings 
false  taste,  false  appetite,  false  wants,  profusion,  venality, 
contempt  of  order,  engendering  a  spirit  of  licentiousness,  in- 

2Qd 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

science,  and  faction,  that  keeps  the  community  in  continual 
ferment,  and  in  time  destroys  all  the  distinctions  of  civil 
society;  so  that  universal  anarchy  and  uproar  must  ensue. 
Will  any  sensible  man  affirm,  that  the  national  advantages 
of  opulence  are  to  be  sought  on  these  terms  ?  No,  sure ; — 
but  I  am  one  of  those  who  think,  that,  by  proper  regulations, 
commerce  may  produce  every  national  benefit,  without  the 
allay  of  such  concomitant  evils." 

So  much  for  the  dogmata  of  my  friend  Lismahago,  whom 
I  describe  the  more  circumstantially,  as  I  firmly  believe  he 
will  set  up  his  rest  in  Monmouthshire.  Yesterday,  while  I 
was  alone  with  him,  he  asked,  in  some  confusion,  if  I  should 
have  any  objection  to  the  success  of  a  gentleman  and  a  sol- 
dier, provided  he  should  be  so  fortunate  as  to  engage  my 
sister's  affection?  I  answered,  without  hesitation,  that  my 
sister  was  old  enough  to  judge  for  herself;  and  that  I  should 
be  very  far  from  disapproving  any  resolution  she  might  take 
in  his  favour.  His  eyes  sparkled  at  this  declaration.  He 
declared,  he  should  think  himself  the  happiest  man  on  earth 
to  be  connected  with  my  family ;  and  that  he  should  never 
be  weary  of  giving  me  proofs  of  his  gratitude  and  attach- 
ment. I  suppose  Tabby  and  he  are  already  agreed,  in  which 
case  we  shall  have  a  wedding  at  Brambleton  Hall,  and  you 
shall  give  away  the  bride.  It  is  the  least  thing  you  can  do, 
by  way  of  atonement  for  your  former  cruelty  to  that  poor 
love-sick  maiden,  who  has  been  so  long  a  thorn  in  the  side 
of  Yours,  Matt.  Bramble. 

Sept.  20. 

We  have  been  at  Buxton ;  but,  as  I  did  not  much  relish 
either  the  company  or  the  accommodations,  and  had  no  oc- 
casion for  the  water,  we  stayed  but  two  nights  in  the  place. 


To  Sir  Watkin  Phillips,  Bart,  at  Oxon. 

Dear  Wat, — Adventures  begin  to  thicken  as  we  advance 
to  the  southward.  Lismahago  has  now  professed  himself 
the  admirer  of  our  aunt,  and  carries  on  his  addresses  under 
the  sanction  of  her  brother's  approbation ;  so  that  we  shall 
certainly  have  a  wedding  by  Christmas.     I  should  be  glad 

295 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

you  was  present  at  the  nuptials,  to  help  me  throw  the  stock- 
ing, and  perform  other  ceremonies  peculiar  to  the  occasion. 
I  am  sure  it  will  be  productive  of  some  diversion ;  and,  truly, 
it  will  be  worth  your  while  to  come  across  the  country  on 
purpose  to  see  two  such  original  figures  in  bed  together,  with 
their  laced  night-caps ;  he  the  emblem  of  good  cheer,  and  she 
the  picture  of  good-nature.  All  this  agreeable  prospect  was 
clouded,  and  had  well-nigh  vanished  entirely,  in  consequence 
of  a  late  misunderstanding  between  the  future  brothers-in- 
law,  which,  however,  is  now  happily  removed. 

A  few  days  ago,  my  uncle  and  I,  going  to  visit  a  relation, 
met  with  Lord  Oxmington  at  his  house,  who  asked  us  to 
dine  with  him  next  day,  and  we  accepted  the  invitation.  Ac- 
cordingly, leaving  our  women  under  the  care  of  Captain 
Lismahago,  at  the  inn  where  we  had  lodged  the  preceding 
night,  in  a  little  town,  about  a  mile  from  his  lordship's  dwell- 
ing, we  went  at  the  hour  appointed,  and  had  a  fashionable 
meal,  served  up  with  much  ostentation,  to  a  company  of 
about  a  dozen  persons,  none  of  whom  we  had  ever  seen  be- 
fore. His  lordship  is  much  more  remarkable  for  his  pride  and 
caprice  than  for  his  hospitality  and  understanding ;  and,  in- 
deed, it  appeared  that  he  considered  his  guests  merely  as 
objects  to  shine  upon,  so  as  to  reflect  the  lustre  of  his  own 
magnificence.  There  was  much  state,  but  no  courtesy;  and 
a  great  deal  of  compliment,  without  any  conversation. 

Before  the  dessert  was  removed,  our  noble  entertainer  pro- 
posed three  general  toasts;  then  calling  for  a  glass  of  wine, 
and  bowing  all  round,  wished  us  a  good  afternoon.  This 
was  the  signal  for  the  company  to  break  up,  and  they  obeyed 
it  immediately,  all  except  our  squire,  who  was  greatly 
shocked  at  the  manner  of  this  dismission.  He  changed  coun- 
tenance, bit  his  lip  in  silence,  but  still  kept  his  seat,  so  that 
his  lordship  found  himself  obliged  to  give  us  another  hint, 
by  saying  he  should  be  glad  to  see  us  another  time.  "  There 
is  no  time  like  the  present  time,"  cried  Mr.  Bramble ;  "  your 
lordship  has  not  yet  drank  a  bumper  to  the  best  in  Christen- 
dom."— "  I'll  drink  no  more  bumpers  to-day,"  answered  our 
landlord ;  "  and  I  am  sorry  to  see  you  have  drank  too  many 
— order  the  gentleman's  carriage  to  the  gate."  So  saying, 
he  rose  and  retired  abruptly;  our  squire  starting  up  at  the 

296 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

same  time,  laying  his  hand  upon  his  sword,  and  eyeing  him 
with  a  most  ferocious  aspect.  The  master  having  vanished 
in  this  manner,  our  uncle  bade  one  of  the  servants  see  what 
was  to  pay ;  and  the  fellow  answering,  "  This  is  no  inn  " : — 
"  I  cry  you  mercy,"  said  the  other,  "  I  perceive  it  is  not ;  if 
it  were,  the  landlord  would  be  more  civil.  There's  a  guinea, 
however ;  take  it,  and  tell  your  lord  that  I  shall  not  leave  the 
country  till  I  have  had  an  opportunity  to  thank  him  in  per- 
son for  his  politeness  and  hospitality." 

We  then  walked  downstairs  through  a  double  range  of 
lacqueys,  and  getting  into  the  chaise,  proceeded  homewards. 
Perceiving  the  squire  much  ruffled,  I  ventured  to  disapprove 
of  his  resentment,  observing,  that,  as  Lord  Oxmington  was 
well  known  to  have  his  brain  very  ill  timbered,  a  sensible 
man  should  rather  laugh  than  be  angry  at  his  ridiculous  want 
of  breeding.  Mr.  Bramble  took  umbrage  at  my  presuming 
to  be  wiser  than  he  upon  this  occasion ;  and  told  me,  that,  as 
he  had  always  thought  for  himself  in  every  occurrence  in  life, 
he  would  still  use  the  same  privilege,  with  my  good  leave. 

When  we  returned  to  our  inn,  he  closeted  Lismahago ;  and 
having  explained  his  grievance,  desired  that  gentleman  to  go 
and  demand  satisfaction  of  Lord  Oxmington  in  his  name. 
The  lieutenant  charged  himself  with  this  commission,  and 
immediately  set  out  a-horseback  for  his  lordship's  house, 
attended,  at  his  own  request,  by  my  man  Archy  M'Alpin, 
who  had  been  used  to  military  service ;  and  truly,  if  M'Alpin 
had  been  mounted  upon  an  ass,  this  couple  might  have 
passed  for  the  knight  of  La  Mancha  and  his  squire  Panza.  It 
was  not  till  after  some  demur,  that  Lismahago  obtained  a 
private  audience,  at  which  he  formally  defied  his  lordship  to 
single  combat,  in  the  name  of  Mr.  Bramble,  and  desired  him 
to  appoint  the  time  and  place.  Lord  Oxmington  was  so 
confounded  at  this  unexpected  message,  that  he  could  not, 
for  some  time,  make  any  articulate  reply ;  but  stood  staring 
at  the  lieutenant  with  manifest  marks  of  perturbation.  At 
length,  ringing  a  bell  with  great  vehemence,  he  exclaimed, 
"  What !  a  commoner  send  a  challenge  to  a  peer  of  the 
realm  ! — Privilege !  privilege ! — Here's  a  person  brings  me  a 
challenge  from  the  Welshman  that  dined  at  my  table.  An 
impudent  fellow ! — My  wine  is  not  yet  out  of  his  head." 

297 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

The  whole  house  was  immediately  in  commotion.  M'Al- 
pin  made  a  soldierly  retreat  with  the  two  horses;  but  the 
captain  was  suddenly  surrounded  and  disarmed  by  the  foot- 
men, whom  a  French  valet-de-chambre  headed  in  this  ex- 
ploit ;  his  sword  was  passed  through  a  close-stool,  and  his 
person  through  the  horse-pond.  In  this  plight  he  returned 
to  the  inn,  half  mad  with  his  disgrace.  So  violent  was  the 
rage  of  his  indignation,  that  he  mistook  its  object.  He 
wanted  to  quarrel  with  Mr.  Bramble ;  he  said  he  had  been 
dishonoured  on  his  account,  and  he  looked  for  reparation  at 
his  hands.  My  uncle's  back  was  up  in  a  moment ;  and  he 
desired  him  to  explain  his  pretensions.  "  Either  compel 
Lord  Oxmington  to  give  me  satisfaction,"  cried  he,  "  or  give 
it  me  in  your  person." — "  The  latter  part  of  the  alternative 
is  the  most  easy  and  expeditious,"  replied  the  squire,  starting 
up ;  "  If  you  are  disposed  for  a  walk,  I'll  attend  you  this 
moment." 

Here  they  were  interrupted  by  Mrs.  Tabby,  who  had  over- 
heard all  that  passed.  She  now  burst  into  the  room,  and 
running  betwixt  them,  in  great  agitation,  "  Is  this  your  re- 
gard for  me,"  said  she  to  the  lieutenant,  "  to  seek  the  hfe  of 
my  brother?  "  Lismahago,  who  seemed  to  grow  cool  as  my 
uncle  grew  hot,  assured  her  he  had  a  very  great  respect  for 
Mr.  Bramble,  but  he  had  still  more  for  his  own  honour, 
which  had  suffered  pollution ;  but  if  that  could  be  once  puri- 
fied, he  should  have  no  farther  cause  for  dissatisfaction.  The 
squire  said,  he  should  have  thought  it  incumbent  upon  him 
to  vindicate  the  lieutenant's  honour ;  but  as  he  now  carved 
for  himself,  he  might  swallow  and  digest  it  as  well  as  he 
could.  In  a  word,  what  betwixt  the  mediation  of  Mrs.  Tab- 
itha,  the  recollection  of  the  captain,  who  perceived  he  had 
gone  too  far,  and  the  remonstrances  of  your  humble  servant, 
who  joined  them  at  this  juncture,  those  two  originals  were 
perfectly  reconciled ;  and  then  we  proceeded  to  deliberate 
upon  the  means  of  taking  vengeance  for  the  insults  they  had 
received  from  the  petulant  peer ;  for  until  that  aim  should  be 
accomplished,  Mr.  Bramble  swore,  with  great  emphasis,  that 
he  would  not  leave  the  inn  where  we  now  lodged,  even  if  he 
should  pass  his  Christmas  on  the  spot. 

In  consequence  of  our  deliberations,  we  next  day,  in  the 

298 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

forenoon,  proceeded  in  a  body  to  his  lordship's  house,  all  of 
us,  with  our  servants,  including  the  coachman,  mounted 
a-horseback,  with  our  pistols  loaded  and  ready  primed.  Thus 
prepared  for  action,  we  paraded  solemnly  and  slowly  before 
his  lordship's  gate,  which  we  passed  three  times,  in  such  a 
manner,  that  he  could  not  but  see  us,  and  suspect  the  cause 
of  our  appearance.  After  dinner  we  returned,  and  performed 
the  same  cavalcade,  which  was  again  repeated  the  morning 
following ;  but  we  had  no  occasion  to  persist  in  these  ma- 
noeuvres. About  noon  we  were  visited  by  the  gentleman  at 
whose  house  we  had  first  seen  Lord  Oxmington.  He  now 
came  to  make  apologies  in  the  name  of  his  lordship,  who  de- 
clared he  had  no  intention  to  give  oflfence  to  my  uncle,  in 
practising  what  had  been  always  the  custom  of  his  house ; 
and  that  as  for  the  indignities  which  had  been  put  upon  the 
officer,  they  were  offered  without  his  lordship's  knowledge, 
at  the  instigation  of  his  valet-de-chambre.  "  If  that  be  the 
case,"  said  my  uncle,  in  a  peremptory  tone,  "  I  shall  be  con- 
tented with  Lord  Oxmington 's  personal  excuses ;  and  I  hope 
my  friend  will  be  satisfied  with  his  lordship's  turning  that  in- 
solent rascal  out  of  his  service." — "  Sir,"  cried  Lismahago, 
"  I  must  insist  upon  taking  personal  vengeance  for  the  per- 
sonal injuries  I  have  sustained." 

After  some  debate,  the  aflfair  was  adjusted  in  this  manner. 
His  lordship,  meeting  us  at  our  friend's  house,  declared  he 
was  sorry  for  what  had  happened ;  and  that  he  had  no  inten- 
tion to  give  umbrage.  The  valet-de-chambre  asked  pardon 
of  the  lieutenant  upon  his  knees,  when  Lismahago,  to  the 
astonishment  of  all  present,  gave  him  a  violent  kick  on  the 
face,  which  laid  him  on  his  back,  exclaiming,  in  a  furious 
tone,  "  Oui,  je  te  pardonne,  gens  f autre." 

Such  was  the  fortunate  issue  of  this  perilous  adventure, 
which  threatened  abundance  of  vexation  to  our  family ;  for 
the  squire  is  one  of  those  who  will  sacrifice  both  life  and  for- 
tune, rather  than  leave  what  he  conceives  to  be  the  least 
speck  or  blemish  upon  his  honour  and  reputation.  His  lord- 
ship had  no  sooner  pronounced  his  apology,  with  a  very  bad 
grace,  than  he  went  away  in  some  disorder,  and,  I  daresay, 
he  will  never  invite  another  Welshman  to  his  table. 

We  forthwith  quitted  the  field  of  this  achievement,  in  or- 

299 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

der  to  prosecute  our  journey ;  but  we  followed  no  determi- 
nate course.  We  make  small  deviations  to  see  the  remarkable 
towns,  villas,  and  curiosities  on  each  side  of  our  route ;  so 
that  we  advance  by  slow  steps  towards  the  borders  of  Mon- 
mouthshire. But,  in  the  midst  of  these  irregular  motions, 
there  is  no  aberration  nor  eccentricity  in  that  affection  with 
which  I  am,  dear  Wat,  yours  always,  J.  Melford. 

September  28. 


To  Dr.  Lewis. 

Dear  Dick, — At  what  time  of  life  may  a  man  think  him- 
self exempted  from  the  necessity  of  sacrificing  his  repose  to 
the  punctilios  of  a  contemptible  world?  I  have  been  en- 
gaged in  a  ridiculous  adventure,  which  I  shall  recount  at 
meeting;  and  this,  I  hope,  will  not  be  much  longer  delayed, 
as  we  have  now  performed  almost  all  our  visits,  and  seen 
everything  that  I  think  has  any  right  to  retard  us  in  our 
journey  homewards.  A  few  days  ago,  understanding,  by 
accident,  that  my  old  friend  Baynard  was  in  the  country,  I 
would  not  pass  so  near  his  habitation  without  paying  him  a 
visit,  though  our  correspondence  had  been  interrupted  for  a 
long  course  of  years. 

I  felt  myself  very  sensibly  affected  by  the  ideas  of  our  past 
intimacy,  as  we  approached  the  place  where  we  had  spent  so 
many  happy  days  together;  but  when  we  arrived  at  the 
house,  I  could  not  recognise  any  one  of  those  objects  which 
had  been  so  deeply  impressed  upon  my  remembrance.  The 
tall  oaks  that  shaded  the  avenue  had  been  cut  down,  and  the 
iron  gates  at  the  end  of  it  removed,  together  with  the  high 
wall  that  surrounded  the  court-yard.  The  house  itself,  which 
was  formerly  a  convent  of  Cistercian  monks,  had  a  vener- 
able appearance ;  and  along  the  front  that  looked  into  the 
garden,  was  a  stone  gallery,  which  afforded  me  many  an 
agreeable  walk,  when  I  was  disposed  to  be  contemplative. 
Now  the  old  front  is  covered  with  a  screen  of  modern  archi- 
tecture ;  so  that  all  without  is  Grecian,  and  all  within  Gothic. 
As  for  the  garden,  which  was  well  stocked  with  the  best  fruit 
which  England  could  produce,  there  is  not  now  the  least  ves- 
tige remaining  of  trees,  walls,  or  hedges.     Nothing  appears 

300 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

but  a  naked  circus  of  loose  sand,  with  a  dry  bason  and  a 
leaden  Triton  in  the  middle. 

You  must  know  that  Baynard,  at  his  father's  death,  had  a 
clear  estate  of  fifteen  hundred  pounds  a  year,  and  was  in 
other  respects  extremely  well  qualified  to  make  a  respectable 
figure  in  the  commonwealth ;  but,  what  with  some  excesses 
of  youth,  and  the  expense  of  a  contested  election,  he,  in  a 
few  years,  found  himself  encumbered  with  a  debt  of  ten 
thousand  pounds,  which  he  resolved  to  discharge  by  means 
of  a  prudent  marriage.  He  accordingly  married  a  Miss 
Thomson,  whose  fortune  amounted  to  double  the  sum  that 
he  owed.  She  was  the  daughter  of  a  citizen  who  had  failed 
in  trade ;  but  her  fortune  came  by  an  uncle,  who  died  in  the 
East  Indies.  Her  own  parents  being  dead,  she  lived  with  a 
maiden  aunt,  who  had  superintended  her  education,  and,  in 
all  appearance,  was  well  enough  qualified  for  the  usual  pur- 
poses of  the  married  state.  Her  virtues,  however,  stood 
rather  upon  a  negative  than  a  positive  foundation.  She  was 
neither  proud,  insolent,  nor  capricious,  nor  given  to  scandal, 
nor  addicted  to  gaming,  nor  inclined  to  gallantry.  She  could 
read,  and  write,  and  dance,  and  sing,  and  play  upon  the 
harpsichord,  and  smatter  French,  and  take  a  hand  at  whist 
and  ombre ;  but  even  these  accomplishments  she  possessed 
by  halves.  She  excelled  in  nothing.  Her  conversation  was 
flat,  her  style  mean,  and  her  expression  embarrassed.  In  a 
word,  her  character  was  totally  insipid.  Her  person  was  not 
disagreeable ;  but  there  was  nothing  graceful  in  her  address, 
nor  engaging  in  her  manners ;  and  she  was  so  ill-qualified  to 
do  the  honours  of  the  house,  that  when  she  sat  at  the  head 
of  the  table,  one  was  always  looking  for  the  mistress  of  the 
family  in  some  other  place. 

Baynard  had  flattered  himself  that  it  would  be  no  difficult 
matter  to  mould  such  a  subject  after  his  own  fashion,  and 
that  she  would  cheerfully  enter  into  his  views,  which  were 
wholly  turned  to  domestic  happiness.  He  proposed  to  reside 
always  in  the  country,  of  which  he  was  fond  to  a  degree  of 
enthusiasm ;  to  cultivate  his  estate,  which  was  very  improv- 
able ;  to  enjoy  the  exercise  of  rural  diversions ;  to  maintain 
an  intimacy  of  correspondence  with  some  friends  that  were 
settled  in  his  neighbourhood ;  to  keep  a  comfortable  house, 

301 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

without  suffering  his  expenses  to  exceed  the  Hmits  of  his  in- 
come ;  and  to  find  pleasure  and  employment  for  his  wife  in 
the  management  and  avocations  of  her  own  family.  This, 
however,  was  a  visionary  scheme,  which  he  never  was  able 
to  realise.  His  wife  was  as  ignorant  as  a  new-born  babe  of 
everything  that  related  to  the  conduct  of  a  family ;  and  she 
had  no  idea  of  a  country  life.  Her  understanding  did  not 
reach  so  far  as  to  comprehend  the  first  principles  of  discre- 
tion ;  and  indeed,  if  her  capacity  had  been  better  than  it  was, 
her  natural  indolence  would  not  have  permitted  her  to  aban- 
don a  certain  routine  to  which  she  had  been  habituated.  She 
had  not  taste  enough  to  relish  any  rational  enjoyment ;  but 
her  ruling  passion  was  vanity,  not  that  species  which  arises 
from  self-conceit  of  superior  accomplishments,  but  that  which 
is  of  a  bastard  and  idiot  nature,  excited  by  show  and  osten- 
tation, which  implies  not  even  the  least  consciousness  of  any 
personal  merit. 

The  nuptial  peal  of  noise  and  nonsense  being  rung  out  in 
all  the  usual  changes,  Mr.  Baynard  thought  it  high  time  to 
make  her  acquainted  with  the  particulars  of  the  plan  which 
he  had  projected.  He  told  her  that  his  fortune,  though  suffi- 
cient to  afford  all  the  comforts  of  life,  was  not  ample  enough 
to  command  all  the  superfluities  of  pomp  and  pageantry, 
which,  indeed,  were  equally  absurd  and  intolerable.  He 
therefore  hoped  she  would  have  no  objection  to  their  leaving 
London  in  the  spring,  when  he  would  take  the  opportunity 
to  dismiss  some  unnecessary  domestics,  whom  he  had  hired 
for  the  occasion  of  their  marriage.  She  heard  him  in  silence, 
and,  after  some  pause,  "  So,"  said  she,  "  I  am  to  be  buried 
in  the  country !  "  He  was  so  confounded  at  this  reply,  that 
he  could  not  speak  for  some  minutes ;  at  length  he  told  her 
he  was  much  mortified  to  find  he  had  proposed  anything 
that  was  disagreeable  to  her  ideas.  "  I  am  sure,"  added  he, 
"  I  meant  nothing  more  than  to  lay  down  a  comfortable  plan 
of  living  within  the  bounds  of  our  fortune,  which  is  but  mod- 
erate."— '*'  Sir,"  added  she,  "  you  are  the  best  judge  of  your 
own  affairs.  My  fortune,  I  know,  does  not  exceed  twenty 
thousand  pounds ;  yet,  even  with  that  pittance,  I  might  have 
had  a  husband  who  would  not  have  begrudged  me  a  house 
in  London  " —    "  Good  God !  my  dear,"  cried  poor  Baynard, 

302 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

in  the  utmost  agitation,  "  you  don't  think  me  so  sordid — I 
only  hinted  what  I  thought — but  I  don't  pretend  to  im- 
pose " —  "  Yes,  sir,"  resumed  the  lady,  "  it  is  your  preroga- 
tive to  command,  and  my  duty  to  obey." 

So  saying,  she  burst  into  tears,  and  retired  to  her  chamber, 
where  she  was  joined  by  her  aunt.  He  endeavoured  to  recol- 
lect himself,  and  act  with  vigour  of  mind  on  this  occasion ; 
but  was  betrayed  by  the  tenderness  of  his  nature,  which 
was  the  greatest  defect  of  his  constitution.  He  found  the 
aunt  in  tears,  and  the  niece  in  a  fit,  which  held  her  the  best 
part  of  eight  hours,  at  the  expiration  of  which,  she  began  to 
talk  incoherently  about  death  and  her  dear  husband,  who  had 
sat  by  her  all  this  time,  and  now  pressed  her  hands  to  his 
lips  in  a  transport  of  grief  and  penitence  for  the  oflfence  he 
had  given.  From  thenceforward  he  carefully  avoided  men- 
tioning the  country ;  and  they  continued  to  be  sucked  deeper 
and  deeper  into  the  vortex  of  extravagance  and  dissipation, 
leading  what  is  called  a  fashionable  life  in  town.  About  the 
latter  end  of  July,  however,  Mrs.  Baynard,  in  order  to  exhibit 
a  proof  of  conjugal  obedience,  desired,  of  her  own  accord, 
that  they  might  pay  a  visit  to  his  country  house,  as  there  was 
no  company  left  in  London.  He  would  have  excused  himself 
from  this  excursion,  which  was  no  part  of  the  economical 
plan  he  had  proposed ;  but  she  insisted  upon  making  this  sac- 
rifice to  his  taste  and  prejudices,  and  away  they  went  with 
such  an  equipage  as  astonished  the  whole  country.  All  that 
remained  of  the  season  was  engrossed  by  receiving  and  re- 
turning visits  in  the  neighbourhood ;  and,  in  this  intercourse, 
it  was  discovered  that  Sir  John  Chickwell  had  a  house  stew- 
ard and  one  footman  in  livery  more  than  the  complement  of 
Mr.  Baynard's  household.  This  remark  was  made  by  the 
aunt  at  table,  and  assented  to  by  the  husband,  who  observed, 
that  Sir  John  Chickwell  might  very  well  aflford  to  keep  more 
servants  than  were  found  in  the  family  of  a  man  who  had  not 
half  his  fortune.  Mrs.  Baynard  ate  no  supper  that  evening ; 
but  was  seized  with  a  violent  fit,  which  completed  her  tri- 
umph over  the  spirit  of  her  consort.  The  two  supernumerary 
servants  were  added.  The  family  plate  was  sold  for  old  sil- 
ver, and  a  new  service  procured ;  fashionable  furniture  was 
provided,  and  the  whole  house  turned  topsy-turvy. 

303 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

At  their  return  to  London,  in  the  beginning  of  winter,  he, 
with  a  heavy  heart,  communicated  these  particulars  to  me  in 
confidence.  Before  his  marriage  he  had  introduced  me  to 
the  lady  as  his  particular  friend ;  and  I  now  offered,  in  that 
character,  to  lay  before  her  the  necessity  of  reforming  her 
economy,  if  she  had  any  regard  to  the  interest  of  her  own 
family,  or  complaisance  for  the  inclinations  of  her  husband. 
But  Baynard  declined  my  ofifer,  on  the  supposition  that  his 
wife's  nerves  were  too  delicate  to  bear  expostulation ;  and 
that  it  would  only  serve  to  overwhelm  her  with  such  distress 
as  would  make  himself  miserable. 

Baynard  is  a  man  of  spirit,  and  had  she  proved  a  terma- 
gant, he  would  have  known  how  to  deal  with  her ;  but,  either 
by  accident  or  instinct,  she  fastened  upon  the  weak  side  of 
his  soul,  and  held  it  so  fast,  that  he  has  been  in  subjection 
ever  since.  I  afterwards  advised  him  to  carry  her  abroad  to 
France  and  Italy,  where  he  might  gratify  her  vanity  for  half 
the  expense  it  cost  him  in  England ;  and  this  advice  he  fol- 
lowed accordingly.  She  was  agreeably  flattered  with  the 
idea  of  seeing  and  knowing  foreign  parts  and  foreign  fash- 
ions, of  being  presented  to  sovereigns,  and  living  familiarly 
with  princes.  She  forthwith  seized  the  hint,  which  I  had 
thrown  out  on  purpose,  and  even  pressed  Mr.  Baynard  to 
hasten  his  departure ;  so  that,  in  a  few  weeks,  they  crossed 
the  sea  to  France,  with  a  moderate  train,  still  including  the 
aunt,  who  was  her  bosom  counsellor,  and  abetted  her  in  all 
her  opposition  to  her  husband's  will.  Since  that  period  I 
have  had  little  or  no  opportunity  to  renew  our  former  cor- 
respondence. All  that  I  knew  of  his  transactions  amounted 
to  no  more  than  that,  after  an  absence  of  two  years,  they  re- 
turned so  little  improved  in  economy,  that  they  launched 
out  into  new  oceans  of  extravagance,  which  at  length  obliged 
him  to  mortgage  his  estate.  By  this  time  she  had  borne  him 
three  children,  of  which  the  last  only  survives,  a  puny  boy  of 
twelve  or  thirteen,  who  will  be  ruined  in  his  education  by 
the  indulgence  of  his  mother. 

As  for  Baynard,  neither  his  own  good  sense,  nor  the  dread 
of  indigence, nor  the  consideration  of  his  children, has  been  of 
force  sufficient  to  stimulate  him  into  the  resolution  of  break- 
ing at  once  the  shameful  spell  by  which  he  seems  enchanted. 

304 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

With  a  taste  capable  of  the  most  refined  enjoyment,  a  heart 
glowing  with  all  the  warmth  of  friendship  and  humanity, 
and  a  disposition  strongly  turned  to  the  more  rational  pleas- 
ures of  a  retired  and  country  life,  he  is  hurried  about  in  a 
perpetual  tumult,  amidst  a  mob  of  beings  pleased  with  rat- 
tles, baubles,  and  gewgaws,  so  void  of  sense  and  distinction, 
that  even  the  most  acute  philosophy  would  find  it  a  very  hard 
task  to  discover  for  what  wise  purposes  of  Providence  they 
were  created.  Friendship  is  not  to  be  found,  nor  can  the 
amusements  for  which  he  sighs  be  enjoyed,  within  the  rota- 
tion of  absurdity  to  which  he  is  doomed  for  life.  He  has  long 
resigned  all  views  of  improving  his  fortune  by  management 
and  attention  to  the  exercise  of  husbandry,  in  which  he  de- 
lighted ;  and,  as  to  domestic  happiness,  not  the  least  glimpse 
of  hope  remains  to  amuse  his  imagination.  Thus  blasted  in 
all  his  prospects,  he  could  not  fail  to  be  overwhelmed  with 
melancholy  and  chagrin,  which  have  preyed  upon  his  health 
and  spirits  in  such  a  manner,  that  he  is  now  threatened  with 
a  consumption. 

I  have  given  you  a  sketch  of  the  man  whom  the  other  day 
I  went  to  visit.  At  the  gate  we  found  a  great  number  of 
powdered  lacqueys,  but  no  civility.  After  we  had  sat  a 
considerable  time  in  the  coach,  we  were  told,  that  Mr.  Bay- 
nard  had  rode  out,  and  that  his  lady  was  dressing;  but  we 
were  introduced  to  a  parlour,  so  very  fine  and  delicate,  that 
in  all  appearance  it  was  designed  to  be  seen  only,  not  inhab- 
ited. The  chairs  and  couches  were  carved,  gilt,  and  cov- 
ered with  rich  damask,  so  smooth  and  sleek,  that  they  looked 
as  if  they  had  never  been  sat  upon.  There  was  no  carpet  on 
the  floor ;  but  the  boards  were  rubbed  and  waxed  in  such  a 
manner,  that  we  could  not  walk,  but  were  obliged  to  slide 
along  them;  and,  as  for  the  stove,  it  was  too  bright  and  pol- 
ished to  be  polluted  with  sea-coal,  or  stained  by  the  smoke 
of  any  gross  material  fire.  When  we  had  remained  above 
half  an  hour,  sacrificing  to  the  inhospitable  powers  in  this 
temple  of  cold  reception,  my  friend  Baynard  arrived,  and,  un- 
derstanding we  were  in  the  house,  made  his  appearance,  so 
meagre,  yellow,  and  dejected,  that  I  really  should  not  have 
known  him,  had  I  met  him  in  any  other  place.  Running  up 
to  me,  with  great  eagerness,  he  strained  me  in  his  embrace, 


a* 


305 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

and  his  heart  was  so  full,  that  for  some  minutes  he  could  not 
speak.  Having  saluted  us  all  round,  he  perceived  our  un- 
comfortable situation,  and,  conducting  us  into  another  apart- 
ment, which  had  fire  in  the  chimney,  called  for  chocolate ; 
then,  withdrawing,  he  returned  with  a  compliment  from  his 
wife,  and,  in  the  meantime,  presented  his  son  Harry,  a  sham- 
bling blear-eyed  boy,  in  the  habit  of  a  hussar,  very  rude,  for- 
ward, and  impertinent.  His  father  would  have  sent  him  to  a 
boarding-school,  but  his  mamma  and  aunt  would  not  hear 
of  his  lying  out  of  the  house ;  so  that  there  was  a  clergyman 
engaged  as  his  tutor  in  the  family. 

As  it  was  but  just  turned  of  twelve,  and  the  whole  house 
was  in  a  commotion  to  prepare  a  formal  entertainment,  I 
foresaw  it  would  be  late  before  we  dined,  and  proposed  a 
walk  to  Mr.  Baynard,  that  we  might  converse  together 
freely.  In  the  course  of  this  perambulation,  when  I  ex- 
pressed some  surprise  that  he  had  returned  so  soon  from 
Italy,  he  gave  me  to  understand  that  his  going  abroad  had 
not  at  all  answered  the  purpose  for  which  he  left  England ; 
that,  although  the  expense  of  living  was  not  so  great  in 
Italy  as  at  home,  respect  being  had  to  the  same  rank  of  life 
in  both  countries,  it  had  been  found  necessary  for  him  to  lift 
himself  above  his  usual  style,  that  he  might  be  on  some  foot- 
ing with  the  counts,  marquises,  and  cavaliers,  with  whom 
he  kept  company.  He  was  obliged  to  hire  a  great  number  of 
servants,  to  take  oflf  a  great  variety  of  rich  clothes,  and  to 
keep  a  sumptuous  table  for  the  fashionable  sorocconi  of  the 
country,  who,  without  a  consideration  of  this  kind,  would 
not  have  paid  any  attention  to  an  untitled  foreigner,  let  his 
family  or  fortune  be  ever  so  respectable.  Besides,  Mrs.  Bay- 
nard was  continually  surrounded  by  a  train  of  expensive 
loungers,  under  the  denomination  of  language-masters, 
musicians,  painters,  and  ciceroni ;  and  had  actually  fallen 
into  the  disease  of  buying  pictures  and  antiques  upon  her 
own  judgment,  which  was  far  from  being  infallible. 

At  length  she  met  with  an  aflfront,  which  gave  her  a  dis- 
gust to  Italy,  and  drove  her  back  to  England  with  some  pre- 
cipitation.   By  means  of  frequenting  the  Duchess  of  B 's 

conversazione  while  her  grace  was  at  Rome,  Mrs.  Baynard 
became  acquainted  with  all  the  fashionable  people  of  that  city, 

306 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

and  was  admitted  to  their  assemblies  without  scruple.  Thus 
favoured,  she  conceived  too  great  an  idea  of  her  own  impor- 
tance, and,  when  the  duchess  left  Rome,  resolved  to  have  a 
conversazione  that  should  leave  the  Romans  no  room  to  re- 
gret her  grace's  departure.  She  provided  hands  for  a  musical 
entertainment,  and  sent  biglietti  of  invitation  to  every  person 
of  distinction ;  but  not  one  Roman  of  the  female  sex  appeared 
at  her  assembly.  She  was  that  night  seized  with  a  violent  fit, 
and  kept  her  bed  three  days,  at  the  expiration  of  which  she  de- 
clared that  the  air  of  Italy  would  be  the  ruin  of  her  constitu- 
tion. In  order  to  prevent  this  catastrophe,  she  was  speedily 
removed  to  Geneva,  from  whence  they  returned  to  England 
by  the  way  of  Lyons  and  Paris.  By  the  time  they  arrived  at 
Calais,  she  had  purchased  such  a  quantity  of  silks,  stuffs,  and 
laces,  that  it  was  necessary  to  hire  a  vessel  to  smuggle  them 
over,  and  this  vessel  was  taken  by  a  custom-house  cutter;  so 
that  they  lost  the  whole  cargo,  which  had  cost  them  above 
eight  hundred  pounds. 

It  now  appeared  that  her  travels  had  produced  no  effect 
upon  her,  but  that  of  making  her  more  expensive  and  fan- 
tastic than  ever.  She  affected  to  lead  the  fashion,  not  only  in 
point  of  female  dress,  but  in  every  article  of  taste  and  con- 
noisseurship.  She  made  a  drawing  of  the  new  faqade  to  the 
house  in  the  country ;  she  pulled  up  the  trees,  and  pulled  down 
the  walls  of  the  garden,  so  as  to  let  in  the  easterly  wind,  which 
Mr.  Baynard's  ancestors  had  been  at  great  pains  to  exclude. 
To  show  her  taste  in  laying  out  ground,  she  seized  into  her 
own  hand  a  farm  of  two  hundred  acres,  about  a  mile  from  the 
house,  which  she  parcelled  out  into  walks  and  shrubberies, 
having  a  great  bason  in  the  middle,  into  which  she  poured  a 
whole  stream  that  turned  two  mills,  and  afforded  the  best 
trout  in  the  country.  The  bottom  of  the  bason,  however,  was 
so  ill-secured  that  it  would  not  hold  the  water,  which  strained 
through  the  earth,  and  made  a  bog  of  the  whole  plantation. 
In  a  word,  the  ground  which  formerly  paid  him  one  hundred 
and  fifty  pounds  a  year,  now  cost  him  two  hundred  pounds  a 
year  to  keep  it  in  tolerable  order,  over  and  above  the  first 
expense  of  trees,  shrubs,  flowers,  turf,  and  gravel.  There 
was  not  an  inch  of  garden  groimd  left  about  the  house,  nor  a 
tree  that  produced  fruit  of  any  kind ;  nor  did  he  raise  a  truss 

307 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

of  hay  or  a  bushel  of  oats  for  his  horses,  nor  had  he  a  single 
cow  to  afford  milk  for  his  tea,  far  less  did  he  ever  dream  of 
feeding  his  own  mutton,  pigs,  and  poultry;  every  article  of 
housekeeping,  even  the  most  inconsiderable,  was  brought  from 
the  next  market  town,  at  the  distance  of  five  miles,  and  thither 
they  sent  a  courier  every  morning  to  fetch  hot  rolls  for  break- 
fast. In  short,  Baynard  fairly  owned  that  he  spent  double  his 
income,  and  that  in  a  few  years  he  should  be  obliged  to  sell 
his  estate  for  the  payment  of  his  creditors.  He  said,  his  wife 
had  such  delicate  nerves,  and  such  imbecility  of  spirit,  that  she 
could  neither  bear  remonstrance,  be  it  ever  so  gentle,  nor 
practise  any  scheme  of  retrenchment,  even  if  she  perceived 
the  necessity  of  such  a  measure.  He  had,  therefore,  ceased 
struggling  against  the  stream,  and  endeavoured  to  reconcile 
himself  to  ruin,  by  reflecting,  that  his  child,  at  least,  would 
inherit  his  mother's  fortune,  which  was  secured  to  him  by  the 
contract  of  marriage. 

The  detail  which  he  gave  me  of  his  affairs  filled  me  at  once 
with  grief  and  indignation.  I  inveighed  bitterly  against  the 
indiscretion  of  his  wife,  and  reproached  him  with  his  unmanly 
acquiescence  under  the  absurd  tyranny  which  she  exerted.  I 
exhorted  him  to  recollect  his  resolution,  and  make  one  ef- 
fectual effort  to  disengage  himself  from  a  thraldom  equally 
shameful  and  pernicious.  I  offered  him  all  the  assistance  in 
my  power.  I  undertook  to  regulate  his  affairs,  and  even  to 
bring  about  a  reformation  in  his  family,  if  he  would  only 
authorise  me  to  execute  the  plan  I  should  form  for  his  ad- 
vantage. I  was  so  affected  by  the  subject,  that  I  could  not 
help  mingling  tears  with  my  remonstrances ;  and  Baynard  was 
so  penetrated  with  these  marks  of  my  affection,  that  he  lost 
all  power  of  utterance.  He  pressed  me  to  his  breast  with 
great  emotion,  and  wept  in  silence.  At  length  he  exclaimed, 
'■'Friendship  is  undoubtedly  the  most  precious  balm  of  life! 
Your  words,  dear  Bramble,  have  in  a  great  measure  recalled 
me  from  an  abyss  of  despondence  in  which  I  have  been  long 
overwhelmed ;  I  will,  upon  honour,  make  you  acquainted  with 
a  distinct  state  of  my  affairs,  and,  as  far  as  I  am  able  to  go, 
will  follow  the  course  you  prescribe.  But  there  are  certain 
lengths  which  my  nature the  truth  is,  there  are  tender  con- 
nexions, of  which  a  bachelor  has  no  idea.     Shall  I  own  my 

308 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

weakness  ?  I  cannot  bear  the  thoughts  of  making  that  woman 
uneasy." — "  And  yet,"  cried  I,  "  she  has  seen  you  unhappy  for 
a  series  of  years,  unhappy  from  her  misconduct,  without  ever 
showing  the  least  inclination  to  alleviate  your  distress." — 
"  Nevertheless,"  said  he,  "  I  am  persuaded  she  loves  me  with 
the  most  warm  affection;  but  these  are  incongruities  in  the 
composition  of  the  human  mind  which  I  hold  to  be  inexplica- 
ble." 

I  was  shocked  at  his  infatuation,  and  changed  the  subject, 
after  we  had  agreed  to  maintain  a  close  correspondence  for  the 
future.  He  then  gave  me  to  understand  that  he  had  two 
neighbours,  who,  like  himself,  were  driven  by  their  wives  at 
full  speed  in  the  high  road  to  bankruptcy  and  ruin.  All  the 
three  husbands  were  of  dispositions  very  different  from  each 
other,  and,  according  to  this  variation,  their  consorts  were 
admirably  suited  to  the  purpose  of  keeping  them  all  three  in 
subjection.  The  views  of  the  ladies  were  exactly  the  same. 
They  vied  in  grandeur,  that  is,  in  ostentation,  with  the  wife  of 
Sir  John  Chickwell,  who  had  four  times  their  fortune ;  and 
she  again  piqued  herself  upon  making  an  equal  figure  with  a 
neighbouring  peeress,  whose  revenue  trebled  her  own.  Here 
then  was  the  fable  of  the  frog  and  the  ox  realised  in  four 
different  instances  within  the  same  county ;  one  large  fortune 
and  three  moderate  estates  in  a  fair  way  of  being  burst  by 
the  inflation  of  female  vanity ;  and,  in  three  of  these  instances, 
three  different  forms  of  female  tyranny  were  exercised.  Mr. 
Baynard  was  subjugated  by  practising  upon  the  tenderness  of 
his  nature.  Mr.  Milksan,  being  of  a  timorous  disposition, 
truckled  to  the  insolence  of  a  termagant.  Mr.  Sowerby,  who 
was  of  a  temper  neither  to  be  moved  by  fits,  nor  driven  by 
menaces,  had  the  fortune  to  be  fitted  with  a  helpmate  who 
assailed  him  with  the  weapons  of  irony  and  satire,  sometimes 
sneering  in  the  way  of  compliment,  sometimes  throwing  out 
sarcastic  comparisons  implying  reproaches  upon  his  want  of 
taste,  spirit,  and  generosity,  by  which  means  she  stimulated 
his  passions  from  one  act  of  extravagance  to  another,  just  as 
the  circumstances  of  her  vanity  required. 

All  these  three  ladies  have  at  this  time  the  same  number  of 
horses,  carriages,  and  servants  in  and  out  of  livery,  the  same 
variety  of  dress,  the  same  quantity  of  plate  and  china,  the  like 

309 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

ornaments  in  furniture,  and  in  their  entertainments  they  en- 
deavour to  exceed  one  another  in  the  variety,  deHcacy,  and  ex- 
pense of  their  dishes,  I  believe  it  will  be  found  upon  inquiry, 
that  nineteen  out  of  twenty  who  are  ruined  by  extravagance, 
fall  a  sacrifice  to  the  ridiculous  pride  and  vanity  of  silly 
women,  whose  parts  are  held  in  contempt  by  the  very  men 
whom  they  pillage  and  enslave.  Thank  Heaven,  Dick,  that 
among  all  the  follies  and  weaknesses  of  human  nature,  I  have 
not  yet  fallen  into  that  of  matrimony. 

After  Baynard  and  I  had  discussed  all  these  matters  at 
leisure,  we  returned  towards  the  house,  and  met  Jerry  with 
our  two  women,  who  had  come  forth  to  take  the  air,  as  the 
lady  of  the  mansion  had  not  yet  made  her  appearance.  In 
short,  Mrs.  Baynard  did  not  produce  herself  till  about  a  quar- 
ter of  an  hour  before  dinner  was  upon  the  table.  Then  her 
husband  brought  her  into  the  parlour,  accompanied  by  her 
aunt  and  son,  and  she  received  us  with  a  coldness  of  reserve 
sufficient  to  freeze  the  very  soul  of  hospitality.  Though  she 
knew  I  had  been  the  intimate  friend  of  her  husband,  and  had 
often  seen  me  with  him"  in  London,  she  showed  no  marks  of 
recognition  or  regard,  when  I  addressed  myself  to  her  in  the 
most  friendly  terms  of  salutation.  She  did  not  express  the 
common  compliment  of,  /  am  glad  to  see  you;  or  /  hope  you 
have  enjoyed  your  health  since  we  had  the  pleasure  of  seeing 
you,  or  some  such  words  of  course;  nor  did  she  once  open 
her  mouth  in  the  way  of  welcome  to  my  sister  and  my  niece, 
but  sat  in  silence  like  a  statue,  with  an  aspect  of  insensibility. 
Her  aunt,  the  model  upon  which  she  had  been  formed,  was 
indeed  the  very  essence  of  insipid  formality ;  but  the  boy  was 
very  pert  and  impudent,  and  prated  without  ceasing. 

At  dinner,  the  lady  maintained  the  same  ungracious  indif- 
ference, never  speaking  but  in  whispers  to  her  aunt;  and  as 
to  the  repast,  it  was  made  up  of  a  parcel  of  kickshaws,  con- 
trived by  a  French  cook,  without  one  substantial  article 
adapted  to  the  satisfaction  of  an  English  appetite.  The  pot- 
tage was  little  better  than  bread  soaked  in  dish-washings,  luke- 
warm. The  ragouts  looked  as  if  they  had  been  once  eaten  and 
half  digested :  the  fricassees  were  involved  in  a  nasty  yellow 
poultice,  and  the  rotis  were  scorched  and  stinking,  for  the 
honour  of  the  fumet.     The  dessert  consisted  of  faded  fruit 

310 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

and  iced  froth,  a  good  emblem  of  our  landlady's  character; 
the  table-beer  was  sour,  the  water  foul,  and  the  wine  vapid; 
but  there  was  a  parade  of  plate  and  china,  and  a  powdered 
lacquey  stood  behind  every  chair,  except  those  of  the  master 
and  mistress  of  the  house,  who  were  served  by  two  valets 
dressed  like  gentlemen.  We  dined  in  a  large  old  Gothic  par- 
lour, which  was  formerly  the  hall.  It  was  now  paved  with 
marble,  and  notwithstanding  the  fire,  which  had  been  kindled 
about  an  hour,  struck  me  with  such  a  chill  sensation,  that, 
when  I  entered  it,  the  teeth  chattered  in  my  jaws.  In  short, 
everything  was  cold,  comfortless,  and  disgusting,  except  the 
looks  of  my  friend  Baynard,  which  declared  the  warmth  of 
his  affection  and  humanity. 

After  dinner,  we  withdrew  into  another  apartment,  where 
the  boy  began  to  be  impertinently  troublesome  to  my  niece 
Liddy.  He  wanted  a  playfellow,  forsooth,  and  would  have 
romped  with  her,  had  she  encouraged  his  advances.  He  was 
even  so  impudent  as  to  snatch  a  kiss,  at  which  she  changed 
countenance,  and  seemed  uneasy;  and  though  his  father 
checked  him  for  the  rudeness  of  his  behaviour,  he  became  so 
outrageous  as  to  thrust  his  hand  in  her  bosom ;  an  insult  to 
which  she  did  not  tamely  submit,  though  one  of  the  mildest 
creatures  upon  earth.  Her  eyes  sparkled  with  resentment, 
she  started  up,  and  lent  him  such  a  box  in  the  ear,  as  sent  him 
staggering  to  the  other  side  of  the  room. 

"  Miss  Melford,"  cried  his  father,  "  you  have  treated  him 
with  the  utmost  propriety.  I  am  only  sorry  that  the  imperti- 
nence of  any  child  of  mine  should  have  occasioned  this  exer- 
tion of  your  spirit,  which  I  cannot  but  applaud  and  admire." 
His  wife  was  so  far  from  assenting  to  the  candour  of  his 
apology,  that  she  rose  from  the  table,  and  taking  her  son  by 
the  hand,  "  Come,  child,"  said  she,  "  your  father  cannot  abide 
you."  So  saying,  she  retired  with  this  hopeful  youth,  and  was 
followed  by  her  governante.  But  neither  the  one  nor  the  other 
deigned  to  take  the  least  notice  of  the  company. 

Baynard  was  exceedingly  disconcerted ;  but  I  perceived  his 
uneasiness  was  tinctured  with  resentment,  and  derived  a  good 
omen  from  this  discovery.  I  ordered  the  horses  to  be  put  to 
the  carriage;  and,  though  he  made  some  efforts  to  detain  us 
all  night,  I  insisted  upon  leaving  the  house  immediately;  but 

3" 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

before  I  went  away,  I  took  an  opportunity  of  speaking  to  him 
again  in  private.  I  said  everything  I  could  recollect,  to  ani- 
mate his  endeavours  in  shaking  off  those  shameful  trammels. 
I  made  no  scruple  to  declare,  that  his  wife  was  unworthy  of 
that  tender  complaisance  which  he  had  shown  for  her  foibles. 
That  she  was  dead  to  all  the  genuine  sentiments  of  conjugal 
affection ;  insensible  of  her  own  honour  and  interest,  and  seem- 
ingly destitute  of  common  sense  and  reflection.  I  conjured 
him  to  remember  what  he  owed  to  his  father's  house,  to  his 
own  reputation,  and  to  his  family,  including  even  this  unrea- 
sonable woman  herself,  who  was  driving  on  blindly  to  her 
own  destruction.  I  advised  him  to  form  a  plan  for  retrenching 
superfluous  expense,  and  try  to  convince  the  aunt  of  the  neces- 
sity for  such  a  reformation,  that  she  might  gradually  prepare 
her  niece  for  its  execution;  and  I  exhorted  him  to  turn  that 
disagreeable  piece  of  formality  out  of  the  house,  if  he  should 
find  her  averse  to  his  proposal. 

Here  he  interrupted  me  with  a  sigh,  observing,  that  such  a 
step  would  undoubtedly  be  fatal  to  Mrs.  Baynard.  "  I  shall 
lose  all  patience,"  cried  I,  "  to  hear  you  talk  so  weakly.  Mrs. 
Baynard's  fits  will  never  hurt  her  constitution.  I  believe  in 
my  conscience  they  are  all  affected.  I  am  sure  she  has  no  feel- 
ing for  your  distresses ;  and  when  you  are  ruined,  she  will  ap- 
pear to  have  no  feeling  for  her  own."  Finally,  I  took  his  word 
and  honour,  that  he  would  make  an  effort,  such  as  I  had  ad- 
vised ;  that  he  would  form  a  plan  of  economy,  and  if  he  found 
it  impracticable  without  my  assistance,  he  would  come  to  Bath 
in  the  winter,  where  I  promised  to  give  him  the  meeting,  and 
contribute  all  in  my  power  to  the  retrieval  of  his  affairs.  With 
this  mutual  engagement  we  parted;  and  I  shall  think  myself 
supremely  happy,  if  by  my  means  a  worthy  man,  whom  I  love 
and  esteem,  can  be  saved  from  misery,  disgrace,  and  despair. 

I  have  only  one  friend  more  to  visit  in  this  part  of  the  coun- 
try, but  he  is  of  a  complexion  very  different  from  that  of  Bay- 
nard. You  have  heard  me  mention  Sir  Thomas  Bulford, 
whom  I  knew  in  Italy.  He  is  now  become  a  country  gentle- 
man; but,  being  disabled  by  the  gout  from  enjoying  any 
amusement  abroad,  he  entertains  himself  within  doors,  by 
keeping  open  house  for  all  comers,  and  playing  upon  the  oddi- 
ties and  humours  of  his  company.    But  he  himself  is  general- 

312 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

ly  the  greatest  original  at  his  table.  He  is  very  good-hu- 
moured, talks  much,  and  laughs  without  ceasing.  I  am  told, 
that  all  the  use  he  makes  of  his  understanding  at  present  is, 
to  excite  mirth,  by  exhibiting  his  guests  in  ludicrous  attitudes. 
I  know  not  how  far  we  may  furnish  him  with  entertainment  of 
this  kind;  but  I  am  resolved  to  beat  up  his  quarters,  partly 
with  a  view  to  laugh  with  the  knight  himself,  and  partly  to 
pay  my  respects  to  his  lady,  a  good-natured,  sensible  woman, 
with  whom  he  lives  upon  very  easy  terms,  although  she  has 
not  had  the  good  fortune  to  bring  him  an  heir  to  his  estate. 

And  now,  dear  Dick,  I  must  tell  you  for  your  comfort,  that 
you  are  the  only  man  upon  earth  to  whom  I  would  pre- 
sume to  send  such  a  long-winded  epistle,  which  I  could  not 
find  in  my  heart  to  curtail,  because  the  subject  interested  the 
warmest  passions  of  my  heart ;  neither  will  I  make  any  other 
apology  to  a  correspondent  who  has  been  so  long  accustomed 
to  the  impertinence  of  Matt.  Bramble. 

Sept  30. 


To  Sir  Watkin  Phillips,  Bart,  at  Oxon. 

Dear  Knight, — I  believe  there  is  something  mischievous 
in  my  disposition,  for  nothing  diverts  me  so  much  as  to  see 
certain  characters  tormented  with  false  terrors. — We  last 
night  lodged  at  the  house  of  Sir  Thomas  Bulford,  an  old 
friend  of  my  uncle,  a  jolly  fellow,  of  moderate  intellects,  who, 
in  spite  of  the  gout,  which  hath  lamed  him,  is  resolved  to  be 
merry  to  the  last ;  and  mirth  he  has  a  particular  knack  in  ex- 
tracting from  his  guests,  let  their  humour  be  never  so  caustic 
or  refractory.  Besides  our  company,  there  was  in  the  house 
a  fat-headed  justice  of  the  peace,  called  Frogmore,  and  a 
country  practitioner  in  surgery,  who  seemed  to  be  our  land- 
lord's chief  companion  and  confidant.  We  found  the  knight 
sitting  on  a  couch,  with  his  crutches  by  his  side,  and  his  feet 
supported  on  cushions ;  but  he  received  us  with  a  hearty  wel- 
come, and  seemed  greatly  rejoiced  at  our  arrival.  After  tea, 
we  were  entertained  with  a  sonata  on  the  harpsichord,  by 
Lady  Bulford,  who  sung  and  played  to  admiration;  but  Sir 
Thomas  seemed  to  be  a  little  asinine  in  the  article  of  ears, 
though  he  affected  to  be  in  raptures ;  and  begged  his  wife  to 

313 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

favour  us  with  an  arietta  o£  her  own  composing.  This  arietta, 
however,  she  no  sooner  began  to  perform,  than  he  and  the 
justice  fell  asleep;  but  the  moment  she  ceased  playing,  the 
knight  waked  snoring,  and  exclaimed,  "  O  cava!  what  d'ye 
think,  gentlemen  ?  Will  you  talk  any  more  of  your  Pergolesi 
and  your  Corelli  ?  "  At  the  same  time,  he  thrust  his  tongue 
in  one  cheek,  and  leered  with  one  eye  at  the  doctor  and  me, 
who  sat  on  his  left  hand.  He  concluded  the  pantomime  with 
a  loud  laugh,  which  he  could  command  at  all  times  extempore. 
Notwithstanding  his  disorder,  he  did  not  do  penance  at  sup- 
per, nor  did  he  ever  refuse  his  glass  when  the  toast  went 
round,  but  rather  encouraged  a  quick  circulation  both  by 
precept  and  example. 

I  soon  perceived  the  doctor  had  made  himself  very  necessary 
to  the  baronet.  He  was  the  whetstone  of  his  wit,  the  butt  of 
his  satire,  and  his  operator  in  certain  experiments  of  humour, 
which  were  occasionally  tried  upon  strangers.  Justice  Frog- 
more  was  an  excellent  subject  for  this  species  of  philosophy. 
Sleek  and  corpulent,  solemn  and  shallow,  he  had  studied  Burn 
with  uncommon  application ;  but  he  studied  nothing  so  much 
as  the  art  of  living,  that  is,  eating,  well.  This  fat  buck  had 
often  afforded  good  sport  to  our  landlord ;  and  he  was  fre- 
quently started  with  tolerable  success,  in  the  course  of  this 
evening;  but  the  baronet's  appetite  for  ridicule  seemed  to  be 
chiefly  excited  by  the  appearance,  address,  and  conversation 
of  Lismahago,  whom  he  attempted  in  all  the  different  modes 
of  exposition ;  but  he  put  me  in  mind  of  a  contest  that  I  once 
saw  betwixt  a  young  hound  and  an  old  hedgehog.  The  dog 
turned  him  over  and  over,  and  bounced,  and  barked,  and 
mumbled ;  but  as  often  as  he  attempted  to  bite,  he  felt  a  prickle 
in  his  jaws,  and  recoiled  in  manifest  confusion.  The  captain, 
when  left  to  himself,  will  not  fail  to  turn  his  ludicrous  side  to 
the  company;  but  if  any  man  attempts  to  force  him  into  that 
attitude,  he  becomes  stubborn  as  a  mule,  and  unmanageable  as 
an  elephant  unbroke. 

Divers  tolerable  jokes  were  cracked  upon  the  justice,  who 
ate  a  most  unconscionable  supper,  and  among  other  things,  a 
large  plate  of  broiled  mushrooms,  which  he  had  no  sooner 
swallowed  than  the  doctor  observed,  with  great  gravity,  that 
they  were  of  the  kind  called  champignons,  which,  in  some 

314 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

constitutions,  had  a  poisonous  effect.  Mr.  Frogmore,  startled 
at  this  remark,  asked,  in  some  confusion,  why  he  had  not  been 
so  kind  as  to  give  him  that  notice  sooner.  He  answered,  that 
he  took  it  for  granted,  by  his  eating  them  so  heartily,  that  he 
was  used  to  the  dish ;  but  as  he  seemed  to  be  under  some  ap- 
prehension, he  prescribed  a  bumper  of  plague-water,  which 
the  justice  drank  off  immediately,  and  retired  to  rest,  not 
without  marks  of  terror  and  disquiet. 

At  midnight  we  were  shown  to  our  different  chambers,  and 
in  half  an  hour  I  was  fast  asleep  in  bed;  but  about  three 
o'clock  in  the  morning  I  was  waked  with  a  dismal  cry  of  Fire! 
and,  starting  up,  ran  to  the  window  in  my  shirt.  The  night 
was  dark  and  stormy ;  and  a  number  of  people,  half-dressed, 
ran  backwards  and  forwards  through  the  court-yard,  with 
links  and  lanterns,  seemingly  in  the  utmost  hurry  and  trepida- 
tion. Slipping  on  my  clothes  in  a  twinkling,  I  ran  downstairs, 
and,  upon  inquiry,  found  the  fire  was  confined  to  a  back-stair, 
which  led  to  a  detached  apartment  where  Lismahago  lay.  By 
this  time  the  lieutenant  was  alarmed  by  a  bawling  at  his  win- 
dow, which  was  in  the  second  storey,  but  he  could  not  find  his 
clothes  in  the  dark,  and  his  room-door  was  locked  on  the  out- 
side. The  servants  called  to  him,  that  the  house  had  been 
robbed ;  that,  without  all  doubt,  the  villains  had  taken  away 
his  clothes,  fastened  the  door,  and  set  the  house  on  fire,  for 
the  staircase  was  in  flames.  In  this  dilemma,  the  poor  lieuten- 
ant ran  about  the  room  naked,  like  a  squirrel  in  a  cage,  pop- 
ping out  his  head  at  the  window  between  whiles,  and  implor- 
ing assistance.  At  length,  the  knight  in  person  was  brought 
out  in  his  chair,  attended  by  my  uncle  and  all  the  family,  in- 
cluding our  aunt  Tabitha,  who  screamed,  and  cried,  and  tore 
her  hair,  as  if  she  had  been  distracted.  Sir  Thomas  had  al- 
ready ordered  his  people  to  bring  a  long  ladder,  which  was 
applied  to  the  captain's  window,  and  now  he  exhorted  him 
earnestly  to  descend.  There  was  no  need  of  much  rhetoric  to 
persuade  Lismahago,  who  forthwith  made  his  exit  by  the 
window,  roaring  all  the  time  to  the  people  below  to  hold  fast 
the  ladder. 

Notwithstanding  the  gravity  of  the  occasion,  it  was  impos- 
sible to  behold  this  scene  without  being  seized  with  an  inclina- 
tion to  laugh.    The  rueful  aspect  of  the  lieutenant  in  his  shirt, 

315 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

with  a  quilted  night-cap  fastened  under  his  chin,  and  his  long 
lank  limbs  and  posteriors  exposed  to  the  wind,  made  a  very 
picturesque  appearance,  when  illuminated  by  the  links  and 
torches  which  the  servants  held  up  to  light  him  in  his  descent. 
All  the  company  stood  round  the  ladder,  except  the  knight, 
who  sat  in  the  chair,  exclaiming,  from  time  to  time,  "  Lord 
have  mercy  upon  us ! — save  the  gentleman's  life — mind  your 
footing,  dear  captain!  softly! — stand  fast! — clasp  the  ladder 
with  both  hands ! — there ! — well  done,  my  dear  boy ! — O 
bravo ! — an  old  soldier  for  ever ! — bring  a  blanket — bring  a 
warm  blanket  to  comfort  his  poor  carcase — warm  the  bed  in 
the  green  room — give  me  your  hand,  dear  captain — I'm  re- 
joiced to  see  thee  safe  and  sound,  with  all  my  heart."  Lis- 
mahago  was  received  at  the  foot  of  the  ladder  by  his  inamo- 
rata, who,  snatching  a  blanket  from  one  of  the  maids,  wrapped 
it  about  his  body ;  two  men-servants  took  him  under  the  arms, 
and  a  female  conducted  him  to  the  green  room,  still  accom- 
panied by  Mrs.  Tabitha,  who  saw  him  fairly  put  to  bed.  Dur- 
ing this  whole  transaction,  he  spoke  not  a  syllable,  but  looked 
exceedingly  grim,  sometimes  at  one,  sometimes  at  another  of 
the  spectators,  who  now  adjourned  in  a  body  to  the  parlour 
where  we  had  supped,  every  one  surveying  another  with 
marks  of  astonishment  and  curiosity. 

The  knight  being  seated  in  an  easy-chair,  seized  my  uncle  by 
the  hand,  and,  bursting  into  a  long  and  loud  laugh,  "  Matt," 
cried  he,  "  crown  me  with  oak,  or  ivy,  or  laurel,  or  parsley, 
or  what  you  will,  and  acknowledge  this  to  be  a  coupe  de  maltre 
in  the  way  of  waggery — ha,  ha,  ha ! — Such  a  camisicata,  sc ag- 
itata beffata! — O  che  roha! — O,  what  a  subject! — O,  what 
caricatura! — O,  for  a  Rosa,  a  Rembrandt,  a  Schalken! — 
Zooks,  I'll  give  a  hundred  guineas  to  have  it  painted — what  a 
fine  descent  from  the  cross,  or  ascent  to  the  gallows! 
what  lights  and  shadows ! — what  a  group  below !  what 
expression  above! — what  an  aspect! — did  you  mind  the 
aspect? — ha,  ha,  ha! — and  the  limbs,  and  the  muscles 
— every  toe  denoted  terror! — ha,  ha,  ha! — then  the 
blanket! — O,  what  costume!  St.  Andrew!  St.  Lazarus!  St. 
Barrabas ! — ha,  ha,  ha !  " — "  After  all  then,"  cried  Mr.  Bram- 
ble very  gravely,  "  this  was  no  more  than  a  false  alarm.  We 
have  been  frightened  out  of  our  beds,  and  almost  out  of  our 

316 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

senses,  for  the  joke's  sake !  " — "  Ay,  and  such  a  joke !  "  cried 
our  landlord,  "  such  a  farce !  such  a  denouement!  such  a  catas- 
trophe!" 

"  Have  a  little  patience,"  replied  our  squire,  "  we  are  not 
yet  come  to  the  catastrophe;  and  pray  God  it  may  not  turn 
out  a  tragedy  instead  of  a  farce.  The  captain  is  one  of  those 
saturnine  subjects,  who  have  no  idea  of  humour.  He  never 
laughs  in  his  own  person ;  nor  can  he  bear  that  other  people 
should  laugh  at  his  expense.  Besides,  if  the  subject  had  been 
properly  chosen,  the  joke  was  too  severe  in  all  conscience." 
— "  'Sdeath !  "  cried  the  knight,  "  I  could  not  have  bated  him 
an  ace,  had  he  been  my  own  father;  and  as  for  the  subject, 
such  another  does  not  present  itself  once  in  half  a  century." 
Here  Mrs.  Tabitha  interposing,  and  bridling  up,  declared,  she 
did  not  see  that  Mr.  Lismahago  was  a  fitter  subject  for  ridicule 
than  the  knight  himself;  and  that  she  was  very  much  afraid, 
he  would  very  soon  find  he  had  mistaken  his  man.  The  bar- 
onet was  a  good  deal  disconcerted  by  this  intimation,  saying, 
that  he  must  be  a  Goth  and  a  barbarian,  if  he  did  not  enter 
into  the  spirit  of  such  a  happy  and  humorous  contrivance.  He 
begged,  however,  that  Mr.  Bramble  and  his  sister  would  bring 
him  to  reason ;  and  this  request  was  reinforced  by  Lady  Bul- 
ford,  who  did  not  fail  to  read  the  baronet  a  lecture  upon  his 
indiscretion,  which  lecture  he  received  with  submission  c«i  one 
side  of  the  face,  and  a  leer  upon  the  other. 

We  now  went  to  bed  for  the  second  time ;  and  before  I  got 
up,  my  uncle  had  visited  Lismahago  in  the  green  room,  and 
used  such  arguments  with  him,  that,  when  we  met  in  the  par- 
lour, he  seemed  to  be  quite  appeased.  He  received  the  knight's 
apology  with  a  good  grace,  and  even  professed  himself  pleased 
at  finding  he  had  contributed  to  the  diversion  of  the  company. 
Sir  Thomas  shook  him  by  the  hand,  laughing  heartily;  and 
then  desired  a  pinch  of  snuff,  in  token  of  perfect  reconciliation. 
The  lieutenant  putting  his  hand  in  his  waistcoat  pocket,  pulled 
out,  instead  of  his  own  Scotch  mull,  a  very  fine  gold  snuff- 
box, which  he  no  sooner  perceived  than  he  said,  **  Here  is  a 
small  mistake.''—"  No  mistake  at  all,"  cried  the  baronet ;  "  a 
fair  exchange  is  no  robbery.  Oblige  me  so  far,  captain,  as  to 
let  me  keep  your  mull  as  a  memorial." — "  Sir,"  said  tlie  lieu- 
tenant, "the  mull  is  much  at  your  service;  but  this  machine 

317 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

I  can  by  no  means  retain.  It  looks  like  compounding  a  sort 
of  felony  in  the  code  of  honour.  Besides,  I  don't  know  but 
there  may  be  another  joke  in  this  conveyance;  and  I  don't 
find  myself  disposed  to  be  brought  upon  the  stage  again.  I 
won't  presume  to  make  free  with  your  pockets,  but  I  beg  you 
will  put  it  up  again  with  your  own  hand."  So  saying,  with  a 
certain  austerity  of  aspect,  he  presented  the  snuff-box  to  the 
knight,  who  received  it  in  some  confusion,  and  restored  the 
mull,  which  he  would  by  no  means  keep,  except  on  the  terms 
of  exchange. 

This  transaction  was  like  to  give  a  grave  cast  to  the  con- 
versation, when  my  uncle  took  notice  that  Mr.  Justice  Frog- 
more  had  not  made  his  appearance  either  at  the  night  alarm, 
or  now  at  the  general  rendezvous.  The  baronet  hearing  Frog- 
more  mentioned,  "  Odso !  "  cried  he,  "  I  had  forgot  the  justice. 
Prithee,  doctor,  go  and  bring  him  out  of  his  kennel."  Then 
laughing  till  his  sides  were  well  shaken,  he  said  he  would 
show  the  captain,  that  he  was  not  the  only  person  of  the  drama 
exhibited  for  the  entertainment  of  the  company.  As  to  the 
night  scene,  it  could  not  affect  the  justice,  who  had  been  pur- 
posely lodged  in  the  farther  end  of  the  house,  remote  from  the 
noise,  and  lulled  with  a  dose  of  opium  into  the  bargain.  In  a 
few  minutes,  Mr.  Justice  was  led  into  the  parlour  in  his  night- 
cap and  loose  morning-gown,  rolling  his  head  from  side  to 
side,  and  groaning  piteously  all  the  way.  "  Jesu !  neighbour 
Frogmore,''  exclaimed  the  baronet,  "  what  is  the  matter ;  you 
look  as  if  you  was  not  a  man  for  this  world.  Set  him  down 
softly  on  the  couch — poor  gentleman  ?  Lord  have  mercy  upon 
us ! — What  makes  him  so  pale,  and  yellow,  and  bloated !  " — 
"  Oh,  Sir  Thomas!  "  cried  the  justice,  "  I  doubt  it  is  all  over 
with  me.  These  mushrooms  I  ate  at  your  table  have  done  my 
business — ah  !  oh  !  hey !  " — "  Now  the  Lord  forbid !  "  said  the 
other ;  "  what !  man — have  a  good  heart.  How  does  thy  stom- 
ach feel? — hah." 

To  this  interrogation  he  made  no  reply,  but  throwing  aside 
his  nightgown,  discovered  that  his  waistcoat  would  not  meet 
upon  his  belly  by  five  good  inches  at  least.  "  Heaven  protect 
us  all,"  cried  Sir  Thomas :  "  what  a  melancholy  spectacle ; — 
never  did  I  see  a  man  so  suddenly  swelled,  but  when  he  was 
either  just  dead,  or  just  dying — Doctor,  canst  thou  do  nothing 

318 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

for  this  poor  object?  " — "  I  don't  think  the  case  is  quite  des- 
perate," said  the  surgeon,  "  but  I  would  advise  Mr.  Frogmore 
to  settle  his  affairs  with  all  expedition ;  the  parson  may  come 
and  pray  by  him,  while  I  prepare  a  clyster  and  an  emetic 
draught."  The  justice  rolling  his  languid  eyes,  ejaculated 
with  great  fervency,  "  Lord  have  mercy  upon  us  1  Christ  have 
mercy  upon  us !  "  Then  he  begged  the  surgeon,  in  the  name 
of  God,  to  despatch — "  As  for  my  worldly  affairs,"  said  he, 
*'  they  are  all  settled  but  one  mortgage,  which  must  be  left  to 
my  heirs — but,  my  poor  soul !  my  poor  soul !  what  will  become 
of  my  poor  soul  ? — miserable  sinner  that  I  am !  " — "  Nay, 
prithee,  my  dear  boy,  compose  thyself,"  resumed  the  knight; 
*'  consider  the  mercy  of  Heaven  is  infinite ;  thou  canst  not 
have  any  sins  of  a  very  deep  dye  on  thy  conscience,  or  the 
devil's  in't." — "  Name  not  the  devil,"  exclaimed  the  terrified 
Frogmore,  "  I  have  more  sins  to  answer  for  than  the  world 
dreams  of.  Ah !  friend,  I  have  been  sly — sly — d — n'd  sly ! — 
Send  for  the  parson  without  loss  of  time,  and  put  me  to  bed, 
for  I  am  posting  to  eternity,"  He  was  accordingly  raised 
from  the  couch,  and  supported  by  two  servants,  who  led  him 
back  to  his  room;  but  before  he  quitted  the  parlour,  he  en- 
treated the  good  company  to  assist  him  with  their  prayers.  He 
added,  "  Take  warning  by  me,  who  am  suddenly  cut  off  in 
my  prime,  like  a  flower  of  the  field ;  and  God  forgive  you,  Sir 
Thomas,  for  suffering  such  poisonous  trash  to  be  eaten  at 
your  table." 

He  was  no  sooner  removed  out  of  hearing  than  the  bar- 
onet abandoned  himself  to  a  violent  fit  of  laughing,  in  which 
he  was  joined  by  the  greatest  part  of  the  company;  but  we 
could  hardly  prevent  the  good  lady  from  going  to  undeceive 
the  patient,  by  discovering,  that,  while  he  slept,  his  waistcoat 
had  been  straitened  by  the  contrivance  of  the  surgeon ;  and 
that  the  disorder  in  his  stomach  and  bowels  was  occasioned 
by  some  antimonial  wine,  which  he  had  taken  overnight, 
under  the  denomination  of  plague-water.  She  seemed  to 
think  that  his  apprehension  might  put  an  end  to  his  life.  The 
knight  swore  he  was  no  such  chicken,  but  a  tough  old  rogue, 
that  would  live  long  enough  to  plague  all  his  neighbours. 
Upon  inquiry  we  found  his  character  did  not  entitle  him  to 

319 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

much  compassion  or  respect,  and  therefore  we  let  our  land- 
lord's humour  take  its  course. 

A  clyster  was  actually  administered  by  an  old  woman  of 
the  family,  who  had  been  Sir  Thomas's  nurse,  and  the  pa- 
tient took  a  draught  made  of  oxymel  of  squills  to  forward 
the  operation  of  the  antimonial  wine,  which  had  been  re- 
tarded by  the  opiate  of  the  preceding  night.  He  was  visited 
by  the  vicar,  who  read  prayers,  and  began  to  take  an  account 
of  the  state  of  his  soul,  when  those  medicines  produced  their 
effect ;  so  that  the  parson  was  obliged  to  hold  his  nose  while 
he  poured  forth  spiritual  consolation  from  his  mouth.  The 
same  expedient  was  used  by  the  knight  and  me,  who,  with 
the  doctor,  entered  the  chamber  at  this  juncture,  and  found 
Frogmore  enthroned  on  an  easing-chair,  under  the  pressure 
of  a  double  evacuation.  The  short  intervals  betwixt  every 
heave  he  employed  in  crying  for  mercy,  confessing  his  sins, 
or  asking  the  vicar's  opinion  of  his  case ;  and  the  vicar  an- 
swered, in  a  solemn  snuffling  tone,  that  heightened  the  ridi- 
cule of  the  scene.  The  emetic  having  done  its  office,  the  doc- 
for  interfered,  and  ordered  the  patient  to  be  put  in  bed  again. 
When  he  examined  the  egesta,  and  felt  his  pulse,  he  declared 
that  much  of  the  vims  was  discharged ;  and,  giving  him  a 
composing  draught,  assured  him  he  had  good  hopes  of  his 
recovery.  This  welcome  hint  he  received  with  tears  of  joy 
in  his  eyes,  protesting,  that,  if  he  should  recover,  he  would 
always  think  himself  indebted  for  his  life  to  the  great  skill 
and  tenderness  of  his  doctor,  whose  hands  he  squeezed  with 
great  fervour ;  and  thus  he  was  left  to  his  repose. 

We  were  pressed  to  stay  dinner,  that  we  might  be  wit- 
nesses of  his  resuscitation ;  but  my  uncle  insisted  upon  our 
departing  before  noon,  that  we  might  reach  this  town  before 
it  should  be  dark.  In  the  meantime,  Lady  Bulford  con- 
ducted us  into  the  garden  to  see  a  fish  pond,  just  finished, 
which  Mr.  Bramble  censured  as  being  too  near  the  parlour, 
where  the  knight  now  sat  by  himself,  dozing  in  an  elbow- 
chair,  after  the  fatigues  of  his  morning  achievement.  In  this 
situation  he  reclined  with  his  feet  wrapped  in  flannel,  and 
supported  in  a  line  with  his  body,  when  the  door  flying  open 
with  a  violent  shock.  Lieutenant  Lismahago  rushed  into  the 
room,  with  horror  in  his  looks,  exclaiming,  "  A  mad  dog !  a 

320 


-  Jl.  »tr'uiS  t  tmtri.t . 


Lismahago's  Retaliation 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

mad  dog !  "  and  throwing  up  the  window  sash,  leaped  into 
the  garden.  Sir  Thomas,  waked  by  this  tremendous  ex- 
clamation, started  up,  and  forgetting  his  gout,  followed  the 
lieutenant's  example  by  a  kind  of  instinctive  impulse.  He 
not  only  bolted  through  the  window  like  an  arrow  from  a 
bow,  but  ran  up  to  his  middle  in  the  pond  before  he  gave 
the  least  sign  of  recollection.  Then  the  captain  began  to 
bawl,  *'  Lord  have  mercy  upon  us !  pray  take  care  of  the 
gentleman! — for  God's  sake  mind  your  footing,  my  dear 
boy ! — get  warm  blankets — comfort  his  poor  carcase — warm 
the  bed  in  the  green  room." 

Lady  Bulford  was  thunderstruck  at  this  phenomenon,  and 
the  rest  of  the  company  gazed  in  silent  astonishment,  while 
the  servants  hastened  to  assist  their  master,  who  suffered 
himself  to  be  carried  back  into  the  parlour  without  speaking 
a  word.  Being  instantly  accommodated  with  dry  clothes 
and  flannels,  comforted  with  a  cordial,  and  replaced  in  statu 
quo,  one  of  the  maids  was  ordered  to  chafe  his  lower  extremi- 
ties, an  operation  in  consequence  of  which  his  senses  seemed 
to  return,  and  his  good-humour  to  revive.  As  we  had  fol- 
lowed him  into  the  room,  he  looked  at  every  individual  in  his 
turn,  with  a  certain  ludicrous  expression  in  his  countenance, 
but  fixed  his  eye  in  particular  upon  Lismahago,  who  pre- 
sented him  with  a  pinch  of  snuflf;  and  when  he  took  it  in 
silence,  "  Sir  Thomas  Bulford,"  said  he,  "  I  am  much  obliged 
to  you  for  all  your  favours,  and  some  of  them  I  have  en- 
deavoured to  repay  in  your  own  coin." — "  Give  me  thy 
hand,"  cried  the  baronet ;  "  thou  hast  indeed  paid  me  scot  and 
lot;  and  even  left  a  balance  in  my  hands,  for  which,  in 
presence  of  this  company,  I  promise  to  be  accountable."  So 
saying,  he  laughed  very  heartily,  and  even  seemed  to  enjoy 
the  retaliation  which  had  been  exacted  at  his  own  expense ; 
but  Lady  Bulford  looked  very  grave ;  and,  in  all  probability, 
thought  the  lieutenant  had  carried  his  resentment  too  far, 
considering  that  her  husband  was  valetudinary — but,  accord- 
ing to  the  proverb,  he  that  will  play  at  bowls  must  expect  to 
meet  zvith  rubbers. 

I  have  seen  a  tame  bear,  very  diverting  when  properly 
managed,  become  a  very  dangerous  wild  beast  when  teased 
for  the  entertainment  of  the  spectators.    As  for  Lismahago, 

II  321 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

he  seemed  to  think  the  fright  and  the  cold  bath  would  have 
a  good  effect  upon  the  patient's  constitution ;  but  the  doctor 
hinted  some  apprehension  that  the  gouty  matter  might,  by 
such  a  sudden  shock,  be  repelled  from  the  extremities,  and 
thrown  upon  some  of  the  more  vital  parts  of  the  machine. 
I  should  be  very  sorry  to  see  this  prognostic  verified  upon 
our  facetious  landlord,  who  told  Mrs.  Tabitha  at  parting, 
that  he  hoped  she  would  remember  him  in  the  distribution 
of  the  bride's  favours,  as  he  had  taken  so  much  pains  to  put 
the  captain's  parts  and  mettle  to  the  proof.  After  all,  I  am 
afraid  our  squire  will  appear  to  be  the  greatest  sufferer  by  the 
baronet's  wit ;  for  his  constitution  is  by  no  means  calculated 
for  night  alarms.  He  has  yawned  and  shivered  all  day,  and 
gone  to  bed  without  supper;  so  that,  as  we  have  got  into 
good  quarters,  I  imagine  we  shall  make  a  halt  to-morrow ; 
in  which  case,  you  will  have  at  least  one  day's  respite  from 
the  persecution  of  J.  Melford, 

Oct  3. 

To  Mrs.  Mary  Jones,  at  Brambleton  Hall. 

Dear  Mary, — Miss  Liddy  is  so  good  as  to  unclose  me  in 
a  kiver  as  fur  as  Gloster,  and  the  carrier  will  bring  it  to  hand. 
God  send  us  all  safe  to  Monmouthshire,  for  I'm  quite  jaded 
with  rambling.  'Tis  true  saying,  live  and  learn.  O  woman, 
what  chuckling  and  changing  have  I  seen! — Well,  there's 
nothin  sartin  in  this  world — Who  would  have  thought  that 
mistriss,  after  all  the  pains  taken  for  the  good  of  her  prusias 
sole,  would  go  for  to  throw  away  her  poor  body?  that  she 
would  cast  the  heys  of  infection  upon  such  a  carrying  crow 
as  Lashmyhago!  as  old  as  Mathewsullin,  as  dry  as  a  red 
herring,  and  as  pore  as  a  starved  veezel — O  Molly !  hadst 
thou  seen  him  come  down  the  ladder,  in  a  shurt  so  scanty, 
that  it  could  not  kiver  his  nakedness!  The  young  squire 
called  him  Dunquickset ;  but  he  looked  for  all  the  world  like 
Cradoc-ap-Morgan,  the  ould  tinker  that  suffered  at  Aber- 
gany  for  stealing  of  kettle.  Then  he's  a  profane  scufffe,  and, 
as  Mr.  Clinker  says,  no  better  than  an  imp-fiddle,  contin- 
ually playing  upon  the  pyebill,  and  the  new  burth.  I  doubt 
he  has  as  little  manners  as  money;  for  he  can't  say  a  civil 

322 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

word,  much  more  make  me  a  present  of  a  pair  of  gloves  for 
good  will ;  but  he  looks  as  if  he  wanted  to  be  very  foreward 
and  familiar.  O  !  that  ever  a  gentlewoman  of  years  and  dis- 
cretion should  tare  her  air,  and  cry,  and  disporridge  herself 
for  such  a  nubjack !  as  the  song  goes — 

I  vow  she  would  fain  have  a  burd 
That  bids  such  a  price  for  an  owl. 

But,  for  sartain,  he  must  have  dealt  with  some  Scotch 
musician  to  bring  her  to  this  pass ;  as  for  me,  I  put  my  trust 
in  the  Lord,  and  I  have  got  a  slice  of  witch-elm  sowq4  in  the 
gathers  of  my  under  petticoat ;  and  Mr.  Clinker  assures  me 
that,  by  the  new  light  of  grease,  I  may  defy  the  devil  and  all 
his  works ;  but  I  nose  what  I  nose.  If  mistress  should  take 
up  with  Lashmyhago,  this  is  no  sarvice  for  me.  Thank  God, 
there's  not  want  of  places,  and  if  it  wan't  for  one  thing,  I 
would — but,  no  matter.  Madam  Baynar's  woman  has 
twenty  good  pounds  a  year  and  parquisites,  and  dresses  like 
a  parson  of  distinkson.  I  dined  with  her  and  the  valey  de 
shambles,  with  bags  and  golden  jackets ;  but  there  was  noth- 
ing kimfittable  to  eat,  being  as  how  they  live  upon  board, 
and  having  nothing  but  a  piss  of  could  cuddling  tart  and 
some  blamangey,  I  was  tuck  with  the  cullick,  and  a  murcy  it 
was  that  mistress  had  her  viol  of  assings  in  the  cox. 

But,  as  I  was  saying,  I  think  for  sartin  this  match  will  go 
forewood ;  for  things  are  come  to  a  creesus,  and  I  have  seen 
with  my  own  heys  such  smuggling — but  I  scorn  for  to  ex- 
close  the  secrets  of  the  family ;  and  if  it  wance  comes  to  mar- 
rying^ who  nose  but  the  frolic  may  go  round.  I  believes  as 
how  Miss  Liddy  would  have  no  reversion  if  her  swan  would 
appear;  and  you  would  be  surprised,  Molly,  to  receive  a 
bride's  fever  from  your  humble  sarvant ;  but  this  is  all  sup- 
pository, dear  girl,  and  I  have  sullenly  promised  to  Mr. 
Clinker,  that  neither  man,  woman,  nor  child,  shall  no  that 
arrow  said  a  civil  thing  to  me  in  the  way  of  infection.  I 
hopes  to  drink  your  health  at  Brambleton  Hall,  in  a  horn  of 
October,  before  the  month  be  out.  Pray  let  my  bed  be 
turned  once  a-day,  and  the  windore  opened,  while  the 
weather  is  dry;  and  burn  a  few  billets  with  some  brush  in 
the  footman's  garret,  and  see  their  mattrash  be  dry  as  a 

323 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

bone ;  for  both  our  gentlemen  have  got  a  sad  could  by  lying 
in  damp  shits  at  Sir  Tummus  Ballfart's.  No  more  at  present, 
but  my  sarvice  to  Saul  and  the  rest  of  our  fellow-sarvants, 
being  Dear  Mary  Jones,  always  yours, 

Oct.  4.  Win.  Jenkins. 

To  Miss  L^titia  Willis,  at  Gloucester. 

My  Dear  Letty, — This  method  of  writing  to  you  from 
time  to  time,  without  any  hopes  of  an  answer,  affords 
me,  I  own,  some  ease  and  satisfaction  in  the  midst  of  my  dis- 
quiet, as  it  in  some  degree  lightens  the  burden  of  affliction; 
but  it  is  at  best  a  very  imperfect  enjoyment  of  friendship, 
because  it  admits  of  no  return  of  confidence  and  good  coun- 
sel. I  would  give  the  whole  world  to  have  your  company 
for  a  single  day.  I  am  heartily  tired  of  this  itinerant  way  of 
life.  I  am  quite  dizzy  with  a  perpetual  succession  of  objects ; 
besides,  it  is  impossible  to  travel  such  a  length  of  way  with- 
out being  exposed  to  inconveniences,  dangers,  and  disagree- 
able accidents,  which  prove  very  grievous  to  a  poor  creature 
of  weak  nerves  like  me,  and  make  me  pay  very  dear  for  the 
gratification  of  my  curiosity. 

Nature  never  intended  me  for  the  busy  world ;  I  long 
for  repose  and  solitude,  where  I  can  enjoy  that  disinterested 
friendship  which  is  not  to  be  found  among  crowds,  and  in- 
dulge those  pleasing  reveries  that  shun  the  hurry  and  tumult 
of  fashionable  society.  Unexperienced  as  I  am  in  the  com- 
merce of  life,  I  have  seen  enough  to  give  me  a  disgust  to  the 
generality  of  those  who  carry  it  on ;  there  is  such  malice, 
treachery,  and  dissimulation,  even  among  professed  friends 
and  intimate  companions,  as  cannot  fail  to  strike  a  virtuous 
mind  with  horror;  and  when  vice  quits  the  stage  for  a  mo- 
ment, her  place  is  immediately  occupied  by  folly,  which  is 
often  too  serious  to  excite  anything  but  compassion.  Perhaps 
I  ought  to  be  silent  on  the  foibles  of  my  poor  aunt ;  but  with 
you,  my  dear  Willis,  I  have  no  secrets ;  and  truly  her  weak- 
nesses are  such  as  cannot  be  concealed.  Since  the  first  mo- 
ment we  arrived  at  Bath,  she  has  been  employed  constantly 
in  spreading  nets  for  the  other  sex;  and  at  length  she  has 
caught  a  superannuated  lieutenant,  who  is  in  a  fair  way  to 

324 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

make  her  change  her  name.  My  uncle  and  my  brother  seem 
to  have  no  objection  to  this  extraordinary  match,  which,  I 
make  no  doubt,  will  afford  abundance  of  matter  of  conversa- 
tion and  mirth;  for  my  part,  I  am  too  sensible  of  my  own 
weaknesses  to  be  diverted  with  those  of  other  people.  At 
present  I  have  something  at  heart  that  employs  my  whole 
attention,  and  keeps  my  mind  in  the  utmost  terror  and  sus- 
pense. 

Yesterday,  in  the  forenoon,  as  I  stood  with  my  brother  at 
the  parlour  window  of  an  inn  where  we  had  lodged,  a  per- 
son passed  a-horseback,  whom,  gracious  Heaven !  I  instantly 
discovered  to  be  Wilson !  He  wore  a  white  riding  coat,  with 
the  cape  buttoned  up  to  his  chin;  looked  remarkably  pale, 
and  passed  at  a  round  trot,  without  seeming  to  ob- 
serve us ;  indeed  he  could  not  see  us,  for  there  was  a 
blind  that  concealed  us  from  the  view.  You  may  guess 
how  I  was  affected  at  this  apparition.  The  light  for- 
sook my  eyes,  and  I  was  seized  with  such  a  palpitation  and 
trembling,  that  I  could  not  stand.  I  sat  down  upon  a 
couch,  and  strove  to  compose  myself,  that  my  brother  might 
not  perceive  my  agitation ;  but  it  was  impossible  to  escape  his 
prying  eyes.  He  had  observed  the  object  that  alarmed  me, 
and  doubtless  knew  him  at  the  first  glance.  He  now  looked 
at  me  with  a  stern  countenance,  then  he  ran  out  into  the 
street,  to  see  what  road  the  unfortunate  horseman  had  taken. 
He  afterwards  despatched  his  man  for  farther  intelligence, 
and  seemed  to  meditate  some  violent  design.  My  uncle 
being  out  of  order,  we  remained  another  night  at  the  inn ; 
and  all  day  long  Jerry  acted  the  part  of  an  indefatigable  spy 
upon  my  conduct ;  he  watched  my  very  looks  with  such 
eagerness  of  attention,  as  if  he  would  have  penetrated  into 
the  inmost  recesses  of  my  heart.  This  may  be  owing  to  his 
regard  for  my  honour,  if  it  is  not  the  effect  of  his  own  pride ; 
but  he  is  so  hot,  and  violent,  and  unrelenting,  that  the  sight 
of  him  alone  throws  me  into  a  flutter;  and  really  it  will  not 
be  in  my  power  to  afford  him  any  share  of  my  affection,  if  he 
persists  in  persecuting  me  at  this  rate.  I  am  afraid  he  has 
formed  some  scheme  of  vengeance,  which  will  make  me  com- 
pletely wretched!  I  am  afraid  he  suspects  some  collusion 
from  this  appearance  of  Wilson.    Good  God!  did, he  really 

325 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

appear !  or  was  it  only  a  phantom,  a  pale  spectre  to  apprise 
me  of  his  death ! 

O  Letty,  what  shall  I  do  ?  where  shall  I  turn  for  advice  and 
consolation  ?  shall  I  implore  the  protection  of  my  uncle,  who 
has  been  always  kind  and  compassionate  ? — this  must  be  my 
last  resource.  I  dread  the  thoughts  of  making  him  uneasy, 
and  would  rather  suffer  a  thousand  deaths  than  live  the 
cause  of  dissension  in  the  family.  I  cannot  perceive  the 
meaning  of  Wilson's  coming  hither ;  perhaps  he  was  in  quest 
of  us,  in  order  to  disclose  his  real  name  and  situation ;  but 
wherefore  pass  without  staying  to  make  the  least  inquiry? 
My  dear  Willis,  I  am  lost  in  conjecture  ;  I  have  not  closed  an 
eye  since  I  saw  him.  All  night  long  have  I  been  tossed  about 
from  one  imagination  to  another.  The  reflection  finds  no 
resting-place.  I  have  prayed,  and  sighed,  and  wept  plenti- 
fully. If  this  terrible  suspense  continues  much  longer,  I  shall 
have  another  fit  of  illness,  and  then  the  whole  family  will  be 
in  confusion.  If  it  was  consistent  with  the  wise  purposes  of 
Providence,  would  I  were  in  my  grave ;  but  it  is  my  duty  to 
be  resigned.  My  dearest  Letty,  excuse  my  weakness,  excuse 
these  blots ;  my  tears  fall  so  fast  that  I  cannot  keep  the  paper 
dry ;  yet  I  ought  to  consider  that  I  have  as  yet  no  cause  to 
despair ;  but  I  am  such  a  faint-hearted,  timorous  creature ! 

Thank  God,  my  uncle  is  much  better  than  he  was  yester- 
day ;  he  is  resolved  to  pursue  our  journey  straight  to  Wales. 
I  hope  we  shall  take  Gloucester  in  our  way ;  that  hope  cheers 
my  poor  heart :  I  shall  once  more  embrace  my  best  beloved 
Willis,  and  pour  all  my  griefs  into  her  friendly  bosom.  O 
Heaven !  is  it  possible  that  such  happiness  is  reserved  for 
The  dejected  and  forlorn 

October  4.  Lydia  Melford. 


To  Sir  Watkin  Phillips,  Barf,  of  Jesus  College,  Oxon. 

Dear  Watkin, — I  yesterday  met  with  an  accident  which 
I  believe  you  will  own  to  be  very  surprising.  As  I  stood  with 
Liddy  at  the  window  of  the  inn  where  we  had  lodged,  who 
should  pass  by  but  Wilson  a-horseback?  I  could  not  be 
mistaken  in  the  person,  for  I  had  a  full  view  of  him  as  he  ad- 
vanced ;  I  plainly  perceived  by  my  sister's  confusion  that  she 

326 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

recognised  him  at  the  same  time.  I  was  equally  astonished 
and  incensed  at  his  appearance,  which  I  could  not  but  inter- 
pret into  an  insult,  or  something  worse.  I  ran  out  at  the 
gate,  and,  seeing  him  turn  the  corner  of  the  street,  I  des- 
patched my  servant  to  observe  his  motions,  but  the  fellow 
was  too  late  to  bring  me  that  satisfaction.  He  told  me,  how- 
ever, that  there  was  an  inn,  called  the  Red  Lion,  at  that  end 
of  the  town,  where  he  supposed  the  horseman  had  alighted, 
but  that  he  would  not  inquire  without  farther  orders.  I  sent 
him  back  immediately  to  know  what  strangers  were  in  the 
house,  and  he  returned  with  a  report  that  there  was  one  Mr. 
Wilson  lately  arrived.  In  consequence  of  this  information, 
I  charged  him  with  a  note  directed  to  that  gentleman,  desir- 
ing him  to  meet  me  in  half  an  hour,  in  a  certain  field  at  the 
town's  end,  with  a  case  of  pistols,  in  order  to  decide  the  dif- 
ference which  could  not  be  determined  at  our  last  rencontre ; 
but  I  did  not  think  proper  to  subscribe  the  billet.  My  man 
assured  me  he  had  delivered  it  into  his  own  hand ;  and  that, 
having  read  it,  he  declared  he  would  wait  upon  the  gentle- 
man at  the  place  and  time  appointed.    ' 

M'Alpin  being  an  old  soldier,  and  luckily  sober  at  the  time, 
I  intrusted  him  with  my  secret.  I  ordered  him  to  be  within 
call ;  and,  having  given  him  a  letter  to  be  delivered  to  my 
uncle  in  case  of  accident,  I  repaired  to  the  rendezvous,  which 
was  an  enclosed  field  at  a  little  distance  from  the  highway.  I 
found  my  antagonist  had  already  taken  his  ground,  wrapped 
in  a  dark  horseman's  coat,  with  a  laced  hat  flapped  over  his 
eyes ;  but  what  was  my  astonishment,  when,  throwing  off  his 
wrapper,  he  appeared  to  be  a  person  whom  I  had  never  seen 
before !  He  had  one  pistol  stuck  in  a  leather  belt,  and  an- 
other in  his  hand  ready  for  action,  and,  advancing  a  few 
steps,  called  to  know  if  I  was  ready ;  I  answered  "  No,"  and 
desired  a  parley ;  upon  which  he  turned  the  muzzle  of  his 
piece  towards  the  earth,  then  replaced  it  in  his  belt,  and  met 
me  half-way. 

When  I  assured  him  he  was  not  the  man  I  expected  to 
meet,  he  said  it  might  be  so;  that  he  had  received  a  slip  of 
paper  directed  to  Mr.  Wilson,  requesting  him  to  come 
hither ;  and  that,  as  there  was  no  other  in  the  place  of  that 
name,  he  naturally  concluded  the  note  was  intended  for  him, 

327 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

and  him  only.  I  then  gave  him  to  understand  that  I  had 
been  injured  by  a  person  who  assumed  that  name,  which  per- 
son I  had  actually  seen  within  the  hour,  passing  through  the 
street  on  horseback ;  that  hearing  there  was  a  Mr.  Wilson 
at  the  Red  Lion,  I  took  it  for  granted  he  was  the  man,  and 
in  that  belief  had  writ  the  billet;  and  I  expressed  my  sur- 
prise, that  he,  who  was  a  stranger  to  me  and  my  concerns, 
should  give  me  such  a  rendezvous,  without  taking  the  trouble 
to  demand  a  previous  explanation.  He  replied  that  there 
was  no  other  of  his  name  in  the  whole  country;  that  no  such 
horseman  had  alighted  at  the  Red  Lion  since  nine  o'clock, 
when  he  arrived;  that,  having  had  the  honour  to  serve  his 
Majesty,  he  thought  he  could  not  decently  decline  any  in- 
vitation of  this  kindj  from  what  quarter  soever  it  might 
come ;  and  that,  if  any  explanation  was  necessary,  it  did  not 
belong  to  him  to  demand  it,  but  to  the  gentleman  who  sum- 
moned him  into  the  field. 

Vexed  as  I  was  at  this  adventure,  I  could  not  help  admir- 
ing the  coolness  of  this  officer,  whose  open  countenance  pre- 
possessed me  in  his  favour.  He  seemed  to  be  turned  of  forty  ; 
wore  his  own  short  black  hair,  which  curled  naturally  about 
his  ears,  and  was  very  plain  in  his  apparel.  When  I  begged 
pardon  for  the  trouble  I  had  given  him,  he  received  my  apol- 
ogy with  great  good-humour.  He  told  me  that  he  lived 
about  ten  miles  off,  at  a  small  farm-house,  which  would  af- 
ford me  tolerable  lodging,  if  I  would  come  and  take  the 
diversion  of  hunting  with  him  for  a  few  weeks ;  in  which  case, 
we  might  perhaps  find  out  the  man  who  had  given  me  of- 
fence. I  thanked  him  very  sincerely  for  his  courteous  offer, 
which,  I  told  him,  I  was  not  at  liberty  to  accept  at  present, 
on  account  of  my  being  engaged  in  a  family  party;  and  so 
we  parted,  with  mutual  expressions  of  goodwill  and  esteem. 

Now  tell  me,  dear  knight,  what  am  I  to  make  of  this  singu- 
lar adventure?  Am  I  to  suppose  that  the  horseman  I  saw 
was  really  a  thing  of  flesh  and  blood,  or  a  bubble  that  van- 
ished into  air ;  or  must  I  imagine  Liddy  knows  more  of  the 
matter  than  she  chooses  to  disclose  ?  If  I  thought  her  capa- 
ble of  carrying  on  any  clandestine  correspondence  with  such 
a  fellow,  I  should  at  once  discard  all  tenderness,  and  forget 
that  she  was  connected  with  me  by  the  ties  of  blood.  But  how 

328 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

is  it  possible  that  a  girl  of  her  simplicity  and  inexperience 
should  maintain  such  an  intercourse,  surrounded  as  she  is 
with  so  many  eyes,  destitute  of  all  opportunity,  and  shifting 
quarters  every  day  of  her  life?  Besides,  she  has  solemnly 
promised — No,  I  can't  think  the  girl  so  base,  so  insensible  to 
the  honour  of  her  family.  What  disturbs  me  chiefly  is  the 
impression  which  these  occurrences  seem  to  make  upon  her 
spirits.  These  are  the  symptoms  from  which  I  conclude  that 
the  rascal  has  still  a  hold  on  her  affection — surely  I  have  a 
right  to  call  him  a  rascal,  and  to  conclude  that  his  designs 
are  infamous ;  but  it  shall  be  my  fault  if  he  does  not  one  day 
repent  his  presumption.  I  confess  I  cannot  think,  much  less 
write  on  this  subject  with  any  degree  of  temper  or  patience ; 
I  shall  therefore  conclude  with  telling  you,  that  we  hope  to 
be  in  Wales  by  the  latter  end  of  the  month ;  but  before  that 
period  you  will  probably  hear  again  from 
Your  affectionate, 
October  4.  J.  Melford. 


To  Sir  Watkin  Phillips,  Bart,  at  Oxon. 

Dear  Phillips, — When  I  wrote  you  by  last  post,  I  did 
not  imagine  I  should  be  tempted  to  trouble  you  again  so 
soon ;  but  I  now  sit  down  with  a  heart  so  full,  that  it  cannot 
contain  itself;  though  I  am  under  such  agitation  of  spirits, 
that  you  are  to  expect  neither  method  nor  connexion  in  this 
address.  We  have  been  this  day  within  a  hair's-breadth  of 
losing  honest  Matthew  Bramble,  in  consequence  of  a  cursed 
accident,  which  I  will  endeavour  to  explain.  In  crossing 
the  country  to  get  into  the  post-road,  it  was  necessary  to  ford 
a  river,  and  we  that  were  a-horseback  passed  without  any 
danger  or  diflficulty;  but  a  great  quantity  of  rain  having 
fallen  last  night  and  this  morning,  there  was  such  an  accu- 
mulation of  water,  that  a  mill-head  gave  way,  just  as  the 
coach  was  passing  under  it,  and  the  flood  rushed  down  with 
such  impetuosity,  as  first  floated,  and  then  fairly  overturned 
the  carriage  in  the  middle  of  the  stream. 

Lismahago  and  I,  and  the  two  servants,  alighting  instan- 
taneously, ran  into  the  river  to  give  all  the  assistance  in  our 
power.     Our  aunt,  Mrs.  Tabitha,  who  had  the  good  fortune 

329 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

to  be  uppermost,  was  already  half-way  out  of  the  coach  win- 
dow, when  her  lover  approaching,  disengaged  her  entirely; 
but,  whether  his  foot  shpped,  or  the  burthen  was  too  great, 
they  fell  over  head  and  ears  in  each  other's  arms.  He  endeav- 
oured more  than  once  to  get  up,  and  even  to  disentangle 
himself  from  her  embrace,  but  she  hung  about  his  neck  like 
a  millstone  (no  bad  emblem  of  rriatrimony) ;  and  if  my  man 
had  not  proved  a  staunch  auxiliary,  those  two  lovers  would 
in  all  probability  have  gone  hand  in  hand  to  the  shades  be- 
low. For  my  part,  I  was  too  much  engaged  to  take  any  cog- 
nisance of  their  distress.  I  snatched  out  my  sister  by  the 
hair  of  the  head,  and,  dragging  her  to  the  bank,  recollected 
that  my  uncle  had  not  yet  appeared.  Rushing  again  into  the 
stream,  I  met  Clinker  haling  ashore  Mrs.  Jenkins,  who 
looked  like  a  mermaid  with  her  hair  dishevelled  about  her 
ears ;  but  when  I  asked  if  his  master  was  safe,  he  forthwith 
'shook  her  from  him,  and  she  must  have  gone  to  pot,  if  a 
miller  had  not  seasonably  come  to  her  relief. 

As  for  Humphry,  he  flew  like  lightning  to  the  coach,  that 
was  by  this  time  filled  with  water,  and,  diving  into  it,  brought 
up  the  poor  squire,  to  all  appearance  deprived  of  life.  It  is 
not  in  my  power  to  describe  what  I  felt  at  this  melancholy 
spectacle.  It  was  such  an  agony  as  baffles  all  description ! 
The  faithful  Clinker,  taking  him  up  in  his  arms,  as  if  he  had 
been  an  infant  of  six  Hionths,  carried  him  ashore,  howling 
most  piteously  all  the  way,  and  I  followed  him  in  a  transport 
of  grief  and  consternation.  When  he  was  laid  upon  the 
grass,  and  turned  from  side  to  side,  a  great  quantity  of  water 
ran  out  at  his  mouth,  then  he  opened  his  eyes,  and  fetched  a 
deep  sigh.  Clinker,  perceiving  these  signs  of  life,  immedi- 
ately tied  up  his  arm  with  a  garter,  and,  pulling  out  a  horse- 
fleam,  let  him  blood  in  the  farrier  style.  At  first  a  few  drops 
only  issued  from  the  orifice ;  but  the  arm  being  chafed,  in  a 
little  time  the  blood  began  to  flow  in  a  continued  stream ; 
and  he  uttered  some  incoherent  words,  which  were  the  most 
welcome  sounds  that  ever  saluted  my  ear.  There  was  a 
country  inn  hard  by,  the  landlord  of  which  had  by  this  time 
come  with  his  people  to  give  their  assistance.  Thither  my 
uncle  being  carried,  was  undressed,  and  put  to  bed,  wrapped 
in  warm  blankets ;  but  having  been  moved  too  soon,  he 

330 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

fainted  away,  and  once  more  lay  without  sense  or  motion, 
notwithstanding  all  the  efforts  of  Clinker  and  the  landlord, 
who  bathed  his  temples  with  Hungary-water,  and  held  a 
smelling-bottle  to  his  nose. 

As  I  had  heard  of  the  efficacy  of  salt  in  such  cases,  I  or- 
dered all  that  was  in  the  house  to  be  laid  under  his  head  and 
body ;  and  whether  this  application  had  the  desired  effect, 
or  Nature  of  herself  prevailed,  he,  in  less  than  a  quarter  of  an 
hour,  began  to  breathe  regularly,  and  soon  retrieved  his 
recollection,  to  the  unspeakable  joy  of  all  the  bystanders. 
As  for  Clinker,  his  brain  seemed  to  be  affected.  He  laughed 
and  wept,  and  danced  about  in  such  a  distracted  manner, 
that  the  landlord  very  judiciously  conveyed  him  out  of  the 
room.  My  uncle,  seeing  me  dropping  wet,  comprehended  the 
whole  of  what  had  happened,  and  asked  if  all  the  company 
was  safe.  Being  answered  in  the  affirmative,  he  insisted 
upon  my  putting  on  dry  clothes ;  and,  having  swallowed  a 
little  warm  wine,  desired  he  might  be  left  to  his  repose.  Be- 
fore I  went  to  shift  myself,  I  inquired  about  the  rest  of  the 
family.  I  found  Mrs.  Tabitha  still  deHrious  from  her  fright, 
discharging  very  copiously  the  water  she  had  swallowed. 
She  was  supported  by  the  captain,  distilling  drops  from  his 
uncurled  periwig,  so  lank  and  so  dank,  that  he  looked  like 
Father  Thame  without  his  sedges,  embracing  Isis,  while  she 
cascaded  in  his  urn.  Mrs.  Jenkins  was  present  also  in  a  loose 
bedgown,  without  either  cap  or  handkerchief;  but  she 
seemed  to  be  as  little  compos  mentis  as  her  mistress,  and  acted 
so  many  cross  purposes  in  the  course  of  her  attendance,  that, 
between  the  two,  Lismahago  had  occasion  for  all  his  philoso- 
phy. As  for  Liddy,  I  thought  the  poor  girl  would  have  ac- 
tually lost  her  senses.  The  good  woman  of  the  house  had 
shifted  her  linen,  and  put  her  into  bed ;  but  she  was  seized 
with  the  idea  that  her  uncle  had  perished,  and,  in  this  persua- 
sion, made  a  dismal  outcry ;  nor  did  she  pay  the  least  regard 
to  what  I  said,  when  I  solemnly  assured  her  he  was  safe. 

Mr.  Bramble  hearing  the  noise,  and  being  informed  of  her 
apprehension,  desired  she  might  be  brought  into  his  cham- 
ber ;  and  she  no  sooner  received  this  intimation,  than  she  ran 
thither  half-naked,  with  the  wildest  expression  of  eagerness 
in  her  countenance.    Seeing  the  squire  sitting  up  in  the  bed, 

331 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

she  sprung  forwards,  and  throwing  her  arms  about  his  neck, 
exclaimed,  in  a  most  pathetic  tone,  "  Are  you — are  you  in- 
deed my  uncle — my  dear  uncle! — my  best  friend! — my 
father  I  Are  you  really  living  ?  or  is  it  an  illusion  of  my  poor 
brain  ?  "  Honest  Matthew  was  so  much  affected,  that  he 
could  not  help  shedding  tears,  while  he  kissed  her  forehead, 
saying,  "  My  dear  Liddy,  I  hope  I  shall  live  long  enough  to 
show  how  sensible  I  am  of  your  affection.  But  your  spirits 
are  fluttered,  child — you  want  rest — go  to  bed  and  compose 
yourself  " —  "  Well,  I  will,"  she  replied ;  "  but  still  methinks 
this  cannot  be  real.  The  coach  was  full  of  water — my  uncle 
was  under  us  all.  Gracious  God! — you  was  under  water — 
how  did  you  get  out  ?  Tell  me  that ;  or  I  shall  think  this  is 
all  a  deception." — "  In  what  manner  I  was  brought  out,  I 
know  as  little  as  you  do,  my  dear,"  said  the  squire ;  "  and 
truly  that  is  a  circumstance  of  which  I  want  to  be  informed." 
I  would  have  given  him  a  detail  of  the  whole  adventure,  but 
he  would  not  hear  me  until  I  should  change  my  clothes ;  so 
that  I  had  only  time  to  tell  him,  that  he  owed  his  life  to  the 
courage  and  fidelity  of  Clinker ;  and,  having  given  him  this 
hint,  I  conducted  my  sister  to  her  own  chamber. 

This  accident  happened  about  three  o'clock  in  the  after- 
noon, and  in  little  more  than  half  an  hour  the  hurricane  was 
all  over ;  but  as  the  carriage  was  found  to  be  so  much  dam- 
aged, that  it  could  not  proceed  without  considerable  repairs, 
a  blacksmith  and  wheelwright  were  immediately  sent  for  to 
the  next  market  town,  and  we  congratulated  ourselves  upon 
being  housed  at  an  inn,  which,  though  remote  from  the  post- 
road,  afforded  exceeding  good  lodging.  The  women  being 
pretty  well  composed,  and  the  men  all  afoot,  my  uncle  sent 
for  his  servant,  and,  in  the  presence  of  Lismahago  and  me, 
accosted  him  in  these  words — "  So,  Clinker,  I  find  you  are 
resolved  I  shan't  die  by  water.  As  you  have  fished  me  up 
from  the  bottom  at  your  own  risk,  you  are  at  least  entitled 
to  all  the  money  that  was  in  my  pocket,  and  there  it  is."  So 
saying,  he  presented  him  with  a  purse  containing  thirty 
guineas,  and  a  ring  nearly  of  the  same  value.  "  God  for- 
bid !  "  cried  Clinker — "  your  honour  shall  excuse  me.  I  am 
a  poor  fellow ;  but  I  have  a  heart.  O !  if  your  honour  did 
but  know  how  I  rejoiced  to  see — blessed  be  his  holy  name, 

332 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

that  made  me  the  humble  instrument— but  as  for  the  lucre 
of  gain,  I  renounce  it— I  have  done  no  more  than  my  duty- 
no  more  than  I  would  have  done  for  the  most  worthless  of 
my  fellow-creatures— no  more  than  I  would  have  done  for 
Captain  Lismahago,  or  Archy  M'Alpin,  or  any  other  sinner 
upon  earth— but  for  your  worship,  I  would  go  through  fire 
as  well  as  water." 

"  1  do  believe  it,  Humphry,"  said  the  squire ;  "  but  as  you 
think  it  was  your  duty  to  save  my  life  at  the  hazard  of  your 
own,  I  think  it  is  mine  to  express  the  sense  I  have  of  your 
extraordinary  fidelity  and  attachment.  I  insist  upon  your 
receiving  this  small  token  of  my  gratitude  ;  but  don't  imagine 
that  I  look  upon  this  as  an  adequate  recompense  for  the 
service  you  have  done  me.  I  have  determined  to  settle  thirty 
pounds  a  year  upon  you  for  life ;  and  I  desire  these  gentlemen 
will  bear  witness  to  this  my  intention,  of  which  I  have  a 
memorandum  in  my  pocket-book." — "  Lord  make  me  thank- 
ful for  all  these  mercies !  "  cried  Clinker,  sobbing ;  "  I  have 
been  a  poor  bankrupt  from  the  beginning.  Your  honour's 
goodness  found  me  when  I  was — naked — when  I  was — sick 
and  forlorn — I  understand  your  honour's  looks — I  would  not 
give  offence — but  my  heart  is  very  full — and  if  your  worship 
won't  give  me  leave  to  speak — I  must  vent  it  in  prayers  to 
Heaven  for  my  benefactor."  When  he  quitted  the  room, 
Lismahago  said,  he  should  have  a  much  better  opinion  of  his 
honesty,  if  he  did  not  whine  and  cant  so  abominably;  but 
that  he  had  always  observed  those  weeping  and  praying  fel- 
lows were  hypocrites  at  bottom.  Mr.  Bramble  made  no  re- 
ply to  this  sarcastic  remark,  proceeding  from  the  lieutenant's 
resentment  of  Clinker's  having,  in  pure  simplicity  of  heart, 
ranked  him  with  M'Alpin  and  the  sinners  of  the  earth. 

The  landlord  being  called  to  receive  some  orders  about  the 
beds,  told  the  squire,  that  his  house  was  very  much  at  his 
service,  but  he  was  sure  he  should  not  have  the  honour  to 
lodge  him  and  his  company.  He  gave  us  to  understand,  that 
his  master,  who  lived  hard  by,  would  not  suffer  us  to  be  at  a 
public-house,  when  there  was  accommodation  for  us  at  his 
own ;  and  that,  if  he  had  not  dined  abroad  in  the  neighbour- 
hood, he  would  have  undoubtedly  come  to  offer  his  services 
at  our  first  arrival.    He  then  launched  out  in  praise  of  that 

333 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

gentleman,  whom  he  had  served  as  butler,  representing  him 
as  a  perfect  miracle  of  goodness  and  generosity.  He  said 
he  was  a  person  of  great  learning,  and  allowed  to  be  the  best 
farmer  in  the  country — that  he  had  a  lady  who  was  as  much 
beloved  as  himself,  and  an  only  son,  a  very  hopeful  young 
gentleman,  just  recovered  from  a  dangerous  fever,  which  had 
like  to  have  proved  fatal  to  the  whole  family ;  for,  if  the  son 
had  died,  he  was  sure  the  parents  would  not  have  survived 
their  loss. 

He  had  not  yet  finished  the  encomium  of  Mr.  Dennison, 
when  this  gentleman  arrived  in  a  post-chaise,  and  his  appear- 
ance seemed  to  justify  all  that  had  been  said  in  his  favour. 
He  is  pretty  well  advanced  in  years,  but  hale,  robust,  and 
florid,  with  an  ingenuous  countenance,  expressive  of  good 
sense  and  humanity.  Having  condoled  with  us  on  the  acci- 
dent which  had  happened,  he  said  he  was  come  to  conduct 
us  to  his  habitation,  where  we  should  be  less  incommoded 
than  at  such  a  paltry  inn,  and  expressed  his  hope  that  the 
ladies  would  not  be  the  worse  for  going  thither  in  his  car- 
riage, as  the  distance  was  not  above  a  quarter  of  a  mile.  My 
uncle  having  made  a  proper  return  to  this  courteous  exhibi- 
tion, eyed  him  attentively,  and  then  asked  if  he  had  not  been 
at  Oxford,  a  commoner  of  Queen's  College.  When  Mr. 
Dennison  answered,  "  Yes,"  with  some  marks  of  surprise, 
"  Look  at  me,  then,"  said  our  squire,  "  and  let  us  see  if  you 
can  recollect  the  features  of  an  old  friend,  whom  you  have 
not  seen  these  forty  years."  The  gentleman,  taking  him  by 
the  hand,  and  gazing  at  him  earnestly,  "  I  protest !  "  cried 
he,  "  I  do  think  I  recall  the  idea  of  Matthew  Lloyd  of  Gla- 
morganshire, who  was  student  of  Jesus." — "  Well  remem- 
bered, my  dear  friend  Charles  Dennison !  "  exclaimed  my 
uncle,  pressing  him  to  his  breast,  "  I  am  that  very  identical 
Matthew  Lloyd  of  Glamorgan." 

Clinker,  who  had  just  entered  the  room  with  some  coals 
for  the  fire,  no  sooner  heard  these  words,  than,  throwing 
down  the  scuttle  on  the  toes  of  Lismahago,  he  began  to 
caper  as  if  he  was  mad,  crying,  "  Matthew  Lloyd  of  Glamor- 
gan ! — O  Providence ! — Matthew  Lloyd  of  Glamorgan  !  " 
Then,  clasping  my  uncle's  knees,  he  went  on  in  this  manner. 
*'Your  worship  must  forgive  me — Matthew  Lloyd  of  Gla- 

334 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

morgan!— O  Lord,  sir!— I  can't  contain  myself!— I  shall 
lose  my  senses  " —  "  Nay,  thou  hast  lost  them  already,  I 
believe,"  said  the  squire  peevishly ;  "  prithee,  Clinker,  be 
quiet — What  is  the  matter  ?  "  Humphry,  fumbling  in  his 
bosom,  pulled  out  an  old  wooden  snuff-box,  which  he  pre- 
sented in  great  trepidation  to  his  master,  who,  opening  it 
immediately,  perceived  a  small  cornelian  seal,  and  two  scraps 
of  paper.  At  sight  of  these  articles  he  started,  and  changed 
colour,  and  casting  his  eye  upon  the  inscriptions,  "  Ha ! — 
how ! — what  1 — where  !  "  cried  he,  "  is  the  person  here 
named !  " —  Clinker,  knocking  his  own  breast,  could  hardly 
pronounce  these  words — "  Here — here — here  is  Matthew 
Lloyd,  as  the  certificate  showeth — Humphry  Clinker  was  the 
name  of  the  farrier  that  took  me  'prentice." — "  And  who 
gave  you  these  tokens  ?  "  said  my  uncle  hastily.  "  My  poor 
mother  on  her  deathbed,"  replied  the  other.  "  And  who  was 
your  mother?" — "Dorothy  Twyford,  an'  please  your  hon- 
our, heretofore  barkeeper  at  the  Angel  at  Chippenham." — 
"  And  why  were  not  these  tokens  produced  before  ?  " — "  My 
mother  told  me  she  had  wrote  to  Glamorganshire,  at  the 
time  of  my  birth,  but  had  no  answer;  and  that  afterwards, 
when  she  made  inquiry,  there  was  no  such  person  in  that 
county." — "  And  so,  in  consequence  of  my  changing  my 
name,  and  going  abroad  at  that  very  time,  thy  poor  mother 
and  thou  have  been  left  to  want  and  misery.  I  am  really 
shocked  at  the  consequence  of  my  own  folly."  Then,  laying 
his  hand  on  Clinker's  head,  he  added,  "  Stand  forth,  Matthew 
Lloyd.  You  see,  gentlemen,  how  the  sins  of  my  youth  rise 
up  in  judgment  against  me.  Here  is  my  direction  written 
with  my  own  hand,  and  a  seal  which  I  left  at  the  woman's 
request ;  and  this  is  a  certificate  of  the  child's  baptism,  signed 
by  the  curate  of  the  parish." 

The  company  were  not  a  little  surprised  at  this  discovery ; 
upon  which  Mr.  Dennison  facetiously  congratulated  both  the 
father  and  the  son  :  for  my  part,  I  shook  my  new-found  cousin 
heartily  by  the  hand ;  and  Lismahago  complimented  him  with 
the  tears  in  his  eyes,  for  he  had  been  hopping  about  the  room, 
swearing  in  broad  Scotch,  and  bellowing  with  the  pain  occa- 
sioned by  the  fall  of  the  coal-scuttle  upon  his  foot.  He  had 
even  vowed  to  drive  the  saul  out  of  the  body  of  that  mad 

335 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

rascal ;  but,  perceiving  the  unexpected  turn  which  things  had 
taken,  he  Avished  him  joy  of  his  good  fortune,  observing  that 
it  went  very  near  his  heart,  as  he  was  like  to  be  a  great  toe 
out  of  pocket  by  the  discovery.  Mr.  Dennison  now  desired 
to  know  for  what  reason  my  uncle  had  changed  the  name  by 
which  he  knew  him  at  Oxford;  and  our  squire  satisfied  him, 
by  answering  to  this  effect :  "  I  took  my  mother's  name, 
which  was  Lloyd,  as  heir  to  her  lands  in  Glamorganshire ;  but, 
when  I  came  of  age,  I  sold  that  property,  in  order  to  clear  my 
paternal  estate,  and  resumed  my  real  name ;  so  that  I  am  now 
Matthew  Bramble  of  Bramblcton  Hall,  in  Monmouthshire,  at 
your  service ;  and  this  is  my  nephew,  Jeremy  Melford  of  Bel- 
field,  in  the  county  of  Glamorgan." 

At  that  instant  the  ladies  entering  the  room,  he  presented 
Mrs.  Tabitha  as  his  sister,  and  Liddy  as  his  niece.  The  old 
gentleman  saluted  them  very  cordially,  and  seemed  struck  with 
the  appearance  of  my  sister,  whom  he  could  not  help  survey- 
ing with  a  mixture  of  complacency  and  surprise.  "  Sister," 
said  my  uncle,  "  there  is  a  poor  relation  that  recommends  him- 
self to  your  good  graces.  The  quondam  Humphry  Clinker  is 
metamorphosed  into  Matthew  Lloyd,  and  claims  the  honour 
of  being  your  carnal  kinsman.  In  short,  the  rogue  proves  to 
be  a  crab  of  my  own  planting,  in  the  days  of  hot  blood  and 
unrestrained  libertinism."  Clinker  had  by  this  time  dropped 
upon  one  knee,  by  the  side  of  Mrs.  Tabitha,  who,  eyeing  him 
askance,  and  flirting  her  fan  with  marks  of  agitation,  thought 
proper,  after  some  conflict,  to  hold  out  her  hand  for  him  to 
kiss,  saying,  with  a  demure  aspect,  "  Brother,  you  have  been 
very  wicked;  but  I  hope  you'll  live  to  see  the  folly  of  your 
ways.  I  am  very  sorry  to  say,  the  young  man,  whom  you 
have  this  day  acknowledged,  has  more  grace  and  religion,  by 
the  gift  of  God,  than  you  with  all  your  profane  learning  and 
repeated  opportunity.  I  do  think  he  has  got  the  trick  of  the 
eye,  and  the  tip  of  the  nose  of  my  uncle  Lloyd  of  Flluydwellin ; 
and,  as  for  the  long  chin,  it  is  the  very  moral  of  the  governor's. 
Brother,  as  you  have  changed  his  name,  pray  change  his  dress 
also;  that  livery  doth  notHDecome  any  person  that  hath  got 
our  blood  in  his  veins." 

Liddy  seemed  much  pleased  with  this  acquisition  to  the 
family.     She  took  him  by  the  hand,  declaring  she  should  al- 

336 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

ways  be  proud  to  own  her  connexion  with  a  virtuous  young 
man,  who  had  given  so  many  proofs  of  his  gratitude  and  af- 
fection to  her  uncle.  Mrs.  Winifred  Jenkins,  extremely 
fluttered  between  her  surprise  at  this  discovery,  and  the  ap- 
prehension of  losing  her  sweetheart,  exclaimed  in  a  giggling 
tone,  "  I  wish  you  joy,  Mr.  Clinker — Floyd,  I  would  say — hi, 
hi,  hi ! — you'll  be  so  proud,  you  won't  look  at  your  poor  fellow- 
servants,  oh,  oh,  oh !  "  Honest  Clinker  owned  he  was  over- 
joyed at  his  good  fortune,  which  was  greater  than  he  deserved. 
"  But  wherefore  should  I  be  proud?  "  said  he ;  **  a  poor  object, 
conceived  in  sin,  and  brought  forth  in  iniquity,  nursed  in  a 
parish  workhouse,  and  bred  in  a  smithy.  Whenever  I  seem 
proud,  Mrs.  Jenkins,  I  beg  of  you  to  put  me  in  mind  of  the 
condition  I  was  in  when  I  first  saw  you  between  Chippenham 
and  Marlborough." 

When  this  momentous  affair  was  discussed  to  the  satisfac- 
tion of  all  parties  concerned,  the  weather  being  dry,  the  ladies 
declined  the  carriage;  so  that  we  walked  all  together  to  Mr. 
Dennison"s  house,  where  we  found  the  tea  ready  prepared  by 
his  lady,  an  amiable  matron,  who  received  us  with  all  the  bene- 
volence of  hospitality.  The  house  is  old-fashioned  and  irregu- 
lar, but  lodgable  and  commodious.  To  the  south  it  has  the 
river  in  front,  at  the  distance  of  a  hundred  paces ;  and  on  the 
north  there  is  a  rising  ground,  covered  with  an  agreeable  plan- 
tation ;  the  greens  and  walks  are  kept  in  the  nicest  order,  and 
all  is  rural  and  romantic.  I  have  not  yet  seen  the  young 
gentleman,  who  is  on  a  visit  to  a  friend  in  the  neighbourhood, 
from  whose  house  he  is  not  expected  till  to-morrow. 

In  the  meantime,  as  there  is  a  man  going  to  the  next  market 
town  with  letters  for  the  post,  I  take  this  opportunity  to  send 
you  the  history  of  this  day,  which  has  been  remarkably  full  of 
adventures;  and  you  will  own  I  give  you  them  like  a  beef- 
steak at  Dolly's,  hot  and  hot,  without  ceremony  and  parade, 
just  as  they  come  from  the  recollections  of      Yours, 

J.  Melford. 


To  Dr.  Lewis. 

Dear  Dick, — Since  the  last  trouble  I  gave  you,  I  have  met 
with  a  variety  of  incidents,  some  of  them  of  a  singular  nature, 

„  337 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

which  I  reserve  as  a  fund  for  conversation;  but  there  are 
others  so  interesting,  that  they  will  not  keep  in  petto  till  meet- 
ing. 

Kjiow  then,  it  was  a  thousand  pounds  to  a  sixpence,  that 
you  should  now  be  executing  my  will,  instead  of  perusing  my 
letter !  Two  days  ago,  our  coach  was  overturned  in  the  midst 
of  a  rapid  river,  where  my  life  was  saved  with  the  utmost 
difficulty,  by  the  courage,  activity,  and  presence  of  mind  of 
my  servant  Humphry  Clinker.  But  this  is  not  the  most  sur- 
prising circumstance  of  the  adventure.  The  said  Humphry 
Clinker  proves  to  be  Matthew  Lloyd,  natural  son  of  one 
Matthew  Lloyd  of  Glamorgan,  if  you  know  any  such  person. 
You  see,  doctor,  that  notwithstanding  all  your  philosophy,  it 
is  not  without  some  reason  that  we  Welshmen  ascribe  such 
energy  to  the  force  of  blood.  But  we  shall  discuss  the  point 
on  some  future  occasion. 

This  is  not  the  only  discovery  which  I  made  in  consequence 
of  our  disaster.  We  happened  to  be  wrecked  upon  a  friendly 
shore.  The  lord  of  the  manor  is  no  other  than  Charles  Denni- 
son,  our  fellow-rake  at  Oxford.  We  are  now  happily  housed 
with  that  gentleman,  who  has  really  attained  to  that  pitch  of 
rural  felicity  at  which  I  have  been  aspiring  these  twenty  years 
in  vain.  He  is  blessed  with  a  consort  whose  disposition  is 
suited  to  his  own  in  all  respects ;  tender,  generous,  and  benevo- 
lent. She,  moreover,  possesses  an  uncommon  share  of  under- 
standing, fortitude,  and  discretion,  and  is  admirably  qualified 
to  be  his  companion,  confidant,  counsellor,  and  coadjutrix. 
These  excellent  persons  have  an  only  son,  about  nineteen  years 
of  age,  just  such  a  youth  as  they  could  have  wished  that 
Heaven  would  bestow,  to  fill  up  the  measure  of  their  enjoy- 
ment. In  a  word,  they  know  no  other  allay  to  their  happiness, 
but  their  apprehension  and  anxiety  about  the  life  and  concerns 
of  their  beloved  object. 

Our  old  friend,  who  had  the  misfortune  to  be  a  second 
brother,  was  bred  to  the  law,  and  even  called  to  the  bar;  but 
he  did  not  find  himself  qualified  to  shine  in  that  province,  and 
had  very  little  inclination  for  his  profession.  He  disobliged 
his  father  by  marrying  for  love,  without  any  consideration  of 
fortune ;  so  that  he  had  little  or  nothing  to  depend  upon  for 
some  years  but  his  practice,  which  afforded  him  a  bare  sub- 

338 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

sistence;  and  the  prospect  of  an  increasing  family  began  to 
give  him  disturbance  and  disquiet.  In  the  meantime,  his 
father  dying,  was  succeeded  by  his  elder  brother,  a  fox-hunter 
and  a  sot,  who  neglected  his  affairs,  insulted  and  oppressed 
his  servants,  and  in  a  few  years  had  well-nigh  ruined  the 
estate,  when  he  was  happily  carried  off  by  a  fever,  the  imme- 
diate consequence  of  a  debauch.  Charles,  with  the  approba- 
tion of  his  wife,  immediately  determined  to  quit  business,  and 
retire  into  the  country,  although  this  resolution  was  strenuous- 
ly and  zealously  opposed  by  every  individual  whom  he  con- 
sulted on  the  subject.  Those  who  had  tried  the  experiment 
assured  him,  that  he  could  not  pretend  to  breathe  in  the  coun- 
try for  less  than  the  double  of  what  his  estate  produced ;  that, 
in  order  to  be  upon  the  footing  of  a  gentleman,  he  would  be 
obliged  to  keep  horses,  hounds,  carriages,  with  a  suitable  num- 
ber of  servants,  and  maintain  an  elegant  table  for  the  entertain- 
ment of  his  neighbours;  that  farming  was  a  mystery  Iftiown 
only  to  those  who  had  been  bred  up  to  it  from  the  cradle, 
the  success  of  it  depending  not  only  upon  skill  and  industry, 
but  also  upon  such  attention  and  economy  as  no  gentleman 
could  be  supposed  to  give  or  practise;  accordingly,  every  at- 
tempt made  by  gentlemen  miscarried,  and  not  a  few  had  been 
ruined  by  their  prosecution  of  agriculture.  Nay,  they  affirmed, 
that  he  would  find  it  cheaper  to  buy  hay  and  oats  for  his 
cattle,  and  to  go  to  market  for  poultry,  eggs,  kitchen  herbs, 
and  roots,  and  every  the  most  inconsiderable  article  of  house- 
keeping, than  to  have  those  articles  produced  on  his  own 
ground. 

These  objections  did  not  deter  Mr.  Dennison,  because  they 
were  chiefly  founded  upon  the  supposition  that  he  would  be 
obliged  to  lead  a  life  of  extravagance  and  dissipation,  which 
he  and  his  consort  equally  detested,  despised,  and  determined 
to  avoid.  The  objects  he  had  in  view  were,  health  of  body, 
peace  of  mind,  and  the  private  satisfaction  of  domestic  quiet, 
unallayed  by  actual  want,  and  uninterrupted  by  the  fears  of 
indigence.  He  was  very  moderate  in  his  estimate  of  the  neces- 
saries, and  even  of  the  comforts  of  life.  He  required  noth- 
ing but  wholesome  air,  pure  water,  agreeable  exercise,  plain 
diet,  convenient  lodging,  and  decent  apparel.  He  reflected 
that,  if  a  peasant,  without  education,  or  any  great  share  of 

339 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

natural  sagacity,  could  maintain  a  large  family,  and  even  be- 
come opulent,  upon  a  farm  for  which  he  paid  an  annual  rent 
of  two  or  three  hundred  pounds,  to  the  landlord,  surely  he 
himself  might  hope  for  some  success  from  his  industry,  having 
no  rent  to  pay,  but,  on  the  contrary,  three  or  four  hundred 
pounds  a  year  to  receive.  He  considered  that  the  earth  was 
an  indulgent  mother,  that  yielded  her  fruits  to  all  her  children 
without  distinction.  He  had  studied  the  theory  of  agriculture 
with  a  degree  of  eagerness  and  delight ;  and  he  could  not  con- 
ceive there  was  any  mystery  in  the  practice  but  what  he  should 
be  able  to  disclose  by  dint  of  care  and  application.  With  re- 
spect to  household  expense,  he  entered  into  a  minute  detail  and 
investigation,  by  which  he  perceived  the  assertions  of  his 
friends  were  altogether  erroneous.  He  found  he  should  save 
sixty  pounds  a  year  in  the  single  article  of  house-rent,  and  as 
much  more  in  pocket-money  and  contingencies;  that  even 
butchers'  meat  was  twenty  per  cent,  cheaper  in  the  country 
than  in  London ;  but  that  poultry,  and  almost  every  other  cir- 
cumstance of  housekeeping,  might  be  had  for  less  than  one- 
half  of  what  they  cost  in  town ;  besides  a  considerable  saving 
on  the  side  of  dress,  in  being  delivered  from  the  oppressive 
imposition  of  ridiculous  modes  invented  by  ignorance,  and 
adopted  by  folly. 

As  to  the  danger  of  vying  with  the  rich  in  pomp  and  equi- 
page, it  never  gave  him  the  least  disturbance.  He  was  now 
turned  of  forty,  and  having  lived  half  that  time  in  the  busy 
scenes  of  life,  was  well  skilled  in  the  science  of  mankind. 
There  cannot  be  in  nature  a  more  contemptible  figure  than 
that  of  a  man  who,  with  five  hundred  a  year,  presumes  to 
rival  in  expense  a  neighbour  who  possesses  five  times  that  in- 
come. His  ostentation,  far  from  concealing,  serves  only  to 
discover  his  indigence,  and  render  his  vanity  the  more  shock- 
ing ;  for  it  attracts  the  eyes  of  censure,  and  excites  *the  spirit 
of  inquiry.  There  is  not  a  family  in  the  county,  nor  a  servant 
in  his  own  house,  nor  a  farmer  in  the  parish,  but  what  knows 
the  utmost  farthing  that  his  lands  produce ;  and  all  these  be- 
hold him  with  scorn  or  compassion.  I  am  surprised  that  these 
reflections  do  not  occur  to  persons  in  this  unhappy  dilemma, 
and  produce  a  salutary  effect.  But  the  truth  is,  of  all  the 
passions  incident  to  human  natlire,  vanity  is  that  which  most 

340 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

effectually  perverts  the  faculties  of  the  understanding— nay,  it 
sometimes  becomes  so  incredibly  depraved,  as  to  aspire  at  in- 
famy, and  find  pleasure  in  bearing  the  stigmas  of  reproach. 

I  have  now  given  you  a  sketch  of  the  character  and  situa- 
tion of  Mr,  Dennison,  when  he  came  down  Lo  take  possession 
of  this  estate;  but  as  the  messenger,  who  carries  the  letters 
to  the  next  town,  is  just  setting  off,  I  shall  reserve  what  fur- 
ther I  have  to  say  on  this  subject  till  the  next  post,  when  you 
shall  certainly  hear  from  Yours  always, 

^^'-  8'  Matt.  Bramble. 


To  Dr.  Lewis. 

Once  more,  dear  Doctor,  I  resume  the  pen  for  your  amuse- 
ment. It  was  on  the  morning  after  our  arrival,  that,  walking 
out  with  my  friend  Mr.  Dennison,  I  could  not  help  breaking 
forth  into  the  warmest  expressions  of  applause  at  the  beauty 
of  the  scene,  which  is  really  enchanting;  and  I  signified,  in 
particular,  how  much  I  was  pleased  with  the  disposition  of 
some  detached  groves,  that  afforded  at  once  shelter  and  orna- 
ment to  his  habitation. 

"  When  I  took  possession  of  these  lands,  about  two-and- 
twenty  years  ago,"  said  he,  "  there  was  not  a  tree  standing 
within  a  mile  of  the  house,  except  those  of  an  old  neglected 
orchard,  which  produced  nothing  but  leaves  and  moss.  It 
was  in  the  gloomy  month  of  November  when  I  arrived,  and 
found  the  house  in  such  a  condition,  that  it  might  have  been 
justly  styled  the  tower  of  desolation.  The  court-yard  was 
covered  with  nettles  and  docks,  and  the  garden  exhibited  such 
a  rank  plantation  of  weeds  as  I  had  never  seen  before;  the 
window-shutters  were  falling  in  pieces — the  sashes  broken, 
and  owls^and  jackdaws  had  taken  possession  of  the  chimneys. 
The  prospect  within  was  still  more  dreary.  All  was  dark  and 
damp,  and  dirty  beyond  description — the  rain  penetrated  into 
several  parts  of  the  roof — in  some  apartments,  the  very  floors 
had  given  way — the  hangings  were  parted  from  the  walls,  and 
shaking  in  mouldy  remnants — the  glasses  were  dropping  out 
of  their  frames — the  family  pictures  were  covered  with  dust 
— and  all  the  chairs  and  tables  worm-eaten  and  crazy.  There 
was  not  a  bed  in  the  house  that  could  be  used,  except  one  old- 

341 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

fashioned  machine  with  a  high  gilt  tester,  and  fringed  curtains 
of  yellow  mohair,  which  had  been,  for  aught  I  know,  two 
centuries  in  the  family.  In  short,  there  was  no  furniture  but 
the  utensils  of  the  kitchen ;  and  the  cellar  afforded  nothing  but 
a  few  empty  butts  and  barrels,  that  stunk  so  abominably,  that  I 
would  not  suffer  anybody  to  enter  it,  until  I  had  flashed  a 
considerable  quantity  of  gunpowder  to  qualify  the  foul  air 
within. 

"  An  old  cottager  and  his  wife,  who  were  hired  to  lie  in  the 
house,  had  left  it  with  precipitation,  alleging,  among  other 
causes  of  retreat,  that  they  could  not  sleep  for  frightful  noises, 
and  that  my  poor  brother  certainly  walked  after  his  death. 
In  a  word,  the  house  appeared  uninhabitable ;  the  barn,  stable, 
and  outhouses  were  in  ruins,  all  the  fences  broken  down,  and 
the  fields  lying  waste. 

'*  The  farmer  who  kept  the  key,  never  dreamed  I  had  any 
intention  to  live  upon  the  spot.  He  rented  a  farm  of  sixty 
pounds,  and  his  lease  was  just  expiring.  He  had  formed  a 
scheme  of  being  appointed  bailiff  to  the  estate,  and  of  con- 
verting the  house  and  the  adjacent  grounds  to  his  own  use.  A 
hint  of  his  intention  I  received  from  the  curate  at  my  first 
arrival ;  I  therefore  did  not  pay  much  regard  to  what  he  said 
by  way  of  discouraging  me  from  coming  to  settle  in  the  coun- 
try ;  but  I  was  a  little  startled  when  he  gave  me  warning,  that 
he  should  quit  the  farm  at  the  expiration  of  his  lease,  unless 
I  would  abate  considerably  in  the  rent. 

'■  At  this  period  I  accidentally  became  acquainted  with  a 
person,  whose  friendship  laid  the  foundation  of  all  my  pros- 
perity. In  the  next  market  town,  I  chanced  to  dine  at  an  inn 
with  a  Mr.  Wilson,  who  was  lately  come  to  settle  in  the  neigh- 
bourhood. He  had  been  lieutenant  of  a  man-of-war;  but 
quitted  the  sea  in  some  disgust,  and  married  the  only  daughter 
of  farmer  Bland,  who  lives  in  this  parish,  and  has  acquired  a 
good  fortune  in  the  way  of  husbandry.  Wilson  is  one  of  the 
best-natured  men  I  ever  knew ;  brave,  frank,  obliging,  and  in- 
genuous. He  liked  my  conversation ;  I  was  charmed  with  his 
liberal  manner.  An  acquaintance  immediately  commenced, 
and  this  was  soon  improved  into  a  friendship  without  reserve. 
There  are  characters,  which,  like  similar  particles  of  matter, 
strongly  attract  each  other.    He  forthwith  introduced  me  to 

342 


•  HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

his  father-in-law,  farmer  Bland,  who  was  well  acquainted  with 
every  acre  of  my  estate,  of  consequence  well  qualified  to  advise 
me  on  this  occasion.  Finding  I  was  inclined  to  embrace  a 
country  life,  and  even  to  amuse  myself  with  the  occupations 
of  farming,  he  approved  of  my  design.  He  gave  me  to  under- 
stand that  all  my  farms  were  underlet;  that  the  estate  was 
capable  of  great  improvement ;  that  there  was  plenty  of  chalk 
in  the  neighbourhood ;  and  that  my  own  ground  produced  ex- 
cellent marl  for  manure.  With  respect  to  the  farm,  which  was 
like  to  fall  into  my  hands,  he  said  he  would  willingly  take  it 
at  the  present  rent;  but  at  the  same  time,  owned,  that  if  I 
would  expend  two  hundred  pounds  in  enclosures,  it  would  be 
worth  more  than  double  the  sum. 

"  Thus  encouraged,  I  began  the  execution  of  my  scheme 
without  further  delay,  and  plunged  into  a  sea  of  expense, 
though  I  had  no  fund  in  reserve,  and  the  whole  produce  of 
the  estate  did  not  exceed  three  hundred  pounds  a  year.  In  one 
week  my  house  was  made  weather-tight,  and  thoroughly 
cleansed  from  top  to  bottom ;  then  it  was  well  ventilated,  by 
throwing  all  the  doors  and  windows  open,  and  making  blazing 
fires  of  wood  in  every  chimney  from  the  kitchen  to  the  gar- 
rets. The  floors  were  repaired,  the  sashes  new  glazed,  and, 
out  of  the  old  furniture  of  the  whole  house,  I  made  shift  to 
fit  up  a  parlour  and  three  chambers,  in  a  plain,  yet  decent  man- 
ner. The  court-yard  was  cleared  of  weeds  and  rubbish,  and 
my  friend  Wilson  charged  himself  with  the  dressing  of  the 
garden.  Bricklayers  were  set  at  work  upon  the  barn  and 
stable ;  and  labourers  engaged  to  restore  the  fences,  and  begin 
the  work  of  hedging  and  ditching,  under  the  direction  of 
fanner  Bland,  at  whose  recommendation  I  hired  a  careful  hind 
to  lie  in  the  house,  and  keep  constant  fires  in  the  apartments. 

"Having  taken  these  measures,  I  returned  to  London, 
where  I  forthwith  sold  off  my  household  furniture,  and  in 
three  weeks  from  my  first  visit,  brought  my  wife  hither  to 
keep  her  Christmas.  Considering  the  gloomy  season  of  the 
year,  the  dreariness  of  the  place,  and  the  decayed  aspect  of  our 
habitation,  I  was  afraid  that  her  resolution  would  sink  under 
the  sudden  transition  from  a  town  life  to  such  a  melancholy 
state  of  rustication;  but  I  was  agreeably  disappointed.  She 
found  the  reality  less  uncomfortable  than  the  picture  I  had 

343 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

drawn.  By  this  time,  indeed,  things  were  mended  in  appear- 
ance. The  outhouses  had  risen  out  of  their  ruins ;  the  pigeon- 
house  was  rebuilt,  and  replenished  by  Wilson,  who  also  put  my 
garden  in  decent  order,  and  provided  a  good  stock  of  poultry, 
which  made  an  agreeable  figure  in  my  yard ;  and  the  house,  on 
the  whole,  looked  like  the  habitation  of  human  creatures. 
Farmer  Bland  spared  me  a  milch  cow  for  my  family,  and  an 
ordinary  saddle-horse  for  my  servant  to  go  to  market  at  the 
next  town.  I  hired  a  country  lad  for  a  footman;  the  hind's 
daughter  was  my  housemaid;  and  my  wife  had  brought  a 
cook-maid  from  London. 

"  Such  was  my  family  when  I  began  housekeeping  in  this 
place,  with  three  hundred  pounds  in  my  pocket,  raised  from 
the  sale  of  my  superfluous  furniture.  I  knew  we  should  find 
occupation  enough  through  the  day  to  employ  our  time;  but 
I  dreaded  the  long  winter  evenings ;  yet  for  these  too  we  found 
a  remedy.  The  curate,  who  was  a  single  man,  soon  became  so 
naturalised  to  the  family,  that  he  generally  lay  in  the  house, 
and  his  company  was  equally  agreeable  and  useful.  He  was 
a  modest  man,  a  good  scholar,  and  perfectly  well  qualified  to 
instruct  me  in  such  country  matters  as  I  wanted  to  knew.  Mr. 
Wilson  brought  his  wife  to  see  us,  and  she  became  so  fond 
of  Mrs.  Dennison,  that  she  said  she  was  never  so  happy  as 
when  she  enjoyed  the  benefit  of  her  conversation.  She  was 
then  a  fine  buxom  country  lass,  exceedingly  docile,  and  as 
good-natured  as  her  husband  Jack  Wilson ;  so  that  a  friend- 
ship ensued  among  the  women,  which  hath  continued  to  this 
day. 

"  As  for  Jack,  he  hath  been  my  constant  companion,  coun- 
sellor, and  commissary,  I  would  not  for  a  hundred  pounds 
you  should  leave  my  house  without  seeing  him ; — ^Jack  is  an 
universal  genius — his  talents  are  really  astonishing.  He  is 
an  excellent  carpenter,  joiner,  and  turner,  and  a  cunning  artist 
in  iron  and  brass.  He  not  only  superintended  my  economy, 
but  also  presided  over  my  pastimes.  He  taught  me  to  brew 
beer,  to  make  cider,  perry,  mead,  usquebaugh,  and  plague- 
water;  to  cook  several  outlandish  delicacies,  such  as  ollas, 
pepperpnts,  pillaws,  corys,  chahohs,  and  stuffatas.  He  under- 
stands all  manner  of  games,  from  chess  down  to  chuck-far- 
thing, sings  a  good  song,  plays  upon  the  violin,  and  dances  a 

344 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

hornpipe  with  surprising  agiUty.  He  and  I  walked,  and  rode, 
and  hunted,  and  fished  together,  without  minding  the  vicissi- 
tudes of  the  weather ;  and  I  am  persuaded,  that  in  a  raw,  moist 
dimate,  Hke  this  of  England,  continual  exercise  is  as  neces- 
sary as  food  to  the  preservation  of  the  individual.  In  the 
course  of  two-and-twenty  years,  there  has  not  been  one  hour's 
interruption  or  abatement  in  the  friendship  subsisting  between 
Wilson's  family  and  mine ;  and,  what  is  a  rare  instance  of  good 
fortune,  that  friendship  is  continued  to  our  children.  His 
son  and  mine  are  nearly  of  the  same  age  and  the  same  disposi- 
tion ;  they  have  been  bred  up  together  at  the  same  school  and 
college,  and  love  each  other  with  the  warmest  aflfection. 

"  By  Wilson's  means,  I  likewise  formed  an  acquaintance 
with  a  sensible  physician,  who  lives  in  the  next  market  town ; 
and  his  sister,  an  agreeable  old  maiden,  passed  the  Christmas 
holidays  at  our  house.  Meanwhile  I  began  my  farming  with 
great  eagerness,  and  that  very  winter  planted  these  groves 
that  please  you  so  much.  As  for  the  neighbouring  gentry,  I 
had  no  trouble  from  that  quarter  during  my  first  campaign; 
they  were  all  gone  to  town  before  I  had  settled  in  the  country ; 
and  by  the  summer,  I  had  taken  measures  to  defend  myself 
from  their  attacks.  When  a  gay  equipage  came  to  my  gates,  I 
was  never  at  home;  those  who  visited  me  in  a  modest  way,  I 
received  ;  and  according  to  the  remarks  I  made  on  their  char- 
acters and  conversation,  either  rejected  their  advances  or  re- 
turned their  civility.  I  was  in  general  despised  among  the 
fashionable  company,  as  a  low  fellow,  both  in  breeding  and 
circumstances;  nevertheless,  I  found  a  few  individuals  of 
moderate  fortune,  who  gladly  adopted  my  style  of  living ;  and 
many  others  would  have  acceded  to  our  society,  had  they  not 
been  prevented  by  the  pride,  envy,  and  ambition  of  their  wives 
and  daughters.  Those,  in  times  of  luxury  and  dissipation,  are 
the  rocks  upon  which  all  the  small  estates  in  the  country  are 
wrecked. 

'*  I  reserved  in  my  own  hands  some  acres  of  ground  adja- 
cent to  the  house,  for  making  experiments  in  agriculture,  ac- 
cording to  the  directions  of  Lyle,  Tull,  Hart,  Duhamel,  and 
others,  who  have  written  on  this  subject;  and  qualified  their 
theory  with  the  practical  observations  of  farmer  Bland,  who 
was  my  great  master  in  the  art  of  husbandry.     In  short,  I 

345 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

became  enamoured  of  a  country  life;  and  my  success  greatly 
exceeded  my  expectation.  I  drained  bogs,  burned  heath, 
grubbed  up  furze  and  fern ;  I  planted  copse  and  willows  where 
nothing  else  would  grow ;  I  gradually  enclosed  all  my  farms, 
and  made  such  improvements,  that  my  estate  now  yields  me 
clear  twelve  hundred  pounds  a  year.  All  this  time  my  wife 
and  I  have  enjoyed  uninterrupted  health,  and  a  regular  flow 
of  spirits,  except  on  a  very  few  occasion's,  when  our  cheerful- 
ness was  invaded  by  such  accidents  as  are  inseparable  from 
the  condition  of  life.  I  lost  two  children  in  their  infancy,  by 
the  smallpox,  so  that  I  have  one  son  only,  in  whom  all  our 
hopes  are  centered.  He  went  yesterday  to  visit  a  friend,  with 
whom  he  has  stayed  all  night,  but  he  will  be  here  to  dinner. 
I  shall  this  day  have  the  pleasure  of  presenting  him  to  you  and 
your  family;  and  I  flatter  myself  you  will  find  him  not  alto- 
gether unworthy  of  your  affection. 

"  The  truth  is,  either  I  am  blinded  by  the  partiality  of  a 
parent,  or  he  is  a  boy  of  very  amiable  character ;  and  yet  his 
conduct  has  given  us  unspeakable  disquiet.  You  must  know, 
we  had  projected  a  match  between  him  and  a  gentleman's 
daughter  in  the  next  county,  who  will  in  all  probability  be 
heiress  of  a  considerable  fortune ;  but  it  seems,  he  had  a  per- 
sonal disgust  to  the  alliance.  He  was  then  at  Cambridge,  and 
tried  to  gain  time  on  various  pretences;  but  being  pressed  in 
letters,  by  his  mother  and  me,  to  give  a  definitive  answer,  he 
fairly  gave  his  tutor  the  slip,  and  disappeared  about  eight 
months  ago.  Before  he  took  this  rash  step,  he  wrote  me  a 
letter,  explaining  his  objections  to  the  match,  and  declaring 
that  he  would  keep  himself  concealed  until  he  should  under- 
stand that  his  parents  would  dispense  with  his  contracting  an 
engagement  that  must  make  him  miserable  for  life;  and  he 
prescribed  the  form  of  advertising  in  a  certain  newspaper,  by 
which  he  might  be  apprised  of  our  sentiments  on  this  sub- 
ject. 

"  You  may  easily  conceive  how  much  we  were  alarmed  and 
afflicted  by  this  elopement,  which  he  had  made  without  drop- 
ping the  least  hint  to  his  companion  Charles  Wilson,  who  be- 
longed to  the  same  college.  We  resolved  to  punish  him  with 
the  appearance  of  neglect,  in  hopes  that  he  would  return  of  his 
own  accord ;  but  he  maintained  his  purpose  till  the  young  lady 

346 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

chose  a  partner  for  herself;  then  he  produced  himself,  and 
made  his  peace  by  the  mediation  of  Wilson.  Suppose  we 
should  unite  our  families  by  joining  him  with  your  niece,  who 
is  one  of  the  most  lovely  creatures  I  ever  beheld.  My  wife  is 
already  as  fond  of  her  as  if  she  were  her  own  child,  and  I 
have  a  presentiment  that  my  son  will  be  captivated  by  her  at 
first  sight." — "  Nothing  could  be  more  agreeable  to  all  our 
family,"  said  I,  "than  such  an  alliance;  but,  my  dear  friend, 
candour  obliges  me  to  tell  you  that  I  am  afraid  Liddy's  heart 
is  not  wholly  disengaged.  There  is  a  cursed  obstacle"— 
"  You  mean  the  young  stroller  at  Gloucester,"  said  he.  "  You 
are  surprised  that  I  should  know  this  circumstance;  but  you 
will  be  more  surprised  when  I  tell  you  that  stroller  is  no  other 
than  my  son  George  Dennison ;  that  was  the  character  he  as- 
sumed in  his  eclipse."—"  I  am,  indeed,  astonished  and  over- 
joyed," cried  I,  "  and  shall  be  happy  beyond  expression  to  see 
your  proposal  take  effect." 

He  then  gave  me  to  understand,  that  the  young  gentleman, 
at  his  emerging  from  concealment,  had  disclosed  his  passion 
for  Miss  Melford,  the  niece  of  Mr.  Bramble  of  Monmouth- 
shire. Though  Mr.  Dennison  little  dreamed  that  this  was  his 
old  friend  Matthew  Lloyd,  he  nevertheless  furnished  his  son 
with  proper  credentials:  and  he  had  been  at  Bath,  London, 
and  many  other  places  in  quest  of  us,  to  make  himself  and 
his  pretensions  known.  The  bad  success  of  his  inquiry  had 
such  an  effect  upon  his  spirits,  that  immediately  at  his  return, 
he  was  seized  with  a  dangerous  fever,  which  overwhelmed  his 
parents  with  terror  and  affliction;  but  he  is  now  happily  re- 
covered, though  still  weak  and  disconsolate.  My  nephew  join- 
ing us  in  our  walk,  I  informed  him  of  these  circumstances, 
with  which  he  was  wonderfully  pleased.  He  declared  he 
would  promote  the  match  to  the  utmost  of  his.  power,  and  that 
he  longed  to  embrace  young  Mr.  Dennison  as  his  friend  and 
brother.  Meanwhile,  the  father  went  to  desire  his  wife  to 
communicate  this  discovery  gradually  to  Liddy,  that  her  deli- 
cate nerves  might  not  suffer  too  sudden  a  shock;  and  I  im- 
parted the  particulars  to  my  sister  Tabby,  who  expressed  some 
surprise,  not  altogether  unmixed,  I  believe,  with  an  emotion 
of  envy ;  for,  though  she  could  have  no  objection  to  an  alliance 
at  once  so  honourable  and  advantageous,  she  hesitated  in  giv- 

347 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

ing  her  consent  on  pretence  of  the  youth  and  inexperience  of 
the  parties :  at  length,  however,  she  acquiesced,  in  consequence 
of  having  consulted  with  Captain  Lismahago. 

Mr.  Dennison  took  care  to  be  in  the  way  when  his  son  ar- 
rived at  the  gate,  and  without  giving  him  time  or  opportunity 
to  make  any  inquiry  about  the  strangers,  brought  him  up- 
stairs to  be  presented  to  Mr.  Lloyd  and  his  family.  The  first 
person  he  saw  when  he  entered  the  room  was  Liddy,  who, 
notwithstanding  all  her  preparation,  stood  trembling  in  the 
utmost  confusion.  At  sight  of  this  object,  he  was  fixed  mo- 
tionless to  the  floor,  and,  gazing  at  her  with  the  utmost  eager- 
ness of  astonishment,  exclaimed,  "  Sacred  heaven !  what  is 
this ! — ha ! — wherefore  " —  Here  his  speech  failing,  he  stood 
straining  his  eyes,  in  the  most  emphatic  silence.  "  George," 
said  his  father,  "  this  is  my  friend  Mr.  Lloyd."  Roused  at 
this  intimation,  he  turned  and  received  my  salute,  when  I  said, 
"  Young  gentleman,  if  you  had  trusted  me  with  your  secret 
at  our  last  meeting,  we  should  have  parted  upon  better  terms." 
Before  he  could  make  any  answer,  Jerry  came  round  and 
stood  before  him  with  open  arms.  At  first,  he  started  and 
changed  colour;  but,  after  a  short  pause,  he  rushed  into  his 
embrace,  and  they  hugged  one  another  as  if  they  had  been 
intimate  friends  from  their  infancy.  Then  he  paid  his  respects 
to  Mrs.  Tabitha,  and  advancing  to  Liddy,  "  Is  it  possible," 
cried  he,  "  that  my  senses  do  not  play  me  false !  that  I  see 
Miss  Melford  under  my  father's  roof !  that  I  am  permitted  to 
speak  to  her  without  giving  offence!  and  that  her  relations 
have  honoured  me  with  their  countenance  and  protection  ?  " 
Liddy  blushed,  and  trembled,  and  faltered :  "  To  be  sure, 
sir,"  said  she,  "  it  is  a  very  surprising  circumstance — a  great — 
a  providential — I  really  know  not  what  I  say,  but  I  beg  you 
will  think  I  have  said  what's  agreeable." 

Mrs.  Dennison  interposing,  said,  "  Compose  yourselves,  my 
dear  children;  your  mutual  happiness  shall  be  our  peculiar 
care,"  The  son  going  up  to  his  mother,  kissed  one  hand ;  my 
niece  bathed  the  other  with  her  tears ;  and  the  good  old  lady 
pressed  them  both  in  their  turns  to  her  breast.  The  lovers 
were  too  much  affected  to  get  rid  of  their  embarrassment  for 
one  day ;  but  the  scene  was  much  enlivened  by  the  arrival  of 
Jack  Wilson,  who  brought,  as  usual,  some  game  of  his  own 

348 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

killing.  His  honest  countenance  was  a  good  letter  of  recom- 
mendation. I  received  him  like  a  dear  friend  after  a  long 
separation ;  and  I  could  not  help  wondering  to  see  him  shake 
Jerry  by  the  hand  as  an  old  acquaintance.  They  had,  indeed, 
been  acquainted  some  days,  in  consequence  of  a  diverting  in- 
cident, which  I  shall  explain  at  meeting.  That  same  night 
a  consultation  was  held  upon  the  concerns  of  the  lovers,  when 
the  match  was  formally  agreed  to,  and  all  the  marriage  articles 
were  settled  without  the  least  dispute.  My  nephew  and  I 
promised  to  make  Liddy's  fortune  five  thousand  pounds.  Mr. 
Dennison  declared,  he  would  make  over  one-half  of  his  estate 
immediately  to  his  son,  and  that  his  daughter-in-law  should 
be  secured  in  a  jointure  of  four  hundred.  Tabby  proposed, 
that,  considering  their  youth,  they  should  undergo  one  year 
at  least  of  probation,  before  the  indissoluble  knot  should  be 
tied ;  but  the  young  gentleman  being  very  impatient  and  im- 
portunate, and  the  scheme  implying  that  the  young  couple 
should  live  in  the  house  under  the  wings  of  his  parents,  we 
resolved  to  make  them  happy  without  farther  delay. 

As  the  law  requires  that  the  parties  should  be  some  weeks 
resident  in  the  parish,  we  shall  stay  here  till  the  ceremony  is 
performed.  Mr.  Lismahago  requests  that  he  may  take  the 
benefit  of  the  same  occasion;  so  that  next  Sunday  the  banns 
will  be  published  for  all  four  together.  I  doubt  I  shall  not  be 
able  to  pass  my  Christmas  with  you  at  Brambleton  Hall.  In- 
deed, I  am  so  agreeably  situated  in  this  place,  that  I  have  no 
desire  to  shift  my  quarters;  and  I  foresee,  that  when  the  day  of 
separation  comes,  there  will  be  abundance  of  sorrow  on  all 
sides.  In  the  meantime,  we  must  make  the  most  of  those 
blessings  which  Heaven  bestows.  Considering  how  you  are 
tethered  by  your  profession,  I  cannot  hope  to  see  you  so  far 
from  home ;  yet  the  distance  does  not  exceed  a  summer  day's 
journey,  and  Charles  Dennison,  who  desires  to  be  remembered 
to  you,  would  be  rejoiced  to  see  his  old  compotator;  but,  as 
I  am  now  stationary,  I  expect  regular  answers  to  the  epistles 
of,  Yours  invariably, 

October  ii.  Matt.  Bramble. 


To  Sir  Watkin  Phillips,  Bart,  at  Oxon. 
Dear  Wat, — Every  day  is  now  big  with  incident  and  dis- 

349 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

covery.  Young  Mr.  Dennison  proves  to  be  no  other  than  that 
identical  person  whom  I  have  execrated  so  long  under  the 
name  of  Wilson,  He  had  eloped  from  college  at  Cambridge, 
to  avoid  a  match  that  he  detested,  and  acted  in  different  parts 
of  the  country  as  a  stroller,  until  the  lady  in  question  made 
choice  of  a  husband  for  herself ;  then  he  returned  to  his  father, 
and  disclosed  his  passion  for  Liddy,  which  met  with  the  ap- 
probation of  his  parents,  though  the  father  little  imagined  that 
Mr.  Bramble  was  his  old  companion  Matthew  Lloyd.  The 
young  gentleman  being  empowered  to  make  honourable  pro- 
posals to  my  uncle  and  me,  had  been  in  search  of  us  all  over 
England  without  effect ;  and  he  it  was  whom  I  had  seen  pass 
on  horseback  by  the  window  of  the  inn,  where  I  stood  with  my 
sister,  but  he  little  dreamed  that  we  were  in  the  house.  As 
for  the  real  Mr.  Wilson,  whom  I  called  forth  to  combat,  by 
mistake,  he  is  the  neighbour  and  intimate  friend  of  old  Mr. 
Dennison,  and  this  connexion  had  suggested  to  the  son  the 
idea  of  taking  that  name  while  he  remained  in  obscurity. 

You  may  easily  conceive  what  pleasure  I  must  have  felt  on 
discovering  that  the  honour  of  our  family  was  in  no  danger 
from  the  conduct  of  a  sister  whom  I  love  with  uncommon 
affection;  that,  instead  of  debasing  her  sentiments  and  views 
to  a  wretched  stroller,  she  had  really  captivated  the  heart  of  a 
gentleman,  her  equal  in  rank  and  superior  in  fortune;  and 
that,  as  his  parents  approved  of  his  attachment,  I  was  on  the 
eve  of  acquiring  a  brother-in-law  so  worthy  of  my  friendship 
and  esteem.  George  Dennison  is,  without  all  question,  one  of 
the  most  accomplished  young  fellows  in  England.  His  person 
is  at  once  elegant  and  manly,  and  his  understanding  highly 
cultivated.  Though  his  spirit  is  lofty,  his  heart  is  kind;  and 
his  manner  so  engaging,  as  to  command  veneration  and  love, 
even  from  malice  and  indifference.  When  I  weigh  my  own 
character  with  his,  I  am  ashamed  to  find  myself  so  light  in  the 
balance;  but  the  comparison  excites  no  envy — I  propose  him 
as  a  model  for  imitation — I  ha"^re  endeavoured  to  recommend 
myself  to  his  friendship,  and  hope  I  have  already  found  a 
place  in  his  affection.  I  am,  however,  mortified  to  reflect  what 
flagrant  injustice  we  every  day  commit,  and  what  absurd  judg- 
ment we  form,  in  viewing  objects  through  the  falsifying  me- 
dium of  prejudice  and  passion.     Had  you  asked  me  a  few 

350 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

days  ago  the  picture  of  Wilson  the  player,  I  should  have 
drawn  a  portrait  very  unlike  the  real  person  and  character  of 
George  Dennison.  Without  all  doubt,  the  greatest  advantage 
acquired  in  travelling  and  perusing  mankind  in  the  original, 
is  that  of  dispelling  those  shameful  clouds  that  darken  the 
faculties  of  the  mind,  preventing  it  from  judging  with  can- 
dour and  precision. 

The  real  Wilson  is  a  great  original,  and  the  best-tempered 
companionable  man  i  ever  knew.  I  question  if  ever  he  was 
angry  or  low-spirited  in  his  life.  He  makes  no  pretensions  to 
letters ;  but  he  is  an  adept  in  everything  else  that  can  be  either 
useful  or  entertaining.  Among  other  qualifications,  he  is  a 
complete  sportsman,  and  counted  the  best  shot  in  the  county. 
He  and  Dennison,  and  Lismahago  and  I,  attended  by  Clinker, 
went  a-shooting  yesterday,  and  made  great  havoc  among  the 
partridges.  To-morrow  we  shall  take  the  field  against  the 
woodcocks  and  snipes.  In  the  evening  we  dance  and  sing,  or 
play  at  commerce,  loo,  and  quadrille. 

Mr.  Dennison  is  an  elegant  poet,  and  has  written  some  de- 
tached pieces  on  the  subject  of  his  passion  for  Liddy,  which 
must  be  very  flattering  to  the  vanity  of  a  young  woman.  Per- 
haps he  is  one  of  the  greatest  theatrical  geniuses  that  ever  ap- 
peared. He  sometimes  entertains  us  with  reciting  favourite 
speeches  from  our  best  plays.  We  are  resolved  to  convert  the 
great  hall  into  a  theatre,  and  get  up  the  Beaux'  Stratagem 
without  delay.  I  think  I  shall  make  no  contemptible  figure  in 
the  character  of  Scrub;  and  Lismahago  will  be  very  great  in 
Captain  Gibbet.  Wilson  undertakes  to  entertain  the  country 
people  with  Harlequin  Skeleton,  for  which  he  has  got  a  jacket 
ready  painted  with  his  own  hand. 

Our  society  is  really  enchanting.  Even  the  severity  of  Lis- 
mahago relaxes,  and  the  vinegar  of  Mrs.  Tabby  is  remarkably 
dulcified  ever  since  it  was  agreed  that  she  should  take  the 
precedency  of  her  niece  in  being  first  noosed.  For,  you  must 
know,  the  day  is  fixed  for  Liddy's  marriage;  and  the  banns 
for  both  couples  have  been  already  once  published  in  the 
parish  church.  The  captain  earnestly  begged  that  one  trouble 
might  serve  for  all,  and  Tabitha  assented  with  a  vile  affecta- 
tion of  reluctance.  Her  inamorato,  who  came  hither  very 
slenderly  equipped,  has  sent  for  his  baggage  to  London,  which, 

351 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

in  all  probability,  will  not  arrive  in  time  for  the  wedding ;  but 
it  is  of  no  great  consequence,  as  everything  is  to  be  transacted 
with  the  utmost  privacy.  Meanwhile,  directions  are  given  for 
making  out  the  contracts  of  marriage,  which  are  very  favour- 
able for  both  females.  Eiddy  will  be  secured  in  a  good  join- 
ture; and  her  aunt  will  remain  mistress  of  her  own  fortune, 
except  one-half  of  the  interest,  which  her  husband  shall  have 
a  right  to  enjoy  for  his  natural  life.  I  think  this  is  as  little  in 
conscience  as  can  be  done  for  a  man  who  yokes  with  such  a 
partner  for  life. 

These  expectants  seem  to  be  so  happy,  that  if  Mr.  Dennison 
had  an  agreeable  daughter,  I  believe  I  should  be  for  making 
the  third  couple  in  this  country  dance.  The  humour  seems  to 
be  infectious ;  for  Clinker,  alias  Lloyd,  has  a  month's  mind  to 
play  the  fool  in  the  same  fashion  with  Mrs.  Winifred  Jenkins. 
He  has  even  sounded  me  on  the  subject ;  but  I  have  given  him 
no  encouragement  to  prosecute  this  scheme.  I  told  him  I 
thought  he  might  do  better,  as  there  was  no  engagement  nor 
promise  subsisting;  that  I  did  not  know  what  designs  my 
uncle  might  have  formed  for  his  advantage;  but  I  was  of 
opinion,  that  he  should  not  at  present  run  the  risk  of  disoblig- 
ing him  by  any  premature  application  of  this  nature.  Honest 
Humphry  protested,  he  would  suffer  death  sooner  than  say  or 
do  anything  that  should  give  offence  to  the  squire;  but  he 
owned  he  had  a  kindness  for  the  young  woman,  and  had  rea- 
son to  think  she  looked  upon  him  with  a  favourable  eye ;  that 
he  considered  this  mutual  manifestation  of  goodwill  as  an  en- 
gagement understood,  which  ought  to  be  binding  to  the  con- 
science of  an  honest  man ;  and  he  hoped  the  squire  and  I  would 
be  of  the  same  opinion,  when  we  should  be  at  leisure  to  bestow 
any  thought  about  the  matter.  I  believe  he  is  in  the  right : 
and  we  shall  find  time  to  take  his  case  into  consideration.  You 
see  we  are  fixed  for  some  weeks  at  least ;  and  as  you  have  had 
a  long  respite,  I  hope  you  will  begin  immediately  to  discharge 
the  arrears  due  to  your  affectionate  J.  Melford. 

October  14. 

To  Miss  L^titia  Willis,  at  Gloucester. 
My  dear,  dear  Letty, — Never  did  I  sit  down  to  write  in 
such  agitation  as  I  now  feel.    In  the  course  of  a  few  days,  we 

352 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

have  met  with  a  number  of  incidents  so  wonderful  and  inter- 
esting, that  all  my  ideas  are  thrown  into  confusion  and  per- 
plexity. You  must  not  expect  either  method  or  coherence  in 
what  I  am  going  to  relate,  my  dearest  Willis.  Since  my  last, 
the  aspect  of  affairs  is  totally  changed ! — and  so  changed !  but 
I  would  fain  give  you  a  regular  detail.  In  passing  a  river, 
about  eight  days  ago,  our  coach  was  overturned,  and  some  of 
us  narrowly  escaped  with  life.  My  uncle  had  well-nigh  per- 
ished. O  Heaven,  I  cannot  reflect  upon  that  circumstance 
without  horror.  I  should  have  lost  my  best  friend,  my  father 
and  protector,  but  for  the  resolution  and  activity  of  his  servant 
Humphry  Clinker,  whom  Providence  really  seems  to  have 
placed  near  him  for  the  necessity  of  this  occasion.  I  would 
not  be  thought  superstitious;  but  surely  he  acted  from  a 
stronger  impulse  than  common  fidelity.  Was  it  not  the  voice 
of  nature  that  loudly  called  upon  him  to  save  the  life  of  his 
own  father? — for,  O  Letty,  it  was  discovered  that  Humphry 
Clinker  was  my  uncle's  natural  son. 

Almost  at  the  same  instant,  a  gentleman,  who  came  to  offer 
us  his  assistance,  and  invite  us  to  his  house,  turned  out  to  be 
a  very  old  friend  of  Mr.  Bramble.  His  name  is  Mr.  Dennison. 
one  of  the  worthiest  men  living,  and  his  lady  is  a  perfect  saint 
upon  earth.  They  have  an  only  son ;  who  do  you  think  is  this 
only  son  ?  O  Letty !  O  gracious  Heaven !  how  my  heart 
palpitates,  when  I  tell  you,  that  this  only  son  of  Mr.  Dennison, 
is  that  very  identical  youth,  who,  under  the  name  of  Wilson, 
has  made  such  ravage  in  my  heart !  Yes,  my  dear  friend ! 
W^ilson  and  I  are  now  lodged  in  the  same  house,  and  converse 
together  freely.  His  father  approves  of  his  sentiments  in  my 
favour;  his  mother  loves  me  with  all  the  tenderness  of  a 
parent ;  my  uncle,  my  aunt,  and  my  brother,  no  longer  oppose 
my  inclinations ;  on  the  contrary,  they  have  agreed  to  make  us 
happy  without  delay,  and,  in  three  weeks  or  a  month,  if  no  un- 
foreseen accident  intervenes,  your  friend  Lydia  Melford  will 
have  changed  her  name  and  condition.  I  say,  if  no  accident 
intervenes,  because  such  a  torrent  of  success  makes  me  trem- 
ble !  I  wish  there  may  not  be  something  treacherous  in  this 
sudden  reconciliation  of  fortune ;  I  have  no  merit,  I  have  no 
title  to  such  felicity!     Far  from  enjoying  the  prospect  that 


23 


353 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

lies  before  me,  my  mind  is  harassed  with  a  continued  tumult, 
made  up  of  hopes  and  wishes,  doubts  and  apprehensions.  I 
can  neither  eat  nor  sleep,  and  my  spirits  are  in  perpetual 
flutter.  I  more  than  ever  feel  that  vacancy  in  my  heart,  which 
your  presence  alone  can  fill.  The  mind,  in  every  disquiet, 
seeks  to  repose  itself  on  the  bosom  of  a  friend;  and  this  is 
such  a  trial  as  I  really  know  not  how  to  support  without  your 
company  and  counsel ;  1  must  therefore,  dear  Letty,  put  your 
friendship  to  the  test.  I  must  beg  you  will  come  and  do  the 
last  oflfices  of  maidenhood  to  your  companion  Lydia  Melford. 

This  letter  goes  enclosed  in  one  to  our  worthy  governess, 
from  Mrs.  Dennison,  entreating  her  to  interpose  with  your 
mamma,  that  you  may  be  allowed  to  favour  us  with  your 
company  on  this  occasion ;  and  I  flatter  myself  that  no  material 
objection  can  be  made  to  our  request.  The  distance  from 
hence  to  Gloucester  does  not  exceed  one  hundred  miles,  and 
the  roads  are  good.  Mr.  Clinker,  alias  Lloyd,  shall  be  sent 
over  to  attend  your  motions.  If  you  step  into  the  post-chaise, 
with  your  maid  Betty  Barker,  at  seven  in  the  morning,  you 
will  arrive  by  four  in  the  afternoon  at  the  half-way  house, 
where  there  is  good  accommodation.  There  you  shall  be  met 
by  my  brother  and  myself,  who  will  next  day  conduct  you  to 
this  place,  where  I  am  sure  you  will  find  yourself  perfectly  at 
your  ease  in  the  midst  of  an  agreeable  society.  Dear  Letty, 
I  will  take  no  refusal;  if  you  have  any  friendship,  any  hu- 
manity, you  will  come.  I  desire  that  immediate  application 
may  be  made  to  your  mamma,  and  that  the  moment  her  per- 
mission is  obtained,  you  will  apprise      Your  ever  faithful 

Oct.  14.  Lydia  Melford. 

To  Mrs.  Jermyn,  at  her  house  in  Gloucester. 

Dear  Madam, — Though  I  am  not  so  fortunate  as  to  be  fa- 
voured with  an  answer  to  the  letter  with  which  I  troubled  you 
in  the  spring,  I  still  flatter  myself  that  you  retain  some  regard 
for  me  and  my  concerns.  I  am  sure  the  care  and  tenderness 
with  which  I  was  treated,  under  your  roof  and  tuition,  de- 
mand the  warmest  returns  of  gratitude  and  aflfection  on  my 
part,  and  these  sentiments,  I  hope,  I  shall  cherish  to  my  dying 
day.    At  present  I  think  it  my  duty  to  make  you  acquainted 

354 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

with  the  happy  issue  of  that  indiscretion  by  which  I  incurred 
your  displeasure !  Ah !  Madam,  the  sUghted  Wilson  is  meta- 
morphosed into  George  Dennison,  only  son  and  heir  of  a  gen- 
tleman, whose  character  is  second  to  none  in  England,  as  you 
may  understand  upon  inquiry.  My  guardians,  my  brother, 
and  I,  are  now  in  his  house,  and  an  immediate  union  of  the 
two  families  is  to  take  place  in  the  persons  of  the  young 
gentleman  and  your  poor  Lydia  Melford.  You  will  easily 
conceive  how  embarrassing  this  situation  must  be  to  a  young 
unexperienced  creature  like  me,  of  weak  nerves  and  strong 
apprehensions,  and  how  much  the  presence  of  a  friend  and 
confidant  would  encourage  and  support  me  on  this  occasion. 
You  know  that,  of  all  the  young  ladies.  Miss  Willis  was  she 
that  possessed  the  greatest  share  of  my  confidence  and  affec- 
tion, and,  therefore,  I  fervently  wish  to  have  the  happiness  of 
her  company  at  this  interesting  crisis. 

Mrs.  Dennison,  who  is  the  object  of  universal  love  and 
esteem,  has,  at  my  request,  written  to  you  on  this  subject,  and 
I  now  beg  leave  to  reinforce  her  solicitation.  My  dear  Mrs. 
Jermyn !  my  ever-honoured  governess !  let  me  conjure  you  by 
that  fondness  which  once  distinguished  your  favourite  Liddy ! 
by  that  benevolence  of  heart  which  disposes  you  to  promote 
the  happiness  of  your  fellow-creatures  in  general !  lend  a  fa- 
vourable ear  to  my  petition,  and  use  your  influence  with  Let- 
ty's  mamma,  that  my  most  earnest  desire  may  be  gratified. 
Should  I  be  indulged  in  this  particular,  I  will  engage  to  return 
her  safe,  and  even  to  accompany  her  to  Gloucester,  where,  if 
you  will  give  me  leave,  I  will  present  to  you,  under  another 
name,  dear  madam,  your  most  affectionate  humble  servant, 
and  penitent,  Lydia  Melford. 


To  Mrs.  Mary  Jones,  at  Brambleton  Hall. 

O  Mary  Jones  !  Mary  Jones  ! — I  have  met  with  so  many 
axidents,  surprisals,  and  terrifications,  that  I  am  in  a  perfect 
fantigo,  and  believe  I  shall  never  be  my  own  self  again.  Last 
week  I  was  dragged  out  of  a  river  like  a  drowned  rat,  and 
lost  a  bran  new  night-cap,  with  a  sulfur  stay-hook,  that  cost 
me  a  good  half  a  crown,  and  an  odd  shoe  of  green  gallow- 
monkey,  besides  wetting  my  clothes,  and  taring  my  smuck, 

355 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

and  an  ugly  gash  made  in  the  back  part  of  my  thy,  by  the 
stump  of  a  tree.  To  be  sure,  Mr.  CHnker  tuck  me  out  of  the 
cox,  but  he  left  me  on  my  back  in  the  water,  to  go  to  the 
squire,  and  I  mought  have  had  a  watry  grave,  if  a  miliar  had 
not  brought  me  to  the  dry  land.  But  O !  what  choppings 
and  changes,  girl.  The  player  man  that  came  after  Miss 
Liddy,  and  frightened  me  with  a  beard  at  Bristol  Well,  is 
now  matthewmurphy'd  into  a  fine  young  gentleman,  son 
and  hare  of  Squire  Dolhson.  We  are  all  together  in  the  same 
house,  and  all  parties  have  agreed  to  the  match,  and  in  a 
fortnite  the  surrymony  will  be  performed. 

But  this  is  not  the  only  wedding  we  are  to  have.  Mistriss 
is  resolved  to  have  the  same  frolick,  in  the  naam  of  God ! 
Last  Sunday  in  the  parish  crutch,  if  my  own  ars  may  be 
trusted,  the  clerk  called  the  banes  of  marridge  betwixt 
Opaniah  Lashmeheygo  and  Tapitha  Bramble,  spinster;  he 
mought  as  well  have  called  her  inkle-weaver,  for  she  never 
spun  an  hank  of  yarn  in  her  hfe.  Young  Squire  Dollison 
and  Miss  Liddy  make  the  second  kipple,  and  there  might 
have  been  a  turd,  but  times  are  changed  with  Mr.  Clinker. 
O  Molly !  what  do'st  think  ?  Mr.  Clinker  is  found  to  be  a  pye- 
blow  of  our  own  squire,  and  his  right  naam  is  Mr.  Mattew 
Loyd  (thof  God  he  nose  how  that  can  be,)  and  he  is  now  out 
of  livery,  and  wares  rufifles ;  but  I  new  him  when  he  was  out 
at  elbows,  and  had  not  a  rag  to  kiver  his  pistereroes,  so  he 
need  not  hold  his  head  so  high.  He  is  for  sartin  very  umble 
and  compleasant,  and  purtests  as  how  he  has  the  same  regard 
as  before,  but  that  he  is  no  longer  his  own  master,  and  can- 
not portend  to  marry  without  the  squire's  consent ;  he  says 
we  must  wait  with  patience,  and  trust  to  Providence,  and 
such  nonsense.  But  if  so  be  as  how  his  regard  be  the  same, 
why  stand  shilly  shally  ?  Why  not  strike  while  the  iron  is  hot, 
and  speak  to  the  squire  without  loss  of  time?  What  sub- 
jection can  the  squire  make  to  our  coming  together?  Thof 
my  father  wan't  a  gentleman,  my  mother  was  an  honest 
woman.  I  didn't  come  on  the  wrong  side  of  the  blanket, 
girl.  My  parents  were  married  according  to  the  rights  of 
holy  mother  crutch,  in  the  face  of  men  and  angels.  Mark 
that,  Mary  Jones. 

Mr.  Clinker  (Loyd  I  would  say,)  had  best  look  to  his 

356 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

tackle.  There  be  other  chaps  in  the  market,  as  the  saying  is. 
What  would  he  say  if  I  should  except  the  soot  and  sarvice  of 
the  young  squire's  valley?  Mr.  Machappy  is  a  gentleman 
born,  and  has  been  abroad  in  the  wars.  He  has  a  world  of 
buck  learning,  and  speaks  French,  and  Ditch,  and  Scotch, 
and  all  manner  of  outlandish  Hngos ;  to  be  sure,  he's  a  little 
the  worse  for  the  ware,  and  is  much  given  to  drink,  but  then 
he's  good-tempered  in  his  liquor,  and  a  prudent  woman 
mought  wind  him  about  her  finger.  But  I  have  no  thoughts 
of  him,  I'll  assure  you.  I  scorn  for  to  do,  or  to  say,  or  to 
think  anything  that  mought  give  umbreech  to  Mr.  Loyd, 
without  furder  occasion.  But  then  I  have  such  vapours, 
Molly;  I  sit  and  cry  by  myself,  and  take  ass  of  etida,  and 
smill  to  burnt  fathers  and  kindal-snuffs ;  and  I  pray  con- 
stantly for  grease,  that  I  may  have  a  glimpse  of  the  new 
light,  to  show  me  the  way  through  this  wretched  veil  of 
tares.  And  yet  I  want  for  nothing  in  this  family  of  love, 
where  every  sole  is  so  kind  and  so  courteous,  that  wan  would 
think  they  are  so  many  saints  in  haven.  Dear  Molly,  I 
recommend  myself  to  your  prayers,  being,  with  my  sarvice 
to  Saul, 

Your  ever  loving  and  discounselled  friend, 
Oct.  14.  Win.  Jenkins. 


To  Dr.  Lewis. 

Dear  Dick, — You  cannot  imagine  what  pleasure  I  have 
in  seeing  your  handwriting  after  such  a  long  cessation  on 
your  side  of  our  correspondence.  Yet,  Heaven  knows,  I 
have  often  seen  your  handwriting  with  disgust — I  mean 
when  it  appeared  in  abbreviations  of  apothecary's  Latin.  I 
like  your  hint  of  making  interest  for  the  reversion  of  the 
collector's  place  for  Lismahago,  who  is  much  pleased  with 
the  scheme,  and  presents  you  with  his  compliments  and  best 
thanks  for  thinking  so  kindly  of  his  concerns.  The  man 
seems  to  mend  upon  further  acquaintance.  That  harsh  re- 
serve, which  formed  a  disagreeable  husk  about  his  charac- 
ter, begins  to  peel  off  in  the  course  of  our  communication. 
I  have  great  hopes  that  he  and  Tabby  will  be  as  happily 
paired  as  any  two  draught  animals  in  the  kingdom;  and  I 

357 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

make  no  doubt,  but  that  he  will  prove  a  valuable  acquisi- 
tion to  our  little  society,  in  the  article  of  conversation  by  the 
fireside  in  winter. 

Your  objection  to  my  passing  this  season  of  the  year  at 
such  a  distance  from  home,  would  have  more  weight  if  I  did 
not  find  myself  perfectly  at  my  ease  where  I  am ;  and  my 
health  so  much  improved,  that  I  am  disposed  to  bid  defiance 
to  gout  and  rheumatism.  I  begin  to  think  I  have  put  myself 
on  the  superannuated  list  too  soon,  and  absurdly  sought  for 
health  in  the  retreats  of  laziness.  I  am  persuaded,  that  all 
valetudinarians  are  too  sedentary,  too  regular,  and  too  cau- 
tious. We  should  sometimes  increase  the  motion  of  the 
machine,  to  unclog  the  wheels  of  life;  and  now  and  then  take 
a  plunge  amidst  the  waves  of  excess,  in  order  to  case-harden 
the  constitution.  I  have  even  found  a  change  of  company 
as  necessary  as  a  change  of  air,  to  promote  a  vigorous  circu- 
lation of  the  spirits,  which  is  the  very  essence  and  criterion  of 
good  health. 

Since  my  last,  I  have  been  performing  the  duties  of  friend- 
ship, that  required  a  great  deal  of  exercise,  from  which  I 
hope  to  derive  some  benefit.  Understanding,  by  the  great- 
est accident  in  the  world,  that  Mr.  Baynard's  wife  was  dan- 
gerously ill  of  a  pleuritic  fever,  I  borrowed  Dennison's 
post-chaise,  and  went  across  the  country  to  his  habitation, 
attended  only  by  Lloyd  (quondam  Clinker)  on  horseback. 
As  the  distance  is  not  above  thirty  miles,  I  arrived  about  four 
in  the  afternoon,  and,  meeting  the  physician  at  the  door,  was 
informed  that  his  patient  had  just  expired.  I  was  instantly 
seized  with  a  violent  emotion  ;  but  it  was  not  grief.  The  fam- 
ily being  in  confusion,  I  ran  upstairs  into  the  chamber, 
where,  indeed,  they  were  all  assembled.  The  aunt  stood 
wringing  her  hands  in  a  state  of  stupefaction  of  sorrow,  but 
my  friend  acted  all  the  extravagancies  of  affliction.  He  held 
the  body  in  his  arms,  and  poured  forth  such  a  lamentation, 
that  one  would  have  thought  he  had  lost  the  most  amiable 
consort  and  valuable  companion  upon  earth. 

AflFection  may  certainly  exist  independent  of  esteem ;  nay, 
the  same  object  may  be  lovely  in  one  respect  and  detestable 
in  another.  The  mind  has  a  surprising  faculty  of  accommo- 
dating, and  even  attaching  itself  in  such  a  manner,  by  dint 

358 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

of  use,  to  things  that  are  in  their  own  nature  disagreeable, 
and  even  pernicious,  that  it  cannot  bear  to  be  delivered  from 
them  without  reluctance  and  regret.  Baynard  was  so  ab- 
sorbed in  his  delirium,  that  he  did  not  perceive  me  when  I 
entered,  and  desired  one  of  the  women  to  conduct  the  aunt 
into  her  own  chamber.  At  the  same  time,  I  begged  the  tutor 
to  withdraw  the  boy,  who  stood  gaping  in  a  corner,  very 
little  aflfected  with  the  distress  of  the  scene.  These  steps 
being  taken,  I  waited  till  the  first  violence  of  my  friend's 
transport  was  abated,  then  disengaged  him  gently  from  the 
melancholy  object,  and  led  him  by  the  hand  into  another 
apartment ;  though  he  struggled  so  hard,  that  I  was  obliged 
to  have  recourse  to  the  assistance  of  his  valet-de-chambre. 
In  a  few  minutes,  however,  he  recollected  himself,  and  fold- 
ing me  in  his  arms,  "  This,"  cried  he,  "  is  a  friendly  office, 
indeed !  I  know  not  how  you  came  hither,  but  I  think 
Heaven  sent  you  to  prevent  my  going  distracted,  O 
Matthew!  I  have  lost  my  dear  Harriet! — my  poor,  gentle, 
tender  creature,  that  loved  me  with  such  warmth  and  purity 
of  affection — my  constant  companion  of  twenty  years! — 
She's  gone — she's  gone  for  ever!  Heaven  and  earth,  where 
is  she? — Death  shall  not  part  us!  " 

So  saying,  he  started  up,  and*  could  hardly  be  withheld 
from  returning  to  the  scene  we  had  quitted.  You  will  per- 
ceive it  would  have  been  very  absurd  for  me  to  argue  with  a 
man  that  talked  so  madly.  On  all  such  occasions,  the  first 
torrent  of  passion  must  be  allowed  to  subside  gradually.  I 
endeavoured  to  beguile  his  attention  by  starting  little  hints, 
and  insinuating  other  objects  of  discourse  imperceptibly; 
and  being  exceedingly  pleased  in  my  own  mind  at  this  event, 
I  exerted  myself  with  such  an  extraordinary  flow  of  spirits 
as  was  attended  with  success.  In  a  few  hours  he  was  calm 
enough  to  hear  reason,  and  even  to  own  that  Heaven  could 
not  have  interposed  more  effectually  to  rescue  him  from  dis- 
grace and  ruin.  That  he  might  not,  however,  relapse  into 
weaknesses  for  want  of  company,  I  passed  the  night  in  his 
chamber,  in  a  little  tent-bed  brought  thither  on  purpose ;  and 
well  it  was  that  I  took  this  precaution,  for  he  started  up  in 
bed  several  times,  and  would  have  played  the  fool,  if  I  had 
not  been  present. 

359 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

Next  day  he  was  in  a  condition  to  talk  of  business,  and 
vested  me  with  full  authority  over  his  household,  which  I  be- 
gan to  exercise  without  loss  of  time,  though  not  before  he 
knew  and  approved  of  the  scheme  I  had  projected  for  his 
advantage.  He  would  have  quitted  the  house  immediately ; 
but  this  retreat  I  opposed.  Far  from  encouraging  a  tem- 
porary disgust,  which  might  degenerate  into  an  habitual 
aversion,  I  resolved,  if  possible,  to  attach  him  more  than  ever 
to  his  household  gods.  I  gave  directions  for  the  funeral  to 
be  as  private  as  was  consistent  with  decency;  I  wrote  to 
London  that  an  inventory  and  estimate  might  be  made  of 
the  furniture  and  effects  in  his  town  house,  and  gave  notice 
to  the  landlord,  that  Mr.  Baynard  should  quit  the  premises 
at  Lady-day;  I  set  a  person  at  work  to  take  an  account  of 
everything  in  the  country  house,  including  horses,  carriages, 
and  harness;  I  settled  the  young  gentleman  at  a  boarding- 
school,  kept  by  a  clergyman  in  the  neighbourhood,  and 
thither  he  went  without  reluctance,  as  soon  as  he  knew  that 
he  was  to  be  troubled  no  more  with  his  tutor,  whom  we  dis- 
missed. The  aunt  continued  very  sullen,  and  never  ap- 
peared at  table,  though  Mr.  Baynard  paid  his  respects  to  her 
every  day  in  her  own  chamber;  there  also  she  held  confer- 
ences with  the  waiting-women  and  other  servants  of  the  fam- 
ily ;  but  the  moment  her  niece  was  interred,  she  went  away 
in  a  post-chaise  prepared  for  that  purpose.  She  did  not  leave 
the  house,  however,  without  giving  Mr.  Baynard  to  under- 
stand, that  the  wardrobe  of  her  niece  was  the  perquisite  of 
her  woman ;  accordingly,  that  worthless  drab  received  all  the 
clothes,  laces,  and  linen  of  her  deceased  mistress,  to  the  value 
of  five  hundred  pounds  at  a  moderate  computation. 

The  next  step  I  took  was  to  disband  that  legion  of  super- 
numerary domestics,  who  had  preyed  so  long  upon  the  vitals 
of  my  friend ;  a  parcel  of  idle  drones  so  intolerably  insolent, 
that  they  even  treated  their  own  master  with  the  most  con- 
temptuous neglect.  They  had  been  generally  hired  by  his 
wife,  according  to  the  recommendation  of  her  woman,  and 
these  were  the  only  patrons  to  whom  they  paid  the  least  def- 
erence. I  had  therefore  uncommon  satisfaction  in  clearing 
the  house  of  those  vermin.  The  woman  of  the  deceased,  and 
a  chambermaid,  a  valet-de-chambre,  a  butler,  a  French  cook, 

360 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

a  master  gardener,  two  footmen,  and  a  coachman,  I  paid  oflF, 
and  turned  out  of  the  house  immediately,  paying  to  each  a 
month's  wages  in  Heu  of  warning.  Those  whom  I  retained 
consisted  of  a  female  cook,  who  had  been  assistant  to  the 
Frenchman,  a  housemaid,  an  old  lacquey,  a  postillion,  and 
under-gardener.  Thus  I  removed  at  once  a  huge  mountain 
of  expense  and  care  from  the  shoulders  of  my  friend,  who 
could  hardly  beheve  the  evidence  of  his  own  senses,  when  he 
found  himself  so  suddenly  and  so  effectually  relieved.  His 
heart,  however,  was  still  subject  to  vibrations  of  tenderness, 
which  returned  at  certain  intervals,  extorting  sighs  and  tears, 
and  exclamations  of  grief  and  impatience;  but  these  fits 
grew  every  day  less  violent  and  less  frequent,  till  at  length 
his  reason  obtained  a  complete  victory  over  the  infirmities 
of  his  nature. 

Upon  an  accurate  inquiry  into  the  state  of  his  affairs,  I 
find  his  debts  amount  to  twenty  thousand  pounds,  for 
eighteen  thousand  pounds  of  which  sum  his  estate  is  mort- 
gaged ;  and  as  he  pays  five  per  cent,  interest,  and  some  of  his 
farms  are  unoccupied,  he  does  not  receive  above  two  hundred 
pounds  a  year  clear  from  his  lands,  over  and  above  the  inter- 
est of  his  wife's  fortune,  which  produced  eight  hundred 
pounds  annually.  For  lightening  this  heavy  burden,  I  de- 
vised the  following  expedient.  His  wife's  jewels,  together 
with  his  superfluous  plate  and  furniture  in  both  houses,  his 
horses  and  carriages,  which  are  already  advertised  to  be  sold 
by  auction,  will,  according  to  the  estimate,  produce  two 
thousand  five  hundred  pounds  in  ready  money,  with  which 
the  debt  will  be  immediately  reduced  to  eighteen  thousand 
pounds.  I  have  undertaken  to  find  him  ten  thousand  pounds 
at  four  per  cent.,  by  which  means  he  will  save  one  hundred 
a  year  in  the  article  of  interest,  and  perhaps  we  shall  be  able 
to  borrow  the  other  eight  thousand  on  the  same  terms.  Ac- 
cording to  his  own  scheme  of  a  country  life,  he  says  he  can 
live  comfortably  for  three  hundred  pounds  a  year ;  but,  as  he 
has  a  son  to  educate,  we  will  allow  him  five  hundred ;  then 
there  will  be  an  accumulating  fund  of  seven  hundred  a  year, 
principal  and  interest,  to  pay  off  the  encumbrance;  and,  I 
think,  we  may  moderately  add  three  hundred  on  the  pre- 
sumption of  new-leasing  and  improving  the  vacant  farms; 

361 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

so  that,  in  a  couple  of  years,  I  suppose  there  will  be  above  a 
thousand  a  year  appropriated  to  liquidate  a  debt  of  sixteen 
thousand. 

We  forthwith  began  to  class  and  set  apart  the  articles  de- 
signed for  sale,  under  the  direction  of  an  upholder  from  Lon- 
don; and,  that  nobody  in  the  house  might  be  idle,  com- 
menced our  reformation  without  doors,  as  well  as  within. 
With  Baynard's  good  leave,  I  ordered  the  gardener  to  turn 
the  rivulet  into  its  own  channel,  to  refresh  the  fainting 
Naiads,  who  had  so  long  languished  among  mouldering 
roots,  withered  leaves,  and  dry  pebbles.  The  shrubbery  is 
condemned  to  extirpation;  and  the  pleasure-ground  will  be 
restored  to  its  original  use  of  cornfield  and  pasture.  Orders 
are  given  for  rebuilding  the  walls  of  the  garden  at  the  back 
of  the  house,  and  for  planting  clumps  of  firs,  intermingled 
with  beech  and  chestnut,  at  the  east  end,  which  is  now  quite 
exposed  to  the  surly  blasts  that  come  from  that  quarter.  All 
these  works  being  actually  begun,  and  the  house  and  auction 
left  to  the  care  and  management  of  a  reputable  attorney,  I 
brought  Baynard  along  with  me  in  the  chaise,  and  made  him 
acquainted  with  Dennison,  whose  goodness  of  heart  would 
not  fail  to  engage  his  esteem  and  affection.  He  is  indeed 
charmed  with  our  society  in  general,  and  declares  that  he 
never  saw  the  theory  of  true  pleasure  reduced  to  practice  be- 
fore. I  really  believe  it  would  not  be  an  easy  task  to  find 
such  a  number  of  individuals  assembled  under  one  roof  more 
happy  than  we  are  at  present. 

I  must  tell  you,  however,  in  confidence,  I  suspect  Tabby  of 
tergiversation.  I  have  been  so  long  accustomed  to  that  origi- 
nal, that  I  know  all  the  caprices  of  her  heart,  and  can  often 
perceive  her  designs  while  they  are  yet  in  embryo.  She  at- 
tached herself  to  Lismahago  for  no  other  reason  but  that 
she  despaired  of  making  a  more  agreeable  conquest.  At 
present,  if  I  am  not  much  mistaken  in  my  observation,  she 
would  gladly  convert  the  widowhood  of  Baynard  to  her  own 
advantage.  Since  he  arrived,  she  has  behaved  very  coldly 
to  the  captain,  and  strove  to  fasten  on  the  other's  heart  with 
the  hooks  of  overstrained  civility.  These  must  be  the  in- 
stinctive efforts  of  her  constitution,  rather  than  the  effects  of 
any  deliberate  design ;  for  matters  are  carried  to  such  a 

362 


HUMPHRY   CLINKER 

length  with  the  Heutenant,  that  she  could  not  retract  with 
any  regard  to  conscience  or  reputation.  Besides,  she  will 
meet  with  nothing  but  indifference  or  aversion  on  the  side  of 
Baynard,  who  has  too  much  sense  to  think  of  such  a  partner 
at  any  time,  and  too  much  delicacy  to  admit  a  thought  of  any 
such  connexion  at  the  present  juncture.  Meanwhile  I  have 
prevailed  upon  her  to  let  him  have  four  thousand  pounds  at 
four  per  cent,  towards  paying  off  his  mortgage.  Young 
Dennison  has  agreed  that  Liddy's  fortune  shall  be  appropri- 
ated to  the  same  purpose,  on  the  same  terms.  His  father  will 
sell  out  three  thousand  pounds  stock  for  his  accommodation. 
Farmer  Bland  has,  at  the  desire  of  Wilson,  undertaken  for 
two  thousand;  and  I  must  make  an  effort  to  advance  what 
farther  will  be  required  to  take  my  friend  out  of  the  hands  of 
the  Philistines.  He  is  so  pleased  with  the  improvements  made 
on  this  estate,  which  is  all  cultivated  like  a  garden,  that  he 
has  entered  himself  as  a  pupil  in  farming  to  Mr.  Dennison, 
and  resolved  to  attach  himself  wholly  to  the  practice  of  hus- 
bandry. 

Everything  is  now  prepared  for  our  double  wedding.  The 
marriage  articles  for  both  couples  are  drawn  and  executed : 
and  the  ceremony  only  waits  until  the  parties  shall  have  been 
resident  in  the  parish  the  term  prescribed  by  law.  Young 
Dennison  betrays  some  symptoms  of  impatience ;  but  Lis- 
mahago  bears  this  necessary  delay  with  the  temper  of  a  phi- 
losopher. You  must  know,  the  captain  does  not  stand 
altogether  on  the  foundation  of  personal  merit.  Besides  his 
half-pay,  amounting  to  two-and-forty  pounds  a  year,  this 
indefatigable  economist  has  amassed  eight  hundred  pounds, 
which  he  has  secured  in  the  funds.  This  sum  arises  partly 
from  his  pay's  running  up  while  he  remained  among  the 
Indians ;  partly  from  what  he  received  as  a  consideration  for 
the  difference  between  his  full  appointment  and  the  half-pay, 
to  which  he  is  now  restricted ;  and  partly  from  the  profits  of  a 
little  traf!ic  he  drove  in  peltry,  during  his  sachemship  among 
the  Miamis. 

Liddy's  fears  and  perplexities  have  been  much  assuaged 
by  the  company  of  one  Miss  Willis,  who  had  been  her  inti- 
mate companion  at  the  boarding-school.     Her  parents  had 

3^3 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

been  earnestly  solicited  to  allow  her  making  this  friendly 
visit  on  such  an  extraordinary  occasion;  and  two  days  ago 
she  arrived  with  her  mother,  who  did  not  choose  that  she 
should  come  without  a  proper  governante.  The  young  lady 
is  very  handsome,  sprightly,  and  agreeable,  and  the  mother 
a  mighty  good  sort  of  a  woman ;  so  that  their  coming  adds 
considerably  to  our  enjoyment.  But  we  shall  have  a  third 
couple  yoked  in  the  matrimonial  chain.  Mr.  Clinker  Lloyd 
has  made  humble  remonstrance,  through  the  channel  of  my 
nephew,  setting  forth  the  sincere  love  and  affection  mutually 
subsisting  between  him  and  Mrs.  Winifred  Jenkins,  and  pray- 
ing my  consent  to  their  coming  together  for  life.  I  would 
have  wished  that  Mr.  Clinker  had  kept  out  of  this  scrape; 
but  as  the  nymph's  happiness  is  at  stake,  and  she  has  had  al- 
ready some  fits  in  the  way  of  despondence,  I,  in  order  to  pre- 
vent any  tragical  catastrophe,  have  given  him  leave  to  play 
the  fool,  in  imitation  of  his  betters ;  and  I  suppose  we  shall 
have  in  time  a  whole  litter  of  his  progeny  at  Brambleton 
Hall.  The  fellow  is  stout  and  lusty,  very  sober  and  conscien- 
tious; and  the  wench  seems  to  be  as  great  an  enthusiast  in 
love  as  in  religion. 

I  wish  you  would  think  of  employing  him  some  other  way, 
that  the  parish  may  not  be  overstocked.  You  know  he  has 
been  bred  a  farrier,  consequently  belongs  to  the  faculty ;  and, 
as  he  is  very  docile,  I  make  no  doubt,  but,  with  your  good 
instruction,  he  may  be,  in  a  little  time,  qualified  to  act  as  a 
Welsh  apothecary.  Tabby,  who  never  did  a  favour  with  a 
good  grace,  has  consented,  with  great  reluctance,  to  this 
match.  Perhaps  it  hurts  her  pride,  as  she  now  considers 
Clinker  in  the  light  of  a  relation  ;  but  I  believe  her  objections 
are  of  a  more  selfish  nature.  She  declares  she  cannot  think 
of  retaining  the  wife  of  Matthew  Lloyd  in  the  character  of  a 
servant;  and  she  foresees,  that,  on  such  an  occasion,  the 
woman  will  expect  some  gratification  for  her  past  services. 
As  for  Clinker,  exclusive  of  other  considerations,  he  is  so 
trusty,  brave,  affectionate,  and  alert,  and  I  owe  him  such  per- 
sonal obligations,  that  he  merits  more  than  all  the  indulgence 
that  can  possibly  be  shown  him  by  yours, 

October  26.  Matt.  Bramble. 

364 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

To  Sir  Watkin  Phillips,  Bart,  at  Oxon. 

Dear  Knight, — The  fatal  knots  are  now  tied.  The  com- 
edy is  near  a  close,  and  the  curtain  is  ready  to  drop ;  but  the 
latter  scenes  of  this  act  I  shall  recapitulate  in  order.  About 
a  fortnight  ago,  my  uncle  made  an  excursion  across  the 
country,  and  brought  hither  a  particular  friend,  one  Mr.  Bay- 
nard,  who  has  just  lost  his  wife,  and  was  for  some  time  dis- 
consolate, though,  by  all  accounts,  he  had  much  more  cause 
for  joy  than  for  sorrow  at  this  event.  His  countenance,  how- 
ever, clears  up  apace ;  and  he  appears  to  be  a  person  of  rare 
accomplishments.  But  we  have  received  another  still  more 
agreeable  reinforcement  to  our  company,  by  the  arrival  of 
Miss  Willis  from  Gloucester.  She  was  Liddy's  bosom  friend 
at  boarding-school,  and,  being  earnestly  solicited  to  assist 
at  the  nuptials,  her  mother  was  so  obliging  as  to  grant  my 
sister's  request,  and  even  to  come  with  her  in  person.  Liddy, 
accompanied  by  George  Dennison  and  me,  gave  them  the 
meeting  half-way,  and  next  day  conducted  them  hither  in 
safety.  Miss  Willis  is  a  charming  girl,  and  in  point  of  dis- 
position, an  agreeable  contrast  to  my  sister,  who  is  rather  too 
grave  and  sentimental  for  my  turn  of  mind ;  the  other  is  gay, 
frank,  a  little  giddy,  and  always  good-humoured.  She  has, 
moreover,  a  genteel  fortune,  is  well  born,  and  remarkably 
handsome.  Ah,  Phillips !  if  these  qualities  were  permanent — 
if  her  humour  would  never  change,  nor  her  beauties  decay, 
what  efforts  would  I  not  make!  But  these  are  idle  reflec- 
tions— my  destiny  must  one  day  be  fulfilled. 

At  present  we  pass  the  time  as  agreeably  as  we  can.  We 
have  got  up  several  farces,  which  afforded  unspeakable  en- 
tertainment, by  the  effects  they  produced  among  the  coun- 
try people,  who  are  admitted  to  all  our  exhibitions.  Two 
nights  ago,  Jack  Wilson  acquired  great  applause  in  Harle- 
quin Skeleton,  and  Lismahago  surprised  us  all  in  the  charac- 
ter of  Pierot.  His  long  lank  sides,  and  strong-marked  fea- 
tures, were  all  peculiarly  adapted  to  his  part.  He  appeared 
with  a  ludicrous  stare,  from  which  he  had  discharged  all 
meaning.  He  adopted  the  impressions  of  fear  and  amaze- 
ment so  naturally,  that  many  of  the  audience  were  infected 
by  his  looks;  but  when  the  skeleton  held  him  in  chase,  his 

365 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

horror  became  most  divertingly  picturesque,  and  seemed  to 
endow  him  with  such  preternatural  agihty,  as  confounded  all 
the  spectators.  It  was  a  lively  representation  of  Death  in 
pursuit  of  Consumption ;  and  had  such  an  effect  upon  the 
commonalty,  that  some  of  them  shrieked  aloud,  and  others 
ran  out  of  the  hall  in  the  utmost  consternation. 

This  is  not  the  only  instance  in  which  the  lieutenant  had 
lately  excited  our  wonder.  His  temper,  which  had  been 
soured  and  shrivelled  by  disappointment  and  chagrin,  is  now 
swelled  out  and  smoothed  like  a  raisin  in  plum-porridge. 
From  being  reserved  and  punctilious,  he  is  become  easy  and 
obliging.  He  cracks  jokes,  laughs,  and  banters,  with  the 
most  facetious  familiarity ;  and,  in  a  word,  enters  into  all  our 
schemes  of  merriment  and  pastime.  The  other  day  his  bag- 
gage arrived  in  the  waggon  from  London,  contained  in  two 
large  trunks,  and  a  long  deal  box,  not  unlike  a  coffin.  The 
trunks  were  filled  with  his  wardrobe,  which  he  displayed  for 
the  entertainment  of  the  company ;  and  he  freely  owned,  that 
it  consisted  chiefly  of  the  opifna  spolia  taken  in  battle.  What 
he  selected  for  his  wedding  suit  was  a  tarnished  white  cloth, 
faced  with  blue  velvet,  embroidered  with  silver;  but  he 
valued  himself  most  upon  a  tie-periwig,  in  which  he  had 
made  his  first  appearance  as  a  lawyer,  about  thirty  years  ago. 
This  machine  had  been  in  buckle  ever  since,  and  now  all  the 
servants  in  the  family  were  employed  to  frizz  it  out  for  the 
ceremony,  which  was  yesterday  celebrated  at  the  parish 
church.  George  Dennison  and  his  bride  were  distinguished 
by  nothing  extraordinary  in  their  apparel.  His  eyes  light- 
ened with  eagerness  and  joy,  and  she  trembled  with  coyness 
and  confusion.  My  uncle  gave  her  away,  and  her  friend 
Willis  supported  her  during  the  ceremony. 

But  my  aunt  and  her  paramour  took  the  pas,  and  formed 
indeed  such  a  pair  of  originals,  as,  I  believe,  all  England 
could  not  parallel.  She  was  dressed  in  the  style  of  1739 ;  and 
the  day  being  cold,  put  on  a  mantle  of  green  velvet  laced 
with  gold;  but  this  was  taken  ofif  by  the  bridegroom,  who 
threw  over  her  shoulders  a  fur  cloak  of  American  sables, 
valued  at  fourscore  guineas,  a  present  equally  agreeable  and 
unexpected.  Thus  accoutred,  she  was  led  up  to  the  altar  by 
Mr.  Dennison,  who  did  the  office  of  her  father.    Lismahago 

366 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

advanced  in  the  military  step,  with  his  French  coat  reaching 
no  farther  than  the  middle  of  his  thigh,  his  campaign  wig 
that  surpasses  all  description,  and  a  languishing  leer  upon 
his  countenance,  in  which  there  seemed  to  be  something  arch 
and  ironical.  The  ring  which  he  put  upon  her  finger,  he  had 
concealed  till  the  moment  it  was  used.  He  now  produced  it 
with  an  air  of  self-complacency.  It  was  a  curious  antique, 
set  with  rose  diamonds :  he  told  us  afterwards  it  had  been  in 
his  family  two  hundred  years,  and  was  a  present  from  his 
grandmother.  These  circumstances  agreeably  flattered  the 
pride  of  our  aunt  Tabitha,  which  had  already  found  uncom- 
mon gratification  in  the  captain's  generosity ;  for  he  had,  in 
the  morning,  presented  my  uncle  with  a  fine  bear's  skin,  and 
a  Spanish  fowling-piece,  and  me  with  a  case  of  pistols  curi- 
ously mounted  with  silver.  At  the  same  time,  he  gave  Mrs. 
Jenkins  an  Indian  purse,  made  of  silk  grass,  containing 
twenty  crown  pieces.  You  must  know,  this  young  lady,  with 
the  assistance  of  Mr.  Lloyd,  formed  the  third  couple  who 
yesterday  sacrificed  to  Hymen.  I  wrote  you  in  my  last  that 
he  had  recourse  to  my  mediation,  which  I  employed  success- 
fully with  my  uncle ;  but  Mrs.  Tabitha  held  out  till  the  love- 
sick Jenkins  had  two  fits  of  the  mother;  then  she  relented, 
and  those  two  cooing  turtles  were  caged  for  life.  Our  aunt 
made  an  effort  of  generosity  in  furnishing  the  bride  with  her 
superfluities  of  clothes  and  linen,  and  her  example  was  fol- 
lowed by  my  sister;  nor  did  Mr.  Bramble  and  I  neglect  her 
on  this  occasion.  It  was  indeed  a  day  of  peace-oflfering.  Mr. 
Dennison  insisted  upon  Liddy's  accepting  two  bank-notes  of 
one  hundred  pounds  each,  as  pocket-money;  and  his  lady 
gave  her  a  diamond  necklace  of  double  that  value.  There 
was,  besides,  a  mutual  exchange  of  tokens  among  the  indi- 
viduals of  the  two  families  thus  happily  united. 

As  George  Dennison  and  his  partner  were  judged  im- 
proper objects  of  mirth.  Jack  Wilson  had  resolved  to  execute 
some  jokes  on  Lismahago,  and,  after  supper,  began  to  ply 
him  with  bumpers,  when  the  ladies  had  retired ;  but  the  cap- 
tain, perceiving  his  drift,  begged  for  quarter,  alleging  that 
the  adventure  in  which  he  had  engaged  was  a  very  serious 
matter ;  and  that  it  would  be  more  the  part  of  a  good  Chris- 
tian to  pray  that  he  might  be  strengthened,  than  to  impede 

367 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF 

his  endeavours  to  finish  the  adventure.  He  was  spared  ac- 
cordingly, and  permitted  to  ascend  the  nuptial  couch  with 
all  his  senses  about  him.  There  he  and  his  consort  sat  in 
state,  like  Saturn  and  Cybele,  while  the  benediction  posset 
was  drank ;  and  a  cake  being  broken  over  the  head  of  Mrs. 
Tabitha  Lismahago,  the  fragments  were  distributed  among 
the  bystanders,  according  to  the  custom  of  the  ancient  Brit- 
ons, on  the  supposition  that  every  person  who  ate  of  this 
hallowed  cake  should  that  night  have  a  vision  of  the  man  or 
woman  whom  Heaven  designed  should  be  his  or  her  wedded 
mate. 

The  weight  of  Wilson's  waggery  fell  upon  honest  Hum- 
phry and  his  spouse,  who  were  bedded  in  an  upper  room, 
with  the  usual  ceremony  of  throwing  the  stocking.  This  be- 
'ing  performed,  and  the  company  withdrawn,  a  sort  of  catter- 
wauling  ensued,  when  Jack  found  means  to  introduce  a  real 
cat  shod  with  walnut-shells,  which,  galloping  along  the 
boards,  made  such  a  dreadful  noise  as  effectually  discom- 
posed our  lovers.  Winifred  screamed  aloud,  and  shrunk  un- 
der the  bedclothes — Mr.  Lloyd,  believing  that  Satan  was 
come  to  buffet  him  in  propria  persona,  laid  aside  all  carnal 
thoughts,  and  began  to  pray  aloud  with  great  fervency.  At 
length,  the  poor  animal,  being  more  afraid  than  either, 
leaped  into  the  bed,  and  mewled  with  the  most  piteous  ex- 
clamation. Lloyd,  thus  informed  of  the  nature  of  the  annoy- 
ance, rose  and  set  the  door  wide  open,  so  that  this  trouble- 
some visitant  retreated  with  great  expedition ;  then  securing 
himself,  by  means  of  a  double  bolt,  from  a  second  intrusion, 
he  was  left  to  enjoy  his  good  fortune  without  disturbance. 

If  one  may  judge  from  the  looks  of  the  parties,  they  are  all 
very  well  satisfied  with  what  has  passed.  George  Dennison 
and  his  wife  are  too  delicate  to  exhibit  any  strong-marked 
signs  of  their  mutual  satisfaction,  but  their  eyes  are  sufficiently 
expressive.  Mrs.  Tabitha  Lismahago  is  rather  fulsome  in 
signifying  her  approbation  of  the  captain's  love ;  while  his  de- 
portment is  the  very  pink  of  gallantry.  He  sighs,  and  ogles, 
and  languishes  at  this  amiable  object;  he  kisses  her  hand, 
mutters  ejaculations  of  rapture,  and  sings  tender  airs ;  and,  no 
doubt,  laughs  internally  at  her  folly  in  believing  him  sincere. 
In  order  to  show  how  little  his  vigour  was  impaired  by  the 

368 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

fatigues  of  the  preceding  day,  he  this  morning  danced  a  High- 
land saraband  over  a  naked  back-sword,  and  leaped  so  high, 
that  I  believe  he  would  make  no  contemptible  figure  as  a 
vaulter  at  Sadler's  Wells.  Mr.  Matthew  Lloyd,  when  asked 
how  he  relishes  his  bargain,  throws  up  his  eyes,  crying,  "  For 
what  we  have  received,  Lord  make  us  thankful :  Amen."  His 
helpmate  giggles,  and  holds  her  hand  before  her  eyes,  affect- 
ing to  be  ashamed  of  having  been  in  bed  with  a  man.  Thus 
all  these  widgeons  enjoy  the  novelty  of  their  situation;  but 
perhaps  their  note  will  be  changed,  when  they  are  better  ac- 
quainted with  the  nature  of  the  decoy. 

As  Mrs.  Willis  cannot  be  persuaded  to  stay,  and  Liddy  is 
engaged  by  promise  to  accompany  her  daughter  back  to 
Gloucester,  I  fancy  there  will  be  a  general  migration  from 
hence,  and  that  most  of  us  will  spend  the  Christmas  holidays 
at  Bath ;  in  which  case,  T  shall  certainly  find  an  opportunity  to 
beat  up  your  quarters.  By  this  time,  I  suppose,  you  are  sick  of 
alma  mater,  and  even  ready  to  execute  that  scheme  of 
peregrination  which  was  last  year  concerted  between  you  and 

Your  affectionate 

November  8.  J.  Melford. 


To  Dr.  Lewis. 

Dear  Doctor, — My  niece  Liddy  is  now  happily  settled  for 
Hfe;  and  Captain  Lismahago  has  taken  Tabby  off  my  hands; 
so  that  I  have  nothing  farther  to  do  but  to  comfort  my  friend 
Baynard,  and  provide  for  my  son  Lloyd,  who  is  also  fairly 
joined  to  Mrs.  Winifred  Jenkins.  You  are  an  excellent  genius 
at  hints.  Dr.  Arbuthnot  was  but  a  type  of  Dr.  Lewis  in  that 
respect.  What  you  observe  of  the  vestry-clerk  deserves  con- 
sideration. I  make  no  doubt  but  Matthew  Lloyd  is  well 
enough  qualified  for  the  office ;  but,  at  present,  you  must  find 
room  for  him  in  the  house.  His  incorruptible  honesty  and  in- 
defatigable care  will  be  serviceable  in  superintending  the  econ- 
omy of  my  farm,  though  I  don't  mean  that  he  shall  interfere 
with  Barnes,  of  whom  I  have  no  cause  to  complain.  I  am 
just  returned  with  Baynard  from  a  second  trip  to  his  house, 
where  everything  is  regulated  to  his  satisfaction.     He  could 

84  369 


THE  EXPEDITION   OF 

not,  however,  review  the  apartments  without  tears  and  lamen- 
tations, so  that  he  is  not  yet  in  a  condition  to  be  left  alone; 
therefore,  I  will  not  part  with  him  till  the  spring,  when  he 
intends  to  plunge  into  the  avocations  of  husbandry,  which  will 
at  once  employ  and  amuse  his  attention.  Qiarles  Dennison 
has  promised  to  stay  with  him  a  fortnight,  to  set  him  fairly 
afloat  in  his  improvements;  and  Jack  Wilson  will  see  him 
from  time  to  time ;  besides,  he  has  a  few  friends  in  the  country, 
whom  his  new  plan  of  life  will  not  exclude  from  his  society. 
In  less  than  a  year,  I  make  no  doubt  but  he  will  find  himself 
perfectly  at  ease,  both  in  his  mind  and  body,  for  the  one  had 
dangerously  affected  the  other ;  and  I  shall  enjoy  the  exquisite 
pleasure  of  seeing  my  friend  rescued  from  misery  and  con- 
tempt. 

Mrs.  Willis  being  determined  to  return  with  her  daughter, 
in  a  few  days,  to  Gloucester,  our  plan  has  undergone  some 
alteration.  Jerry  has  persuaded  his  brother-in-law  to  carry 
his  wife  to  Bath;  and  I  believe  his  parents  will  accompany 
him  thither.  For  my  part,  I  have  no  intention  to  take  that 
route;  it  must  be  something  very  extraordinary  that  will  in- 
duce me  either  to  revisit  Bath  or  London.  My  sister  and  her 
husband,  Baynard  and  I,  will  take  leave  of  them  at  Gloucester, 
and  make  the  best  of  our  way  to  Brambleton  Hall,  where  I 
desire  you  will  prepare  a  good  chine  and  turkey  for  our  Christ- 
mas dinner.  You  must  also  employ  your  medical  skill  in  de- 
fending me  from  the  attacks  of  the  gout,  that  I  may  be  in 
good  case  to  receive  the  rest  of  our  company,  who  promise  to 
visit  us  in  their  return  from  Bath.  As  I  have  laid  in  a  con- 
siderable stock  of  health,  it  is  to  be  hoped  you  will  not  have 
much  trouble  with  me  in  the  way  of  physic,  but  I  intend  to 
work  you  on  the  side  of  exercise.  I  have  got  an  excellent 
fowling-piece  from  Mr.  Lismahago,  who  is  a  keen  sportsman, 
and  we  shall  take  the  heath  in  all  weathers.  That  this  scheme 
of  life  may  be  prosecuted  the  more  effectually,  I  intend  to  re- 
nounce all  sedentary  amusements,  particularly  that  of  writing 
long  letters ;  a  resolution  which,  had  I  taken  it  sooner,  might 
have  saved  you  the  trouble  which  you  have  lately  taken  in 
reading  the  tedious  epistles  of  Matt.  Bramble. 

November  14. 

370 


HUMPHRY    CLINKER 

To  IMrs.  Gwyllim^  at  Bramhleton  Hall. 

Good  Mrs.  Gwyllim, — Heaven,  for  wise  purposes  hath  or- 
dained that  I  should  change  my  name  and  citation  in  Hfe,  so 
that  1  am  not  to  be  considered  any  more  as  manger  of  my 
brother's  family.  But  as  I  cannot  surrender  up  my  steward- 
ship till  I  have  settled  with  you  and  Williams,  I  desire  you 
will  get  your  accunts  ready  for  inspection,  as  we  are  coming 
home  without  further  delay.  My  spouse,  the  captain,  being 
subject  to  rummatticks,  I  beg  you  will  take  great  care  to  have 
the  bloo  chamber,  up  two  pair  of  stairs,  well  warmed  for  his 
reception.  Let  the  sashes  be  secured,  the  crevices  stopt,  the 
carpets  laid,  and  the  beds  well  tousled.  Mrs.  Lloyd,  late 
Jenkins,  being  married  to  a  relation  of  the  family,  cannot  re- 
main in  the  capacity  of  a  sarvant ;  therefore,  I  wish  you  would 
cast  about  for  some  creditable  body  to  be  with  me  in  her  room. 
H  she  can  spin,  and  is  mistress  of  plain  work,  so  much  the 
better;  but  she  must  not  expect  extravagant  wages;  having 
a  family  of  my  own,  I  must  be  more  oecumenical  than  ever. 
No  more  at  present,  but  rests         Your  loving  friend, 

November  20.  Tab.  Lismahago. 


To  Mrs.  Mary  Jones,  at  Bramhleton  Hall. 

Mrs.  Jones, — Providinch  hath  bin  pleased  to  make  great 
halteration  in  the  pasture  of  our  affairs.  We  were  yesterday 
three  kiple  chined  by  the  grease  of  God,  in  the  holy  bands  of 
mattermoney ;  and  I  now  subscrive  myself  Loyd  at  your  sarv- 
ice.  All  the  parish  allowed  that  young  squire  Dallison  and 
his  bride  was  a  comely  pear  for  to  see.  As  for  Madam  Lash- 
miheygo,  you  nose  her  picklearities — her  head,  to  be  sure, 
was  fantastical;  and  her  spouse  had  rapt  her  with  a  long 
marokin  furze  clock  from  the  land  of  the  selvedges,  thof  they 
say  it  is  of  immense  vally.  The  captain  himself  had  a  hudge 
hassock  of  air,  with  three  tails,  and  a  tumtawdry  coat,  bod- 
dered  with  sulfur.  Wan  said  he  was  a  monkeybank ;  and  the 
ould  botler  swore  he  was  bom  imich  of  Titidall.  For  my  part, 
I  says  nothing,  being  as  how  the  captain  has  done  the  hand- 
some thing  by  me.  Mr.  Loyd  was  dressed  in  a  little  frog  and 
checket  with  gould  binding ;  and  thof  he  don't  enter  in  capar- 
ison with  great  folks  of  quality,  yet  he  has  got  as  good  blood 

371 


THE  EXPEDITION  OF  HUMPHRY  CLINKER 

in  his  veins  as  arrow  private  squire  in  the  county;  and  then 
his  pursing  is  far  from  contentible.  Your  humble  sarvant  had 
on  a  plain  pea-green  tabby  sack,  with  my  Runnela  cap,  ruff 
toupee,  and  side  curls.  They  said,  I  was  the  very  moral  of 
Lady  Rickmanstone,  but  not  so  pale — that  may  well  be,  for  her 
ladyship  is  my  elder  by  seven  good  years  and  more. 

Now,  Mrs.  Mary,  our  satiety  is  to  suppurate.  Mr.  Mill  fart 
goes  to  Bath  along  with  the  Dallisons,  and  the  rest  of  us  push 
home  to  Wales  to  pass  our  Christmash  at  Brambleton  Hall. 
As  our  appartments  is  to  be  the  yallow  pepper,  in  the  thurd 
story,  pray  carry  my  things  thither.  Present  my  compliments 
to  Mrs.  Gwillim,  and  I  hope  she  and  I  will  live  upon  dissent 
terms  of  civility.  Being,  by  God's  blessing,  removed  to  a 
higher  spear,  you'll  excuse  my  being  familiar  with  the  lower 
sarvants  of  the  family;  but  as  I  trust  you'll  behave  respectful, 
and  keep  a  proper  distance,  you  may  always  depend  upon  the 
good-will  and  purtection  of  Yours,  W.  Loyd. 

November  20. 


372 


UCSB  LIBRARY 


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A     000 


606  486 


